Guys, guys, you're flattering me, but seriously. If I'm fucking up, and I probably am doing so somewhere, please tell me where. I do not own Invader Zim, because if I did, then all of these spiders in my house would be money.

Difference #3: Skoodge is way more involved in Welcome to Leave than he is in canon, usually by space Skype.

"And in outer spaaace, I'm gonna collect rocks from Maaars, and float in the spaaace shuttle, and I'll make friends with the spaaace monkeeey!" Melvin droned. He'd doodled a picture of himself in a space suit on the chalkboard behind him, and had written "Melvin's space adventure" beneath that.

Dib sighed and continued taking notes on Zim's behavior. He'd been going on about how Zim was an alien for a couple of days now, and nobody was changing their stance on the issue. Frustrated as he was, just throwing the claim at them without proof wouldn't do shit, despite the gullibility of his classmates. Observing, at this juncture, would be more useful.

name- zim

species- some kind of alien? (angry pickle gnome?)

behavior- not v. good at hiding his alien-ness

doesn't do much in cla

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT.

JUST PULLED OUT A FUCKING HELMET THAT STOLE THE BRAIN OF THE KID NEXT TO HIM

HOLY SHIT

Dib's brief bout of terror brought on by Zim's little field test of his organ stealing device was interrupted by the conclusion of Melvin's report. "…And that's why I wanna be an astronaut!"

Ms. Bitters slithered up to him, holding Melvin's messily colored doodle of himself as an astronaut. "Were you to actually wear the space suit that you drew yourself in for your report, Melvin, you would implode in the cold and merciless vacuum of space," she growled as the paper burned in her hand.

Zim giggled.

"Do you find something amusing, Zim?"

He paused. "Yes. Yes, I do. Pfft, look at his stupid space suit!" Ms. Bitters was right for once, that thing wouldn't have lasted five seconds in space.

Ms. Bitters ignored him, for she had been putting up with this bullshit since the school had hired her. Hell, they never even hired her, they had to build the school around her. "Now, does anyone have any questions?"

Dib slowly raised his hand.

"Dib, we know what you're going to ask. We all know."

Dib slowly lowered his hand.

This was going to suck.

Zim had taken quite a few rations from Conventia, mind you. Twice the amount of most invaders, in fact, as it took him a while to get to his planet. However, after six months, you start running out of food, which was the very reason that Zim had to eat an unholy government provided school lunch on that particular day.

Well, bon appe-fucking-tite.

After being relegated to an empty table due to such comments as "I eat food, just like you!" and "I HAVE A STOMACH!" it was finally time to stare death in the eye. To eat the slop, or not to eat?

At another table, Gaz was working on her cold pizza when her brother popped up. "Look at him, Gaz! He doesn't like the cafeteria food."

"I don't like it either. I must be an alien too, hi Dib!" she mocked, wiggling her fingers behind her head. "Take your meds."

Nope, never mind, he'd taken off. Not like she minded.

Zim inhaled close to the slop and gagged. Dib was rather quick to point this out. "What's the matter? Scared of beans, space boy?"

"Nonsense, I love beans! Looove them."

"Just one more, then. What are you scared of?" Dib said, holding out a spork.

Zim snatched the spork from his hand. "Scared? Ridiculous. Witness my bean chewing."

Dib, accompanied by Gaz, who kind of wanted to see if he'd swell up or something, watched as Zim attempted to choke down some beans.

"Now that's GOOOOD EAT-!" Zim retched and fell backwards onto the floor. "…Yummy."

Dib flopped over the table to look at Zim. The green dude had fallen over, head swollen up and leaking glowing green goo onto the floor. Dib saw this as an opportunity, seeing that most people knew that the contents of a human didn't typically glow.

"Look, everyone! His head! That is so not normal! You never believed me! But now… I have proof!" Dib exclaimed as he pointed behind him.

Then he heard a slam and some assholes giggling.

He turned with everyone else to look at the trail of goop and the sliding cafeteria door, which had been heaved open in a hurry. Why is it a sliding door in this fanfiction? It's the setup for a joke. Just wait.

"…You're crazy!"

Zim had limped home, trailing glowing green goo behind him. Which was alright, because his few neighbors had dealt with strange happenstances even before he had moved in- and by "moved in," I mean forced his house into an unusually wide alley. Someone idly hosed the alien pus off of the street as Zim slammed the door.

"I do not like beans," he croaked before coughing more gelatinous ick onto the floor. "GIR!"

GIR got to his feet from where he'd been watching cartoons. "Yes, sir!"

"My head! It's… it's!"

"It's grotesque!"

Wait, where did he learn that? You know what, it didn't matter. "…Yes. Make it less so."

"Okee-dokie!" GIR suctioned to Zim's head, his wig having had already fallen off, sucking the pus out of there and disposing it into a bag. Within seconds, Zim's head had returned to normal size and GIR threw the bag out the window into a bush, because there was no way for him to be that helpful without some kind of catch. Zim got rid of what was left of his disguise and threw himself down the toilet, into the cockpit from earlier.

"Incoming transmission from planet Blorch," the computer said.

"Who's that? Wait. Hey, I got a base computer! That's nice." It was Skoodge, wasn't it? It had to be Skoodge. It wasn't like the slaughtering rat people would figure out how to operate a transmitter.

He answered and, sure enough, it was Skoodge, standing in what appeared to be his new base. It was about as nice as you'd assume it would be, meaning that it basically looked like a stone shack. "Heeey, Zim! You, you look nice! You been working out?"

"Skoodge, what do you want, why do you want it, and how much are you going to pay me?"

"Whaaat? Can't a guy just call an old friend for fun? Catch up on old times?" Zim wasn't impressed. "Okay, fine. I need help. How long would it take you to make a fairly large mech that looks exactly like a slaughtering rat person?"

"…A month or so. Keep going."

"Also, I need you to send me some ladies' underwear. It's really expensive here."

What in the actual fuck. Just- you know what? His personal life was his own business. "What the- okay, fine. How much are you paying me for this?"

"And I'll need you to give it a vagina. And fill it with poison."

Yeah, no. "I- why? Never mind, I don't want to know," he grumbled, remembering that he was doing something else.

"Okay, you just think about it. But don't think too long, because I've got some other guy on the line who might do it. You remember Hoe Phe, right?"

"Hoe who?"

"The guy from the Vortian wedding ambush."

"He's helping you after you put his fiancée in prison?"

"Hey, he doesn't know who I am."

"I'd hate to interrupt… whatever this is, but you have a job to do, remember?" The computer boomed from a speaker.

"Yeah, I'll let you go. Who said that anyway, your ceiling?"

Right. He had a job to do. He hung up, then pulled a microphone out of the wall and ordered:

"GIR, I need you to do one last thing…"

A few hours later, after school ended, Dib was going on about how he'd failed to get anyone to notice that Zim had spontaneously inflated.

"I almost had him, Gaz," he grumbled. "It's as if dark forces are opposing me!"

"Oh, no! Dark forces! Oh wait," the girl who was brought into the world by dark forces said. "Why're you getting so worked up about this, anyway? You just gave up on stuff like the kid that looks like Bigfoot and that family of Nosfer-whatsits."

"This is different! He's invading the planet and I've already pissed him off! There's no hope of making peace now!"

"Good. Let him kill us."

"Good one, Gaz!" Dib snickered as Gaz gazed into the abyss, so done with her brother's shit that she was being dead serious. "But seriously, we have no idea what we're dealing with. For all we know, he's a trained mercenary, hired by soulless leaders with a plan for galactic domination!"

"Shut it, I'm trying to play Pain Piggy with some random dude I just found on the server. He sucks so much ass that he's got to be missing a few fingers."

"Did you see what that Earth food did to him?"

"Are you drinking my soda? What did I tell you about that-?"

"Something must have triggered an allergic reaction in his filthy alien body. I'll stage a food fight during lunch. There, in front of everyone, I'll launch some food into filthy mouth, and then, the whole school will see what he really is."

Underground, Zim had closed his games of Pain Piggy and QWOP, frustrated with Pain Piggy because Player 2 had kept beating him, and frustrated with QWOP because it was QWOP, to find that something useful was finally being transmitted. "Haha! The human has lost the element of surprise thanks to the ingenious listening device I placed on him."

Meanwhile, GIR giggled and waved at Gaz as her brother turned around to reveal the back of his head, and subsequently where he was holding on. Gaz briefly opened an eye, then inspected her juice box to see if there was something funny in it. "Only then will his evil intestines be revealed!"

"Evil intestines? Fuck it. You know what, you might not be the strongest, or the smartest, or the sanest, or the most attractive…"

"…But?"

"Nah, that's it."

"Reveal my intestines?" Zim muttered. Looks like he'd have to postpone the poisonous rat vagina. "GIR! Oh, right. I probably need to go get him later. Computer!"

"Whaaat?"

"Is the… making… stuff… room ready?"

"The lab's all done except-"

"Good enough!" Zim punched the elevator button and descended further down, into the newly finished lab. Ah, yes. The smell of chemicals and disinfectant. It was great to be back. "It's time to show the human boy the meaning of… superior being!"

The lights abruptly went out.

"I was trying to tell you the wiring wasn't done."

The next day, children ate their government provided slop, at ease. Some of them made some weird noises. One guy was choking himself with cinnamon for other people's approval. Little did they know that they should turn their eyes to the heavens and beg for mercy.

The cafeteria door slid open to let in a thing. Zim was himself, roughly. Rather, he was inside a fairly large mecha that was shaped like himself. "Heeey, how's it going? Lookin' good, Lunchy!" It walked like it shat its pants, due to having shitty leg controls, which was really going to bite him in the ass later. (If you were capable of making a giant robot, would you really base its leg controls off of QWOP, of all things? At least he could get it to walk at all.)

"The weird kid looks weirder today," someone muttered.

Zim continued walking until there was a loud bang and muffled swearing from behind the cafeteria door. Everyone stopped and turned their attention toward the closed sliding door and the shouts of "fuckin' shit bitch cunt fuck" in the distance.

The door slid open to reveal Dib, with a loaded food launcher mounted on his arm, letterboxing. "Ahem. Zim!"

His sister casually walked by, grumbling, "Who the fuck tries to kick down a sliding door?"

Dib threw the textbooks he had been holding around his face on the floor and suddenly switched into attack mode, screaming and hurling a meatball at Zim. He retaliated with a force field that bounced the meatball into some other kid's eye. Someone screamed "food fight!"

Generic glop- no, food (the animators never bother to draw actual food in a food fight, luckily this is a nonvisual medium) flew through the air as Zim and Dib stared each other down, fighting in an incredibly generic manner. Dib launched food at Zim, Zim catches it and throws it back, rinse and repeat. I get really tired of writing this fight scene stuff.

"This is just between you and me, Dib human!"

"Just between you and me? I count one alien, and an entire planet of humans! It's hopeless!"

Dib started to continuously fire food at Zim, whose force started becoming caked with it.

"DANGER. DANGER. FORCE FIELD OVERLOAD."

"Must! Have! More power!" He put all of the mech's energy into its arms, the idiot, and approached Dib with a ball of glowing energy and food.

"Hey! I'm not afraid of your spooky alien death lunch! I'll follow your every move! Forever! Until the day I stop!" That's gay, bruh. Not that's there's anything wrong with that. "You picked the wrong planet to land on, Zim."

"Wait, what planet is this?"

"…Earth."

"Nope. It's the right planet! HWAAAA-"

He nearly threw the gigantic ball of meat and energy at Dib, only to topple and land on his butt, in usual QWOP fashion. Bad news is, that fall damaged the energy tank in the suit's booty. I told you QWOP would bite him in the ass. "DANGER. DANGER. ORGANIC MATERIAL MAGNET OVERLOAD. DRAWING ENERGY FROM SURROUNDING MATERIALS…"

Food and children flew toward him, sticking to the mech. "What the- mayday! Mayday! The children…! They cover me! The coming invasion… will not be stopped… by your… Doritos!" Yeah, yeah, I know it said burritos in the actual pilot, but see, there's this thing in the Halloween episode. Like, he gets beaten up by some kids dressed up as Bill Cipher and Captain America and Peridot, and he's just like "foiled by Doritos again." It'll be really funny. Sorry, back to the story.

Dib grinned, turned to his classmates. "Invasion! He said invasion! See, he is an alien!"

"Shut the fuck up, nobody cares!"

Dib stared off into space. He popped open a panel on his arm cannon, then re-aimed it at Zim. Zim made a mental note to make peace with whatever gods that might be out there, for that would be the moment that they died.

The backpack that stored the food Dib was launching suddenly sparked as an abundance of chips traveled through a tube. The hail of broken Doritos sailed from the cannon and directly above Dib, mercilessly about to shred everything in sight. "Beans!" A girl screamed, despite those not being beans in the slightest due to editing.

The Doritos came down on the cafeteria, ruining everything. Everything was crunchy and covered in chips. The door slammed open and Ms. Bitters stood in the doorway. She snarled, about to say something, only to be cut off by the whole school simultaneously pointing at Dib.

Hours later, Dib was still in Ms. Bitters' class, writing "Zim is not an alien" over and over. Also, there were fun little things like "does anyone even do this anymore" or "yes he is" or "my hand is about to fall off."

"I was so close! So close to finally getting to the bottom!"

Ms. Bitters slithered up to him. "I don't want to hear another peep out of you! You children and all of your peeping!" She left, going to get coffee again.

Zim flew up to the window. "Peep!"

Well, so much for that coffee.

Hoo, boy! I put that off until the last minute. …After the last minute, technically. If you want to help me make hazmat suits for dealing with giant spiders, please read and review later chapters, and if you don't want to… well, it's your life, but it just seems silly to me to deny yourself like that. See you.