3 and a half months later...
x
The entire tour had been the same thing:
Wake up, breakfast, sound check, lunch, set lists, too much rehearsal, show time, bedtime.
It spun around and around, like old routines. But, somehow, in between every tight-fitted schedule, Austin and Ally stretched time to stand behind walls or lock songwriting session room doors for their lips to tingle with company.
And, still, not a word about it was exchanged.
How tiring to sneak around, but how absolutely adventurous, too.
The only problem with sneaking around, was not getting caught by others. No, It was getting caught by yourself - when you are the one who catches yourself in the act, when you find you have been lying to yourself since day one. When you have not been quite honest with yourself.
Ally had been writing herself thin onto pieces of paper. She could write a thousand words about how she was feeling, how he was making her feel, but she wouldn't dare utter a word to him. And with a mind full of wracking nerves, he wouldn't utter a word to her either.
The conversation about all the mouth-to-mouth kisses that should have been handled three and a half months ago, still had yet to be discussed. But neither Austin or Ally were in a rush.
Austin asked himself, why fix something that isn't broken? They're content with one another and that was all that mattered, and Ally told herself, if there needs to be a talk, there will be a talk. They shouldn't have to force one.
Ally was still waiting impatiently on the day when the sneaking around became too much, but what should they do now that three and a half months has come and gone, and the day where it will feel like too much had never come? It terrified Ally that she was enjoying this all too much.
Inside a small kitchen, Ally's hand began to cramp.
That was when she realized that she had been stirring Austin's requested coffee for longer than enough time. The coffee had probably even lost all its heat by now. She carefully took out the spoon and gently scraped it on the rim of the mug and set it down. Her eyes glanced to the silver coffee pot and she saw a figure standing behind her.
"I told you I'd be out in a second." Ally voiced, a hint of a smile threatening to tug on her lips.
"It's been way longer than that." She heard the grin in his voice and then she felt something soft and nice and perfect on her temple. His mouth. She took a quiet, shuddering breath and cringed away from him.
"Austin," her voice sounded small, like it was tucked under something heavy. "We need to talk."
For a moment, Austin stood there, blinking animatedly.
Talk? Talk. Oh...Talk. There won't be an exclamation point at the end of that word, because Austin can't find himself to be excited.
He wouldn't say he was terrified of what a talk would bring, just concerned, perhaps? Ally was in the palm of his hand and he already felt worried that she would slide limply through his finger tips. She had brought light to him in all of his darkest places. He wasn't about to give that up, give her up. Maybe they weren't labeling themselves as lovers, but she felt so close to that.
Austin exhaled, putting distance between him and the pretty natured girl in front of him. "Ally..." he said, as if he was about to start a conversation, but nothing followed afterwards.
Ally looked up at him. His eyes had been staring down at the counter top but when he'd felt her looking, he'd averted his eyes to her kind ones.
"Austin, you know we have to." she said, gently. "We should have talked a while ago, but we didn't. It needs to happen eventually, so let's get it over with."
Ally knew the conversation was going to be whether they liked it or not. They couldn't fool themselves any longer. They had plowed through an imaginary wall that separated the ideas of co-workers and relationships. They were standing somewhere in between.
There was a blank silence.
"It's my last show tonight." he'd finally spoken. "We'll talk in L.A." He sounded begrudging.
She grabbed his hand when he turned to walk away. He looked at their hands and then to her face. That stupid flip flop in his gut was there again.
She hesitated. "Your coffee." she said, quietly, lifting the mug towards him.
"Right." he muttered, grabbing the mug from her hands. It didn't take him long to have left the kitchen. His legs feeling like heavy metal pipes, like he was a piece of machinery.
He didn't give her a kiss this time and Ally was left wondering why it had made her feel so empty.
She stood there for a moment. Her chest rising up and down slowly while her thoughts raced and tripped over one another. A brown and leather book was still sitting, opened, on the counter top. She'd collected her pen into her hands and wrote down the only words he'd left her with.
I think I want a boy I can't have.
x
"So, I think we've written enough songs for your album now. You just need to record the last few and the album should be on its way." Ally assured Austin.
She was sitting so close to him that when he lifted his hand to brush his bangs out of his face, his knuckles had grazed her elbow. She shivered, clutching her pen tightly.
"Yeah." his reply was blunt and flat, distracted. He could feel her staring at him, but he didn't dare look her way.
Ally sighed, lulling her head back until it hit the seat. She was trying to make this flight less dreadful than it needed to be, but Austin wasn't pulling his load. She glanced over at Trish and Cassidy who were sound asleep. Trish had a pink and fluffy blindfold pulled over her eyes and Cassidy's face was buried into a pillow.
"Look," Ally whispered, "I know you're mad at me. I get that, I really do, but we need to talk about it, Austin. We can't go on like this."
Finally, he turned to acknowledge. "I'm not mad at you." Austin retorted, "I just haven't felt like talking. This tour felt longer than I expected it would. I'm tired."
It sounded like a lie, but she still said, "Okay."
A silence fell between the two. It made a shudder run along Ally's spine, but Austin sat comfortably in his thoughts that he hardly noticing the aching silence.
"I've never sat in first class before." Ally admitted, glancing around.
"No?" Austin replied, looking over at her before his eyes roamed the comfortable seats. He couldn't remember the last time he hadn't flown first class. It had become like secondhand nature to him. "Well, now you have."
Ally smiled slightly, glancing up at him. "I guess so."
Somehow, his hand found hers and when it did, she held on tight.
x
There was an echoing knock against a metal door.
It opened painfully slowly, but Austin hadn't looked away from his guitar to see who had entered. He didn't need to see who it was, because he already knew exactly who it was and it made his nerves tighten. He started strumming a little louder.
Her steps were hesitant, like she was about to turn around and sprint out the door. He wished she'd do that. But that wasn't Ally. A thing that annoyed him, really; she always stood her ground.
She cleared her throat and he thought it was a little bit funny to think he hadn't noticed her entrance. He knew that scent of perfume a mile away. He glanced over at her, a small acknowledgement and then he looked back to his guitar.
Ally pressed her lips together and nodded to herself. She should have expected this from him. Suddenly, she was haunted by the thought that maybe she didn't really mean anything to him, and maybe they didn't need this talk, and maybe...maybe she was only used for something to put on his lonely mouth. After all, he hadn't been with another girl for a year or two. She wasn't updated on his dating life, she honestly didn't quite know how long it'd been, but maybe she was just someone for him hold in the meantime. She wasn't worth a thing.
Her ears perked slightly, recognizing a melody he was playing. A smile tugged on her lips. "Hey Jude?" she said.
His fingers came to an abrupt halt as he looked up at her. He nodded. "Yeah. You a Beatles fan?" he questioned.
"I know a few songs." she replied.
He nodded and watched as she took a seat on the couch, across from him. His mind became jumbled. What was he supposed to say? What was she supposed to say? He wasn't sure that either of them had an explanation for what had been going on for the last few months. And call him crazy, but he wouldn't apologize for it either, if that's what she was looking for.
His stare was penetrating right into her bones. She felt herself start to shake slightly. The silence was uncomfortable, piercing, and loud.
"I thought you wanted to talk." Austin blurted, eyes holding her every movement.
She was thrown off guard by his statement. She swallowed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She nodded. "I do. I just..." she trailed off, no further words to be said: She wanted to talk, but for the first time in her life, she didn't have the words.
"You just what?" Austin pressed.
She wondered if he ever knew when to quit.
"What is this?" she replied, finally meeting his gaze. Nothing flickered there as he shrugged.
"I don't know." The nonchalance in his voice made her tick.
"Austin, we have to talk." Ally said, her tone sharper.
"Sorry, I thought that's what we were doing?" he said, raising an eye brow.
"I am. You're not." she retorted, arms folding in front of her chest.
"What do you want me to say?" he questioned her, "Yeah, we've been kissing. So, what? There's nothing that has to be said."
"Yes, there is." Ally argued. "Why...Why have we been...behaving that way?" she voiced, "We...We can't act like that. I'm your assistant. That has to be against some sort of regulation, right? Most jobs don't allow a boss/employee relationship."
His stare was unwavering. Focused.
"Well, I guess regulations don't matter anymore, because we've crossed those lines now, haven't we?" Austin said, an arrogance clouded his tone.
There was a wide distance in his voice. Like, all the times he'd smiled, or kissed her, or spoke to her in a soft voice, in a humorous voice, in a concerned voice, had all just disappeared. Vaporized.
Her hands curled into fists by her sides. "Why don't you guide this conversation, Austin? Hm? Since, obviously, whatever I'm saying is truly irrelevant."
"We both know that if it were up to me, this talk wouldn't be happening." Austin replied.
"All I want to know is what it meant and where it leaves us." Ally said. "Because whatever is happening right now needs to stop. We can't sneak around, Austin. Either we're something or we're not."
"I think labels are tacky." Austin voiced. "There wouldn't be a difference if I kissed you right now or if I kissed you and called you my girlfriend. Labels are just like little name tags. You don't really need them."
Ally shook her head. She suddenly found herself feeling antsy and could take another moment of sitting on the couch. She walked around the room, running her hands along ledges and touching small plaques with Austin's name carved in it.
"I'm not asking about labels, I'm asking you where it leaves us." Ally said.
"You're confusing me." Austin said, finding himself rolling his eyes.
"Who am I to you?" she questioned.
"What?" Austin frowned.
"Who am I to you?" Ally repeated, turning around to look at him. "Am I your assistant that you occasionally kiss here and there to fill some sort of void that's eating at you or somewhere deep down, do I actually have a role to play in your life?"
"You're not my fixer-upper if that's what you're asking." Austin retorted, sounding slightly agitated. "Look, Ally. I don't know what you want to talk about, I don't know what you're looking for, I don't know what you want me to say or how you want me to say it, all I know is that I don't regret kissing you that night three months ago and every time after that. I'm kinda enjoying whatever it was we had going on and the only thing that's making me nervous these days, is the thought of it ever ending."
He continued, "I can be kind of an ass, I know that, and I don't know why or how, but you make me want to fix that. You're the only one who has put up with me or simply found ways to put up with me. I don't know where this has left us, but I know where you have left me: suddenly afraid of losing you. You've brought out the kind of things in me, I didn't even know I had. Do you play a role in my life? Yes, Ally. Yes, you do. What did it mean? How the fuck should I know? What I do know is...I think I love you."
It had popped out like a frog jumping from lily pad to lily pad.
Her mouth parted slightly in shock, her eyes slightly bigger than normal. There was no lie in his eyes and he looked hopelessly confused by his own thoughts, but that didn't matter. What mattered was he said it and when he did, he never took them back. He could. The silence was ticking by in thick moments and he had plenty of times to snatch them back out of the air, but he stayed put on the couch, staring at her.
Austin swallowed, wondering if he should rationalize it a little more for her. "I know...I know that sounds crazy, because...well, how the hell does that even sound normal? Somebody like me, telling that to somebody like you? I don't even...I don't even know what I'm saying right now, but I think it must be true because I can't seem to stop and I still don't know what the hell is going on. I'm unsure of a lot of things right now, but I know you make me want to be a better person. What the fuck does that even mean? I don't know, but like I said..."
Somewhere during his anxious babbling, her legs had started moving and she was suddenly standing right before him, towering over him. He's always been so tall and broad, but he felt smaller than ever beneath her kind gaze.
At least his mouth had finally stop running, Austin thought to himself.
He moved his guitar of his lap when he realized at some point during his messy speech, he'd said something right. She scrambled onto his lap, the smallest of smiles on her lips - a genuine one, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck.
Ally put her lips close to his, but didn't let them touch. She watched his eyes climb from her lips to her eyes, lips; eyes, lips; eyes, lips; eyes.
"You love me?" she whispered, her mint breath hitting his lips.
"Um...I think so?" he said, arching his eye brows. He cringed at his words.
Her teeth bit down on her smile, a light laugh ruptured out her mouth. "That's always better than a no." she said.
Their noses bumped when she placed her lips on his. She tasted coffee bean on his mouth, but she didn't mind. He closed his eyes for a moment, before opening them again. Her eye lashes were out of focus, but he could still see the way they curved towards her eye brows at their tips. He let his hand reach up and cup the back of her hand.
She pulled away as he kissed her top lip before realizing she'd stopped. "I think I love you, too." she whispered.
"I think we sound crazy." Austin replied, his voice quiet and low.
"It really does." Ally replied, kissing his lips quickly again. "Does this mean more sneaking around?" Her caught the disappointment in her voice.
He shook his head. "No." he said, "I think they're just going to have to deal with us."
"Can we do that?" she frowned down at him, curiously.
"Probably not. But we'll do it anyways." he replied.
Ally laughed on his mouth, burying her face into his shoulder. She pressed a kiss on the crook of his neck. He kissed below her earlobe and she felt shivers run along on her spine.
She thought about her journal. She'd have to scribble out what she'd written there.
x
ahem. well.
auslly just happened.
i sort of bullshitted my way through this entire thing, but maybe i like how it turned out? maybe i don't?
thank you thank you thank you for everything. for the love. the feedback. the support. you guys are all super cool and awesome.
thanks to those who have viewed my new story, i hope you'll like it as much as you love this one because apparently i've done well on this? hopefully i can make it entertaining, because i have sooo much background to choose from on that story. if you haven't viewed it yet, hopefully you'll check it out. i actually hated the first chapter so if you do too, sorry, it wasn't my best work but i struggled with how to open and introduce the story.
Reviews are pretty cool!
P.S. I didn't proofread. Ignore mistakes.