He had buttoned his shirt crookedly.
The last two weeks hadn't been what would be labeled as easy. Scratch that; Not telling Ally the truth about what had really happened with Jimmy was wearing him down. The guilt hadn't let up, it felt like a giant red stain on the front of a brand new, white dress shirt.
"Austin, are you-"
Ally stopped.
He didn't quite know why he was holding his breath, but he was. He thought that maybe his thoughts were loud enough for her to hear, maybe she had caught his lie so suddenly.
Instead, her lips curled and she walked towards him. "Your buttons are crooked."
"Right." he breathed. He cleared his throat, looking at a blank place on the wall over her shoulder.
She glanced up at him as she fixed the buttons with her confident fingers. "Is everything alright?"
"Hm?" He looked down at her. "Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine."
She studied him briefly. "Okay."
Ally finally stepped back and Austin inhaled deeply. He could finally breathe, but it wasn't Ally that was suffocating him, it was the guilt. It had been wrapped around his throat ever since he'd gotten himself into this mess and its fingers only seemed to tighten every hour. If anything would kill him, it was this. And maybe losing Ally, too, and he felt like he was only holding onto her by a thread.
How could he lose her by trying not to lose her?
It happens.
But he really wished it didn't.
He knew that once she discovered what he did, she'd never understand. She probably wouldn't try to. She would resign from her job as his assistant, break his heart, and fly back to Miami. Or worse, she'd do all of that but stay. She'd take the opportunity to be signed by Jimmy and she'd walk by him in the studio halls or he'd see her on TV, smiling for everyone who was not him and it would hurt.
"Aus," Ally crooned, grabbing his jaw into her gentle hands, "What's wrong?" Her eyes looked so soft and warm. He wanted to make his home there.
"What?" It sounded like a croak. He cleared his esophagus.
"You're spacing out." Ally hinted, giving him that look that he knew was her 'please, tell me what's wrong' look.
But he couldn't tell her what was wrong, because that would mean telling her what he did and that would lead to the breakup and never seeing her again. That would lead to a million terrible things and then living with the fact that maybe it could have all been avoided if he would've stopped being selfish for one speck of a moment.
He forced a smile. "It's fine. I'm all good." He placed his hands over hers and guilt's fingers got tighter.
He needed to tell her.
He drew in a breath and focused on her eyes, "You mind making me a coffee? I didn't sleep last night."
"I know." she replied.
He frowned, "You know?"
She nodded and looked up at him sympathetically. "I heard you tossing and turning."
He had been staying the night's at Ally's apartment on her small little couch. She had tried to convince him to sleep next to her, but he knew that if they shared even a fraction of such intimate space, he would never let either of them leave the next morning.
He also didn't lie still when he slept, there's a small fear that he'd roll over and crush her.
Instead of addressing the situation or attempting to explain himself, he said, "How about that coffee?"
The frown on her face deepened, but she didn't argue. She never argued. "It'll be waiting for you after your performance."
"Speaking of, I'm supposed to be on Stage Left right now." Austin told her.
He even had the audacity to plant a soft peck on her forehead while battling the ever growing guilt. Ally let him walk away.
There was something off about him and it had been that way for the last couple weeks. She wondered if something had happened between him and Jimmy. She didn't recall Jimmy being hostile towards her, so she knew it couldn't have been anything to do with her and Austin's new relationship. Perhaps, it had something to do with Jimmy not enjoying her track? She'd been meaning to send him another song. She was proud of this new one she'd written and she was sure Jimmy would like it. It struck her as a little odd that he would enjoy the songs she wrote for Austin, but not the ones she wrote for herself. Their music was too similar to be considered "not what he was looking for".
Something wasn't right.
x
"You know, Austin," Ally began, slumping down next to her boyfriend on a piece of furniture. She muted the TV in front of them.
Austin suddenly felt like he was suffocating.
Ally continued, not noticing how blue in the face Austin had become. "I know you told me to the whole thing go with...with Jimmy not liking the track and all," she paused, "But I just need to know...Did you tell me everything?"
He swallowed the lump in his throat and his lips curled upwards forcefully. "Yup."
She stared at him for a long moment.
He was lying.
But she was Ally, so she chose not to ask. If it was important, he would tell her, right? She could trust him enough to know that whatever it was that he was hiding, he'd come clean? He wouldn't let her rot in the what-if's and the why's. He would tell her.
Because he was faithful to her.
Because he loved her.
Because he wanted her to succeed in her dreams.
She granted him a small and gentle smile. "Okay."
And then she un-muted the TV and the voice of the News Anchor filled the small apartment, but neither of them listened to the words.
Austin didn't know how long he could hold onto the guilt before it tore him limb by limb and Ally wondered what was so awful that he couldn't confide in her.
After all, it felt so out in the open now: The way he'd been distant lately, how he'd kept their conversations so minimal, even the way he couldn't manage to stay in focus for more than twenty minutes.
But whatever he was lying about, he would surely confront her about soon. He would do that, right? He would trust her enough to know that she'd accept or help him face whatever trial he was dealing with. She was his girlfriend, didn't she deserve that much?
"I'm going to start the laundry." she told him, getting up from her seat.
She was suddenly second-guessing him.
Maybe he hadn't changed the way she thought he had. Maybe she was stupid enough to think that somebody like her could ever change somebody like him. She knew he loved her, she knew that much was true, but did he really love her enough to confide in her when he needed it?
He was pushing her away and she could feel it just like she felt him breathe when she rested her head on his chest. It wasn't untouchable. Suddenly, it became all she felt.
She closed the door to the laundry room and decided she needed a good friend to talk to. Somebody who was always there to catch her and loved her unconditionally. Somebody who steadied her when she wobbled.
She pressed the phone to her ear and waited for the answer.
Then she smiled at the comforting voice on the other end, "Hi, Dad."
x
She tapped her fingers rhythmically on the table top as she studied him.
He hadn't said a word to her all day and even alone in Ally's apartment, he wasn't uttering a thing. He had kept himself distracted with his phone, its vibration the only thing Ally was counting on to fill the silence.
She took a deep breath. The still quietness from him had her clenching her fists. He was lying and she knew it. She didn't care if it was something small or something huge, she just wanted him to talk to her.
"Who are you texting?" she finally blurted, eyeing the device in his hand.
He glanced at her for a quick second before looking back to his phone, thumbs sloppily touching the screen. She exhaled quietly.
"Trish." he responded simply.
Ally searched her head for more things to talk about, but she found nothing. She was drawing a blank and she hoped that he would sit up straight and maybe start the conversation for the first time since his quietness had started, but he never did. She waited, but he only sat there.
She rolled her eyes and stood up from the table. Suddenly, she was feeling something different. Something she hadn't felt towards him since the first couple of days they met: hostility.
She was angry with him.
Her movements practically echoed behind him as she stood in the kitchen. She turned the faucet on and let the warm water run along her dishes. The dish washer wasn't broken, but she suddenly felt the need to wash every single dish by hand.
Ally wasn't an angry person, but she suddenly needed a muse for her anger. The only thing that inspired her anger was the innocent dishes.
As Austin sat in the chair, he patiently waited for his best friend to reply, but she was taking an agonizingly long time. It was in this patient time, that he realized how aggressive Ally's hands sounded against the dishes.
Daring himself to feel confused, he turned slowly and saw the scowl on her face as she scrubbed the dirty plate with a soapy sponge.
"Ally?"
"Yes?" she replied, but there was a sharp edge on her tone.
"Are you alright?" he questioned, "You seem..." But he ended up trailing off, wondering if he should bother to address her mood. He swallowed. "Do you need help?"
"No." Sharp. Irritated. Jagged.
Suddenly, it was quiet, besides the sounds of the dishes clattering against the steel sink.
He suddenly got the notion that she needed an apology. "Sorry." he said, "I'm sorry, Ally, for whatever I did that upset you."
The last thread of whatever she'd sewn together had snapped.
She turned to him and he held his breath.
Nope. Nope. Apologizing was a bad idea. Apologizing was a bad idea.
She opened her mouth for a fraction of a second before closing it again. She shook her head. She wasn't going to explain herself, because he should've known. She didn't need an insincere apology, she needed the sincere truth.
What had she done?
He had his hands outstretching, forcing her to keep her distance. Metaphorically, anyways. He wasn't letting her close anymore. She could sit on his lap and kiss his face, but it still wasn't close enough. It was like he took his heart back from her hands. Like he didn't trust her to hold it anymore.
She frowned when a splash of a raindrop hit the dish water.
Then, she realized, it wasn't a rain drop.
He was watching her dumbly until he saw the first tear flick off her rosy cheek. His eyes filled with a mixture of things: Guilt, regret, confusion, apology.
He slowly got up from his chair, "Ally." he called, his throat sounding stiff. He approached her carefully, like if he walked any close the ground would start to rumble and they'd fall into a dark abyss of rubble and tragedy.
She scrubbed the dish harder. Old sauce was stuck to the edge of the plate and it wouldn't come off.
He was close enough to wrap his arm around her waist and even with his finger tips tickling her hip bone, she felt like she was standing in the next room. Too far from him. He kissed her ear and she wished that she felt tugged closer, but she didn't. And she wouldn't until he confided in her.
"What's wrong?" he crooned.
His voice was soft enough that her bones quivered.
"I can't get the sauce off the plate." she said.
He looked down at the plate in her hand. He carefully took it from her and set it in the water. "Come on, Ally, talk to me." he said gently.
She suddenly scowled at him and pushed him away.
"Talk to you?" she echoed, "You don't talk to me, Austin! You've been distant, ever since you spoke to Jimmy. You keep pushing me away and I just want to know what I did. What did I do that upset you so much that you can't even tell me the truth?"
She had been holding a plate and maybe it slipped from her grip, because suddenly it was in shards all over the floor.
The two of them looked at it and Ally grunted with frustration. She didn't know if it was at him or to the fact that she was now another plate short.
He looked back at Ally and his eyes softened. "No, Ally." He shook his head, approaching her. He reached for her hand but she crossed her arms. He sighed. "Ally, you didn't do anything."
"Then, what is it? What the hell's wrong with you?" she questioned him, furrowing her brows.
"Nothing, Ally." Austin snapped, suddenly feeling hot in the face. "Let's just clean up this stupid mess and we'll talk, okay?" He sounded irritated and tired.
"No, I want to talk right now." Ally demanded.
He gave her a sharp stare. "We'll talk later."
"Why can't we talk now?" Ally pressed, raising her eye brows.
"God, Ally, you're impossible!" he grunted.
He turned away from her, crouching down onto his knees as he started collecting the pieces of glass. He wasn't even mad at her. He was mad at himself. His relationship could be going perfectly if he just would've kept his mouth shut and let Jimmy sign her. Jimmy was wiser than he was. And it was Ally's dream, he had no right to do what he did.
"Fine, then...What did you do?" she queried with quizzical eyes.
He stopped.
Ally continued, "Because if I've done nothing wrong, then you must have, right?"
He slowly looked up at Ally. She tried to read his gaze, but he gave nothing away. She sighed, throwing her head back and staring at the ceiling. Why did he have to be so complicated?
"It's nothing, Ally, okay? It's nothing. Why can't you just relax and realize that nothing is wrong?" His voice had risen without intention.
"Because if you're acting like this then I know that something is wrong!" Her tone matched his.
"It's nothing, Ally." Austin snapped, "Leave it alone and help me clean this damn mess. Why didn't you just use the goddamn dish washer?"
Ally crossed her arms and refused to help him clean the mess. She wanted answers. She wanted to know what had gone wrong.
He sighed and grunted with annoyance. "I guess I'm doing it myself." He gave her an annoyed smirk, but it faded quickly and became a scowl. "Where's your broom?"
"In the closet." Ally replied, curtly, not bothering to grab it for him.
He rolled his eyes and got up from the floor. He swept the big shards from his palms into the garbage and walked off to grab the broom but she stopped him.
"Can I help you?" He gave her a wry look.
"Just tell me what's wrong, Austin." Ally said, "Tell me what's wrong or what happened or what's bothering you and we'll fix it."
He stared at her. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to apologize and hold her and watch lame movies with her. He wanted to erase the guilt. He wanted to go back and tell Jimmy to sign her. He wanted to be the good boyfriend.
But he just wasn't the good boyfriend.
"I'm bad for you, Ally." He finally said.
Completely caught off guard, Ally blinked. "What?"
"I'm rude, and I'm arrogant, and I'm selfish. I don't think about other people. I always think about what will affect me and not how it will affect or benefit somebody else. I've yelled profanities at paparazzi when I shouldn't have. I don't acknowledge my fans. I've gone through several assistants, my songwriter quit, my best friend almost started to hate me, and I disrespect my publicist every day." He paused. "I'm so bad for you, Ally."
Ally fell speechless. She didn't know how to reply, or even where this was coming from.
"Maybe one day I'll fix it. I'll fix everything I've done and people will forgive me. But if they don't, that's okay, too. I wouldn't forgive me. I'm a screw up, Ally. I've always been a screw up and I'll continue to screw up. But that's just who I am, okay? Stop trying to change me."
"I..." she shook her head, "Austin, I never meant-"
"-We have a mess to clean." He gave her a smirk that looked tired.
He moved past her and she suddenly felt empty. Cold, even. Like he had just robbed her of the only warmth she had left.
He returned with the broom and cleaned the last bit of glass on the floor. He tipped the edge of the dust pan over the garbage and listened to the shards clink together. He ruined his chance to tell her. He could've told her then. He could've admitted what he'd done and told her how sorry he was and that he'd get her that record deal.
But he didn't.
"You know," Ally suddenly said, cutting through the silence, "If you keep pushing me away, I'm only going to get farther out of your reach."
He slowly looked over at her as she lifted a brow. "I love you, Ally and I know you know that, but we...don't fit."
He just yanked something out of her chest.
"W..What are you talking about?" she sputtered.
"You deserve more than I'll ever give you." he replied. "Look, Ally, something did happen. And when it did, I realized who I really was and who I will always be. And that's why I have to...I have to let you go."
Ally shook her head, "N...No, Austin. Austin, we can fix it, okay? We'll fix it. You don't have to do this." Her face was white.
He looked at her and she almost didn't recognize him.
"Ally, I did something terrible to you and I'm not going to sit here and wait for you to hate me." he told her, "I can't avoid the inevitable."
"Goodnight, Ally."
When he turned, she grabbed his hand and suddenly felt pathetic. "Don't leave me like this."
"Everything Kira said about me is true, Ally. Every little detail she wrote in every gossip magazine. It was all true." Austin said, the smirk on his face barely lifted his cheeks. "If I could ruin her, I could ruin you."
"You won't." Ally croaked.
"Stop being so naive, Ally." Austin shook his head at her. His eyes weren't soft anymore. "Goodnight, Ally."
She followed him to the door. The tears on her face fell numbly as she watched him slip on his shoes. He would leave her for the first time since she'd met him.
"Don't bother coming in tomorrow," Austin said, "I'll be looking for a new assistant. And the album will be coming out in a month, I think that'll give me enough time to look for a new writer."
"You're firing me?" She sounded like a frog.
Finally, he looked at her and pretended that this whole thing didn't hurt. But it did. It felt a dagger sitting crooked in his ribcage.
He nodded. "Yeah, I am. Besides, Jimmy wanted to sign you."
"What?" Her voice cracked on the edge.
Austin shrugged. "Yeah. You better talk to him about that."
"No...You said that I didn't have what he was looking for." Ally replied, confused.
He stared at her and if her heart wasn't already broken, it would've shattered then.
He hesitated, then stepped closer to her. He pressed his forehead against hers for a quick moment. He played with the ends of her hair and brought his hands up to cup the back of her head. He placed a small kiss on her lips.
"Goodnight, Ally." He repeated for the third time.
When he shut the door behind himself, he breathed in deeply. It was suddenly like every bone in his body was broken. He thought about turning around and taking everything back. Maybe convincing her that they'd work it out, they'd get her signed and she could still write songs for him and they could live a happily ever after.
But he bit his tongue and winced.
And walked away.