I'm back again with chapter five "letters of goodbye". thankyou to all those who followed, favourite or reviewed laster chapter. I would also like to give a huge thankyou to my Beta-Author FictionalSalvation.enjoy! :D

chapter songs: when the love falls~ yiruma impossible~ James Arthur

disclaimer: Cassandra clare owns everything except plot.

'The thought itself saddened her never had she ever imagined that something like this would happen. She knew that she was probably overreacting, and being over dramatic Magnus was right when she said she was in love with jace and when you are in love you never want anything to come between the one you loves happiness. Even if leaving and erasing their memories and yours of each other was the only thing you could do. You would do it purely to know that they would still be able to smile and still feel the happiness you wanted for them. Because when you're in love that was all that really mattered.

Clary had been at Magnus's for a couple of hours now, trying to sleep with no success; it was too hard with everything that was running through her mind at a million miles per hour. No sooner would she shut her eyes than the night terrors would take hold of her. So instead she fixated herself at the small oh-so-sparkly glass desk, which Magnus kept in the corner of his guest room.

With pen and paper in hand she would write to them a letter that once read would burn instantly. Her mind seemed to slow down at the prospect. Not a very good way to say goodbye, she thought, but at least it was a goodbye.

Her pen touched the paper, her hand wavering only slightly as she proceeded to write.

Dear Alec,

You are a good man, my friend, my brother. I wish with all my heart that things didn't have to come to this, I really do… but life was never meant to be easy. Well, at least for me… it isn't at the moment. I promise that one day I will meet you again, I just don't know when, or even if it will be in this lifetime.

Your smile will be missed by me, your awkwardness just as much. Baby doll will always be cherished in my so called 'porcelain heart' for eternity, even if I don't remember it - it will still somehow always be there, as if a part of me was missing.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have a person like you in my life. Nevertheless, it just makes saying goodbye painfully harder. I also promise that when I leave, your life will start becoming progressively better. You cannot mourn something you don't even remember; that will be the best part. The life you had with me will be forgotten, the memories erased. I am sorry if you object but it is what has to be done.

You do deserve a reason though, and that you will surely get. I'm sorry if this hurts you or makes you want to cry, for happiness or for sadness. You are going to be an uncle to mine and Jace's child but, sadly, I don't want it - maybe in the future I will. However, Jace doesn't want it either - or at least I assume he doesn't, so, instead of him having to carry this burden, I'll leave him. He deserves a happy life and a smile that won't fade. If this is what brings him that, I will leave with a goodbye.

I'm sorry once again but I love you dearly, my friend, and someday hopefully our paths will cross again and you will be able to forgive me. You don't have to. I would understand if you didn't. It seems to me I've come to all the words I want to say.

Goodbye in Raziel's name,

baby doll.

Dear parabatai…Izzy

I'm so dearly sorry. I am parting with you. For better or worse I don't yet know. Things are going to change soon and I don't know what that will mean for our connection. But it won't be good. My mind seems to be overflowing at the moment with thoughts, with all the memories you've ever given me. Memories that soon both you and I won't have. I don't exactly know how I'm feeling; it's kind of like loneliness: one that only exists in my mind.

I'm going through the loneliest moment in my life. I suppose I'm watching my whole world fall apart and all I can do is stare blankly - that type of loneliness.

I understand how angry you'll be at me, for leaving you, erasing your memories of me, for ruining our parabatai bond, for not saying goodbye in person. I understand how angry you are, and for that I'm sorry.

You are the best friend-sister-parabatai I have always wanted and now I am letting you down by leaving. That hardly seems fair on your part. I love you very much. Please do not cry while reading this. Please don't.

It's so godamn hard to say goodbye to you. You're a part of me, a piece of my heart I will never get back. We will meet again one day - which I'm sure of, whether you will hate me or forgive me I don't know.

I suppose I owe you an explanation now...

I'm pregnant with Jace's child. I do not want the child, nor does Jace. I was going to stay if Jace wanted it and keep the secret of me not wanting it to myself forever, even though it would have killed me from the inside out. However, because Jace led me to believe he didn't want it, I left. Not just for him but for me as well.

He deserves a life where he doesn't have to put up with a child he doesn't want. I left knowing that at least one of us didn't have to put up with it. To know at least one of us would be happy. So congrats, you are an aunty.

I'm sorry you may never be around for part of their life but do know that she/he will come to love you unconditionally as an aunt.

I will never forget your motto "nothing less than 8 inches", but for now I bid you with a farewell.

In Raziel's name,

Tiger.

Dear Simon,

You are my childhood best friend. I grew up with you. Why is it that all my friends are impossible to say goodbye to? Treat Isabelle right; if you don't, if I ever see you again, I will skin you alive, Lewis. I haven't seen you in two weeks now and I'm sorry for not giving you a proper goodbye.

I love you and your geeky personality. I suppose you won't remember anything about me either. This is going to be the toughest choice I've ever made in my life and the reason will have you giving me a sex e.d lecturer, no doubt. Because guess who's pregnant? Me.

I can already hear the words that would be leaving your mouth right about now. 'How could you think to never use protection? Clary you're so much smarter than that. You shouldn't have been going at it anyway- you're not even married! Clary, why? Why? Why? Why!? Do I need to keep going because I could give you a mouthful more' and then I would probably say 'you don't understand'.

In addition, you would say 'no, Clary, I don't understand how a highly intelligent woman can get in bed with a guy and not use protection. I need to get you an STD check immediately, Clary tomorrow I am taking you to the hospital!' Then you would storm off with a pout on your face acting like a child. I would just roll my eyes in return.

So anyway, I just want to give you my gratitude for being my friend for so many years and a very upsetting apology for leaving you behind.

Yours truly,

Fray.

After clary had written Alec, Isabelle, and Simon's letter, she began to write Jace's. She expressed how much she loved him and why she had left him, and wished him the best of luck. She gave him permission to find another woman. Her eyes began to well up with tears, but she pushed them back down for the hundredth time.

She couldn't believe this: she was actually leaving. Not only was she leaving her loved ones behind but she was leaving herself behind as well. Somewhere in this new life with no memories, she would forget the person she once used to be. What about her mother?

Her mother had left New York City with Luke a year ago and she had not been in contact since. Therefore, her mother would never quite worry where she was because she thought Clary was at the institute. For precautions, she would erase their memories too.

So, really, Clary was repeating the same cycle her mother did to her.

With a heavy sigh, she traced a new rune against the back of each letter, so that as soon as it had been read it would light with flames. Then she sent them with another small rune in the top corner of the envelope. Everyone would receive them as soon as they started to question where she was.

This was goodbye.

Jace awoke that morning, the sun piercing through the crack in the blinds. 'Argh, too bright'. He reached for Clary multiple times but grabbed nothing but air.

"Clary?" He called. No reply. "Clary, are you there?" he called again, thinking she may be in the bathroom. But yet again there was no reply, only the sound of the institute's walls creaking. Such a lonely sound.

He slowly got up, stretching his arms behind the back of his head with a loud yawn. Now that he was fully awake, everything came rushing back to him from the night before.

Clary was pregnant with their child. But he couldn't want it because he didn't want to lose her. He pushed the thoughts out of his head and made his way down to the kitchen of the institute. Clary was probably with Izzy or Alec, Jace reassured himself.

A poisonous-smelling food started wafting up to his nose. "Great, Izzy's trying to cook again," he grumbled as he pushed through the heavy doors.

There stood Alec and Simon (or rat boy, as Jace liked to call him.) Izzy was slaving away at the stove, attempting to cook something. Jace could not decipher what exactly it was. It looked like a flat black rock on a pan and next to it a brown lumpy-looking mixture. However, he couldn't see clary anywhere.

"Morning goldilocks- where's little red? Is she still snoring away?" said Simon.

Jace looked up at him, slight tension and worry entering his voice. "No," he replied. "I woke up and she wasn't there. I thought she would have been down here with you."

There was a small silence and Izzy spoke up. "I don't think she's here at the moment. I can feel her absence I had though… well, I thought you went out somewhere last night because that's when I felt her presence becoming further away."

Jace went ghostly pale. Where had she gone after they talked? She didn't leave him, now did she? So many possibilities and thoughts were running through his head, though only bad ones.

His thoughts were broken when four white envelopes dropped between them on the counter, each one addressed to someone in particular. Everyone walked closer and Isabelle gasped, tears starting to catch in her eyes.

Alec, Simon, and Jace moved closer to see why. As soon as they did, their blood ran cold. Each envelope had one of their names on it. Jace saw his own: it was in Clary's cursive handwriting, and it read

To my dearest,

I am sorry but this is goodbye,

Clary.

He was shocked, slowly registering in his head that she had left him. He leaned against the counter for support and slid down to the floor with his head in his hands, a single tear making a trail down his cheek. "He cried all night and never cried again".

Alec's voice broke. "Well, are we just going to just sit here and stare or are we going to open them?" His voice sounded distant. Before Jace knew it, he was now holding a white envelope his envelope thanking Izzy for giving it to him. They all looked at him expectantly, knowing what they wanted he opened the letter and read aloud:

Dear Jace,

You are the love of my life, the man of my dreams, my soulmate, my best friend, and my partner in crime. I'm sorry. But I know. I know you do not want our child either. Moreover, I don't want you to have to live with it if you do not want to. So, I'm sorry. I'm leaving. You can find another woman if you like: you have my permission. It is not going to be hard to forget about me, I swear, and if I ever see you again, maybe we can pick up where we left off. I will never let go of our engagement ring.

I will have it around my neck on a silver chain forever, even if I don't quite remember what it signifies. I am going to stop talking now because if I don't, I don't think I'll be able to stop, and I won't want to leave. However, just remember: I will always love you.

Good luck and good bye,

Yours truly,

Clarissa Adele Herondale-Wayland-Lightwood-Morgenstern-Fairchild-Fray.

He was holding back a flood of tears. He had forgotten to ever have had the power of even coming close to this emotion, to be on the brink of letting everything out and breaking down. He hadn't cried since he was nine, and now time was making up for that.

He was in limbo, not knowing if he was quite alive. All he could hear was her goodbye. All he could see was her. He was destroyed.

"To love is to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed."

Izzy, Simon and Alec were shaking him, calling his name aloud, and slowly pulling him from his own mind. When their faces finally became clear again and not some warped and blurry slow-motion movie, he let it out.

Tears spilled out, streaming down from his golden eyes, down his cheek and jaw onto the hard floor. Izzy grabbed him by the shoulders in shock. "Jace, we will find her and stop her before it is too late. Do you hear me?"

Jace nodded but the words she spoken were garble and went in one ear and out the other. More tears flooded down his face as all their memories start flashing throughout his eyes.

He cried harder, his eyes now puffy and his cheeks rosy red. His face was hot and he was tire. Isabelle was suffocating him in a big sisterly bear hug, yet he made no move to return the gesture.

Slowly, he was falling apart once again. Alec was hugging him as well, wrapping his arms around his sister and his brother and together they fell apart in each other's arms. The tears mixed with each other's. Even Simon joined in. They were one big group lying on the ground in a broken embrace, trying to keep each other up but barley succeeding. This was hard; harder than he could ever comprehend

there you have it, chapter five. feel free to pm me. what are you thoughts so far? until next time ~em