Chapter 10 – Nack's Bad Fur Day
It was at least a day after and it was quite obvious the only food they could find were crab-apples…which aren't digestible and literally had pincers (Chaos-2: "What's this? Alice in Wonderland?!"). Plus Sephiroth had suggested Chocobo Ribs and almost got beaten to an inch of his life by Mona (who somehow stole his Masamune Sword without him realizing it) (Mona: "DEEEEAAAAATTTHHHH!!!!!")… Anyways, the team of five was walking in a random direction when…
"I'm dying!" Kris moaned.
"No you're not." Sephiroth muttered.
"I'm wasting away!" Kris groaned. Then suddenly a scent caught her nose, "Hey that smell… I recognize it… it's…it's… CHOCOLATE!" and in a flash (that would've made any speedy game character jealous) Kris zipped far ahead of the group.
"Hey Kris! Wait up!" Mona yelled as she ran after her friend and Sephiroth, Chaos, and Choco followed.
"CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE!" Kris ranted as she ran like a deranged Dodrio. She stopped when she crashed into a sign and slid down painfully… "Ouchie…"
When Mona and the others gathered Kris up, they looked around.
"Where the heck are we?" Mona asked.
"Wark…?"
The place was cartoony looking. From what the group could see there was a sign in front of them that pointed in two directions, one said NICE and the other NASTY. In the direction of NICE there was a giant beehive with a friendly-looking giant Queen Bee and beyond that was a few mountains a windmill. In the direction of NASTY there was what looked like an army blockade built into a mountain, and a giant wasp's nest.
"This place is REALLY-REALLY weird," said Chaos.
"I remember now!" Kris suddenly sprang up from her state of unconsciousness. "This has to be the Windy stage of Conker's Bad Fur Day!"
"Why is it called Windy?" Sephiroth asked.
"For the Windmill," Kris replied.
"Then why did you smell chocolate?" Mona asked with half-lidded eyes.
"For THAT!" Kris drooled, pointing in the direction of a floating bar of chocolate. "Antigravity Chocolate!" Kris leaped at the hovering candy, not knowing it was a trap…
In the bushes, Nack the Weasel watched with glee as the blonde darted towards the trap he had set up.
"This is too easy…" The weasel grinned as he pressed a button on his remote…
Click…
Kris' hands grappled the Anti-Gravity chocolate and she pulled it down. "CHOCOLATEIT'SMINEYEEEAAAAH!!" And she was pulled away by an irritated Sephiroth.
"Next time don't listen to your stomach…" The Jenova clone grumbled as he pulled Kris (who was eating the bar) back towards the group.
Nack stared goggle eyed with his jaw hanging loose.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" He pressed the button again…and again…56 times…and an umpteenth number of times "CRAP! DARNIT! FRIG! RATFRATZZING!! (CENSORED)!"
No sooner had Kris been dragged back, Mona stood over her friend with a sarcastic expression as she saw the remnants of the chocolate disappear down her friend's throat. "I don't suppose you were going to share any with us…?"
"You could've said so earlier…" Kris grinned, showing off her darkened teeth from the chocolate before spotting a machine sticking out from behind her friend. It had a book like feature to it that seemed a mockery of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" only it had a good and solid copyright on it and the words: "DON'T RUN SCREAMING LIKE AN IDIOT" in giant letters. "What's that?"
And she grabbed it…
Mona let out a yell as it was pried out and grabbed her rear. "YEOWCH, MY HAMMERSPACE!!!"
The Guide promptly droned out: Hammerspace is a fan-envisioned, extra dimensional, instantly accessible storage area. It is also referred to as a back pocket. The concept is jokingly used to explain how characters in any given situation are capable of producing objects out of thin air. A typical example would involve a male character offending or angering a female character who would proceed to produce, apparently out of thin air, an oversized wooden mallet and hit her offender on the head with it in an obviously exaggerated manner.
"The definition from useful…" Kris murmured as she closed the book and handed it back to her friend who was half-bouncing about from the pain. As this was occurring, Nack had charged towards the trap and was bouncing up and down on it in a fury and shouting words that not even a biologist/scientist/mechanic/etc would've heard in his/her lifetime.
"I don't suppose you STOLE it from one of those "Sonic Recolors" that you pried all those rings from…?" Sephiroth asked.
"Eh…I did…but it is a good guide for whatever happens next…" Mona sweat dropped as she forced the guide back into her Hammerspace just as the trap door underneath Nack opened and he stayed in mid air for a moment (with a rather nervous expression) before falling in.
"EEEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH…!"
SPLASH!
Everyone suddenly turned their heads towards the hole in the ground which Nack sprang from with a giant shark (that had an uncanny resemblance to Jaws) which had sunk its teeth into his tail. As soon as the weasel finished his scream of pain, he was tugged back in and the trap snapped shut.
"……the heck was that…?" Kris asked after a long silence.
"Okay, which way should we go?" Chaos said as he looked at the direction signs.
"Isn't it obvious?" said Sephiroth. "We go down NICE,"
"Not really," said Kris.
"Why not?" said Mona, petting Choco who was looking at the little happy yellow flowers.
"Well, actually we could, we'd just have to watch for the giant dung beetles and be careful that we don't fall into the lair of the Great and Mighty Poo."
"The Great and Mighty Poo?" Sephiroth raised a brow.
"Don't ask," Kris shuddered as Mona opened the "Gamer's guide to the Ultimate Gamer game" (Gah, that's repetitive) and looked up "The Great and Mighty Poo". Of course, it would've been better if she hadn't read the lyrics to his "Theme Song" since she suddenly threw the automatic book at Chaos and dove behind a bush.
(INSERT RETCHING NOISE HERE)
"Then lets go down NASTY," said Chaos before picking up the book, taking care not to short circuit it since he was composed of aqua-water-etc.
"Not good either," Kris replied. "That way has the giant wasps and an army blockade where a squirrel general will try to recruit us for the French Squirrel – Teddiez war. I hate Teddiez!"
"What's wrong with teddies? They don't sound too bad," Chaos mused.
"These Teddiez wield samurai swords, machine guns, and nuclear bazookas." Kris stated simply.
"Oh, never mind…" Chaos muttered.
Nack stumbled back into his hiding place coated with scars and other big injuries. Well, the weasel had turned several darker shades of purple…anyway he sat back down behind the bushes and began nursing his injuries.
"Con-fussing, stupid trap door. I'll bet the ghost of Wile E. Coyote is laughing at me…" Nack grumbled before noticing a trap he missed. A grin formed on his face. "Then again…I'll have the last laugh…and a ton of dough to go with it…MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
And his trademark tooth fell from his gums and clattered onto the ground while he was in mid-laugh. Well, why do you think SEGA called him "Fang the Sniper" in the first place?
"Aw poor the fake of…! Stoophid palse poof!"
Several milliseconds pass while Nack gets his false teeth to fit back on…
Nack: "HEY! I'm not THAT OLD!"
Sure he isn't…
"Once they head towards NICE, my trap will be sprung and those idiots will be swimming in The Great and Mighty Poo's sludge before I snag them and the Chaos Emeralds. And then after-that I will collect my money and head straight to Hawaii where I'll meet up with several beautiful ladies and…and…" Nack stared wide-eyed at the fanfic camera (which has been known to destroy the 4th Wall without anyone realizing it). "HEY! GET ON WITH THE FANFIC ALREADY! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"
"Then what can we do?!" asked Mona as she walked back from the bush, a bit woozy (and possibly scarred for life) but stable. Then she noticed Choco pecking at a circle with a B in the middle drawn on the ground. "What in the heck is that thing?"
"Cool! A context-sensitive pad!" Kris looked at it.
"What's a context-sensitive pad?" The brunette asked.
"It's a pad…that's…uh… sensitive to context!" said Kris, proud of her explanation. Everyone else only gave her half-lidded eye expressions. "All I have to do is jump on it and it will help us… I hope…" and Kris jumped on it.
(Head towards NICE) It droned out before Kris jumped off to the side.
"Well…that was easy…" Sephiroth commented before heading in the exact direction as a loud noise similar to a rushing of air became heard. "Nani…?" The bishounen glanced up and his pupils shrank as he spotted a massive anvil falling towards him.
"SEPHIE!!!" Kris shrieked and dashed towards the panic stricken Sephiroth.
"Oh crud I can't watch…!" Mona shielded her and Choco's eyes as the anvil dropped.
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—
(Awkward silence)
"…" Mona kept her hand over her eyes before she finally uttered: "Where's the ker-smash? Usually when an anvil that size falls there's a bone-crunching KER-SMASH!"
(In a Peter Pan scenario: "No KER-SMASH Cap'n!")
Chaos-2 stared before tapping on Mona's shoulder. "Uhh…"
"What?" Mona removed her hands and stared straight ahead towards the scene. Sephiroth was staring wide-eyed at the 10 meter Anvil which had halted directly an inch from his face as Kris had both palms outstretched and a bit of a whitish glow was around the anvil; most likely from the anti-gravity chocolate she digested earlier. Kris clenched her teeth then threw the anvil in another direction. The blonde went silent and stared at her hands.
"Wow…did…did I just do that…?"
"That was awesome Kris!" Mona shouted from a far distance with Choco and Chaos gawking at the scene.
"SQUEE! I JUST SAVED SEPHIE!!" Kris shrieked, breaking out of her stunned mood and glomping the silver-haired bishounen. "I SAVED SEPHIROTH!!! I SAVED SEPHIROTH!!!"
"Don't get used to it…" Sephiroth grumbled. "Saved by a woman…how embarrassing…"
As Nack was planning for his future escapade to Hawaii he didn't particularly notice the giant 10 foot anvil flying directly at him until the last second. "OH MY GAH—"
KER-SMASH!!!!
(ah...THERE's the Ker-Smash!)
For the next hour Kris continued to sing and hang on to Sephiroth. "I SAVED SEPHIROTH I SAVED SEPHIROTH I SAVED SEPHIROTH I SAVED SEPHIROTH!"
"SHUT UP!" Sephiroth tried to pry the girl off of him. Kris abruptly stopped singing and slowly turned her head towards Sephiroth. The silver-haired bishounen's eyes widened when he saw her eyes watering and getting pretty close to releasing full blown tears. "No…wait…I didn't…stop…I'm sorry okay! I didn't mean to…"
"Kris! We're there!" Mona pointed out. Only one tear managed to escape Kris's eyes before she switched into her happier mood and ran forwards until she was next to her friend. "So…where do we go now? I never played this game before…"
"Easy! We go in, endure an incredibly smelly and easy-to-navigate cave, fight the Great and Mighty Poo by throwing toilet-paper into his face, and continue on our neverending journey to find the 7 Chaos Emeralds that will get us out of this video game!" Kris pointed to the cave which had a very disgusting reek to it.
"Does that include our noses being annihilated by that foul odor?" Chaos asked with half-lidded eyes.
"You don't have a nose…" Sephiroth commented with half-lidded eyes.
"Figuratively speaking…" The water-monster replied with an equally cynical tone.
"Wark-wark…!" Choco squawked from the smell and tried to tuck its head under its wing.
Kris bravely strutted forward "Okay let's go—AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!" and suddenly disappeared.
"Kris!" Mona and Chaos-2 yelled.
"Wark!"
"Where'd she go?!" Mona looked around anxiously.
"She's gone?" Sephiroth asked happily, only to receive a death-glare from Mona, "I mean 'Oh no, how horrible'."
"Glitch!" Chaos exclaimed.
"I beg your pardon?" Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at the water monster.
"No, look, a glitch!" Chaos pointed to a pixel shaded white hole in the ground. "She probably fell through,"
"Of course!" Mona realized. "This is still a beta game, so it's probably still has errors and bugs. We have to get her out of there!" Mona was about to jump in but Chaos grabbed her.
"Wait! You can't just jump into a glitch, who knows what it does." Chaos said.
"What do you mean by that?" Sephiroth asked.
"It could lead to another part of the game, or to another world, or it could have even deleted her."
"What?!" Mona and Sephiroth exclaimed.
Abruptly, a faint squelching sounded off along with a groan of: "I'm okay…! It's just a bit smelly down here!"
"Well…at least she didn't get deleted…" Sephiroth grumbled.
"Well-well Sephie-kins…you really do care!" Mona grinned but wiped the expression off her face when the Jenova Project mouthed: "Descend Heartless Angel".
While this was going on, a giant sludge-hand stretched out behind them grabbed Choco, pulling the bird into the cave. "WARK!"
"Choco?" Mona looked and saw her Chocobo was gone. "AH! Choco! Not you too!"
"WARKY-WARK-WARK…!" Choco's panicked cawing echoed from the depths of the stinky cave.
"Oh no! What do we do now?!" Mona yelped.
"They're as good as dead," Sephiroth muttered.
"Wha,"
"Nobody human, beast, cybernetic, or nonliving can stand that smell. Your friend and that Chocobo are goners…"
"Sephiroth," Mona sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Both her eyes were clamped shut as to prevent a headache. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were going to leave them down there to die from the fumes…"
"Well…you guessed—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOW!" The silver haired bishounen's sword somehow found its way into his foot before Mona rammed into his back like one of the Green Bay Packers or any other member of a famed football team. "Wha-wha-wait-what are you doing…!" Sephiroth yelled as he spun his arms to regain balance.
"GET IN THERE YOU STUPID SILVER-HAIRED PANZY…!" The brunette roared, knocking both herself and Sephiroth into the glitch, leaving Chaos-2 in the clearing.
"……" The Chaos-Monster grumbled and glanced towards what seemed to be a staircase marked: "Back Door". The greenish orbs became half-lidded and the bluish mass lifted upwards for a few seconds before letting out a sigh. "Humans…"
Nack could hardly believe his luck as he 'waltzed' down the long and winding stairs. The purple weasel had a gas mask on to protect himself from the fumes and his eyelids resembled an upside down "u" in happiness at his work.
"WAHAHAHAHAHA…! Oh man! I can't believe my luck! I actually got those four idiots!" Nack chortled as he spun his dart gun on his finger. "The Great and Mighty Poo will dispose of those two users for me and I will get my billion ring reward! WAHAHAHAHAHA…!"
(Yeah…Whahahahahaha…moron…)
"Hey!"
Elsewhere…
Sephiroth and Mona were lying in a heap on the ground, a bit similar to the event in Chapter 4 when they first met, but they were both covered in what appeared to be…well…poop. Well…Sephiroth had gotten the worst of it…
"Hey, you both alright…?" Kris asked, stumbling through the poop to her poo-covered friends.
"I feel like the floor of a Taxi Cab…" Mona replied as-a-matter-of-factly as Sephiroth laid face-down in the crap letting out what seemed to be a combination of a whimper, a groan, and something bubbly. The brunette winced as her shoes came in contact with the mush. "At least Sephiroth cushioned my fall…"
Sephiroth's head shot up and he inhaled the polluted air before croaking and spitting.
"Augh…!"
"SEPHI YOU CAME TO—oh…" Kris stopped short when she saw how he was coated in crap. "Maybe later…"
Sephiroth took a good look at his outfit and smirked. "Kris repellant…very nice…but still smelly…"
"Aw man! This was my favorite shirt!" Mona commented, pulling at the bottom corner of her Sonic the Hedgehog Tee. "And we have to find Choco before something with the word "poo" in its title eats him!"
"What? Choco was captured too?!" Kris exclaimed.
"Yeah…"
"Well THAT'S not good and…" The spectacled teen abruptly noticed something particularly odd and pointed at an empty space located conveniently next to her brunette friend. "Where's Chaos-2?"
"Uhh…I think he's still up there and—AAH!" Mona let out a panicked yelp when Chaos somehow appeared behind her and latched onto Sephiroth. Sephiroth glanced at her, to the audience, then back at Mona…and then he dropped her into the poop…further ruining her favorite half-sleeve shirt. "EEEEYAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHH…!"
"How the hell did you get here without being caked in poo?!" Sephiroth sputtered, regarding himself and the two girls. Mona was screaming of how she was going to do something unbearably horrible (and painful) to Sephiroth once she got out of the crap-filled-cave along with spewing several obscenities that Conker the Squirrel would never have uttered in his game career. Kris was just trying to smear the stuff off, not inhaling it, and trying to ignore the obscenities that her friend was uttering.
"I used the stairs…" Chaos-2 replied, still keeping on his half-lidded eyes. "I was trying to tell you before you both jumped into that glitch…"
"I did NOT jump in! She rammed into me like one of those Poke-e-thingies that knew the move Tackle!" Sephiroth retorted and pointed a finger at the brunette who had long-since pulled herself out of the poo.
"They're called POKEMON and you were going to leave them in there you over inflated egotistic bas—" Mona started.
"Aren't you forgetting something? Black, has feathers, small wings, a cute little orange beak, Wookie-woo?" Kris interrupted. There was a horrible silence as this was calculated faster than a loading screen in an Xbox 360 game.
"OH F—"
"—for Pete's sake!" Nack yelled, grabbing both sides of his fedora and yanking it down on his masked head in frustration. "You, Mr. "Great and Mighty POO", are amazingly-wonderfully-IDIOTIC! When I said capture the heroes, I did not mean for you to capture their little-birdie-foo-foo!"
"I missed and the Chocobo was the closest to me and…did you mean to say "little-bunny-foo-foo"…?" The Great and Mighty Poo (let's just call him "Mr. Poo") commented as Choco let out panicked Wark and Wookie-wooing as the turd-boss kept a grip on him.
"I meant little-dummy-foo-foo!!" The weasel yelled.
"WOOKIE-WOO…!" Choco cawed.
"Stop rhyming already!" Nack yelled before settling down, even though he was still riled up. "Now look, those bumbling idiots are going to be running down here to save that blasted bird! I want you to make sure they are KOed once I get back and prepare to turn them in!"
"Aren't I getting half the reward?"
"I said you're getting 30 percent!"
"50!"
"30!"
"45!"
"Fine…deal!" Nack yelled before stamping (or possibly squelching) out of the room muttering something close to: "Stupid lump of dung…"
"Alright, now we have to summon Mr. Poo." said Kris.
"Why do we want to summon the destructive dung pile?" Sephiroth grumbled, trying to remain slightly dignified in this highly undignified environment.
"To save Choco from his smelly fate," Kris replied, "All we need is the proper bait."
"Nice rhyme…" Mona half-smiled since she was still fuming over her shirt.
Kris looked around, and then spotted what she was looking for. "You!"
"Me?" Chaos asked.
"No, the sweet corn hiding behind your legs." said Kris.
That being said, the little yellow corn kernel with big eyes darted off.
"After it!" Kris yelled and darted after it.
Mona and Chaos followed Kris, chasing the screaming kernel around the crap cave. Sephiroth stayed where he was. He wasn't going to lower himself as to pursue a vegetable. He watched as the two humans and water monster-demon-thing-whatever-it-was chase the sweet corn all around the place, even along the ceiling and defying the laws of gravity.
"I need this!" Kris said she ran passed Sephiroth, taking his Masamune sword with her.
"HEY! Why is everyone always stealing my sword?!" Sephiroth yelled and then he started chasing them. "Give it back!"
Now this continued for quite some time, and the other sweet corn in the cave decided to stop their aim-less wandering of the cave and sit and watch this spectacle. Kris then finally caught up to the vegetable and whacked it over its head with the blunt side of the Masamune, knocking it out. "Got it!" But as can be expected, the ever famous and effective domino effect resulted in another pile up of our heroes. Three of the sweet corn audience held up score cards: 10, 9.5, and Eat More Meat (okay, that last one was subliminal messaging).
After recovering (and being recovered in poo) Mona said sarcastically, "Well that was fun, now what?"
"This!" Kris grabbed the unconscious corn and walked over to the giant hole in the middle of a cave. The cave seemed to be in the same state as the tunnels the four were running around in, and a huge amount of slop was under elevated bridges like a putrid smelly lake. Kris, somehow not even bothered by the stench, tossed the now wide awake sweet corn into the hole where it disappeared with a loud shriek.
"What'd you do that for?" Sephiroth asked.
"That's what you're supposed to do in the game," said Kris, "Now we wait for Mr. Poo to pop out, sing his song, and defeat him like the heroes we are!"
"Wait…he's going to sing?" Mona twitched as the lyrics to his censorship-killing tune spun around in her head.
Elsewhere, The Great and Mighty Poo and the captive Choco heard the distinctive squeaking of something tiny, and delicious to the pile of sludge. Choco and Mr. Poo looked down in time to catch sight of something yellow and had wide eyes atop its head.
"Who dares to challenge me…?" Mr. Poo sang in his baritone voice before grabbing the sweet corn, which let out a shrill scream, and dove under the sludge taking both captives with it.
"Uh…Kris…?" The brunette shivered as something high-pitched caught her ears along with deep orchestra music. "What's going on?"
"He's coming up!" Kris replied as the high-pitched warbling turned into loud shrieks ("OHNONOPUTMEDOWNWAAAAHOHNONOOO!") coming from the same sweet corn she threw in and panicked squawks from Choco. "And he smells a whole lot worse than the cave…"
"Disgusting…" Sephiroth shuddered as the giant lump of poo started forming from the crap infested 'lake'. Chaos-2 could only twitch as he caught sight of the dull green eyes and brown teeth that could make a professional dentist faint.
"Choco!!" Mona shouted towards the sludge covered Chocobo which flapped its wings in response. "Don't worry! We'll get you out of here!"
"WARK-WAARK!" Choco cried as the Great and Mighty Poo stuck the bird's feet onto a nearby wall before turning his attention back to the sweet corn which disappeared into his mouth with one final: "NOOOOOOO!"
The Great and Mighty Poo then cleared his throat and did a couple of musical scales before he began to sing…
(And for the sake of the rating, we shall edit out a few of the words and replace them with something the censors can handle.)
"I AM THE GREAT MIGHTY POO,
AND I'M GOING TO THROW MY CRAP AT YOU!
A HUGE SUPPLY OF TISH
COMES FROM MY CHOCOLATE STARFISH!
HOW ABOUT SOME SCRAP
YOU LITTLE RAT(s)"
"At least he didn't say—" Sephiroth started.
"RUN AWAY!!!" Mona, Kris, and Chaos-2 yelled simultaneously in a Monty-Python/Scooby Doo fashion before they split in different directions just as a giant ball of poo smacked into the silver-haired man.
"…not again…"
"Get to the context-sensitive pads! They have toilet paper on them!" Kris shouted. Chaos-2 abruptly skidded to a halt onto one and pulled up a giant roll of toiletry which he heaved above his head just as the poo-monster showed up in front of him and began holding a long note. With the throwing power like that of a football player, Chaos hurled the roll of paper into the dripping-with-decay maw. The Great and Might Poo's mouth clamped shut before he began croaking and gasping on the toiletry.
"That is just disgusting…" Chaos-2 grumbled as a bit of the water in his face turned a bit of a green color and the lump-of-dung reformed in the center of the room.
"DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU'LL SURVIVE IN HERE?
YOU DON'T SEEM TO KNOW WHICH CREEK YOU'RE IN!
SWEET CORN IS THE ONLY THING TO MAKE IT THROUGH MY REAR!
HOW'D YOU THINK I KEEP THIS LOVELY GRIN?"
The Great and Mighty Poo then flashed one of his corn-teeth and pulled off another wad of crap.
"Have some more caviar…" He commented before hurling it at them and the crap-wad struck Sephiroth who had just got out of the first pile.
"OH COME ON!" Sephiroth yelled, though it was muffled through the poo pile.
"Ready? Aim…FIRE!" Kris yelled and a second wave of toilet paper sailed through the air, landing a hole-in-one right in Mr. Poo's mouth. "Bull's eye!"
"Ugh, I'm getting sick…" Chaos-2 groaned, turning green as he launched his toiletry at him.
"Hang in there Chaos! Do it for Choco!" Mona yelled as she flung her roll with sniper-like precision.
Choco cawed in joy as the rolls caused the poo-beast to gag choke and spit out a combined mess of toiletry and poo before reforming in the center of the cave once again. This time he seemed to have a bit of an angry tone in his singing voice.
"NOW I'M REALLY GETTING RATHER MAD!
YOU'RE LIKE A NIGGLY TICKLY GRITTY LITTLE TAG NUT!"
"Gritty?" Kris had a confused expression plastered on her face. "Oh well at least it's better than him saying:—"
"WHEN I'VE KNOCKED YOU OUT WITH ALL MY BAB,
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR HEAD AND RAM IT UP MY BUTT!"
Mona dropped the roll she was carrying and stared wide-eyed at the G&MP. She pondered over the last verse before asking shakily.
"Your butt?"
"MY BUTT!"
"Your butt?!" Mona's right eyelid twitched in disgust.
"That's right, my butt!"
"EW…" The brunette shuddered from a mental image which would have made anyone in her position faint.
"MY BUTT!"
"EEEEEEEW!!!" Mona turned a deep shade of green and clamped both hands over her mouth to prevent herself from vomiting but quickly regretted it. "AAAAUGH!"
"That's just disgusting…" Chaos-2 groaned as Mona fell on the ground in a fetal position mumbling: "Germs…so many germs…make it stop…make it stop…"
"MY BUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!"
As The Great and Mighty Poo kept holding the long note, the mirror behind him started to crack catching Kris's attention. "The flush! If we can get him to sing again, he'll break the mirror and we can flush him!"
Elsewhere, Nack had heard the loud baritone voice and twitched when he heard the gasping and choking noises.
"CRIMONY…!" The weasel shouted before running back in the direction he came. "The stupid blob is going to mess everything up!"
With Mona temporarily out of action, Kris and Chaos-2 found it rather difficult to keep up with the Great and Mighty Poo who had been dropping down and avoiding the toilet paper rolls like a plague would a cure.
"Something's got to bring this thing down…" Kris growled.
"I can't take much more!" and Chaos collapsed.
"Chaos!" Mona yelled as she wearily staggered to her 'mud' coated feet.
Suddenly a giant lit up light bulb appeared over Kris's head. "Eh?" She looked up at it, then down at the context sensitive pad and smiled. "Guess you really are sensitive to context aren't you?" Kris jumped on it and was armed with a machine gun with rounds of toilet paper.
"What the?" Mona stared at the TP gun with a perplexed expression as she got steady. "I don't remember reading about that in the original game."
"This ain't the original game." Kris cocked her toilet-paper gun. "Hey, giant turd, say hello to my lettle frend!" and started off a un-dodge-able barrage of toiletry. The Great and Mighty Poo, after springing up, abruptly got pelted in the face with a barrage of toilet paper.
"AAAUGH! HE—OOF! STOP THA—OW! YOU ANNOYING LITTLE SH—AAAUGULP!" Upon opening his giant mouth, several toilet paper rolls flew into his mouth with a surprising accuracy. Completely stunned by the rapid fire, The Great and Mighty Poo could only keep his jaw open as it was filled to the brim with toiletry much like Patrick Star getting his mouth filled to the brim with snowballs fired off by Spongebob.
Nack, after slipping and sliding through the caverns, abruptly found himself watching the GaMP getting filled up with toiletry. The weasel's jaw dropped several inches before he regained his composure and shouted: "YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE HECK are you…oh…"
And a toilet paper roll rebounded off the side of the poo-monster and flew directly at the purple weasel. In a mock Simpson Movie scene, Nack's eyes followed the giant roll as it steadily loomed towards him.
S-BANG!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Nack yelled after he was flattened and the toilet roll continued well rolling into the tunnels. The screaming weasel passed by the same sweet corn audience and disappeared out of sight just before a resounding crash was heard and a powerful tremor sent some drops of…crap…raining down over the crowd from the 'ceiling'. The sweet corn judges abruptly held up score cards that read: "What" "An" "Idiot" and "I saved 15 dollars by switching to Geico!"
"Hmm…that weasel seemed familiar…hmm…NAH…must be the fumes giving me hallucinations…" Mona shook the thought aside from her place in the cavern as she ducked an incoming poo wad.
The Great and Mighty Poo coughed and choked out the toilet paper momentarily after Kris stopped her seemingly never-ending barrage. Mona and Choco cheered ecstatically from their places (although they tried to avoid the raining dung) while the poo monster spat out the toiletry and dove back into the slop lake before resurfacing in the center.
"Mona! Get ready!" Kris shouted to the brunette. Mona, although wobbly, got onto her feet and kept her eyes on the already cracked mirror as The Great and Mighty Poo slowly began to hold a note longer and louder until the cave shook. The mirror gained one final crack before shattering and revealing an old fashioned lever. "THERE!"
FLUSH!
Both girls stopped dead in their places while the Great and Mighty Poo found himself spinning in place. His green eyes were widened and his stubby arms attempted to grab a hold of something that would stop his second descent (since Conker quite literally flushed him previously).
"OH YOU CURSED GIRLS, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! I'M FLUSHING! I'M FLUSHING!" He yelled as the spinning accelerated. "OH WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! WHO THOUGHT GOOD LITTLE GIRLS LIKE YOU COULD DESTROY MY BEAUTIFUL CLOGGINESS LIKE THAT SQUIRREL!"
Kris continued watching the Great and Mighty Poo suffer his second flush while Mona ran towards a location where she could reach Choco and pull him off the wall.
"OH, I'M GOING!!! AAAAAHHH! NOOOOOoooo!! Aaaah…" He continued yelling before disappearing down the depths of a vertical tunnel. Kris paused for a moment before chuckling and turning towards the audience with a smile on her face.
"Now that's what I call a bowel movement…" She quoted Conker cheerfully. And, like clockwork, a resounding fart came from the bottom of the pit.
"Now that THAT's over…" Mona grumbled as she pulled Choco from the wall. Choco cawed happily and nuzzled into his poo-coated 'mother'. "Don't worry sweetie! I won't let you out of my sight like that again!"
"That and…" Chaos-2 groaned and staggered to his feet. "Who pulled the plug on the poo-thing…?"
Everyone looked towards the flush and caught sight of Sephiroth in a heroic (isn't that an oxymoron??) hunched over position with one arm holding his torso while the other held the lever down. There also was a relieved smile on his face while his eyes were closed.
"SEPHIE!!!" Kris cried happily. "YOU SAVED US!!"
"OY SILVER-HAIRED PANZY!" Mona shouted angrily and with a pulsing vein on her forehead and one clenched fist. "WHAT'S WITH THE HEROIC POSE?! WE DID ALL THE BLOODY WORK!!!"
"Oh give it a rest!" Sephiroth retorted. "He's flushed isn't he?!"
"Those two…are never going to get along…" Chaos-2 grumbled from his place as Mona and Sephiroth threw insults at one another and Kris somehow fangirl hugged the silver-haired bishounen.
A while after the group got out of the cave (with Mona and Sephiroth both still arguing), Nack stumbled into the main cavern looking worse for the wear. The weasel wobbled from side to side and his fedora was flattened against his violet head much like his gas mask.
"Darn it…I was so close…" Nack groaned.
"Close…but not close enough…" A robotic voice barked.
The weasel whirled about and found his breath caught in his throat when he caught sight of "Deep Voice's" top two minions. "Y-y-you…!"
"You didn't think Master was holding the money for safekeeping, did you Weasel?" The more human voice asked with a slightly humored tone mixed in.
Nack backed up shakily and wide-eyed as the two shadowed figures approached with menacing steps. "Wait…WAIT JUST A MINUTE! I won't mess up again! I'll get them next time I swear!"
The robot scowled and went face to face with the weasel so his red eyes were focused on the unnerved obsidian. "There's not going to be a next time…Nack." And Nack was punched into the pit with a loud cry following that grew softer as he descended before a loud squelching signaling his collision with the Great and Mighty Poo.
"…c'mon robo…let's get out of this crap-cave before we start to stink…" The red-head human commented before turning around and leaving the cave with the robot.
Down in the poo-pit, Nack and the Great and Mighty Poo remained in silence. The weasel held his bruised face under the mask and shot a glare at his partner-in-crime.
"THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"
The Great and Mighty Poo's retort to that little accusation was in the form of a giant wad of crap.
Nack's pupils shrunk to the size of tiny dots as his ears folded back. "…not again—"
SPLAT!
To be continued…
QofSF: (walks up to microphone and taps it) this thing on? I guess so… Ahem… Hiya! I'm Queen of the Sacred Flames, co-author of this fanfiction, and Imperfection07 is letting me do a commentary all by myself! Completely and totally unsupervised::squee!:: First off, I wanna say that we totally deserve an Oscar for this chapter considering how many synonyms for 'crap' we used.
(Is suddenly handed an Oscar from somebody off-screen and applauds sound off from the audience)
QofSF: Oh wow! I hope Imperfection07 gets one too, I could not have done without Imperfection07 and the cast of this fic (wipes a tear from her eyes) I also want to thank- (suddenly the Oscars music blares, cutting her off) Hey! I'm supposed to get thirty seconds! Come on!
(Suddenly a cane sticks out from off screen, hooks onto QofSF, and tries to pull her off the stage)
QofSF: No wait! (She grabs onto the microphone and holds on) I want to thank my mom, the cast and crew of the fic (the cane yanks again and QofSF holds on tight) and all my favorite bishies and David Bowie and- (and QofSF looses grip on the microphone and is yanked away as the Oscars music continues) AIIEEE!
Please Review on this Chapter!!