A/N: As a reminder, this weird version of Star Trek is based on my life, so there's no telling what will happen because life is unpredictable.
Ode to A Starship by Lina Shay
Chapter Forty-Seven: Shameless
I decided to go to a special meeting for the Will of the Prophets class. It was on a day it normally wasn't, but they had planned it to be a social event. I figured that I could thrust myself more in social situations and that way, I could be less afraid of them.
Kenned was the only one there when I arrived. I was a little early, though. I sat down next to him at a table in the park. It was a nice, cool day and birds were chirping. The lush green around us made me feel good somehow. Kenned didn't take notice of the surroundings. He was much too busy drawing. I glanced at what he drew. It was a picture of a woman and a child smiling at one another in a knowing way.
"Who are they?" I asked him.
"Oh," he muttered, itching his chin, "they're no one really. I just read about these people in a report at work and decided to draw them."
Other people began to arrive, but Kenned and I paid little attention to them. We became engulfed in each other's conversations. When someone else tried to make a comment, Kenned would usually fall silent and stare down at his drawing. Once that person's attention was focused elsewhere, I would have to come up with a question which would bring Kenned out again. It wasn't very hard since I knew Kenned so well. Kenned was really uncomfortable in the crowd and I was as well. I made an excuse to go elsewhere and found a remote spot. I sat on the grass and looked up at the sky. Somehow I knew Kenned would come over. Or maybe I just wanted him to.
"Can I sit?" He asked.
"Sure," I said with a smile.
He layed down on the grass. I felt the inclinatin to pull up grass and start burrying him, so I did.
"Why do I have the feeling that I'm being burried?" Kenned asked with a familiar twinkle in his eye.
"I don't know why you would," I laughed.
"Look, birds are even circling," Kenned pointed out. "I must be dead."
I looked up and saw he was right. A few birds were circling over us. They weren't scavengers, of course. They were just harmless songbirds.
"Sometimes I wonder why I come to these things," Kenned muttered. "I really don't enjoy being around people."
"Sometimes, I feel the same way," I told him.
"Yes, but I hate being around people," Kenned went on. "I don't think people should be around me. I keep telling Sven and Nelle that they shouldn't hang around me. I'm not right in the head. They just laugh."
I smiled a little. "If they don't mind being around you than why do you mind it?"
He shrugged. "I just get these thoughts that I'm this awful person and I don't deserve friends."
"I think we all have those thoughts sometimes, Ken," I replied.
Ken glanced over at me, and then looked back at the sky. "Sava has been bugging me to ask you out."
I hadn't expected him to say that. The only thing I could get out of my mouth was, "Why?"
Kenned just shrugged.
"It has been a year since our last date," I reminded. "Our first date was a year before that. I guess it's about time for a third."
"So, what do you want to do?" He asked.
"I know this holonovel I wanted to try," I said.
"All right," he muttered. "Let's shoot for friday and see if that works."
"OK."
On my way home, I realized that I had made a stupid mistake. I slumped into my parent's room and sat on the edge of mom's bed. I bit my lip to keep from giving a guilty smile.
"So, did you have fun?" Mom asked.
"Kind of," I shrugged.
"Anyone interesting there?"
"Not really," I muttered, avoiding her gaze.
"If there was no one interesting, who did you have fun with?" Dad queried.
"Kenned," I said quickly and then burried my face in a pillow.
"He doesn't count," Mom insisted. "Did he ask you on a date?"
"Yes."
"Did you say yes?"
"Yes!"
Mom shook her head. "That wasn't a good idea."
"I know!" I cried, lowering the pillow.
"If that boy would grow up," Mom trailed off, shaking her head.
"He's a loser," Dad added.
They started laughing and I felt bad. They had no right to talk about him like that. It wasn't Kenned's fault that he had psychological problems. He was trying to overcome them. He had a job and was getting ready to enter the academy. He was funny and sweet. They had no right to talk about him like that. If I was a more assertive person, I might have said this.
"He's my friend, Mom," I muttered shyly.
Mom just shook her head.
I lay in bed that night and thought about the horrible thing I had done. I cared for Kenned, but I could not be more than friends with him no matter how funny or tallented or sweet or cute he was. I loved him only as a friend. Kenned once told me that I was the only girl who had ever made him feel like he was worth anything. I wished I could love him for his sake. I had tried to love him, but it always ended with him getting hurt. I didn't want to do it again. I wished that I could tell him that I flirt with people I have less interest in. I wished I could warn him that I have frivelous crushes that are short-lived. I wished I could tell him that I was no good for him, and he should stay away from me. He should know it all, though. He's known me for over three years and has witnesses first-hand that I'm a shameless heartbreaker, even if I don't mean to be. He should know better. They say it's shame on me if I fool him once and shame on him if I fool him twice. Where lies the blame if there's a third time?
The worst thing of all this was that I knew I would have a hard time resisting leading him on. There is within me a desire to encourage those I know like me. It would start small. A lingering glance with a smile. Then our knees will accidently touch, but I will leave my knee touching his and pretend not to notice. Soon, I would find reasons to touch his arm, his shoulder, or his knee. If he responded to these things, a kiss would ensue. Poor Kenned!
A sudden occurance came to me. It was something I had not thought of and pained me to think about. Perhaps, I had more in common with Malk than I realized. I always thought him cruel to lead me on and then tell me that he didn't want to have a relationship with me. But could it be that he suffers that same desire that I do? Could it be that he couldn't resist leading me on because he knew I liked him. He knew he was hurting me, but he couldn't stop himself, just as I am now hurting Kenned.
If only there was something I could do to let Kenned know that this is a purely "as friends" date. I could kill Sava for encouraging him. I resolved that friday I would be the ice queen. I would not flirt with him at all. I would keep control of my impulses. I pray to the prophets that I can keep my wits about me on this date.