ODE TO A STARSHIP by Lina Shay
Chapter Fifty: Vedek Shay
The day I got word from the Kai herself that the prophets had accepted my rituals and were ready to embrace me into the Vedek order, I was much more fightened than excited. I sent word to all my friends from the Wasatch. They were all excited. I wished I shared their enthusiasm. It was hard to leave everything behind and go to live at the temple.
The first step to becoming a Vedek, aside from the rituals was spending several weeks as a prylar. It was a very strict time with very strict rules. The goal achieved from being a prylar was to learn discipline, to obey with exactness and to stucy many hours the prophesies to learn the pattern of the prophets. It was not an enjoyable time. There were days when I could no longer handle the study and the structure. One day, I snuck away from the other prylars. I found a secluded spot in the temple and wept.
"It is all right," came a very soft and kind voice, accompanied by a hand on my shoulder.
I looked up through tear-filled eyes at a kind face surrounded by the orange robe and headdress of a Vedek. The woman smiled down on me with sympathetic eyes.
"I'm sorry, Vedek," I sniffled. "I feel so foolish."
"Don't worry, my child," she whispered, touching my ear. "The prophets understand that this is a hard sacrifice to make. They do not expect perfection from us mere Bajorans. Perfection belongs to the prophets alone."
"It's just," I began, my voice shaking, "a month ago, I absolutely knew this was the path the prophets had laid out for me. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure that I belong here at all."
"The prophets don't ask for impossible things," the Vedek assurred me. "The prophets called you because they believe in you. Just believe in yourself and you can do all things."
There was a wonderful feeling she gave off, a feeling that she truly cared about me. I couldn't help believe everything she said.
The Vedek led me bacl to the other prylars and watched over me that day. When I glanced up at her, she would smile in a reassurring way. Whe I became a Vedek, that was the type of Vedek I wanted to be.
I didn't see Vedek Zajaiko- what I learned was her name- again through my entire prylar training. And when I left the temple, I wished I could have told her how much that talk helped me get through the rest of my training.
The next step, I was considered a Vedek and referred to as such, but I was what other occupations would call an apprentice Vedek. I trained a few more weeks with Vedek Keiryer. Vedek Keiryer was not at all like Vedek Zajaiko. She was stern and serious and rarely talked to me unless it was to give me instruction. Whenever she asked if I was ready to give a sermon or address someone's concerns, I always said no. I did practice, though, and study. I learn the rituals and prophesies the best I could. But learning the words and interpreting what the prophets would have me do where very different things.
I spent many nights awake in my bed, praying to feel I belonged, praying for the courage to do my duty as a Vedek. All the praying didn't seem to help.
"You don't seem like you're trying very hard," Vedek Keiryer once accused.
"I am trying," I insisted, feeling tears flooding my eyes. "I just don't feel I can do this."
"Then you can't," Keiryer shot at me. "Only if you believe you can will you be able to do what's necissary. Otherwise, you might as well not be here at all."
The tears were streaming down my face. "But I saw a vision. The prophets told me to become a Vedek."
"Maybe you misunderstood," Keiryer shrugged.
What she said stcuk with me. Could I really have misunderstood? It seemed so clear. I saw myself as a Vedek. How could that not mean I should become one?
I got permission from Vedek Keiryer to go to the temple on my own. I went to the temple where I trained to be a prylar.
"Vedek Zajaiko?"
She was standing in the corner of a large room, lighting a candle. She turned when she heard me call her name, and smiled at me.
"Vedek Shay," she greeted with delight. "It's not often that I see a graduate prylar so soon."
"I've been wondering some things," I muttered nervously. "I've wondered if maybe I didn't understand my vision that told me to be a Vedek."
"The prophets often show us images that we don't understand immediately," Zajaiko explained. "It takes a lot of time and reflection and sometimes things doing mean what they first appear to. Tell me, how long did you pray and contemplate your vision before deciding to be a Vedek?"
"Uh." I felt embarrassed. "Not very long. I thought it was self-explanitory. I didn't know you could interpret it more than one way."
"Vedek Shay, the biggest part of being a Vedek is having the desire to serve the prophets and all of Bajor."
"I do have that desire," I insisted. "But must I do it as a Vedek?"
Zajaiko smiled. "That is your answer. Remember, Vedek Shay, that it is your choice. If you find yourself somewhere you don't want to be, don't blame the prophets. Take responsibility for your life."
"Does that mean I can go home?" I asked, feeling excited and afraid at the same time.
"This tunic may not fit you now," Vedek Zajaiko whispered as she removed my Vedek headdress. "But maybe it will fit you some day."