The 24 Parody Project

Episode 2

AT FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Paul: Guys! Great news! The season premiere was a hit! Over 10 million viewers! Another Exclamatory Sentence!

Chester: Awesome! So what should we do with the 2nd episode?

Paul: Well, since the ratings are this hot we gotta keep the pace going strong….so….you know what that means?

Adam: Not really.

Paul: We have to kill off a character!

Chester: WHAT!? That's ridiculous! The fans love the characters! Killing them would only piss them off, look what happened with Tony and Michelle! I know I was pissed.

Paul: Yea, but people don't watch the show to fall in love with the characters; they watch it because the excitement keeps you on the edge of your seat. Right?

The others writers look at each other nervously.

Kyle: Uh, sure.

Paul: So what do you say? Someone gets put on the chopping block this week?

Chester: Hmm….what do you think, Fred?

Fred: Well, all right. Just make sure you don't 'off' someone who's really important to the story line right now.

Paul: Wouldn't dream of it.

MEANWHILE

Chloe: Mmm. Lunch time!

Chloe suddenly slumps forward, splatting face first into her potato salad.

Bill and Nadia run in.

Bill: Oh my god! She's dead!

Nadia: -sniff-…that was my potato salad!

Bleep….bleep……bleep…..bleepblepelbeplbepbelbleplbepb……24!!!!!

Jack: Hey Peeps! Previously on….24!

-AND ROLL THE CLIPS!-

Narrator: Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls. But Professor Bill Buchanan accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction, Chemical X!! Thus, The Bauer-puff Girls were born! Using their ultra-super powers, Jack, Chloe, and Morris have dedicated their lives to fighting crime and the forces of evil!

Bill: Oh my god! They're hideous!

Jack: HEY!!!!

Chloe: How rude!

Morris: Dahling, does this skirt make my butt look big?

-DRUGS, ANYONE? NEXT!-

Chloe: Jack, the bomb is about to go off!

Jack: Where is it!?

Chloe: The women's bathroom!

Jack: Oh, that's okay, I'll pass.

-KA-BOOOOOM!-

-THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN, MOVING ON-

Audrey: With this secret looove potion, Milo will be under my spell! And the Pressman fortune will be mine! ALL MINE!!!! BWA! HA! HA! HA!!!!

-WTF? AND ALSO-

Terrorist Bob: We strike this afternoon, but first. We dine….at DENNY'S!

Terrorists: HOORAY! DENNY'S!

Jack: umm….ooookay. The following takes place between 8:00am and 9:00am.

Morris shuffles past a completely dead Chloe face down in her potato salad though he doesn't seem to notice. He walks up to Bill, who is playing solitaire on someone's computer.

Bill: Morris?

Morris: Bill, I've just received word that Jack has been kidnapped.

Bill: How do you people find this stuff out so fast?

Morris: Why, the FOX NEWS NETWORK of course. You gotta love those advertising gimmicks.

Techie Sarah: So Natalie, I'm watching FOX NEWS!!!! It's on the uber cool FOX CHANNEL!!! Stay tuned for 'The Simpsons', Sunday nights on FOX!!!! FOX FOX FOX FOX FOX!!!!!

Techie Natalie: Sarah….shut your face!

Bill: Do we have a lead on the kidnappers? We have to get Jack back. He is an integral role in this operation for preventing the assassination attempt. That and he has top billing in the cast, so he can't be killed.

Morris: Great! I'll get Chloe on it when she comes back to life after the commercial break!

8:06:22, Jack wakes up inside a minivan with 9 strange people.

Jack: Who….are you?...Who? Who? Who? Who? I really wanna know!

Number 5: SHUT UP! (he kicks Jack)

Jack: OW! That stung….jerks!

Number 3: Keep your mouth shut and you won't be hurt.

Jack: Yea, like THAT ever works. THE TIME IS NOW 8:08:34. COMMERCIAL!!!!

-COMMERCIAL TIME…..AND WERE BACK!-

8:13:41, Jack is riding hostage in the minivan / Chloe is doing the jitterbug (She's alive!) / Morris is suspiciously drinking from a bottle marked 'NOT ALCOHOL' / Milo and Nadia are doing computer work.

Jack: So…where are you taking me?

Number 9 (on videophone): Boss, we captured the target. We are bringing him back to base.

Jack: Can I make a phone call? I promise I won't call CTU and give away my position, pwetty pwease? Wit wip cweam and a chehwy on twop?

Number: 9: Stop talking like that! It's giving me the cweeps….ugh! DAMN YOU!

Boss: YOU FOOLS! That's not him!

Number 9: HUH!?

Boss: You were supposed to capture O'BRIEN!!!!! NOT BAUER!!!

Jack: Oh no! Chloe!!!!

Boss: No…

Jack: Oh no! Conan!!!

Boss: NO DAMMIT!!!

Jack (deadpan): oh no, not Morris…

Boss: Yes! Now kill Bauer, and go back and get me Morris O'Brien!

Number 9: With pleasure! (He holds up a gun to Jack's forehead)

Suddenly the van careens off the side of a cliff.

Numbers 1-9: NOOOOO!!!!

Jack: Bye! (he makes his way to the back of the van and jumps out the backdoor with his parachute.)

Number 2: Hey, why wasn't he in restraints!? And where did he get that parachute!?…

The van crashes into the ground below, EXPLOSION, VAN GO BOOM!!!!!!

Jack lands safely on the ground and runs back toward the highway.

Jack: Gotta hitch me a ride to CTU, where the hell is my phone!?

8:20:03 AT CTU!!!!

Chloe is alive and well and walks into the women's restroom to find Audrey washing her face.

Chloe: um…Audrey?

Audrey: What is it Chloe?

Chloe: Um, didn't you need to talk to Jack about something. You stormed in here in last week's cliffhanger and demanded to talk to him, then you retreated to the bathroom.

Audrey: oh…right. I wish to talk to Jack.

Chloe: Great! Leeets go!

They begin to leave. A lunch lady runs in.

Lunch Lady Gretchen: I've just received news that Jack has been captured! It's Salisbury Steak Day by the way!

She runs out.

Chloe: We have a cafeteria?

Audrey: I don't care for Salisbury steak.

Chloe: I think it's time for a word from our sponsors at 8:24:22.

–COMMERCIAL…..COMMERCIAL…..WE NOW RETURN TO THE SHOW!-

8:29:09, Jack is riding passenger in a big truck / Chloe and Audrey are sharing bathroom secrets (hmm?) / Nadia and Bill are playing scrabble / Karen waves hello.

Karen: HI EVERYBODY!!!

Tom: This is bad, the president has been dead from a poisoned sausage biscuit for 30 minutes, and nobody has done anything.

Noah: The joint chiefs will be 'joining' in here shortly to announce my new presidency!

Tom: Ruh! Roh!

Suddenly, a well dressed man followed by the joint chiefs walk into the room.

Ronald: Good morning everyone, my name is Ronald Palmer, I will be the new commander and chief of this here country, and I will also be the president.

Noah: WHAT!?

Tom: WHO WHAT!?

Karen: RASPBERRIES!

Noah: This doesn't make sense, I'm the Vice President! If the president should be kidnapped, poisoned, impeached, blown up, shot down in an airplane, or nearly killed by Mandy by placing a poisonous sheet of wax paper in your hand at the end of Season 2, Vice President comes next!

Ronald: Well, it WAS pretty easy for me after all.

-FLASHBACK-

Ronald: Hi my name is Ronald Palmer; I would like to apply for the position of President of the United States!

Joint Chiefs: Palmer? Are you related to David Palmer?

Ronald: Why yes, I'm one of the long lost Palmer siblings.

Joint Chiefs: WOW! You're more than qualified then, welcome to the white house, MR. President.

Ronald: Excellent.

Karen: End of flashback.

Noah: WAIT! You're David's OTHER brother, that doesn't make any sense!

Ronald: Just because I wasn't mentioned before doesn't mean I don't exist. Was there any mention of Wayne in seasons 1 or 2, no. Any mention of Sandra seasons 1 – 5, not to my knowledge. So here I am, in this crazy wacky numberless season.

Noah: What a load!

Tom: Bizarre indeed…

Karen: Who wants skittles?

8:36:44 ON THE TRUCK!!!

Jack: I need to head to CTU.

Trucker: Sure.

Jack: Just turn here.

The truck zooms past the turning point.

Jack: um…you missed my turn.

Trucker: …

Jack: Hello! You missed my turn!

Trucker: Shut up! Man, I wish my pal Rick was here, he'd drug you up right before taking you out to an airfield to beat the crap out of you then pump you full of drugs to ease the pain then let you escape shortly before you got hit by a car then killed by a guy pretending to be your father in the emergency room!

Jack: Hey, you sound like you done this before, sweet. Oh, well, I don't have time to make friends, so I kill you now.

Jack stumbles up and breaks the Trucker's neck, the truck spins out of control and starts to flip over.

Jack: Bad idea! Bad idea!...

The truck does practically a 360 flip and lands on its side, sliding for almost half a mile until it stops in front of an abandoned warehouse.

Jack: Hmm. The plot thickens…finally! Well, while I'm trying to crawl out of this vehicle we'll go to commercial break at 8:43:54.

-INSERT 4 MINUTE 'SUBWAY' COMMERCIAL HERE-

8:48:11, Jack is brushing his hair, about to enter the warehouse. / Nadia storms out of the conference room / Chloe is poking her Salisbury steak with a fork / Ronald Palmer and Noah Daniels are arm wrestling.

Bill: What's your problem?

Nadia: Dammit, Bill! 'SHABOINKLE' is not a word!

Bill: Is too!

Milo: Another heated game of 'Scrabble' eh?

Nadia: Something like that, and aren't you supposed to be dead?!

Audrey (walks up): Okay, NOW I need to speak to Jack, where is he.

Bill: Earlier this morning Jack, as well as CTU, got an anonymous tip that the president will be assassinated at 4:00 today. Jack proceeded to head to the warehouse the call was placed from which is 20 miles south from here. We haven't heard from him since, we should probably see where he is.

Audrey: The Lunch Lady from the Cafeteria said he was captured.

Nadia and Bill look at each other.

Bill: We don't have a lunch lady, or a cafeteria.

Audrey: Hmm, I wonder where Chloe got her Salisbury Steak from then, oh well; I guess it's not important. Anyway, if Jack is captured we have to find him quickly before…

Milo (picking up the ringing telephone): Yeeees? Oh Hi Jack!

Audrey: Oh, never mind.

AT THE ABANDONED WAREHOUSE at 8:54:22

Jack: Okay, this could possibly be the place where the anonymous tip came from. I'm about to go in. (Kicks open the door).

Bill: Okay, Jack, tell us what you find. We'll send backup for some reason.

Jack peeks around the corner to see a chair sitting in the middle of a room. Jack slowly starts to advance toward the chair.

Split screen time at 8:57:34! Jack is approaching the chair / Nadia, Bill, Audrey, and Milo watch his progress on the big screen (how are they watching this) / Chloe is throwing up her Salisbury Steak / Morris just discovered the mysterious cafeteria / Ronald Palmer makes himself comfortable in the president's chair and Noah throws a temper tantrum on the floor / Karen and Tom exchange nervous looks.

Tom: Okay, Mr. President. I guess I should fill you in. CTU has received word that an attempt on your life will be made at 4:00 today.

Ronald: Really? I've haven't even been president for an hour!

Tom: Well, to kill the president in general. I guess they don't have to know you personally.

Ronald: Are you referring to the dead president that has been lying here on the floor in front of this desk for the past hour.

Karen: Oh yea, he's still there, isn't he?

Tom: Right…..um, okay I think 'his' was an accident.

Karen: A poisoned sausage biscuit?

Tom: Whatever. Mr. President, you will die at 4:00 today!

Ronald: No I won't.

Tom: Wha! Wha! WHAAAT?!

Ronald: I have a secret weapon.

Karen stuff a Twinkie in her mouth..

Tom: What…kind of secret weapon, sir?

Ronald chuckles to himself then turns around to look out the window. He then decides to pick up the phone.

Ronald (on phone): Yes, Send in my secret weapon!

Karen: It sure is amazing how people can time these thrilling moments right at the top of the hour!

Meanwhile.

Jack comes up to the chair and lays his hand on it, and spins it around!

Jack: THERE'S NO ONE IN IT!!!

Bill: What the AFLAC!?

Audrey: LOOK! THERE'S A NOTE ON THE CHAIR!!!

Jack (looks around): Are..are you watching my progress!?...never mind, oh yea. There is a note.

He picks it up.

Jack: IT'S BLANK!!!

Bill: Turn it over, Jack.

Jack turns the note around on the other side.

(NOTE READS): You're too late Jack. Soon, I will have your precious Kim!!!! DUHN! DUHN! DUUUUUUHN!!!! (It actually says that)

Jack: OH NO! Kim Basinger!

He looks back down at the note.

(NOTE READS): Uh…No…..

Jack: OH NO! Kim Catrall!

He looks down at the note again.

(NOTE READS): NO DAMMIT! YOU'RE DAUGHTER, KIM BAUER!!!

Jack (deadpan): oh, I should probably do something about that shouldn't I?

Audrey faints.

8:59:57

8:59:58

8:59:59

9:00:00

-NEXT TIME ON 24: HOUR 3-

Jack: Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!

-MEANWHILE-

Karen: I think the President is corrupt!

Tom: I think YOU'RE corrupt!

Karen: I know you are, but what am I?

-AND-

Girl: Hi! I'm here to apply for a job at CTU.

Bill: Sure, what is your name?

Girl: My name is 'Mole'….'Ima Mole'.

Bill: Well, that sure is a pretty name. You're hired!

Chloe slams her head on her desk.

-HMMM-

Nadia: Somebody laced the entire CTU complex with explosives!

Bill: Why do they keep getting away with that!?

CTU EXPLODES!!!

-DON'T FORGET-

Jack: Where's Princess Toadstool!?

Toad: I'm sorry Jack, but the terrorist is in another castle!

Jack: YOU SHROOMY BASTARD!!!

-SLAP!-

Jack: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!!?!?!

Toad: eek! Don't hurt me!

-I DOUBT THAT WILL HAPPEN, AND FINALLY-

Ronald: Jack, I have a job for you.

Jack: Anything for a 'Palmer', Mr. President. -wink-.

Tom: Jeepers Creepers!

-OH, I FORGOT-

Karen: We need an ambulance, The President has just been shot, I REPEAT! The president has just been shot!

Everyone: AGAIN!?

NEXT WEEK, ON AN ALL NEW 24!!!!!!