The 24 Parody Project
Episode 3
AT FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!! Who knows what the writers of the FOX hit show '24' are up to.
Fred walks into the break room to find Sam and Paul watching TV, engrossed in whatever program is on.
Sam: Man that sure was a good episode.
Fred: What are you guys watching?
Paul: It's America's hottest new reality tv show, The Amazing Racist!
Fred: What?! But 24's supposed to be on now! I hope a lot of people aren't watching this!
Paul: Are you kidding? Look outside.
Fred looks outside to a giant billboard that reads.
-7.5 Million viewers love 'The Amazing Racist', A Lot More Than '24'! That Smelly Show!-
Fred: ACK!!! How did this happen!? And who the hell would put that right in front of our office! How rude!
Paul: Face it, people love reality tv. It sucks, but people are drawn into it, like a car wreck.
Fred: Oh really? Well, I guess we have no choice but to fight fire with fire, and turn 24 into a Reality TV Series!
Paul: How the hell are you going to do that?!
-Filming-
Bill: Okay it's the elimination segment of Fox's new hit reality show, 'America's Next Top Agent'.
Nadia, Chloe, Audrey, Stinky Susie from Accounting, Lunch Lady Gretchen, and a 'Nina Meyers' blow up doll stand in front of the judges. Well, except for Nina, who's kinda just floating there.
Chloe (in the confessional, one on one with the camera): Ok, I was really confused about the America's Next Top Agent competition. I mean, it's stupid. Were on the verge of having an international crisis and now they want to hold this competitive challenge? Whatever, (takes a bite of her Salisbury Steak).
Bill: Okay, the first person we are going to cut is Stinky Susie.
Susie: EH?
Susie (In the confessional): That was a big steaming pile! We didn't even do anything. We just started the show and Bill automatically kicks me off. I just can't believe I lost to the 'Nina Meyers' blow up doll!
Bill: Yes, thanks for playing!
He pulls a rope sending Susie down a bottomless pit.
Susie: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Bill: Okay, for our next competition, you girls are going to pose in exotic pictures!
Photographer: All right Nadia, you will have your picture taken with this friendly cougar!
Nadia: With WHAT!?
Photographer: Now, lie on top of the desk.
Nadia does so. An animal expert brings in a cougar, which mounts Nadia.
Nadia: Um…excuse me? I'm really not liking this!
Nadia (In the confessional): Yea, I don't do well with animals. The cougar thing crossed the line! In fact, this whole competition is pointless!
Photographer: Now, Nadia, get closer to the cougar, as if you two were about to kiss, as if you were about to seductively whisper in his ear, "I want to Super Size It"!
Nadia: Help! The cougar ate my face!
Nadia's head was stuck in the cougar's mouth.
Photographer: ..uh ….too close.
Blip……blip……blip…..blipp….blipbliplbipblbilbplibpbliblpbilpbb……24!
Chloe (deadpan): Previously on last weeks non stop, thrilling, exciting, 'ooh I just wet myself', over the top episode of 24….
-CLIPS!!!!-
Karen: Cut the green wire!
Tom: I thought it was the red one!
Karen: No, according to Dr. Joyce Brothers, 'Red' means death, 'Green' means peace.
Tom: What a load! I'm cutting the red one.
Karen: It's our funerals.
Tom: It won't cut!
(Looks at his wire cutters)
Tom: Oh crap! These are 'Playskool' bomb diffusing wire cutters! These wont work, Dammit!
Karen: Smooth move, Ex Lax.
-AND…-
Jack: I'm going to break your neck now!
Snappity!
Trucker: Ow! That smarts.
Truck flips over.
Jack: AAIIIIEEEEEE!!!
-NEXT-
Chloe: What is this?!
Morris: It's a pair of 'Fruit Roll Up' underwear with 'Spongebob Squarepants' pull out shapes, dahling.
Chloe (starts taking a bite): Hmm. These aren't half bad.
Morris: Yea, the guy at the store gave me a discount because they were used.
Chloe: BLARGH!!! (Spits them out)
-THAT WAS DISTURBING, AND-
Audrey: What's on the menu today?
Gretchen: SALISBURY STEAK!!!
Audrey: Hmm, gross. Okay, anything else?
Gretchen: No, that's it.
Audrey: Well, that sucks!
-AND FINALLY-
Terrorist: Unless you give us the briefcase with the million in it, we will arm the nuke and blow up CTU! That is…if…someone hasn't already beaten us to it.
Jack: How about….5 dollars! So, Mr. Terrorist, deal….or no deal?
Terrorist: No deal, you dolt! I want my million dollars!
Jack: Oh come on, it's my last 5 dollars. I just got it when I pawned off my pair of fruit roll up underwear with 'Spongebob Squarepants' pull out shapes….dahling!
Terrorist: I hate my job.
Jack: The following takes place between 9:00am and 10:00am
Jack begins to leave the warehouse.
Jack: Well, that smells! Now I have to find this person who wrote the note. I better get the forensics team on this. Maybe they can lift some prints off the paper or something. If CSI can do it, we sure as hell should be able too.
Ha wads up the paper and stuffs it into his pocket, running out of the building.
9:03:22, Ronald Palmer is on the phone.
Ronald: Yes, the body of the previous president is still here and it's been well over an hour, and it's starting to smell like feet in here, I demand you bring the…corpse police or whoever you get to do this sort of thing, goodbye.
He hangs up, Tom walks back in.
Tom: Mr. President..
Karen runs in and stands next to Tom.
Karen: I'm here!
Tom: Since you didn't answer my question in last week's cliffhanger. I'll ask again. What is this secret weapon you were going to use against the terrorists?
Ronald: Oh, right.
He picks up the phone.
Ronald: Yes, send in my secret weapon.
Karen: Didn't he call them already in the last episode?
Tom: It's just to keep the viewers up to date since lately the 'Previously On 24' clips never make any sense!
Karen: Good point.
Suddenly, Sherry Palmer walks in, uh, what the?
Tom: GREAT CEASAR'S GHOST! It's Sherry Palmer!
Ronald: Indeed it is, I present to you, my secret weapon!
Karen: ZOINKS!
She jumps into Tom's arms, he drops her on the floor.
-THUD!-
Tom: Sherry Palmer is going to be America's last hope against the terrorists?! Don't make me laugh! Hmm, she's been in here for 10 seconds and hasn't started nagging our head's off, now I'm raising questions.
Karen: What's wrong with her?!
Tom: You stole my question!
Ronald: Well, she did die in season 3, but there is something you don't know about Sherry this time around.
Noah walks in.
Noah: Why is there a robot that looks like Sherry Palmer in here?
Ronald: ….ok she's a robot, surprise.
Tom: A robot?! And why Sherry Palmer? What's next, the Lynne Kresge robot?!
Ronald: Well, we did try that, but she still has a few bugs.
Out in the hall, two people are talking.
Bob: Can you believe this?
Adam: Yea, I hope CTU does something fast, I would hate to see the president get assassinated! The 2nd one today that is.
The Lynne Kresge robot walks by.
Lynne: WARNING! You. Are. Going. To. Assassinate. The. President!?
Adam: Uh, what? I didn't say that. I distinctively said…
Lynne: I. Must. Warn. The. President! I. Am. Going. To. Tell. On. You!
Lynne takes two steps before she trips and knocks herself over a railing, sending her straight down a stairwell.
-CRASH!- The Lynne Kresge bot explodes.
Adam: Oookay.
Ronald: That was a waste of 20 bucks. Anyhoo, lets get back to business.
Tom and Karen exchange nervous looks.
At CTU, 9:10:52, Chloe and Nadia are talking.
Nadia: Did you get anything from the voice on the phone?
Chloe: No, it was masked. I couldn't tell a thing.
Chloe picks up the ringing phone.
Chloe: Operator.
Jack: Chloe, I'm being chased by Agents! I need to get out of here, fast. I am looking at a very stylish 'Hello Kitty' tricycle, download me a program so I can know how to operate this thing.
Chloe: Jack, this isn't the Matrix! Now, quit fooling around and get up here so I can look at your crap.
Jack: Come on, Chloe, they're catching up to me. At lease get me to a phone so I can log out.
Chloe: Fine, there's a payphone 125 miles south of your location in an abandoned shopping mall that is now being guarded by all sorts of malicious gangs, thugs, murderers, and pedophiles. Have fun.
Jack: WHAT!? Fine, just 'pull the plug' then!
Chloe: But Jack….
Jack: Dammit Chloe, Just do it! I'm running out of time!
Chloe: Fine.
She gets up and walks over to a chair where Jack is sitting, she reaches behind him pulls out a metal plug (with a spike looking thing on the end) out of the back of his head. Jack immediately flops out of the chair and on to the floor, dead.
Chloe: Well, crap.
Nadia: Chloe! What did you do? You just killed Jack, he's the main character!
Chloe: You just answered your own question.
Nadia: This is unbelievable!
Chloe: Whatever, I was going to quit anyway.
She starts to walk out when a bomb goes off, sending her flying head first into a Xerox machine.
-WHAP!-
She slumps to the floor in a puddle of blood.
Nadia: Oh my god! Chloe!
She runs toward her before slipping on Chloe's blood puddle and falls head first into the same Xerox machine.
-WHAP!-
Nadia slumps to the floor next to Chloe, she's dead.
Bill: What the hell is going on out there!?
Bill runs out of his office on the second floor and trips over the railing, falling to his death.
-SPLAT!-
And right next to Morris who succumbed to Salisbury Steak poisoning. Milo just remembered he had a bullet in his head and drops to the floor.
Fred: WILL YOU STOP KILLING OFF EVERYBODY!??!?!
Paul: Oh fine.
Paul turns around to a giant clock and pushes the minute hand back a couple of minutes.
-AND SWOOSH!
At CTU, 9:10:52, Chloe and Nadia are talking.
Nadia: What are you doing?
Chloe: I don't remember. Jack, what's your status?
Jack: I just left the abandoned warehouse, and am noticing a very stylish 'Hello Kitty' tricycle; I think I'm going to take it.
He gets on and starts to peddle away before losing his balance and falling off the bike, hitting his head on the curb, he dies from the impact.
Chloe: Jack! Jack, are you dead? Hello, Jack?
Operator: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again. If you need help, try talking to an agent who isn't dead you moron!
Chloe: CRAP! (she hangs up)
Nadia: Chloe, I just saw what happened. And I've come to the conclusion that YOU are a mole working for the terrorists.
Chloe: WHAT!?
Nadia: Guards!
The red uniformed police come up to take Chloe to the 'Holding, Torturing, & Beyond' room.
Chloe gets free from the guards grip.
Chloe: You'll never catch me alive, coppers!
She starts to make a break for it when a bomb explodes, sending her flying head first into a Xerox machine.
-WHAP!-
Chloe: Urk!
She slumps to the floor in a puddle of blood, dead.
Milo: DAMMIT! I'm never going to get these flyers copied!!!
Fred: What did I just tell you!?
Paul: Heh, I had to do it one more time.
He turns around and pushes the minute hand back.
-AND SWOOSH-
Chloe: I don't remember. Jack, what's your status?
Jack: I just left the abandoned warehouse, and am noticing a very stylish 'Hello Kitty' tricycle; I think I'm going to take it.
He gets on and starts to peddle away before losing his balance and falling off the bike, hitting his head on the curb, he's NOT dead.
A mother and her child walk up to the unconscious Jack.
Child: Mommy! It's a Counter Terrorist agent! Can I keep him?
Mother: Well, okay sweetie. Let's just be sure to stop at the vet to get his shots, and neutered of course. We would hate to see what would happen if he procreated.
9:15:23, Meanwhile, let's see what Kim is up too, she is getting thrown in a prison cell.
Kim: Hey! You can't keep me here. I'll find a way out!
She pulls out a Pokeball.
Kim: Pikachu! I choose you!
She hurls the ball to the ground.
-WHACK!-
Kim: Uh….Pikachu?
She opens the ball and grimaces in disgust to the site of the bloody poke-mess.
Kim: Oh no! I broke it!
Meanwhile, at the White House.
Noah: And….action!
Tom: You never answered my question, what is the point of the Sherry-bot?
Ronald: She was specifically built to combat the forces of evil.
Karen (whispers to Tom): I thought that was what the 'Bauer-puff' girls were for.
Tom: What did I tell you about taking the 'Previously on 24' clips seriously?
Karen: Oh, right.
Ronald picks up an instruction booklet.
Noah: You don't know how she works?!
Ronald: Well of course not! I didn't build her.
Noah rolls his eyes.
Ronald: Okay, apparently she is more effective when using the voice recognition mechanism. (He flips a page)
Tom: So we just have to yell different crap in order for her to do stuff.
Ronald: -ahem-. 'Sherry, I don't care what you say, your opinion doesn't matter. I am going to go to the press about Keith killing Nicole's rapist regardless if it puts my presidency at risk'!
Sherry Bot: DESTROY!! DESTROY!!!
Ronald: Well that didn't work. RUN FOR IT!
Everyone bolts out of the oval office as Sherry lets loose a barrage of missiles from under her skirt.
Karen: Wait! I left my 'Hot Pocket' in there!
Tom: There's no time!!!!
-KA BOOOOM!!-
9:33:03, The white house crew look upon the smoldering oval office, Sherry emerges from the smoky carnage / Jack is in the back of the car, on his way to captivity / Bill, Nadia, Chloe, and Morris are in the middle of a heated game of 'Hungry Hungry Hippos' / Kim is carving a butterfly out of a bar of soap.
Terrorist: You shouldn't be wasting your soap like that, that's all you get. And I'm sure your rescuers are probably getting kidnapped, playing board games, or getting blown up by robotic replicas of previously dead characters, so you're going to be in here for a while.
Kim: Well, that sucks.
Meanwhile, a blue car speeds by.
Jack lifts his head up in the back seat, the mother is driving the car, and the child is in the front seat.
Jack: So, where are we headed?
Mother: We are going to give you a nice home.
Jack: Hmm, that sounds good and all. But I have a Presidential Assassination Plot to stop by this afternoon so I must be going.
He proceeds to scoot to the door to get out, the child hits the locks.
Child (turning around, in an evil raspy voice): You're not going anywhere!
Jack (shocked): ….why not?
Child: Because I am going to torture you.
Jack: Why?
Child: Because making people suffer is fun.
Jack: Why?
Child: Because I am a sociopath.
Jack: Why?
Child: Because the kids at school make fun of me.
Jack: Why?
Child: Because I have abnormally large ears.
Jack: Why?
Child: Because my mother drank immensely when she was pregnant with me.
Jack: Why?
Child: Because she was pregnant.
Jack: Why?
Child: Because the condom broke….Quit asking so many questions!
Jack: Sorry.
9:41:34, back at CTU, a car pulls up to the parking garage (and it's not the car with Jack in it. That would be careless). Hmm, oh what the hell, let's try it.
The car pulls up, and the mother gets out.
Child: Where….where are we?!
Mother: At CTU! I'm not going to let you boss me around anymore! You're an evil, spoiled, naughty child!
She turns to Jack.
Mother: Sir, it is told that you are the chosen one from the prophecy; you must slay my evil spawn!
Child: RAWR!!!!!
The child transforms into a giant three headed monster.
Jack: Screw that!
He gets out of the car and tries to make a run for it; the Child monster fires a beam at Jack, which sends him flying head first into a Xerox machine.
-WHAP!-
Jack slumps to the ground….dead.
Milo: Who the hell put my copy machine out here! You know what? Forget it, someone else can make flyers!
Pushing the minute hand back to 9:41:34, back at CTU, a car pulls up to the parking garage (and it's not the car with Jack in it. That would be careless). A woman steps out of the car and walks inside. She heads up to Bill Buchanan, who's standing there probably doing nothing.
Bill: Hello.
Girl: Hi, I'm here to apply for a position at CTU.
Bill: Sure, what is your name?
Girl: My name is 'Mole'…'Ima Mole'.
Bill: What do you think would make you a good employee here at the Counter Terrorist Unit?
Girl: I have a brilliant personality, and I am not a mole working for the terrorists.
Bill: Good enough for me, you're hired!
Chloe slams her head on her desk.
Ima: Okay, I'll go put my stuff in my locker. Have to find a place to store this bomb…er….I meant….shampoo.
Bill: Oh, ha ha! Those words sound just alike; I often get them confused myself. Run along now.
Chloe's jaw drops in shock, a bird flies in her mouth. –swoop!-
Chloe: PHLEH! (she spits out feathers).
She gets up and walks over to Bill.
Chloe: Are you nuts!? You just hired someone named 'IMA MOLE', and she just said she has a bomb.
Bill: Now Chloe, nobody like a tattle.
Chloe: GRR!!!
Meanwhile, at the White House.
Workers are still making their way through the rubble to repair the oval office.
Ronald: So, what do you think?
Tom: I think it's odd.
Noah: I think it blows.
Karen: I miss my 'Hot Pocket'.
Ronald: We don't need CTU; we have our new weapon of mass destruction right here.
Sherry bot: I. Do. Not. Understand.
Ronald: Oh right, hmm. Let's see…..
Tom: Sir, regardless, I do think we should still let CTU handle the presidential assassination attempt, just to be safe. I mean, Sherry does look like a real asset to have, but it seems, just too…..what's the word I'm looking for.
Karen: I agree with whatever Tom is talking about.
Tom: You're not helping. Anyway, I'm just saying, maybe we should leave Sherry to the side, while CTU deals with this. If you happen to get killed this afternoon, then we will consider sending Sherry to deal with the crisis situation. God, that left a bad taste in my mouth.
Ronald: You think so?
Tom: Yes.
Noah rolls his eyes.
Ronald: Okay, I'll have Sherry stand down for now. Okay, how to shut her off. –ahem- Sherry, I want you to be my wife again, though I am only saying this to stall you from going back to your house where Wayne is trying to find the evidence that proves you killed Alan Milliken.
Sherry Bot: DESTROY!!! DESTROY!!!
Noah: Ah hell!
Sherry bot bends down on one knee.
Tom: Hmm, this looks promising.
Karen: I can only think that…SHE'S GOING TO BLOW HERSELF UP! Run for the hills!
Sherry Bot: It. Has. Been. An. Honor. Serving. You.
Ronald: Uh, you weren't done. You haven't done anything yet.
Sherry bot holds out her hand, which turns into a gun. She shoots Ronald Palmer in the chest.
Ronald: Urk!
Noah/Tom/Karen: GASP!
Sherry reaches into Ronald's pants pocket and pulls out a computer chip. She inserts it into a slot on her forearm.
Sherrybot: Ah, that's better.
Karen: She can talk!
Tom: She could always talk, you airhead! Now she can talk more normally, wait, what's with that chip….?
Sherry: Silence! You all work for me now!
Noah: I swear, if I had a quarter for every time someone overlooked my Vice Presidency so they can hire someone else to be President, I'd be one rich son of a……
Sherry: I SAID SILENCE!!!
She fires a beam at the group, sending Noah, Tom, and Karen flying backwards into the wall.
-CRASH!-
Karen: OOF!
Tom: OW!
Noah: Uh, where the hell are the Secret Service?!
Karen: Yea, they sure are kinda sucking right now. Oh right. (She gets on her phone) Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance here at the White House. The President has just been shot, I repeat, the President has just been shot! Try to aim sometime within the next episode, were a little tied up at the moment.
The screen is splitting at 9:57:13, Tom, and Noah brush themselves off, Karen gets off the phone with the Paramedics / Sherry is tapping her fingers together menacingly / Ronald Palmer is lying dead, approximately 35 feet away from the President Callahan's dead body / Jack is tied up somewhere, pissed that he's been kidnapped twice in the course of 3 hours, the kid gets ready to start the torturing process / Ima Mole is unpacking her things / Chloe is spying on Ima, watching her though binoculars and hiding in a giant bush that's sitting in the middle of the floor, wherever that came from / Kim is dancing in the Terrorist Prison talent show.
Morris: Where did this giant bush come from?
Meanwhile, at the kid's house.
Child: I am going to torture you now!
Jack: I am immune to torture, do your worst!
Child: It's the entire DVD episode collection of 'Full House'.
Jack: Oh dear God, I'm done for.
Meanwhile,
Morris: Seriously, where did that bush come from?
Suddenly Audrey runs in.
Audrey: Something's happened, I had like, no lines this episode!
Everyone looks at each other.
Audrey: Oh, and Marilyn Bauer is lying on the ground outside.
Bill and Morris run outside to find Marilyn.
Marilyn: I…-cough-….managed….to…escape…….-hack-
Milo: Oh yea, I forgot she was captured too.
And lastly, at the White House.
Sherry: We will meet again soon…..Jack Bauer!
Oh, and finally, BACK at CTU.
Ima (on the phone): Hello?…….yes……(she looks around)…..I'm in.
9:59:57
9:59:58
9:59:59
10:00:00
NEXT WEEK, ON AN ALL NEW MAMA'S FAMILY….I mean….24!!!!!
-SWOOSH-
Chloe (with a guitar, singing): Smelly Cat! Smelllly Cat! What have they been feeding you?
Bill: Get off the stage! You suck!
He throws a tomato and it splats in her face.
-SWOOSHING AGAIN-
Jack rides up on his bicycle and squeaks the horn.
Jack: OH, MR. WILSON!!!!!
Mr. Wilson walks outside.
Mr. Wilson: That Jack Bauer is such a menace.
Jack slams Mr. Wilson up against the wall.
Jack: WHERE'S MY DAUGHTER!? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!? WHERE ARE THE NUKES!?! IF I WAS A VEGETABLE, WHICH ONE WOULD I BE!? TELL ME, DAMMIT!!!
-AND-
Audrey: Kim, you wait here in the car, I'm going to walk around outside like a ninny.
She gets out of the car, and walks about.
Kim: Ooh, I love this song.
She reaches over to turn up the radio but accidentally knocks the car in 'drive', the car rolls forward and off the side of a cliff.
Audrey: Oh no! What have I done?! I can feel myself getting amnesia….wait. Why the hell would I get amnesia from this? Oh well, I guess I should probably go…
A rock comes flying out of nowhere and bonks Audrey in the head.
-bonk!-
Audrey: Oh! Now I have amnesia.
-AND-
Nadia: So, Milo. Are you going to take me to the school dance?
Milo: Sorry Nadia, I already asked Karen.
Nadia: What say what now?!
Karen: You snooze you lose, tasty cakes! Let's go, hot stuff!
She and Milo walk off together.
Nadia: Oh my god, kill me off already!
-AND FINALLY-
Kim: Hello, I'm the new PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
Noah, Tom, and Karen stand there with their jaws dropped in shock. A bird flies in Karen's mouth.
Karen: PUPHLEH!!! (bird feathers)
A BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT…WHATEVER DAY IT GETS POSTED.