The 24 Parody Project
Episode 4
AT FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!
Paul: Ah hell. I asked for Pepperoni, they gave me Canadian Bacon!
WELL, NOTHING IMPORTANT GOING ON THERE. LET'S GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
Tony (well, 'Carlos Bernard' is you want to get technical) is in his kitchen making a fresh batch of 'Jiffy Pop'.
Tony (singing to himself): Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me, don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me, don't cha…
The doorbell rings, thank god.
Tony walks out of the kitchen to go answer the door.
Tony: Oh, hi Michelle, this is so unexpected!
Michelle: Carlos, you invited me. And were not on '24' anymore, my real name is Reiko.
Tony: Come on in, Michelle.
Michelle: ugh.
She walks in the sits down at the couch.
Michelle: So, what's for dinner?
Tony: Jiffy Pop.
Michelle: Oh, how pleasant…
Tony: Yea, I haven't been able to catch any of the episodes from this season of 24.
Michelle: Yea, all I heard was that they killed off 2 presidents in the course of 3 hours.
Tony: That's our '24'!
Michelle turns on the TV as a news program shows up.
(On the TV)
Karen: I'm Karen Hayes.
Tom: And I'm Tom Lennox.
Karen: And you're watching CTU News!
Tom: With local weather girl Chloe O'Brien.
Chloe: There's going to be a cold front moving in this afternoon with breezy skies.
She pulls out her umbrella.
Chloe: With a 95 chance of rain!
Tom throws a bucket of water in Chloe's face.
-SPLASH!-
Chloe: -cough- pteh! IT'S SO COLD!!!!
Karen: Our top story for today. '24' is celebrating making it to the 4th episode this season. We go live to reporter Kimberly Bauer to the cast party. Kim?
Kim: Thanks Sharon.
Karen: GRR!
Kim: Kim Bauer here at the 24 cast party where we are celebrating making it to the 4th episode. I'm here with previously dead characters Milo Pressman and Sherry Palmer. They seem to be excited to be alive again, not like those smelly characters Tony and Michelle!
Michelle: WHAT!?
Tony's kitchen explodes. –KABOOM!-
Tony: Oh no! My Jiffy Pop!
Milo: Hi peeps!
Sherry: Good evening, worthless humans!
Kim: So Milo, why did you come back from the dead?
Milo: Well, I was shot in the face last season, but now I'm here but technically still dead, you can pretty much say I'm a zombie.
Kim: Uh oh. Don't eat me. Ha ha ha!
Milo: I wasn't going to. I'm sure you taste horrible!
Kim: That was rude. Now Sherry, you used to be a robot. Why are you human now?
Sherry: Well, the producers called me up and explained that having the robot play the part of Sherry was more expensive then actually using the actor. So I'll be human from this episode on.
Kim: Neat. Back to you Karen!
Karen: Wow, what an incredibly boring segment. Now, we go to Jack Bauer in the sky, in the CTU News Helicopter for the traffic report. Jack?
Michelle: I can't believe this.
Jack: Thanks Karen, traffic is backed up all the way to the corner of 57th and…hey! Michelle! What are you doing with that remote?! Don't turn me off, you hussy! HEY!!!...
-Click!-
Michelle: This is an outrage!
Tony comes in tearing over his ruined Jiffy Pop.
Tony (sobbing): I know….it's sooo sad!!!
Michelle: I'm not talking about your stupid popcorn! They put Milo and Sherry back on the show and completely shafted us! We were more important to the plot than they were!
Tony: Soo….that means….what?
Michelle: Pack your bags, Tony. We're going to the FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!
Tony: Well, it's right across the street. So we shouldn't have far to walk. (He points out the window to the giant building on the other side.)
Michelle: Well, that's convenient.
NOW AT FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!
Michelle and Tony walk up to the front desk.
Michelle: Hello, I am…uh,…Shasta Mcnasty and this is my male companion, Johnny Bravo. We need to speak with the writers at once!
Secretary: Uh, sure. (She gets on the speaker) Sir, Carlos and Rieko are here to beg for their jobs back.
Michelle: I never did like you.
Tony and Michelle burst in through the writer's room.
Fred: Oh, hello. What brings you two here today?
Tony: Stop the smooth talk, buster!
Fred: Uh, okay?
Michelle: We demand you put us back into the show! Or else!
Fred: Or else what?
Michele: Or else uh….uh….or the bear gets it!
Michele holds up a 'Teddy Ruxpin' doll with a stiletto knife up to its throat.
Paul: NO! NOT TEDDY!
Fred: Oh fine, we'll put you back in.
Michelle: Really? Wow, that was easy.
She tosses Teddy Ruxpin out the window.
Paul: NOOOOOOOOO! –splat-
Fred: But where can we fit you in the storyline?
Sam hops out of his chair and goes to a nearby closet and pulls out a giant spinning wheel.
Sam: Ladies & Gentlemen! I present to you, 'The Wheel Of Abnormal Plot Twists'!
Fred: Uh, excuse me?
Sam: We will spin the wheel, and the fate of Tony and Michelle will be decided.
Fred: It's almost lunch time, can we speed this up?
Sam: Okay, for Michelle.
He spins the wheel. It spins………and spins…….spinning…….still spinning……..
Tony: And spinning…..
Fred: Will you stop the wheel already!?
Sam stops the wheel, which landed on 'Kim Bauer's Fairy Godmother'.
Michelle: What?!
Fred: I should kill you now for even putting that on there.
Tony: OOH! Do me next!
Sam spins the wheel. It lands on 'Stabbed by Christopher Henderson with a syringe'.
Tony: Sweet!
Michelle: Spin the wheel again…
Sam spins the wheel again, it spins before landing on 'Manager Of Weiner Schnitzel On A Stick'.
Tony: Super sweet!
Fred: ugh…..okay, let's start the show.
Michelle: Finally!
Tony: Roll that beautiful bean footage!
Plink……plink…….plink…….plink……plinkplinkplinknlplinkilpnklpkpiknpiknpkpliki…….24!!!
Bill: PREVIOUSLY!
Chloe: ON!
Jack: 24! (Pulls out pompoms) …GIVE ME A 2!
Bill: Jack, we've already started on last week's clips.
Jack: Aw, poo!
-SWOOSH!-
(Oh, and charters with (THEIR NAME IN THE BOX LIKE THIS) during the recaps get their own personal intro square. Keepin it real, yall)
Bill and Jack play football in the backyard.
Bill: Okay, ready?
Jack: Ready.
Bill: Go long!
Bill runs to the end of the backyard and throws the football to Jack, he misses the catch and the ball whizzes past him.
Audrey walks out into the backyard.
Audrey: Hey, guys! Dinner's ready….(the ball smacks her in the face)
-WHAP!-
Audrey: OW! MY NOSE! (AUDREY RAINES)
-I DON'T RECALL THAT HAPPENING-
Tom: Karen stole the cookies from the cookie jar! (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)
Karen: Who me?
Tom: Yes you.
Karen: Couldn't be.
Tom: Then who?
Noah: I've officially lost all hope for this country. (VICE PRESIDENT NOAH DANIELS)
-AND-
Jack: If this bus goes any slower than 50 miles an hour, the bomb will go off, and we will all die! (JACK BAUER)
Nadia: Fine, let me stop for some gas. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
Jack: Okay…oh crap!
-BOOM!!!!-
-AND FINALLY-
Audrey walks out into the backyard.
Audrey: Hey guys, dinner's ready…
-WHAP!-
Audrey: OW! MY NOSE!
-YOU ALREADY PLAYED THAT CLIP, DAMMIT! NOW, AND FINALLY-
Jack: Chloe, throw me my jacket. I have to save Kim and stop this assassination attempt on the President!
Chloe: Go long!
Chloe throws a football, and it whizzes past Jack.
Audrey (coming out of the bathroom): Hey guys, Dinner's ready!
-WHAP!-
Audrey: OW! MY NOSE!
-WILL YOU PLAY THE STUPID SHOW ALREADY?!-
Audrey: The following takes place between 10:00am and 11:00am. (A football comes out of nowhere and smacks her in the face).
-WHAP!-
Audrey: OW! DAMMIT! THAT'S IT!!!!
Jack: Oh crap, she's pissed, run for your lives!
Deep within the evil, dark depths in the evil kid's basement…..that's evil.
Evil Kid (on a cell phone): Yes, everything is going smoothly. He hasn't cracked though.
Jack is in the fetal position, rocking back and forth; slowly going insane with the 'Full House' theme song running through his head non stop.
Jack (slightly singing): …everywhere you look….everywhere you go…..there's a heart…..a hand to hold onto…..
Voice on phone: It sounds like you overdid it with the 'Full House' marathon.
Evil Kid: We didn't even get through one episode! He went mental before the opening credits ended.
Voice: Bring him to me when you're finished with him.
Evil Kid: Okay, I have to finish my homework first.
He hangs up the phone.
Evil Kid: Okay, Jack. Are you ready to give me the information I need?
Jack: NEVER!
Evil Kid: That's it! I'm putting in 'Blossom'!
Jack: Crap….
10:04:23, AT CTU!
Marilyn Bauer is lying on the ground outside where Audrey found her in last week's episode. A blue van pulls up and 2 terrorists hop out and grab her, they throw Tony out on the ground in her place.
Marilyn: What!? You're kidnapping me again!? I just got out!
Terrorist Bob: This guy is getting on my nerves! He keeps wanting to sell me his wiener schnitzel!
Tony: …on a stick!
Marilyn: Nooooo!
The van drives off as Audrey, Milo, Bill, and Nadia run outside.
Audrey: What the hell!?
Bill: Audrey, I thought you said Marilyn was out here, it's just Tony.
Nadia: Why would they bring back a cast member who died already, that's just tacky…
Suddenly a big muscled man walks up.
Man: I have a complaint. Jack Bauer promised to protect my kitty cat, 'Mr. Fuzzywumpkins' from the terrorists, and they got a hold of him!
He holds up a completely shaven Mr. Fuzzywumpkins.
Man: And to think he gave me his word.
Bill: That don't mean crap!
Man: This travesty is inexcusable! Who is the director of CTU?
Bill and Nadia (pointing to Milo): HIM!!!
They run like hell back inside. The man beats the crap out of Milo.
Milo: OW! OOF! OUCH!!!!
Meanwhile, Chloe is walking down the hall when she overhears Ima talking on the phone in a suspicious foreign language. She hides behind a potted plant.
Ima (on the phone): Wocka! Wocka loogey mooshananana low key mah san!...Key…..moo goo gai pan…..tokana chili con queso el BOMB!
Chloe: What the butter is she talking about? Wait, she just said 'bomb'! That can't be good.
Ima laughs maliciously then hangs up the phone before walking away.
Chloe: She's acting way too suspicious. I must go tell Bill. But wait, he's not very good at keeping things discreet.
-FLASHBACK-
Bill and some security walk up to (the new intern) Yura's desk.
Bill: Yura Mole, we're placing you under arrest!
Yura: What? Why?
Bill: We've received an anonymous tip that you are a mole from CHLOE O'BRIEN. (He points, shouting). RIGHT OVER THERE! SEE?! HEY CHLOE! YOU'RE STILL GETTING OFF WORK AT 5 O CLOCK! RIGHT!?
Yura: Grr….(he sharpens his sword)
Chloe groans and sinks down underneath her desk.
-END OF FLASHBACK-
Chloe: Yea, that memory blew! Well, maybe it is just my imagination…
A smaller version of Chloe pops up on her right shoulder.
Angel Chloe: Chloe, you must go tell Bill, and stop Ima!
Chloe: Who the hell are you!?
Angel Chloe: I'm your conscience! Now Chloe, you must warn the others. Ima is up to something bad, I can feel it! Only you can save your friends, and CTU!
Chloe: Your right!
Then a darker version of Chloe popped up on her left shoulder.
Devil Chloe: Chloe, you fool! What would Bill think if you were ratting out his newest recruit; as if he would believe you. Besides, it's Bill. All he does is sit in his office all day watching 'Reading Rainbow'!
Chloe: Also a good point.
Angel: But your friends! Chloe!
Chloe: Your right! I must save my friends!
Devil: They're not your friends! I actually overheard Audrey telling Nadia that you're nothing but a turd faced pimple on the butt of society who will never amount to anything!
Chloe: She said that?!
Devil: She even put it on her 'myspace'.
Chloe: That bitch!
Angel: SHUT YOUR FACE! Audrey didn't say any of that!
Devil: Quiet, you!
Angel and Devil Chloe start beating the crap out of each other.
Chloe: ACK! Quit it! You're messing up my hair!
She starts slapping herself.-slap- -slap- -slap-
Morris stops in the middle of the hall to witness Chloe freaking out and slapping herself, he turns around and walks away.
10:11:23 In the nasty terrorist prison. Kim is sitting in the corner of her cell.
Kim: Being kidnapped sucks. I'm going to cry now!
Suddenly, a pink sphere materializes in the room and starts to float down, landing in front of Kim.
Kim: What the? Michelle, is that you?
Michelle is inside the pink ball, wearing a giant pink dress, a huge pink crown, and holding a big ass star wand in her hand.
Michelle: Kimberly. I am Michelle, the Wicked Witch of The North…West! I am here to grant you a wish, to make your dream come true!
Kim: There are so many things wrong with that sentence.
Michelle: Now go Kim, make your wish and I your fairy godmother will….how the hell do I get out of this thing?
She feels around the inner wall of the giant pink sphere.
Kim: Well, you know. Being held hostage in this nasty prison made me realize how much I would like to be president!
Michelle: Help! I'm trapped in this stupid ball! I can't breathe……urk!
She slumps down the side of the ball and suffocates.
Kim: Well, that was pointless…
Meanwhile…
Fred: Kim Bauer as president?! Are you nuts!?
Paul: Well, she wanted to do it. And it fits with the 'Michelle as her fairy godmother' side plot.
Fred: You have got to be kidding me! It would be less harmful to the country just to blow it up!
Paul: Just run with it, it'll be over by the top of the hour.
Fred: Well, that's convenient.
And…action!
Michelle: Okay, I'm back. Now let's see, we need to get you to the White House. I'll turn this maggot infested rotten watermelon into a carriage. Now I need something to turn into the horses to pull the carriage.
Talking Mice: We'll do it!
Michelle: Excellent.
Kim: Uh, Michelle. Are you referring to the White House that's on the other side of the country?
Michelle: Oh, well forget that then. Okay I'll just poof you out. (she waves her big ass star wand) Bibbidi, Bobbidi, Boo!
-POOF-
Kim: ooooh. Where am I.
Kim looks over at a sign that reads 'Welcome To Sunnydale, Home Of The Hellmouth'.
Kim: Uh, this doesn't look right.
A man with glasses runs up to Kim.
Giles: Now, Buffy. This vampire is one of the most evilest of all the land. You must drive this wooden stake into its heart to vanquish the beast. Ready?
Kim: READY!
Giles: GO!
Kim plunges the stake into Giles' chest. –shoink-
Giles: Urk! (He falls to the floor)
Kim: Oops! Butterfingers!
Cordelia: Buffy, you dumbass! You just killed Giles! He's the smartest one on the show!
Kim: Uh, my bad! MICHELLE!!!!!!
Kim poofs out
-POOF-
Kim is in a storage room. Jack walks in.
Kim: Daddy!
Jack: Sorry, there's no time for that now.
Kim: What are you talking about?
Jack: Listen Claudia, I know that I've been addicted to heroine because I've been dealing with the Salazar brothers prior to the events in Season 3, and I know that I ditched you last time when I left, but the truth is..I love you.
Kim: Uh, what?
Jack: Thanks for helping Chase escape, by the way.
Kim: WHAT!?
Jack: Your boyfriend Hector is insane. You must escape with your father and annoying child, and try not to get shot.
Kim: My head hurts.
Jack: Okay, one kiss for the road, I'm going to use tongue!
Kim: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!! MICHELLE!!!
-POOF-
10:23:14, AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Tom: About time we got some screen time.
Karen: Word to your mother.
Sherry walks in.
Tom: ACK! You're no longer robot woman!
Sherry: That's right! And now for my first command as the new human president of the United States…
The chandelier suddenly detaches from the ceiling and crushes Sherry to death.
-CRASH!-
Tom: That was fast.
Tom: The president is dead….and it hasn't even been 5 minutes. And yet the bodies of the previous 2 presidents are still here….-sigh-
Noah bolts out of the room to get the joint chiefs.
Karen: Ooh, she's dead! I call her 'Bagel Bites'. (She picks up a plate on the desk, and digs in.)
Back at CTU at 10:26:59, Ima Mole is walking down a hallway and into her room. She walks past her bed and sits down at her mirror and begins to brush her hair. Chloe is hiding under the bed.
Chloe: Okay, her weird telephone conversation isn't good enough proof to turn her in, I need more concrete evidence.
She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a tape recorder.
Chloe (to tape recorder): Okay, the time is 10:27, I am in phase one of 'Operation Ima Mole Is a Mole and everybody here is too stupid to notice!'. Okay, for starters….where the hell did this bedroom come from?! I never got my own bedroom.
Ima: What was that?
Chloe: Nothing!
Ima: Oh okay. (She goes back to brushing).
Chloe: Ok, I couldn't find anything under her bed.
She looks to her side to see a large amount of explosives.
Chloe: GASP! (her jaw drops as a bird walks under the bed and up to her, she clamps her hand over her mouth and smacks the bird away from her.
Ima: I better get some sleep.
Chloe (to herself): Good, while she's asleep I can sneak out of here and warn the others.
Then, Big Bertha from 'Accounting' walks in.
Bertha: Hi Ima!
Ima: Hey, Big Bertha. Thanks for letting me use your mirror in your room.
Chloe: uh oh.
Bertha: No problem, I'm going to go to bed now.
-PLOP!-
She jumps on her bed, the bottom of the mattress sinks down on Chloe, squishing her to the floor. She tries to wiggle to get unstuck but accidentally arms the explosives.
Explosives: Timer has been activated!
Chloe: Crap a duck!
Explosives: Detonation will commence in…..what time is it?
Chloe: About 10:30.
Explosive: Detonation will commence in 30 minutes.
Chloe: ugh….
10:30:12, Jack is being forced to eat lunch with the kid and his mother / Chloe is stuck under Bertha's bed / Marilyn is riding in the Terrorist Van / 2 terrorists are baffled on how Kim disappeared / Tony is setting up a 'CTU Gift Shop'.
Mother: Eat your vegetables, Billy's hostage.
Jack: No, vegetables stink!...Your name's Billy?!
Billy: Thanks for giving my identity away, mom!
Meanwhile.
Noah and the joint chiefs are running down the hallway.
Noah bursts through the doors.
Noah: Now hurry up and do your thing before another Palmer sibling shows up!
Joint Chief Bob: Okay, by act of the 25th amendment, I now pronounce you 'PRESIDENT….Noah Daniels'.
Tom: Gasp!
Karen: Gasper!
Noah: Yes, I am FINALLY president!
Joint Chief Bob: Now, Mr. President, the cameras are rolling. Would you like to make a speech to the American Public regarding the crisis situation, whatever that is.
Noah: With pleasure!
Noah walks over to a podium that came out of nowhere and adjusts the microphone.
Noah: My fellow Americans…..
Suddenly the podium explodes, and Noah goes flying.
-BOOM!-
Karen: Oh no! My podium! It's ruined!
Tom: You have got to be kidding me…
Karen starts to get on the phone with the ambulance, then suddenly, Kim appears out of nowhere.
Kim: Hi everybody!
Tom: WHAT THE CRAP!?
Kim: Don't worry….I will be president! And for my first order: Karen, I hereby promote you to the position of 'Supreme Girlfriend!'.
Karen: Sweet!
Kim: And Tom, this shirt doesn't fit me, take it back to 'Old Navy' and get me my refund.
Tom: This is the high point of my career.
Kim: Being president rules!
Michelle: Another satisfied customer.
The Fairy Elder Gods: You have done well Michelle!
Michelle: Thanks! Do I get a promotion now?
Elder Gods: Well, no. You're pretty much going to be stripped of your powers and thrown in the terrorist prison with Marilyn Bauer.
Michelle: WHAT!?
She poofs out. –POOF-
10:35:22, At CTU
Nadia walks over to Morris' computer.
Nadia: We haven't heard anything from Jack in quite some time.
Morris: Well, dahling, what do you suggest?
Nadia: ….Google him.
Morris pulls up 'Google' and types in 'Jack Bauer'.
Morris: He's being held hostage in some psycho kid's basement and being forced to watch endless episodes of 'Full House' as a torture method in order for him to leak information on how to compromise CTU's security system.
Nadia: It says all that?
Morris: It sure does. (He quickly hides his copy of the script as Nadia looks away, cheater!)
Nadia: Chloe, I need you down here…..uh, Chloe? Where the hell is she!?
Still under Big Bertha's bed, that's where.
Chloe: I can't believe you don't like 'Harry Potter'.
Bomb: I just can't get into it.
Chloe: The books are awesome, and the movies are really well done too, even though they left some crap out. How can you not like it?
Bomb: It's just…unrealistic.
Chloe: Uh, duh. It's fiction. God, you're a boring bomb. How much time left?
Bomb: About 20 minutes.
Chloe: Man…I wish she'd wake up already, this mattress is crushing me.
Bomb: Tell me about it, if she rolls over the wrong way it could set me off at any second.
Chloe (rolls her eyes): Oh how lovely!
Bill comes down the stairs.
Nadia: Bill, I can't find Chloe.
Bill: Nadia, I can't find my doughnuts.
Nadia: Jack is being held captive by some insane child. I think we should get an away team put together so we can rescue him.
Bill: Really? Okay, we better get an away team put together, so we can rescue Jack.
Nadia: I just said that!
Morris: Great idea Bill!
Nadia: It was my idea, dammit!
Milo: Yea, Bill! You're the man!
Tony: Three cheers for Bill Buchanan and his awesome idea!
Everyone: Huzzah!
Nadia: Bastards…
10:43:04, Jack is still in the basement / Morris goes to prep his team / Kim is looking out the White House window / Marilyn gets thrown in the terrorist prison, Michelle poofs in next to her, the terrorists shrug and walk away / Tom is standing in the line at 'Old Navy'
Billy (The evil kid): Now tell me what I need to know!
Jack: What was that?
Billy: I want to know the 5-digit secret access code to completely shut down all of CTU's technology and security systems. Why you would have something like that is pretty stupid, but what bad guy would I be if I didn't take advantage of it?
Jack: A sucky one?
Billy: Quiet! Now, tell me or your friends will die!
Jack: My friends are alive?
Billy: Yes.
Jack: Oh…yay!
Billy: But they will be killed…again.
Jack: Oh…poo…oh well, I don't care. I'll just pretend they were dead.
Billy: You wouldn't have to pretend, they would be dead. Because I would kill them.
Jack: No they're about to be dead, I would just have to pretend from now on as if they never came back to life.
Billy: You're not making any sense! Forget it, I'll just have to do something else.
Billy: Hmm…Yes! Okay, Jack. Give me the code or (he holds up a doll), 'Strawberry Shortcake' gets it!
Jack: NOT THAT! Her hair smells like fresh strawberries! Okay, okay. I can only go so far. The code is….11111.
Billy: That's it?!
Jack: Yes.
Billy: Works for me. (He gets on the phone).
Back at CTU, Ima answers her cell phone.
Ima: Yes?
Billy: Ima, it's me. The code is '11111'.
Ima: That's it!? Wow, that was careless of them. Okay, I'll put in the code and deactivate their security systems long enough for Bertha to plant the bomb that is hiding under her bed!
Billy: Excellent, were counting on you, Ima Mole.
Ima hangs up and walks into Bertha's room.
Ima: Bertha, I got the shutdown code. Get ready to plant the bomb.
Bertha: Right, boss!
Chloe: This is awful! And I can't believe I heard that entire conversation while being trapped under this bed.
Bomb: You would think after so many moles, they would learn not to have such incriminating conversations in a place where the walls are paper thin!
Chloe: What am I going to do?!
The screen starts to shrink down at…
Chloe: Uh, hello? There's still like, 15 minutes left in the show!
Oh sorry, the screen grows back to its original size.
Chloe: Geez.
At Psycho's.
Jack: There's a mole! Wait, they hired someone named 'Ima Mole'!?
Billy: Yes.
Jack: That was careless of them.
Meanwhile, At Old Navy.
Tom: What do you mean 'I have to have my receipt or no refund'!?
Clerk: Uh, it doesn't get any clearer than that. Besides, store policy.
Tom: This is for President Kimberly Bauer! God, that left a bad taste in my mouth!
Clerk: Oh my god……somebody actually made her president!?
Tom: Don't ask.
At CTU.
Bill: Okay team, Jack is gone so Morris will lead you into the rescue mission.
Morris: That's me!
Bill: And he's not a field agent. But Milo is supposed to be dead, Jack is missing, and god only knows why Doyle hasn't been introduced to the plot yet.
Morris: But who is going to take my place while I'm gone?
Bill: Our newest recruit, Ima, will take over from here. She better be careful though, since disabling CTU security system is only 5 button clicks away!
Chloe (in the distance): Noooooooooo!
Milo: What was that?
Bill: Damn, those ferrets are in the vents again. (He gets on a speaker) Security, release the Ferret Exterminatory Toxin into the air ventilation system.
Nadia: Uh, Bill..?
Morris: Let's go, dahlings!
They march off.
10:52:22, at the White House.
Kim: What do you mean, 'They wouldn't take the shirt back because I didn't have a receipt, and now they're laughing at the fact that I'm president?'
Tom: It doesn't get any clearer than that.
Karen: How did you get back here sofast? (She looks out the window), oh there's an 'Old Navy' next to the White House! Who knew?
Kim: I won't stand for this. This country won't stand for this!
Tom: Uh….
Kim picks up the phone.
Kim: Get me the Super Secret Service General!...yes…..General, get your men ready. For I, the president, am initiating an air assault on 'Old Navy'.
Tom: Oh, Christ….(he slaps his forehead)
Karen (on the phone): Anybody want anything from 'Pizza Palace'?
Meanwhile, under Bertha's bed.
Chloe: Am I dead?
Bomb: No, you're still kicking.
Chloe: I've been under this bed forever.
Bomb: You better do something fast, there's only 7 minutes left.
Chloe: Crap….
She scurries out from under the bed.
Bertha: HEY! What are you doing here!
Chloe: Uh….
Chloe grabs the bomb from under the bed and whacks Bertha upside the head with it.
-KA WHACK!-
Bomb: That wasn't smart, now I can go off at any second!
Chloe: Well, pop tarts! That sucks!
Ima is at the computer.
Ima: Let's see. Main Menu…..Tools…….CTU Inconvenient 5 minute Security System Shutdown Program….here we go. Password….11111…..and….-click-
Suddenly the lights go off as well as the computers.
Bill: Well, this isn't good.
Milo: Now what?
Back in Bertha's room.
Chloe: There, I feel better….whoa….not anymore, I feel woozy. ACK! What's that green cloud coming out of the air vent?!
Bomb: That looks like Ferret Killing Gaseous Fumes.
Chloe: Oh, that's a relief…
Bomb: Uh, it's harmful for human inhalation too.
Chloe gasps in shock.
Bomb: That's not helping!
Chloe exhales and bolts out of the room.
The screen shrinks down at 10:55:28, Chloe is running down the hall / Jack is still sitting in the basement, wishing he had a better part in this episode / Michelle is sitting the terrorist prison with Marilyn, who is carving pictures of her and Jack into the wall…creepy / Ima is grinning with confidence as people run around in panic / Kim is staring out the window of the white house again, someone tells her that the fighter pilot is on the phone for her / Karen is painting a picture of Tom lying seductively on the couch…-shudder- / Noah is still in surgery / Morris is in a van with the rescue team / Audrey is in Tony's gift shop looking around.
Audrey: How much is this Jack Bauer Talking Doll?
Tony: $49.95!
Audrey: WHAT!? That's a rip-off!
She pulls the string.
Jack: Won't you come to my tea party?! I'm going to serve a nice big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
Audrey: That's not even his voice!
Tony: It actually is…
Audrey: Eeww…(she drops the doll on the floor) –crack-
On the floor in the main hall, Bill, Nadia, and Milo are sitting in a circle holding hands.
Bill (singing, playing the guitar): Kum-ba-ya…my lord……kum-ba-ya……I dooont knooow the rest of the sooong…
Nadia: Bill, you suck at this!
Bill: Fine, your turn, Milo. (He hands him the guitar).
Milo: Yay. –ahem- (He starts singing) Clowns never laughed before…Beanstalks never…
Chloe: GUYS! PROBLEM!!!
Milo: Shut your face, you troll! I'm trying to sing!
Chloe: Milo, you ass hat! Nobody wants to hear you sing! Anyway, I have to warn you that there's a…..(she passes out, must have been those Ferret Fumes).
Bomb: I told her not to breathe, but did she listen…no! Oh, time for me to go boom.
The bomb explodes and CTU starts to shake violently and explosions are heard everywhere.
Bill (running while dodging falling debris): We'll be right back…..after a commercial break from……Church's Chicken…ACK!!!
-KABOOM!-
At Billy's house.
Billy: I'm out of time. I'm going to kill you now!
Jack: It's a little thing called a 'contract' my friend. I'm not going anywhere…
Suddenly Morris and the rescue team bust in, one of the group members pounces on Billy and arrests him.
Billy: Hey I'm only 7, you can't arrest me!
Morris unties Jack.
Morris: You okay, dahling?
Jack: Yea, but how is Danny Tanner going to take Stephanie to school, he has to be at work in 5 minutes. I don't trust Joey though, I think him and Jesse are pushing drugs on the side, if you know what I mean!
Morris: Riiiiight, okay, dahlings, let's roll. And take this brat with us, we got some questions to ask you when we get back to CTU!
Mother: Young man! You are grounded!
Billy: Aw, man…
Morris: Uh, what are you doing?
Mother: I'm sending him to his room for being a very bad boy!
Morris: Uh, he kidnapped and tortured a federal agent and was an accomplice to compromising a government agency's security system which will delay the investigation of a terrorist assassination attempt on the president. 'Getting sent to his room' is kinda not going to cut it, lady…
Jack: How do you know all that?
Morris: Uh, I'm just smart, dahling. It's not like I looked at the script or anything. That would be pretty rude of me, heh heh.
Jack: ….cheater…
Mother: Well, he's going to his room anyway…without dinner!
Jack: Can I have his dinner! Oh wait…is it still sloppy joes?
Mother: Yes.
Jack: Pass…
The White House
Kim: Yeeeess? Mr. Fighter pilot?
Pilot: President Bauer, I've received orders to initiate an air assault on 'Old Navy', is that correct?
Kim: You sure did get there fast.
Pilot: Yea, we were just flying around in circles until someone ordered us to blow something up.
Kim: Do it…
Co-Pilot: But they're having a sale on 'performance fleece'!
Pilot: Quiet, you!
Kim watches the radar as the little plane inches closer to the target, suddenly Kim poofs out of the room.
She poofs in the Terrorist Prison with Michelle and Marilyn.
Kim: Aw, dang. It ended.
Back at The White House.
Karen: Now's my chance!
She bolts to the phone.
Karen: President Bauer just croaked, stop the air assault! 'Old Navy' has fashionable garments for boys and girls at competitive prices!
Pilot: Actually, 'Target's' prices are much lower, and they have a better selection!
Karen: Really? Oh, well go ahead then. (she hangs up)
Pilot: Yay!
-OLD NAVY GO BOOM!-
Tom walks in as the paramedics wheel out Rolando Callahan, Ronald and Sherry Palmer.
Tom: Finally! It smells so much better in here…
CTU is up in smoke and falling apart. Ima is standing across the street. She is talking on the phone.
Ima (on the phone): Yes…..yes sir…..it has been done……CTU has been destroyed. I'll come pick up my check in about 30 minutes.
Charles Logan (on the other side): Good…..I'll see you then……
He hangs up.
10:59:57
10:59:58
10:59:59
11:00:00
Paul: Thank god that's over.
Fred: Now we have the resurrected bodies of Milo, Sherry, Tony AND Michelle to worry about! I hope you're happy.
Sam: I sure am!
Fred: Quiet, you!
NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW HOUR OF: 24!!!!
-SHOOSH-
Jack: EARTH!
Bill: FIRE!
Chloe: WIND!
Audrey: WATER!
Morris: HEART, dahling!
Mysterious Blue Man: BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED! I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!
Captain Planet: Whew! Mmm…that sure was a good cheeseburger!
He tosses the wrapper which misses the trash can.
Chloe (pointing): CAPTAIN PLANET JUST LITTERED! Kick his ass!
The Planeteers run up and beat the crap out of Captain Planet with their aluminum baseball bats.
-WHAP!-
-AND-
Bill: Michelle!
Michelle: Bill!
Tony: Bill!
Bill: Tony!
Tony: Michelle!
Michelle: Tony, you know I'm alive.
Bill answers his phone.
Karen: Husband!
Bill: Oh yea, I forgot about you.
Karen: HEY!
-AND-
On top of a skyscraper, Chloe bursts through a door to the roof. Ima stands on the edge.
Chloe (drawing her gun): I finally found you. It ends here, IMA MOLE!
Ima: You'll never stop the bomb in time!
Chloe: What bomb? You already blew up CTU!
Ima: Oh, there's another one!
Chloe: That sucks!
-SHOOSH!-
Jack and Audrey are standing on the front of a giant ship as is sails the ocean. He has a hold of her while her arms are spread out.
Audrey: I feel like, I'm flying.
Jack: Are you serious, A Titanic gag? That horse has been beaten to the ground, screw this.
Jack pushes her off the boat.
Audrey: I feel like I'm falling!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
-Splash!-
-AND FINALLY-
Audrey Raines: Okay Jack Bauer is playing 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' and is on the $100 question. Here we go.
Audrey: Okay, Jack. What popular brand of Cereal has you believing it's saying "Snap! Crackle! And Pop!" is it:
A. Rice Krispies
B. Bill Buchanan's Sugar Frosted Garbage Balls
C. Kellogg's Pinwheels Of Doom
D. Terror-O's
Jack: Hmm…..Let me use my 50/50 lifeline.
Audrey: Jack, you can't be serious. Fine, computer, randomly take away 2 of the incorrect answers.
A. Rice Krispies
B.
C.
D. Terror-O's
Jack: Oh no, my gut was telling me it was B. Better ask the audience to make sure.
Audrey rolls her eyes. The audience polls their decision.
A. Rice Krispies 99
B.
C.
D. Terror-O's 1
Jack: Hmm, I don't like the odds of that 1, better phone a friend.
Audrey lowers her head in disgust.
Audrey: Okay, Our friends at AT&T will get a hold of your friend. Who is this friend of yours?
Jack: They're my roommates from college who are brothers. In fact, they're magical elves who go by the names of 'Snap', 'Crackle', and Pop'!
Audrey buries her face in her hands. Jack gets on the phone and tells them the question.
Jack: YO SNAP! I got's a question for ya!
Snap: You moron! It's Rice Krispies!
Crackle: Yea, hello! Our names are in the question for cryin out loud!
Pop: And you had a bowl for breakfast this morning! Were on the friggin box!!
Time runs out.
Jack: They didn't sound too sure.
Audrey: IT'S RICE KRISPIES YOU FOOL!
She pulls out a gun and shoots Jack in the face.
Chloe (in the audience, clapping): Yay, I win. I told you she'd kill him by the 1st question, pay up.
Bill, Nadia, Morris, and Milo each pay Chloe 20 bucks.
God that went on way too long, oh well, anyway, AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT WEEK!