The 24 Parody Project
Episode 5
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!
Paul is watching last week's episode.
Fred: Sup?
Paul: You know, I was wondering, why hasn't Doyle been introduced in the story yet?
Fred: Uh, who?
Paul: Mike Doyle?
Fred: Well, we're just waiting for the right time to place him in the plot, that's all.
Paul: So, what's he doing until then?
Meanwhile, In THE MYSTICAL LAND OF FORGOTTEN CAST MEMBERS!
Mike Doyle: Yes, even though a bomb blew up in my face last season…and blinded me, I'm shooting to get back on the show.
Josh Bauer: Yeah, after Season 6 my mom sent me to military school.
Doyle: Yea, I got sent to private school once when I was your age, it wasn't pleasant.
----FLASHBACK----
Doyle is on the auditorium stage in front of the entire school. A large lady walks out with a whip.
Ms. Trunchbull: Now, Mike. I know you ate my delicious chocolate cake! Didn't you?
Doyle (with chocolate all over his face): No, Ms. Trunchbull.
Trunchbull: LIAR! You will tell me the truth or I'll throw you in The Chokey!
She points to a nearby closet that is filled with an array of painful torture devices.
Doyle: Well, okay….guilty!
Ms. Trunchbull: I bet it was good, wasn't it?
Doyle: My mom's is better.
Trunchbull: Grr. Okay then if you like cake so much…have some more…(she plops a giant chocolate cake on the table) EAT THAT!
Doyle: With pleasure…
-Later-
Doyle: Ms. Trunchbull, I'm think I'm going to throw up
Ms. Trunchbull: You will finish it, or you're going in THE CHOKEY!!!
Doyle: Bitch, how about you go into the chokey!
Doyle shoves the giant Ms. Trunchbull into the closet and slams the door.
Trunchbull: NOOOO!
The kids in the audience cheer him on: DOYLE!...DOYLE!...DOYLE!!...
---END OF FLASHBACK---
Doyle (daydreaming)….Doyle…..Doyle…..Doyle….
Josh: Uh….
Martha Logan: Mike, would you like more coffee?
Doyle: Hmm? Oh, I'm fine thanks.
Martha: Sandra, how many sugars in yours?
Sandra Palmer: 2 please.
Clerk: NUMBER 26! Calling NUMBER 26!!!
Doyle looks at his number.
Doyle: Hey, that's my number!
Doyle walks up to the desk.
Doyle: I'm number 26.
Clerk: Okay, I'll give you the rundown of what's happening in '24'. There's an assassination attempt on the president happening at 4:00 today, CTU has been blown up, also, Sherry Palmer and Kim Bauer have already been president, albeit only for a short time. Now pick a slip from the 'Character Plot' hat.
Doyle picks a piece of paper.
Clerk (reading the paper): You've just returned from 'Sesame Street on Ice'. Your character is set! BYE!
Doyle: I don't think I want to go back.
Clerk: Too late, you already picked a number (he pulls a rope, Doyle falls through a hole)
Doyle: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Mike Novick: Hey, why did you let him go? I'm number 26!
Clerk: Really? (He looks at Doyle's ticket) Oh, he was 126. Well, I already sent him, so you'll have to wait. Here, have this ticket instead! (He hands him Doyle's ticket)
Novick: -groan-
Beep…..beeepp……beep……beeepp………..bebepebpgebpgbepgbep…..4!!!!
Fred: Oh, crap. The digital display is out on the '2'! Somebody call maintenance.
Morris: Here and ready to work, dahling!
Fred: NOT YOU! Hey, you're not supposed to be here! Get back on the set!
Morris: Oh, sorry. (He leaves)
Jack: PREVIOUSLY ON 24!
Audrey, better known as Audriel the mermaid, swims through the ocean, bummed out about not having the life of an actual human with legs.
Audriel: Man, this stinks. I wish I had legs so I can walk with the humans on land and marry Jack Bauer, the prince…or whatever. Oh well, I'll just brush my hair with this fork. Eww! There's crap on it! (She throws the fork away).
Morris the lobster and Milo the flounder swim up next to her.
Morris the lobster: Aye, dontcha' wurry boot a ting, Awdriel.
Audriel: The Jamaican accent isn't working for you, Morris.
Morris the lobster: Sorry, dahling.
Milo the flounder: I'm scared of everything!
Audriel: Well, good thing I have this statue of Jack Bauer sitting here on the ocean floor so I can fantasize about him every night!
King James Heller, Ruler of the Seas shows up out of nowhere.
James Heller: HA! HA!, NOT ANYMORE! (he takes his fish wand and zaps the statue, blowing it to smithereens.)
-KABOOM!-
Audriel: NOO!
Milo: Sucks to be you…
Audriel: Boo! Hoo!
Morris: What's that?
Suddenly, Nina Myers the Sea Witch enters with her pet eels Flotsam and Jetsam.
Nina: Hmm….what seems to be the problem, my child? Even though I can pretty much see everything that's going on.
Audriel: I want legs!
Nina: Fine, I will give you legs. But you must give me your voice so I can store it in this seashell necklace.
Audriel: What the hell good is that going to do!?
Nina: Because my voice is raspy and gross, and when I come up to the surface later to steal your man, I'll suck it out and be able to sing beautifully.
Milo: You're wasting your time, she sings like crap!
Audriel: SHUT UP! I'll do it!
Nina: Okay, NOW SING!!!
Audriel: LLLAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Nina: UGH! Nevermind, I'll just take something else….how about your arms? Mine are so big and flabby, like batwings they are!
Audriel: I can't give you my arms! What good will that do if I marry Prince Jack Bauer, I can't wrap my legs around him!...unless…
Milo: CENSORS!!!
Morris: Dahling, you do realize this is a children's show, right?
Fred: OH MY FREAKING GOD! WILL YOU START THE SHOW ALREADY!??!!?
Paul: Sorry, -click-
Jack: PREVIOUSLY ON 24!!!
Jack wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing.
Jack (in an old woman voice): The Jack Bauer Residence, Ethel speaking! (JACK BAUER).
Terrorist: Oh hi Ethel. Can you tell Jack that the president will die at 4:00 today!
Jack: With pleasure! (he hangs up)….oh wait, that's bad.
CTU, Bill Buchanan gets a call about the threat as well. He answers the phone.
Bill (sticking out his tongue): WAZZZAAAAAAAAAP?! (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
Terrorist: President will be dead at 4, pass it on! –click-
Bill: Hmm, must have been the wrong number.
THE WHITE HOUSE
Rolando: Blargh! My breakfast has been poisoned! (NOW DEAD EX-PRESIDENT ROLANDO CALLAHAN)
He dies.
Jack walks into the abandoned warehouse, the picks up the note.
Jack (reading the note): GASP! He knows what I did last summer!? NOOOO!!! (JACK BAUER)
Jack: Uh, you already introduced me…anyway, Kim has been kidnapped! (KIM BAUER)
Jack: What the hell!? I'm not Kim Bauer! Idiot!
MEANWHILE
Ronald: I'm one of the lost Palmer siblings…blah blah blah…. (NOW DEAD EX-PRESIDENT RONALD PALMER)
Joint Chiefs: Now you're president!
Ronald: And here's Sherry Palmer, back from the dead! She's a robot…uh, no, now she's human. What's up with that!?
Sherry: HI! (NOW DEAD EX-PRESIDENT SHERRY PALMER)
Sherry shoots Ronald. –bang-
Ronald falls to the floor.
A chandelier falls on Sherry and kills her. –crash-
Noah runs up to the podium. (NOW UNCONSIOUS EX-PRESIDENT NOAH DANIELS)
Noah: I…
-KABOOOOM!-
Noah goes flying, landing right on a stretcher. The paramedics wheel him out. Kim runs in.
Kim: Michelle is back from the dead and my fairy god mother! (VICTOR DRAZEN)
Kim: WHAT!?
Michelle: Kim go poof now!
Kim: Now I'm president.
Michelle: Time's up.
Kim runs out of the room and back into her cell with Michelle and Marilyn.
Jack runs into an empty room and ties himself up.
Jack: Oh no! Not 'Full House'!
Morris runs in and grabs Jack.
Morris: Let's go, dahling!
Jack: Stop calling me that!
CTU explodes!
Ima Mole: I've done the deed!
Charles Logan: Excuse me?
Ima: I blew up CTU and disabled their security systems.
Charles: Good for you, now come get your money.
Ima: I'm running right now!
Chloe: Yeah, that wasn't rushed…
Jack: The following takes place between 11:00am and 12:00pm.
A blue van drives by. Morris, Jack, and the swat team are in the back.
Morris: You okay, dahling?
Jack: Yea, I've had worse. Ugh….so, what's the situation. Any leads on Kim?
Morris: Well, the group was going to go off the note you found in the warehouse and scan it for prints.
Jack: Wow. That was like, almost 3 hours ago. You mean this one?
He pulls out a wadded piece of paper from his pocket.
Morris: Uh, yea. That one….
Jack: I sure hope the president is safe….
Morris: God, which one? The show can't go an episode without killing somebody….
Jack: So who's the president now?
Morris: Well, luckily I've peeked at the script. What I'm about to tell you will shock you, the next president is….
Jack: …..
Morris: …..
Jack: ……?
Morris: I said THE NEXT PRESIDENT IS……
Morris scoots up to the driver.
Morris: Hey, how much longer till we reach the bridge?
Driver: Right about…now.
Morris: Okay.
He shuffles back to his seat.
Morris: Jack, the next president is…..
-BOOM!-
Suddenly one of the van's tires blows out. The van loses control and runs off the side of a bridge.
-KERSPLASH!-
The van starts to sink underwater.
Jack: Well, Morris? Don't keep me in suspense! Who is it?
Morris: -blub- -blub- -blub- (He sinks)
Meanwhile, at the Terrorist Prison Emporium
Michelle: There's got to be a way to get out of here.
Marilyn: Yes, I have to get back to my Jackie Wackie! (She clutches an autographed picture of Jack to her bosom, yikes).
Michelle: Hmm, gross. So Kim, any ideas?
Kim: Have you thought about asking them to let us go?
Michelle: -ahem-, Mr. Terrorist, will you set us free?
Terrorist: Sure thing Michelle!
He opens the cell.
Michelle (shocked): AW!...is it….really?
Marilyn stands up with her Jack picture. Which oddly has changed to an autographed picture of Karen caressing a block of cheese…I'm not going to ask.
Michelle, Marilyn and Kim walk out of the cell and out of the complex. The sun is shining, the birds are singing.
Terrorist Bob: Life is beautiful! I'm giving up terrorism for good!
Terrorists: US TOO!
Michelle: FREEDOM AT LAST!!
Michelle, Marilyn, and Kim hold hands while skipping down the street. The Terrorists open up a Malt Shop where everyone can hang out after work. Peace spreads throughout the world and the cast of '24' live happily ever after.
THE END…….not.
Michelle: Bitch, are you on drugs!?
Kim: AW! THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!! (she sobs)
Michelle: Excuse me! Terrorist!
T. Bob: Yea?
Michelle: Can you let us go? Or at least move us to another cell? Its cold in here and those talking rats are getting on my last nerve!
Brain: We're not rats, we're mice! Now come, Pinky! We must prepare for tomorrow night!
Pinky: -narf-! What are we gonna do tomorrow night, Brain?
Brain: The same thing we do every night Pinky, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Michelle: Oh my god, will you shut up!? I can't concentrate!
11:05:34, At Charles Logan's Prison Estate, Ima's car pulls up into the driveway. Ima gets out and walks up to his door.
Charles: Come in, Miss Mole.
Ima walks in and sets her purse on the counter.
Charles: You have done well, Ima.
Ima: Yes, yes.
Charles: Now that CTU is out of the way, we have to focus on our next target, The President.
Ima: Uh, which one?
Charles: Whoever is alive at 4:00.
Ima: Wait, I thought the terrorists are taking care of that?
Charles: Well, yea, the terrorists are. But we aren't.
Ima: I'm not following.
Charles: The terrorists who are planning to assassinate the president this afternoon, they work for someone else.
Ima: Oh….okay.
Charles: However, my superiors are offering us a large sum of money and a ticket out of the country if we can do the deed ourselves.
Ima: Wait, so we'll be competing against the terrorists to see who can assassinate the president first?
Charles: Yes. The President has a live press conference in the park at 4:00, which is kinda stupid. But what kind of bad guys would we be if we didn't take advantage of it?
Ima: Sucky ones. But we can't do this alone.
Charles: I know, I'll get in touch with one of my old contacts….she's a professional……
The White House
The joint chiefs enter the Oval Office; Tom is awaiting the decision on the new president as Karen watches 'Matlock'.
Joint Chief Steve: Okay, we have tallied the country's votes, and we have a new president.
Tom: What? That's impossible. Kim Bauer was 'removed' from office a little over 10 minutes ago. You can't possibly tell me that the country voted and a decision was made in that time.
JC Steve: Yes it has, now the country's new commander in chief will be Ronald McDonald.
Tom: HA! Oh dear god, you're serious?!
Karen swoons.
Ronald McDonald enters the oval office.
Ronald: Hi kids!
Tom: It doesn't get much worse than this…
Ronald: Now as President, we have a lot of work to do before this afternoon's press conference. First off, Tom and Karen, I'm dismissing you from your positions.
Tom: WHAT!? Karen, we must do something!
Karen: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?
Tom (turns to Karen): What? Oh, I don't have time to deal with you. (He turns his attention back on Ronald McDonald) You can't fire us!
Ronald: Well, let me be more specific. I'm sending you on…a mission.
Tom: Uh, mission?
Ronald: Yes…..to CTU!
Karen: Clown Training University?!
Ronald: No, you tool. The Counter Terrorist Unit. They are in shambles after the latest attack from 'Ima Mole', a worker who…uh, well….was a mole.
Karen: Bill hired someone named Ima Mole? How reckless. That's it, I'm not making 'Hamburger Helper' tonight, he can go without…
The Hamburger Helper Hand pops up next to Karen.
Hamburger Helper Hand: But Karen! It's yours and Bill's favorite!
Karen: Your right….okay, I'll let him slide this one time.
Ronald: ANYWAY, they are a wreck and need some help.
Tom: What are we going to do?
Ronald: I don't know, do something. Meanwhile, let me introduce you to my new Presidential advisors.
Tom: Oh okay….hey, wait……
A big giant purple blob and a bird wearing a mini-skirt enter the room.
Ronald: This is my Chief Advisor Grimace, the giant purple sack of crap!And the new head of the Department Of Homeland Security, Birdie the Early Bird.
Birdie (flapping her feathers): HI FRIENDS!!
Grimace: …duuuuhhhh…..
Tom: This is an outrage!
Karen: Well, at least I can go see my husband now! That's good news….HIGH FIVE!
She rams her hand into the Hamburger Helper Glove's face. Blood splatters everywhere.
-BAMPH! SPLAT!-
Hamburger Helper Hand: ACK!!! (He slumps in his blood puddle)
Karen: oops…
Tom: So….do we….drive to CTU?
Ronald: So you can arrive long after the season's ended? Uh, no. Take the McTeleporter. It will get you there faster.
Tom and Karen step on two giant teleporter pods sitting in the floor.
Ronald: Is it ready?
Fry Kids: Ready Captain!
Ronald: Energize!
The Fry Kids activate the McTeleporter, Tom and Karen materialize out of the room.
Karen: Correct me if I'm wrong Tom. But don't you find it ironic how the mascot of the company who served the food that killed the first President is now the President himself?
Tom: Try not to think about it.
Karen's head explodes. (KA-BOOM!!)
Tom: What did I just tell you?!
11:09:13 am, Ronald McDonald is getting settled at his desk / Michelle, Marilyn, and Kim sit in the terrorist prison cell watching 'The $10,000 pyramid' / The blue CTU van is deep in the river / Bill is posing for the camera as Nadia stands next to Chloe and Milo on the street, who are unconscious.
Nadia: Uh, Bill?
Bill: Hmm?
Nadia: What are we going to do now?
Bill: We shall relocate, to 'The International House Of Pancakes'!
Nadia: Uh, could we actually do our work there?
Bill: …Huh? Work? Oh, I guess you could bring that along if you want to.
Bill heads off; Nadia follows him with a laptop.
Nadia: When you two wake up, meet us at 'IHOP', we'll continue there.
Milo: Roger!
Chloe: I hate pancakes….
Meanwhile, INSIDE the destroyed CTU.
Tony: ugh….am I dead?
Audrey: No, we're still alive. Trapped in your stupid gift shop!
Tony: Says the woman who bought out half my store…
Audrey: We have to think….man, if we don't get out of here soon we'll starve, or die of thirst.
Tony: If you get tired you and take a nap on that life size inflatable Jack Bauer doll.
Audrey: Who would by that?
Tony (looking at a sheet): Hmm, someone named 'Marilyn' bought like, 12 of them. Oh, and if we get thirsty we can drink 'The Jack Bauer Power Source!' an energy drink filled with 47 vitamins and minerals. (He opens a can)
Audrey: Look, an air vent! We might be able to crawl through, it's better than staying here. (She walks up and opens the vent). Eeeww! There are hundreds of dead ferrets in here! Oh well, (she crawls in).
Tony: Hey, wait up. Hmm, this stuff tastes like crap, (he grabs another can).
Meanwhile, Jack rises from the murky water of the river the CTU van drove into. Morris crawls out afterwards.
Morris: ugh…..-pant-…..-wheeze-…
Jack: You okay, dahling?
Morris: That's my line...
Jack: Oh, oops. So, who is the president now?
Morris: I can't remember. I MUST HAVE AMNESIA!
Jack: God, who doesn't have amnesia?
Meanwhile, back at the International Counter Terrorist House Of Pancakes Unit, or ICTHOPU.
Nadia: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!
Bill: They wouldn't let us use the restaurant for operations unless we changed our name to that. I guess it's a legal thing. Now, Chloe and Milo, it's good to see you two not dead.
Chloe: Oh…uh, thanks.
Milo: Hey, they serve breakfast AND lunch, sweet!
Bill: The President is….uh….
Doyle shows up and sits down at the table next to Chloe and Milo.
Doyle (deadpan): Hi everyone, it's me, Mike Doyle, I just got back from…(he looks at a slip of paper)….'Sesame Street On Ice', it was sooo much fun! Can I kill stuff now?
Bill: Oookay, as I was saying….uh…
Karen and Tom approach the table.
Karen: Hi husband.
Bill: Hi wife.
Tom: Hi Tom!
Karen: Ronald McDonald has just been sworn in as president. He teleported us here and I just slaughtered the Hamburger Helper Hand.
Bill (to the waitress): Can we get a bigger table?
Underground, Tony and Audrey reached the end of the air shaft….and are now in the Sewers.
Audrey: The CTU air vents lead to the city sewer system!? How the hell is that possible!?…That's kinda gross, actually.
Tony: Hmm, well. It seems pretty safe down here.
Audrey: Shhh! I heard something!
Tony and Audrey sit quiet in the sewers.
Audrey: I hear voices. They're coming closer!
Tony: I doubt it. IS ANYBODY THERE!?
Terrorist Frank: Hey, there's somebody there! Let's get em!
Audrey: Crap! Good going, dolt!
Tony: Quit being so paranoid, they could be friendly….
-BANG-
A bullet whizzes by Tony almost hitting him.
Tony: …terrorists who want to kill us?
Audrey: RUN!
Audrey and Tony make a break for it, with 2 terrorist guards in hot pursuit.
11:22:21, at the Terrorist Prison
Michelle: Okay, we have to break out of here. This is getting us nowhere.
A speaker in the cell comes on.
Voice on Speaker: Good Morning, Angels.
Michelle, Marilyn, and Kim: Good Morning, Charlie!
Voice: Now, girls. Why do you think I have you kept here today?
Marilyn: Because we're so pretty?
Voice: Ha ha ha…no.
Marilyn: Rude….
Voice: Because there is something my…nemesis has in his possession…and I want it.
Kim: And we get to retrieve it!?
Voice: No..
Kim: Aw…
Voice: I am going to let CTU handle that.
Michelle: Why can't you get it?
Voice: Because I'm too busy planning to assassinate the president today.
Kim: Oh, no! I'm too young to die!
Michelle: Kim, you aren't president anymore.
Kim: Oh, well I would have been a great president.
Voice: Yes, at least up until the point where you get impeached for recklessly blowing up clothing stores. ANYWAY, CTU will get in the way of my assassination plot. That is why I want them to retrieve the device for me to 'keep them occupied' while I do my business.
Kim: Then, what are we here for?
Voice: I hold you here hostage, forcing CTU and Jack Bauer to do what I say. Geez, put 2 and 2 together!
Back at ICTHOPU.
Bill: Okay, now….ugh, crap!
Jack and Morris walk in and approach the table.
Waitress: I don't have any bigger tables; you'll have to sit on each other's laps.
Jack: I call 'Chloe'! (He runs and plops on Chloe's lap).
Chloe: OOF!...dammit Jack.
Morris: Damn, hmm. I guess I'll go with Nadia. (Morris plops on Nadia's lap).
Nadia: ow….
Bill: Now before the rest of the cast bursts in here, we'll get started with the briefing. Chloe?
Chloe holds up a picture of Ronald McDonald she drew on a napkin.
Bill: This is the President of The United States. We have received information that he will be assassinated today at 4:00 this afternoon in the park during his live press conference about something irrelevant. Ima Mole is our enemy, she was a mole that infiltrated CTU's security system and bombed our building, leaving us practically defenseless. Seriously Chloe, you should have warned me about her!
Chloe slams her head on the table.
Bill: Anyway, while Jack was having fun sitting on Chloe's lap. We scanned the note Jack found at the warehouse.
Chloe: We also did some more research and came up with the name of a possible suspect…Adam Logan!
Milo: Who the hell is Adam Logan?
Chloe: Hmm, let me check.
The computer screen flashes: CHARLES LOGAN'S BROTHER
Chloe: Say what?
Milo: Charles Logan doesn't have a brother, or at least as far as we know.
Chloe: Anyway, he owns a chain of restaurants called 'Adam's Chicken Fry Palace', their corporate offices are about 10 miles away from here.
Bill: Super. Okay, Jack and Doyle, I'm placing you two on the job of apprehending Adam Logan. Good luck.
Doyle: All right! We're on it! (He grabs Jack, who was trying to stuff himself with pancakes)
Jack: Aw, I wanted pancakes!
They leave ICTHOPU.
Milo (looking at the background of Chloe's laptop): Hey Chloe, is that your family?
Chloe: Yeah.
Milo (noticing Chloe in the picture): I never knew you used to have pigtails.
Chloe: Well, I did for a while, then I had to get rid of them when I went to private school.
-FLASHBACK-
Ms. Trunchbull walks up to Chloe, who was standing on the playground.
Trunchbull: O'Brien! What are those! (She points to her head)
Chloe: They're my pigtails, Ms. Trunchbull.
Trunchbull: Well, are you a pig, Chloe?
Chloe: No, Ms. Trunchbull.
Trunchbull: I demand you chop them off!
Chloe: But my mom thinks they're cute.
Trunchbull: Your mom is a twit!
Chloe (to herself): Bitch!
Chloe: But!
Trunchbull: DID YOU JUST SAY 'BUT'?!
Chloe: Yes. As in 'Your Big Fat Butt'.
Ms. Trunchbull grabs Chloe by the pigtails and spins her around and around.
Chloe: YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Trunchbull lets go, Chloe goes flying through the air, barely missing the fence. The children start to cheer for her successful escape.
Chloe gets up and brushes herself off, waving to the other kids proud of her victory (like she did anything). Suddenly a steam roller drives by and flattens her to death. –SQUISH!-
Chloe: DAMMIT MILO! That didn't happen, let me finish my story!
Milo: Okay, just making it more interesting.
Chloe: Oh, that was the end. Oh well.
Nadia: So what happened, I wasn't listening. You got ran over by a steamroller?
Chloe: GRR!
Meanwhile, at the White House.
Ronald McDonald is celebrating his success of his presidency. His sassy wife, Rhonda McDonald comes in to congratulate him.
Rhonda: You did a great job, Mr. President.
Ronald: Yes, well there still is a lot of work to do, my sassy wife.
Rhonda: Well, I better get started on licking the thousands of stamps for thank you letters.
Ronald: You do that.
Presidential Secretary Penny enters.
Penny: Sir, I have someone on the phone for you.
Ronald picks up the phone.
Ronald: Yes. Oh, hello Maureen Kingsley. What?! You better not even think about going to the press with that story! Oooh, You suck!
Rhonda: What's the matter?
Ronald: Maureen Kingsley is going to go public about our son Keith murdering the man who robbed our daughter Nicole 7 years ago.
-FLASHBACK-
Nicole McDonald: Mmm. These hamburgers are delicious!
Hamburglar: Robble! Robble!
The Hamburglar swipes Nicole's hamburgers.
Nicole: Oh no!
Keith McDonald: You bastard!
Keith pushes The Hamburglar out the window of the 19th floor. –SPLAT!-
-END OF FLASHBACK-
Rhonda: I don't remember that happening…
Meanwhile, Audrey and Tony have escaped the sewers and are walking down a back alley.
Audrey: Where the hell are we?
Tony: Beats me. Good thing we lost those terrorists.
Audrey: Man, I'm about to pass out. We need to take a break.
Tony: Ooh, let's go into this Malt Shop. I'm parched!
Audrey and Tony make their way to the 'T Malt Shop'.
T George: Hi, folks. Welcome to the 'T Malt Shop'. Name's George, what can I get for you?
Tony: What does 'T' stand for…terrorist? Ha ha ha ha….
Terrorist George: Actually it does!
Tony: EEP!
Terrorist George: Hey, you're the first person to get that right. Harry! Come give the man his prize!
Terrorist Harry runs out with a coupon.
Harry: Congratulations! You have just won a Free Terror-ific Ice Cream cone!
Tony: But I wanted a malt…..from the malt shop.
Harry: UGH! How selfish!
George: Get em!
Terrorists bust through the windows and capture Audrey and Tony.
Audrey: Why didn't you just take the free ice cream cone!?
Tony: I wanted a malt, doofus. I just said that 10 seconds ago!
Audrey: God, I hate you.
Meanwhile, at the Terrorist Prison, 11:48:21.
Kim: Hey look, a vent!
Michelle: Those vents sure are convenient.
Kim: I think I can squeeze through there.
Michelle: Go on, I'm sure there's no danger.
Kim takes the vent off and starts to slide in.
Kim: Uh oh, I'm stuck.
Michelle: Hmm. Kick her.
Michelle and Marilyn start kicking the crap out of Kim.
Kim: OW! OOF! OUCH! Dammit, hold on….okay, I'm good.
She falls through.
Michelle: Godspeed, Kimberly. For you are our last ray of hope of escaping this hell hole!
Terror Guard (walking in): Okay, we decided to move you to our first class prison cells. With catered meals, air conditioning and over 700 cable channels.
Michelle: Hmm. Sucks to be Kim! Okay, let's roll.
Michelle and Marilyn get up and walk with the guard.
A car pulls up to The Adam's Chicken Fry Palace Corporate Headquarters. Jack and Doyle step out.
Jack: This looks like the place.
They proceed on in, they pull out their guns and start shooting down the guards.
The lobby is a war zone. Jack and Doyle fire their weapons while making their way to the elevator.
Doyle: Push the button!
Jack: Are we going up or down?
Doyle: We're on the first floor!
Jack: Duh, it's called a basement.
Doyle (nearly getting shot): Up! Up! We're going up!
Jack presses the button. The doors open and Jack and Doyle fall into the elevator.
Doyle: That was close.
Jack: You want a 'Tic Tac'?
Doyle: Sure.
Jack: ……well?
Doyle: Well what?
Jack: Where's my 'Tic Tac'?
Doyle: What? You just asked if I wanted one.
Jack: I asked if you wanted one, assuming you have them, so you'll give one to me; and by asking 'if you would like one' just shows that I'm not being selfish.
Doyle: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Jack: …..
Doyle: …..
Jack: So….am I getting a 'Tic Tac' or not?
Doyle: I DON'T HAVE ANY TIC TACS!!!
Jack: ….geez, be rude about it.
They sit there in the elevator. Jack pops a tic tac in his mouth. Doyle fumes.
And back at the Terrorist Prison.
Michelle: Oh wow. This cell is much better.
Marilyn: There are couches and TV's, and a buffet!
Michelle: Woo Hoo!
Michelle walks over to the buffet and grabs a plate, ready to dig in. She hears a crash and notices Marilyn lying on the floor.
Michelle: Geez, Marilyn if you wanted to fake your death in order to get out of here, you could have at least done it before Kim went through the vent…..hmm? Uh oh, she's not faking.
She drops her plate and runs to the door, then runs back to grab a piece of chicken, then back to the door.
Michelle (stuffing her face with chicken): HRP! Mrrlyn ssss lahin on duh fluur.
Guard: What?
Michelle: Ah sed, Mrrrlyn is ACK!
Michelle chokes on her piece of chicken and falls to the floor.
Guard: oh good grief.
The screen starts to shrink down at 11:56:23. The guard comes in and picks up Marilyn's body, leaving Michelle / Kim reaches the outside of the terrorist complex, and makes a break for it / Some other terrorists are dragging Audrey and Tony to their cell / Jack and Doyle are walking up to the C.E.O's office door / Charles Logan and Ima Mole sit on the couch crying over their favorite soap opera 'Maul My Children' / Ronald walks over and makes a phone call / Chloe is waiting outside the women's restroom of the ICTHOPU as Morris pours some syrup on his pancakes.
Morris: Mmmm. Pancakes.
The Terrorist Prison.
Guard: You can use this cell, someone just recently died here.
Tony: MICHELLE!
Guard: Oh, not her, she just choked on a piece of chicken.
Audrey rushes over and performs the Heimlich.
Michelle: HACK! (she spits out the chicken) Whew….ooh chicken! (She pops it in her mouth and starts choking again).
Audrey: Dammit!
Charles Logan's House.
Ima and Charles are still watching 'Maul My Children'.
Ima (sobbing): It's SOOOO sad!
Logan (sobbing): I know! Bradley just got back from the war after 27 years, and now Sarah doesn't remember him because she has amnesia!
Ima: They were going to go to 'Disney World' too!
The both start bawling their eyes out….whatever.
At the Corporate Office
Jack and Doyle bust in the door. They see Adam Logan on the balcony.
Jack: Adam Logan, we need to talk to you.
Adam: No! (He steps up on the ledge)
Jack: Uh oh, you think he's going to jump?
Doyle glares at Jack.
Doyle: Now Mr. Logan, we need your help in stopping the assassination of President Ronald McDonald. Man, that's a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say.
Adam: No, I can't do this anymore. I've gotten myself in far too much trouble helping out my brother.
Jack: So, Charles Logan was up to something! Well gang, it looks like we have more work to do. TO THE MYSTERY MACHINE!
Scooby Doo: Roinks, Rack Rauer! (He jumps up in his arms)
Velma: Jinkies!
Daphne (walking up to Jack): How about you and I solve some mysteries of our own…at my place.
Jack: Works for me! (He drops Scooby Doo on the floor) –WHAMP!-
Scooby: Rouch!...rasshole…..
Doyle: I don't even want to know. But anyway, Adam, please help us stop your brother from doing something terrible! You can redeem yourself!
Adam: You're right. I will help.
Suddenly a shot rings out, hitting Logan.
Doyle: ACK! Where the hell did that come from?!
Adam trips over the railing and falls to the ground below. Jack and Doyle rush to the ledge. –SPLAT-
Jack (shouting to Adam): Are you okay?
Doyle: Ugh….
11:59:57
11:59:58
11:59:59
12:00:00
Meanwhile, IN THE MYSTICAL LAND OF FORGOTTEN CAST MEMBERS
Clerk: NUMBER 126! Calling number 126!
Mandy (ruh roh) walks up to the counter and hands the clerk her ticket.
Mandy: That's me, I'm 126.
The clerk takes her ticket.
Clerk: Great, you have your things? Good, okay, welcome back to the show.
He pulls a rope, Mandy falls through a hole. Mike Novick runs up to the clerk.
Mike: HEY! I was 126! Remember, you passed over me at the beginning of the episode to let Mike Doyle go through.
Clerk: Oh….oops. Oh well, I mean it's for the greater good. Ronald McDonald is president. What good would you do to the plot? However, have this ticket instead, we'll call your number when we're ready.
He hands Mike Novick Mandy's 1,026 number.
Mike: I'm never going to get on the show….
NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW HOUR OF: 24!
Morris runs in with a blue velvet suit, shaggy hair, and bad teeth.
Morris: YEAH BABY! YEAH!
Audrey: It's Morris Powers! International man of mystery!
Morris: So, shall we shag now, or…shag later.
Audrey: Much later.
Morris: Oh…that sucks.
-AND SPEAKING OF SHAGGING-
Daphne slips herself into the covers of a fancy looking bed.
Daphne: Okay, Mr. Bauer. I'm ready.
Jack: Excellent. (He climbs into the bed as well) The following is about to take place between 1:00am and 1:01am.
Daphne: -groan-
-AND-
Charles Logan: The bomb is ready, it just needs to be armed. Just for fun, let's get someone from CTU to do it.
Ima picks a name out of a hat.
Ima: Morris O'Brien.
Charles: Good. Go kidnap Morris and bring him to me. (Turning to his guard) You, get your electric power drill ready to plunge into his shoulder, in case if he doesn't cooperate.
-AND-
Announcer: It's 'LATE NIGHT: WITH CHLOE 'O BRIEN!' Eddie Murphy stops by to talk about another movie he made in which he plays every role, comedian Tony Almeida comes by to tell a stupid joke, and animal expert Habib Marwan comes on the show to show off his prize winning cougar.
Chloe: WHAT!?
Announcer: And music by Milo Pressman, and the Milo Pressman 7! Ladies and Gentleman, CHLOE O' BRRRIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEENNN!!!
Chloe walks out shortly before getting attacked by the cougar. –WHOMP!-
Chloe: ACK! OW!...and now, the comedy stylings of Tony Almeida.
Tony walks on stage. He grabs the microphone.
Tony: Okay, so this bank robber walks into a bank…you know, to rob it. And the bank teller is The Pillsbury Doughboy. The robber aims his gun and says 'Give Me All Your Dough!' The Pillsbury Doughboy says 'Okay' and rips off one of his fat fingers and throws it at the robber, 'Something's In The Oven! Tee Hee' he cheers. The robber shoots him in the face. Then the robber and the surviving bank tellers chop up the Pillsbury Doughboy, using his entrails to bake some cinnamon rolls. The end.
The audience stares in horror.
Bill: YOU SUCK! GET OFF THE STAGE!
He throws a tomato in Tony's face. –SPLAT-
-AND FINALLY-
Jack: Dad! I can't believe your behind the terrorist attacks…wait, didn't this happen already? Why is on a 'Next Time on 24' clip…whatever.
Phillip: I have come to take Josh away to China, were he will become a better man than your brother.
Jack: Like that takes any effort. But Dad, why?
Phillip: To teach you a lesson Jack, after you destroyed the one I loved most!
-FLASHBACK 22 years ago, at the Bauer Family Reunion-
Phillip: Jack, where's Babe? I can't find her anywhere!
Jack: Uh…..
Phillip: Jack Bauer, if you done something with my precious prize winning pig, I swear I'll ground you for a year!
Jack: Uh….
Terri: Hey Jack, these hotdogs are delicious!
Phillip (pissed): JACK BAUER!!!
Jack: whoops……
OKAY, ENOUGH OF THAT…BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24, SOMETIME NEXT WEEK!!!