The 24 Parody Project
Episode 6
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED……
Paul: You like it?
Fred: I don't see the point of the disclaimer. It's not like we have questionable material on the show.
Jack walks out wearing a 'Hooters' tank top.
Jack: Is it hot in here or what? I'm going to pour this all over my body!
Jack pours a bucket of water on himself. –SPLASH-
Jack: ACK! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!
Fred: -sigh-
Beep…..beep……beep…….beep……bepbpebpepbepbepbpebpepbepbpebpebe……24!!!!!
Jack: Previously on 24…
-SWOOSH-
Bill (singing): You are my wife!
Karen (singing): Goodbye, city life!
Bill and Karen (singing): Green Acres, we are theerrrre! (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
-SWOOSH-
Milo gets in the bathtub to take a relaxing bath.
Milo: Mmmm, so relaxing….
Suddenly, The Brave Little Toaster hops up on the side of the tub.
Milo: EEEK!
Toaster: Tony, I've came to get my revenge.
Milo: What are you talking about?
Toaster: You killed my friends!
Milo: Say what?
The toaster pulls out some photos of the various crime scenes.
Toaster: Lampy, the lamp. You put a 900 watt light bulb in him and he exploded!
Milo: I'm sorry; I was in the middle of a very intense chapter of 'Harry Potter'.
Toaster: Blankey, the blanket. You cuddled up with him at night when you got cold. However this night in particular you didn't feel like going to the restroom and just relieved yourself right there, HE WAS AN ELECTRIC BLANKET YOU ASS!
Milo: How I didn't get electrocuted was nothing short of a miracle…
Toaster: My Radio friend, speakers shorted out when you blared that stupid 'Barbie Girl' song by Aqua. And Kirby, the vacuum, you used him to vacuum up a room full of pennies!
Milo: In my defense I couldn't find my piggy bank and had to put my loose change somewhere!
Toaster: Well, murdering isn't in my nature. So I am willing to forgive you, just as long as you apologi….
The toaster realizes that Milo is trying to dig out some burnt Pop Tarts with a fork.
Toaster: THAT'S IT!!!!
The toaster hops into the tub with Milo.
Milo: EEP!
-KA-ZAP!-
-AND-
Adam Logan: Okay, I won't jump.
Adam suddenly gets shot, and falls to the floor.
Jack: Hmm, wasn't he supposed to fall over the ledge to the street.
Doyle: Yea, we better do something.
Jack and Doyle pick up Adam's body and toss it over the ledge.
SPLAT!
Jack: Oh no, He's been shot! (JACK BAUER)
-AND-
Jack Bauer is hopping along through the forest…wearing a bunny costume.
Jack (singing): Little Bunny Foo Foo, hoppin through the forest. Scoopin up the field mice, and boppin them on the head.
Jack picks up a field mouse and bonks it on its head. And down came Fairy Princess Michelle Dessler…
Michelle (singing): Little Bunny Foo Foo, I don't want to see you, picking up the field mice, and boppin them on the head.
Jack: OKAY! (He picks one up and bonks it).
Michelle: DAMMIT JACK! What did I just tell you!?
Jack: Oops.
Michelle: That's it; I'm banishing you to the Land Of Forgotten Bunnies!
Jack: WHAT!? -ZAP!-
Jack appears in a dark and fiery place, it pretty much looks like Hell.
Jack: Where am I?
The Trix Rabbit: You're in Rabbit Hell, my friend.
Jack: Well that blows….why are you here?
Trix Rabbit: I committed mass genocide on a large group of children for stealing my cereal. IT HAS MY FACE ON IT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
Jack: Okay….what about him?
Jack points to the Energizer Bunny.
Trix Rabbit: Well, he originally went to Rabbit Heaven, but he wouldn't stop beating that stupid drum. So they banished him.
Jack: Nice….
Energizer Bunny (beating the drum): BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM!...
Trix Rabbit: Would you stop doing that? It's giving me a headache!
-WHATEVER-
Jack: The following takes place between 12:00pm and 1:00pm.
Adam Logan's body is splattered on the ground below; Jack and Doyle stare from the window where he fell from last week's episode.
Jack: This is bad.
Doyle: Uh, yeah.
Jack: Well, we better do something fast before Chloe calls to check on our progress….(the phone rings).
Jack: Don't worry, I got this…
He answers the phone.
Jack: Thanks for calling the Hot Monkey Love Line! This is…uh, 'Candy'! How may I serve you?
Chloe: Jack, are you drunk?
Jack: Who's this Jack you speak of? You have the wrong number crazy lady.
Chloe: Jack, I can see you on videophone, your obviously lyi…(Jack hangs up)
Jack: Hmm, that bought us some time.
Doyle: If she wasn't suspicious before…
Jack: Hey, want to grab something to eat? There's a cafeteria on the 2nd floor; I heard they have a chicken salad that's to die for!
Doyle: Sure, let's go!
They skip out of the room. Mandy crawls out from under the desk. She gets on her phone.
Mandy: It's been done. Adam Logan has been taken care of and will no longer be a threat to our cause.
Carmen Sandiego: Excellent! Now no one will know where in the world I am! The crown jewels will soon be mine! Ha ha ha!
McDonald's Employee: Here's your order, Ms. Sandiego.
Carmen: Good, a criminal mastermind like myself has to start her day off right with some breakfast.
She takes a bite out of her Sausage Mcmuffin and instantly dies. –Klump-
Mandy: Who the hell was that?! Must have dialed the wrong number…
12:06:22, The White House. Ronald McDonald gets ready for his speech. His wife is fuming.
Rhonda McDonald: What the hell are you doing?!
Ronald: I am about to make my speech and address the public about Keith.
Rhonda: You can't do that! If you tell the people that your son is a murderer it will hurt your presidency, which doesn't make any sense. That and you're already president, who's having a press conference when you have another one in less then 4 hours, which makes even less sense!
Ronald: This is something I have to do, for Keith!
Rhonda: You're lying…
Ronald: Okay, for me…(He leaves to go make his speech)
Rhonda walks over to Secretary Penny.
Rhonda: Penny, I know you have the hots for my husband, and this whole Keith killing the Hamburglar thing is going to hurt Ronald's presidency. I need you to go upstairs and seduce him, which makes absolutely no sense!
Penny: What? I don't like your husband.
Rhonda: I have seen your myspace….
Penny: Okay, I'm going….
Rhonda: Excellent!
Penny walks up to Ronald McDonald and starts dancing.
Penny: BOM CHICKA WAH WAH!!!
Ronald???
Penny: BOM CHICKA...BOM CHICKA...WAH WWAAAAHH!!!!
Ronald: Uh….
Penny: BOM CHICKA WAH WWAAAHH!!!
Ronald: ……you're fired…
Penny: Oh poo….
Rhonda: DRAT!
Ronald prepares to make his speech.
Ronald: My fellow American's. I must come clean with the truth. My son Keith, murdered the Hamburglar 7 years ago. I hope this doesn't affect my presidency, and you will still like me. Thank you, and good night…
Reporter 1: What the hell does that have to do with anything?!
Reporter 2: This is a 'Save The Whales' conference!
Reporter 3: If it was 7 years ago, wouldn't that have made him like 12? I don't know…
Ronald walks over to Rhonda.
Ronald: Rhonda, you wicked witch! What you did was unforgivable!
Rhonda: Whatever, I'm sorry I tried to get Penny to sleep with you.
Ronald: Actually, I was referring to you leaving the stove on last night, but now I'm mad. I want a divorce.
Rhonda: Good.
Ronald: Great.
Rhonda: Wonderful.
Ronald: Craptacular!
At the Terrorist Prison.
Audrey: Let me out! Let me out!...or..uh, I'LL BLOW THIS WALL DOWN!
The Terrorists: Not by the hairs of our chiny chin chins!
Audrey: That's it!
She breathes in real deep…..then faints….
Tony and Michelle, who are in the same cell as Audrey, come over to the corpse of Marilyn Bauer to Investigate the Crime Scene.
Tony: Hmm, (pulls out forensics kit) It's a complete mystery why she died so suddenly. Look Michelle….
The camera zooms in ridiculously close to a red line on her throat.
Michelle: There are lacerations on her throat. Strangled, maybe?
Tony: Perhaps, and look at this.
Camera zooms in toward a giant bullet hole.
Tony: Shot….with a gun….that held a bullet….that went inside her….and she went 'Bleck' then died…
Michelle: We get it, Tony. Wait….
Camera zooms in to a nearby pillow.
Michelle: She could have been smothered to death!
Tony: OR! STABBED! (Zooms in on a stab wound in her back)
Michelle: Blunt force trauma! (Zooms in on a bump in the back of her head).
Tony: I've solved the mystery!
Audrey: You have?
Tony: Yes, I believe it was Audrey Raines, with the Revolver, in the Terrorist Prison. Wait, no maybe it was the 'Lead Pipe'.
Audrey: I didn't kill her, you moron! I JUST GOT HERE!
Tony: Prove it…
Audrey: I was with you, then you got us captured because you wanted a malt at the Terrorist Malt Shop.
Tony: Oh, right. (laughs)
Michelle: Well, Tony and I will take the body down to the crime lab to run some more tests to see who shot, stabbed, strangled, smothered, and whacked the hell out of Marilyn Bauer. It was probably Audrey…
Audrey: ARGH!!!
Tony and Michelle pick up her body and leave the cell.
Audrey: Wait, how did you two get out?!
She attempts to leave but the cell is locked.
Audrey: Well, crap. I guess all I can do now is say…LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!
Terror Guard: Who are you talking to?
Audrey: ….nobody….
12:16:54, Tony and Michelle are running down the hallway, Tony trips and falls on his face. Michelle keeps running. / Doyle and Jack are riding in the elevator to the cafeteria, dancing to 'Baby Got Back' / Nadia spilled syrup on herself, she leaves for the restroom / Morris and Milo are playing 'Monopoly Junior' / Bill eats a snow cone
At the International Counter Terrorist House Of Pancakes Unit.
Tom: Okay, Karen. I have a plan.
Karen: I hope it's better than your last one!
Tom: I didn't have a last one, this is my first plan.
Karen: Oh.
Tom: We have to get back into the White House.
Karen: That's your plan?! Thank God you're not the director of CTU…
Tom: I WASN'T FINISHED YET! Anyway, we need to get rid of that purple sack of crap and that bird.
Karen: Birdie the early bird!?
Tom: Yes.
Karen: What should we do?
Tom: Well, for some strange reason the McTeleporter is right outside. We can take it 'back' to the White House, frame Grimace and Birdie in something scandalous. Then we'll have our old jobs back for being so loyal.
Karen: Sounds like a plan!
She grabs Tom's hands and connects their rings.
Karen: Wonder Twin Powers, ACTIVATE!
Tom: What?..
Karen: Form of….uh,…..uuh….cheese?
Karen transforms into a block a cheese.
Tom: Good going, now I have to carry you.
He picks up the block of Karen and carries her to the teleporter.
Nadia (to Bill): Where's she going?
Bill: Something about a couch….
Meanwhile, Kim is running from the terrorists.
Kim: Man, I better hide somewhere, or they'll find me for sure.
She notices a house with a sign.
SIGN: BABYSITTER FOR ABUSIVE FATHER AND BRATTY CHILD WANTED. YOU GET TO LIVE HERE AND DO NOT GET PAID, EVER!
Kim: Oooh, sounds like my dream job. I'll take it.
She runs into the home, the terrorists drive by, just missing her.
Father: Oh hello, you're hired.
Kim: Oh, great!
Father: Now, run upstairs and take care of my bratty daughter. I'll be upstairs shortly to throw her against the bed, you two run away, I chase you, then eventually get shot. You know the drill.
Kim: Oh, I'm experienced in that sort of thing. See you in a little bit.
At the Adam Logan Chicken Fry Palace Corporate Office Cafeteria With All You Can Eat Buffet And Sushi Bar.
Jack: I. Am. Stuffed.
Doyle: Ugh, I'm gonna throw up….
Jack: But it was a delicious meal.
Doyle: Indeed.
Jack's phone rings.
Jack: Oh crap I hope it's not Chloe, I can't stand talking to her in a time like this.
Chloe (on the phone): Jack, you've already answered the phone and I can hear you, you ass!
Jack: AAAH! (He hangs up the phone and throws it across the cafeteria, bonking a waitress in the head.
Man: OH MY GOD! She's dead!
Woman: Call 911!
Other Man: Somebody get CSI!!!
Jack: God, it's noisy in here.
Doyle's phone rings.
Doyle: Yup? Okay.
He hands the phone to Jack.
Doyle: It's for you.
Jack: Please say it's not Chloe.
Doyle: Uh…It's not Chloe.
Jack: Oh good.
He grabs the phone.
Chloe: Jack, it's Chloe.
Jack: AAAH!!! (He throws the phone, bonking another waitress in the head)
Man: OH MY GOD! She's dead too!
Woman: CALL 911!
Other Man: Who the hell keeps throwing phones!
The host comes over.
Host: Sir, I have a 'Chloe O'Brien' on the phone for you.
Jack: Ah, crap. Can you bring the phone here so I can throw it at a waitress?
Host: No, get off your ass and come to the lobby, and quit murdering my staff!
Jack: Geez, testy….
Jack walks into the lobby and answers the phone.
Jack: Yes, Chloe?
Chloe: Jack, before you interrupt me again. I have some information for you….wait, are you two eating!?
Jack: No… (he shoves a chicken nugget into his mouth).
Chloe: You fat asses just ate 2 stuffed French toast down at IHOP….oh forget it. Anyway, I dug up some information on Charles Logan to see what he's up to. He's working in cahoots with Mandy!
Jack: Who?
Chloe: Mandy, secret assassin who blew up an airplane to get Martin Belkin's ID in season 1, attempted to assassinate David Palmer at the end of season 2, and kidnapped Tony in season 4.
Jack: Oh her….
Chloe: And…IMA MOLE!!!
Bill: YOU'RE WHAT!?
Nadia: Guards!
A group of security guards tackle Chloe…-whap-
Chloe: ACK!!!
Morris: Dahling, I think she's referring to the girl who blew up CTU a couple of hours ago.
Bill: Oh, right. (laughs)
The guards get off Chloe.
Chloe (dusting herself off): Anyway, Jack. I need you and Doyle to find Logan's private hideout and interrogate him. He lives at 123 fake street.
Jack: Excuse me?
Chloe: Legal purposes.
Jack: oh. Okay, We're on it.
Chloe: Good.
Chloe hangs up the phone.
Milo: Chloe, how do you know all this stuff? Surely you didn't get all that from a computer.
Chloe: Well, I'm just that good.
Milo: I think it's possible you may be….A WITCH!
Customers: OH MY GOD, WITCH!!!!
A villagers run into IHOP and take Chloe away.
Chloe: HEY!
Customer 1: Push her off a cliff!
Customer 2: Burn her at the stake!
Customer 3: Make her watch 'The Facts Of Life Goes To Paris'!
Chloe: Damn you, Milo! (They take her away)
Bill: I call her bacon!
Nadia: I got her toast!
Everyone lunges for Chloe's plate to steal her food.
12:29:03, Mandy pulls up to Charles Logan's house in an Ice Cream Van. She gets out and walks to the door.
Logan: Mandy, come in, my dear.
She walks in.
Logan: Mandy, meet Ima Mole. (They shake hands).
Logan walks over and turns on a overhead display of Ronald McDonald.
Logan: Okay, here's the plan. There are terrorists who we are not affiliated with who are going to assassinate the president at 4:00 today. We could care less, but my bosses are going to offer us a large sum of money to take care of it ourselves. CTU is on to us, so we will have to act quickly.
Ima: But I blew up CTU a couple of episodes ago.
Logan: Yes, but they've been continuing their operations in the IHOP across the street.
Ima: Hmm..
Logan: Now, we will assassinate the president with an explosive device. My technicians have been working on it for the past couple of months. I present to you…THE KAT-9!
Mandy and Ima look around.
Mandy: Where is it?
Logan: Oh, on the counter.
Mandy walks over and picks it up.
Mandy: Uh, this is an 'Easy Bake Oven'.
Logan: It LOOKS like an 'Easy Bake Oven', but it's really a nasty explosive device with a 1000 mile blast radius!
Mandy: Uh….(She sets it down).
Logan: Now, we will be in disguise and present the 'oven' as a gift to the president at the press conference. We hit 'start' on the oven, which will set the 30 second timer, and run like hell.
Ima: Question!
Logan: Yes, Ima.
Ima: How do we escape a 1000 mile blast radius in 30 seconds?
Logan: Hmm…..okay new plan.
Mandy rolls her eyes.
Logan: We will get someone to build a remote that can detonate the oven from far away.
Mandy: Can't you get your technicians to build it?
Logan: They're on vacation until…6:00.
Ima: Well, that's convenient….
Logan: Hmm, in fact. I think someone from CTU would be the perfect choice to build the remote.
Mandy: Who.
Logan: Morris O'Brien!!
Ima: GASP!
Logan: You see I tried to have him kidnapped in episode 1 but my stupid henchmen grabbed Jack Bauer instead, then drove off a cliff…and the whole thing was a mess.
Ima: So, how do we kidnap O'Brien?
Logan: Well, someone will have to sneak into CTU, and get his attention.
Ima: Well it can't be me since I've already been a mole once today.
Mandy: And CTU knows what I look like since I kidnapped Tony back in Season 4.
Logan: Okay, then I'll do it.
Mandy: Yes, because they have no clue who you are! I have a better chance of walking in there.
Logan: Oh, don't worry. I have an ace up my sleeve. (He walks over to the closet and grabs one of Martha's dresses) Which is better, Blue, or Pink?
Mandy and Ima look at each other nervously.
At Kim's babysitting job.
Kim: Yay, being a babysitter is fun.
Bratty Child: WEEEEE!!!
Kim: Okay, I'm done…
The police bust in.
Officer: You're under arrest.
Kim: What?
Officer (screaming): I SAID 'YOU'RE UNDER ARREST'…
Kim: ow…I heard you….
Officer: Were busting up this drug ring!
Kim: What the hell are you talking about? This is a perfectly clean house. There are no drugs in here!
Father: Well actually…(He walks over and opens the closet door, a truckload of drugs, bags, and pipes fall onto the floor.
Kim: Holy Crap! Well, take the father away, the child didn't do anything.
Child: Well, actually. (She goes and opens up her Barbie Dream House, several bags of cocaine fall out.
Kim: Good grief….well, at least let me go. You can't arrest Kimberly Bauer!
Officer: Did you say….Kimberly Bauer?
Kim: YES! YES I DID!!!
The officer looks at the script where it says in bold print: ARREST KIM BAUER FOR DRUG POSSESSION.
Officer: Oh goody, were at the right place. Cuff em.
Kim: ACK!
The police handcuff Kim and escort her out of the house.
Kim: I'm cursed, I swear….
At The Terror Morgue
Tony: So Doc, what do you think?
Doctor: Uh, well…..she's dead.
Michelle: Thanks, Nancy Drew. How did she die!?
Doctor: You're kidding, right? This woman has been shot, stabbed…..
Tony & Michelle: …smothered, strangled, and whapped.
Michelle: Who killed her?
Doctor: Uh, I just work on the dead bodies, it's your job to figure out who did it.
Michelle: Oh.
Tony: That sucks.
Michelle: This CSI thing is harder than we thought.
Tony: Well, let's check and see if there are any fingerprints on her.
Michelle: Good idea.
Doctor: ugh…(he walks off)
12:37:32, Jack and Doyle arrive at Logan's. Jack steps out of the car, hiding behind the door.
Jack: This is CSI!...er wait,…CTU! Federal Agent! Come out with your hands up!
Doyle: I don't think they can hear you from here.
Jack: You're right. Better go ring the doorbell.
They walk up to the door and ring the bell.
Speaker: Thank you for visiting Charles Logan's secret hideout, we're not home at the moment. If this is Jack, do not go back to IHOP yet…we're busy.
Jack: That's a clue, there must be something in here. (He busts down the door).
Doyle: Jack look!
Jack: What is it?
Doyle: It's the blueprints for a bomb!
Jack: That doesn't mean anything.
Doyle: It says, 'Easy Bake Nuclear Kat 9 device that will obliterate anything in a 1000 mile radius with the push of a button'.
Jack: Ok, you might be on to something.
The phone rings.
Jack: Oh Christ, if it's Chloe I'm going to scream.
He picks up the phone.
Terrorist: Mr. Logan?
Jack: No, this is Jack Bauer, federal agent.
Terrorist: Oh, I might have the wrong number. I hang up now.
Doyle slaps Jack on the arm.
Jack: OH! I mean, This is Charles Logan speaking.
Terrorist: Oh good. I called you back to give you an update, the prisoners are doing fine. 2 of them are doing something in the crime lab, and Mrs. Raines is fast asleep in her cell.
Jack: Audrey's imprisoned?! I, Jack Bauer federal agent, must do something.
Terrorist: WHO!?
Jack: Uh, I mean Charles Logan.
Terrorist: Oh, ok. See you in a little bit. Oh, and if you forget how to get into the base the code is…'3'.
Jack: That's simple.
Doyle nods.
Jack: Okay, bye now.
He hangs up.
Jack: Let's roll, Mike. We have to save Audrey, and I guess the other 2 people who are captured as well.
They run out of the house.
At the White House, Tom and Karen materialize outside.
Karen: Man, that was a long trip.
Tom: Okay.
The sneak up to the window and peek in.
Tom: There's Grimace. Go in there and seduce him, I'll take the photo.
Karen: I have to seduce Grimace?!
Tom: Yes, now get your butt in there.
Karen opens the window and falls into the room.
Grimace: Duh…..
Karen: Uh….hey there, hot stuff.
Grimace: Uh…..
Karen: How about we….uh…..go make ourselves a Happy Meal?
Tom grimaces with disgust. (How ironic).
Tom: Man, this is almost as lame as Lisa Miller's romp.
Karen: Oops. Accidentally poured sweet and sour sauce…all over my body.
Tom: This is getting absurd…
Grimace: DUH……UH…….
Grimace falls over dead. –KLUMP-
Karen: Uh oh.
Tom: Ah hell.
Tom climbs in the window.
Tom: Karen, you weren't supposed to kill him!
Ronald McDonald and the secret service enter.
Ronald: Oh my god, you killed Grimace!
Karen: Oh my god, they caught us!
Tom: Oh my god, now the secret service shows up!?! Where the hell were they in the first 4 episodes?!
Ronald: Seize them!
The guards apprehend Tom and Karen and take them away.
Karen: Now I'm never going to be on time for the school dance!
Tom: Oh, shut up…..
12:46:33, Jack and Doyle fight over who gets to drive / Chloe is about to be pushed off a cliff / Tony and Michelle are pretending to play 'Operation' with Marilyn's body / A car pulls up to ICTHOPU Logan in a gaudy looking dress steps out.
Chloe: This sucks.
Sabrina: Psst. Hey, I can get us out of here, just do what I say and we can live through this.
Chloe: Oh my god, It's Sabrina, The Teenage Witch! I just love you..
Villager: WITCH!
Someone runs up and pushes Sabrina off the cliff.
Sabrina: AAAAAAHHHHHHH –SPLAT-
Chloe: Oh crap…..
Meanwhile,
Tony: Okay, Michelle, I'm going for the funny bone.
Michelle: Just don't touch the sides, Tony. Hee hee…
Tony starts to go in when Marilyn abruptly sits up straight.
Marilyn: AAHH!!
Tony & Michelle: AAAAHH!!
Marilyn: AAAAHH!!
Tony & Michelle: AAAH!!
Tony grabs a bedpan and whacks Marilyn with it. –KWACK!-
Michelle: Tony!? What the hell did you do that for!? She was alive!
Tony: Uh…..no she wasn't. She was a…..zombie?
Michelle: Let's get the hell out of here.
Terrorist: Grab them.
Michelle: Oh, yea, I forgot about them.
Logan walks into IHOP.
Bill: Hello.
Logan: Hello, my name is……
Logan looks out the window, Ima holds up a sign that says 'Helga'.
Logan: Helga……uh….Helga….von….Glockenspiel. I need a job.
Bill: Pleased to meet your acquaintance, Ms. Glockenspiel. You're hired. Let me show you around.
Logan: Oh goody, I have the job.
Bill: Yes, we needed to replace one of our top computer analyst people, she just got taken away for a witch trial.
Logan: How awful.
Bill: Okay, these are the tables where the customers sit. The bathrooms are down the hall to your right. The room to the left is a secluded room in case if you needed to kidnap someone, but I doubt you would need to do that. Ha ha ha.
Logan: Oh, yes…ha ha ha……
Bill: Okay, let's see. Ah, Morris?
Morris: Yes, dahling?
Bill: Show Ms. Glockenspiel around. Avoid the back room on the left, we would hate for you to get kidnapped and forced to do something against your will.
Morris: Okay.
Morris and Logan proceed to the back.
Morris: Would you like to go to the restroom?
Logan: How about this room.
Morris: Okay.
They walk into the room, Logan bashes a coffee pot over Morris' head. Logan gets on a walkie talkie.
Logan: Mission complete. You two come back here.
Logan drags Morris' body to a door that leads outside. He opens it, Mandy helps Logan throw Morris into the back of a van.
Logan: We're done, let's get out of here.
They hop back into the van and drive off.
Kim is in the police car, on her way to prison.
Officer: What's that smell?
He pulls over and walks to the trunk and opens it to find the mother of the bratty child, killed.
Kim hops out of the car, she wasn't restrained anymore for some reason.
Kim: OH MY GOD, HE KILLED HER!!!!
Officer: How he managed to stuff her body in my trunk is a bizarre mystery indeed. Aw man, she's crushing my groceries.
While he was occupied, Kim sneaks away and runs into the forest. She stops for a second.
Kim: Whew, that was close….ACK!
She gets her foot trapped in a bear trap like device.
Kim: OW DAMMIT!
A man walks up.
The Man: Yay, dinner!
Kim: Uh oh.
Suddenly, a cougar swoops down and pounces on the man, shredding him to death.
Kim: Uh…
Cougar: Are you okay, Miss?
Kim: Oh my god, you just killed that guy…..and you can talk!
Cougar: It's not safe here, and I'm sure a nuclear bomb is about to go off and kill everyone. Let us go back to my shelter and we will be safe from the blast.
Kim: Well, okay.
The screen splits down at 12:55:23, Kim walks into the forest as the cougar opens a book titled 'Recipes For Cooking Bauer…In 1 hour', and has a picture of Kim roasting in a crock pot. He licks his lips then hides the book / Jack and Doyle arrive at the Terrorist Prison and input the code, they bust in / Chloe is getting prepared to be burned at the stake in the witch hunt / Morris is unconscious in the back of the van with Logan, Ima, and Mandy / The terrorists drag Michelle and Tony to their car and throw them in / Karen and Tom are locked away in prison by committing McTreason / Ronald McDonald stares out a window in his room / Audrey is in the fetal position in her cell / Bill, Nadia, and Milo are having a food fight, shortly before getting banned from IHOP.
Jack runs up to the cell.
Jack: Audrey, are you okay!?
He opens the door and sits next to Audrey.
Audrey: Help me, Obi Wan Kinobi. You're my only hope.
Jack: Say what?
Audrey: Help me, Obi Wan Kinobi. You're my only hope.
Doyle: Oh crap, she's broken!
Audrey: Help me, Obi Wan Kinobi. You're my only hope.
Jack: Audrey, stop being a turd and snap out of it!
Doyle: Uh, do you think she has amnesia?
Jack: Well, we better take her back to IHOP.
In another Terrorist Car.
Michelle: Where are you taking us?
Terror Driver: …
The Driver answers the phone.
Driver: Yes, I did capture the escapees. I am bringing them to you now, will you be able to get O'Brien to make the device? Ok, good.
Michelle: This looks bad.
Tony: Driver, can we stop somewhere, I need to pee.
Driver: You should have went before we captured you.
Tony: Aww nuts.
Back at Ronald's room.
Ronald McDonald (on the phone): Yes, I'll be up there tomorrow morning to sign the divorce papers. Okay, yes, and I want to divorce her because she's evil, I mean she tried to make Penny sleep with me! Penny! Surely she could have gotten someone better, it's just unforgivable. And another thing, I…..urk….
A rope flings over Ronald's neck, he tries to grasp for it but he slumps to the floor. Someone wearing a glove picks up the phone and puts it back on the receiver. The mysterious killer walks out of the room, closing the door….
12:59:57
12:59:58
12:59:59
1:00:00
Fred: Another dead president…why am I not surprised?
Paul: Now's the perfect time to get Kim sworn in as president again!
Fred: Why haven't I fired you yet?
NEXT TIME ON: 24!
Nadia wakes up in her bed.
Nadia: Man, it sure is a beautiful morning.
Nadia rolls over to find the Burger King holding a tray of breakfast.
Nadia: GAK!
Burger King: Croissan'Wich?
Nadia: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
She grabs her lamp and starts beating the Burger King to death with it. –WHAP! WHAP! SMACK!-
-AND-
Karen: Mmmm. I can sure go for some Skittles. AH! A Rainbow!
Karen walks up to a rainbow and starts to shake it, skittles fall out.
Rainbow Brite walks up to Karen.
Rainbow Brite: What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Karen: Back off, hot pants! I'm getting my Skittle fix.
Rainbow Brite: Get the hell out of Rainbowland, you psycho!
Karen (stuffing skittles in her mouth): Come on, bitch, bring it!
Rainbow Brite summons her guards, who drag Karen away.
Karen: NO! Mama's gotta have her Skittles! You monster!! You won't get away with this!
Rainbow Brite: God, what a nutjob…
-AND-
Chloe and Ima stand face to face, their swords drawn.
Chloe: Didn't we kinda face off like this in another 'Next Time On 24' clip?
Ima: Yea, we did.
Chloe: I wonder why we never fought yet.
Ima: Who knows?
Chloe: Oh well, LET'S FIGHT!
Ima: HYYYYYYYAAAAA!!!!
Chloe: YAKAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAHHHH!!!
-Tink- -Tink-
Ima: Man, these swords are heavy.
Chloe: No kiddin…
-AND-
Phillip Bauer enters the room where his son Graem Bauer is being interrogated.
Phillip: I know my son is involved with terrorist activity. Can we have a moment alone?
Guard: Sure. (He leaves)
Graem: Hi dad!
Phillip shoots him
Phillip: HELP! My son has just been shot!
The paramedics run in.
Phillip: You morons are trying to kill my son. If anything happens to him, you'll regret it for the rest of your life!
Medic: Way too suspicious….
-AND FINALLY-
Some goons open up the lid to a giant container on the moon.
Evil goon: Our queen, Rita Repulsa, is free!
Nina Myers pops out.
Nina: I'm FREE!!!!
Goldar: Who the hell are you?
Nina: Uh, I'm Nina Myers. When Jack shot me at the end of Season 3, he dumped my body in this space dumpster.
Master Vile: Well, then where is our queen?
Nina: Well, I kinda got hungry down there so….
Goldar: YOU ATE OUR QUEEN!?
Nina: Hey, a girl's got to get her nutrition somehow! Geez…but never mind that. I am free, so NOW WE CAN CONQUER EARTH!!!
Goons: Hooray.
Bill Buchanan, who is a giant head in a tube, is concerned.
Bill: Milo, the befuddled idiot robot. Nina Repulsa has escaped! We must get 5 teenagers to save the day, pronto.
Milo: On it!
Suddenly, 5 clueless teenagers get transported from their normal lives, from now on they become….THE MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!!
Song: Go Go Power Rangers!!!
STARRING: Jack Bauer…as….Bill?
Jack: What?
GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!
Chloe O'Brien as……Susan…
Chloe: I don't think there's a Susa….
GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!
Tony Almeida as……..Michelangelo..
Tony: Wrong show, pal…
GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!
Michelle Dessler as…….Helga
Michelle: Whatever.
GO GO POWER RANGERS!! MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!
And Morris O'Brien as……..Skippy.
Morris: Seriously, Dahling…
Jack: Let's morph into our animal robot things!
Rangers: YAY!
Jack: It's Morphin Time! Pterodactyl!
Chloe: Saber Tooth Tiger!
Tony: Kitty Cat!
Michelle: Walrus!
Morris: and, HEART!!!!
The others look at Morris.
Morris: Oh, were we not doing 'Captain Planet' anymore, I get so confused….
They transform into the SuperZoidZordMegaBotThing.
Jack: Let's go save the city!
The giant robot takes a step.
Nina: I will get you, Power Rangers….ACK! –SQUISH-
Chloe: What was that?
Jack: I'm sure it was nothing…keep walking.
A BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24 NEXT WEEK….beep…..beeep….beepp…beep….beppp…beep….beepp….