The 24 Parody Project: Episode 7
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS
There's no one here.
Sweepy The Janitor: They went to lunch. Hmm, what's this?
He notices a blank piece of paper on the desk, which reads "THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF 24, WE HAVE NOTHING!".
Sweepy: Let's see….(he grabs a pencil, and starts writing down some crap).
Sweepy: Excellent….mwa ha ha….
-LATER-
Fred: Yum, what a good lunch.
Paul: Yup.
Sam: Indeed.
Jack bursts in.
Jack: Federal Agent, scumbag! Put your hands behind your head!
Fred: WHAT THE HELL!? Why are…
Jack: You've made a mess of this office for the last time, I'm taking a stand for all the Janitors of the world!
Fred: Excuse me….?
Paul: Uh oh, look at this.
Paul shows Fred the copy of the script for this week's episode at the top of the page read, 'This week's episode of 24. Written By: Sweepy The Janitor'.
Fred: WHAT!? We've been wrote into the episode?!
Jack: You're under arrest, put both hands out.
The writers put their hands out.
Jack: Now put them back in.
Confused, they pull their hands back in.
Jack: Now put them back out.
They hold their hands out again.
Jack (singing): And you shake it all about! You do the hokey pokey and turn yourself arou…
Fred: I think it's time to look for a new janitor….
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
Beep…..beep…..beep……beep…….bebepbpepbepbepbepbpebpeepbbepe….24!!!
PREVIOUSLY ON 24:
-SWOOSH-
Karen: Oh my god! I got a Golden Ticket! I'm going to see Willy Wonka's chocolate factory! (KAREN HAYES, WHO DOESN'T DESERVE HER OWN SQUARE)
Karen: That was rude….
Police Officer: Uh, no, Mrs. Hayes…Mrs. Buchannan…whatever it's supposed to be. I gave you a ticket because you were speeding.
Karen: I wasn't going that fast!
Officer: You were going 95…..in a 25….. in a school zone….next to a construction site……and you mowed down 3 kids!
Karen: Uh oh, he's onto me, better hide.
Karen opens a box labeled 'Props Stolen From Harry Potter Set'.
Karen: Ah ha! Try to find me now, with the amazing power of The Invisibility Cloak!
She throws a giant ass quilt over her head.
Officer: I can still see you.
Karen: This quilt smells funny…
-SWOOSH-
President Suvarov: Mr. Buchanan, I trust CTU will be able to stop the terrorists in time…
Bill: No need to worry. Like our motto says: We Put The 'Error' In 'Counter Terrorist Unit'. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
Suvarov: That doesn't make me feel any better.
-SWOOSH-
Audrey: Jack, taking a vacation on this cruise was such a great idea. Though I've never heard of The Flying Dutchman before…
Davy Jones walks by.
Jack: Ew, what's wrong with your face? It's all tentacle-y.
Davy Jones: You have my box, I want it back!
Jack: Oh, this weird box with the beating heart in it?
Davy Jones: Yes. Give it to me at once!
Jack hands Davy Jones the chest.
Davy Jones: WHAT!? This box is filled with Beanie Babies!
Jack: But they're so cute!
Davy Jones: UNLEASH THE KRAKKEN!
Audrey: The what?
Suddenly, a giant tentacle crashes through the room. –CRASH!-
Jack: Aaaiiiieeee!!!! (JACK BAUER)
-AND-
Doyle: Jack, Audrey's screwed up in the head! We must make haste to CTU at once!
Tony: I call the shots here, Mike. Because I'm Jack Bauer, and I play by my own rules.
Doyle: Tony?! What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be kidnapped again.
Tony: Jack and Audrey are on some stupid cruise ship, so I got called in to take his place.
Doyle: But…oh forget it. My head hurts.
Tony: Federal Agent! Tell me where the bomb is! I'm running out of time! Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor not a Circus Clown! Heh heh, yea I can so be Jack Bauer.
Doyle: I hate the world…
-YEA, NONE OF THAT CRAP HAPPENED-
Jack: The following takes place between 1:00pm and 2:00pm.
At the Terrorist Prison.
Doyle: Jack, we have to get Audrey back to CTU, on the double!
Tony: Looks likes Team Rocket's blasting off again!
Doyle: Dammit Tony!
-Aaaand, rewind-
At the Terrorist Prison.
Doyle: Jack, we have to get Audrey back to CTU, on the double.
Jack: Audrey, speak to me!
Audrey: Help me Obi Wan Kinobi, you're my only hope.
Jack: Crap.
Doyle: Let's hurry Jack, before the terrorists find us.
Terrorists: Come out, come out! Wherever you are!
Jack grabs Audrey and they run out of the complex.
Audrey: Oh my head, Jack! Is that you! I remember everythi…
Jack spins around knocking Audrey's head against a dumpster. –WHAP!-
Jack: What was that?
Audrey: Damn that Jughead, he ate all my hamburgers. I don't see why Archie is friends with him, he's such an ass. Come on Veronica, let's go shopping…
Jack: Hmm…must have been the wind.
They run off.
Meanwhile, in a White House holding cell.
Tom: This is bad….uh, what are you doing?
Karen: Digging my way out.
Tom: You can't dig your way out.
Karen: You gotta believe, Tom. You just gotta believe.
Tom: Whatever.
Suddenly Secretary Penny enters, clearly upset.
Tom: Penny, why are you here. Didn't Ronald fire you in last week's episode for being an idiot?
Penny (weeping): -sniff-, yes. But…oh it's just awful…..
Karen: Oh no, don't tell me they're bringing 7th Heaven back for ANOTHER season! I can't take it anymore!
Penny: No, the president has…..has been murdered!
Tom and Karen look at each other.
Tom: Which one?
Penny: The president! Ronald!
Tom: WHAT!?
Karen: Honey, we know. Sherry Palmer came back as a robot and shot his crazy ass…
Tom: She's talking about McDonald, you fool!
Karen: Oh…..
Tom: Do you know who did it?
Penny: No, they're still investigating.
Tom: But wait, if you were fired, how did you get access into here.
Penny: I had….to do some stuff I wasn't proud of.
-FLASHBACK-
Penny walks up to the secret service.
Penny: Pez? (she holds up a Darth Vader Pez Dispenser.)
Guard: SURE!
He takes the candy, she runs for it.
-THAT WAS A LAME FLASHBACK, END-
Penny: Well, there's one person who I think it is, and I don't trust her!
Karen: It was Kim Bauer! I knew it!
Tom: Will you let her finish!?
Karen: Sorry…
Penny: I think it was Birdie, the Early Bird! In fact I'm almost positive.
Karen: How awful, that hoochie probably killed Grimace too!
Penny: No, that was you.
Tom: Yes.
Karen: Nobody has my back….
Barney Rubble: You have my support, Karen! Oops, better run…. (He grabs a bowl of cereal and starts to make a break for it)
Karen: BARNEY, MY PEBBLES!
She starts beating the crap out of Barney Rubble with a chair. –WHAP! WHAP! KWACK!-
Tom: I don't get her need to slaughter company mascots and children's cartoon characters.
Karen: Rainbow Brite is next.
Tom (to Penny): Please take me with you.
Suddenly a shot rang out, and Penny falls to the floor. Birdie is holding the smoking gun.
Karen: Birdie's holding the smoking gun!
I just said that…
Karen: Sorry.
Tom: Oh my god, you killed Penny!
Karen: You bastard!
Birdie: Yes, and I will kill you too. For you know too much.
Tom: We could use that secret service anytime now.
Birdie: I'm going to have to say goodbye, Mr. Lennox and Mrs…..is it Hayes or Buchannan?
Karen: I rotate back and forth.
Birdie: You won't be missed, I am much better as the head of the Department of Homeland Security.
Karen: Oooh, she told you.
Tom: SHE WAS TALKING TO YOU!!!
Karen: Ow…my feelings…
Birdie pulls the trigger. –BANG-….then falls to the floor.
Karen: Oh, it hurts! I'm a goner!
Tom: She shot me, moron…..
Karen: I feel your pain….wait, is she dead?
Noah Daniels is standing at the doorway holding a gun.
Tom: Vice President!
Karen: We're saved, except for Tom, but he's an acceptable loss…
Tom: Hey…..
Noah: It's good to see you alive.
Karen: But why aren't you dead?
Noah: I regained consciousness about 5 minutes ago.
Tom: Uh, should you be walking? Oh well, you saved our butts.
Noah: Well yea, I'll be fine though. Now come on, since I'm actually President now, we have a speech to prepare for.
Tom: You can't be serious. You just woke up from a coma after nearly being killed, and you want to go with the press conference in a couple of hours, in which you'll probably get killed.
Noah: Tom, this isn't just a press conference. I, along with the President of Australia are joining forces, and signing a 'Best Friends Forever' treaty. If we back down now, Australia will hate us forever!
Tom: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!
Karen: Hey, I dug myself out. Bye suckers! (She crawls off)
1:08:22, Jack & Doyle are still driving to CTU / Chloe is in Witch prison / Kim is sitting in the Cougar's living room / Bill and Milo are clapping each others hands.
Bill and Milo (singing): Miss Susie had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell. Miss Susie sat upon it, and broke her little ASK me no more questions, tell me no more lies. And if you disconnect me, the steamboat went to HELLO operator, there was a piece of glass, the boys were in the bathroom, the steamboat had a HELLO operator, give me number nine, Miss Susie had a steamboat, the steamboat went BEHIND the refrigerator, the steamboat had a bell, Miss Susie's in the bathroom, the steamboat had a…
Nadia: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!
Bill: How does the rest of the song go?
Nadia: If you're going to sing that stupid rhyme, at least get the words right, GOD!
Bill: Cranky…..
Meanwhile, at the Cougar's.
Cougar: We'll be safe here.
Kim: Yea.
Cougar: There's a nuclear bomb that's going to go off, and will destroy everything.
Kim: That's bad.
Cougar: Hey, would you like to see my underground shelter.
Kim: Why not?
The cougar leads Kim down a spirally staircase to a bomb shelter.
Kim: This is sort of impressive.
Cougar: Yea, it took me many years to build it….oh no! What's that?!
Kim: What?
Cougar: It…it cannot be….
Kim: WHAT?
Cougar: ….BOOM!!!
Kim: GASP!
Cougar: …..boom….boom…..kablammo!
Kim: Is that…..?
Cougar: Yes. The bomb! The earth is being destroyed!
Kim: Oh no!
Cougar: Don't worry, we'll start a new life down here.
Kim: That doesn't sound so bad….
Cougar: Let me get some stuff ready for……dinner.
Kim walks around and turns the tv on.
Reporter: It's clear and sunny today, with a 0 chance of a nuclear attack. So local idiots should be careful from evil Cougars who are out to prey on the stupid, and have a full course meal to boot.
Kim: Boring!
Reporter: THAT MEANS YOU, KIM BAUER!
Kim: EEP!
Kim runs up the stairs, she almost makes it to the door when the cougar stops her.
Cougar: Where do you think you're going? We still need to eat dinner!
Kim: NO! You can't eat me! I taste bitter!
Cougar: WHAT!? I wasn't going to eat you!
Kim: You weren't? But, I saw your recipe book…
Cougar: 'The Joy Of Cooking FOR Bauer…in 1 hour'?
Kim: Oh, well I feel stupid.
Cougar: I feel stupid…because I haven't realized this before….but…..I love you.
Kim: I love you too.
Cougar: Will you marry me?
Kim: YES! I will! Let's have a hundred kids.
Cougar: They'll be hideous, but whatever! To the chapel!
Kim and The Cougar get married, and have 112 hideous looking children. Kim wins the lottery and her and the cougar move into a castle. Jack saves the day when he gets superpowers from radiation exposure, deploying all the terrorists into space, and the cast of 24 lived happily ever after…..THE END…..god, this again? THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
Cougar: Man, what did they do to you in the Terrorist Prison?
Kim: Some tests….
Cougar: You know what, just go……I'll be fine.
Kim: Oh okay. Can I get a ride to CTU?
Cougar: Ugh…fine, hop on.
Kim gets on the cougar and they ride off into the sunset….at 1:13:41…..hmm.
A car pulls up to the popular motel 'Pros Ti Toosh Inn'. It's French…..
Tony: No it's not! What a stupid name for a motel….
Guard: Quiet you.
The guards pull Tony and Michelle out of the car and drag them into the motel.
Tony: This place smells funny.
Tony and Michelle are escorted through the halls of The Pros Ti Toosh Inn, up a set of stairs and to room '122', the guard knocks on the door. Logan answers.
Tony & Michelle: GASP! Charles Logan!...Hey we just said that at the same time….stop copying me…..shut up…..you shut up……stop it…..I'm telling……
Logan: Bring them in.
Tony and Michelle get thrown on the ground near the bed. Morris is across from them sitting against the wall.
Michelle: Morris!
Morris: Hello Dahling.
Tony: What are you doing here?
Morris: Well, you see that Easy Bake Oven looking thing on the bed right above you, that's a nasty bomb.
Michelle: eep.
Morris: And now they're forcing me against my will to build a detonator to blow it up, and kill the president.
Tony: At 4:00, Charles Logan's the terrorist!
Michelle: We knew that already.
Tony: Oh…
Logan: Now, O'Brien, I'm running out of patience…and screen time. You will build the detonator or I will kill your friends!
Morris: Who them!? Nah….
Michelle: You traitorous sleaze ball!
Tony: You so aren't invited to my birthday party next week.
Michelle: You tell him, girlfriend!
They snap…whatever.
Logan: Silence! (He holds the gun up to Morris' head), now build!
Morris: NEVER!...dahling.
Logan: That's it. Mandy, proceed…
Mandy: Sure….uh oh.
Tony: HEY, IT'S YOU!
Michelle: Yea, you're that skank who kidnapped Tony in Season 4!
Mandy: Uh….uh….no I'm not…..
Michelle: You sure? Oh, my bad. It was probably Chloe.
Tony: Yea, she has the hots for me.
Michelle: I'm sure she does.
Mandy (To Morris): You better start talking…
She takes a screwdriver and starts to rotate it into Morris' shoulder.
Morris: Uh….
Logan: Couldn't you find something more intimidating?
Mandy: It's all I have.
Logan: Ugh….well, shoot him in the foot.
Mandy grabs the gun and pulls the trigger…..and nothing.
Mandy: No bullets!
Logan: No electric screwdriver, no bullets! We suck. Ima, run to the store and get some bullets, or a power drill, whatever comes first. We're running out of time.
Michelle: Isn't that Jack's line?
Tony: Can you grab me a Hostess Cupcake?
Ima: No.
Tony: Aww…..
Meanwhile, at the Los Angeles Witch Trials, Chloe is about to be burned at the stake.
Chloe: Yes, I am still in this stupid sub-plot and Chloe has NOT been rescued yet, what's going on here?!
Officer Bob: Chloe O'Brien! You are guilty of being witch and in violation of Los Angeles witch laws. Violation is punishable by burning at the stake.
Chloe: I'm pretty sure this isn't in my contract.
The villagers light the fire which starts to burn Chloe.
Chloe: ACK! It's HOT! THIS SUCKS!
-SIZZLE!-
1:18:11, Chloe burns to a crisp / Jack and Doyle pull into CTU, carrying Audrey into the building / Ima is running next door to 7-11 for bullets, uh they shouldn't have those there / Bill and Milo are attempting to play 'Backgammon'.
Bill: How the hell do you play this game!?
Milo: I'm so confused.
Jack and Doyle burst through the main hall. Jack has Audrey draped over his shoulder.
Bill: Jack, what happened?
Jack: I don't know, the terrorists did something to Audrey in prison, and now she's in a state of catatonic shock.
Audrey: I'm actually okay. I remember everythi….
Jack spins around, knocking Audrey against a desk. –BONK!-
Audrey: oooh, pretty kitty…..here kitty kitty…..
Jack: Must have been the wind.
Bill: Okay, just throw her in the medical room for now. We have bigger issues to tackle with.
Jack drops Audrey. –SPLAT!-
Jack: Issues?! What kind of issues?
Bill: While you two were out finding information on Charles Logan, Morris has been kidnapped and is forced to build a remote detonation device for a Kat-9 explosive which is supposed to kill the president in a couple of hours.
Milo: How do you know all that? WITCH!!! WITCH!!!!
Bill pulls a gun out and shoots Milo. –BANG-
Milo: Urk….
Bill: Anyway…you must find out where Logan is holding him. Hey Milo…
Milo gets back up.
Milo: Yup, I got it. We tracked a phone trace from a payphone to the motel 'The Pros Ti Toosh Inn'….it's French.
Doyle: Uh….no it's not…..
Bill: You better hurry, because if Logan gets a hold of that remote, we can forget about getting renewed for another season.
Nadia: Could you please try to stay in character?
Meanwhile, Chloe wakes up…
Chloe: What? I'm alive, I thought I was burnt at the stake.
A man in a black cloak approaches her.
Chloe: Are you serious? Are you supposed to be 'Death'?
Death: I'm actually…..(he takes off his hood)…..George Mason!!! Duhn! Duhn! Duuuuuhn!
Chloe: Oh crap! Not you…..
George: What?
Chloe: You're not going to reveal yourself as post-op transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you?
George: No, Chloe. I have an important message for you.
Chloe: I'm dead?
George: Well, that. And you must come with me, for you have a lot of work to do.
Chloe: What!? What kind of work.
George: As….'A Grim Reaper!'
Chloe: You must be joking.
George: I wish I was.
Chloe: Wait….does that mean you're a grim reaper?
George: Well, somebody has to control all the dying in '24'. And being the grim reaper, it's our job to make sure to keep the natural order of things.
Chloe: Oh good grief….
1:24:21, Ima is running to her 8th 7-11 in search of bullets / Bill is working a lemonade stand / Jack & Doyle are driving / Karen is putting on a puppet show.
Karen: And now, 24 Marionette Theater!
She pulls out a Jack Bauer and a Chloe O'Brien puppet doll.
Karen (in a deep voice): Blargh! I'm Jack Bauer! This is the longest day of my life. Events occur in real time.
Karen (in an even lower pitched voice): Blargh! I'm Chloe, I'm a grumpy guss. I know about computer stuff. Blah blah blah Floppy disk blah blah Windows XP!
Tom: That was just horrible.
Noah: My eyes and ears are burning. Anyway, we have to get ready for the teleconference.
Noah, Karen, and Tom enter a room with a huge screen.
Noah: Start the teleconference.
The President of Australia comes on the screen.
Noah: Hello, Mr. President.
President Of Australia: Hello, President Daniels. I hope everything is going as planned for the press conference…that isn't televised like this one. So we can sign out 'peace' treaty.
Noah: Yes.
President Of Australia: Good. See you then. Bye. –click-
Noah: That's it?
Tom: I was expecting that to be longer.
Karen: What a waste of $13 million dollars of the taxpayer's money.
Noah: There goes my presidency for the next season.
Karen: That is if you aren't killed at 4:00 first.
Noah: Thank you Karen, I feel much better now.
Karen: You're welcome!
Meanwhile, at a 'Adam Logan's Chicken Fry Palace'.
Chloe: Why are we here?
George: This is your first assignment as a grim reaper in training.
Chloe: From a computer tech to a grim reaper, this is what I've become. I knew I should have taken the role of the snooty next door neighbor on 'Two and A Half Men'.
George: Now, here's how this works. Your target is going to die soon, you must 'reap' their soul before their demise or it will be trapped in the lifeless body forever and we'll get written up by the powers that be, got it.
Chloe: I guess.
George: Now, that man over there. A 'gargoyle' statue is going to fall down and crush him to death, go up to him and stroke a part of his body to 'reap' the soul then you're done.
Chloe: A 'gargoyle'?
George: Just go.
Chloe walks over to the man.
Chloe: Hi, can I touch you?
The man looks up from his basket of chicken.
Man: Uh…I guess so.
Chloe strokes the man's arm, reaping his soul.
Chloe: Okay, watch for falling statues, enjoy your lunch.
She walks back to George.
Chloe: How did I do?
George: You did well for your first time, death is an important part of how the world works. Our job is done here.
-CRASH-
People outside: Oh my god! A gargoyle statue just fell on that man! He's going to miss out on today's specials!
George: Uh oh.
Chloe: I reaped the wrong guy!?
George: What…oh heaven's no, that belonged to someone else.
Chloe looks over to the man at the table who's face down in his chicken basket.
Chloe: What about that guy?
George: Our job here is done, let's go.
They walk out.
A car pulls up to the Pros Ti Toosh Inn. Jack and Doyle get out.
Jack: Here we are.
Doyle: At last.
Jack: Okay, Morris is in one of these buildings.
Doyle: Jack, there are over 30 rooms, it will take forever for us to find them!
Jack: Hmm. Where to start?
Suddenly, a random guy pokes his head out the window.
Guy: Will you two keep it down over there!? I'm on my honeymoon! Geez, it sounds like you're torturing someone over there!
Doyle: JACK!
Jack: I know……
Doyle: They have a continental breakfast!
Jack: Let's be on our way!
They run into the motel.
Inside at 1:36:22
Logan: Dammit! CTU found us.
Morris: There! It's complete.
Logan: Good. Now that we have no use for you, Mandy will take care of you, wait what happened to Ima?
Mandy gets off her cell phone.
Mandy: She appears to be stuck in the line at JC Penny's.
Logan: Wow, I didn't know they sold bullets there! Well, we don't have time to wait.
Logan walks out of the room and next door. He knocks.
A strange man opens the door.
Man: What?
Logan: Do you have a gun I can borrow, kind sir?
Man: Sure.
The man reaches over to a drawer and pulls out a gun, he hands it to Charles.
Logan: Many thanks.
Logan returns to the bedroom as Jack and Doyle chow down on pancakes at the motel continental breakfast.
Clerk: Uh, this breakfast is only for guests who are staying at the motel.
Jack: Uh…yes were here as guests, check your list.
Clerk: Okay, what's your name?
Jack: Oh crap. Uh…Robert……and….Josephine……WeinerSchnitzel.
Clerk (to Doyle): You don't look like a 'Josephine'.
Jack: Yes, I've been telling my darling wife that she has been looking quite mannish lately.
Doyle: Well! I never!
He slaps Jack with his purse. –WHAP!-
Doyle: Where the hell did this purse come from?
Robert WeinerSchnitzel: Hello! We'll be checking out of our rooms now!
Clerk: HEY!
Jack: Uh oh! We're busted! Run before she calls the cops!
Doyle: Jack, we are the cops.
Jack: Oh right. You're under arrest!
Doyle: Jack, she didn't do anything!
Jack: Hmm. Okay, well. Cuff her now, we'll come back later. I'm sure she'll have done something scandalous by then.
Doyle handcuffs her, him and Jack take off down the hallway towards Logan's room.
Back in the room.
Logan: Okay, Ima is taking way too long. Here Mandy, take this gun and finish off O'Brien, then we can escape.
Tony: OOH! What about us? Don't forget about loveable Tony and Michelle!
Mandy: I was going to kill you afterwards.
Tony: Never mind. You can forget about loveable Tony and Michelle!
Michelle: Shut up.
Tony: Okay.
Logan: Forget it, they're down the hall. We go now!
Logan and Mandy escape with the remote out the window and down the fire escape ladder, it's only a 1 story motel so I don't see how that's possible, but oh well.
1:42:02, Meanwhile, at the Super Mart
Chloe: Why are we here?
George: This is your next target. A bomb is about to go off in a few minutes. You have to reap the souls of 'these people'.
George drops a list a mile long.
Chloe: This is over 300 people. There's no way I can do this.
George: Then you better start reaping.
Chloe: Well, you're a reaper! Can't you help me.
George: Well, I'm kinda 'off the clock' now. Besides, I have to go return this 'Strawberry Shortcake' alarm clock, it's too vulgar.
Chloe takes a breath and bolts through the store, slapping people left and right.
-SMACK-
Man: OW!
-SMACK-
Woman: The hell!
-WHACK-
Man: OOF!
-KRACK-
Boy: That lady broke my wookie!
-WAP-
Woman: ACK!
Meanwhile at the Customer Service Desk.
George: What do you mean, 'I can't return this'?
Clerk: Sir, you don't have a receipt. And you didn't even buy this here. It says 'Exclusively sold at 'Nina Myers' Store Of Antique Crap'.
George: Hmm….you've won this battle, Super Mart clerk….you won this battle.
Clerk: You just said that.
Chloe runs up, out of breath.
Chloe: GASP! WHEEZE! Okay….-huff-….-puff-….I did it.
George: Good job, Chloe, I should give you a promotion.
Chloe: Wonderful…..I'm so friggin thrilled.
George: Now we better get out of here, before the bomb goes off and kills everyone.
Clerk: WHAT?!
George: Oh, just kidding.
Clerk: That's good.
George: Don't forget to reap her too.
Clerk: WHAT?!
Chloe slides her hand down the Clerk's arm.
George: Another job well done.
-KA BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!-
Chloe: Uh…..
Man: Oh my god, somebody blew up a 'Payless Shoe Store'!
Woman: It's raining shoes! ACK! High Heels! They hurt! OW!
George: Hmm…..
Chloe: You made me do the wrong place again, didn't you?
George: Yea, you better put the souls back into those 300 people you just reaped or the powers that be will be really pissed.
Chloe: God I hate you…..
Back at Pros Ti Toosh Inn.
Jack and Doyle burst through the room.
Jack: Michelle!
Michelle: Jack!
Morris: Agent Doyle!
Doyle: Michelle!
Jack: Doyle!
Doyle: Tony!
Morris: Will somebody say my name for crying out loud!
Jack: Morris!
Morris: Thank you.
Jack: Did you build the device for them that can detonate the KAT-9.
Morris: Well, yea. I didn't want to be tortured, although I wouldn't really call it 'torture'.
Jack: You made it 'fake' right? You wouldn't have gave them a real device that can blow up the president and anything in a 1000 mile radius, will you?!
Morris: Of course not, dahling. I'm not that stupid.
Jack: That's a relief.
Morris: I hid the real detonator somewhere safe.
Jack: WHAT?! Why would you make a real one? Oh, well where did you hide it?
Meanwhile, in an escape car.
Mandy: What's this in my purse? Uh, it looks like another detonator.
Logan: What?
Mandy: It says 'Real Kat-9 Detonator, Not the fake one. Designed by Morris O'Brien, Age. 5'
Logan: Well, that's….weird. Then throw out the fake one then.
Mandy tosses it out the window.
And back at the Motel.
Jack: YOU PUT IT IN MANDY'S PURSE?!
Morris: Sorry dahling….
Jack: Well……well…..this sucks!
Doyle: We better get back to CTU Jack, it's only a little over 2 hours until the press conference!
Jack: RIGHT! I'll ask my niece Penny, she'll know what to do.
Penny: Uncle Jack! According to my super computer book, I'm getting no sign of what the terrorists will do next. Come on, Brain, let's go!
Brain, Penny's dog, sits on the floor licking himself.
Tony: Ew, gross….
Jack picks up the ringing telephone.
Jack: Yes.
Dr. Claw: I'll get you next time, Inspector Gadget! MWA HA HA!
Jack: What the hell?
Morris: Can someone untie me? Man, no love for Morris this episode….oh and now the screen is shrinking down, that's just great!
The screen shrinks down at 1:53:57, Morris is yelling at the screen / Noah, Tom, and Karen get ready to depart for the press conference / Kim and the cougar stop at a convenience store for a snack / Jack, Doyle, Tony, and Michelle are running down the hallway tripping over each other / another shot of Morris complaining that no one untied him yet / Milo opened up a rival Lemonade Stand / Bill is pissed that Milo is trying to destroy his business and declares war / Nadia is online looking for another job / Chloe is running non stop through the Super Mart, slapping people again / The doctors are working on Audrey / Logan pulls over to pick up Ima, who has bullets / A terrorist is entering an office of some sort.
Doctor Wart: In all my years of medical science, I've never seen anything like this!
Doctor Adams: It's your first day.
Wart: Don't question me!
Audrey sits up.
Audrey: Wow, I'm back at CTU, I remember everything.
A miniature gargoyle statue falls on her head. –BONK!-
Audrey (singing): What's new pussycat? Whoa whoa whooooaah. What's new pussycat? Oww…my heeead huuurrts…
In the escape car,
Logan: Well, glad you could get bullets. Now that we don't need them anymore.
Ima: You always need bullets.
Logan: True. Okay, we're off to the press conference, it's a couple hours away, but we have preparations to do.
Mandy: Uh, Charles. This detonator requires 6 AA batteries!
Logan: And we don't have batteries. Wonderful. Stupid Morris….
Meanwhile, Kim and the Cougar are walking are shopping at the store.
Cougar: Baxter.
Kim: What?
Cougar: The name's 'Baxter'.
Kim: Oh.
Baxter: 'Baxter J. Cougar'.
Kim: I see.
Baxter: We have a bit to go until we get to CTU, so I thought we get reacquainted.
Kim: I'm down with that.
A man enters the store.
Man: THIS IS A HOLDUP!
Baxter: You're cursed, aren't you?
Kim: I'm a Bauer, it's a family trait.
AT CTU, Milo (avoiding being bombed by Bill's lemonade stand) is looking at his terminal.
Milo: Hey, I got something!
Nadia walks over, she gets pelted in the head with a lemon –WHAP!-
Nadia: OW! Dammit Bill!
Bill: Sorry…
Milo: I managed to hack into one of the terrorist's bank accounts, and one of his last transactions with this woman.
Nadia: Agatha Bauer?
Milo: Yes…..Jack's Grandmother!
Nadia: What?! God, aren't there any of Jack's relatives who DON'T work for the terrorists?
Nadia gets whapped in the head again with a lemon, she falls to the floor.
Bill: Uh oh, I think I killed her.
Milo: Give her 'The Silent Clock!'
1:59:57 (no beep)
1:59:58 (no beep)
1:59:59 (no beep)
2:00:00 (no beep)
Nadia: I didn't die, you jerks!
NEXT TIME ON: 24.
-SWOOSH-
Jack: Oh my head!...Where am I?
A pack of Care Bears surround Jack.
Jack: AAAHHH!
Funshine Bear: We have you now Jack Bauer!
Jack: What do you want?!
Bedtime Bear: You know what this is about!
Jack: Uh, no.
Funshine Bear: Oh really, well we have proof that you killed 'Wish Bear' and had him stuffed and mantled on your wall!
Jack: Yea, it was my greatest accomplishment!
Grumpy Bear: Kill him!
Jack: EEK!
The Care Bears beat the crap out of Jack.
-FWOOSH-
Tony is holding a gun, faced off against his….evil twin.
Tony: I've got you now!
Tony: Really? You won't get away with this.
Tony: Wait, who's the bad guy? Me or you?
Tony: Uh…..I don't know.
Tony: Oh well.
They start slapping each other.
-SWOOSH-
Karen: Bill, I have to fire you.
Bill: WHAT?! Why?
Karen: Because I have detectives here with evidential proof that you associated with Abu Fayed.
Bill: That's ridiculous.
Karen plays the tape.
Bill walks into a 'Denny's'.
Abu Fayed: Hello, sir. Would you like a booth or table?
Bill: Nah, I just need to pee. Thanks.
Bill: You're firing me because of that?!
Karen: Well….yes. So Bill Buchanan of CTU, you're fired! Oh, can you pick up some Kentucky Fried Chicken on your way home? Love you, bye.
She hangs up.
Karen: He's taking it very well.
-SWOOSH-
Michelle is driving in a car.
Michelle: I am going to get my revenge, I am going to KILL…..BILL……Buchanan.
COMING THIS SUMMER….maybe….probably not.
KILL BILL….Buchanan.
Michelle: Wow, Tony. Getting married in this crappy chapel in the middle of nowhere sure was a great idea.
Tony: Yuppers!
Bill enters the Chapel with The Deadly Viper Assassination Squad.
Audrey One Eye, Chloe Ishii, Nadia Green, and Morris O'Drunkard.
Morris: How rude.
Bill: Hello Michelle.
Michelle: Oh crap.
-BANG BANG BANG-
A TALE OF REVENGE
Nadia: I'm sorry we killed the people you cared about. Now look at this box of 'Lucky Charms' WHILE I SHOOT YOU!
Michelle throws a butter knife at Nadia, -SHOINK!-
A TALE OF….WANTING TO GET BACK AT SOMEONE FOR SOMETHING THEY DID BAD TO YOU…WHICH WOULD TECHNICALLY BE REVENGE
Audrey: Bill, Michelle is lying on this bed before me, let me kill her.
Bill: No, she deserves a more honorable death.
Audrey: GRR.
A STORY OF LOVE
Chloe: It's YOU!
Michelle: Chloe Ishii! I want my revenge!
The screen turns red, WEEEE WOOOOO WEEEE WOOOO.
Michelle chops of Chloe's scalp, it goes flying.
Audrey walks out of the building.
Audrey: Hey guys, dinner's ready. (It lands on her face, -FWAP-) EEEW! GROSS!!!!
A STORY OF FRIENDSHIP
Morris: Sorry dahling, I bury you alive now.
Michelle: You suck!
A TIMELESS CLASSIC, FOR ONLY 4 EASY PAYMENTS OF 19.95!
Jack: Welcome to Hatori Hanzo's Swords Emporium. We have a huge sale going on right now!
Michelle: Well, that's convenient!
IN THE YEAR, 200X
Audrey: This is our final battle!
Michelle: Bring it!
Audrey turns and bonks her head on a cabinet, her eye falls out.
Audrey: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My remaining eye!!!
Michelle: Ooh, a suitcase full of money. AAAH SNAKES!
A snake lunges at her face.
MICHELLE DESSLER…..
Bill: We have some unfinished business.
Michelle: Shouldn't we be stopping terrorists?
WILL KILL…..BILL…..BUCHANAN!
A NEW EPISODE OF 24: NEXT WEEK…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…….