The 24 Parody Project: Episode 8
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!
Fred, Paul, and Sam are sitting at the writer's table, once again plotting what to do with this week's episode….and staring at a cage with a hamster in it.
Fred: This……is…….ridiculous.
Paul: What? This is a good idea.
Sam: I agree.
Fred: Why the hell are we staring at this hamster?
Paul: Okay, there is a box in the cage with the hamster. The box is filled with episode ideas. The hamster will go to the box, and pick out an idea…from the box. That is the plot we will use for this week's episode.
Fred: Plot?! What are you talking about?! In last week's episode, Chloe became a grim reaper, Morris built the Kat-9 remote detonator, and we found out that Jack's friggin grandmother is now involved with the terrorists. Why can't we just go off that?!
Paul: To keep the show fresh of course. Now….Go Skippy! Go!
Skippy the hamster saunters up to the idea box and digs in.
-Later-
Fred: Uh….it's been 2 hours, and Skippy is still in the box.
Sam opened the cage and looked into the box.
Sam (sobbing): Poor Skippy! He drowned!
Paul: NOOO!
Fred: How the hell do you drown in a box filled with paper!
Sam: He was a good hamster!
Fred: HE WAS A STUPID HAMSTER!
Sam: Ok, meeting adjourned. We'll meet after I get back from the pet store.
Fred: Why do you need to get another hamster? Just pick a paper from the box.
Sam: What's the fun in that?
Fred: Ugh…
-Even Later-
Sam: Okay, Skippy 2, GO!
Skippy 2 the hamster runs toward the box…and right into it. –WHAP!-
Sam: Skippy 2!!!
Paul: NOOOO!
Fred rolls his eyes.
Sam: Be right back.
-Even More Later-
Sam: Okay Skippy 3, GO!
Fred: Please!
Skippy 3 runs to the box, digs into the box and pulls out an idea.
Sam: YAY! Skippy 3! Now hand me the idea.
Skippy 3 swallows the paper and chokes to death.
Sam: SKIPPY 3!!!
Paul: NOOO!
Fred: Oh for the love of god…..
-Many many even more hours later-
Sam: Okay Skippy 54, GO!
Fred opens the cage, grabs a piece of paper, and reads it.
Fred: ….this one's blank……ALL OF THE PAPERS ARE BLANK!!!!
Sam: Paul, did you forget to write the episode ideas on the paper?
Paul: Oh, I was supposed to do that?
Fred: AAAAARRRRGH!!!!
Fred jumps out the window. –CRASH-
Sam: Oh well, cue opening title sequence…..
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
Beep….beep….beep….beeep….bepbepbepbepbepbepbepbepbepbe….24!!!!
Jack: Previously on 24…….
-SWOOSH-
Chloe: I'm melting! Meeeelting! Eeeeeehhh... (CHLOE O'BRIAN, EXTRA CRISPY)
George Mason: You will join me, in my merciless army of grim reapers!
Chloe: Oh boy….
-SWOOSH-
Birdie: I'm going to kill both of you, just like I killed the president! MWA HA HA!!! (She plops out an egg)….eeek! (BIRDIE, THE EARLY BIRD, SHE'S DEAD NOW)
Karen: Someone save us!!
Underdog: Never fear! Underdog is here!
Karen: Well, we're done for.
Underdog: Hey, I have feelings too, you know.
-SWOOSH-
Jack: Nobody puts Baby in the corner! (JACK BAUER)
Michelle: What the hell are you talking about?!
Bill: I can go for some Arby's right about now. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
-SWOOSH-
Chloe: Jack, we have a serious problem. Duke just sold the Bush's Baked Beans recipe to the terrorists!
Jack: WHAT?! That dumb dog.
Duke The Dog: Here you go terrorists! Now I want my money.
Jack tackles Duke.
Duke: You're too late. Now the terrorists will win the County Bake Sale for sure.
Jack: DAMMIT!
Morris takes a swig of beer.
Chloe: Morris! You're drinking beer!
Jack: God, Chloe, what are you? The narrator?
Morris: No dahling, you heard of that '24 Drinking Game' where you take a drink whenever Jack says one of his usual quotes. I wanted to play.
Chloe: No, you just wanted an excuse to drink.
Morris: Try it, dahling.
Chloe takes a beer, Jack walks up to them.
Jack: Hi friends!
Chloe stomps on Jack's toe.
Jack: DAMMIT!
Chloe and Morris take a drink.
Jack turns around to run head first into a door.
Jack: DAMMIT!
Chloe and Morris take another drink.
Chloe: Wow, this is fun!
Morris: You see, dahling?
Jack: I hate you both……
Kim: The following takes place between 2:00pm and 3:00pm.
At the convenience store, Kim and Baxter J. Cougar are held hostage…..uh, at the convenience store…..where….they are being held hostage.
Kim: 3 points for originality.
Baxter: Seriously, dahling.
Kim: Quit talking like Morris.
Baxter: Sorry.
Robber: Now just as long as you do what I say, no one will get hurt.
Baxter: We have to find a way out of here.
Kim: Yea.
Baxter: Back there. In the bathroom. There's a window.
Kim: So?
Baxter: We go out the window.
Kim: …
Baxter: ….and run away.
Kim: …
Baxter: We be free then.
Kim: I like the way you think.
Baxter sighs. He starts to crawl toward the restroom.
Baxter: Distract the robber.
Kim: Okay…..oh hello Mr. Burglar guy?
Robber: And who are you supposed to be?
Kim: I am……Paris Hilton!
Robber: WHAT!?
Baxter: WHAT?!
Robber: You are….the Paris Hilton?
Kim: Yes, and you will bow down to me!
Robber: Yes, my liege.
Baxter: Oh brother.
Kim: Now….fetch me a Twinkie!
The robber hauls to the snack cake section and grabs a Twinkie.
Robber: I brought you your snack cake, my queen!
Kim: Now…..open the package!
Robber: ….okay, I have the Twinkie out!
Kim: Now, stuff it in my mouth!
Baxter: The FCC are probably crapping themselves now….
The robber stuffs the Twinkie in Kim's mouth.
Kim: Mmmm, it's sooo good.
Robber: I'm glad you like it, my master!
Meanwhile, the real Paris Hilton knocks at the door of the convenience store.
Paris Hilton: HELLO!? Are you guys open! I need to buy some Vodka and Red Bull!...and some Twinkies!
Robber: HEY! You're not Paris Hilton!
Kim (Shouting, spitting Twinkie pieces everywhere): Yeah, get lost you imposter!
Robber: I was talking to you!
Kim: Oh……
Baxter (In the bathroom): This window was painted on!? Who the hell paints a window on a wall, that's just stupid! I hate this place already.
Kim: I'm the real Paris Hilton!
Paris: No she's not!
Robber: I don't know, who the real Paris is…
Baxter crawls back to Kim.
Baxter: The window was fake, we're going to have to find another way out.
Kim: Well crap. I, Paris Hilton, am not pleased.
Paris: YOU'RE NOT PARIS HILTON!!!
2:05:22, CTU. Jack pulls the car into the parking lot. Inside…what is going on? What will happen? Let's go inside and find out.
Nadia: Oookay.
Milo: So yea.
Nadia: Jack's grandmother, huh?
Bill: Man, whatever we do. We cannot tell him until after he stops the Presidential assassination. It will only distract him.
Nadia: Okay.
Milo: Sure.
Jack: Hi everybody!
Bill: Jack, your grandmother's a terrorist!
Nadia and Milo slap their foreheads.
Jack: WHAT?!
Nadia: What Bill…meant to say; was that we were able to track a transaction with one of the terrorist'ss bank accounts and the last person he dealt with was Agatha Bauer…you're grandmother.
Jack: I can't believe this.
Nadia: But we can deal with that later. Jack, we have to stop the assassination on the President! We must stop Charles Logan.
Jack: Right!
Chloe flies in on a broomstick. She takes off her pointy witch hat and throws it behind her desk.
Chloe: Hi everyone, sorry I'm late.
Bill: Chloe, I'm glad you finally came out of the restroom.
Chloe: WHAT!?
Nadia: I'm glad you're okay, I told you not to eat the chili in the cafeteria.
Chloe: No. I wasn't in the bathroom. I was carried away by villagers from IHOP for being a witch, then I got burned at the stake and George Mason made me a Grim Reaper which got us no where so he brought me back to life for being such a good sport…god even I don't even believe that story.
Milo: Oh hey Chloe, you finally came out of the bathroom.
Chloe: Did no one realize I was gone! It was Milo's fault I was….oh forget it.
Morris: Hello, Dahling.
Chloe: Hi Morris. I'm glad you're not hurt. Good going giving Logan the real detonator for the Kat-9.
Morris: Here we go…..
Jack: So where can I find Agatha?
Chloe: Let me try.
Chloe gets on her computer. And bangs her hands on the keyboard in an exaggerated manner.
Chloe: Got it.
A paper prints out.
Chloe: This is the address of her last known location. Start from there.
Jack: Great. Come on Michelle!
Michelle: Uh, excuse me?
Jack: We have to go stop my granny!
Michelle: Jack, I'm not a field agent….take Chloe.
Chloe: Um what?….
Jack: No Michelle, I need you. Because…you're the only woman for the job.
Michelle: Gee, thanks Jack….wait, are you going to use me as a human shield?
Jack: …….yes.
Michelle: Forget it!
Jack: Please! Please! Please!
Michelle: Oh allright.
Bill: Glad we got that settled, now Tony, I want you to go with agent Doyle to Washington D.C to get the first look at what we're dealing with for the press conference.
Tony: Sure.
Doyle: Okay.
Bill: Okay! Go team!
Jack: RIGHT!
Jack turns around and stubs his toe on the desk.
Jack: DAMMIT!
Morris and Chloe take a drink of beer.
2:12:07. Jack, Michelle, Tony, and Doyle run out of CTU, then realize they forgot their keys so they run back inside / Kim and Paris Hilton are engaged in a slapping match / Bill is playing a grand piano while Nadia sits on top of it wearing a red sequined dress and singing some stupid song / Milo plays the drums / Morris plays the saxophone / Chloe plays the 'Triangle' which is a stupid instrument, Chloe throws the 'Triangle' at Milo's head –DING!- / Noah is stroking his beard menacingly, then realizes he doesn't have a beard so he rips it off.
Noah: So how are we doing on the speech?
Karen: Okay, this is what I have so far. 'My fellow Americans...blah blah blah…….yada yada yada……friendship….blah…..togetherness….and so on.'
Noah (Reading the paper): Are you kidding me? You actually put 'blah blah blah', there's nothing here.
Karen: Am I going to get an 'F'?
Noah: ….yes.
Karen: Aw shucks.
Tom: Here, Mr. President. I pre-wrote a speech.
Karen: How do you pre-write something?
Tom: This is brilliant. Good work, Tom.
Noah puts a gold star on his paper.
Tom: Yay!
Karen: GRR!
Noah: Okay, next thing……we……urk!
Noah collapses.
Tom & Karen: ACK!
Tom: This is bad.
The Joint Chiefs rush in.
Joint Chief Sue: Just as I suspected. Noah Daniels is not fit for his position as commander in chief.
Joint Chief Sue pulls a rope. A giant sign drops down that reads 'THE 25th AMMENDMENT' followed by loud noise, balloons and confetti flying to the ground.
Tom: Don't you think that's a little much?
Sue: Nope. We take a vote to see if Noah should be removed from office in 30 minutes!
The Joint Chiefs run out of the room.
Tom: What I would give to have a president last for more than an hour.
Karen: Damn skippy…
2:17:13, Charles Logan, Mandy, and Ima Mole walk into Wal-Mart.
Logan: Okay, we're here for batteries. So we can get this stupid detonator working so we can blow up the president so we can get our money and get out of the country.
Mandy: Thanks for catching us up on our sub-plot.
Logan: Now, if we stick together we can get out of here in a timely manner, and another thing….
Ima: I'm off to the 'Electronics'!
Mandy: I'll be in 'Camping & Equipment'! I need a new gun….
They take off.
Logan: HEY!
Meanwhile, in the back room.
Eduardo: Hey man, do you have the 'stuff'?
Kyle, a teenager holds up a bag of 'Cocaine'.
Kyle: Sure do!
Eduardo: Now, don't drop it.
Kyle: Oops! (He drops the bag.)
Eduardo: ACK!
The bag busts and fumes get sucked up through the vent into the ventilation system.
Eduardo: This is bad, man.
Kyle: It's just crack, right?
Eduardo: Well, no…..it's actually a virus.
Kyle: A virus?!
Eduardo: Yea, the 'Cordilla Virus 2'.
Kyle: …2?
Eduardo: Don't ask.
Kyle: Well, what's so bad about it?
Eduardo: Well, if you come in contact with it, your face swells up and gets all red and splotchy.
Kyle: Uh….they have a 'cream' for that right.
Eduardo: Well, of course.
Kyle: Well, that's good.
Eduardo: You still die though.
Kyle: ….oh……
Meanwhile…
Logan: I need some batteries!
Clerk: Sorry, all out of batteries.
Logan: AAARGH!!!
Announcer: Attention all Wal-Mart Shoppers. We have received word that the deadly 'Cordilla Virus 2' has been released into the air ventilation shafts. Unfortunately, we will be forced to quarantine the premises and initiate lockdown until the virus has been contained. While you have only an hour left to live, be sure to take advantage of all the new sales we have going on. Including 'Dora The Explorer' sleeping bags and bedroom sets starting as low as $129.95!
Ima: I'm going to buy them all!!!!
Mandy: Not unless if I get there first!!!
They run past Logan as he throws up his hands in defeats and drops to the floor.
4:20:11, Mandy and Ima are playing 'Supermarket Sweep' / Noah comes to his feet only to pass out again / Bill & Nadia are reenacting a scene from 'Grease' / Paris Hilton is on the floor, Kim stands on her congratulating herself on her victory.
Kim: I did it Baxter!
Baxter: What did you do exactly?
Kim: I beat Paris Hilton in a Twinkie eating contest!
Baxter: I'm sorry, that doesn't deserve any type of merit.
Kim: I'm still better than Paris Hilton though.
Baxter: Good for you.
Kim (offers): Twinkie?
Baxter: No thanks.
Robber: Are you 2 done?!
Kim: Oh…yea.
Robber: Now, that it's obvious that you are NOT Paris Hilton. I'm going to kill you now.
Kim: What?! But why? I'm so lovable and cute!
Baxter: I'm cuter.
Robber: Who do you think you're trying to fool?
Kim: Uh…..a young Tom Jones?
Robber: Really!? You think I look like a young….wait a minute! You're doing it again, aren't you?
Kim: ….yeah, I am.
Robber: That's it! To the freezer! Both of you!
Baxter: Wait, Mr. Robber. I think we can solve your problem.
Robber: My problem is that I'm trying to rob this store. I cannot since for some reason the clerk has not givin me my money yet, and I have girly girl over here pretending to be my almighty queen, Ms. Paris Hilton.
Baxter: This guy might need more help than I thought.
Robber: Okay, Frasier, start yappin.
Baxter: Well, you see, I think…..
Kim: Boring!
Baxter: You're not helping!
Kim: Oh right.
Baxter: Mr. Robber, did you have a rough childhood?
Robber: -sniff-, y…y….yes.
Baxter: ….well, that's all I needed to know, thanks.
Kim: THAT'S IT!?
Baxter: Hello, I'm a cougar. Not a therapist, give me a break!
Kim: -groan-
Robber: Freezer, now!
Kim and Baxter head off into the freezer.
2:24:10, back at CTU.
Nadia: Okay, the press conference is in a little over an hour, we need to get some our men down there. At blinding speed no less. Morris, get a hold of the commander of the squad force team.
Morris: Got it, dahling.
Nadia: Milo, get me through to the President so he is aware of our plan.
Milo: Can't they just postpone the signing of the 'BFF' treaty?
Nadia: If they postpone it, the President's life will be spared. However in doing so, it will anger Australia and they will DECLARE WAR!!!
Milo: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard…
Nadia: Yeah, well. Now Chloe….
Chloe: Yea Nadia?
Nadia: I need you to pick up my dry cleaning.
Chloe: WHAT!?
Nadia: You better hurry, the store closes in 30 seconds. Your job depends on it.
Chloe: But….but…..
Nadia: Hurry Chloe, our country's at stake!
Chloe: Whatever!
She starts to leave before a strange looking man enters the building.
Man: Please sit down, Mrs. O'Brian.
Chloe: I can't. I have to go pick up Nadia's underwear from the cleaners since it's a matter of national security.
Nadia: Uh, who are you?
Man: My name is Reginald Lee Jerkwad. I am from Division.
Nadia: Oh, crap.
Bill runs in wearing his bathing suit.
Bill: Hey guys the Slip & Slide's ready…..oh…..
Reginald: Mr. Buchanan. Director Of CTU.
Bill: That's MR. Buchanan to you pal.
Nadia: Bill, he said that.
Bill: I got this under control, Nadia.
Reginald: Mr. Buchanan….
Bill: Please, call me Chloe. I accept responsibility for everything that's gone wrong today.
Chloe: Hey!
Reginald: CTU has turned into a circus!
Milo: Oooh. I love…circuses…..or is it circusi….whatever the plural form of circus is.
Bill: Mr. Jerkwad. I assure you that CTU is in perfect running order.
Reginald: Earlier this morning your security system has been compromised, the building has been bombed, you resumed operations at an IHOP, and for some strange reason you, Ms. Yassir, Mr. Pressman, Mr. and Mrs. O'Brian are the only staff working in the building. Where is the rest of your staff?
Bill: Hmm….(he turns to the group) Allright gang. We've surveyed 100 people. Where do you think the rest of the CTU staff has gone?
Nadia: Company Picnic!
Morris: Sabbatical!
Milo: They had tickets to go see 'Dr. Phil'!
Chloe: I heard there's a really good sale going on at Wal-Mart.
Bill: Ok, the rest of the CTU staff is at 'The Company Picnic'. SHOW ME 'COMPANY PICNIC'!
The Family Feud Board lists 'Company Picnic' as the #1 answer. –ding!-
Milo: Way to go Nadia!
Nadia: YAY!
Bill: Would you guys like to pass or play?
Nadia: We'll play, Alex.
Bill: Okay, name something you first do when you wake up in the morning.
Nadia: Get ready for the company picnic!
Morris: SABBATICAL!
Milo: Kill my next door neighbor and steal his tickets to go see 'Dr. Phil'.
Chloe: I'm going to the Wal-Mart sale!
Reginald: THAT'S IT!!!
Chloe: I won?
Reginald: No, Mr. Buchanan. We're taking you into custody!
Nadia: What!? You can't do this!
Reginald: Oh but I can. We are called 'Division'. It is our job to 'Divide' people between themselves and getting their work done.
Milo: I always wondered why they were called that.
Nadia: But Bill didn't do anything wrong.
Reginald: CTU is still in shambles. He also hired terrorist Ima Mole and started this whole mess.
Morris: Ima was a mole!?
Chloe slaps Morris in the back of the head.
Reginald: Guards, take him to holding.
Milo: Not 'Holding'!!
The Red Guards take Bill to the holding cell.
Reginald: I will be in charge of CTU in the meantime. So now, you all get back to work.
Milo: You…..fiend!
Chloe: Good comeback, Milo.
2:32:29, The Red Guards take Bill to a holding cell / Jack & Michelle are driving according to their directions / Doyle and Tony are stuck in the line at Burger King / Kim and Baxter are turning into icicles.
Jack: Okay, here we are. My evil grandmother's hideout.
Michelle: Uh, Jack. This is a Pizza Hut.
Jack: Hmm. So it is.
Jack and Michelle get out of the car and walk into the pizza restaurant.
Susan: Hi welcome to Pizza Hut.
Jack: Scrambled Eggs.
Susan: Follow me sir.
Michelle: WTF?
Susan leads Jack and Michelle to a back room. She pulls a lever which opens up a secret passage. They proceed.
Michelle: Scrambled Eggs?
Jack: It's a password my dad taught me when I was little in case if I needed to get into somewhere important.
Michelle: Whatever.
Jack and Michelle enter the last room. Agatha Bauer sat in a black leather chair holding a Persian cat.
Agatha: Hello, sweetie.
Jack: Hi grandma!
Agatha: Would you like some milk and cookies? They're not poisoned. For your friend however, the poisoned cookies are on the table right next to you.
Jack: Wow, thanks.
Michelle: Jack, focus.
Jack: Oh right. Grandma, are you siding with the terrorists?
Agatha: Siding with the terrorists?! Oh, of course not dear.
Jack: That was easy.
Michelle: -groan-
Agatha: I am the terrorist.
Jack: EEEK!
Michelle: Don't be so surprised, Jack.
Jack: But grandma, why? WHY!?
Agatha: Listen, I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you don't mind. I have….a president to assassinate.
Jack: Which one?
Michelle slaps him upside the head.
Michelle: The one who's supposed to get killed at 4:00 today.
Jack: ACK! Grandma, stop this nonsense.
Agatha: Nonsense? Mwa ha ha. You'll see.
She runs out a side door.
Jack: Hey, wait!
Jack and Michelle bolt out the side door and sprint down a run down back alley. They caught up to the end right as Agatha was putting on a jet pack.
Michelle: A jet pack!?
Agatha: So long, Jackie dear. Come by for milk and cookies sometime after I've taken over the world!
Jack: Okay, bye Grandma!
Michelle slaps him.
Jack: OH! I mean…..you won't get away with this!...
Michelle: We're running out of time Jack.
Jack: DAMMIT!
Chloe, Morris, and Milo take a drink of beer.
Michelle: We need to get to The Press Conference in Washington D.C.
Jack: But how are we going to get there in time?
Michelle: Hmm…….
2:37:21, Doyle and Tony are driving.
Doyle: I'm glad we finally got out of Burger King. Wait….where's our food?
Tony: ….food?
Doyle: We waited in line for an eternity and you managed to leave without the food?!
Tony: I thought that was your job!
Doyle: You're the one driving!
Tony: Oh, well. We need to eat, let's stop here.
Tony pulls into the parking lot of a convenience store. Tony & Doyle get out and walk up to the entrance.
Tony: The door's locked.
The robber inside the store notices Tony and Doyle.
Robber: Crap. Those must be the police. Okay Clerk, do you business.
Clerk (to Tony & Doyle): Go away! Go away! Everything seems to be fine here.
Doyle: The doors are locked, you're talking funny, and we can obviously see the man holding the gun in front of you.
Robber: Crap.
Doyle: Let us in.
The robber opens the door. Tony and Doyle step in shortly before the Robber aims his gun at them.
Doyle: Okay, that was a dumb move.
Robber: You can join the others in the freezer.
The robber turns back to the clerk.
Robber: Now give me all your dough.
The Pillsbury Doughboy: With Pleasure!
The Doughboy tears off a piece of his arm and throws it at the robber.
Doughboy: Something's in the oven, tee hee!
The robber shoots the Pillsbury Doughboy in the face. –BOOM!-
Tony: Hey, they used my joke! How awesome!
Doyle: Just keep moving.
Tony & Doyle enter the freezer.
Doyle: Kimberly?
Kim: Tony!
Tony: Hey Kim, you're captured too!?
Kim: Yea.
Doyle: Who is your cougar friend?
Baxter: 'Baxter J. Cougar', at your service.
Tony faints.
Doyle: So it can talk….huh?
Kim: Yup!
Doyle: How long have you two been in here?
Kim: Since the end of last week's episode.
Doyle: Okay, well we're in a hurry. We have to get to Washington D.C. and stop the presidential assassination.
Kim: Okay, have you heard from my dad?
Doyle: Yes, apparently your grandmother is involved with the terrorist plans…
Kim: Now my grandmother's a terrorist!? Great…
Tony wakes up.
Baxter: You okay, man?
Tony: AHHH! A talking cougar?!
Tony faints again.
2:41:01, Doyle peeks out of the freezer door / Jack and Michelle are eating some pizza / Noah collapses again / Logan sits in the middle of Wal-Mart, customers are running around in panic, Mandy and Ima rush by with overflowing shopping carts.
Joint Chief Sue: Okay, we are activating the '25th Amendment.
Tom: Whoopty doo….(rolls eyes, twirling is finger in the air).
Sue: Okay, Joint Chiefs, if you want Noah Daniels to be removed from office, put your votes in now.
The final jeopardy music plays.
Karen: Where the hell is that music coming from?!
Sue: Okay, your votes.
All the joint chiefs voted yes.
Sue: There you have it.
Tom: Crap.
Sue: Okay, so I guess it's down to you two.
Tom: WHAT?! Us two? You don't mean….
Sue: Yes, you two must compete to see who will be the next President of the United States.
Tom: Oh good grief….
Karen: If I become President, I will buy everyone a puppy, so we can all live in peace and harmony. I will also declare war on Rainbowland, because Rainbow Brite needs to be destroyed.
Tom: What the hell is wrong with this country?!
2:43:01, Logan walks up to the Manager of Wal-Mart.
Logan: Can't you let us go? We've been here for almost an hour and that stupid 'Cordilla Virus 2' hasn't killed anyone yet.
Manager: It takes a while for the effects to kick in. OH NO!!!
Logan and the Wal-Mart manager look over to see a woman swell up. She's swelling to an immense size…..and turning blue.
Logan: Ima!? What the hell did you do?
Mandy: She's huge!
Manager: Violet, You're turning Violet, Violet!
Ima: I ate some gum that was a 4 course meal, when I got to the blueberry pie……
The Manager blows a whistle. The Oompa Loompa's come out.
Manager: Send her down to be juiced!
Oompa Loompa's (singing): Oompa Loompa, doopity doo, I have a stupid song for you……
Manager: You're not contracted to sing! Just move her!
Oompa Loompa Bob: Geez, rude!
Logan puts his face in his hands in disbelief.
2:45:33 at CTU.
Bill Buchanan is in holding cell number 4.
Morris: Dahling, I can't believe that Jerkwad would put you behind bars. You did nothing wrong.
Bill: It's okay. Nadia, I know you can take over where I left off with no problems.
Nadia: Thanks for the vote of confidence, but Reginald has taken over….and that is a problem.
Milo: I got it!
Chloe: Milo, is this going to be a stupid idea?
Milo: No dummy. We can bust Bill out! And move to another CTU, and start a new life.
Bill: I can dig that.
Nadia: No, all we have to do is convince Reginald that you're innocent.
Morris: ….
Milo: …..
Bill (eating): This turkey's delicious…
Morris: ….let's bust him out.
Milo: I'll get my tool kit.
Nadia: Ugh.
Bill: Now Nadia, you have to go to the Security Control room and disable the cameras.
Nadia: I guess I can do that.
Bill: And Chloe, you need to 'distract' Reginald.
Chloe: I'm already not liking this.
Bill: Hurry Chloe!
Chloe walks back into the main hall at 2:47:11 / Jack and Michelle are waiting at the Pizza Hut buffet line
Jack: That punk just took the last 'pepperoni'.
Michelle: Why don't you go torture him, since that's your solution to everything.
Jack: I like the way you think, Michelle.
Jack runs toward the kid.
Michelle: JACK!
-CRASH-
Michelle (to woman behind her): I'm not with him….
Back at CTU.
Chloe walks up the stairs to the Glass Cubicle Office Director Of CTU Room. She enters.
Reginald: What is it, O'Brian?
Chloe: So……how are you doing?
Reginald: Is this a ruse to distract me while you break Bill Buchanan out of prison.
Chloe: How do you know that!?...You must be……A WITCH!!!!!
Nothing happens.
Chloe: Well, that sucks…..
Reginald: Get back to work, O'Brian.
Chloe: Wait!...Why can't….we talk a little bit….you know…..about…..procedures? (She rips a part of her skirt)
Reginald: Are you trying to seduce me, O'Brian?
She nods, while cringing.
Reginald: Then….I accept!
He shoves everything off his desk.
Reginald: Come and get it!
Chloe: …….brrrph! (She clasps her hand over her mouth).
Reginald: Did you just vomit?
Chloe shakes her head 'no', then runs out of the room.
Back at Pizza Hut.
Michelle: Now that we've been banned from Pizza Hut….JACK!
Jack: What?
Michelle: Okay, we need to get to D.C and fast, but how will we get there in time?
Jack: Look!
Jack and Michelle run up to the DeLorean.
Marty McFly: Hey, that's our car.
Jack: Federal Agent! It's a matter of national security!
McFly: You'll pay for this!
Jack punches McFly. Him and Michelle hop into the Delorean and zooms off…..into the air.
Jack: Uh….is this car flying?
Michelle: What the hell did you do, Jack?
McFly: Doc! That man stole our time machine!
Dr. Emmet Brown: GREAT SCOTT!!!
McFly: ….that's it?...That's all you have to say?
Jack: I wonder what this button does.
Michelle: Jack, don't push random buttons!
The car zooms off –KABOOM!-
The car appears in front of Jack's apartment.
Jack: Hey, we're at my apartment. That's good, because I forgot my Ipod when I left.
Michelle looks at the time….7:01am….
Michelle: Uh oh!...JACK!!
Jack runs up the stairs to his apartment. Michelle gets out and runs after him.
Jack walks into his room and picks up his Ipod…..
Jack: There's someone in my bed…
Jack wakes up to the sound of the annoying ring tone on his phone.
Jack (on the phone): Hello?
Jack: ACK!
Jack looks at Jack.
Jack: WHAT THE?!
Michelle runs in.
Jack: AAAAHHH!!
Jack: Oh my god!
Michelle: Jack, I can explain!
Jack: Which Jack are you talking to?
Michelle: The one in bed.
Jack gets up out of bed and runs out of his apartment screaming.
Michelle: Good going, Jack.
Jack: What did I do?
Michelle: We went back into the past!
Jack: So?
Michelle: We're in the point of time where 'you' woke up this morning.
Jack: Oh….uh oh.
Michelle: And if you run into your past self…it can destroy the space time continuum or whatever.
Meanwhile, Jack runs outside and get ran over. –SQUISH-
Michelle: AACK!
Jack: Don't worry, I'm still here.
Michelle: Jack, if Jack dies, you don't live anymore.
Jack: Hmm….Michelle. Let's go….BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!
Michelle: No, we go back..to the past….30 seconds ago.
Jack and Michelle run back to the DeLorean. –ZOOM-
The car lands in front of Jack's house.
Jack: Oh! We're at my apartment, which is good since I forgot my Ipod when I left.
Jack gets out, Michelle notices the time 7:01am.
Michelle: Uh oh….JACK!!!
She chases after him.
Jack runs in his bedroom. Jack wakes up to the annoying ring tone on his cell phone.
Jack (in bed): ACK!
Jack: BURGLAR IN MY BED!!!
Jack shoots Past Jack.
Michelle: JACK! Dammit, you weren't supposed to kill yourself!
Jack: Oh…whoops.
Michelle: Ugh, come on.
Jack and Michelle run back to the DeLorean. –ZOOM-
The car lands in front of Jack's house.
Jack: Oh! We're at my apartment, which is good since….
Michelle: No one cares about your stupid Ipod, now just go BACK TO THE FUTURE…and don't kill anything.
Jack: Right.
Jack drives 3 feet, running over a skunk. –SQUISH-
Michelle: What was that?
Jack: Nothing.
Michelle: It smells awful in here! Did you run over a skunk?
Jack: No. It's called a shower, Michelle. Try it sometime.
Michelle: GRR….
The car zooms off.
2:51:01, at CTU.
Milo successfully disables the door to the holding cell.
Morris: Allright, dahling! Let's roll!
They run off and catch up with Nadia.
Morris: Okay, there's a car out back.
Guard: Stop them!
The guards open fire.
Milo: RUN!
They run off down the hall. Milo stops.
Milo: Hey, in here!
Bill, Morris, Nadia, and Milo hide into a room.
Nadia: What are we going to do here?
Milo pushes a button, the doors become sealed.
Milo: There!
Nadia: Milo, those are only supposed to be used if CTU's air ventilation system gets 'Nerve Gas' released into it.
Meanwhile, in the main hall.
Reginald: I LOVE YOU!
Chloe: Get away, you're gross.
Reginald: Come to me, my love queen!
Chloe: I think I'm going to be sick.
The DeLorean crashes through the wall.
Reginald: What the…?
Jack: Chloe, get in!
Chloe: Jack, I'm actually happy to see you!
Chloe climbs into the car.
Jack: And we're off!
The car blasts out of the building. An alarm sounds.
Nadia: What's happening?
27 sets of sprinklers start to go off in the sealed room.
Nadia: ACK!
Morris: Must be a fire somewhere…..
Nadia: Why are there so many sprinklers in here!?
The water level is starting to rise off the ground.
Bill: Thank God I'm not a witch….
Nadia: The room! Milo, we need to get out of here!
Milo: Well, for security reasons, it's a time lock device which will deactivate in 45 minutes.
Nadia: Milo, we'll drown before then!
Milo: The only way we can get out before then, there's a manual emergency unlock….on the outside.
Nadia: That doesn't make any sense! So those guards could have just came in at any time?
Milo: Well……yea. But don't you want them to come in now?
Nadia: Ugh…..
The water level rises up to everyone's knees.
The screen shrinks down at 2:54:02, Nadia and the others wade through the water trying to find a way out. / Jack, Michelle, and Chloe zapped themselves into the 50's, crashing onto the set of 'American Bandstand' / Noah regains consciousness again / Doyle, Kim, Tony, and Baxter sneak out of the freezer / Logan, Mandy, and Ima finally get released from Wal-Mart / The Doctors put a tarp over Audrey so she won't get wet from the water sprinklers.
Logan: There's an hour of my life I'll never get back.
Ima: Yea, but we got some cool stuff.
Logan: And it was 'Flour', that's it. It wasn't the 'Cordilla Virus 2'…what a stupid name…..I'm mad now……
At the White House.
Joint Chief Bob: Okay, Noah, we are reinstating you as president.
Noah: Oh…thanks.
Bob: Karen won the competition…..and started going ballistic.
Noah: Well that was your first mistake.
At the convenience store.
Kim: So…Mr. Burglar…
Robber: Hey, why are you out of the freezer! Get back in there. And you, clerk, you still haven't given me my money yet.
The police show up on the outside.
Robber: Ah crap, that's it I'm taking a hostage.
He grabs Kim.
Kim: EEK!
Doyle runs out and tackles the robber. They roll around, Doyle trying to take his gun. A shot rings out.
Kim: ACK!
Tony: …
Baxter: …..
Doyle slumps to the side….
Tony: Oh no!
Tony rushes to the Robber's side.
Tony: Are you okay?
Kim: Tony, Doyle was shot, not him!
Tony: Oh…nevermind.
Tony is about to get up when the clerk points a gun at him.
Clerk: Get back down to the ground.
Tony: Ruh roh….
Kim: You shot him!?
Clerk: Yea, and you all are next. (He cocks the gun)
Kim: This is really bad.
The DeLorean drives by the convenience store.
Chloe: Jack, I asked you to stop at that store, I have to use the restroom!
Jack: Nah, too many cops there, probably a robbery or something. Hmm, I wonder where Kim is?
Michelle: Jack, I know you ran over that skunk when we went back in time. That and you mowed down almost all of the dancers at 'American Bandstand', you really need to go back and fix this or the future will be altered in ways you can't imagine.
Jack: Oh, I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen…
The doors of CTU fling open…..Nina Myers walks in with an evil grin on her face.
2:59:57
2:59:58
2:59:59
3:00:00
NEXT WEEK ON AN ALL NEW 24….
-SWOOSH-
Chloe is trying to make Jack fall into the Dunk Tank, at the carnival.
Jack: You throw like a girl!
Chloe: Shut up, Jack!
Chloe throws the ball and misses
Jack: HA HA HA HA!!
Chloe pulls out a gun and shoots the target, Jack falls into the water.
Jack: ACK! There's sharks in here! AAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!! –CRUNCH- -MUNCH-
-AND-
Karen is wondering around in 'The Hundred Acre Wood'.
Karen: Excuse me, Mr. Owl. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Owl: I'm sorry, friend. I don't know what that is?
Karen: WHAT!? You're supposed to be full of knowledge you stupid bird!
Winnie The Pooh: Karen, it's not nice to call other people names.
Karen: You're right…..WHAT IS THAT!?!?! (She points at Piglet)
Pooh: That's my friend, Piglet.
Karen: It's hideous!!
Pooh: Karen, that's not nice.
Piglet: P…p….p.pp..p.p…p..pp…..pp.ppp
Karen: It's stuttering a lot too! Get it away from me!
Pooh: That's it! (He pulls out a shotgun). If you're going to be hateful, then I'm afraid it's going to have to come…to this.
Karen: I really need to stop getting myself into these situations.
-AND-
Audrey…..or…..-sigh……Audrora….is the Sleeping Beauty…..crap, not this again……
Nadia (Flora, the Red Fairy): What is with the Disney gags?
Michelle (Fauna, the Green Fairy): Yea, can't they actually have scenes from next week's episode in these things?
Morris (Merryweather, The Blue Fairy): Seriously, Dahling…..
Nadia: Anyway, it's Audrora's Birthday Party, and we need to pick out a color for her dress. I say it should be Pink!
Nadia zaps the dress, the dress is now Pink.
Michelle: What!? It look's like crap! It needs to be Blue!
Michelle zaps the dress blue.
Nadia: PINK! –ZAP!-
Michelle: BLUE! –ZAP!-
Nadia: PINK DAMMIT! –ZAP!-
Michelle: BLUE! –ZAP!-
Morris: Neon Orange, Dahling! –ZAP!-
The Fairies keep zapping the dress, it explodes –KABOOM!-
Morris: Uh oh, we used our magic, I hope Maleficent doesn't show up.
Someone knocks at the door.
Nadia (opening the door): Yeeeees?
Maleficent (dressed up as a UPS delivery driver): Package for Princess Audrora.
Nadia: Okay!
Audrora walks in.
Audrora: Oooh! I got a present.
Nadia: Open it!
Audrora opens the present.
Audrora: It's a Spinning Wheel, oooh pointy! (She pricks her finger then falls to the floor). –CLUNK!-
Nadia: Princess Audrora!
Morris discreetly zaps what's left of the destroyed dress Neon Orange. –ZAP!-
AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24….NEXT WEEK.
Chloe: Beep….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep………can I stop 'beeping' now?
Fred: No….
Chloe: Crap…….beep…..beep……..beep………….