The 24 Parody Project: Episode 9
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!
Fred walks into the writer's room. He sees Paul and Sam at the table with some important looking person.
Fred: Uh, who is this?
Woman: Fred, my name is Lunhilda Wrangelberg from famed television station 'PBS'.
Fred: I'm already not liking where this is headed.
Paul: They have 'Teletubbies'!
Lunhilda: Well, Fred. Because you guys are losing viewers because of the asinine storyline you geniuses have came up with this season. FOX has dropped you.
Fred: GASP OF SHOCK!
Lunhilda: Fortunately, 'We' will pick up the show; it's just that you will have to make some changes.
Fred: WHAT?! We can't do that! The show will have to be edited down to like…10 minutes!
Lunhilda: Well, it's in your contract now, so do it or you all are out of jobs!...or you'll be killed. Whichever is more amusing.
Lunhilda walks out of the room.
Fred: This is ridiculous! FOX can't just drop the show like this. And we're being taken over by PBS?! This is going to be a disaster….
PREVIOUSLY ON 24:
Jack: I am Jack Bauer! I am here to save the day!
Bill: I am Bill Buchanan, head of the Los Angeles CTU….the 'Candy Time Unit'…..-sigh-
-SWOOSH-
Big Bird: I'm Big Bird!
Elmo: I'm Elmo!
Chloe O'Brian pops out of a trash can.
Chloe: I'm Chloe The Grouch, I'm grumpy!…..God this is so humiliating!
-SWOOSH-
Barney The Dinosaur (singing): I love you…..You love me……
Nadia: Wow! That is such a sweet song. (Rolls eyes)
Tony: I think I just threw up in my mouth!
Michelle: Tony, that's gross!
-SWOOSH-
Jack: You will give me the information I need to know, or I will….tickle you!
Jack starts tickling the Terrorist.
Terrorist: HA HA HA HA!! OH….STOP!...HEE HEE!!
-Click-
Paul: I think it was good.
Sam: Yeah. What did you think, Fred?
Fred sits there in shock, jaw dropped, speechless. His head explodes. –KA BOOM!-
Beep….beep….beep….beep…..beepbepbpebpebpebpebpebpebpe……24!!!!!
PREVIOUSLY ON 24:
-AND….SWOOSH-
Meanwhile, In the Smurf Village…which is almost destroyed when Gargamel ran over it with his Tricycle.
Papa Smurf Buchanan: The horror! The horror!
Milo Smurf: Hey, leave 'Smurfette' out of this!
Papa Smurf Buchanan: I didn't say 'that'. I said…….oh forget it.
Smurfette Raines: Jack! We have to stop the Terrorists! Before they destroy our beautiful village with the gaudy looking mushroom houses.
Jack: You're right, Smurfette! Because that Smurfin Gargamel won't stop at smurfin nothing to destroy our smurfin village, that stupid piece of smurf!
Smurfette Raines: So many swears……
Jack: So anyway Smurfette, shall we 'Smurf' now, or 'Smurf' later?
Smurfette slaps Jack. He goes flying (JACK BAUER)
-I FEEL A LAWSUIT COMING ON, ANYWAY, SWOOSH-
Bill and Karen are enjoying a night out alone.
Karen: Oh Bill, this was a great idea to go out. No one would think we were married since we've hardly talked to each other all season.
Bill: I know. Hey, let's eat here.
Bill and Karen sit at a table in the back alley behind an Italian Restaurant.
Tony comes out with a plate of spaghetti.
Tony: Here you go, you two, on the house. At 'Almeida's Italian Bistro'.
Bill: Tony, since when did you own an Italian Restaurant?
Tony: Just eat your food.
Bill and Karen dive face first into the pasta. Bill bumps a meatball over to Karen with his nose.
Karen: Aw, how sweet. I'm not going to put that in my mouth since you just touched that with your nose, but sweet nonetheless.
Bill and Karen start to eat some pasta when they end up eating the same noodle.
Bill (Noodle in mouth): Oh, oops, we appear to be eating the same noodle.
Karen (Same noodle): Yeah……you can let go now.
Bill: Get real, this is my noodle!
Karen: I'm the lady, it's polite to let me have the noodle!
Bill: What a load of BullShrek! I got this noodle first!
Karen: Bill!
Bill: Karen!
Karen: ……..let go of the noodle.
Bill: I gave you a meatball, what more do you want, selfish?
Karen: You touched it with your nose, why didn't you just use a fork!
Bill: In that case….why aren't we using forks anyway?
Karen and Bill: TONY!
Tony comes back out: WHAT?
Karen: Can we get some silverware?
Tony: God, do I look like I work here!? (He storms off)
Bill: …….Well, he's not getting a tip.
Karen: I agree.
Bill: …..
Karen: …..
Bill: ……
Karen: ……let go of the noodle Bill.
Bill: No.
Karen: GRR! (A LITTLE BIT OF THE COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT AND WHITE HOUSE STAFF)
-SWOOSH-
Cindy: So Kim, are you going to the school dance this Saturday?
Kim: AS IF!
Cindy: So you're not.
Kim: Oh wait…..yeah, I'll be there.
Cindy: Who's going with you?
Kim: That hot guy over there!
Morris walks up to Kim and Cindy.
Morris: Hello, loves!
Cindy: Uh….do you even go to this school?
Morris: Uh…..yea….?
Kim: He's a little older than me, but we're a perfect couple.
Morris: We better hurry this up dahling, before the wife catches me.
Chloe steps out of a locker
Chloe: MORRIS! I knew you've been cheatin on me. I can't believe you would do this especially when we just had our daughter, 'Chloris'.
Kim: You named your daughter 'Chloris O'Brian'?!
Chloe chases Morris around with a rolling pin.
Kim: And people wonder why I was gone after season 3. (KIM BAUER)
Jedi Master Yoda: Between 3:00pm and 4:00pm the following takes place…….
Jack: Damn you and your backwards sentences!
At the convenience store.
Doyle: Hi friends!
Doyle was shot in the last episode.
Doyle: urk! (Falls to the floor).
Kim: Doyle!
Clerk: We already went through this. Now I point the gun at girl.
Kim: Kim is shocked!
Robber: Yea, my gun just so happens to be missing.
Clerk: Now I'm trying to rob this store, and I can't do it with you all wasting my time.
Baxter: Wow, both of you were trying to rob the store, just not together, how odd.
Tony: You'll pay for this, thieves! (Stuffs a Hostess Cupcake in his pocket).
Clerk: To the freezer, all of you!
Tony: Crap, the freezer again?! It's cold in the freezer.
Baxter: Excellent input there, Bill Nye.
Tony: Quiet you!
The Clerk escorts Kim, Baxter, Tony, and The robber to the freezer shortly before the S.W.A.T team busts into the building.
-CRASH-
Kim: YAY!
Captain Crunch: Okay men! Arrest that crook!
The men grab the clerk and drag him out of the building.
Crunch: And arrest that robber over there since he looks like he was just about to rob the place himself.
Robber: Crap.
Doyle: Medic…..please…..
Crunch: Are you okay, pal?
Doyle: Been shot, lots of blood, white light. You get the picture.
Crunch: Not you, him! (Pointing to Baxter)
Baxter: Oh this? Well I burnt my paw trying to cook a meal for someone a few hours ago…..someone who shall not be named…..-coughKIMBAUERcough-
Kim: Hey!
Crunch: Wow, there is a lot of cool stuff here….in fact I might even rob the place.
Captain Crunch pulls out his gun.
Crunch: Okay everyone to the freezer (starts stuffing crap into his jacket).
Kim: DAMMIT!
3:04:11, The part of Nina Myers will be played by Special Guest Star Bea Arthur, Yeesh…
Bea Arthur walks in with a giant name tag that reads 'Hello, My Name Is Nina Myers' on it. She pokes around the destruction of CTU when Jack crashed the DeLorean through it in last week's episode.
Bea Arthur: I'm Nina Myers, I'm up to no good as usual.
Bea Arthur snoops around the wreckage, then starts to make her way upstairs when she hears screaming.
Bill, Nadia, Milo, and Morris are trapped in a sealed glass office when many fire sprinklers go off in unison due to Jack's collision with Marty McFly's Delorean through the halls of CTU in last week's episode, thus flooding the room with water. Yes, it's a lot more stupider than it sounds.
Nadia is floating on a giant Grandfather clock, wherever the hell that came from. Milo is propped on the edge of the clock, submerged in the freezing water.
Milo: Nadia, it's a shame The Titanic sunk, you'll be safe on here.
Nadia: What the hell are you talking about?
Milo: We might die in here, well I might anyway.
Nadia: How many times do I have to tell you, you're already dead!?
Milo: No Nadia, don't let me up on the clock, you must live! And have children and not marry Billy Zane and whatnot.
Nadia: I wasn't going to!
Milo: Oh…..my time has come.
Nadia: I'll never let go, Milo! I'll never let go!
Milo: Oh Nadia, that's sweet.
Nadia: I said 'You better let go, Milo'. You're fat butt is dragging me into the water. God, I wish someone will save us already.
Bill and Morris are wading in the water in the corner.
Bill: So I go to McDonalds, and I'm in the drive thru. I get up to the speaker and ask, "Can you break a $50 bill". The order taker responds, "A Sausage Biscuit? Anything else?". And I'm all like, "No, I asked if you can break a $50." Then she says, "Would you like cheese on that biscuit". And again I say, "NO BITCH! Can you break my friggin $50 bill?!". Then she says, "Okay I have an Orange Juice, and a Sausage Biscuit, drive forward please." Then I just had my men blow up the building. I was really mad.
Morris: Oh, I've been there, dahling.
Reginald Jerkwad strolls by.
Reginald: Oh, when did we get an aquarium?
Nadia: Reginald, we need you to let us free.
Reginald: Well, you wouldn't be in this predicament if you didn't try to break out someone from holding. Which is punishable by death!
Nadia: No it's not! You're just….insane!
Reginald: Well then, in that case, you can just keep on swimming, bye! Mwa ha ha ha!
Nadia (grumbles): stupid cheese ball and his evil fake laugh……
Reginald walks around the corner when Bea Arthur whaps him upside the head with a computer monitor.
-KWAP!-
Reginald: Urk……(slumps to the floor)
Bea rushes over and releases the emergency lock, the door opens as a rush of water pours into the hallway.
Nadia: Oh thank….who the hell are you?
Bea Arthur: I'm Nina Myers!
Morris: Uh, dahling? You don't look like Nina Myers…
Bea Arthur: Well, she was scheduled to do this episode but changed her mind to guest star on 'How I Met Your Mother'.
Milo: I love that show!
Bea Arthur: And since she was already introduced in last week's cliffhanger….they couldn't just make her disappear.
Nadia: Well, thanks anyway for saving our butts.
Bea Arthur (drawing her gun): Who said I was saving you?
Nadia: Oh poo……
Bea Arthur motions her gun to the exit.
Nadia: I could've called in sick….but noooo….
3:09:31, The White House.
Noah: Ah, it's good to be president again.
Tom: Congratulations.
Karen: Whoopy!
Noah: Now that I have my speech ready and everything should be in order, we need to get everyone together so we can head out to the park for the press conference. Oh, Tom, did you get my pills?
Tom: Yup. This new 'Anti-Blackout' medicine should keep you in top shape for the conference. However there are a few side effects…
Noah: I'm sure it's nothing serious.
Tom reads the back of the bottle.
Tom: Side Effects Include- Dizziness, Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Confusion, Depression, Memory Disturbance, Nervousness, Decrease in Libido, Upper Respiratory Infection, Decrease in Appetite, Abdominal Pain, Fatigue, Blindness, Leprosy, Urinary Tract Infection, Impotence, Muscle and Joint Pain, Syphilis, Baldness, Skin Rash, Dry Mouth, Shortness of Breath, Rectal Discharge….and death!
Noah: WHAT THE HELL KINDA PILLS ARE THOSE?!
Tom: Mr. President, they're supposed to help you. Now take 2 every 4 hours.
Noah: -groan-
Karen: Mr. President, I don't think you should go to this conference.
Noah: Karen, I have to sign this treaty or Australia will be very mad at us.
Karen: Mr. President……I got a call from David Palmer.
Noah: Uh….he's kinda dead, Karen.
Karen: It was before he was shot. He called me and told me something that is a matter of national security!
Noah: I'm sure you're just nuts. Guards!
The Secret Service approach Karen.
Karen: Wha….What are you doing?
Noah: Karen, you're too unstable to join me at the press conference. Now just stay here until I get back.
Karen: BUT!!!...
Noah and Tom leave the room.
Karen: Don't touch me, for I will change into 'Wonder Woman!'
WONDER WOMAN!!!!!
Karen starts to spin around before she loses her balance.
Karen: oooh….oh my head…..uh….uh oh….
Karen falls to the floor. –CLUMP-
3:13:05, The Secret Service are dragging Karen face down through the hall / Bill, Nadia, Milo, and Morris are playing 'UNO' while being held hostage by Nina Myers played by special guest star Bea Arthur / Tony, Kim, and Baxter are riding back seat in an ambulance taking Doyle to the emergency room / Captain Crunch is arrested for trying to rob the store / The DeLorean zooms by.
Milo: Oooh, Nadia. Sucks to be you. (He lays down a Uno card). Draw Forty!
Nadia: Draw forty!? What the hell kinda cards are these?
Morris: House rules, dahling.
Nadia (throws her cards): Screw this game….
Bill lays his cards down.
Bill: Gin!
Bea Arthur: Will you all be quiet!?
Bill: Yeesh….
Meanwhile, in the DeLorean.
Jack (singing): Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long….
Chloe: Jack, you're singing sucks, can you stop now?
Jack: What?! I sing beautifully.
Michelle: Simon Cowell didn't think so.
Jack: -gasp-!, you saw my American Idol audition?
Michelle: Yeah, I TiVo'd it, I had a good laugh.
Chloe: Me too.
Jack: I hate you both.
Michelle: Jack, it looks like you're getting a message.
Jack: On Screen, Number 1!
Michelle: This isn't the U.S.S Enterprise, you moron! It's an audio message.
Jack: That will suffice I guess.
Speaker: Hello Jack, this is Nina Myers!
Jack: JACK BAUER GASP OF SHOCK!
Michelle: Nina, why are you alive? ..As if I have room to ask that, and better yet, why do you sound like Bea Arthur?...
Bea Arthur: Jack: I have your friends with me, if you don't turn around now I will kill them!
Chloe: Jack, Nina must be working with the Terrorists to assassinate the President!
Jack: Good job, Chloe. Michelle, give her a cookie.
Michelle stuffs a chocolate chip cookie in Chloe's mouth, she chokes on it.
Chloe: Cough! Hack! Wheeze!
Jack: Who are you working for?
Bea Arthur: Now why would I tell you that? Turn the car around now Jack.
Jack: Wait….who do you have held hostage?
Bea Arthur: The rest of CTU, Bill, Nadia, Milo, and Morris.
Jack: I thought you said you had my friends!?
Nadia: What a jerk!
Bill: All in favor of Jack getting demoted to 'Toilet Cleaner' say I.
All: I!
Bea Arthur: Turn around now, or I start killing them.
Jack: Uh……uh…….
Jack notices a package of 'Twix', he quickly opens the wrapper and stuffs both bars in his mouth.
Jack: mmm…rrhrp….pprm….mrrrphrrrwwffr…..
Bea Arthur: Jack, quit stalling for time!
Jack (swallowing the Twix): Damn, thought that would work.
Michelle: I'd turn around Jack.
Jack: WHAT!? And give in to that saucy Nina's demands? NEVER!
Michelle: We can find another way, before the press conference.
Jack: Grr….fine.
Jack does a U-Turn in the middle of the road.
Bea Arthur: Ha ha ha! Very good, Jack. That is all –click-
Jack: There must be a way to stop her.
Jack presses some buttons.
Jack: Go DeLorean!
The car does nothing.
Jack: Crap, it broke.
Michelle: Well, just as long as we find a solution within the next 45 minutes…JACK!
Jack runs the car into the side of a house through a living room. –CRASH-
Chloe: God, Jack, you almost got us killed!
Jack: Oh right, blame the driver.
Jack and the others get out of the car.
Steve Urkel (confronting Jack): Hi everyone! I see you had an accident!
Chloe: Oh crap…..(smacks her forehead).
Steve Urkel: It's a good thing you guys didn't plow through the house 5 minutes ago, or you would have hit my 'Time Machine'….
Michelle: Time Machine?
Jack: Man, I'm hungry. (Pulls out some cheese).
Urkel: Is that cheeeeeese?
Jack: Uh….yeah.
Urkel: Can I have some? I'll let you use my Time Machine.
Jack: Get your own, freeloader!
Michelle: Jack, give him the stupid cheese.
Jack: But it's my cheese!
Chloe slaps Jack's hand, the cheese falls to the floor.
Jack: Aw…..
Michelle: Okay, gotta run.
Urkel: Thanks! Just set it to the time you want.
Jack, Michelle, and Chloe step into the time machine.
Michelle: Set it to 7:00 this morning.
Jack: Why?
Michelle: Jack, when we accidentally went back the first time, you ran over that skunk which has to be the reason why Nina is now back from the dead, and since she has us in a bind and we don't have time to play her games since we are about to get blown to smithereens by the Kat-9 bomb Logan is about to give to the President, you have to fix this!
Chloe sets the time machine to 7:00am. They zap out of there. –KAZAP-
3:18:23, Ima is pulling Mandy and Logan in a rickshaw.
Ima: Can we switch now?
Logan: No, we can't stop now or we'll be late to the press conference!
Ima: Ugh….I can't believe we ran out of gas…
Logan: Yes, how unfortunate…
Mandy: Look!
They come across an air force base.
Ima: Yay…
Logan: Now how do you suppose we hijack a fighter jet?
Mandy: We'll have to be creative, I'm going.
Mandy gets off the rickshaw and starts heading toward the base. Logan and Ima follow her.
Mandy: No guards…strange.
Mandy walks past one of the hangars and notices one of the jets. Looking around, she heads up a ladder and hops into the cockpit.
Logan: Mandy, my dear, do you know what you're doing?
Mandy: Yup, he actually left the keys in here.
Logan: Uh…..I'm not going to ask.
Logan and Ima climb on board.
Ima: It's kinda….crowded in here.
Mandy: And…..we're off.
The jet slowly starts to pick up speed as it zooms down the runway, finally taking off into the air.
Mandy: We're flying! We'll make it there in no……uh…..
WARNING! OUT OF FUEL!
Mandy: Well……that isn't good.
Logan: You didn't check for fuel first?
Mandy: I got caught up in the moment.
Logan: Now we're going to crash, good going.
The jet stalls in the air and plummets toward the ground.
-CRASH-
3:22:12, the ambulance arrives at the hospital. The paramedics wheel out Doyle and into the emergency room. Tony, Kim, and Baxter follow and wait….in the waiting room.
Kim: Well, at least we can relax.
Tony: To the cafeteria!
Tony and Baxter head off. Kim walks over to a pay phone. She puts in some money and dials a number.
Jack (voice recording): You reached Jack Bauer's voice mail, if you would like to leave a message, please press 1. If you would like to hang up, please press 2.
Kim presses '1'.
Jack: If you would like to leave a long message, press 1. If you want to keep it short and sweet, press 2.
Kim presses '2'.
Jack: If you are hurt, press 1. If you are dead, press 2. If you just want to talk about the 'birds and the bees', press 9.
Kim: Ugh, that's not what I want.
She presses '0'.
Jack: …..You've reached my voicemail... if this is Kim and you are in trouble press 1….3….5…4….3….3…..1….0…Star……Pound….1….Pound….Star…0….1….1…7
Kim: ……good lord…..uh….(Presses 'Star'……then '1')
Recording: …..Good Morning, Mr. Phelps…your mission, should you choose to accept it…..
Kim: Crap, what did I do now?! (Starts randomly pressing buttons)
Recording: That is your mission, this phone will self destruct….right now.
Kim: Eeeep!
-KABOOM!-
In the cafeteria.
Tony: Man, I'm starving.
Baxter: Ditto.
They scoot through the hospital buffet.
Tony: All they have is Jello….
Baxter: And grits...ew…
Tony: eeeeh….I wonder if we have to get hurt in order to get the real food.
Baxter: Would you like for me to maul you?
Tony: Yes, please. Would you mind?
Baxter: Not at all.
Baxter bites Tony's hand.
Tony: OW! That hurt, stupid!
Baxter: I haven't even got to the mauling part yet, you big sissy! Now stand still so I can eat you!
Baxter pounces on Tony.
Tony: EEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHH!!! Help! HELP!
3:26:58, at the WHITE HOUSE!!!
Karen paces back and forth in her room.
Karen: I have to convince Noah that the conversation with David Palmer I had this morning was real, and have to convince him that I'm not crazy! Isn't that right, Rocky & Bullwinkle?
Bullwinkle: Uh yes, I would think that is correct.
Rocky the Squirrel: And now, it's time for 'Mr. Know-It-All!'.
Bullwinkle: Hello, kids. Today I'm going to show you how to convince the President that you are not crazy.
Karen: I'm listening.
Bullwinkle: First, this is the White House, so you would assume that 'all' the telephone calls were recorded. This is '24' you know, anybody can be working for the terrorists, even the president.
Karen: YOU'RE RIGHT!
Bullwinkle: Now, all you have to do is find the recording with your telephone conversation on it, present it to the president, and voila! You are no longer insane!
Rocky: Thanks 'Mr. Know-It-All'!
Karen: Excellent!
Karen leaves her room and walks down the hall to the 'Records Room'. As if such a place exists.
Karen: Bob.
Bob (guarding the door): Hello, Mrs. Hayes.
Karen: I need to get in.
Bob: I'm sorry, Mrs. Hayes, only authorized personnel is allowed.
Karen: I am the first lady! You will let me in!
Bob: No you're not…..you're head of Homeland Security…
Karen: ……..you win this round, Bob.
Karen starts to walk away.
Karen: Oh, right….
She opens up a package of 'Mentos' and pops one in her mouth.
Backup Singers (singing): doobee doowaa. It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life. Mentos is fresh and full of life…
Karen rips her skirt.
Karen: Let me in or I'll accuse you of 'Sexual Harassment!'
Bob: BYE! (He runs off)
Backup Singers (singing): Nothing gets to you, like a flesh eating shrew, Mentos is fresh and full of life!
Karen walks into the 'Records Room'.
Karen: YAY!
Backup Singers (singing): Mentos freshness, Mentos fresh fresh, Fresh Fresh Fresh Fresh Fresh Fresh, Mentos are just so 'Full Of Life'!!!
MENTOS….THE FRESHMAKER.
Karen: Way to butcher the jingle…morons. Anyhoo….
Karen takes a step and finds a tape.
Karen: Allright, this is it!
Meanwhile…
Noah: Okay, we're about ready to go.
Tom: Yup.
Karen busts in.
Karen: I got the recording of the conversation between David and I.
Karen walks over and grabs a tape recorder, and pops in the tape.
-RECORDING-
Karen (answering): Karen Hayes.
Palmer: Karen, this is David Palmer.
Karen: Oh, hi! How's it hanging?
Palmer: Not bad not bad. Karen, I have something very important that I have to tell you…..and only you.
Karen: What is it, David?
Palmer: Karen…….I saved a whole lot of money on my car insurance by switching to 'Geico'!
-END-
Karen: WHAT!? THAT'S FAKE!
Tom: Karen, it's what's on the tape.
Karen: No, that tape was altered. David Palmer warned me of a national security threatening crisis that was supposed to happen soon! And no, it wasn't your death, President Daniels, because that wouldn't make any sense.
Noah (sarcastic): Yeah, THAT wouldn't make any sense…..
Tom: GUARDS! Take her back to her padded room.
Karen: Oooh, Judas!
The guards approach Karen.
Karen: Don't touch me!...You'll pay for this……..I'll turn into Wonder Woman again….oh wait, that didn't work…..fine!
Karen storms through a door into a closet, all sorts of crap falls on her.
-CRASH-
Karen: OOF!
Noah: Ugh…let's go……
7:01:01am. Jack, Chloe, and Michelle appear in the DeLorean in front of Jack's apartment earlier this morning.
Michelle: Okay, it worked! We're back in the past.
Jack: Oooh, I need to…
Michelle: Jack, forget it. Now that nothing is unaltered, just go forward back….to the future….which is really the present….but later….whatever. Just go back to 3:30pm.
Jack puts the car in drive, he zooms forward accidentally running over Celine Dion.
Celine Dion: EEEK!
-KA-CLUMP-
Michelle: What was that?!
Jack: Uh……speed bump….?
Chloe: JACK! You just mowed down Celine Dion!
Jack: Chloe, nobody likes a tattle!
Michelle: JACK!
Jack: Can you both pleeease stop yelling at me. Here I'll back up.
Jack puts the car in 'Reverse'.
Chloe: WAIT!
-KA-CLUNK-
Michelle: Ugh……just….just go.
Jack puts the car back in 'Forward'.
-KA-CLUNK!-
The car zaps! –ZAPPP!-
Michelle: …..
Chloe: …..
Jack: ….What?
Michelle: I have nothing to say to you Jack.
Jack: Oh what's the big deal? What's going to happen?
Michelle: Jack, last time Nina Myers came back to life, who knows what you screwed up this time?
Jack: Geez…….someone's grumpy….
Michelle: Hmph……
7:33:21, Celine Dion is roadkill / Karen is in a straight jacket / Logan and friends are walking to the conference, with a long way to go / A doctor is checking up on a freshly mauled Tony, while Baxter waits by his bedside.
Baxter: Don't die on me Tony. If you do I'll have to resort to eating Kim. And she looks like she'd taste bitter.
Kim: I heard that!
Tony: Well, you could have toned it down a little, it's a miracle I'm still alive.
Baxter: Don't even get me started on that.
The nurse walks in.
Nurse Ratchett: I've brought you some dinner, Mr. Almeida.
She sets a tray of pot roast, mashed potatoes, corn, and a dinner roll in front of Tony.
Tony: I knew you get better food if you actually get checked in!
Nurse Ratchett: Now, Mr. Almeida, you just came out of surgery, the Doctor doesn't want you eating anything for at least a couple of hours.
Tony: Then why did you bring me food?
Nurse Ratchett: Just to be mean.….(She walks out)
Baxter: Oooh! How ironic. You pull this stunt to get better tasting food and now you can't eat it.
Tony: It's not ironic, it just blows.
Meanwhile, Logan and Friends are…..
Logan: …walking our butts off…..
Mandy: This is hopeless….
Ima: ……gasp….wheeze….
Suddenly they see Falkor, a flying creature that looks like a cross between a dragon and a dog, land in the parking lot of a 7-11.
Ima: What the hell is that!?
Logan: Whatever it is, we need it!
Logan and the others run up to Falkor.
Falkor: Hello, may I help you? Atreyu had to run inside to grab him some chips.
Logan: We need your assistance.
Falkor: I'm kinda busy.
Logan: Mandy…..?
Mandy pulls a gun on Falkor.
Logan: You kinda don't have a choice.
Falkor: Hop on, friends.
Logan, Mandy, and Ima climb aboard Falkor and he takes off.
Atreyu: HEY! GET BACK HERE! Well, Fantasia's screwed…The empress is going to kick my ass for this one….
3:37:12, at some park, the motorcade rolls up to where the press conference is being held.
Noah steps out of the vehicle, and walks up to meet with the President Of Australia.
P.O.A: I'm glad you could make it, Mr. President.
Noah: Same here, this will be a day that will change history forever.
Tom rolls his eyes.
P.O.A: Let us get started.
Both presidents make their way up to a stage and they take their seats at a table.
P.O.A: My vice president will be here shortly.
Noah: Splendid.
Meanwhile, the DeLorean appears at the scene….well several miles away from the park.
Jack: How inconvenient…
Michelle: Well, at lease one thing from the past was fixed and we don't have to deal with Nina anymore.
Chloe: Problem solved….albeit quite sloppy…..
The DeLorean suddenly dies…..for good.
Jack: How even more inconvenient. Allright, down to business, Chloe, you get to stay in the car.
Chloe: What?!
Jack: Michelle and I will try to stop the bomb.
Michelle: Jack, how many times do I have to tell you I'm not a field agent?
Jack: You killed a civilian from trying to escape that hotel and spreading the 'Cordilla Virus' back in season 3, did you not?
Michelle: Well…
Jack hands her a gun.
Jack: You've been promoted, let's go.
Jack and Michelle get out of the car. Chloe sits in the back.
Chloe: Jack, could you at least leave the keys!? It's hotter than hell in here!
Jack and Michelle running down the road.
-SNAP-
Michelle: ACK!
Jack: What happened?
Michelle: I broke a heel.
Jack: Oh…..(he starts to run)
Michelle: Aren't you going to carry me?
Jack: You must be joking, I'm not your husband.
Michelle: Jack, I can't run wobbly like this, and there's pointy rocks everywhere.
Jack: Ugh….
Jack picks up Michelle and starts galloping to the park.
Jack: This is going to cut down our time, immensely.
Michelle: What is THAT supposed to mean?!
3:42:31, Karen is sitting in her room, waiting.
Karen: Man, I can't just sit here when something bad is going to happen to the president. I know!
Karen presses a buzzer.
A maid walks in.
Maid: Did you need something cleaned Mrs….
Karen whaps the maid with a 'TV Guide' magazine. –FWAP!-
Maid: What was that for?
Karen: Uh…..hold on.
Karen grabs a lamp.
-WHACK!-
The maid falls to the ground.
Karen: Now to do a little clothes switching…that will get me out of here…..
Karen starts to put on the maid's clothes.
Karen: Aw man, this maid is too skinny. These wont make it over my butt.
Karen hits the buzzer, another Maid walks in.
Maid: Did you call, Mrs……
Karen lunges for the Lamp. -WHACK!-
The maid falls to the floor.
Karen starts to put on her clothes.
Maid: Ugh, this maid is too fat! These fall off of me!
Karen hits the buzzer again.
Maid: You rang?
-WHACK-
Karen puts on her clothes.
Karen: Just right!
Karen makes her way down the hall.
Maid Captain: THERE YOU ARE!
Karen: Uh…….what?
Maid Captain: I've been looking all over for you. I was trying to get a hold of Cindy, Mindy, and Lindy but they have all disappeared!
Karen (nervously looking back to her room): Oh…..yea about that……
Maid Captain: Well, we have to get going.
Karen: What? Oh, no there's a misunderstanding.
Maid Captain: Are you pretending to be a maid? Because that's a federal offense that is punishable by death!
Karen: Oh!...I mean…..'I can't wait to leave this hell hole….'
Maid Captain: That's the spirit! Come on.
Karen follows the Maid Captain out of the White House into the Van.
3:47:02, Falkor lands at the park behind a giant tree. Logan, Mandy, and Ima hop off and start preparations.
Mandy: So, how do we do this?
Logan: I'll dress in drag….
Mandy & Ima: Again?!
Logan: Silence! Anyway, I'll make my way up there and hand the KAT-9/Easy Bake Oven to the President as a peace offering. I sprint back to our friend Falkor here, and we fly to safety and detonate the bomb. President is dead, we get our money, and the villains live happily ever after, The End.
Mandy: Whatever.
Logan: Okay, where's the detonator?
Mandy and Ima look at each other.
Logan: You lost the detonator…..great. Ok, we might be able to survive this.
Logan starts to get dressed, he puts on some makeup and grabs the bomb. He makes his way to the stage.
Secret Service: What is this?
Logan: Uh….a gift….
Secret Service: Aw, how nice. Go ahead.
Logan goes up the stairs and to the Presidents.
Logan: Oh hello….my name is…..'Rhonda', I just wanted to come here and offer this, as a token of my appreciation. This signing of the 'Best Friends Forever' treaty between our countries is just a happy and memorable event….
Ima: He's getting too into the part.
Mandy: Agreed.
Logan: And being a citizen of…..(To the presidents) What country are you? Russia?
President Of Australia: Australia.
Logan: Being an Australian citizen myself…I…..just…..am sooo happy……-sniff-
Logan notices Mandy giving a 'Wrap It Up' motion with her hands.
Logan: Thanks for everything. BYE! (He hands Noah the 'gift' and runs off stage).
Noah: Hey, it's an 'Easy Bake Oven', let's test it. Hmm, looks like it has a bagel inside it already.
Logan and Mandy look at Ima.
Ima: Oh crap, forgot that was in there.
Logan: YOU TRIED TO USE IT!?! You could have killed us all.
Ima: I know how it works, dummy. Just as long as you don't set it for '30 seconds', the bomb won't activate.
Logan: Well, that's just great. How are we going to get them to….
Noah: Here, do something with this bagel.
The Australian Consul arrives on stage.
Australian Consul: I'll eat it!
The Consul starts to eat the bagel.
Noah: Now, to commemorate this joyous occasion, let's cook….this brownie in here. Anybody know how long a brownie takes?
Logan (shouts): 30 SECONDS!
Mandy slaps him.
Mandy: Are you nuts!? They'll catch us.
Noah: I heard someone say 30 seconds, okay.
Noah slides the brownie into the Easy Bake Oven, and hits 3…….then 0………then…..
Jack: STOP!!!!!!! (He fires a gun) –BANG BANG BANG-
The Australian Consul is surprised by the gunfire and starts to choke on his bagel. Jack and Michelle run up on stage.
Jack: Move! (Jack pushes the Consul out of the way). Michelle, see what you can do.
Michelle: I'll try, though the person who can actually accomplish this, you left in the car.
Jack: I'm not perfect, get her on the phone. (He hands Michelle his cell phone).
Michelle nervously dials Chloe's cell phone.
Chloe is back in the car, she answers her phone.
Chloe: O'Brian…
Michelle: Chloe, it's Michelle, Jack was an idiot and didn't bother to bring you along and I need some assistance on how to disarm this thing. I took some bomb disarming courses at the Community College, but I never had to deal with anything like this.
Chloe: Okay, Michelle, slow down. First, remove the top cover.
Michelle reaches in her pockets and pulls out a screwdriver, she unscrews the top cover of the oven and removes it.
Michelle: Got it.
Chloe: Okay, now inside there should be a silver box with a serial number on it, see it?
Michelle: Yeah…..
She moves in, her elbow accidentally hits the 'Start' button, initiating the device.
-BEEP-
Jack: Uh oh.
Michelle: Chloe, the device has been armed! I only have 30 seconds before it goes off.
The crowd starts screaming and running around.
Mandy: RUN!
Logan: They armed the bomb; we need to get out of here now!
They jump on Falkor as he starts to take off.
Logan: But first…..stop over 'there' for a second…..
Michelle: Chloe, I'm running out of time!
Chloe: Take the cover off the silver box, and now you have to disable the wire that controls the timer.
Michelle quickly unscrews the box.
Jack: Hurry Michelle, there's only 15 seconds left…….
Michelle: Chloe, there's a Red wire and a Green wire, which one is it?
Jack: It's always a Red and Green wire with these things...
Chloe: You need to cut the….ACK! –Phone Static-
Michelle: Chloe?...Chloe!?...
Jack: Uh Michelle?
Michelle: I don't know……..what do you think?
Jack: …….Red!
Michelle: Green it is!
Jack: Hmph!
Michelle cuts the green wire the clock stops at '1'…..
Tom faints.
Michelle: That was too close. Come on Jack, something happened to Chloe.
Jack: Allright, The day has been saved, Thanks to 'The Bauer-Puff Girls!'.
Michelle: Oh, shut up!
They run off.
Meanwhile, at the hospital.
Kim: How are you doing, Doyle?
Doyle: I'm doing good, the doctor says I should be out of here in a couple of hours.
Kim: That's good.
Doyle: Well, you guys should get to the Park as fast as you can and try to meet up with Jack.
Kim: Yeah. Well, I'll send Tony and Baxter in here. You going to be okay?
Doyle: Yeah, my sister 'Melinda Doyle' will be here shortly.
Kim: Man, these 'Surprise Family Members' are becoming too much. Okay, well, you get some rest.
Doyle: Okay.
Kim walks out of Doyle's room and down to Tony's, where he and Baxter are standing outside.
Kim: And how are you holding up?
Tony: Much better. No thanks to Simba here!
Baxter: Don't make me attack you again.
Kim: Well, you guys should go check on Doyle, the doctor says he should make a full recover….
A shot rings out –BANG- Kim, Tony, and Baxter hit the floor.
Tony (mysterious Southern accent): What in tarnation was that!?
An assassin realizes he missed and starts coming after them.
Kim: ACK! He's coming after us!
Baxter: We better get moving!
Kim, Tony, and Baxter run through the hospital corridor being pursued by the killer.
Kim: Dead end!
Baxter: This way!
They burst though a side door, up a flight of stairs.
The screen splits down at 3:56:12. Baxter, Kim, and Tony are quickly climbing stairs trying to lose the assassin / Karen is riding in the back seat of the 'Maid Van' to some place / Jack and Michelle are running as fast as they can back to the broke down DeLorean to check on Chloe / Bill walks down the stairs to the main hall of CTU, he gets on the phone / Morris and Milo are watching 'Leave It To Beaver' on a portable TV / Nadia is fixing her makeup in the women's restroom / Doyle is confused what all the noise was, he stares out the window. His sister, Melinda, arrives. / Audrey is still comatose / Noah and Tom look at each other nervously as the Australian president watches the Consul of his country be zipped up in a body bag / Logan, Ima, Mandy are flying on Falkor to their next destination, with Chloe who's unconscious.
Jack and Michelle arrive at the car.
Michelle: Chloe's gone!
Jack: Good going, Michelle!
Michelle What?! How is it my fault?
Jack: We better get back to CTU.
Michelle: And how do you suppose we do that?
Jack: ….Call CTU!
Michelle: Well, that's actually a good idea. Have a cookie.
She stuffs a cookie in Jack's mouth.
Jack: Blargh….
Michelle dials CTU's number.
Bill (answering): Buchanan.
Michelle: Bill, it's Michelle, we managed to stop the bomb from going off at the Presidential Press Conference but our car is broke down and Chloe has been kidnapped. We need some transportation now.
Bill: Okay…..oh, and CTU Director Palmer wishes to speak with you and Jack.
Michelle (shocked): ……….uh……what?
Bill: Let me transfer you, a ridiculously fast helicopter will be there shortly.
Michelle (lowering the phone): Bill is transferring me to a 'Director Palmer'.
Jack: Probably another one of David's lost brothers or sisters.
Palmer: Michelle, this is Sherry Palmer, what is your status?
Michelle (screaming): Holy freaking crap! Dammit Jack!
She throws the phone at him.-CLUNK-
Jack: Ow! What did I do now?
Michelle: Sherry Palmer is the director of CTU!
Jack: This probably has something to do with me running over Celine Dion, doesn't it?
Michelle: I hate you so much…..
In the Maid Van….
Karen: Where are we going?
Maid Captain: You should know, you were briefed this morning….unless you aren't one of us!
Karen: Oh no! I am….I was just….testing you, smarty pants...
Karen looks over at a bag of laundry. She checks to see if the Captain is looking. She grabs the first article of clothing she can find, the tag reading 'Property of Agatha Bauer' on it.
Karen: Who writes that on a tag? I mean, come on.……
At the Conference.
The President Of Australia confronts Noah and Tom.
P.O.A: President Daniels, this is unforgivable!
Noah: Well, we didn't do anything!
P.O.A: That moron federal agent got my Consul killed. I want justice, or there will be consequences.
Noah: Like what?
P.O.A: I want Bauer handed over to Australian authorities by tonight, or you will leave us no choice but to declare war on your country.
Noah: Oh please, our country is much larger than yours.
Tom: Mr. President. I wouldn't recommend starting a spat with Australia, they may be the smaller than us in size, but they have enough missiles and firearms to wipe out almost 75 of our troops. We want to be on their good side, why do you think you're signing this stupid 'Best Friends Forever' treaty?!
Noah: Oh……well damn…..
At the hospital.
Kim, Baxter, and Tony reach the roof.
Kim: We're on the roof, now what are we going to do?
A helicopter lands on the helipad.
Kim: Who's that?!
Some guards jump out of the helicopter and grab Kim and Tony.
Kim: Hey! What's going on?
Captain of the Guards: Good work, Baxter. With Kimberly here, we have leverage to get Bauer to do whatever we want.
Kim: Wha….What!?
Baxter: It was a piece of cake……
Tony: You fiend!
Baxter: Take them away.
Kim is speechless. The guards drag her and Tony to the helicopter. Baxter climbs into the passenger side of the helicopter as it starts to lift off the ground.
Tony: Kim….has anybody ever told you that you have terrible taste in men?
Kim: ……. (She looks out the window)
3:59:57
3:59:58
3:59:59
4:00:00
NEXT TIME ON 24…..
-SWOOSH-
Kim is in one of the terrorists bedrooms.
Kim: Audrey, we have to get out of here soon or we'll get caught.
Audrey: Right.
There's tapping at the window.
Kim walks over and opens it, she finds Steve Urkel on the ground below throwing pebbles to get her attention.
Kim: What do you want!?
Steve Urkel: I love you, Lara Winslow!!
Kim: I'm not Lara Winslow, you psycho! Go away!
She slams the window shut.
-SWOOSH-
Morris is sitting on a bench, Doyle sits next to him.
Morris: Hi there. Mah name's Morris. Morris Gump!
Morris hands Doyle a box.
Morris: You know mah momma always said…
Doyle: Yea, 'Life Is Like a Box Of Chocolates' no one cares!
Morris: You son of a…
Morris beats Doyle to death with the box.
Doyle: ACK!
-WHAP! WHAP!-
Morris: There.
Police: Hey! He just murdered that guy! Get him!
Morris: Uh oh!
Morris takes off running.
Jenny: RUN MORRIS!!! RUUUN!!!!
-SWOOSH-
Noah: I don't appreciate being threatened like this, Mr. President Of Australia.
P.O.A: I want Bauer in custody for killing our consul by 9:00….or your country will pay dearly…..
Tom: Mr. President, we cannot afford to have this war….especially since we spent our entire budget hosting the 'White House Carnival'!
They notice Karen zooming by outside on some contraption.
Karen (screaming): I want off!...Someone get me off of heeeere!...I'm goooing to thrrroooww uuupppp!
-AND FINALLY-
Jack Bauer is……Agent 0024!...
Jack: The name is Bauer……James Bauer.
M: James, you are a part of his majesty's secret service. You must go on a mission to find out who is plotting to blow up the Queen.
Jack: Right!
M: Now, 'Q' will brief you on the types of gadgets you will be using.
Jack: He's 'Q' and you're 'M', why is everyone named 'Letters' around here? Geez….
Q: Hello, Bauer. Now you will need this device in order to….
Jack: Hey, what's this?
Jack grabs a submarine sandwich.
Q: That would be my lunch.
Jack: No, really, what is it?
Jack fondles the sandwich until he presses something, a missile goes off in M's face.
M: ACK!
-KA-PLOWEE!-
Q: Oh my god!
Jack: …yeeaa…..this job really isn't my style….I'm going to have to put in my notice….bye!
Jack runs like hell.
AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT WEEK……beep…..beep……beep……beep…..