Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that jazz, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Elvis impersonators were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 11
5:00pm-6:00pm 'Cursed'
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!
Paul: It's that time of season again!
Sam: Yay!
Fred: That's right! It's time for 'Fan Appreciation Week' here on 24!
Paul: Woot!
Fred: You the fans write to us and give us episode ideas and if yours is the best we use that idea for the show this week!
Paul: And I have the winning idea in my hand right now!
Fred: Uh……what? You already chose one? I didn't even get to read it yet!
Paul: Yeah, I hope it's a good one.
Fred: You haven't even read it yet!?
Paul: And here we go…..
----FAN LETTER----
Dear Fox writers,
I love the show, but Karen is the only one I like. So this episode, kill off everybody and let the plot focus just on Karen, thanks. Hugs and Kisses!
Stinky Susie,
Age 5
---------FIN---------
Fred: Oh great…..
Paul: hmmmm…….Ok…..it can be done!
Fred: I feel an illness coming on…
-LATER-
Beep…..beep…..beep……beep…..bepbepbepbepbpebpebpepbe…...THE KAREN HAYES SHOW!!!
Karen: That's me!
-SWOOSH-
Announcer: The New Adventures Of Old Karen Hayes is filmed in front of a live studio audience!
Karen: WHAT!? How rude! Why I oughtta….
7:00:01….Karen's House.
Karen: Yum, breakfast!
Karen opens her fridge.
Karen: NO MILK!!!! I better get to the store!
Karen runs to her car.
Karen: I locked my keys in my car. Better run for it.
9:45:22 Karen is panting while running to the store / A jug of milk waits on the shelf / The clerk sits at the counter / CTU explodes. –KABOOM!-
Karen: God, that took forever! Why do I live so far away from the grocery store? Oh well.
Karen runs in.
Karen: The last milk!
Karen runs up there and reaches for the jug the same exact time as Nadia.
Nadia: My milk!
Karen: Not so fast!
Karen pulls out two machine guns and mows down Nadia. –RATTATTATATATATAATTATTAT-
Nadia falls, Karen catches the milk.
Karen: Score one for Karen!
The cops arrive and arrest her.
Karen: Oh crap.
12:34:22, The State Prison.
Announcer: The Karen Hayes Show is filmed in front of a live studio audience!
Karen: You said that already!
A judge walks by.
Judge: Death Penalty by the way!
Karen: Oh crap.
Karen grabs a spoon.
Karen: It's the only way.
1:49:22, Karen is digging / The guards are confused / Nadia wakes up / Jack runs into the grocery store.
Karen: Free at last!
Karen runs back home.
4:55:57, Karen's house.
Announcer: Golden Girls is filmed in front of a live studio…
Karen: Shut up already!
Karen busts through the door. –WHAMP!-
Karen: Oh no, I forgot my milk! It's almost dinner time though…..what should I do!?
The screen shrinks down at 4:55:59, Karen sits in her living room / The guards get some hounds ready to track down Karen's scent / Nadia and Jack walk out of the store / The clerk closes up shop / The jug of milk is spilt all over the floor of the store / Bill is taking a nap…..
Karen: Uh……
…..Milo creates a scrapbook / Morris and Chloe watch a 'Chuck Norris' marathon / The terrorists are on their way and are up to no good….
Karen: We don't need this many screens....it's getting a little crowded in here….hello? HELLO!?
….Sherry gives herself a manicure / Doyle and Audrey play a few rounds of Poker / Noah and Tom are also taking a nap / Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown just as he goes to kick it.
Charlie Brown: AAAARRRGH!
Charlie Brown falls and breaks his neck. –SNAPPITY!-
Lucy: Charlie Brown, You Blockhead!
Karen: -sigh-
4:59:57
4:59:58
4:59:59
5:00:00
Paul: …..
Fred: …..
Sam: …..
Fred: Okay, no more 'Fan Appreciation Weeks'….
Sam: Agreed.
Paul: You would think Charlie Brown would learn to stop trying to kick the football…..moron….
Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…….bepbepbepbepbepbpepbepbepbep…..24!!!!!
Audrey: Previously on 'That's So 24!'
-SWOOSH-
Kim: ACK! We're being kidnapped! (KIM BAUER)
Kim: How could you turn us over to the terrorists, Baxter?! Especially when I'm carrying your baby!
Baxter: WHAT!?
Tony (chowing down on popcorn): Oh no she di-iint! (TONY ALMEIDA)
-SWOOSH-
Tom: Mr. President, we have to find a way to please Australian President Harry Love, and not take Jack out of the field. We have to stop these terrorist, whoever they are and whatever they're doing.
Cut to Agatha sitting in a leather chair stroking her Persian cat.
Agatha: Excellent! MWA HA HA! (AGATHA BAUER)
Noah: We might have no choice… (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)
Jack's car flies off the bridge and upside down in a trench, Jack passes out. (JACK BAUER'S CAR)
Driver: It's been done… (MYSTERIOUS DRIVER)
-SWOOSH-
Nadia: I've been stuck in this bathroom for the entire episode! Surely there's something crucial to the plot in store for Nadia! (NADIA YASSIR)
A hand clamps over Nadia's mouth, she's getting kidnapped (THE MYSTERIOUS HAND)
Sherry: If that stupid health inspector fails us, which he will, CTU will be shut down and everybody on Earth will die…… (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
Morris: Don't worry, Dahling. Morris has got it under control.
Morris removes a tube from his desk.
Morris: With this Blow Dart filled with tranquilizer juice, he'll be out in no time flat.
Morris puts the tube in his mouth and takes a breath. –SHOINK-
Morris: URK! CHOKE!
Morris falls to the ground.-CRASH-
Michelle: You were supposed to breathe in before blowing into the tube, you idiot!
-SWOOSH-
Karen: I have to hide somewhere! Oh, better get ready for my close-up! (KAREN HAYES, THE STAR OF THE SHOW)
Jack: No she's not!
Karen: Shh! Uh oh, better seek refuge in this IHOP.
Karen runs in.
Manager: You work here now.
Karen: Oh goody.
-SWOOSH-
Logan: Okay, were here. (CHARLES LOGAN AND FRIENDS)
Chloe gets thrown into a cell.
Mysterious Silhouette: You failed me for the last time, Logan!
Logan falls through a trap door, probably to his demise.
Logan: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Bill and Milo walk through the hall of Agatha Bauer's mansion.
Milo: It's Showtime! Let's raise some hell! YEAH!
Bill: Right!
Someone fires a gun. –BANG-
Milo: EEEP!
Milo jumps in Bill's arms.
Milo: I startled.
Bill: I noticed….
Tony: The following takes place between 5:00pm and 6:00pm….what the!? Baxter, quit gnawing on my leg, we haven't got to that scene yet!
Baxter: Sorry.
A car is flipped upside down in a ditch since our last episode.
Jack slowly gains consciousness as his hands motions toward the belt buckle red button release lock thingy. – 2 creativity points.
Jack lets himself loose as he tries to move around the crushed vehicle. His hand bumps into the radio.
Radio (blaring): Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleeeeon!
Jack: Oh god…..
He whaps the radio. –WHAP!-
Announcer: Now, here's the Backstreet Boys!
Backstreet Boys (singing): Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleeeeon!
Jack: UGH!
Jack hits the radio again. –WHAP!-
Announcer: Now here's The Spice Girls pretending to be The Backstreet Boys!
Spice Girls (in low British accents): Karma Karma Karma!
Jack: AAAHH!
Jack pulls out his gun and shoots the radio. –KA BANG!-
Jack: I think someone is trying to kill me.
Meanwhile, At CTU!
Sherry is pissed.
Sherry: I'm pissed!
Ugh….
Sherry walks up to Morris and Michelle.
Sherry: This stupid health inspector couldn't have shown up at a more inconvenient time!
Morris: Seriously, dahling!
Michelle: Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.
Sherry: Maybe….
Mr. Clean (The Health Inspector) shows up.
Mr. Clean: I have your results…..
Sherry: Take these results!
Michelle: I hope she's not going to flash him!
Sherry pulls a giant lever; Mr. Clean falls down through a trap door.
Mr. Clean: Noooooooooooo! –Splat!-
Sherry: We win!
Michelle: Sherry, you're so awesome!
Morris: You're my hero, dahling! Let us be your personal slaves!
Michelle: Sherry Palmer, we herby declare you President Of Earth!
Sherry: Excellent!
Money starts flying from the ceiling as Sherry rolls around in it.
-Yeah Right-
Michelle: You can snap out of it now.
Sherry: A girl can dream, a girl can dream…..
Mr. Clean comes up.
Mr. Clean: Well, I'm done with the 1st floor offices.
Morris: Yeah?! Well, we're not going to take any of your crap! Come on Sherry, show him the goods!
Sherry and Michelle glare at Morris.
Morris: Oh……this isn't another hallucination, is it?
Michelle: Uh, no.
Morris: I'm going to walk away now.
Michelle: That would be best.
Morris waddles over to his chair and sits down.
Michelle: Mr. Clean, may I ask you…..
Morris: Michelle! I sent you a friend request on Myspace! Did you get it yet?
Michelle: SHUT UP, MORRIS! Anyway, why did you come now, of all times?!
Mr. Clean: I got a disturbance call, from what I assume was a disgruntled employee.
-Flashback-
Stinky Susie (from accounting): Yes, the place is a pig sty. It's just unsanitary! You should inspect!
Mr. Clean: I will, Stinky Susie! I will…..
Mr. Clean hangs up and runs out the door.
Susie: Heh heh heh. That'll teach them for firing me!
-Fin-
Michelle: Stinky Susie!? Give me a break; she got fired, like, 46 episodes ago! Nobody cares about her!
Morris: I believe she was just only in one of the 'Misadventures Of The '24' writers' segment.
Mr. Clean: Regardless, I have a job to do.
Morris: Flash him now, Sherry dahling!
Michelle and Sherry: Shut up, Morris!
5:07:22, at Agatha Bauer's house.
Tony: In the prison where we are about to get eaten….
Baxter puts a bib on.
Tony: ACK!
Chloe: You, talking cat! You do not want to eat us!
Tony: Man, I wished we had someone here to save us!
Chloe: …..
Baxter: …….(sharpens his knives)
Tony: uh…..I said….'I wish we had someone here to save us!'
Chloe: ………what are you doing?
Tony: Well, when I say that, Jack should burst into the room and save loyal cast members Tony and Chloe, right?!
Chloe: ……You know that's a load of bull, right?
Tony: I know, we're as good as dead!
Underdog flies in.
Underdog: There's no need to fear, Underdog is here!
Tony: YAY!
Guard: Hey! Visiting Hours are over pal! You'll have to come back tomorrow.
Underdog: Oh, sorry. Well, bye now!
Tony: Wait, no! Don't go!
Chloe: Crap!
Chloe bangs her head against the wall.
Baxter slowly approaches Tony.
Tony: Oh! You're going to eat me first, huh! We'll….fine! I see how it is.
Baxter leans up against Tony.
Baxter: Here….
Baxter hands him a key.
Tony: Uh…..
Baxter: Now, you two get ready to run for it.
Baxter turns around and jumps on the guard. –POUNCE!-
Guard: ACK!
Tony bolts out of the cell.
Chloe: HEY! What about me!?
Tony (yelling back): I wish you the best of luck, friend!
Chloe: WHAT?! Get your butt back here!
5:12:11, back at Agatha's Mansion……well……in another part of Agatha's Mansion.
Kim is locked in a bedroom.
Kim: Oh this sucks….now what am I going to do?
There's a knock at the door.
-KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!-
Kim: Who is it?
Beast: It's me, The Beast! Come down for dinner!
Kim: NO!
Beast: You better, or bad stuff will happen to you!
Kim: Bring it!
Beast: RAWR!
He storms off.
Kim: Boo hoo!
Kim jumps on the bed; suddenly the dresser starts to talk.
Dresser: Don't cry, my child!
Kim: ACK!
Dresser: What?
Kim: You can talk?! Talking furniture!? That's insane! I've never heard of something so unrealistic and preposterous in the world of '24'….
Meanwhile, Tony, Chloe, and Baxter The Talking Cougar….
Kim: HEY! I'm not done with my scene yet, bastards!
Dresser: All you need is some clothes!
Kim: NO! I'm not dancing with that hideous beast.
Dresser: Hmm…..well…..
Kim: What?
Dresser: He's not really a beast!
Kim: Uh……
Dresser: He is put under a spell…..a horrible curse.
Kim: I couldn't care less….
Dresser: Here's what went down….
Kim: Ugh….
Dresser: The beast used to be a beautiful prince….
Kim: 'Beautiful'?
Dresser: He was the handsomest prince in all the land. And he lived in this house with his servants.
Kim: Isn't this Agatha Bauer's house?
Dresser: I'm getting there, hold your horses!
Kim: Oh, sorry.
Dresser: Anyway, one day an evil witch came to visit the house. She was selling…..I don't know, let's say makeup.
Kim: WAS THE WITCH AGATHA BAUER!?
Dresser: Shut your yap and let me finish the story, dammit!
Kim: Whoops….go on.
Dresser: The witch was offering her makeup……
Kim: What kind of makeup did she have?
The Dresser opens one of her doors and shoots a jockstrap at Kim's face. –SPLAT!-
Kim: EW! Gross…..
Dresser: Don't interrupt me again!
Kim: Fine!
Dresser: Uh……oh crap, I lost my place. I hope you're happy!
Kim: Witch was offering makeup.
Dresser: Oh, right. Anyway, the witch was offering makeup and the Prince goes…
-FLASHBACK-
Prince: Makeup?! I don't want any of your makeup you hideous hag!
Witch: Hag?! How dare you, don't judge people by their appearance. I'll cast a curse on you now!
Prince: A Curse?!
Witch: Is there an echo in here….yeesh.
Prince: Get lost!
Witch: You will see what it's like to be ugly.
The witch pulls out a wand and casts a spell.
Witch: Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I was an ugly, and now you will be ugly now!
Prince: That doesn't rhyme! God, you're a sucky witch!
-ZAP-
-FIN-
Dresser: And the evil witch put a curse on the Prince and all of his servants, including me!
Kim: Sorry I wasn't paying attention, can you start all over?
Dresser: And that witch is……..AGATHA BAUER!
DUHN DUHN DUUUUUUUHN!
Kim: Uh, hello? I assumed that already! But you still didn't answer my question on how this is Agatha's house!
Dresser: She magically made the house hers, and she moved in.
Kim: That's all!?
Dresser: She's a witch, she can do anything!
Kim: Question, if she's a witch, why is she working for the terrorists? Couldn't she just turn everybody in the world into a broom, or a toaster, or a George Foreman grill, or whatever!
Dresser: She lost her witchy powers the following day.
Kim: What a lame ass excuse!
Dresser: I just tell the stories.
Kim: Ugh….
Dresser: There is ONE way to break the spell.
Kim: What spell?
Dresser: The curse on the beast.
Kim: What beast?
Dresser: The one we've been talking about, you dolt!
Kim: Oh.
Dresser: In the west wing of the house, there is a rose that is losing its petals. If the beast's true love tells says she loves him by the time the final petal falls, the spell will be broken. If not, they will be doomed forever!
Kim: Why would Agatha keep such an item in her own house!?
Dresser: Stop asking stupid questions!
Kim: Well……just sayin….
Dresser: Now, I'm asking you. Go eat dinner, fall in love with the beast, and live happily ever after!
Kim: WHAT!? I don't even love the beast….wait…..do you want me to do this so that you can be freed?
Dresser: Well, duh.
Kim: Fine…..whatever.
Dresser: Wear this.
The dresser shoots out a yellow dress towards Kim.
Kim: OOF!
5:18:01, Kim is getting dressed for dinner / Jack is wandering about outside the wreckage / Sherry and Michelle brainstorm while Morris eats a snow cone / Karen proceeds to wait on tables at IHOP
Karen: Meanwhile, at IHOP, Karen was waiting on tables and having a crappy time!
Manager: Who are you talking to?
Karen: Nobody! So boss, did I earn my pay?
Manager: Uh, it hasn't even been 30 minutes!
Karen: Oh, it's one of those jobs.
Manager: Go wait on those people.
Karen turns around to see the maids who were chasing her; they sit down at a table.
Karen: EEP!
Manager: Well, go already.
Karen: Uh…..uh…..
Manager: Go on!
The manager pushes Karen.
Karen slowly walks toward the table. She quickly grabs a woman's scarf off her neck.
Woman: GARG! BLECH! CHOCK!
Karen: Sorry, I need this.
Karen wraps the scarf around her, and masks her voice. She approaches the table with the maids.
Karen (in a high squeaky pitched voice): Helloo!
Maid: Uh, you look familiar.
Karen: Nonsense! May I take your order?
Maid 2: Okay….um…..I'll have an order of pancakes.
Karen: Sorry, we don't have pancakes here.
Maid 2: You're the International House Of Pancakes!
Karen: Uh….uh…..sorry, don't speak English. Bye now!
Karen runs off. The maids are confused.
5:21:04, at the White House.
Noah sits down in his chair. Tom comes in.
Tom: Mr. President, we have the photo of Jack's 'accident'.
Noah: Good, good. All we have to do is send that picture to the Australian president. He'll call off the war since he'll think Jack is dead, and Jack can continue to stop the terrorists!
Tom: Whoopty doo!
Noah (pointing): To the teleconference room!
Noah and Tom run over to two poles, one labeled 'President' and one labeled 'Tom'. They jump on the poles and slide down to a room far underneath the earth's surface.
Noah: Where the hell are we?
Tom: I don't know. The teleconference room was right next door to the oval office.
Noah: WHAT!? Why didn't you tell me that before we slid down practically to the center of the earth!
Tom: Uh….
Noah: Now how the hell do we get up back up?
Tom: We climb?
Noah: I think it's time we used an emergency 'break the 24 real time format' law.
Tom: Sounds good to me!
24 WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Chloe is dressed like a caveman.
Chloe: Why am I the one that always gets duped into these stupid scenarios!
Jack: Save money on your car insurance by switching to Geico! It's so easy, a caveman can do it!
Chloe: Wow, that does sound easy.
Director: CUT!
Chloe: WHAT!?
Director: You are a caveman, he just made a derogatory comment about your kind, you are pissed! And must seek justice for this horrible act!
Chloe: Whatever!
Meanwhile, on The People's Court.
Announcer: This is Caveman O'Brian.
Chloe: -sigh-
Announcer: She's a caveman that has been offended and humiliated with this stupid Geico commercial that just won't go away!
Chloe: Arg! Leggo My Eggo!...WHAT!? I can't believe you just made me say that! Cut that part out…..
Announcer: And this is Jack Bauer, he's the man responsible for these commercials. O'Brian is suing for Eleventy Billion Dollars!
Chloe: Good grief!
Real Cases, Real Litigants, This is 'THE PEOPLE'S COURT!'.
Chloe: Can we please get back to the show? This costume is itchy.
WE'RE NOW BACK TO 24!
Noah: Wow, that was some climb!
Tom: I know! I'm beat.
Noah and Tom walk into the next room and sit down at a conference table with the huge teleconference screen.
Noah: Okay…..
Lt. Commander Data: Captain, I'm getting a distress signal.
Tom: Where the hell did he come from!?
Noah: On screen.
Klingon: Captain Daniels, you will surrender all of your entire crew's supply of 'Red Bull and Cheetos!' or we will fire at will!
Noah: You must have the wrong number, get me the Australian President!
Klingon: You left me no choice! Fire Photon Torpedoes!
Tom: ACK!
-BOOM!-
The camera shakes violently as Tom and Noah fly out of their chairs.
Tom: OOF!
Noah: Australian President! NOW!
The channel changes to Harry Love, The Australian President.
Harry: Hello, President Daniels. Any updates on Bauer?
Noah: Jack Bauer is dead!
Harry: Again?
Noah: Here is the proof!
Noah submits the picture into a scanner and Harry receives the picture on his end.
Harry: This is a picture of Mr. Lennox singing at a karaoke bar!
Noah: WHAT!?
Tom: Ah, good times.
Noah: Sorry, here's the actual picture.
Harry receives the picture and looks it over with a magnifying glass.
Harry: I'm convinced; I'm calling off the war!
Noah: Whew! That was easy…
Noah and Tom walk out of the room.
Harry turns off his monitor.
Australian Vice President: Well, that's the end of that I guess.
Harry: I'm not 100 convinced.
AVP: Oh?
Harry: Something doesn't add up…………they haven't heard the last of Australia!
AVP: Oh boy….
5:27:11, once again back at Agatha Bauer's house.
Bill and Milo are running through the halls.
Bill: Great! We're lost.
Milo: Don't worry! I have the map right here…..oh…..no this is a map of The Addams' Family's house.
Bill: Wonderful!
Enemy Storm troopers: Hey! There they are! Imposters!
Milo: What?
Bill: Oh crap, we're still in these suits!
Milo: Oh yea, why didn't we put their helmets on?
Bill: Forget it! Run!
Bill and Milo take off down the hallway; they reach a fork in the road.
Bill: Let's go left!
The start to swing around the left corner when they crash into Baxter, Tony, and Chloe.
Bill: ACK!
Tony: OOF!
Chloe: Owie….
Bill: Hey, you guys are okay!
Tony: Yeah, no thanks to Simba here! He was about to eat us!
Baxter: I told you I was sorry. I couldn't blow my cover. That's why I had to turn you over to Agatha's cronies!
Tony: He's an undercover agent trying to take down Agatha's tyranny from the inside.
Bill: Oh. Well, we're being chased….so.
Baxter: This way, up these stairs.
Tony: Right!...wait…..
The others stop.
Tony: You're not leading us to another trap, are you?
Baxter: Tony, if I was still a bad guy, I would have either A) Eaten you already. Or B) Left you in the prison. Most likely A. Can we go now?
Tony: Well….
The Enemy Storm Troopers open fire.
Tony: Yes! You're fine! We trust you now!
Baxter, Tony, Chloe, Bill and Milo rush up a small stairway.
Baxter: I have a chopper waiting for us on the roof. It's a good chopper this time!
Tony: Uh….I'm feeling like we're forgetting something.
Baxter: Oh crap, Kim!
Tony: No that's not it……..Did I leave the stove on when I left home this morning?
Baxter: We have to go back to get Kim!
Bill: Yeah, Jack would be quite peeved if we forgot about her.
Baxter: All I know is that she is been locked away in a private cell on the 4th floor detention level.
Bill: Okay, Chloe, Milo, and I will head there.
Baxter: Right. Me and Tony will proceed to the security room and disable the cameras so the alarm won't go off.
They split up. Tony and Baxter run down one end of the hall, while Bill's team runs to the other end of the corridor where another stairwell awaits.
Milo: I hope nothing bad happens to us.
Chloe: Nice going, Milo. You jinxed us.
Milo: There's no such thing as jinxing.
A trap door opens beneath their feet. Bill, Chloe, and Milo fall through the hole. They scream. –SPLAT!- Then they went splat into a mysterious room.
Milo: Ow.
Chloe: See, Milo! You fool!
Milo: Well, NOW I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen to us.
Chloe: You won't ever learn, will you?
Logan: Hello.
Bill: Great Caesar's Ghost!
Logan: No, it's just me. Charles Logan.
Milo: It's the terrorist! Get him Chloe!
Chloe throws some Reese's Pieces in Logan's face.
Milo: Chloe, that was just pitiful.
Chloe: It's all I had in such short notice…..aw, now I'm out of Reese's Pieces!
Logan: You don't have to worry about me. I've changed my ways.
Bill: If I had a nickel for every time he said that.
Milo & Chloe: Really….
Logan: Well, you see here's what happened.
Milo: Oh man, I hate stories.
Logan: After my wife Martha tried to kill me back in season 6, I was rushed to the emergency room. I was on the brink of death.
Milo: Then what happened after you got picked up by the ambulance?
Logan: Who knows? But anyway, I was so angry. My hatred led me back into the world of Terrorism. I was working for my boss, the mysterious shadowy figure who I don't even know what he looks like. Then I get an offer to leave the country, start a new life, and everything would have been great. Then Agatha Bauer came along, she was a witch who came to this house and cursed the man living here, along with his servants. She then used her magic to take over the house, but her magic bosses or whatever stripped her of her abilities for using her powers to punish people. So Agatha, having nothing else, resorted to Terrorism and let my boss use her house for operations. He was so pleased with her that he eventually made her his 'number 1' official and cast me and my loyal henchmen off to the side like chopped liver!
Milo: Uh, where are those loyal henchmen by the way?
Logan: Eh, I don't know. They're probably dead by now.
Chloe: That's nice.
Bill: Well at least I finally know what's up with Agatha. I thought she was just another one of Jack's insane family members!
Logan: Well…..
The dresser from Kim's room shows up.
Dresser: Oh, that's what happened! I was trying to tell that rude girl, but I just couldn't remember.
Chloe: You mean Kim?
Dresser: Yes, she's about to go tell the Prince she loves him so she can break the spell and set us free.
Logan: She actually loves him?
Dresser: Well of course not.
Logan: Uh, if she just says that under false pretenses just for the heck of it and doesn't actually mean it. The curse will triple three fold. Chloe will probably transform into a talking toilet brush!
Chloe: …which sadly would be the highlight of this season for me.
Logan: What are you doing in here anyway?
Dresser: Agatha found out that I was helping the girl so she threw me away.
Milo: 'Threw you away'?!….You mean…?
Chloe: We're in a trash can.
Logan: Worse.
They look around and realize they are in a giant trash compactor.
Bill: Save us, Underdog!
Underdog: There's nothing to fear! Underdog is here!
Tony: Yay.
Underdog: Oh no! I just touched some trash, I'm going to get germs. I better go wash up. Bye Now!
He flies off.
Chloe: -groan-
Logan: We'll we don't have much time left before the compactor starts to go off and we'll be crushed.
Tony gets on an intercom.
Tony (loudspeaker): Hey guys! Found you!
The compactor starts to make a noise and slowly crushing all the trash. –GRUMBLE-
Chloe: Oh, no…..this isn't good.
Tony (on intercom): Did anybody catch Big Brother last night? My Tivo crapped out on me!
Milo: Tony! Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!
Tony: Oh no! Baxter, where's the 4th floor detention level.
Baxter: …..
Tony: …..
Baxter: ….the 4th floor….
Tony: Oh, good. See, you're good for something!
Baxter: GRR!
-CRUSHING-
Chloe: Oh…..oh….hurry Tony! Dammit!
Tony: AAAH! Which one is it!?
Baxter: I couldn't tell you.
Tony: Uh….this one!
Baxter: I'd think it over before pushing random buttons, you could put them in more peril than they're already in!
Tony: There's no time……Like my friend Jack Bauer always used to tell me……'Tony, you're the coolest man on Earth. Anything you do…..it's the right thing.'
Chloe: Jack never said that!
Tony: Shut your face, Chloe! You're ruining my moment!
Chloe: You can have your moment later, jerk! We're about to die here!
-CRUSHING-
Tony: Oh right. Hmm……this is tough indeed.
Tony presses a button.
A disco ball lowers into the trash room.
Chloe: Dammit, Tony!
Tony: It's so pretty!
Baxter shuffles around some papers.
Baxter: Found it! This is the button layout. Now, hurry and stop the trash compactors!
Tony: Okay.
Tony hits another button.
Gummi Bears start flooding into the trash room.
Chloe: ACK!
Bill: Finally! Gummi Bears are my favorite!
Baxter: Tony, you're reading the layout upside down! Here…….it's 'that' button.
Tony presses a button again. The trash compactors stop just in time.
Chloe: Whew!
Milo: Ugh……
Logan: …..that was close.
Tony: We did it Baxter!
Baxter: Yay.
Tony jumps and accidentally hits the button. The trash compactors start up again.
Tony: Uh oh.
-MOVING-
Chloe: EEK!
Milo: Tony, what the hell are you doing?!
Tony: Sorry! Sorry!
Tony stops the compactor.
5:35:12, Bill, Milo, Logan, and Chloe crawl out of the trash compactor / Jack is stumbling down the street / Karen is hiding in a bush at IHOP, the maids are pissed / Kim is getting herself ready, and is freshening up in front of a mirror.
Kim: Ok. Here goes.
Kim is wearing a gaudy yellow dress. She leaves her bedroom and makes her way downstairs to the ballroom.
Beast: Hello, Kim. You look good enough to eat!
Kim: Wow, now I feel even more nervous. Let's just get this over with.
Beast: First, we will dance. Then eat. Then you will tell me you love me, and then we'll live happily ever after. The end!
Kim: Ok…..-sigh-
The beast and Kim walk onto the middle of the dance floor, sappy music starts to play.
(Singing)
Old Teapot Woman: Tale as old as time………True as it can be……
Toaster Oven: Barely even friends, then somebody bends…unexpectedly.
Toilet: Just a little change……Small to say the least!
Teapot and Toaster Oven: Both a little scared….sand in underwear…..Bauer And The Beast!
Chloe: (God, even I'm finding this to be in REALLY bad taste.)
Tony (As a giant Candlestick): Ever just the saaaaame! Ever a surprriiiiise!
Tony and Baxter (as a wind up clock): Ever as before…..something something something….as the sun will riiiise!
Chloe (As a giant Toilet Brush): A plot as old as time….this whole scene's just plain wrong….because of my contract……has to remain intact….I have to sing this sooong...that's really dumb and stupid….
Tony: Certain as the sun…….rising in the east……
Baxter: Tale as old as time……
Chloe: I really need a new job…..
All: Baaauer aaand the Beeeeeaaaast!
Chloe: Thank God that's over! I can take off this stupid getup!
Chloe rips off her 'Toilet Brush' costume.
Beast: Wow…..
Kim: I know…..that had to have been the worst song I have ever heard.
Beast: I agree.
Kim: You know…..you really aren't that bad of a person…..beast….or whatever.
Beast: What are you saying, Kim?
Kim: I'm saying…..I'm saying………..
Beast: …..yes?
Kim: ……I…..
A motorcycle crashes through the main door. Jack takes off his helmet.
Jack: Hey, everybody. It's me…..Jack.
Kim: Dad!
Jack: Hello, daughter. How are you doing today?
Kim: It's been the worst.
Jack: I see you're having a party…..without my permission.
Kim: Sorry, dad.
Chloe: Did I miss something here?
Logan: Hello, Jack.
Jack: Terrorist! AAAIIIEEE!
Logan: Jack, we had to save your daughter who was held captive by this beast.
Beast: I'm under a spell you know!
Jack: Beast!
Jack hops off his motorcycle.
Jack: I have some unfinished business to take care of.
Jack pulls out a dagger.
Kim: Dad! What are you doing?!
Jack: Kim, I must kill this Beast by 7:00 or Audrey will remain in a coma forever!
Tony: Oh right, I forgot about Audrey. Stupid me…heh heh.
Beast: But, I danced with your daughter, I wasn't going to eat her in which I originally planned.
Jack: Thank you for sparing my daughter's life, I love you!
Logan: ACK!
Everyone drops to the floor.
Jack: Not like that, perverts!
Nothing's happening.
Logan: I guess…..nothing did happen, whew.
Jack: Now, Kim, what did you learn today?
Kim: Don't take candy from strangers.
Jack: Unless….
Kim: …..if it's some really good candy.
Jack: That's my girl.
Chloe: Okay, I've officially gotten stupider hanging around you people. I'm going home.
Jack: Wait!
Jack looks around.
Jack: Where's the beast?!
Kim: He must have ran off.
Jack: I have to find him, if I don't kill him, Audrey will be in a coma for the rest of forever.
Bill: …….Who want's McDonalds?
Tony: I do!
Baxter: Sounds good.
Chloe: I usually hate their food, but I'll go for anything at this point. I'm starving!
Milo: Yay! Food!
They start to walk off. Jack runs through the hallways trying to find where the beast ran off to.
Agatha is overseeing the spectacle from the level above.
Agatha: Fools……mwa ha ha ha ha ha!
5:41:04 in some dank dark place.
Nadia comes to, awaking from the chloroform attack.
Nadia: -cough- -hack-….ugh…..where the hell am I?
Nadia looks around a bit, she see's a couple of painful torture devices.
Nadia: What the?
Nadia doesn't get too far before she realizes that her leg is chained to the floor.
Nadia: Uh….this isn't good.
Voice: Hello, Nadia.
Nadia: Who's that?!
Voice: My name is Jigsaw! I'm here to torture you.
Nadia: Well, that sucks.
Jigsaw: Your leg is chained up, you're more than welcome to let yourself free.
Nadia: Oh goody!
Jigsaw: The saw is right next to you.
Nadia: ……..what?
Jigsaw: Have fun! Tee hee!
Nadia: Ugh……
4:43:12, Nadia picks up the saw / Jack is walking through down a corridor, searching rooms for the beast / Morris and Michelle are arm wrestling / Karen is hiding in the kitchen at IHOP.
Karen: Whoa! This is incredible!
Cook: Uh…….yea?
Karen: We actually sell pancakes! Who knew?
The manager storms in.
Manager: YOU! What the hell are you doing here?!
Karen: Uh…..uh…….
Manager: Those maids have been waiting at that table for about 30 minutes! Now we have to pay for their meal! Get out there and take their order!
Karen: But! But!
Manager: NO BUTS! GO! NOW!
Karen: -grumble-
Karen saunters out of the kitchen area and back over to the table.
Karen: Hi, can I take your order?
Maid: Hey! You're that imposter we were chasing after!
Karen: OH! Oops! I forgot my disguise! I'm so embarrassed!...CUT!!!
Karen looks at the director, who holds up a sign reading 'That is part of the script, doofus!'
Karen: WHAT!? Oh crap…
Maids: GET HER!
The maids grab Karen and drag her out of IHOP.
Karen: Nooooooo! At least let me have a pancake!
5:46:23, Sherry, Morris, and Michelle are up in the 2nd floor glass office.
Sherry: Well, he's almost done with his inspection.
Michelle: We're screwed for sure.
Morris: Yuppers.
Sherry: Well, you never know. Maybe we'll pass. We have to pass!
Mr. Clean, the Health Inspector, knocks on the door.
Morris: I'll get it!
Morris jumps up and hops to the doorway.
Morris: Yes, dahling?
Mr. Clean: You failed…..miserably.
Sherry: Oh come on, it wasn't that bad!
Mr. Clean: It was, and I won't even get into any details because they are so horrific. I'm shutting this place down!
Michelle: Mr. Clean, please! We need to keep this place open so we can stop the terrorists.
Mr. Clean: I'll leave that to a more 'sanitary' Counter Terrorist Unit.
Michelle: Well, I tried.
Mr. Clean: I need to go get some paperwork ready. Director Palmer, I'll need to see you in a little bit.
He walks out of the office. Sherry whams her head on the desk.
Michelle: We can't let this happen!
Sherry: Oh, I have a solution.
Morris: Well, dahling, let's hear it!
Sherry: Let's kill him!
Michelle: WHAT?!
Morris: YES!
Michelle: No!
Sherry: Yes!
Michelle: Sherry!
Sherry: We'll kill him, and nobody will be the wiser.
Michelle: No!
Morris: Okay!
Michelle: Morris! Sherry! Stop!
Sherry and Morris stop at the door.
Michelle: We can't kill the man. He's just doing his job; I know he's getting in the way of a federal investigation, but we don't have to kill the man!
Morris: Michelle! Snap out of it!
He slaps her! –SMACK!-
Michelle: OW! Morris! What the hell did you do that for?!
Morris: I got caught up in the moment.
Sherry: Michelle, we must do this. If that man compromises our investigation, millions of innocent people will die! I don't know how yet because nothing major has come to our attention, but it will happen.
Mr. Clean pops back in.
Mr. Clean: Oh, and do hurry, Director Palmer, we also must discuss Mrs. Dessler's….uh….very hussy attire that is….'Not Safe For Work'……
He leaves.
Michelle: …..I'll get the poison.
Morris: I got guns!
Sherry: I have explosives in my desk.
Back at Agatha Manor.
Jack: Come out, Beast! We have to end this!
Jack slowly walks through the halls of the mansion; he catches someone sprinting across the hall. Jack makes haste to the end of the corridor, sprinting up several flights of stairs.
Jack: Get back here!
The screen splits at 5:53:11, Jack is climbing stairs / Kim is relaxing in the ballroom with Bill, Chloe, Milo, Logan, Tony and Baxter / Karen is held captive again in the maid van / Nadia has managed to get free without chopping off her leg, she's stuck in another contraption though / Tom and Noah are sitting in the White House Spa / Sherry, Morris, and Michelle exit the glass office and make their way to Morris' desk to see what they need to do to 'deal' with Mr. Clean / The beast makes it to the rooftop.
The beast looks around outside, the rain is pouring down. He runs to the ledge. Jack makes it to the rooftop.
Jack: Beast!
Beast: Don't try to stop me! I'm going to jump!
Jack: What?! You can't jump, Beast! I have to kill you!
Beast: It's no use, I'm never going to have the spell broken.
Jack: Hmm….(I thought saying 'I love you' back there would've done it.)
Beast: Hmm….it sure is a far way up….maybe I won't jump after all.
Jack: Good….good….now make you're way back here and let me kill you so Audrey can wake up and our hero can have a happy ending for once in the series!
The Beast starts making his way back to Jack, a bolt of lightning flashes past him, striking the Beast, he falls off the Mansion. –ZAP!-
Beast: URK!
Jack: What the!?
Jack spins around….losing his balance, he falls on his butt. Getting back up he notices….
Jack: Grandmother!...
Agatha: Hello, cookie! I've come to kill you now!
Jack: But….but……
Agatha: You couldn't leave it alone, could you, Jack?
Jack: No, I'm a meddler, what can I say?
Agatha: But I do thank you though…….you gave me my powers back!
Jack: Uh…..powers?
Agatha: Yes…….Jack, I'm a witch!
Jack: Are you a good witch?...Or a bad witch?...
Agatha: Jack, even I knew that was a stupid question.
Jack: You won't get away with this!
Agatha: You can't stop me, Jackie. Now, I'm afraid I'm going to have to dispose of you now.
Jack: Well………take this!
Jack pulls out a wand.
Jack: EXPECTO PETRONUM!
A bright light emits from Jack's wand.
Agatha: Block!
Jack's spell fizzles….
Jack: WHAT!? You can't block that!
Agatha points hers at Jack.
Agatha: DOOFUS EXPELLUS!
A bolt shoots from Agatha's wand and sends Jack flying off the side of the roof. –KA ZAP!-
Jack: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
Agatha: Hmph!...
She zaps away.
5:59:57
5:59:58
5:59:59
6:00:00
NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW 24…
-SWOOSHERIFIC-
Hansel Almeida and Gretel Dessler approach a gingerbread house.
Tony: Oooh! How fun! A house completely made out of gingerbread!
Michelle: I can't wait to eat it!
Tony takes a bite out of the Mailbox.
Tony (spits): Oh my god! It tastes awful!
Michelle: The house is made of gingerbread, I don't think anything else is, Tony.
Tony: Oh.
Nina Myers, the evil witch, appears.
Nina: Helloo, kiddies! You look good enough to eat!
Michelle: Crap! You again!?
Nina: What?
Tony: Seriously, don't you have anything better to do?
Nina: Just get in here! –SWIPE-
Tony: ACK!
Inside, Tony and Michelle are in a giant cooking pot. Nina chops up some carrots.
Tony: It's getting a little hot in here….
Michelle: Tony! Nina Myers is going to have us for dinner!
Tony: Aw, how sweet! I hope she knows how to cook meatloaf!
Michelle: Dammit, Tony, we're the main course!
Tony: …..
Michelle: Dinner!
Tony: …..
Michelle: Nina cook Tony and Michelle, Tony and Michelle turn into food, Jack Bauer will probably eat us…..and you know what happens after that!
Tony: Oh no……..Are you telling me we're not invited to the dinner!?
Michelle: God I hate you.
-SWOOSH-
Chloe is standing on the window of a burning building.
Chloe: Eeep!
Jack: CHLOE!
Chloe: Oh, good. Rescue….
Jack: This is Jack Bauer!
Chloe: Well, I'm done for.
Jack: Chloe! You have to jump!
Chloe: I'll burn to a crisp! Thanks anyway!
Jack: Hurry Chloe, the building isn't going to last much longer!
Chloe: -sigh-….okay, here goes.
Chloe jumps off the building………..-SPLAT!-
Jack: Eww! Hmm…..
Jack thinks for a minute.
Jack: OH RIGHT! The giant cushion to catch the falling people! Duh, I knew I forgot something! My bad!
Chloe: -groan-
-SWOOSH-
Robbers run out of a bank, they just finished holding up the place. Alarms are going off.
Nadia: Who will stop them?! Where's Superman when we need him!?
The townspeople see something flying through the sky.
Nadia: -gasp- It's a bird!
Milo: It's a plane!
Nadia: Its……its…….
A pile of bird crap splats in Nadia's face. –SPLAT!-
Nadia: …….it was a bird.
AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF 24…..NEXT WEEK! Beep….beep…..beep……beep…….beep…..