Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that jazz, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Pokemon were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 12
6:00pm – 7:00pm 'The Bauer Witch Project'
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!
In the writer's room, Fred, Paul, and Sam are throwing a party.
Sam blows a party whistle thing.
Paul: YAY!
Fred: Congratulations, gentlemen! We made it halfway through the season. How we made it this far is nothing short of a miracle.
Sam: So, in honor of this 'milestone', what should we do with '24' this week? It's gotta be something special.
Fred: Well, I was thinking….
Paul: It's been done.
Fred: ……excuse me?!
Sam: OH! Did you use my idea?
Fred: Your idea?
Paul: I sure did!
Sam: Oh boy!
Fred: What the hell are you two talking about?!
Paul: Okay, okay. Get this……..24……THE MOVIE!
Fred: Uh…..
Sam: Yippie! (Throws confetti)
Fred: I don't know. How would a '24 Movie' work exactly?
Paul: Well, we already filmed it while you were on vacation.
Fred: WHAT?! Vacation? I was only gone yesterday. Don't tell me you filmed this….movie in a day!
Paul: Yep. I'm going to show you the trailer!
Paul runs out of the room and returns, wheeling a giant television set in front of Fred.
Fred: I feel sick.
Sam: You're going to love this!
Fred: I think I'm going to hurl.
Paul presses some buttons on the remote.
-PLAYING-
The following movie is rated DC….for Dangerously Cheesy!
COMING SOON……
The Harry Potter theme plays.
Jack: Right now, terrorists are plotting to assassinate a Presidential candidate. My teenage daughter is missing; and people that I work with maybe involved with both.
Nina: HEY! Why is everybody looking at me!? I didn't do anything!
Jack: My sorta girlfriend's nutjob of a sister is aiding terrorists in setting off a nuclear bomb. A deadly virus is about to be released. Nuclear power plants are about to be sent into a state of a meltdown. Nerve gas just killed that guy from 'The Lord Of The Rings'. And nasty suitcase nukes threaten the country. And somehow….I know it's all Nina's fault!
Nina: WHAT!?
Fred: (This is ridiculous; the plot of the movie is just a rehashed culmination of the plots from the last 6 seasons!)
Paul (Shh! Just watch!)
Jack: I'm federal agent Jack Bauer, and this is the longest movie of my life.
Jon Arbuckle: GARFIELD!!!! You ate all the lasagna again, you fat ass!
Cue dramatic music.
CTU explodes. –KA BOOM!-
Jack: I don't care what it takes! I have to break in there and save my daughter!
Michelle: Jack, you'll be killed!
Jack: …..I know, Nadia. I know.
Michelle: Uh, I'm Michelle.
IN A WORLD FILLED WITH TERRORISM.
Milo: Who ate the last sprinkled donut!?
Morris: Sorry, dahling.
Milo: …..this isn't over.
Morris and Milo draw swords.
TERRORISM……FILLS THE WORLD.
Jack: Hurry, Chloe! I need an answer!
Chloe: Jack…..I don't know! Uh….
Jack: Dammit Chloe! Hurry!
Chloe: Okay…..go with the first one!
Jack: Got it.
Alex Trebek: Mr. Bauer, I need you to pick a category already!
Jack: OH! I'll take 'Dr. Seuss Books' for $400, Alex.
Alex: That's not even a category!
Jack: Can it be one?
AND ONLY ONE MAN CAN STOP IT!
Jack (mouth full of Twinkie): ...What!? (pieces fly out).
Chloe: We're so screwed.
Jack: Chloe, do something with this package; it's getting in my way.
He throws Chloe a bomb.
Chloe: JACK!
CTU explodes again –KA BOOM!-
THIS SUMMER….
Morris: Dahling, what are you going to do? If you don't connect the correct wire in 5 seconds….
Tony: Crap…..
Tony just pulls out all the wires.
Morris: Uh……
Tony: …….Hmm…..I feel I'm going to regret that.
What's left of CTU explodes. –KA BOOM!-
ONE GROUP OF HEROES….
Hiro (spreading his arms): YATTA!
Time suddenly stops.
Bill: What the hell?!
Karen: Ack! I can't move! Dammit, every time I'm about to eat a funnel cake, some jerk has to stop time……I want my funnel cake!!
NOT THOSE HEROES……..
Chloe: We've got to be able to defend ourselves. And if Professor Umbridge refuses to teach us how, then we'll need someone who will!
Harry Potter: I'll do it!
Jack (pushing him out of the way): Get over yourself. I'll do it!
Chloe: Oh crap……
Jack pulls out his wand and turns Chloe into a toilet brush. –ZAP!-
Chloe: God I hate you.
-JACK BAUER-
Jack: Whoa!...I know kung foo!
Jack 'jacks' into the 'Matrix'.
Jack: BRING IT!
He suddenly gets eaten by Pac Man. –CHOMP! CHOMP!-
Jack: AAAH!
-CHLOE O'BRIAN-
Chloe Jane Watson: Morris! Don't put on the costume, it will change you. Revenge is a poison and all that garbage!
Morris Parker: I don't care, I must get my revenge.
Morris puts on The Black Spider Man Suit.
Morris: Aw yes….I feel the power!
Morris starts dancing uncontrollably.
Morris: ACK! Dahling, what the hell is this?!
Chloe: Uh….
Morris does a couple of thrusts then and hops on a bar and starts dancing some more.
Morris: AAAHHH!! I can't stop the dancing.
Chloe: …..
A woman walks up.
Chloe: ….I'm not with him………
-BILL BUCHANAN-
Everyone is fighting on the Black Pearl and Flying Dutchman in the pouring rain.
Bill: Will you marry me?
Karen: I don't think now is the best time!...wait…..we're already married!
Bill: Oh yea…..
-KAREN HAYES-
Karen: Finally, alone with my funnel cake.
Hiro runs into Karen's room.
Hiro: YATTA! (Freezes time)
Karen: DAMMIT!
-MORRIS O'BRIAN-
Morris: Hello, dahling!
Milo: I really wish you'd stop calling me that!
-MILO PRESSMAN-
Milo: …I'm serious.
Morris: Okay, dahling.
Milo: GRR!
-AND THE REST OF THE 24 CAST-
Nadia: Oh, that's lame. I see where we stand.
-AND AN ALL STAR HOLLYWOOD CAST!-
Chloe: What!?
Tom Cruise: Hello, friends!
Chloe: Oh hell…..
-BRAD PITT-
Brad Pitt: eep….
-MARK WHALBURG-
Mark Whalburg: Juicy!
-SISSY SPACEK-
Sissy Spacek: The world is under my control!
-NAOMI WATTS-
-ANGELINA JOLIE-
-ROBERT DOWNEY JR.-
-VING RHAMES-
-CARROT TOP-
-BRUCE WILLIS-
-FRAN DRESSER-
-JIMMY FALLON-
-GEORGE CLOONEY-
-KATIE HOLMES-
-And…..ANDY DICK-
Jack pins a terrorist to the ground.
Terrorist: You got something else to say….?
Jack: Yea…….The following takes place between my foot…..and your ass!
-KA BOOM!-
24! THE MOVIE!
Rated DC……..again for 'Dangerously Cheesy'.
Coming Soon…..Maybe……Who knows……..
-FIN-
Paul: I smell an Emmy!
Sam: Sooooo, you like?
Fred: …………AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Fred runs out of the room screaming.
Paul: You see how excited he is! I bet he can't wait to tell everybody!
Sam: This movie is going to rule! Man, we are so in the wrong business.
Beep….beep…..beep…..beep…..bepbebpepbepbepbepbpebpebp……24!!!!
Tom: Previously on '24'…..
-SWOOSH-
Jack's car flies off a bridge. –CRASH-
Noah: Mr. President of Australia, you'll be glad to know that Jack Bauer…..is dead.
Harry: I see…..(AUSTRALIAN PRESIDENT HARRY LOVE)
Tom: That was close.
Noah: I know, he actually fell for it.
Harry: Uh, I can still hear you!
Tom: EEK! (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)
-SWOOSH-
Karen runs down a street.
Karen: Have to hide in this IHOP.
Maid: Hey! We found you.
Karen: Help! Being kidnapped!
Manager: Finally….
Karen: HEY! (KAREN HAYES)
-SWOOSH-
Sherry: I'm the new director of CTU.
Michelle & Morris (deadpan): Yay….. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
Mr. Clean: I'm here to give you an inspection that you will surely fail.
Sherry: We're going to have to kill him.
Morris: Finally, some action for Morris.
Someone kidnaps Nadia; Later, in a dark torture room.
Jigsaw: You are going to be tortured.
Nadia: Well, I've been through worse. (NADIA YASSIR)
-SWOOSH-
Wile E. Coyote: Hmm…….
He stumbles upon The Road Runner.
Road Runner: Beep! Beep!
Wile E. pulls out a shotgun and shoots Road Runner point blank in the face. –BOOM!-
Wile E. Coyote: I DID IT! I finally caught that stupid Road Runner! (WILE E. COYOTE….WHO IS NOT IN THE STORY)
Later…..
Wile E. Coyote: Hmm….you know, Road Runner meat isn't really that good. It's kinda stringy….I guess from all that running. Man, I can't believe I wasted 60 years of my life chasing after this thing. Feh!
He throws Road Runner's carcass in the trash can.
-SWOOSH-
Kim: Where am I?!
Talking Dresser: You're in a house, we've been cursed! You must break the spell by telling the 'Prince' that you love him.
Kim: I'll do just that! (KIM BAUER)
Jack: I LOVE YOU!
Logan: You moron! Kim was supposed to say that to him! Not you!
Chloe transforms into a Toilet Brush.
Chloe: I don't recall that happening last time.
-SWOOSH-
Jack: Audrey is in a coma. The only way I can save her is to break a spell she is under by killing the hideous beast!
Beast: Why are you telling me this?!
Jack: There's no one else to talk to.
Agatha: ZAPPITY!
Agatha sends Beast flying off the mansion.
Jack: EEP!
Agatha: DOUBLE ZAPPITY!
Jack goes flying off the mansion as well.
Jack: AAAAAAHHHH! Could this be the end of Jack Bauer's adventures? Find out next week…..er….I mean 'RIGHT NOW'…..aaahhh still falling!
Wile E. Coyote: The following takes place between 6:00pm and 7:00pm…..oh….I don't feel so good…..I think that 'Road Runner' was bad……ooohhhhhhh……..
It is raining down hard at Agatha Bauer's mansion. Jack opens his eyes to realize he's not dead.
Jack: Hey! I survived certain death two episodes in a row, I'm awesome.
A brick comes flying out of no where and pelts Jack in the back of the head. –WHAP!-
Jack goes down……he's dead…….thus was the end of his story.
THE END
The 24 Parody Project
Jack Bauer
Chloe O'Brian
Bill Buchanan
Nadia Yassir
And the rest…..
Writers
Fred
Paul
Sam
And Kirstie Alley
Executive Producer
Bill from upstairs
Director
M. Night Shyamalan.
Stunts
Johnny Nobody
Stuart Humdinger
Adam Adamson
Billy Billyson
Lucy Van Pelt
Reba McEntire
Dr. Frankenfurter
Woody Allen
Cameramen
That Girl
Fred: Dammit, Paul!
Paul: Okay okay, Jack can live…..for now…..
Jack wakes up, he smells……crap.
Jack: Oh god….what the?!
He perks his head up, soon finding out he landed in a Dirty Diaper Truck.
Jack: ACK! (He holds his nose) Oh it smells so bad...
The back of the truck opens…..by Mike Doyle!
Jack: Doyle!
Doyle: Hey, Jack. Got here just in time!
Jack: Where the hell have you been!?
Doyle (helping him out): Well, when Tony and I were on our way to D.C. to stop the assassination, we stopped at a gas station where Kim was being held captive. Well, we got captured too, I got shot, went to the hospital. Tony, Kim, and the cougar left and my sister brought me back to her place. Well, you see my sister is psychic…
Jack: How convenient…
Doyle: And she told me that you were in danger, so I hijacked the closest Diaper truck I could find and came to the rescue!
Jack: Not that I'm not grateful that you saved my life….but why a smelly Diaper truck?
Doyle: I'm better at driving those than most cars.
Jack: Uh..huh…..I see.
Doyle: So, now what?
Jack: We have to get back to CTU!
Doyle: Hop in…..do you know where Tony, Kim, and the others are?
Jack: Beats me, probably at IHOP or something.
Doyle: Ok, let's roll.
Doyle and Jack hop into the front of the car and drive off, inside….
Baxter looks out the window and noticed Jack getting into a truck.
Baxter: Hey! Jack's leaving.
Chloe: WHAT!? That moron left us here?
Bill: Seems like it.
Chloe: Great! What are we going to do now!?
Baxter: The helicopter is still on the roof….
Chloe: Oh good!
Baxter: Let's run for it.
Baxter, Tony, Chloe, Kim, Charles Logan, Bill, and Milo start to head off before the door shuts tight, locking them in the ballroom. –SLAM! CLICK!-
Milo: Hmm….
Chloe: We're trapped in!
Voice: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Logan: Oh…..crap.
Chloe: Who is that!?
Logan: It's…..it's……
Agatha Bauer materializes in front of the group.
Tony: DON KNOTTS!
Scooby Doo jumps in Bill's arms.
Bill: Ugh! (Drops him)
Chloe: No wait, it's a mask.
Chloe pulls off the mask, revealing….Agatha Bauer…..but you already knew that so it's no surprise.
Tony: It's DON KNOTTS!
Chloe: Tony, you idiot. It's Agatha Bauer!
Tony: ……who?
Agatha: Jack Bauer is dead.
Everyone: Again!?
Agatha: I used my witchy powers to dispose of him, now I will do the same for you!
Kim: WAIT A MINUTE! I thought she lost her powers?!
Logan: I….guess she got them back…..
Kim: Good lord! You're just as misinformed as that stupid talking dresser!
Agatha shoots a beam from her wand, Milo ducks as it hits the door behind them. –BOOM!-
Baxter: This way!
The group runs through the now destroyed door, down the hallway.
Chloe: -gasp- Where do we go?
Baxter: This is the front door. We can't get to the roof now. We'll be killed!
Tony: Then where do we go?
Baxter: Through this dark forest.
Milo: Oh! I hate forests…
Baxter: We don't have a choice; we have to just run for it.
Agatha flies on a broom over them.
Bill: We better split up.
The gang runs away from the mansion, entering a nearby forest.
6:08:12, at CTU.
Sherry walks over to Morris' desk where Michelle and Morris are watching some video on YouTube.
Michelle: ……..What is it I'm supposed to be….UGH! (Stops and clamps her hand over her mouth in shock)
Morris: Ha ha ha!
Michelle: Morris! That's gross! Turn it off.
Morris: Dahling, it's not that bad.
Michelle: It's disgusting!
Morris: Oh please.
Sherry: Okay, I managed to get the mile long list of things Mr. Clean counted us off for during the inspection.
She opens the list which rolls to the ground. Michelle grabs a wad of the list and starts naming things off.
Michelle: Dust buildup on the computers, dirty restroom, messy offices, and mold on Tony Almeida's desk!? Gross…
Sherry: Yeah, this is serious. Are we ready to go through with 'Operation: Kill The Health Inspector So We Can Get On With Our Lives'?
Michelle: Ready.
Morris: Ready.
Sherry: Okay, here's the plan.
Sherry rolls out a map layout of CTU.
Sherry: Mr. Clean is still in the conference room. I just offered him one of Morris' 'Special Blueberry Muffins' so he'll be running to the restroom in no time flat. I will run back into the conference room and arm his chair with explosives. Michelle, you try to stall him if he recovers early.
Michelle: Got it.
Morris: What do I do?
Sherry: Play with these rubber bands.
Sherry throws some rubber bands on Morris' desk.
Morris: Yay!
Sherry and Michelle head off, peeking around the corner to a hallway leading to the conference room. Mr. Clean bursts out of the room and bolts down to the restroom.
Sherry: It worked!
Michelle: Thanks to Morris' awful cooking.
Sherry: Let's move. I'll be in the conference room. You linger outside of the men's restroom ready to stall him.
Michelle: Okay.
Sherry walks down the corridor and enters the conference room. She sets a duffel bag on the table, pulling out explosives. She pulls out the chair and attaches the bomb to the bottom of the seat Mr. Clean was sitting in.
Sherry: Hmm….
She pressed a couple of buttons, arming the timer.
Sherry: Excellent!
Sherry stands back up, grabbing the duffel bag on her way out.
Michelle: Did you do it?
Sherry: Yes, it's armed. Now, we get as far away from the blast as possible.
Mr. Clean exits the restroom
Mr. Clean: You are out of towels! I'm deducting 10 points.
Sherry: GRR!
Michelle: Well, look on the bright side; at least we actually had some points left over for him to take away!
Sherry: Hmph!
Mr. Clean walks back into the conference room, Sherry follows.
Sherry: Oh, I think I forgot something! Wait right here.
Sherry runs out of the room and back into the main hall, hiding behind a desk with Michelle and Morris.
Michelle: I hope this works.
Sherry: I'm sure it will…..the bomb should be going off in…5…
Mr. Clean pokes his head behind the desk.
Mr. Clean: Helloo!
Morris shrieks!
Sherry: AH! Uh….Hello, Mr. Clean? Can I help you?
Mr. Clean: Was the thing you were forgetting under this desk with Mrs. Dessler and Mr. O'Brian.
Morris: That's MR. O'Brian to you, pal!
Michelle rolls her eyes.
Sherry: Um….yes……why aren't you in the conference room…..waiting….
Mr. Clean: I am afraid that you have a mole working for you at CTU.
Morris: Yeah, but she already blew up the place once, and now she's working with Charles Logan.
Mr. Clean: Well, fortunately I was able to find this bomb under one of the chairs in the conference room before it was too late!
Sherry: Crap!
Morris: A BOMB!? How rude!
Mr. Clean: I'm deducting 10 more points.
Michelle: How many points did we actually have after you finished your initial inspection?
Mr. Clean: 20 points, you're now at 0. I'm definitely shutting this place down.
Sherry: Back to the drawing board….
Morris: I get to come up with the next one.
Sherry: Great…..(storms off)
6:13:11, meanwhile back at The Jigsaw Killer's dungeon of torturous doom and despair and….CANDY!
Karen: I wish!
Nadia: WHA?! Karen! What the hell are you doing here?!
Karen: I was accosted by evil housecleaners when I try to pretend to be one then stowed away at IHOP then got caught again and they threw me in this place…..with no snack machine! How rude!
Nadia: Well, these maids and this psycho killer must be working together. We have to get out of here!
Karen: Got it!
Jigsaw: Not so fast, my pretties!
Karen: EEP!
Jigsaw: I have another game for you to play!
Karen: GAMES!? I LOVE GAMES!
Nadia: Trust me, these aren't the kind of ones that you would like.
Jigsaw: For our new guest, Karen, the door to this dungeon is right over there.
Karen: Oh good.
Jigsaw: The key to unlock the door…..is in that chamber over there.
Karen looks over to a chamber filled with Hershey's Kisses.
Jigsaw: Good Luck! MWA HA HA HA!
Karen: Oh dear……
Nadia: WHAT?! HERSHEY'S KISSES?! That's it!? I had to saw off my leg in order to escape my trap and you're giving her food! That is bull!
Karen: Your leg isn't sawed….
Nadia: That's not the point! Give her something really harsh!
Karen: WELL! I see how it is. Don't worry, Ms. Yassir, I'll get my revenge on you! Just you wait!
Karen pulls out a 'Christmas List' and marks off Nadia's name. –SCRIBBLE-
Karen: There!
Nadia: ugh…
6:17:57, Karen is chowing down on Hershey's kisses / Kim and the others run through the forest / Noah and Tom are eating some Kentucky Fried Chicken / Jack and Doyle are speeding back to CTU, via the crappy diaper truck.
Doyle: ….which just ran out of gas.
Jack: Come on!
Doyle and Jack abandon the car and start walking.
Doyle: We have a ways to go, are you sure you want to walk back?
Jack: We might have to hijack a car.
Doyle: Whatever works.
Jack: There!
Jack sees a bus.
Doyle: A bus?
Jack: It'll be perfect! Come on! Go Team Venture!
Doyle: I'm starting to think I'd be better off just letting you hit the ground back there….-sigh-…..okay, let's roll.
Jack and Doyle cross the street and get on the bus.
Driver: Uh……are you a part of the tour?
Jack: Yes!
Old Woman: HEY! That man isn't part of the group! He's too young!
Doyle: Uh, Jack?
Jack: YOUNG!? Why you…..
Doyle: Jack?
Old Woman: You need to get off this bus!
Doyle: Jack?!
Jack: You've left me no choice!
Jack pulls out a Pokeball.
Jack: Go Pikachu!
Psyduck: PSY! PSY!
Jack: PSYDUCK!? What the hell are you doing here! God, you're just worthless!
Psyduck: PSY! PSY!
Psyduck pops a couple of aspirin in his mouth.
Jack: Psyduck! I order you to go crap on her!
Doyle: JACK!!!!
Jack: Yes, kitten?
Doyle: You're trying to hijack a retirement home bus.
Jack: …….I knew that.
Doyle: Well, that's going to be a little hard, don'tcha think?
Jack: How do?
Doyle: Well, I mean…..come on…….they're old!
Old Woman: OLD!? That's it!
Jack: Good going, Doyle, you made her mad!
She hits Jack over the head with her cane. –BAMPH!-
Jack: OW! My brain….
She swings at Doyle, who drags Jack off the bus.
Doyle: That was close….
Jack: Oohhh, my head….
Doyle: Well, now what?
Jack: Let's hijack THAT BUS!
Doyle: Jack, that's a convent bus.
Jack: ….
Doyle: A bus full of nuns.
Jack: ….
Doyle: They have rulers.
Jack: Okay next plan. I got it!
Jack runs over and pushes a kid off his tricycle.
Jack: Heh. Hey, I remember this bike back from episode 3! It's the extremely cool blue 'Hello Kitty' bike!
Doyle: That's not something to be proud of…
Kid: Yeah! I almost got it stolen once but the robber was too stupid to ride it and nearly killed himself. Fortunately he got kidnapped by some other psycho kid.
Doyle: Did that happen to you?
Jack: Oh….no…..it was……Max Bauer……..you know……..my uncle……….who………..you know…….
Doyle: You are so full of crap.
Jack: Yeah, well……BYE!
Jack hops on the bike and starts to peddle before ramming head on with the Elderly People Tour Bus. –WHAP!-
Doyle: Oooh! That's gonna sting…..
6:21:11, In the forest. The gang is a runnin…..-RUSTLE! RUSTLE! RUSTLE!-
Chloe: ACK!...
Chloe trips over something.
Milo: -gasp- -huff- -puff-…..I got a leg cramp!
Kim: It's really dark out here! I can't see a thing.
Kim rustles through some trees.
Kim: Hello!? Is anybody there?
Tony stops for a second.
Tony: Man, this sucks……hmm….what's that?
Tony takes a couple of steps.
Bear: RAWR!
Tony: A bear! EEEEAAAAAAAHHHH!
Bill and Logan meet up.
Bill: Who was that?!
Logan: I don't know.
Bill: Oh wait….I think that was Tony, he probably just got eaten by a bear.
Logan: Better him than us.
Bill: Agreed, let's keep running.
Logan: Oh look, bicycles!
Logan notices a blue and a pink bicycle lying on the ground in front of them.
Bill: Luck is on our side! Uh….what are you doing?
Logan: I'm….getting on the bike….to escape death….you know how that goes.
Bill: But…..but……you took the blue bike!
Logan: Uh….yea….so…..?
Bill: I want the blue bike!
Logan: You have got to be kidding me! We're being chased by a witch, I don't think it matters what bike you ride!
Bill: But I hate pink!
Logan: OH FINE! You big crybaby! You can have the blue bike.
Logan hands over the bike and gets on the pink one.
Bill: Hey! You're bike has a radio!
Logan: Yes….
Bill: I want a radio.
Logan: Well, tough! You can either have the blue bike, or ride the pink one with the radio. You can't have both.
Bill: Aw….well……hmm……
Bill looks around and sees a rope lying on the ground.
Bill: Hmm….
Logan: What are you plotting?
Bill and Logan try to ride the bicycles (that are tied together by the rope) through the forest.
Logan: This is ridiculous! We're going to crash! Oooof! Ow!...dammit!
Bill: Nonsense! I have me a blue bike….and can listen to the radio.
Logan: I think I was just safer walking…..Bill watch out!
They go flying down an extremely steep hill.
Logan: AHHH! We're going….too fast!!!
Bill: Oh I hate this song, change it!
Logan: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Baxter meets up with Chloe.
Baxter: Hey.
Chloe: Hey.
Baxter: That sounded like Logan screaming.
Chloe: Yea.
Baxter: He probably just got eaten by a bear.
Chloe: No, that was Tony.
Baxter: Oh, right….
Chloe: Man, we are so lost.
Tony runs by screaming.
Tony: BEAR! BEAR! BEEEEAAAAR! I'm too young to die! AAHHH!
Winnie The Pooh walks up to Chloe and Baxter.
Winnie: Excuse me, have you seen my friend Piglet?
Chloe: Nope, sorry.
Baxter: Yeah, nobody here but us.
Winnie: Oh bother…..thanks anyway.
Winnie walks off.
Chloe and Baxter look at each other.
Chloe: I'm not saying anything.
Baxter: Neither am I, let's just keep moving.
6:28:01, Back at CTU. In the conference room.
Mr. Clean: What's going on here!?
Michelle: Well, Mr. Clean?...Arnold, may I call you Arnold.
Mr. Clean: Sure.
Michelle: I just wanted to say how ashamed we are for letting this place get so out of hand. And we really do appreciate you giving us the heads up and back on the right track.
Mr. Clean: Why, thank you Mrs. Dessler, that is my job though.
Michelle: Well, I just wanted to say, as a token of our appreciation we cooked you a special meal.
Mr. Clean: I'm flattered. But why would I eat something from a placed where I just gave a failing score on a health inspection for?
Michelle: uh….uh….oh! It wasn't cooked here.
Mr. Clean: …..where….was it cooked?
Michelle: Morris' house.
Mr. Clean (suspicious): …….he….hasn't gone anywhere.
Michelle: It was before he came to work.
Mr. Clean: …….that's kinda……odd.
Michelle: It's almost ready. Be right back.
Mr. Clean: I thought you said he already made it.
Michelle: Be right back! BYE!
Michelle runs into the CTU kitchen….wherever that came from, anyway Morris is 'cooking dinner'.
Sherry: There's a kitchen here now!? What other pointless rooms do I not know about?
Michelle: Morris! Will you hurry up!? He's getting suspicious…..
Morris: Dahling, cooking is an art! It can not be disrupted, you must be patient!
Michelle: ugh!
Michelle runs out of the 'kitchen' and back into the conference room….
Michelle: Dinner is almost ready!
Mr. Clean: But…..oh forget it.
Morris walks in carrying a tray full of food, he places it in front of the health inspector.
Mr. Clean: Wow! I am impressed! This looks delicious. Hey, I might just pass you after all.
He, Michelle, Sherry, Morris laugh.
Mr. Clean: Ha ha ha….I am kidding by the way. No inspector in their right mind would pass this dump. Food's good though.
Sherry: Yes…..yes…..Enjoy your food!
Mr. Clean: uh…..ok.
Sherry and Michelle slowly back out of the room.
Morris: Now, dahling. Dinner wouldn't be dinner without some 'entertainment'!
Morris hops on the table.
Morris (singing): Be our guest! Be our guest! Put our service to the test! Tie a napkin round your….
Michelle yanks him out of the room.
Morris: BLECK!
Morris recovers, Michelle and Sherry spy on Mr. Clean through a window looking into the conference room.
Morris: What did you do that for?!
Michelle: Nobody wants to hear you sing, Morris!
Morris: Well, I didn't get to be in the Beauty And The Beast musical number in last week's episode, dammit!
Michelle: Morris, shh! We have to see if he croaks.
Morris: Yup. You did put the stuff in, right Michelle?
Michelle: ……stuff?
Morris: You know…..the 'stuff'?
Michelle: Are you referring to the poison that's supposed to be in his food.
Morris: Yeah.
Michelle: Uh, no. You were supposed to do that!
Morris: Oh yea, make Morris do it.
Michelle: YOU WERE COOKING THE DINNER!
Morris: I know, I make a mean pot roast.
Sherry: Morris! Are you telling me you actually cooked him a legitimate home cooked meal!?
Morris: …..maybe….
Sherry: Well, dammit! Okay, back to the drawing board again…..yeesh……
6:31:12, meanwhile in the forest.
Kim, Logan, Bill and Milo meet up.
Kim: Stop, stop, stop……I think we lost the others.
Bill: Well crap a duck….wait……Look, A MCDONALDS!
Milo: I don't know, that place has caused us nothing but problems all day!
Bill: Well, maybe there's something else down there.
The group moves toward civilization. They reach a town…..with a Mcdonald's and an Abandoned Mansion.
Logan: Strange, these are the only two things here….
Kim: CRAP! Another mansion?!! I'd rather eat at Mcdonald's. I don't think I can take another 4 episodes of being stuck in a stupid house again.
Bill: Hooray!
McDonald's explodes. –KABOOM!-
Kim: Well crap.
Bill: That sucks, well I guess to the house then.
Kim: Man……
They runs across the street and up to the front door.
Kim: It's locked!
Milo: I got it.
Milo kicks the door, his foot goes through the door, which has a consistency of wax.
Milo: EEW!
Kim: What the?
Logan: Forget it, just keep going before she finds us!
They make their way into the house, Milo pulls his foot out of the door. Inside, the living room is huge, with statues everywhere.
Milo: WOW! This place is amazing!
Kim: Hmm, something isn't right about this house.
Bill walks up to one of the wax statues, a statue of Ex-President Rolando Callahan.
Bill: Uh….
Kim: That's weird.
Milo: Is that Chuck Norris?
Kim: Why, I think it is!
Bill: I LOVE CHUCK NORRIS!
Logan: You morons! That's Rolando Callahan, the former president!
Kim: Oh……because he really looks like Chuck Norris…
Logan walks up to another wax statue of Ronald Palmer.
Logan: …ooookay.
Velma: Jinkies! Look over here, guys!
Milo pushes Velma out of the way.
Milo: Move it!
-SHOVE-
Velma falls down some stairs.
Velma: EEEAAARRG!
–CRASH! CLANK! BANG! WHAP! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-
Milo: There are wax statues of everybody who has died today. There's Adam Logan, Ronald McDonald, his assistants, Sherry when she was a robot. Hmm, I'm surprised Jack's not here since he's died like, 12 times this season.
Bill: Something is incredibly wrong here…..there's no kitchen in this house.
Kim: Well, maybe we can stay here until morning.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the forest.
Chloe, Baxter, and Tony reach civilization themselves.
Chloe: Whew! That was close, at least we're in a city now. I wonder how the others are doing.
Tony: They probably ended up at Mcdonald's…..or a house of wax…..I don't know.
Chloe sighs dejectedly.
Baxter: There's a mall, we can hide out there for now.
Chloe: Whatever works.
They run toward the shopping mall, the front glass door is wide open.
Chloe: Strange…..it's not even 7:00, and there's nobody in sight…..
They walk through the front doors and into the first main part of the mall.
Chloe: Hmm……this place is pretty nice.
Tony: I want to go to the toy store!
Chloe: Tony! We really don't have time for that!
Baxter: Look!
Straight ahead, someone walks out of a department store.
Baxter: Hmm…..-ahem-….Excuse me! Sir……
The man keeps on walking.
Baxter: Uh…..hello!?
Tony: I'll get his attention.
Tony walks up to the man.
Tony: Hey, pal. You know its rude when you ignore….
The man turns around and tries to bite Tony. –MISSED CHOMP!-
Chloe and Baxter: ACK!
Tony: Oh my god! Yeesh! Man, you don't have to bite me!
The man raises his arms and starts to slowly walk towards Tony.
Chloe: Tony! Get back here!
Baxter: It must be a zombie!
Chloe: Good lord, talking furniture, witches, now zombies?! What's next, talking animals?!
Baxter: Uh….
Chloe: Oh right……it's been done.
Tony hauls back over to Chloe and Baxter.
Tony: What do we do now?!
Baxter: We run for it! This way…..
Tony: Wait, you're not going to lead us to trouble are you!?
Baxter: Dammit, Tony! I've already explained this! Chloe….
Chloe hits him in the back of the head. –SMACK-
Tony: Ow.
Baxter: This way!
Baxter, Tony, and Chloe head down a hallway to the right. They reach a doorway at the end that leads to some emergency stairs. After some climbing, they burst thought to the second floor.
Tony: Wait! Shouldn't we leave? We can't stay here and get eaten by zombies!
Baxter: Look outside, we don't have a choice.
Tony looks out the window and a giant mass of zombies crowds the entrance.
Tony: Ah nuts!
Baxter: In here.
They run into a pizza restaurant.
Chloe: What are we going to do here?
Baxter: Well, I'm sure we can find guns here, and plenty of utensils. Besides, I'm starved.
Chloe: Good point. I can go for food.
Tony: Me too!
Baxter: Okay, Chloe, come help me get stuff ready for a pizza. Tony, block that door.
Tony: Got it!
Tony locks the door, then walks to a table to grab a chair. When he returns, a zombie is scratching at the door.
Zombie: ….brraaaaiins!
Tony: Hey pal, we're closed. Get lost!
Tony props a chair against the door, then heads into the kitchen.
6:39:45, back at Jigsaw's Playhouse!
Karen: We're having so much fun!
Nadia: Speak for yourself! You've gotten nothing but candy. I keep getting screwed!
A granola bar flies and bonks Nadia in the head.
Nadia: Ow!
Jigsaw: There's your treat. MWA HA HA!
Nadia: GRR!
Jigsaw: I'm getting the next game ready. Until then, here's a word from our sponsor.
TRAVELOCITY PRESENTS: THE ROAMING GNOME!
Roaming Gnome: Hello friends.
Nadia: Oh crap….
Karen: Hey hot stuff!
Nadia: I'm in hell.
Gnome: I'm ready to go on a vacation! But I appeared to be chained up. Oh look, a saw.
Nadia: That does it! Karen! We have to get out of here, now!
Karen: Aww, but I wanted to see the Roaming Gnome!
Nadia (shaking her fists): NOBODY GIVES A CRAP ABOUT THE ROAMING GNOME!
Gnome: How rude. Well, I'm getting out of here!
The Roaming Gnome starts sawing it's foot off.
Gnome: YEOWCH!
Karen: Hang in there! Don't lose faith, Nadia! You just got to believe!
Nadia: I'm probably better off escaping by myself!
Jigsaw: I'm back!
Nadia: DAMMIT!
Jigsaw: This next game you have to draw what's on the card, and your team has to guess it!
Nadia: You're telling me our fate is determined over a game of Win, Lose, or Draw!?
Jigsaw: ……yes. Have fun!
Roaming Gnome: Oh dear, I'm bleeding to death.
Karen: Aw man. Now I have to be partners with Nadia in Win, Lose or Draw!
Nadia: -groan-
Back at The House Of Wax.
Milo: This is strange, why would someone make wax statues of everyone who has died this season? It doesn't make any sense!
Kim: Whoever did this is….mad…..mad I tell you!
Ima walks out of a bedroom.
All: -GASP-
Velma: JINKIES!
Milo pushes her down some stairs again. –SHOVE-
Velma: AARGGH!
–CRASH! CLANK! BANG! WHAP! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-
Logan: Ima! What are you doing here?!
Ima: This is a house of wax…..everything in this house is made of wax.
Milo: Well, duh….
Ima: This room is special, it is……my masterpiece!
Milo: Nutjob alert!
Logan: What is going on Ima?! I order you to tell me this instant!
Ima: I don't work for you anymore, old man!
Bill: WHAT?! I'm not old!
Milo: Me thinks she wasn't talking to you, chief.
Bill: Oh good……oh Logan, yeah he's old.
Logan: Hmph!
Ima: I have a new master now…..
Milo: Please don't say Agatha Bauer….
Ima: Agatha Bauer!
Some organ music plays, lighting flashes across the window. –CRASH-
Milo: Crap.
Kim: Well, you don't scare us!
Ima: Well, you should be.
Ima starts to float in the air.
Ima: HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Milo: Ruh roh!
Velma makes it upstairs.
Velma: What's going on!?
Milo: Quiet! We're thinking!
Milo shoves her down the stairs again.
Velma: OOF!
-CRASH! CRANK! BOOM! BIFF! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-
Velma: ….ow….my glasses!
Logan: …..this is impossible!
Ima: That's right, I'm a witch!
Milo: That's ridiculous! I don't believe in witches!
Logan: Ugh…..this is bad, she's sided with Agatha now, we have to stop her….
Ima: Prepare to meet your maker!
Ima fires a lighting bolt at Kim, she dodges out of the way. –BOOM!-
Kim: ACK!
Logan: Or not….bye!
Logan tries to head toward the door, Ima turns it into solid ice.
Logan: Well, that's not very fair.
Milo throws a clove of garlic at her.
Milo: TAKE THIS!
Logan: Milo, that's vampires, you dolt!
Milo: Oh…..
Bill: Split up!
They head in several different directions. Kim rushes up some stairs, Milo and Bill take an East corridor, and Logan dives into an office.
Ima: HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Logan: God, even I'm starting to think this plot is becoming too much…..yeesh!
Velma: Well, That's 24 for ya!
Logan: Move it, you're in my way!
Logan pushes Velma down some stairs. –SHOVE!-
Velma: Not again! AAAARH!
-CRASH! BOOM! BANG! CLUNK! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-
6:50:11, An Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile pulls in front of CTU. Jack and Doyle jump out.
Jack: I don't know why I didn't think of hijacking an Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile before! It would have saved us some major time.
Doyle: Well, nothing we can do about that now!
Jack: Let's go shave Audrey!
Doyle: Right!...wait….Did you just say 'shave'?
Jack: What?
Doyle: You just said 'Let's go shave Audrey'…
Jack: Hmm….I did?
Doyle: Yes.
Jack: Oh…..must be a speech impediment.
Doyle: Oh…..that would make sense……cause….oh nevermind….
Jack: What?
Doyle: I mean…..nah it's nothing….
Jack: What?!
Doyle: Well, it's just……well………it's just that…..I love you, Jack!
Jack: WHAT?!
Fred slaps Paul upside the head.
Paul: -giggle- okay okay, cutting it out.
The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile pulls up.
Doyle: Okay, were here!
Jack: I can't believe I didn't think of hijacking the Oscar Meyer Weiner mobile before.
Doyle: I know.
Jack: Now let's go save Audrey!
Doyle: Right.
Jack and Doyle run into CTU. Inside…..
Michelle: Well, CTU is finished.
Morris: Nonsense, dahling. We just need someone to come in and shave the day!
Michelle: …..did you just say 'shave'?
Morris: ……….yes.
Jack and Doyle run into the main hall.
Michelle: Oh thank god! Were the hell have you two been?!
Jack: It's a long story! Right, cousin?
Doyle: Are you talking to me?
Michelle: Doyle! I'm glad you're safe!
Doyle: Michelle…..I'm glad…..you're safe too.
Jack: Uh…..
Michelle: I've gone many nights……missing you….
Jack: What the….?!
Doyle: I…..wrote a journal…..since I've been gone…….I will read you a passage, my sweet Michelle……the light of my life….
Jack: What the pancakes are you two talking about!?!!?
Doyle: Roses are Red…..Violets are Blue…..Michelle will you marry me?……I hope you'll say….."I do."……
Morris: Correct me if I'm wrong, dahling, but I think you're supposed to say that later….
Jack: I'm so confused! Jack's head hurts…..
Michelle: I will!
Jack: WHAT!?
Doyle: To the alter!
Morris rips off his clothes revealing a priest's robe.
Morris: Doyle…..
Jack: This can't be happening….
Morris: Mike Doyle, do you take Michelle Dessler….to be your awfully wedded bride!
Michelle: It's 'lawfully', you dumbass!
Doyle: I do!
Morris: And Michelle……….dahling, that's a hideous dress…..
Michelle: GET ON WITH IT!
Morris: Right. Michelle Dessler, do you take Mike Doyle to be your lawfully wedded husband, thought sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, to the end of this season that is if we don't get cancelled first.
Michelle: I do!
Morris: Swell. I now pronounce you……Man and Beast!
Michelle: I'll kill you the next chance I get!
Jack faints.
Fred is strangling Paul.
Fred: Dammit! Nobody is getting married! Especially not Michelle and Doyle! Are you insane!? What the hell is wrong with you!? ARRRGH!!!!
Paul: urk!...eek...choke!...
Fred: FIX IT!
Paul: Okay, okay…..grumpy britches….
Michelle (deadpan): Doyle, I'm so glad you're safe.
Doyle: I'm glad I'm safe too!
Jack: Where's Audrey?
Morris: You know, it never occurred to me to go check on her.
The doctor runs in.
Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Bauer, Audrey has broken free!
Jack: Oh goody!
Morris: Broken free?
Michelle: Yeah, doctor, you say that as if she's a monster or something…
Doctor: Well, I'm afraid that….
The doctor suddenly goes up in flames.
Doctor: AAAAAHHHH!!!! –TORCH!-
Morris rummages through his desk for marshmallows.
Morris: Dammit! I can't find any!
The group turns around, looking up to see Audrey standing on the second floor outside the glass office.
Jack: Audrey?!
Morris: Dang, she did that?! She must be a witch!
Jack: Is everybody on this show witches!? Good lord……..
Michelle: Jack, do something! We're no match for her now that she has stupid superpowers.
Jack: …..You're no match for her……but I am.
Michelle: Uh, yeah, that's why I just asked you to do something!
Jack pulls out his wand.
Jack: I forgot I had this, I found it after I fell off the roof!
Michelle: Oh great….
Sherry walks into the main hall.
Sherry: Good news! I managed to use my excellent argument skills and we passed the inspection!
Michelle: That's great, Sherry, but we have bigger issues on our hands here.
Sherry: Jack!?
Jack waves his wand.
Jack: Forgive me Audrey……but I must….do this……
Jack: EXPECTO PETRONUM! –ZAP!-
Audrey: Block!
Jack: Why does everyone keep 'blocking' that! You can't do that, dammit!
Jack quickly flips through his 'Harry Potter' book.
Michelle: You must be joking…..
Jack: Oh! Here's a good one…..'Wingardium Leviosa!'
The infamous Xerox Machine flies off of a desk, hurling through the air.
Mr. Clean walks into the hall.
Mr. Clean: Well, congratulations for passing the….
-SMACK!-
Mr. Clean falls to the floor.
Jack, Doyle, Michelle, Morris, and Sherry are frozen in shock….well, except Morris, who is still digging for marshmallows.
Audrey lets out a quick laugh then snaps her fingers, disappearing in an instant. –VANISH!-
Jack: ……….Dammit Chloe!
The screen splits, shrinking down at 6:58:12. Jack, Michelle, Doyle, and Sherry stand there, not knowing what to do next. Morris pokes Mr. Clean with a stick. / Kim is dodging an array of lightning bolts Ima is shooting at her in a hallway at 'The House Of Wax' / Bill and Milo end up in a bathroom / Nadia and Karen are potato sack racing / Logan is hiding under a sink / A large group of zombies start to beat down the door to the pizza place where Tony, Chloe, and Baxter are hiding / Agatha is looking off in the distance / Tom and Noah are going over some paperwork / Australian President Harry Love looks out a window.
Baxter, Chloe, and Tony are in the back room.
Baxter: ….what's that noise.
Tony: Oh some guy was trying to break in.
Baxter: …guy?
Chloe gets up and checks it out.
Chloe: ACK! We're in trouble, zombies are everywhere!
Baxter: Uh oh……
Tony hears some noise. He notices a vent to the corner of the room. He investigates.
Tony: What the hell?
He watches Karen and Nadia in the torture room…..which is under the pizza restaurant.
Tony: Hey, cool! I want to do what they're doing!
Nadia hears a voice.
Nadia: Tony! Thank god! You have to get us out of here! We're in danger!
Chloe: The zombies have broken in! We're going to die now!
Nadia: Uh, on second thought you're probably in more danger than we are!
Tony: Hold on Nadia, I'll get you out!
Mandy walks into the back room.
Mandy: No you won't.
Tony: -GASP!-
Mandy waves her arm and sends Tony flying into a wall. –SMACK!-
Tony: Ow…….
Mandy: Hello, you.
Tony: Oh man…..not you again……
Mandy: Well, your friends are about to die…..you don't have much time left yourself.
Tony peeks out of the backroom to see Chloe and Baxter tied up, the zombies inching closer to them.
Chloe: Out of the fire and into the frying pan, I can't go 2 episodes without turning into someone's dinner.
Baxter: Hmm…….
Tony: ugh…..
Back at CTU.
Michelle: JACK!? You killed the health inspector!
Jack: Oh man, I'm in so much trouble! I'm going to 'time out' for sure!
Sherry: Great! Now we have this to deal with!
Morris: Question, dahling!
Sherry: What?
Morris: Haven't we been trying to 'off' the bloody inspector for the last hour?!
Michelle: Hmm….
Sherry: Yeah, when we were about to fail!
Morris: Huh!?
Sherry: But now that he passed us, we had no reason to kill him! We're in extreme trouble now!
Morris: But it was an accident, Jack just……screwed up.
Jack: HEY!
Sherry: It doesn't matter!...We have to get rid of the body!
Doyle: But won't they be looking for him.
Sherry: We just need to hurry up before they try to contact him.
Michelle: How long will that be?
Mr. Clean's cell phone rings.
Doyle: …..
Sherry: …..
Jack: ……
Velma: This looks like a mystery!
Morris: I'll take care of this one!
Morris runs over and shoves Velma down some stairs. –SHOVE!-
Velma: AAAAAAHHHH!!
-CRASH! BOOM! BANG! CLINK! CLANK! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-
Morris walks back over to his desk.
Morris: Good going, Michelle.
Michelle: WHAT?! I didn't do anything.
Jack: This looks like a job for……somebody who cares!...Bye!
Jack runs out of the building.
Sherry: Uh….
Michelle: I really hate that man sometimes……
6:59:57
6:59:58
6:59:59
7:00:00
NEXT WEEK, ON AN ALL NEW 24!
-BAD STUFF IS A BREWIN-
General: Mr. President, we have received conformation that Jack Bauer is still alive….
Harry: ….
General: Do you want me to send out my men?
Harry: No……I have something special planned for Bauer.
Velma: JINKIES! This sounds like another mystery!
Harry: Will somebody please kill her!?!?
The General walks over the shoves Velma down a flight of stairs. –SHOVE!-
Velma: I have to stop standing next to stairrrsss….aaahhhhh!!! –CRASH!-
-WILL AGATHA BE STOPPED?-
Agatha: Of course not!
Jack: It ends here…..
Agatha: Yes…..it does….
Morris: It can't! There are still 11 more episodes left!
Michelle slaps him upside the head.
-WILL JACK FIND OUT WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO AUDREY!?-
Jack: Yeah, what did happen to her…?
The flaming corpse of the doctor……flames.
Jack: Oh right….
-WILL TONY EVER GET A SLICE OF PIZZA?!-
Tony: Psst! Nadia….throw me a Hershey's Kiss!
Nadia: No!
Tony: ……Please?
Nadia: Dammit Tony, I'm stuck in another trap and I have to decide which body part I want to lose in order to break free, I have my own problems to deal with!
Tony: ………Please?
Nadia: GRR!
-WILL JACK AND THE OTHERS GET AWAY WITH MURDER?-
Jack: Well sure, because I'm Jack Bauer! I get away with everything!
Michelle: The body's gone!
Jack: Uh oh………
-WILL TOM AND NOAH ACTUALLY HAVE LINES IN NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE?-
Tom: I would hope so!
Noah: It would be nice.
A BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT WEEK…..beep….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..