Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that good junk, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Pop Tarts were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 13
7:00pm – 8:00pm 'I Know What You Did Last Hour'
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!
Sweepy The Janitor: Nobody here…
OH NEVERMIND, MEANWHILE IN 'DISNEYLAND'!
Fred: This was a really good idea….
Paul: Yup!
Fred: Ahhh, time to relax….
Sam: Vacations are fun!
Fred: Yes…….wait!...Who's writing this week's episode of '24'?!
Sam: …..uh….
Paul: …hmm….
Fred: ACK!
Paul: Wait wait wait!...I remember, my niece, Francine!
Fred: You're niece?
Paul: Yes, she's 13!
Fred: You're letting a 13 year old write for '24', is she any good?!
Paul: I would say so, she writes columns all the time in 'Teen Beat Magazine'
Fred: Oh dear god….
Sam: I don't read them anymore…..
-LATER WHILE FILMING-
Jack: Like, oh my god! There's like, a bomb about to go off!
Bill: Like, totally!
Morris: For real, dahling!
Nadia: Hey I just got new shoes!
Terrorists: We're so jealous!
Chloe: I refuse to have any part of this stupid episode! I'm leaving!
Fred: NOOOOO!
Fred jumps out of his lounge chair and runs back into the hotel to pack his bags.
Paul: That man just cannot relax.
Sam: Like, totally……
Beep…beep….beep…..beep…..bepbepbepbepbpebpebpebepbepbe……24!!!!!
Tony: Previously on CTU IDOL.
-SWOOSH-
Jack (singing): And IIIIIIIIIIII Will Alwaaays Loooove Yoooooooooou!
Chloe throws up. –HORF!-
Someone throws a brick which bonks Jack in the head. –WHACK-
Jack: OOF!
Tony: Uh…..Okay Previously On 24………SWOOSH!
Karen: Yay, we've been kidnapped!
Nadia: Why the hell are you excited about that?!
Jigsaw: Hello friends. I've made milk and cookies!
Karen: Oh boy!
Nadia: Ugh.
Jigsaw: Oh no, I forgot the milk. Oh that's right, it's over there. Past those spikes protruding from the floor.
Karen: The milk will be mine! (KAREN HAYES)
Karen takes off.
Nadia: I hate this show sometimes. (NADIA YASSIR)
-SWOOSH-
Sherry: The health inspector is going to fail us!
Jack: Not if I can help it!
The health inspector croaks.
Sherry: Hey, the health inspector didn't fail us! Now we don't have to kill him……
Jack: Whoops!
Sherry: You fool! (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
-SWOOSH-
Kim: We're stuck in a house made of wax, it's really really gross!
Milo: I don't know, I'm having fun!
Milo makes little statues out of wax.
Logan: You moron! We don't have time for that; we have to deal with this stupid 'witch' plot before we get killed!
Ima flies in.
Ima: My ears are ringing!
Bill: Run for your lives!
Bill tries to jump out of the window, which is also made of wax… -SPLOOK-
Bill: Oh crap…..uh, a little help here. (CAST MEMBERS WHO ARE PROBABLY GOING TO DIE)
Kim: WHAT!?
-SPLOOK-
Tony: We're stuck in a house made of……pizza?
Baxter and Chloe look at him.
Tony: Well…..it's really really good!
Baxter: I don't know, I'm not having fun!
Zombies are trying to break down the door.
Chloe: What are we going to do Tony!?
Tony is making little statues out of pizza dough.
Chloe: You moron! We don't have time for that, we have to deal with this stupid 'zombie' plot before we get killed! (CAST MEMBERS WHO WILL PROBABLY EAT PIZZA BEFORE THEY DIE)
Baxter: Excuse me?
Mandy flies in.
Mandy: Hello, I'm a witch now.
Tony: WHAT!? Ima Mole's a witch!?
Mandy: No, I'm a witch now.
Tony: Ima Mole. That's what I said!
Mandy: No, me!
Tony: Oh!
Chloe: Now we have zombies AND witches to deal with! Man I wish I was with Kim and the others, I bet they're safe.
Back at Wax House.
Kim: ACK! She's firing crap at us! We are so not safe!
Bill: Will someone please get me out of this window!
-SWOOSH-
Jack: I'm here!
The health inspector croaks. Audrey turns into a witch and flies off.
Jack: Holy Hello Kitty, Batman!
Sherry: Dammit Jack, now look what you've done!
Jack: Whoops! (JACK BAUER)
Morris: Now Audrey's a witch!? Man, I want to be a witch! I miss out on the musical numbers and now this, I hate this sub plot.
Logan: The following takes place between 7:00pm and 8:00pm.
Jack: Okay here's the plan! We put the health inspector's body through the paper shredder in Sherry's office.
Sherry: That won't work!
Morris: Yea dahling, that's an expensive shredder.
Sherry: Think of something else.
Jack: Okay, we pull a 'Weekend At Bernie's' and make him look like a worker at CTU. We can put him at Tony's desk.
Doyle: Uh…
Michelle: Jack, we can't do that either. They are going to wonder where he is.
Jack: Hmmm…..
Doyle: You can dump him in the lake.
Jack: There's no lake around here.
Doyle: Yea there is, they just installed one about 10 miles from CTU.
Sherry: They installed one.
Jack: Either way, it'll save our butts! Let's go!
Jack runs out of the building.
Morris, Sherry, Michelle, and Doyle look at the body.
Doyle: I guess we…start…..carrying it.
Michelle: Yup.
Doyle: Okay, you girls grab the legs, Morris and I will get the arms.
They pick up the body of the health inspector and waddle out of the building.
Jack pulls the car up to the entrance. Doyle and the others are stuck trying to get the body out of the front door.
Michelle: Ah! I'm slipping.
Morris: EEP!
Doyle: Okay okay. Let's lift him up. Okay……now we'll go on and shove him through.
They proceed to waddle through the doorway and out to the car. Jack pops the trunk open. Doyle stuff the body in there as the others get in the car.
Michelle: Ugh, what an ordeal.
Sherry: Wait! One of us has to stay here, who's going to watch over the place while we're gone?
Jack: Sherry, it's a little after 7:00. I think the terrorists are eating dinner now. I think we'll be okay.
Doyle gets in the back seat with Michelle and Morris, Jack peels out of the parking lot. As soon as they leave, terrorists sneak up to the CTU entrance.
Terrorist: Bob: Man, I wish I would've ate dinner, it IS dinner time you know.
Terrorist Bill: Quiet, CTU is vulnerable right now. Now's our chance.
The two terrorists sneak into the building.
7:04:12, at the House Of Wax.
Kim runs down some stairs, trying to avoid furniture that Ima is flinging at her.
Kim: ACK!
Kim ducks as a lamp whizzes past her head. –CRASH-
Kim: Got to hide, got to hide.
Kim notices a bathroom down the hall, she takes off, running into the bathroom as she slams the door behind her…..she notices she's locked inside with….
Kim: Don Knotts?
Logan: No, it's me, you idiot.
Kim: Oh, what are you doing here?
Logan: Well I don't know about you, but I'm trying to hide from being killed.
Kim: Oh, me too.
Logan rolls his eyes.
Kim: How are we going to defeat her?
Logan: Well, she is a witch.
Kim: Yes.
Logan: And I have seen 'The Wizard Of Oz'
Kim: Uh…..yes.
Logan: grabs a cup and fills it up with water.
Kim: Uh, what are you doing?
Logan: Okay, you will go out there and distract Ima, then I'll throw this cup of water on her. Then she'll melt.
Kim: Wow! What an incredibly stupid idea!
Logan: Do you have anything better!?
Kim: -sigh- No.
Logan: Now get out there!
Kim: Fine!
Kim walks out of the bathroom.
Kim: OH NO! I tripped!
Ima flies through the corridor.
Ima: Tee hee!
Kim: Now, Mr. Logan!
Ima: ….
Kim: ….
Ima: ….
Kim: …..I said 'NOW MR. LOGAN!'
Ima: …..
Kim: …..
Ima peeks into the restroom.
Kim looks at Ima.
Kim: Can you hold for just a second?
Ima: Sure! Take your time.
Kim: Thanks.
Kim gets up and bolts into the restroom.
Kim: What the hell are you doing?! She's right outside!
Logan: The water doesn't work…
Kim: You sent me out there to get killed and you didn't even see if the water worked!?
Logan: I'm not perfect.
Kim: Now what?!
Ima: Is everything okay in there?
Logan and Kim: Yes! Just a minute!
Kim: Well, now because of your ingenious plan, Ima is right outside and if we don't think of something fast, she'll come in and kill us.
Logan: Uh….uh….
Kim: Hurry!
Logan looks around in a panic.
Logan: Yes! The toilet!
Kim: I don't think we can get away with giving her a swirly!
Logan: No, I can get the water from the toilet!
Kim: EW! That's gross. That water is dirty!
Logan: Are you serious, we're about to die and you're worried about that?!
Kim: Safety first!
Logan: Yes, our safety. Now go back out there and fall on your face again. Take it from the top.
Kim: Ugh….
Kim walks back out into the hall.
Kim: Okay, we're going to try this again, can you go back down the hallway and fly in here.
Ima: Sure!
Ima flies down to the end of the corridor.
Kim: OH NO! I tripped!
Ima flies up to her.
Ima: Tee Hee!
Kim: Now, Mr. Logan!
Ima: …..
Kim: …..
Ima: …..
Kim: …..dammit! Hold on.
Kim bursts in the restroom.
Logan: Do you mind!?
Kim: YOU'RE USING THE BATHROOM!?
Logan: Uh, yes, that's what they're here for.
Kim: You're going to get me killed! Oh, screw this.
Kim grabs the cup of water and walks back into the hall.
Kim: Hello.
Ima: Hello.
Kim throws the cup of water on Ima. –SPLOOSH!-
Ima: What did you do that for?
Kim: Hoping you would melt.
Ima: Well, that was a stupid idea.
Kim: That's what I said, but does he listen to me? No.
Ima: Oh well, that's men for ya.
Kim: Yeah, really.
Ima and Kim laugh.
Ima: I'm going to kill you now!
Kim: EEP!
Kim runs back into the bathroom. –SLAM!-
Kim: It didn't work.
Logan: Hmm, oh well, we tried.
Kim: Hmph!
7:07:44, at the Pizza Restaurant.
Tony: You won't get away with this!
Baxter: Uh, Tony I think you need to be talking to her. (Points at Mandy)
Tony: Oh right.
Tony turns to Mandy.
Tony: You won't get away with this!
Mandy: I already have, your friends are about to get eaten by zombies, and I'm about to kill you. I would say that I've won this one.
Tony: Damn! I have to think of something!
The zombies move in closer to Chloe and Baxter who are tied up, they try to kick them away.
Chloe: Uh, Tony if you could do something real soon that would be great.
Tony: Hmm…..I got it.
Mandy: …….
Tony: Oh….no I lost it…..no wait, I got it again.
Tony grabs some garlic.
Chloe: Dammit Tony…..
Tony throws it at Mandy, she shrieks before disappearing. –POOF!-
Chloe: Huh!? That actually worked. Well……hmm…..okay then.
Tony grabs a pizza cutter and runs to Chloe and Baxter, batting through the crowd of zombies.
Tony: Okay, just a second.
Tony starts using the pizza cutter to slice through the rope.
Baxter: There were a bunch of knives, just sayin….
A zombie looms in over Tony.
Tony: ACK!
Chloe gets her hand loose from the rope and pushes the zombie away from Tony. He pulls of the rope.
Chloe: Whew!
Tony: This way!
Tony, Baxter, and Chloe charge into the kitchen, closing the door behind them.
Chloe: Now what do we do?
Tony: Hmm…..I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Nadia (from the vent on the ground): We're still down here!
Tony: Quiet, Nadia! I'm trying to think!
Chloe: Nadia!?
Chloe and Baxter rush over to the vent, below they see Nadia and Karen imprisoned in The Jigsaw Killer's House Of Love!
Nadia: Ew!
Chloe: Nadia?! What are you doing down there with….Karen Hayes!
Karen: That's me!
Nadia: I was kidnapped from CTU, I don't know why Karen is here?
Karen: I told you, those maids captured me!
Baxter: Maids?
Karen: Yes, the president thought I was insane and wouldn't let me go to the press conference earlier today, so I disguised myself as a maid, my cover got blown, I hid at IHOP, my cover got blown again, and here I am.
Nadia: Hmm….
Chloe: We have to get down there.
Nadia: I wouldn't recommend that.
Chloe: Well, we're about to be eaten by zombies, we don't have any other way out.
Tony: Well, we do have an assortment of knives and rolling pins.
Baxter: …….I'm up for that.
Chloe: Me too. Nadia I'll get back to you.
Nadia: Okay.
Chloe and Baxter walk over to Tony.
Tony: Knife or Rolling Pin.
Chloe: Gun.
Tony: What?! But I want the gun!
Chloe: Whatever, I'll take the rolling pin.
Baxter: Knife please.
Tony hands them their weapons.
Tony: Now……we fight…..FOR FREEDOM!
Chloe and Baxter: HUZZAH!
Tony, Baxter and Chloe charge out the door, all of the zombies are holding guns.
Chloe: ACK!
Mandy: That was for the garlic, bye now!
Mandy poofs out.
Baxter: Retreat!
Chloe and Baxter haul back in the kitchen.
Tony: You guys don't scare me!
One of the zombies looms in to bite Tony as Chloe grabs him, pulling him into the kitchen.
Tony: ACK!
Baxter: That didn't work.
Tony: Okay, time for plan B!
Chloe: Go down through the vent.
Tony: Nope, we use reverse psychology!
Chloe: WHAT!?!
Baxter: Do you even know what that is?
Tony: Of course, silly! Here, watch.
Baxter: I have a feeling it's just going to be the two of us before the hour's up.
Chloe: I wouldn't be surprised.
Tony: Okay zombies! I want you to eat me!
Baxter: -groan-
Tony: See, if you act scared, and you go 'Please Don't Eat Me!' They will. If you want to be eaten then you go….
Tony looks down to see a zombie chewing on his arm. –MUNCH MUNCH!-
Chloe and Baxter: ACK!
Tony: That stings…
Baxter: Nice knowing you.
Tony: Wait!
Tony pushes the zombie away.
Tony: We're still going right.
Chloe: Uh….
Baxter: Uh….
Tony: Uh, what?!
Chloe: Well, not if you're a zombie, you're bound to turn into one now!
Tony: Well, technically I'm still dead. So if you think about it, I've been a zombie this entire time!
Baxter: ……..
Chloe: ……..
Baxter: …..really?!
Chloe: NO! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard….this hour. If you were dead the zombies wouldn't want you!
Tony: No, it's just that I taste really good!
Chloe: Oh barf….
Baxter: I'm leaving.
Tony: HEY!
Chloe: Fine, you can come with us. But the second you start eating people, we kill you.
Tony: But I'm already dead.
Chloe: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Tony: Fine, Yeesh.
Baxter: Hey, guys, we're coming down there.
Tony pulls off the vent and drops into the room below. Chloe lowers herself into the room as well, Baxter follows closing up the vent behind him.
Tony: Hi guys!
Nadia: What's wrong with your arm?
Tony: Nasty Green Bean Casserole Accident.
Karen: I hate those.
Chloe: NO! You got bitten by a zombie!
Nadia: WHAT?!
Tony: She's just pulling your leg.
Nadia: I can see the teeth marks, Tony.
Tony: Oh right.
Jigsaw: It's time for the next game.
Karen: Yay! More games.
Chloe: Eh…..
7:12:11, At the Australian White House………..what? There's an Australian White house…..I think.
General Fanderbelt enters the chambers of Australian President Harry Love.
Harry: Hello friends.
General: We have a situation.
Harry: Okay.
General: …..Jack Bauer…….is alive……
Harry: I see…….how do you know this?
General: We have one of our spies; he got these pictures of him and a Agent Mike Doyle trying to hijack a retirement bus.
Harry: I see, I knew that Noah Daniels was pulling something fishy.
General: Shall I have the United States blown up?
Harry: No…..in fact we wont let Daniels know about your….'discovery'.
General: Uh…….why not?
Harry: We'll deal with Bauer ourselves……
General: ……interesting……what did you have in mind….
Harry: Mwa ha ha ha!
General: …….
Harry: Oh sorry. Okay, here's what we'll do.
7:14:12, Harry and General Fannybandit discuss secrets / Tony and Karen are having a dance off, Chloe vomits / Jack and the others are driving to the boat dock / Tom is shooting a Calvin Klein commercial.
Tom: Anger. Hate. Love. Clowns. Sad. Pancakes. Obsession…by Calvin Klein.
Noah: Do you mind!? We have work to do!
Tom: Oh, right.
Uh, meanwhile…..
Jack: Allright let's get the body out of here.
Jack, Doyle, Michelle, Sherry, and Morris pile out of the car and grab the health inspector.
Jack: Allright and heave ho!
They waddle, carrying the body to the end of the dock, dumping him into the water. –SPLASH!-
Dawson: HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing!?
Jack: Uh oh!
Michelle: Jack! You just dumped the body of the health inspector in Dawson's Creek!
Jack: Yeah, well. You were holding him too, so you're liable as well, sister!
Michelle: Hmph.
Joey: Dawson! There's a dead body in the creek!
Dawson: Enough of that, Joey. We now have to talk about sexual intercourse!
Morris: Oh barf, DAHLING……
Jack: Get a room!
Sherry: Enough, we did our job lets get back before someone sees us!
Doyle: But what about the people from Dawson's Creek?
Sherry: Please Agent Doyle. Nobody gives a crap about Dawson's creek!
Dawson: HEY!
Jack: Mission Complete! Let's go home.
They walk back to the car and drive away, leaving the horrible past….behind them…..in the past……
THE END……of this segment.
7:17:01
Meanwhile, at The Actual White House.
Noah is messing with his Chia Pet. Tom walks in.
Tom: Mr. President, we have a situation.
Noah: Jack Bauer is alive, isn't he?
Tom: Uh, yes Mr. President, you already know that.
Noah: …..of course.
Tom: We received a disturbing individual on the phone for you.
Noah: Okay…..I'll take it.
Tom hands Noah the phone.
Noah: Yes?
Voice: I have a hostage.
Noah: Good for you.
Voice: Hmm. Okay, here's the thing. I want to see you in person, we have matters to discuss.
Noah: What kind of matters? And why can't we just discuss this over the phone.
Voice: We must meet in person. You must get here to Los Angeles as fast as you can.
Noah: Los Angeles!? I can't make it there that quickly!
Voice: Take a conveniently fast jet.
Noah: Hmm, I guess I could do that.
Voice: And you must come alone!
Noah: What about Tom, if he stays here at the White House he'll be worthless to the plot!
Voice: Ugh….fine you can bring him! But no one else!
Noah: And what if I change my mind?
Voice: I'll kill the hostage!
Noah: ………..and?
Voice: Hmm, that won't get you huh? Okay I'll…..dump a vat of toxic waste into the city's water supply!
Noah: Well, that wouldn't be pleasant.
Voice: No it wouldn't.
Noah: Okay then, Tom and I will start getting our stuff together right now.
Noah hangs up the phone.
Noah: Hmmm……this can't be good.
Tom: Well, I can finally leave this place, thank god.
Noah: You know, I still can't help but wonder what happened to Karen?
Tom: Ah, she'll turn up.
7:19:11, back at the House of Wax.
Milo closes a door behind him in a bathroom on the second floor of the house.
Milo: Okay I lost her.
Bill: Yay.
Milo: Okay, now what do we do? We lost Kim and Logan.
Bill: I don't know.
They both look around.
Milo: I know, I can get a glass of water and throw it on her.
Bill: Nah, I don't think that'll work.
Bill looks over to see a book on the toilet.
Bill: Oy! What is this?
Bill walks over and picks up the book. He starts to flip through a couple of pages.
Milo: Hmm…..we can throw toilet paper on her, but that would just piss her off.
Bill: Interesting.
Milo: What?
Bill: This thing I'm reading.
Milo looks at the cover of the book.
Milo: What is 'The Book Of Shadows'?
Bill: I guess it's a spell book of some sort.
Milo: Well, what does it have in it?
Bill: Let's see. There's a spell in here to make us become witches.
Milo: Perfect! Then we can take down Ima with no problem!
Bill: Okay, here goes. Morva…..Fortuna……Expialladocious!
-POOF!-
Bill: Hmm. I don't feel very witchy.
Milo: Neither do I…..
Bill: …uh…..
Milo: What?
Bill: Oh crap.
Milo: What is it…..hey….I can't move!...What the hell is wrong with me?!
Bill: I think I turned you into a pumpkin.
Milo: WHAT?!
Bill picks up Milo the pumpkin and shows his reflection in the mirror.
Milo: ACK!? Bill, do something.
The Book Of Shadows instantly disintegrates. –FIZZLE!-
Bill: Well, that's not good.
Milo: Dammit! Well, say that spell again!
Bill: So I can turn into a pumpkin!? No thanks.
Milo: Come on!
Bill: Wait……I just had an idea.
Bill holds onto Milo the pumpkin and runs out of the restroom.
7:26:12, at Jigsaw's.
Jigsaw: Okay slaves!
Chloe: -sigh-
Jigsaw: This next game will be extremely dangerous…..which is always good.
Karen: Finally, on to the good stuff.
Jigsaw: You will find two bandanas on the table behind you; Chloe and Tony will take the red one, as Nadia and Karen take the blue one.
Nadia: Bandanas?
Tony: Is this a three legged race?
Chloe: Don't be ridiculous, Tony.
Jigsaw: Yes it is.
Chloe: ECK!
Baxter: What do I do?
Jigsaw: You are the judge.
Baxter: Yes!
Tony ties the red bandana on his and Chloe's leg; Nadia does the same for her and Karen.
Karen: This is so much fun! (Claps)
Nadia: I feel like I'm going to scream.
Jigsaw: Okay, I'm going to go grab a bite to eat, Mr. Baxter, you know what to do.
Baxter: Okay! Ready team?
Tony: Ready!
Karen: Ready!
Chloe & Nadia: Not ready!
Baxter: GO!
They take off; Chloe and Tony instantly fall on their faces. –WHAMP!-
Chloe: OW!
Tony: That smarts…
Karen: We're going to win!
Nadia: Maybe we can finally get out of this horrible place.
Nadia and Karen cross the finish line.
Karen: WE DID IT! We won!
Baxter: Yay for the blue team!
Karen: What do we win?
Baxter: Hell if I know.
Chloe: That is it! We have to get out of here.
Chloe walks over to the door and tries to open it.
Chloe: Crap.
Tony: Could this get any worse?
Chloe: Tony! Why did you have to say that?!
Tony: What are you talking about?
Tony turns around to find Mandy standing behind them.
Tony: Oh right, that.
Mandy: You all are still alive; I'm going to have to do something about that.
Tony: Eeep!
Nadia: Now Mandy, we can settle this like adults….
Mandy: OR…I could just kill you.
Nadia: OR…..you could let us go. We won't tell anybody you're a witch.
Mandy: OR…..I could just kill you right now, and I wouldn't have to worry about it.
Tony: I have an idea. Watch this.
Baxter: Oh hell….
Chloe: Well, we're doomed.
Tony: You know what Mandy? I want you to kill me.
Nadia: WHAT?!
Chloe: Oh man. He's using reverse psychology again.
Mandy: Excuse me?
Tony: I'm not afraid of you….I want you to kill me……it'll be fun……or…..are you chicken…?
Mandy: I'm not afraid to kill you….I will kill you….
Tony: -BAWK-...
Mandy: Stop it, Tony. I'm not going to tell you again.
Tony: -BAWK- -BAWK-
He starts flapping his arms.
Mandy: DIE!
Mandy flings a fireball at Tony, who ducks just in time as it hits the door, incinerating it. –WOOSH!-
Mandy: Damn!
Tony grabs a chair and breaks it over Mandy's head. –CRASH!-
Tony: Take that!
Chloe: Oh my god, a plan of Tony's actually worked.
Baxter: There's a first time for everything, let's get the hell out of here!
Chloe, Tony, Baxter, Nadia, and Karen rush out of the room.
Jigsaw: Okay, I'm back. What did I miss………hello?...WHAT THE!? They're gone!? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
7:30:08, Chloe, Tony, Nadia, Karen, and Baxter run down a mysterious hallway / Jack, Michelle, Doyle, Morris, and Sherry are pulling into CTU / Bill peeks down a hallway carrying Milo the pumpkin / Noah and Tom about to load up in an insanely fast jet.
Jack and the others walk into the main hall of CTU.
Jack: Well, I'm glad that ordeal is over.
Doyle: Yea, but what are we going to do about Audrey now that she's a witch, and your grandmother who's still a witch, and everybody else in this damn story who just keeps turning into witches.
Jack: Hmm…..I'll look into that. I'll talk to that leprechaun and maybe he might know something.
Doyle: Okay, I'll go with you.
Jack: That's fine. Will you ladies be okay here?
Morris: HEY!
Jack: Oh, and Morris.
Sherry: I think we'll be okay Jack.
Michelle: Sure.
Morris: Especially since I'm here.
Sherry and Michelle roll their eyes.
Jack: Okay, let's go Doyle!
Doyle: Right!
Jack takes 2 steps before noticing a note on Morris' desk.
Jack: Hmm…….
Jack picks up the note.
Jack: Uh, Morris? Did you always have this here?
Morris: No, what is it?
Jack: I don't know……
Michelle: ……
Doyle: ……
Sherry: ……
Jack: ….well, bye!
Michelle: Open the note, Jack!
Jack: Oh, right, right.
Jack slowly opens the note.
Jack: Oh……my……god……
Sherry: What is it, Jack?
Jack: ……..it's blank!
Michelle slaps her forehead.
Morris: Other side, Jack.
Jack: Oh, oops! Ha ha ha! I don't know why I keep doing that.
Jack turns the paper over.
Jack: Let's see…….I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST HOUR…….
Michelle: WHAT?!
Doyle: Not good.
Jack: Okay! I'm sorry. I really had to use the restroom but I was too busy so I took a leak on Sherry's plant.
Sherry: YOU DID WHAT?!
Jack: I really had to go.
Sherry: Wait. I don't have any plants.
Jack: Yeah you do, it's in the shape of a pig or something.
Sherry: That would be my Chia Pet.
Jack: That was it.
Sherry: You relieved yourself on my Chia Pet?!
Jack: Yeah, what's the big deal?
Sherry looks up at the 2nd floor office which the Chia Pet has grown to immense size, crushing through the glass walls. –CRASH!-
Morris: Hmm. Okay, note to self. Don't pee on the Chia Pet.
Sherry: Jack! That's going to take forever to get rid of!
Michelle: That's actually really gross.
Jack: I don't see what the big deal is, you fussy britches…
Michelle: Jack! The letter. Do you think it was from the victim?
Jack: Of course not!
Morris: Yeah, dahling. He wouldn't have put that there before he croaked.
Michelle: But….but what if he isn't dead…….what if he came back to avenge his attempted murder…..I've seen it happen…..
Jack: That is absolutely redicul…..
The lights cut out. Everyone starts screaming.
Jack: AAAAHHHH!!!!!
Sherry: Okay, everybody calm down. All we have to do is just get to the circuit breaker. Michelle and Morris, you go to the basement.
Morris: We have a basement.
Sherry: Yes. Now you go down there and flip the breaker, I'll stay up here with the two agents with guns.
Michelle: Oh great, thanks.
Michelle and Morris make their way through the dark hallways, bumping into desks left and right.
Morris: OOF!
Michelle: Ow…..ow, dammit.
Morris: Oh, that stung.
7:37:35, Wax House. Kim and Logan or trapped inside a bathroom, Ima is trying to get inside the bathroom as well. Does she succeed? Let's watch……
Ima: Let me in! Let me in! Or I'll blow this door down! I can do that you know, I am a witch now.
Kim: Yeah, what's up with that? How did you become witches anyway?
Ima: Uh……I can't say.
Kim: Oh, that's lame.
Logan: Kim, look over here.
Kim: What?
Logan opens up a cabinet drawer, revealing a long tunnel.
Kim: It's a secret passage!
Logan: SHH! Don't say it so loud.
Ima: Say what so loud?
Kim and Logan: Nothing!
Ima: Oh, okay.
Logan: We can crawl through here and escape.
Kim: How do you know where it'll go?
Logan: Anyplace will lead us in a better situation then the one we're in now. Let's get moving.
Kim: Okay, I'll tell Ima goodbye.
Kim starts to get up, Logan drags her back down.
Kim: OW! What was that for?
Logan: You dolt! We're running from her, we don't want to let her know where we are headed!
Kim: Oh, right. Okay, lead the way.
Logan crawls in the cabinet tunnel, Kim follows, closing the door behind her.
Ima: Okay, I'm done waiting, I'm coming in now!
Ima blows down the door and flies in.
Ima: What's this?! They're gone! Wha….wha……-gasp-…..I hope they didn't find 'The Book Of Shadows'…..only terrible things can come out of using that cursed book!
Meanwhile….
Milo: What do you plan on doing?
Bill: You'll see.
Milo: Man, I wished you wouldn't have found that 'Book Of Shadows'….only terrible things come out of that cursed book.
Bill: Speak for yourself!
Milo: I am speaking for myself! You turned me into a pumpkin!
Bill: Well it it's any consolation, it was an accident. Everything will turn out fine!
Milo: Speak for yourself!
Bill: I was speaking for myself.
Milo: Grr…..
Back at CTU.
Michelle and Morris walk down some creaky stairs to the basement.
Michelle: Okay, let's make this quick.
Morris: Right, dahling.
Michelle: I think the breaker is over there.
Meanwhile, a few feet away from them.
Terrorist Bob: …..what was that noise?
Terrorist Bill: Oh crap! They're back, we're busted for sure.
T Bob: Don't worry, we'll get out of this.
T Bill: Okay.
Morris opens a panel for the circuit breaker.
Morris: Oh man, none of these switches are labeled.
Michelle: Try…..that one.
Morris: What makes you so sure it's that one?
Michelle: I have a gut feeling.
Morris: A gut feeling!? Are you serious? That could be the wrong switch and it could blow up the building.
Michelle: That's just absurd. Flip it.
Morris: No.
Michelle: Morris, flip the switch.
Morris: No, it could be the wrong one, and if it blows up the building I know somehow it's going to be blamed on me.
Michelle: Well yeah, that's the point.
Morris: I'm not flipping it.
Michelle: Fine! Then flip one.
Morris: Oh…….I don't know……which one should I flip?
Michelle: ARGH! I told you but you wouldn't listen….
Morris: Okay. I'll flip this switch.
Morris flicks the switch in the 'upward' position.
-BANG!-
Michelle: AAAHHH!!!
Morris: AAIIIEEEE!!!!
Michelle and Morris drop to the ground.
Morris: See! I told you.
Michelle: Wait……that was a gunshot.
Michelle slowly stands up; she turns around to see Terrorist Bob and Terrorist Bill.
Michelle: Oh crap.
Morris: Hmm…
T Bob: Okay, you're coming with us.
Michelle: Man….
Suddenly, a mysterious figure leaps from the shadows. He pulls out a fishing hook and stabs both of the terrorists. –SHOINK! SLICE!-
Terrorists Bob and Bill drop to the ground.
Michelle: Whew! That was close.
Morris: Agreed.
The man starts coming after Michelle and Morris.
Michelle: Oh no…..I don't think he's on our side.
Morris: ….you think!? Run for it!
Michelle and Morris dash up the stairs with the dark fisherman killer guy in hot pursuit.
Back in the main hall.
Doyle: Man…..so does anybody work here anymore?
Sherry: I don't know. I can't keep up.
Doyle: So, Jack. You're going to find this 'leprechaun' fella, huh?
Jack: Yup! He's the one that told me how to save Audrey.
Doyle: Oh, did you do it correctly, seeing how she's a witch now?
Jack: Well yes. All I had to do was kill the beast at Agatha's mansion.
Sherry: And did you?
Jack: ……yes…….well……I think I did……
-FLASHBACK-
Jack: It's raining, quite hard actually.
Agatha: HA!
Agatha zaps the beast off of the roof. He falls to his death. –SPLAT-
Jack: EXPECTO PETRONUM!
Agatha: Block!
Jack: DAMMIT!
-FIN-
Doyle: Wait…..you didn't actually kill the beast? Agatha did?
Jack: Ok……maybe a little.
Doyle: Well, that's a shame too. I heard that the beast was under a spell, put on him by an evil witch. And just as long as his true love said she loved him, it would've broken the spell.
Jack: Yeah……that didn't happen.
-FLASHBACK-
Beast: Hello.
Jack: Hi friends!
Chloe, Tony, Logan, and the others: Hi Jack.
Jack: Oh, hi Kim!
Kim: Hi dad!
Jack: Thanks for not killing my daughter, I love you!
Logan: ACK!
-FIN-
Doyle: You told the beast you loved him!
Jack: Well…….a little…..
Doyle: Jack, if you try to cheat the system to break a spell like that, it will only backfire and make the witch who cursed him even more powerful.
Jack: What?! How do you know that?
Doyle: Everyone knows that.
Jack looks at Sherry.
Sherry: Yeah, I knew that.
Doyle: Because long ago, there was a myth about a group of 4 witches…..
Jack: A coven.
Doyle: Whatever, these witches roamed the city torturing civilians left and right.
Jack: What happened?
Doyle: When they were taking a break the S.W.A.T team captured them and they had a witch trial. They burned at the stake, all that good stuff.
Jack: So…….?
Doyle: Well, it's been told that the head witch said right before she died that she will wreck havoc on the city in the future by using her spirit to take a human form, then when she became powerful enough, she would use the souls of her fallen sisters to take human forms as well, then the 4 witches will be reborn….again……
Jack: …..I'm sorry, that was waay too much detailed information, are you a mole?
Doyle: No, I read it in a book.
Jack looks at Sherry.
Sherry: I read the same book, he's right.
Jack: So……let me get this straight. There were 4 witches, they died. The leader came back and has taken over the form of my grandmother's body. She used her magic to put a spell on Prince whatshisface, I screwed up the curse, she's now more powerful, and now has the ability to use the roaming spirits of her sisters to put in human forms as well, which is probably what she did with Audrey and 2 other people, correct?
Doyle: That would probably seem like the most sensible theory.
Jack: So….the moral is….
Doyle: Is that you screwed up big time and will be the death of all of us.
Jack: Oh please, we're perfectly fine; nobody is going to kill us.
Michelle and Morris run into the main hall.
Michelle: Somebody is trying to kill us!
Jack: You guys really need to stop doing that; it's making me look bad.
Michelle: We went to the basement; there were terrorists down there….
Sherry: Terrorists?!
Michelle: Yeah, and this fisherman guy hopped out and killed them, then came after us.
Morris: With a hook……
Doyle: Uh…..
The fisherman runs into the main hall wielding his hook.
Michelle: ACK!
Morris: AIIEEE!!!
Doyle pulls out his gun and shoots the fisherman in the face. –BANG!-
He drops to the ground.
Michelle: Oh….well that was simple.
Sherry: See, that is why I stayed up here with the guys with guns.
Michelle: Well, you could've sent one of them down there with me, you sent me with Morris! What was he going to do? Offer them his latest selection of women's shoes!?
Morris: HEY! I made good money doing that!
Sherry: So…..who's the killer?
Jack walks over to the fisherman's body and pulls off the mask.
Jack: DON KNOTTS!?
Michelle: Good grief….
Sherry: No it's……
Morris: Bloody hell, it's Dawson! From Dawson's Creek!
Dawson: Oh…..and I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids.
Jack: What are you doing here?
Michelle: Yeah, I thought you were the health inspector we killed about an hour ago.
Dawson: Oh no, he was dead. I was just pissed that you dumped that rotting corpse into my creek!
Michelle: Oh…..
Sherry rolls her eyes.
Sherry: Well, throw him in holding for now. We have bigger issues to deal with.
Jack: Huh?
Sherry: We have to find out what those terrorists were doing here. They might not be dead, you guys go retrieve them. Maybe they can give us some information.
Jack: Right! Come on Doyle.
Sherry: No, he stays here, Morris you go with him.
Jack: Morris!? Man, what's he going to do, offer them his new line of women's shoes?!
Michelle: I already said that Jack.
Morris: You all can bite me.
7:50:12, back at the Wax House.
Bill walks up some stairs to the second floor, holding Milo the pumpkin.
Milo: Man, I hate being a pumpkin.
Bill: Oh quit whining.
Milo: Okay, we'll switch.
Bill: HA! Hell no, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes…..if you still had them.
Milo: GRR!
Ima flies in front of them.
Bill: Oh crap!
Milo: It's the witch!
Bill: Uh….Uh…..
Milo: Okay, that plan can come into good use right about now, Bill!
Bill: Right!
Bill slowly walks up to Ima.
Bill: If you let me go…..I will give you this pumpkin!
Ima: I love pumpkins!
Milo: WHAT!? Bill, you traitor!
Ima: Oh, it talks. I don't like it when they do that. Okay, I'm going to have to kill you.
Ima readies up a huge ball of flame.
Bill: Oh this can't be good.
Ima starts to throw it toward Bill and Milo's direction when suddenly, Kim and Logan fall from a vent on the ceiling. They land on Ima, making her miss. The flame hits the wall and starts to spread. –FWOOSH!-
Bill: There you guys are!
Kim: Oh crap!
Ima: It's you! Oh, you won't get away with this!
Flames start spreading on the carpet around them.
Ima: I'm going to seal your fates! All of you! Mwa ha ha ha!
Kim: uh…..uh……here!
Kim grabs the pumpkin from Bill's hands and tosses it towards Ima. It hits her in the head before falling to the ground below, crushing into pieces. –SPLAT!-
Ima: ACK!
Ima loses her balance and falls over the railing to the first floor in a giant oozing mass of wax, she sinks underneath it. Bill, Logan, and Kim watch to see if she surfaces…..which she does not.
Logan: ….wow……you killed her, Kim.
Kim: Man…..Ima Relieved! Ha ha ha ha….
Kim, Logan, and Bill laugh….for a couple of seconds.
Kim: Say, where's Milo?
Bill: Oh, I turned him into a pumpkin.
Kim: Oh that sucks….wait…..was that?
Bill: Yeah…..
Kim: Oh……uh oh……
Logan: I think we need to leave, now.
Logan, Kim, and Bill run downstairs. Bill and Logan managed to open the door, as the group bolts outside to watch the building melt to the ground.
Kim: It's over…….
Logan: …..not quite….
Kim: …..yeah……How the hell do we get home?
Logan: ……
Bill: …….
Kim: …hmm……hey, the McDonald's is open. That's strange.
Logan: Yeah, I thought….nevermind, let's go.
They walk toward the McDonalds as the screen shrinks down at 7:55:01. Kim, Logan, and Bill walk into the fast food joint / Chloe, Tony, Baxter, Nadia, and Karen are still running down a hall, reaching an elevator. / Jack and Morris walk downstairs into the basement / Michelle, Doyle, and Sherry hang out in the main hall / Harry is eating some ice cream / Noah and Tom are flying to Los Angeles.
Chloe: Which floor?
Baxter: I don't know. I guess the 1st.
Chloe: Yeah…..
Nadia: I hope there's no guards are anything.
Chloe presses the 1st floor button.
The elevator starts to move.
Tony: You know, I could go for some pizza now.
Everyone agrees.
Suddenly, an alarm goes off. –WEE! WOO! WEE! WOO!-
Baxter: The hell!?
Chloe: Uh oh.
There's a banging on the elevator door.
The doors start to open, Tony quickly presses the 'Close Doors' button, which they shut.
Voice: Prisoners! You will let us in! Don't make us use force.
Chloe: What should we do?
They look around the elevator. The doors start to open, Tony closes them again.
Tony: Well, I have to keep them closed; they'll probably throw us in a prison.
Karen: Yeah, without games too I bet!
Chloe: We have to think of something fast….
Tony: I got it!
Tony reaches for the 'Open Door' button.
Chloe and Baxter: NO!!!!!
They tackle Tony.
Baxter: Tony, friend, you may have gotten us out of a bind last time but that was just luck. And please, reverse psychology doesn't work all the time!
Tony: Man, you guys are no fun.
Voice: This is your last chance! Open the door!
Chloe: …..
Tony: …..
Voice: Okay! Get the explosives.
Chloe: Oh crap…..
Back at CTU.
Morris and Jack look around the basement; the bodies of the 2 terrorists are gone.
Morris: Dahling, they were here. Michelle and I saw them!
Jack: Hmm…..
Agatha walks from the shadows.
Agatha: Looking for something?
Morris: EEP!
Jack: It's you.
Agatha: I see I didn't succeed in killing you last time.
Jack: I don't care what you have to say, you're not my grandmother. I know you were just some spirit or something….actually Doyle told me the whole thing; I just forgot what he said.
Agatha: Enough! This city will pay for making my sisters and I suffer the horrible burnings at the stake that night!
Jack: Uh….
Morris: Really? Hmm, when it happened to Chloe she didn't complain that much.
Jack: Well, I know you have taken over Agatha's body. And killing you is the only way I can do this.
Agatha: Don't be stupid, Jack.
Jack pulls out his wand.
Morris: Oh geez, here we go.
Agatha: ……..
Jack: ……
Agatha: ………
Jack: EXPECTO PETRONUM!
Agatha: Block!
Agatha waves her wand back at Jack; she shoots a beam of green light at him.
Jack: Reflect!
Agatha: AH!
Jack reflects the beam back onto Agatha. –ZAP!-
Agatha: URK!...
Agatha slumps to the ground.
Morris: Well, that was a little anti-climatic.
Jack kneels down next to Agatha.
Jack: I'm sorry……
Agatha: Jack….I knew you had to do this….
Morris looks at Jack.
Morris: Uh, this is getting a little dramatic.
Jack: What happened to Audrey?
Agatha: ……when….when my body was possessed by the leader of the coven, and you screwed up big time by corrupting the beasts spell, the souls of her sisters took the forms of 3 women. 2 of them took over the bodies of Charles Logan's assistants, Ima and Mandy. Then the youngest sister, took advantage of Audrey being in a coma, took over her body. And now…..now that you have slain the leader…..
Jack: What?...
Agatha: Now that you've slain me, the souls of the other sisters should be destroyed as well.
Jack: Would that kill them.
Agatha: No, it wouldn't…..kill them…..they'll be fine…..but you just had to kill their leader….
Jack: I see….
Morris: So what now?
Jack: So I can save Audrey now?
Agatha: I don't know….where she would be now……but you must stop him…..
Jack: Him? Who?...who must I stop?
Agatha: The man…..that Logan and I have been working for……
Jack: How do you know who he is?
Agatha: I've spent more time with him than Logan did. I was his favorite…..
Jack: Ah….
Agatha: He….. is going to kill the president.
Jack: ….who?
Agatha: ……R….r……Rolando Callahan….
Jack: ….say what?!
Agatha: yes……we've been working for him…….the entire time….
Morris: The ex-president of the United States? I thought he was dead.
Agatha: ….he….faked his death…..by pretending to be poisoned……he…..is trying to lure…..the president here……to LA…….so he can kill him……you must…..stop….him……urk…
Agatha rolls over to the side, becoming unresponsive.
Jack: ……oh man…..
Morris: This has gotten too dramatic. I better break the ice.
Morris throws a pie in Jack's face. –SPLAT!-
Jack: UGH! Was that really necessary?
Morris: Yes…..yes it was.
7:59:57
7:59:58
7:59:59
8:00:00
Milo wakes up…..in a white room.
Milo: What the….where am I….?
He is approached by George Mason.
Mason: Hello, Milo.
Milo: Oh crap, it's you!
Mason: Good to see you too.
Milo: What happened? Where am I?
Mason: You are dead.
Milo: Oh no! Not that!
Mason: And I have come to ask you if you would like to join me….and become a grim reaper?
Milo: Say what?
Mason: I need a new assistant; my last one was really sloppy.
Milo: I don't understand.
Mason: You got turned into a pumpkin and got killed, now you are in the afterlife, got it?
Milo: Oh……..wait……why is this scene being shown, didn't the clock already hit 8:00?
Mason: Oh, the digital clock is a little fast this week.
Milo: Oh…..
Mason: Yeah…..
Milo: I see……
Mason: …….yup….
Milo: …….
George: ……….Okay, let's go.
Milo stands up and follows Mason.
7:59:57
7:59:58
7:59:59
8:00:00
Sam: That is a wrap! Finally, we're done with this absurd witch plot!
Fred: Well, that's good.
Paul: I have even better news.
Fred: What?
Paul: '24' is labeled 'The best show this season'……says Teen Beat Magazine.
Fred: -groan-
NEXT TIME ON 24……..
-SWOOSH-
Michelle: Callahan is alive?
Jack: Yes.
Sherry: That is insane.
Morris: I agree!
Morris throws a pie in Jack's face again. –SPLOOK!-
-SWOOSH-
Chloe: Oh no! I'm never going to get rid of these pimples, and it's only 5 minutes before prom!
Tony: Try this Chloe O'Brian.
Chloe puts some astringent on her face. –SIZZLE!-
Chloe: AAAHHH! My flesh! It burns!
Tony: That only means it's working….
-SWOOSH-
Kim: So what did you get?
Bill: I got a hamburger with no pickles!
Logan: That's it? Your bag looks pretty full.
Bill flips the bag upside down, a giant load of pickles fall out.
Bill shakes his fist in the air.
Bill: THOSE BASTARDS!
-SWOOSH-
On the jet.
Noah: So what in-flight film can we watch?
Tom: We have 'Happy Feet'……and 'The Happy Feet Deluxe Edition' which includes outtakes, a making of segment, and 197 hours of extended footage.
Noah: I see.
Noah grabs for a parachute and heads for the exit.
AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24 NEXT WEEK!...beep…..beep…..beep…..beep……beep……