Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that good gravy, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Wookies were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 14
8:00pm – 9:00pm 'Haunted By The Past'
ON A CLEAR SUNNY DAY ON A MONDAY MORNING IN FRONT OF PAUL'S HOUSE.
Paul walks out of his house and out to his car to go to work. He notices Fred operating a lemonade stand.
Paul: Uh….morning Fred.
Fred: Morning Paul.
Paul: Uh….so…..what's going on?
Fred: Running a lemonade stand.
Paul: Cool, cool. Are…uh…..you going into work today?
Fred: Nope!
Paul: Ok, that's cool. Um…….how come?
Fred: I'm quitting the writing staff.
Paul: WHAT!? You can't quit! We need you!
Fred: Come on Paul; look at what we've become. Look at where the plot of '24' has taken us.
Paul: What do you mean?
Fred: Oh, please. You haven't noticed it?
Paul: No.
Fred: Look what we've gotten ourselves into this season. We've been through god only knows how many presidents, Ronald McDonald and Kim Bauer both being one, we've had witches, zombies, McDonalds brand teleportation devices, numerous IHOP references, characters coming back from the dead, turning into pumpkins or grim reapers. I mean….its just not the same anymore.
Paul: Well, we can fix it. It's not too late.
Fred: I don't know, Paul.
Paul: Tell you what. You take the day off and sell lemonade. You leave the writing to Sam and me.
Fred: That's what I'm afraid of.
Paul: Nonsense! Ok, I'll talk to you later, sell lots of lemonade!
Paul gets in his car and drives off.
A little girl walks up.
Fred: Hi, would you like some lemonade?
Girl: Just what the hell do you think you're doing?!
Fred: Uh….what are you talking about?
Girl: I mean this!
Fred: Oh….I'm just selling lemonade.
Girl: I'm selling lemonade too!
Fred: Big deal! You want a prize or something?
Girl: You're trying to take away from my business.
Fred: No I'm not!
The girl whistles, The Mafia shows up.
Fred: Uh…..
Girl: Take care of this. Then break his legs!
The Mafia tears Fred's lemonade stand to shreds. –CRASH!-
Fred: You know, I think I'll go to work today.
Fred runs off.
Beep….beep…..beep…..beep……bepbepbepbepbpebpebpepbpebe…..24!!!!!!
Chloe: Previously on 24……
-SWOOSH-
Kim, Charles Logan, Bill, and Milo run through the woods.
Milo: We're being chased by a psycho killer witch!
Bill: Let's hide in this House Of Wax!
Bill turns Milo into a pumpkin after reading a spell from 'The Book Of Shadows' –POOF-
Milo: ACK!
Kim throws Milo the pumpkin and hits Ima in the head, Ima and Milo fall to their deaths. –SPLAT!-
Kim: That was Milo?
Bill: Yes.
Kim: Whoops! (KIM BAUER)
-SWOOSH-
Milo: Where am I?
George Mason: This is the afterlife; you will become a grim reaper now.
Milo: Oh man, not this plot again! (MILO PRESSMAN)
-SWOOSH-
Tom: Mr. President, I have a person on the phone for you.
Noah: Hello?
Voice: I have a hostage, and if you aren't willing to buy that I am going to dump crap into the city's water supply. I must speak with you personally and only you….
Tom: -ahem-
Voice: -sigh-….only you and Mr. Lennox can come. Get here as fast as you can.
Noah: Hmm…..
Tom: Who was it?
Noah: Now how would I know that?!
Tom: Just asking, Yeesh…. (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)
-SWOOSH-
Sherry, Jack, Doyle, Michelle, and Morris dump the body of the health inspector into Dawson's creek. –SPLASH!-
Michelle: I think that the health inspector is still alive and is trying to kill us. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
Jack rips off the fisherman's mask.
Morris: Oh bloody hell, it's Dawson!
Dawson: And I would've…
Everyone (deadpan): gotten away with it too if it weren't for us meddling kids….
Dawson: Uh….yeah…..
-SWOOSH-
Tony, Chloe, Nadia, and Karen participate in a three legged race. Baxter judges.
Baxter: And….go!
Mandy fires a bolt at Tony, who ducks; it hits the door setting them free. Tony hits Mandy over the head with a chair. –KWACK!-
Mandy: OOF!
They run into an elevator.
Voice: You better open this door or we will blow it open!
Chloe: I really need to start calling in sick more… (CHLOE O'BRIAN AND FRIENDS)
-SWOOSH-
General Funkytown: What should we do about Bauer, now that he's alive and the American President lied to us?
Harry: Don't worry about Noah Daniels……we'll with Bauer…..a different way. (AUSTRALIAN PRESIDENT HARRY LOVE)
-SWOOSH-
Jack: Okay, now what happened, explain it to me again.
Agatha: -sigh-. A long time ago there were these witches who were burned at the stake and they didn't like it and the leader sworn vengeance on the people later, her soul would come back and take someone's human form, which is what happened to me. Upon doing so I try to go to the Prince's castle, he was a jerk, I put him under a horrible curse that can be lifted if his true love confessed her love to him, or can be botched and thus me getting my strength and all my powers back by some idiot.
Jack: That would be me… (JACK BAUER)
Agatha: Right. With that, I would then have the power to summon the souls of my sisters who would take on the human forms of Mandy The Assassin, Ima Mole, and Audrey Raines. The only way to eradicate the damage done is to take out the leader, and the souls of her sisters will disappear along with them, as long as the 'host' of the souls did not perish, they will revert back to normal.
Morris: That's the plot?!
Ima falls into a massive pool of wax, sinking to death. Agatha dies at the hands of Jack reversing her green light beam spell thing. Mandy lies unconscious in Jigsaw's Playhouse. Audrey is god only knows where……
Agatha: You must stop my superior…..ex-president Rolando Callahan….
Jack: WHAT?! I thought he died in Episode 1!?
Agatha: He…faked his death…and…..was in charge….or everything all along…..URK!
Jack: Looks like this isn't over yet.
Morris: Dammit! I want to eat and take a nap for cryin out loud!
Jack: The following takes place between 8:00pm and 9:00pm.
Jack and Morris walk back into the main hall of CTU. Michelle, Doyle and Sherry sit on desks talking about something unimportant.
Sherry: Morris!
Jack: and Jack!
Sherry: I needed to ask if you had anything in a size 19.
Michelle: Good lord!
Morris: Sure do, dahling!
Morris whips out a suitcase filled with women's shoes.
Michelle: Ugh…
Jack: Agatha Bauer is dead.
Doyle: Huh!?
Michelle: What?! How is that?
Jack: Man I have to explain it!? Don't you people ever watch the show!?
Michelle: Uh….
Morris: Hmm….
Jack: Okay, here's the speed through. There were these witches, they croaked, the leader's spirit came back and needed a body to fill, she took Agatha's, she put curse on The Beast, I screwed up the process of the spell getting broken. She became really bad and powerful and summoned the souls of her dead sisters; they took over the bodies of Mandy, Ima Mole, and Audrey. In order for their spirits to be released and everything to go back to normal I had to kill the leader, who was Agatha, which I did, because that's how I roll…..
Michelle: Eh?
Morris: It was luck.
Jack: Shut up, Morris! Man, crampin mah style yo!
Michelle: Whatever. So, she's dead, now what?
Jack: Oh the best part, we know who she and Charles Logan were working for.
Michelle: Who?
Jack: ……
Doyle: ……
Michelle: …..
Morris: ……
Sherry: ……
Jack: …….
Doyle: ……
Michelle: …..WELL!?
Jack: …what?
Michelle: Who the hell was Agatha Bauer working for!?
Jack: Oh right. I have the answer…..right in this envelope!
Michelle: Why do you have to….oh forget it, just get a move on.
Jack: The name of Agatha Bauer's boss is……..drum roll please!
Jack looks at Morris.
Morris: What?
Jack: Drum roll!
Morris: What?
Jack: Do the drum roll!
Morris: Is that like…a dance or something?
Jack: Are you serious!? You know that thing when they are about to present something really important and they 'do a drum roll' in the moment of intense expectation of what the outcome will be.
Morris: Not really.
Jack: Just……tap your hands on your desk as fast as you can.
Morris: Oh, I can do that!
Jack: Good.
Jack: And….
-WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!-
Jack: What the hell was that!?
Morris: Uh….I did what you told me too.
Michelle is fuming.
Jack: No….faster.
Morris: Oh, got it.
Jack: Okay……now…
-WHAP!WHAP!WHAP!WHAP!WHAP!-
Jack: No, no, no! You got it all wrong!
Michelle is really fuming.
Jack: Okay first, wait till I say 'drum roll, please!' Then you tap your hands really fast, alternating hands, not both at the same time.
Morris: OH! THAT! Ok, gotcha.
Jack: Okay…….what were we doing again?
Michelle is turning red, clenching her fists.
Doyle: Where's this steam coming from?
Jack: Oh I remember. Agatha Bauer's boss is…..drum roll please!
-WHAPITY! WHAPITY! WHAPITY!-
Jack: Good.
Morris: Thanks.
Jack: Thought you might want to think about next time doing….
Michelle: Jack! Tell us, or die!
Jack: Rolando Callahan.
Michelle: …..
Doyle: …..
Morris: ….what was I supposed to do next time?
Michelle: That's impossible, Jack! He's dead!
Jack: No….he faked his death!
Sherry: What?!
Doyle: What?!
Morris: Man, these shoes smell kinda funny. –Sniff! Sniff!-
Jack: And here is what I think happened…..
-JACK'S THEORY-
At the White House, the president is eating his sausage Mcmuffin.
Rolando: Mmm. Good food. munch munch….BLECH! (Passes out on his sandwich).
Tom: Mr. President!!!
Noah and Karen rush in.
Tom: The president's Mcbreakfast has been poisoned! And those are my only lines this episode, weak!
Karen: I'll stand here and do nothing!
Noah: I'll call in the joint chiefs to put the 25th amendment in affect so I can finally become president! Oh goody! (he claps his hands then skips away).
Jack: When everyone left the room, Rolando escaped outside and met with his terrorist buddies. They proceeded to The Prince's house to take over the place. Agatha just became a witch and put the mansion and all of its residents under a spell to turn them into furniture and household appliances. Logan was working for Callahan, but also working against Agatha not knowing that they both work for the same man, and that Agatha was truly his favorite and that eventually he used Logan to kill the president, which he failed at, just to pawn him off on us losers!
-FIN-
Michelle: How do you know that?
Jack: I don't know, it just sounded good.
Michelle: Well, you're wrong.
Jack: What? I'm never wrong.
Michelle: Callahan's body was still there when Ronald Palmer took over.
Jack: No it wasn't!
Michelle: Yes it was Jack. Don't you ever watch the show?
Jack: Touché Mrs. Dessler, Touché.
Michelle: So try again.
Jack: Okay, how about this?
-JACK'S THEORY 2-
At the White House, the president is eating his sausage Mcmuffin.
Rolando: Mmm. Good food. munch munch….BLECH! (Passes out on his sandwich).
Tom: Mr. President!!!
Noah and Karen rush in.
Tom: The president's Mcbreakfast has been poisoned! And those are my only lines this episode, that's weak!
Karen: I'll stand here and do nothing!
Noah: -Sigh- I'll call in the joint chiefs to put the 25th amendment in affect so I can finally become president! Oh goody! (he slumps off).
Jack: After they left, Rolando jumped into a cloning machine…
-INTERRUPT-
Michelle: Just stop! That doesn't even……you know what? Forget it; it doesn't matter how he ended up where he is now and how he managed to successfully fake his death.
Sherry: That's right! If he's our new target, we have to shift our priority on him!
Morris: I have a theory…
-MORRIS' THEORY-
At the White House, the president is eating his sausage Mcmuffin.
Rolando: Mmm. Good food. munch munch….BLECH! (Passes out on his sandwich).
Tom: Oh, Mr. President, you are dead……oh no…..
Noah and Karen rush in.
Tom: The president's Mcbreakfast has been poisoned and this is my only line this episode, that's weak….
Karen: I'll stand here and do nothing!
Noah: I'll call those people to do that thing where I'll…..oh boy! (He claps then walks off)
-FIN-
Sherry: ….
Jack: ….
Michelle: …..go on.
Morris: That's it.
Michelle: Morris! That actually happened! It's doesn't explain how he faked his death.
Morris: Okay, let's try this one….
Sherry: Ugh….
Michelle looks over at the TV, the news was on.
Reporter: And it's been a terrifying night at Lawn Park Mall where the entire building has been infested with zombies! If you zoom in right over there next to the food court, you can see several people about to get eaten in a pizza restaurant. I hope they get their meal for free! Ha! Ha! Ha! Back to you, Ted.
Michelle: Holy crap, it's Chloe!
Morris looks at the TV.
Morris: Now dahling, that's not very nice. Just because Chloe forgot to put makeup on today doesn't mean you have to say she's a zombie!
Michelle: No you moron, it's Chloe…..-gasp-, and Tony's there too! We have to save them!
Jack: Uh oh, this was from a previous broadcast, who knows where they are now?
Michelle: Let's go.
Jack: Well, that's not all.
Sherry: What are you talking about?
Jack: Agatha told me that Callahan is forcing the President to come here or he'll do something nasty.
Sherry: President Daniels is on his way here?
Jack: Yeah, so Doyle and I will rush to the airport to try to stop him. Morris, you go with Michelle to rescue Chloe and Tony, hopefully they haven't been eaten yet.
Michelle: Thanks Jack. –Rolls eyes-
Sherry: Well, I'll stay here and clean.
Jack: What are you going to clean here?
Sherry: Oh let's see, the wreckage from when you crashed the Delorean is still here, and since you don't remember 'watering' my Chia Pet, it's grown and taken over my office.
Jack: That reminds me, I need to pee before we go.
Sherry: GRR!
8:06:12, in a weird dark room. Audrey comes to, she looks at her surroundings.
Audrey: Oh….my head…….where the hell am I now? Let's see, I remember being in the terrorist prison….I remember Jack rescuing me…..I remember getting hit in the head a lot.
A football flies and smacks her in the face. –WHAP!-
Audrey: OW! That didn't happen, dammit!
Audrey tries to move…..but she cannot.
Audrey: What the beans?
Audrey notices she's tied to a chair.
Audrey: GASP OF SHOCK! What the hell did Jack do with me?
Rolando Callahan emerges from the shadows.
Rolando: I can answer that for you, my dear.
Audrey: What the?! President Rolando Callahan….?! Hey wait a minute; didn't you die back in episode 1?
Rolando: Presumably.
Audrey: -Gasp!- You faked your death!?
Rolando: That would be the short of it, yes.
Audrey points her finger at him.
Audrey: Ummmmmm. I'm telling!
Rolando: I'm afraid you aren't going anywhere.
Audrey: Well hell….
Rolando: As the remaining 'witch' sister who's not either dead or unconscious, I will need you.
Audrey: What are you talking about?
Rolando: You were a witch, and now you lost your powers. But not to worry, I've had my mad scientist create a formula to, well, 'cheat the system' and get you those powers back so you can be good as new.
Audrey: WHAT?! Mad Scientist!? You can't do that! The witch plot is done with! I won't let you!
Rolando: You don't have a choice, I'll be back….oh when will it be a convenient time……at the top of the hour.
Audrey: That can either be good or bad…..
Rolando exits the room.
Audrey: Okay, I have to get the hell out of here.
8:09:23, In the Mall/Pizzeria/Torture Dungeon Chloe, Tony, Baxter, Nadia, and Karen were stuck in an elevator about to be blown to bits.
Tony: Bits and Bits!
Voice: Okay, get the explosives!
Chloe: Tony, think of something!
Tony hits a 'black button'.
-KA CLUNK! KA KA CLUNK!-
Chloe: AAAH! Tony, what did you do?!
Tony: I don't know what I hit.
The elevator shaft shakes violently.
Nadia: Oh this is sooo not god.
Karen (dressed in all black leather): Tell me about it…..stud!
She puffs on her cigarette. –PUFF!-
Nadia: Where the hell did you get those clothes?!
Baxter: Yikes!
Karen: They fell from that hole up there.
The group looks at the ceiling of the elevator above Karen to see an open hatch.
Baxter: Excellent! All we need to do is climb through there and…..
The elevator car cable breaks, it plummets to the ground.
Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
-CRASH-
Chloe: Oh……ow…….
Karen: Oh no! I ripped my new clothes!
Tony gets up and starts to push on the elevator door, it opens just enough so everyone can squeeze through.
Chloe: Oh….
Baxter: crap….
Nadia: We're on the same level where we started!
Karen: Hmm, maybe we'll get to play more games…
Chloe: ……Fire Stairs!
The gang bursts through the fire stairway door and starts to climb up the stories above.
8:12:14, in a white room.
Milo: So……I died?
George Mason: Yes.
Milo: I see…….now I'm a grim reaper?
Mason: Not yet, you must train.
Milo: Oh…..how do I do that? Do I like to…..pee in a cup or something?
Mason: -Sigh- No, you have to do hard work and physical training.
Milo: Oh man…….why so much training, all you do is have to kill people.
Mason: It's harder than it looks, now keep walking.
Milo: And what did you say happened to the grim reaper before me?
Mason: Uh……
-FLASHBACKS-
Chloe walks over to the man about to eat his dinner at Adam Logan's Chicken Fry Palace.
Chloe: Hi, can I touch you?
The man looks up from his basket of chicken.
Man: Uh…I guess so.
Chloe strokes the man's arm, reaping his soul.
Chloe: Okay, watch for falling statues, enjoy your lunch.
She walks back to George.
Chloe: How did I do?
George: You did well for your first time; death is an important part of how the world works. Our job is done here.
-CRASH-
People outside: Oh my god! A gargoyle statue just fell on that man! He's going to miss out on today's specials!
-SWOOSH-
At Wal-Mart.
Chloe: GASP! WHEEZE! Okay….-huff-….-puff-….I did it.
George: Good job, Chloe, I should give you a promotion.
Chloe: Wonderful…..I'm so friggin thrilled.
George: Now we better get out of here, before the bomb goes off and kills everyone.
Wal-Mart Clerk: WHAT?!
George: Oh, just kidding.
Clerk: That's good.
George: Don't forget to reap her too.
Clerk: WHAT?!
Chloe slides her hand down the Clerk's arm.
George: Another job well done.
-KA BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!-
Chloe: Uh…..
Man: Oh my god, somebody blew up a 'Payless Shoe Store'!
Woman: It's raining shoes! ACK! High Heels! They hurt! OW!
George: Hmm…..
Chloe: You made me do the wrong place again, didn't you?
George: Yea, you better put the souls back into those 300 people you just reaped or the powers that be will be really pissed.
Chloe: God I hate you…..
-FIN-
Milo: What's up with this? Are we going to clip show this week?!
Mason: You'll do A LOT better than her, let's keep moving.
8:14:34, meanwhile, at McDonalds.
Kim: Why is this here, I'm just wondering. I could've sworn it blew up.
Bill: Yeah.
Logan: Oh well, we at least better be glad to be alive and…..
Kim: What is it?
Logan: The workers here are staring at us suspiciously.
Bill: I'm sure it's all in your head.
Logan: They're pointing.
Bill: All in your head.
Logan: And laughing.
Bill: In your head.
Logan: And drawing guns.
Bill: You're nuts, okay.
3 of the workers confront them at the table.
Worker Bob: You're going to have to come with us.
Bill: Why?
Bob: Because I said so….that and I'm holding a gun.
Logan: What is the meaning of this?
Bob: This is a holdup; we've taken over this McDonalds and am now going to hold you hostage. You're going to have to go to the freezer.
Bill: Oh boy!
Logan: Oh man…
Kim: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Bill: Kim stop it, you're embarrassing me in front of our killer…..
Kim: I won't do it! I refuse! I've already been stuck in a freezer once today; I demand you put me somewhere else.
Bob: Hmm….okay we'll put you in the play place thing, in the ball pit.
Kim: That big thing with the hundreds of balls in it?
Bob: Yes.
Kim: Oh well, that doesn't sound so bad….I'll take that.
Kim starts to walk towards the inside playground when a mother comes walking out with her 19 children.
Mother: Hey! All of you are missing your pants! What happened?
Little Billy: We all had 'an accident' so we just left our pants in the ball pit.
Mother: Oh that's okay. It's not like some federal agent's dim witted daughter is going to be thrown in there or anything!
Kim: AHH!
She runs back to Worker Bob.
Kim: I'll go in the freezer…..
Meanwhile, Jack and Doyle are driving.
Doyle: Well, I'm glad that were getting close to putting this whole thing under wraps. That and you managed to escape with your life.
Jack: Man, I'm hungry. I can go for food.
Doyle: Yeah, me too.
Jack: Let's stop here.
Jack pulls into a McDonald's parking lot. They get out and walk to the entrance.
Jack: The door's locked.
Doyle: Wait…..I'm getting a bad feeling about this.
Jack: What? Don't be ridiculous.
Doyle: No…I mean I'm getting a really bad case of Déjà vu going on here.
Jack: It's all in your head.
Doyle: No I've been through this before.
Jack: All in your head.
Doyle: It was at the convenience store earlier today, like around 2:00.
Jack: In your head.
Doyle: I think we're in danger.
Jack: You're nuts, okay?
The doors fling open, two workers grab Jack and Doyle and throw them in. –SLAM!-
Jack: ACK!
Doyle: Oh crap! I knew this was going to happen.
One of the workers pulls a gun on Jack.
Worker Bob: What are you doing here?
Jack: I just wanted one of those 2 all beef patties, special bun sauce lettuce mayonnaise….or something….how does that go?
Doyle: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun?
Jack: That's not it.
Doyle: Yes it is!
Jack: Is not!
Doyle: Dude! Don't tell me I'm wrong when you don't even know!
Jack: I know.
Doyle: Then what is it?
Jack: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
Doyle: You freakin cheater! I just told you that!
Jack: Did not!
Worker Bob: Children! Do you mind?
Jack: Is he talking to us?
Doyle: Uh, yea.
Jack: Do you mind, we're in the middle of something.
Bob points his gun at Jack.
Jack: It can wait….
Bob: You two! In the freezer!
Jack: Oh boy!
Doyle: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Jack: Man, what the hell's your problem!
Doyle: I know this happened to me earlier today! Tony and I stopped off at the convenience store….
-FLASHBACK-
Tony: I…
-INTERRUPT-
Jack: Can we please get the short version?
Doyle: Tony and I went to a gas station, got trapped with your daughter and the talking cougar.
Jack: WHAT!? A talking cougar?
Bob: Freezer!
Jack: Oh right…..
The two workers escort Jack and Doyle to the freezer.
Kim: Dad!
Jack: Kim!
Doyle: Kim!
Kim: Doyle!
Bill: Jack!
Jack: Bill!
Bill: Doyle!
Doyle: Bill!
Logan: -ahem-
Everyone: ….Charles….
Doyle sits down next to Kim.
Doyle: I see you're here for the second time as well.
Kim: It was this or a crap filled ball pit.
Doyle: I see.
Jack: Let us out! Or I'm going to tell your mothers!
Logan: Forget it, Jack….
Jack: Oh, right, I needed to talk to you.
Jack walks over and sits next to Logan.
Jack: I had to kill Agatha.
Logan: What!? How did you do that?
Jack: With my mad skills!
Doyle rolls his eyes.
Logan: You cheated and reflected whatever she flung at you, didn't you!
Jack (whining): But she was too hard, dammit! It's not fair!
Logan: Well, I guess it's over now…….I wonder if our superior knows….he probably does…..
Jack: Oh, I also was told it was ex-president Rolando Callahan.
Bill: WHAT?! Kim, hand me my drink.
Kim hands Bill his drink; he takes a quick sip before spitting it out in shock. –SPEW!-
Kim: Ugh….
Logan: ….Rolando Callahan was our boss?...huh….
Jack: That's all you got to say is 'Huh'?
Bill: You know I thought he was dead….
Jack: He faked it….that faker!
Logan: Strange, we were at the house of wax and the statues there represented everyone who perished today. I guess that first one we saw was actually Chuck Norris….
Kim: I TOLD YOU! God, nobody listens to me….
Bill: Uh….wait a minute…
Logan: Oh, I know what you're going to say. Chuck Norris isn't in the show, ha ha. I completely forgot that Ima is obsessed with Chuck Norris, she talked about him all the time.
Bill: I LOVE CHUCK NORRIS!
Jack: That's a lame ass excuse! You could at least make it more believable. Writers!
Sam: Okay, we'll fix it!
Paul: A little reworking here…….and…….go!
There's a knock at the door. –KNOCK! KNOCK!-
Kim opens it.
Chuck Norris: Hi kids! I'm Chuck Norris! Oh look, a French fry.
Chuck Norris eats the French fry and chokes on it, he falls to the ground. –WHAP!-
Bill: NOOOO!!!! NOT CHUCK NORRIS!!!!
Doyle: That was the stupidest thing I think I have ever seen in my life….
Logan: There, happy!?
Jack: Yes I am, Charles…..Yes I am……
Logan: Well back to the subject at hand…..I didn't know Rolando Callahan faked his death….hell, or that we've been working for him…..but I'm not surprised that Agatha new his real identity. She was his favorite…….there were times I was reporting in for duty and occasionally I accidentally caught them…..together.
Bill: Ugh...Puke!
Logan: I just never caught the face….and I didn't ask questions, I just did what I was told and hopefully that would've been my ticket to freedom. But to think somebody would try to claim the office of the President of the United States just to use that power to help the terrorists is just an awful, awful….
Everybody glares at Logan.
Logan: Okay, I'll shut up.
Jack: Do you know anything about the 'Witches'?
Doyle: We really need to get that word banned….
Kim and Bill nod.
Logan: I knew about the whole story and about Agatha. As far as the sister's go, the only one who I knew who turned into one was Ima….who's now dead.
Bill: So is Milo….
Kim: Yes, it was a tragedy indeed.
Bill: You killed him!
Kim: WHAT?! No I didn't'!
Bill: You threw him and knocked Ima off the second floor and they both fell into the wax and…..waxed to death…or whatever!
Kim: You turned him into a pumpkin!
Bill: You suggested going into the House Of Wax.
Kim: …..well…….you're responsible for McDonald's blowing up!
Bill: LIAR!
Kim: You want to box!?
Bill: Bring it, sister!
Jack: Did you catch any of that?
Doyle: I try not to pay attention to what people say anymore.
Logan: So what's your plan now?
Logan: I know that Audrey turned into a witch as well. But she ran off, but I killed Agatha who was 'The Leader'.
Logan: Then she should be fine…..I wonder what happened to Mandy though.
Jack: ….
Kim: …..
Logan: …..This would be the part where you cut to her scene.
Meanwhile, Mandy was…..
Unconscious….
Meanwhile, At McDonald's…
Logan: Hmm…..back so soon huh? Well, that can't be good.
Jack: We'll be right back after these messages!
8:17:32, Jack sits in the freezer / Chloe and the others are out of breath and crawling up stairs / Noah and Tom are eating airline food / Morris and Michelle are driving down a road.
Chloe: GASP!...PANT!...WHEEZE!
Tony: I can't…..go on!
Chloe: Tony! Get a hold of yourself man!
Tony hugs himself.
Chloe: Not like that….whatever, listen we have to keep moving….
Baxter: Yuppers!
Nadia: I don't hear anybody coming up.
Karen: I have a Charley Horse!
Baxter: Hopefully we can reach the main floor of this….basement thing….and finally be free…
Voice: There they are! Downstairs!
Nadia: That's why I didn't hear anybody below….
Chloe: Retreat!
Baxter: Crap!
They turn around and rush down the flights of stairs, reaching the bottom. Karen opens the door and steps into the hallway.
Karen: Uh….
Jigsaw: Hello, kiddies!
Karen: Bozo at 12:00.
Nadia: Oh crackers!
Nadia and Karen slam the door shut.
Chloe: What are you doing?
Nadia: Jigsaw's out there!
Chloe: Who?
Nadia: The doofus who made us play those stupid games!
Chloe: Oh man, he's just as bad….
Baxter: Worse than the people with guns?!
Tony: I'm with Baxter on this one.
Chloe: Back up the stairs.
They charge up the stairs about 2 floors.
Chloe: Here!
Tony: You don't know where this leads!
Chloe: Who cares? Just……we have to try it.
Chloe opens the door which leads to an enormous elegant ballroom. People in formal attire are spread out; dancing, drinking, and sitting around conversing.
Chloe: Hello…..what's this?
Tony: Aw sweet! It's a party!
Baxter: And there are people so we can blend in and hide, let's go here.
Everyone calmly walks into the dancing hall and remained close.
Nadia: So what are we going to do here?
Chloe: I don't know yet, just act casual.
Baxter: That's kind of the problem.
Chloe: What are you talking about?
Baxter: We're casual. This is a formal party.
Chloe: Oh….so we need to look nice.
Baxter: Yes……so you know what that means?
Tony: We have to kill 5 of these people and take their clothes?
Baxter: I like the way you think….but just knocking them unconscious would suffice. But we would take their clothes anyway.
Tony: Yes!
Baxter: Okay, everyone split up and find someone to mug. Take them to a private area, bonk them on the head, and disguise yourself. We don't have much time since I'm sure the guards will figure out where we went. Okay…..move!
Chloe, Tony, Baxter, Nadia, and Karen split up. Mingling through the crowds of people. Chloe notices a woman standing in the corner wearing a long black dress.
Chloe: Hmm….okay.
Chloe walks up to the woman.
Chloe: Hi…..would you like to take a survey?
Woman: Sure.
Chloe: Follow me.
As she walks by, Baxter notices another Cougar at the bar wearing a snazzy tuxedo. Baxter nods and approaches the bar.
Baxter: Yo.
Cougar: What's up?
Baxter: Nothin, just chillin.
Cougar: Cool.
Baxter: You know I've never been here before; can you give me a tour? I'll by you a drink.
Cougar: Sure.
They head off as Nadia approaches her target, a woman in an elegant white gown. And Karen sits down on a couch.
Karen: Hmm….
She notices a dress on a hanger lying next to her.
Karen: Well, that was easy.
Tony is standing near the exit to the balcony when a woman approaches him.
Woman: Hey….I've never seen you here before….would you like to dance?
Tony: …uh…..how about outside?
Woman: Of course.
Tony (grins): Perfect.
They head out onto the balcony.
8:25:12, Michelle and Morris drive by. –ZOOM!-
Michelle: Okay…..turn left up here.
Morris: I don't know….
Michelle: What are you talking about? I have the map.
Morris: Are you sure it's not upside down?
Michelle: I'm not stupid!
Morris: Okaaay.
Michelle: Hmph!
Morris drives past the exit.
Michelle: Morris!
Morris: Yes, dahling?
Michelle: I missed it!
Morris: Well, are you absolutely sure it leads to the mall? I mean that road looks like it leads nowhere.
Michelle: Ugh, just go back and take the road before we get lost.
Morris: Oh all right.
Morris stops the car and does a 180 in the middle of the road. He heads back to the turn off point and goes down the road.
Michelle: Okay good, all we have to do is travel a couple of miles west then we'll reach a stoplight, we'll turn right and then we should be at the mall.
Morris: Uh…
Michelle looks up from the map.
Michelle: What's wrong?
Morris: Sheep.
Michelle: What?
Morris points as Michelle looks out on the mass herd of sheep in front of them, blocking the road.
Michelle: ACK! Sheep!
Morris: I told you.
Michelle: Well, you go ahead and get rid of them.
Morris: Okay, how do you suppose I do that?
Michelle: I don't know…..
Michelle digs around the backseat. –DIG! DIG! SHUFFLE!-
Michelle: Here….
Michelle hands Morris a stick.
Morris: Uh…
Michelle: Shoo them away…
Morris: ….uh……ok.
Morris gets out of the car and walks up to one of the sheep.
Sheep: Baa!
Morris pokes the sheep. –POKE!-
Sheep: BAA!
Morris (turning back to Michelle): Dahling, I don't think he likes it.
Michelle: Morris, we're running out of time!
Morris: Uh….
-POKE! POKE!-
Sheep: ANGRY BAAAA!
Michelle: Poke harder!
-POKE! POKE!-
Sheep: PISSED OFF BAAAA!
The sheep pounces on Morris.
Morris: AAHHH!!!!! SHEEEP!
Michelle: Oh I guess I could honk the horn.
-HONK! HONK!-
The sheep turn their attention toward Michelle.
Michelle: That wasn't a good idea.
Morris breaks free and hurls back to the car.
Morris: That's the last time I listen to you!
Michelle: Sorry, I thought whenever you run across sheep; you poke them with a stick.
Morris: And where did you learn this information?!
Michelle: Uh……Jack Bauer's Big Book Of Sheep Survival….
Morris: Figures…..
Michelle: Hey, it was on Oprah's Book Club, I thought I'd give it a read…..
Morris: I think I'm going to be sick……
8:28:13, Jack is pounding on the door of the McDonalds freezer.
-WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!-
Jack: Let us out, dammit! You're making me miss 'Who's The Boss'!
Worker Bob: It doesn't come on until 10.
Jack: Oh whew, I was worried there for a second.
Bill: Hey…..what's that?
Jack looks over to a corner of the room and sees a vent.
Jack: A vent! Our best friend! It'll get us out of trouble.
Kim: Uh….dad?
Jack opens the vent, a barrage of ice cubes come pouring out. –CRASH!-
Jack: Well, that sucks……
Kim: Dad, that's the Ice Machine….
Jack: Oh bugger….
Logan: Can't you get it to stop?
Jack: Uh…..
Jack starts scooping up ice in his hands and throwing it back into the vent, which of course was pointless….. –SCOOP!-
Jack: It's not working.
Everyone: Duh…
Jack: This very well could be the end of our adventures….
Chuck Norris stands up.
Chuck Norris: Don't worry kids, I'll save you!
An ice cube flies from the vent and smacks Chuck Norris in the head; he falls to the ground again.
Logan: Was that really necessary?
Bill: NOOO! Not Chuck Norris!
Jack: Is Chuck Norris dead this time? Will Jack and his friends escape cold, icy, death? Will Kim ever dump that deadbeat boyfriend of hers?
Kim: WHAT!?
Jack: Find out next week in an all new '24'…..beep…..beep…..beep……..beep……
Logan: Jack, the show's not over yet….
Jack: Dammit!
8:30:12, at mysterious prison holding thing.
Audrey: Audrey is trying to escape; she is tied to a chair.
She looks around the room.
Audrey: There has to be something around here.
Audrey notices a table with a big knife on it.
Audrey: Excellent!
Audrey scoots herself across the floor to the table. –SHIMMY! SHIMMY!-
Audrey: Almost…..there…..
Audrey bumps into the table and the knife falls to the floor, through a vent to the floor below. –SHOINK!-
Man: OW! MY EYE!
Audrey: Sorry…..damn!
Audrey looks around the room again. She sees another table.
Audrey: Yay! A pocket knife! Can get the job done and I can hide it….
Audrey scoots to the other table. –SHIMMY! SHIMMY!-
As she approaches the table one of the legs break, the pocket knife slides off the table, and through another vent in the floor. –SHOINK!-
Man: OW! MY OTHER EYE!
Audrey: DAMMIT!!!! Stop standing under the stupid vent!
Man: I'm going to go up there and teach you a lesson! I'll announce my plans out loud so you can expect my arrival. I also hope you don't take advantage of the fact that I'm the janitor and have keys to every room in the building.
Audrey: Hmm, that's convenient. But works for me! Let's continue to see what happens to the main heroine of the story.
MEANWHILE, CHLOE O'BRIAN WAS….
Audrey: HEY! I'm talking about me!
Oh……Audrey is sitting in a chair, waiting for the janitor to come up.
Audrey: That's more like it.
MEANWHILE, CHLOE O'BRIAN WAS….
Audrey: Ugh….
…dancing the night away at the cocktail party.
Chloe: No, I'm not….
The guards are scattered throughout the dance hall. The gang gets back together. Chloe is in a black dress, Baxter is in a tux, Nadia is sporting a white dress, Karen is wearing a dark green dress, and….Tony is wearing….a red dress.
Baxter: Ok, guys, the guards have broken in, now we need to slip away and get the what the hell are you doing Tony!?
Chloe: Oh…my….god….
Tony: What!?
Karen: Hey, where did you get that?
Chloe: Tony! Why the hell are you wearing that?
Tony: What?
Chloe: That dress…..?
Tony: It's comfortable and stylish, and gives me the support I need!
Chloe: That's not what I'm talking about! –SMACK!-
Tony: OW…..
Baxter: Tony, you look awful in that dress, you're going to stick out like a sore thumb.
Tony: Uh…..
One of the guards approaches the group.
Karen: Howdy!
Guard: Good evening, ladies…..and gentlemen….
Baxter nods.
Guard: We're looking for these fugitives.
The guard holds up a picture of the group doing the three legged race.
Karen: Oh man! He got my bad side!
Nadia clamps her hand over Karen's mouth.
Karen: mmmfher…..mmphereher…..
Guard????
The guard turns to Tony.
Chloe and Baxter inhale in a state of panic, trying to keep their cool.
Guard: Hey there pretty lady…..
Tony: Oh, hi! Tee hee!
Chloe and Baxter roll their eyes.
Guard: Have you seen these people? If you can help me, I'll buy you a drink….
Tony: Well…..
Chloe and Baxter: Sorry she's with us, we're running late for something……bye!
They grab Tony and walk off.
Chloe: It's settled, we cannot leave you alone….
Tony: Aww!
Chloe: And get out of that dress.
Tony starts to strip.
Chloe: ACK! No! Go mug someone else.
Tony: Okay……
Tony walks off.
Chloe: I don't know what I'm going to do with him.
Baxter: Meh….what are you going to do?
Tony comes back in a wedding gown.
Chloe: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?
Tony: It was all that was available….
Chloe: Huh!?
Tony: Everyone wearing tuxedos told me 'no'.
Baxter: Tony……buddy…..pal…..when you are going to 'borrow' someone's clothes like that……you are not supposed to ask first.
Tony: Oh riiight…..
Baxter: Now go and try it again…..
8:37:12, Tony walks through the crowd in his giant wedding dress / Jack and the others are freezing to death / Chloe and Baxter are hanging out by the bar / Sherry is scrubbing a toilet.
Sherry: I really need to hire people to do this.
Morris and Michelle continue to drive down the road, the car breaks down. –CRASH!-
Michelle: Oh nuts!
Morris: Oh this can't be good, how are we going to rescue the others.
Michelle: Can't you fix it?
Morris: I can try.
Morris gets out of the car and taps on the hood with a woman's shoe. –TINK! TINK!-
Michelle: You're kidding me, right?
Morris: What?
Michelle: Screw it, let's just walk.
Morris: What are we going to do about rescuing Chloe and those other people?
Michelle: We can help them!
Morris: Do we have any firepower?
Michelle: Uh…..no.
Morris: I have this sheep poking stick.
Michelle: I have my good looks.
Morris: We're screwed…
Michelle: HEY!
Morris: OH! No, ha, ha! I didn't mean it like that! I meant……oh forget it, I screwed up.
Michelle: Well, have you tried starting it again?
Morris: I have not. Let me try it….
Morris starts to get in the car, he stops…
Michelle: What's wrong?
Morris: ……do you hear that?
Michelle: What?
Morris: ……it…..sounds like……
Morris and Michelle look past down the road behind them.
Michelle: …….
A rumbling sound is getting louder.
Michelle and Morris look at each other.
Michelle: You don't think….
Morris: Yes……
In the horizon, they can see a massive amount of animals. Sheep, elephants, and giraffes heading their direction. –RUMBLE! RUMBLE!-
Michelle: Stampede!
Morris: Is that what that's called?
Michelle: Yes.
Morris: Because I couldn't think of the word before, my mind went completely blank!
Michelle: I hate it when that happens!
Morris: I know!
Michelle: Oh crap, we don't have time for this. What should we do?
Morris: We can't get back in the car. We'll be killed!
Michelle: You think so?
Morris: Uh, yeah….
Michelle: Okay, so we run?
Morris: Yeah….
Michelle: Okay…..let's go this way.
They dive off the road out of the way of the oncoming stampede. Their car gets stomped to bits. –CRASH!-
Michelle: Oh man……
Meanwhile…..
Milo walks onto a training ground…..he's getting ready for training.
Milo drops his backpack. George Mason approaches him, wearing a robe….and sporting a ridiculously long white beard.
Mason: Hello, grasshopper.
Milo: What is this?
Mason: You must go through strenuous training to become a grim reaper.
Milo: But I don't want to be a grim reaper.
Mason: You don't have a choice; now try to chop me up with this sword.
He hands Milo a katana.
Milo: Uh….okay.
He swings at George, missing.
Mason: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (He strokes his ridiculously long beard)
Milo: What is with the beard?
Mason: Now hold out your sword.
Milo complies. Mason lifts his leg up.
Milo: What are you doing?
Mason: I'm going to jump and stand on your sword. Mocking your poor swordsmanship skills.
Milo: WHAT!?
Mason: Okay…..and…..now!
George tries to jump on the sword, missing horribly. –SHOINK!-
Mason: OW! My leg…..why did you cut me?
Milo: Why are you trying to jump on my sword?
Mason: It sounded cool, okay next. I'm going to show you how to fight.
Milo: Whatever.
Mason: Okay……dragon stance!
Mason goes into dragon stance fighting style.
Mason: Now you.
Milo: Uh……Shimmy Shimmy CoCo Puff!
Mason: What the hell is that?!
Milo: I don't know, what are we doing?
Mason: We are about to spar, you need to pick a fighting stance.
Milo: Oh…..uh……Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
Mason: That's not a stance! Well, Crouching Tiger is one I think….just use that.
Milo: Got it!
Milo squats.
Mason: That's just vulgar. Now…..pick up that rock and act like you're going to throw it at me. So I can take your arm and practically break it off.
Milo: I don't see how any of this is relevant.
Mason: Just do it, you!
Milo: Ugh…..
Mason: Okay, okay, enough fighting. Let's go eat some rice.
Mason and Milo walk into a house.
Mason: Those are your chopsticks, try to use them and toss them to the side, then when you try to eat with your hands, I'll punish you!
Milo: Uh…..
Milo picks up a piece of rice with his hands; Mason knocks his rice bowl off the table.
Mason: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (He stroked his ridiculously long beard)
Milo: That is really getting on my nerves!
Meanwhile, back at McDonald's.
Kim (banging her head on a shelf): This….-WHAP!-…..is…..-WHAP!-…….never…….-WHAP!-…….ending!...-WHAP!-…….
Bill: Kim, don't do that! You'll break the shelf…
Kim: Ohh, I feel kinda woozy.
Jack: I have an idea!
Logan: What?
Jack: ……yeah, I got nothing….
Logan: Ugh…..
Suddenly, a rumbling sound is heard. –RUMBLE! RUMBLE!-
Doyle: What is that?
Jack: Hmm……
Jack walks over to the freezer door to open it; Morris and Michelle run in, crashing into Jack. –WHAP!-
Jack: ACK! (Falls to the floor)
Bill: Michelle!
Michelle: Bill!
Kim: Morris!
Morris: Jack!
Kim: Bill!
Bill: Michelle!
Jack: Morris!
Morris: Man, not this again…
Logan: -ahem-
Everyone: Charles…..
Jack: What are you guys doing here? Are Chloe and Tony with you?
Michelle: Well, we were on our way to the mall then our car broke down then we got chased by a stampede and this was the only building we could hide in.
Jack: We'll we got captured and have been stuck in this freezer for a while now……
Morris: Uh….
Michelle: How? The door's been unlocked….
Jack: But we've been taken hostage by those guards.
Michelle: There's nobody out there.
Jack: WHAT!?
Jack looks out the freezer door to discover nobody there.
Jack: Hmm, I guess they all went home.
Logan: You have got to be kidding me!? We've been sitting in this freezer and we could've left a long time ago!? ARGH!
Jack: Okay, we better get back on track. The president will be in Los Angeles in less than 20 minutes, in fact right at the top of the hour.
Everyone: Of course…
Jack: Doyle, Bill, and I will proceed to the airport. Michelle, you and Morris take Kim and Logan with you to rescue Chloe and Tony, and then head back to CTU.
Michelle: We have a problem, there's only one vehicle.
Morris: No wait, I saw a bicycle outside.
Jack: How many seats?
Morris: 3.
Jack: Okay, we'll take the bike….
Bill: -groan-
Michelle: We'll take your car then; we'll meet you back at CTU.
Everyone walks out of the freezer, Chuck Norris gets back up.
Chuck Norris: Ow….my head….oh look, a french fry!
He pops the fry in his mouth, choking on it; he falls back to the ground. –WHAP!-
Jack, Doyle, and Bill get on the 3-seater bicycle.
Jack: Okay guys, we're going to need teamwork. Now…..PEDAL!
They guys roll forward about an inch before falling over. –CRASH!-
Jack: Ow….
8:42:11, Meanwhile, Audrey was….
Audrey: There, I managed to get myself free, you know they shouldn't put those vents there, someone could get hurt.
Well, enough about her….Chloe O'Brian on the other hand….
Audrey: HEY! I'm getting sick of you cutting to her, I have had no parts for like, the last….6 or 7 hours, I demand my screen time!
Fine……
Audrey: Anyway….I….
MEANWHILE, CHLOE O'BRIAN WAS…
Audrey: GRRRR!!!!
….sitting with the others at the bar, Tony finally comes back.
Chloe: There you are! Where the hell have you been?
Tony: Getting my costume…..duh….
Chloe: Well, let's find a way to get out of here.
Chloe walks over to the window. She looks around for a minute.
Chloe: Hey, a door! We can go out this way.
Guard: STOP!
Nadia: Uh oh!
Tony: COME ON!
Tony proceeds to jump out the window….he jumps…..-SMACK!-…..he falls back to the ground.
Baxter and Karen (wincing): Oooooh, ouch….
Tony: Oh, that stung…..man; that always works in the movies…..
Chloe: We run, now!
The group hauls toward the door. It leads to another stairwell.
Nadia: Is this the same one?
Chloe looks up.
Chloe: No I can see a door that leads outside from here, it just a few stories up.
They start to climb up the stairs, ascending about 2 levels; they reach the main door, bursting through it to the outside.
Chloe: We're free……
Tony: At last….
Nadia: I wonder how our cover got blown….
Tony: Uh….
-FLASHBACK-
Tony: Excuse me sir, I need to borrow your clothes….oh wait…….
Guard: …..
Tony: ……oh nevermind.
Guard: Too suspicious….
-FIN-
Baxter: We need to find a vehicle, fast.
Tony: Nothing can stop us now!
They are approached by Milo, dressed in a black cloak.
Chloe: Milo, hey.
Nadia: Milo, I'm glad you're safe, where's Kim and Logan?
Milo: They're somewhere.
Baxter: Why are you dressed like that?
Milo: I have some business to take care of.
Chloe stops for second, she suddenly has a flashback.
-FLASH-
Chloe wakes up…
Chloe: What? I'm alive?! I thought I was burnt at the stake.
A man in a black cloak approaches her.
Chloe: Are you serious? Are you supposed to be 'Death'?
Death: I'm actually…..(he takes off his hood)…..George Mason!!! Duhn! Duhn! Duuuuuhn!
Chloe: Oh crap! Not you…..
George: What?
Chloe: You're not going to reveal yourself as a post-op transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you?
….. transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you?
…. transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you?
…… transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you?
-Fade back to Chloe-
Chloe is stuck in thought.
… transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you?
…. transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you?
Milo: …transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you? Transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you?
Chloe: Why the hell are you repeating that?!
Milo: I don't know……it just came to me.
Chloe: Wait! –Gasp!- You're the grim reaper!
Milo: No I'm not…..
He puts away his scythe.
Chloe: Yes you are! I remember now! It felt like it was yesterday….
-FLASHBACK-
Meanwhile, at IHOP!
-CUT-
Tony: Oh, for the love of Jello, will you people stop using flashbacks!? GAH!
Baxter: Seriously.
Chloe: Remember at IHOP, you accused me of being a witch….
Tony: Oh god, not this witch crap again, I can't take it anymore!...AAAAAHHHH!!!!
Baxter: Tony, get a hold of yourself, man!
Baxter slaps him. –SMACK!-
Tony: Ow…..thanks.
Baxter: No prob…
Chloe: I was burned at the stake…..and I was taught how to be a grim reaper by…..George Mason!
Tony faints.
Milo: It's true……..
Chloe: I know it's true.
Milo: Well, what's your point?
Chloe: Wait….does that mean…..?
Milo: Yes….I perished…..
Nadia: We know!
Milo: I was turned into a pumpkin and squashed when Ima Mole was killed.
Chloe: Who, wha…what…..what?!! Forget it, why are you here?
Milo: I'm sorry…..Nadia.
Chloe: You're going to kill Nadia?!
Nadia: Figures, I finally get out of trouble and now I'm dead.
Tony: That's the CTU motto; it's on the back of your ID.
Nadia (looking): Well I'll be damned…..
Chloe: You can't kill her! Take someone else –coughTONYcough-
Tony: I heard that!
Milo: Well….if you insist.
Tony: Wait, I'm too pretty to die!
Baxter stifles his laughter.
Tony: Shut up.
The guard runs out of the building.
Guard: Hands up! All of you!
Chloe: Ooh! Him, get him.
Milo: Well….okay.
Milo walks over and kills the guard. George Mason appears. –WOOSH-
Tony: It's DON KNOTTS!
Chloe slaps him in the back of the head.
Tony: Ow…
Mason: Milo….I'm going to have to fire you.
Milo: Aw…
Mason: You're just not cut out to be Grim Reaping material.
Milo: Ok.
George looks at Chloe.
Mason: Chloe.
Chloe: …..George.
Tony: And Tony!
Mason: You may go back to the living….as a dead person….who's still alive….or whatever you are…….goodbye for now! –SHOOSH-
Chloe: Yes…….until next time…..
Milo: Transsexual version of Audrey Raines again, are you? Transsexual version of Audr…
Chloe decks him. –PUNCH!-
Milo: Ow, my liver…..urrrk……
Karen: Hey, there's people in that car! We can steal it!
Karen runs up to the vehicle. She opens the door.
Karen: Federal Agent! We need your car, scum!
She pulls out Morris who falls to the ground.
Morris: Ow….
Karen: Oh, oops….
Michelle gets out of the car as well.
Chloe: Morris!
Michelle: Tony!
In the car……
Logan: ……(Looks at Kim).
Kim: -sigh-…..Charles.
Logan: Thank you.
Michelle: Are you guys ok?
Tony: Yea. You know, guys, I can't believe it's already over….
Nadia: What are you talking about?
Tony: The time we've spent together. When we first ran into each other….it felt like it was yesterday….
-FLASHBACK….oh wait….nevermind-
Michelle: Talk about it later, we need to get back to CTU.
Meanwhile, Jack, Doyle, and Bill ride up to the airport. They ditch the bike and haul toward the control tower.
Bill: Oh, my legs! They're so sore….
Jack: We don't have much time! We have to warn the President that Callahan is setting him up!
Doyle: Couldn't have you just called him!?
Jack: Uh……yes Doyle, the control tower is up ahead!
Doyle: I didn't ask that!
They run into the tower and make their way to the main control room as the screen splits at 8:58:01. Jack, Doyle, and Bill are climbing the staircase as cast as they can / Michelle, Morris, Logan, Kim, Chloe, Baxter, Tony, Nadia, Milo, AND Karen are all cramped in the Jack's clown car / Sherry is vacuuming the 2nd floor glass office / Audrey is in a office, trying the phones to get a hold of someone / Tom is watching 'Happy Feet' as Noah attempts to stab himself with a spork / Harry Love and his associates go over some plans / Rolando Callahan sits in a chair, thinking…..
Karen (singing): Well, 95,345,211 bottles of beer on the wall, 95,345,211 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around 95,345,210 bottles of beer on the wall!...
Chloe glares at Karen.
Karen: ……what?
Back at CTU.
Sherry turns off the vacuum.
-TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK!-
Sherry: There! All clean…..what's that ticking noise?
Sherry walks around trying to find the where the mysterious ticking noise is coming from.
Sherry: Hmm…..
At the weird office complex.
Audrey frantically dials a number on the fax machine.
Audrey: Come on…..come on…..there! CTU should be able to find me.
A bag gets thrown over Audrey's head.
Audrey: ACK!...oh no, burlap?! I hate burlap sacks!
Back at the Control Tower,
Jack and the others burst into the control room.
Jack: I'm Jack Bauer, federal agent!
Control Guy: So? You want a cookie?
Jack: Yes, please.
The guy hands Jack a cookie, Jack chows down.
Jack: Good cookie!
Bill: I want a cookie…..
Doyle: Gentlemen, we have to get a hold of the president, his life is in danger! He cannot land!
Guy: What?!
Jack: Nadia's right.
Doyle: Huh!?
Jack: Get a hold of Air Force One and tell them not to land, now!
The operator tries to contact the pilot.
Guy: What is the meaning of this?
Jack: The president's life is in danger, if he lands……something bad will happen to him, I know it!
Operator: Okay….they've received the message, they're bypassing the airport.
Jack: Good……I'm glad that's taking care of.
Air Force One flies over the control tower, then explodes. –KABOOOOOOOM!-
Jack: AAACK!
Doyle: Holy….
Bill: Oh look, a cookie!
A giant wave of red light from the explosion shines through the control tower windows, pieces of the plane hurl toward the ground in the horizon.
Jack: ……
Doyle: ……
Bill: …-munch!- -munch!-
Everybody in the control room glares angrily at Jack and company.
Jack: You know what?...I did not see that coming…….
Doyle slaps his forehead.
8:59:57
8:59:58
8:59:59
9:00:00
NEXT TIME….on an all new hour of 24……..
-SWOOSH-
Jack: Hello, Chloe O'Brian.
Chloe: Hi Jack.
Jack: Chloe is here to take The Pepsi Challenge.
Chloe: Yay.
Jack: Okay, Chloe. Try drink number 1.
Chloe takes a drink from the soda can marked 'A'.
Chloe: It tastes like crap.
Jack: Okay, try the next one. Soda 'B'.
Chloe takes a drink.
Chloe: That also tastes like crap.
Jack: Well, pick which one you like best out of the two.
Chloe: I guess 'A'.
Jack reveals the soda cans. 'Super Lemon Soda' and 'Dr. Swell's Root Beer'.
Chloe: ACK! Jack, I'm allergic to root beer!
Jack: Hmm, strange. Neither of those were Pepsi….how odd….oh well.
Chloe swells up into the shape of a watermelon……what?
Chloe: urk……
-AND-
Terrorist: You will wire me the 100 million. Or I'll…….spoil the ending for the final Harry Potter book!
Jack: AHHH! NOT THAT! Okay, it's been done!
Sherry: Jack!? What the hell are you doing?
Jack: You have your money. Oh wait, did he say 'Harry Potter', oh I don't read those…….can we have that money back?
Sherry grabs a stapler to beat Jack to death with.
-AND-
Karen: Welcome to 'Karen's Corner', teaching you the ins and outs about all of life's little problems.
Karen walks into the middle of a forest.
Karen: When dealing with Forest Fires, let's talk with my special guest, Smokey The Bear.
Smokey: Hello, Kids! Now remember, only you can prevent….
Karen: AHHHH! A bear! HELP!
Karen throws a torch at it. –FWOOSH-
Smokey: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?
Karen: Don't eat me! AAAHHHH!
She runs away screaming. The forest burns to a crisp. –SIZZLE!-
Karen: Whew! That was close…..well, join us next time.
ALL NEXT WEEK (SORT OF) ON A BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24…beep….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..