Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that garbage, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Tickle Me Elmos were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 16
10:00pm – 11:00pm 'Over The Budget'
AT SOME CEREMONY.
Announcer: And now, your hosts for tonight, 'The Writing Staff of the Fox hit show, 24!'
Sam and Paul walk out on stage.
Paul: Thank you. Thank you. You all are too kind!
The only audience is an old woman passed out in her potato salad.
Old Woman: ZZZZZ….
Sam: We wanted to thank you all for coming tonight for an advance screening of this week's episode of '24'.
Paul: Yes. Unfortunately, Fred couldn't make it because he had to fly to Seattle for a business trip. We'll be talking with him via satellite throughout the course of this evening. Sam, would you like to tell our viewers what makes this episode of '24' so special. Wait for Sam to start talking then interrupt him with a joke.
Sam: Uh….I don't think you were supposed to read that part of the teleprompter.
Paul: Oh….
Sam: Anyway, I….
Paul: So these two nuns walk into a bar……
Sam: …..
Paul: …that was the joke.
Sam: Anyway, this episode of '24' is special, because we decided to do something different because we kinda goofed and made everybody fall asleep in last week's episode. Realistically, they can't wake up anytime soon or it would just be stupid. So instead we took it upon ourselves to go way over the budget and use this episode to focus on what the characters are dreaming about. It gives us a chance to 'break the rules' a little and just give everybody a break from the main storyline, whatever that is.
Old Woman Potato Salad: Didn't you all just get through having witches? –SPLAT!-
Paul: Uh….now live from Seattle, here's Fred!
Fred appears on screen via satellite.
Paul: Hi Fred! How's the weather up there?
Fred: What the hell did you do with this week's episode!?
Paul: Uh……..
Fred: I can't believe this! I leave for a few days and you turn the show into 'Magic Happy Variety Hour'! We'll be the laughing stock of everybody!
Paul: Uh…….what's that, Fred? You're breaking up really badly…..gotta go!
Fred: I'm goin…..g…..t…o……ki…..ll……y…..ou……b….o….th……….aaa……aa….aa…rrr….gg….hhh…..!
Paul: Uh….Fred, everybody!
Sam: And now here you go, this week's brand new hour of 24!
Beep…..beep……beep……beep…..bepbepbepbepbepbepbpebpebpe….24!!!!
Jack: Previously on 24….
-SWOOSH-
Jack: Tell Air Force One not to land! The president's life is in danger!
Air Traffic Controller: Fine!
Air Force One Explodes.
Jack: Oh snap!…..(JACK BAUER)
-SWOOSH-
Sherry is cleaning her office when she hears a ticking noise.
Sherry: What be that?
Sherry: Chloe, tell everyone not to come back for a while, I believe there's a bomb.
Chloe: Super. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
-SWOOSH!-
Tom: Mr. President! You're alive!
Noah: Yes, we have to survive out here.
Tom: Good thing I brought along this travel DVD player so we can still watch Happy Feet.
Noah: Urge to kill…..rising…. (PRESIDENT NOAH DANIELS)
-SWOOSH-
Rolando: You will tell me where Jack Bauer is, now!
Audrey: Not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin! (AUDREY RAINES)
Rolando: Oh real mature…. (PRESUMABLY DEAD FORMER PRESIDENT AND CHAMPION LACROSSE PLAYER ROLANDO CALLAHAN)
Audrey: I know you are, but what am I…..
Rolando: I'm leaving…
-SWOOSH-
Chloe runs across a giant Monopoly board. Being chased by a car, a dog, an iron, a hat, a man riding a horse, and of course a thimble.
Dog: After her! Don't let her get away!
Chloe (screaming): I'M NOT PAYING LUXURY TAX, DAMMIT!
Chloe wakes up in her bed in a cold sweat.
Chloe: Whew! What an awful dream…..stupid writers…..
-SWOOSH-
Everyone starts passing out one by one.
Morris: Oh look, a fax from Aud……ugh….-WHOMP!-
Bill: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 11:00pm
The dirty diaper van drives by; Jack, Michelle, and Tony are passed out after inhaling too many toxic fumes.
Jack kinda rolls over to the side, he smiles in his sleep. Twitching a little bit…..The camera does a weird wavy effect….
-JACK'S DREAM-
The scene switches to the medieval city of Kieferlot.King Jack Bauer sits at his throne.
Jack: Heh, heh, heh. It's good to be king! Somebody bring me grapes! Where is my royal servant?!
Tom Lennox walks up to King Bauer.
Jack: Royal servant! I want some grapes.
Tom rolls his eyes.
Tom: Sir, you had all fruit banned from the city. In fact, you had anything remotely healthy banned from Kieferlot.
Jack: Yes, I see. Well, go steal some from next door.
Tom: Next door?
Jack: Well, in the next city.
Tom: My liege, we go through this every day. You want something we don't have, and then you send me to the adjacent village. They just get pissed and declare war.
Jack: Do it! For I am King!
Tom walks off grumbling.
Jack: Where is my queen, Jessica Alba?
Tom (walking out the door): You're married to Audrey Raines….
Jack: Oh fudge…..well, I guess she'll do……where is she anyway….?
Meanwhile, Queen Audrey Raines was talking to Princess Kimberly Bauer about her upcoming 16th birthday…..uh, she's not 15….
Audrey: Yes she is, just deal with it. Now Kim, what do you want for your birthday….?
Kim: …..an Ipod.
Audrey: Those don't exist yet.
Kim: I don't know….
Audrey: How about a prince?!
Kim: What? I don't want a prince…
Audrey: Yes you do….
Kim: Mother, why have you been trying so hard lately to hook me up with some prince?
Audrey: Well…..I guess I could tell you the truth…..
Kim: What is it?
Audrey: Kim…..you're cursed.
Kim: Well duh….
Audrey: Well, this is……you see when you were born…..this evil sorceress named Nina Myers bestowed a horrible curse on you. Not set to activate until your 16th birthday.
Kim: Fine time to tell me now. My birthday's tomorrow.
Audrey: I just forgot. Anyway, you must marry a prince by midnight tonight, or you'll turn into a toad!
Kim: I just can't get a break.
Audrey: Then it's settled. You're getting a prince! I'll pick one up from the store today on my way home.
Kim: I have a feeling this isn't going to get any better.
Back in the throne room.
Chloe (in a jester outfit): Of all the things to make me, you make me the jester! God, I hate you so much….
Jack: Try to stay in character. Now…..entertain me.
Chloe: How?
Jack: I don't know. You went to Jester School.
Chloe: No I didn't.
Jack: Ugh! Well, do something. Or I'll have you killed.
Chloe: Please! Do that!
Jack: Just do something, dammit! I'm running out of time!
Chloe: Whatever.
Jack: Here, juggle these sausages.
Jack throws Chloe a few giant sausage links. –FLOP!-
Chloe: You're kidding, right?
Across the meadow, in the Kingdom Of Aylesworth. King Tony Almeida and Queen Michelle Dessler reign supreme.
Tony: And don't you forget it!
Nadia, Tony's servant, approaches him.
Nadia: My King, I believe there is an intruder from Kieferlot trying to steal our grapes.
Tony: WHAT!? God, that stupid King Bauer tries to steal form us every day. There's like, 9 other cities around here. Why can't he steal from them?!
Nadia: What would you like for me to do sir?
Tony: Kill that man stealing our grapes. Then send our messenger to Kieferlot to declare war! I'm going to end this….
Michelle: You say that every time….
Tony: Well, I mean it this time.
Michelle: Whatever.
Nadia walks into the Grape Fields to Tom.
Nadia: Hi.
Tom: Hello.
Nadia: I'm supposed to kill you since you're stealing our grapes.
Tom: Oh…..can't I join you guys instead?
Nadia: Hmm….I sure the King won't mind. Come inside.
Tom: Yippie!
Back in Kieferlot, Chloe is looking over a parchment.
Chloe: King Bauer, I just received word that Servant Tom has joined with King Almeida's staff.
Jack: How rude!...Aren't you supposed to be juggling sausages?
Chloe groans and walks back to her post.
Jack: How dare Almeida steal my servant! I won't stand for this! MESSENGER!
Bill runs up to Jack.
Bill: Yes, your highness?
Jack: Send a message to the King of Aylesworth. I am going to declare war on their city.
Bill: Oh brother…..okay.
Bill runs off.
Jack: Someone bring me food!
Charles Logan, the castle chef. Brings out a TV dinner.
Logan: Here you go, bon voyage! –PLOP!-
Jack: What the hell is this!?
Logan: It's your dinner…..
Jack: Aw man, peas!? I hate peas!
Logan: If you don't eat your peas, you're not getting any desert.
Jack: What's for desert?
Logan: …..more peas!
Jack: UGH!
Afternoon, King Jack tries to shove peas in his mouth, just spitting them out again. / A sausage hits Chloe in the face / Bill is running through the grassy fields / King Tony looks out a window.
Bill ends up at a bridge that crosses over to Aylesworth. He meets Karen, the messenger for their city.
Bill: Hello wife!
Karen: Afternoon, husband!
Bill: Can you give a message to your king?
Karen: I guess so.
Bill: The city of Kieferlot is going to declare war on your city.
Karen: Hey, our city is going to declare war on your city too!
Bill: Really!?
Karen: Yeah!
They both laugh.
Bill: Man, small world, huh?
Karen: Tell me about it, sister.
Bill: Well, okay I'll give the news to our king.
They both run off.
Meanwhile, in some tower.
Kim: Oh, I really need a prince to marry. I don't want to become a toad. I just got rid of my last wart.
A voice: My Princess! I've come to marry you!
Kim: Yay!
Kim runs to the balcony of the tower, looking to find Mike Doyle standing at the base of the tower.
Kim: You're my prince!?
Doyle: Yes!
Kim: Ew! You're like, old enough to be my dad!
Doyle: No I'm not! I'm just made to look that way!
Kim: Whatever, NEXT!
Doyle: This isn't a game show. Either we get married or you'll turn into a toad, and I'll turn into a urinal cake.
Kim: A WHAT!?
Doyle: You know, those little smelly blocks in urinals. You've used them…
Kim: Uh….I don't use urinals.
Doyle: What? That's nuts! Why not!
Kim: Because….oh forget it. Are you coming to rescue me or not?
Doyle: I must come up there to you!
Kim: I don't know…..
Doyle: Throw down your hair!
Kim: My what?
Doyle: You're hair! I'll climb up it!
Kim: Have you lost your mind!?
Doyle: Okay, toady….
Kim: -Sigh- Okay, okay.
Kim grabs her ridiculously long hair and throws it down to Doyle. Doyle jumps and starts to climb.
Kim: OW! You're ripping out my scalp!
Doyle: Almost there…….-RIP!-
Kim: AAAHHHH!
Doyle: Hold on…..almost…..
Kim: Doyle, you haven't moved an inch.
Doyle: Okay, so I suck at climbing things….-RIP!-
Kim: Oh it hurts!
Doyle: Hey, a ladder!
Kim: Now you notice a ladder! I'm going to kill you….
Doyle sets up the ladder and climbs up to the balcony and into her room.
Doyle: I'm here to marry you!
Kim: You know you didn't have to come up here; I could've just climbed down the ladder.
Doyle: Good point, let's go.
They walk back onto the balcony; a bird flies into the ladder, knocking it down. –SPLAT!...CRASH!-
Doyle: Crap…
Kim: Wonderful, now were both stuck up here.
Doyle: We can use your hair.
Kim: It didn't work last time…
Doyle: For climbing…..we'll be going down this time so it'll be easier.
Kim: If you say so. What do we have to do….
Doyle: Okay, you drop your hair over to the side; I'll slide down it and run away….
Kim: …..
Doyle: ….
Kim :…..AND!?
Doyle: ….that's…..it?
Kim: What about me!?
Doyle: Oh….well, you can slide down it too!
Kim: THE HAIR IS ATTACHED TO MY HEAD! How the hell can I slide down it?
Doyle: Uh……..oh! I got it. I'll go down first, and then I'll set the ladder back up!
Kim: Now you're thinking. Okay, let's do this.
Kim: Okay, ready?
Doyle: Ready!
Kim: Okay grab on….and jump!
Doyle jumps off the balcony. Kim doesn't feel anything….
Kim: Hmm……I know my hair isn't that long….
Kim notices a rope on the ground.
Kim: Oh, I do have a rope up here, how stupid of me……uh oh…..DOYLE!
Kim runs to the balcony….-SPLAT!-
Kim: Ewww……well…..I guess I can try to climb down now….
Back in the throne room.
Bill hands Jack a can.
Bill: Here.
Jack: What's this?
Bill: The King of Aylesworth wishes to speak with you.
Jack holds the can up to his ear, creamed style corn pours out everywhere. –SPOOSH!-
Jack: Ugh….
Bill: I guess I could've cleaned that out first….
Jack: Ya think?
Jack shakes some of the corn out of his ear, then get's back on the can.
Jack: Not that can, sickos!
Tony: King Bauer!
Jack (disgusted): King Almeida.
Tony: It's come to my attention that you are attempting to start a war on our city.
Jack: You would be correct! I will not stand here and let you steal my precious castle staff members.
Tony: Well, if you wouldn't have sent him to steal our fruit! This wouldn't have happened. Which for that reason, we are declaring war on you!
Jack: Fine, the little piece of land between our cities in half an hour…..
Tony: Yeah, I really don't have that kind of time. Let's do it now.
Jack: You're on!
Jack throws the can away.
Later afternoon. King Bauer is leading his troops to war / King Almeida is doing the same / Doyle is a pancake / Tom and Nadia are discussing how annoying their Kings are.
King Bauer, Queen Audrey Raines, Chloe the jester, Bill the messenger, Charles Logan the cook, and some non-important extras prepare for battle.
King Almeida, Queen Michelle Dessler, Milo the jester, Karen the messenger, Morris the cook, and some more extras arm their weapons.
Jack: FOR KIEFERLOT! Charge!
Everybody runs forward each other. Jack and Tony engage in a slapping match.
Jack: Ow….-SLAP!-
Tony: OOF! –SLAP!-
Audrey and Michelle tackle each other, pulling each others hair.
Audrey: Ow, my extensions!
Chloe and Milo throw sausages at each other.
Milo: Take that, swine!
Chloe: I'm not a swine, Milo! Take this! –FLING!-
Bill and Karen look at each other.
Bill: What the hell are we going to do?
Karen: Yeah, we're not very intimidating.
Bill: Let's go get breakfast.
Karen: Yeah, they just built an IHOP down the road. I could go for some waffles.
Bill: Why not go to the Waffle House?
Karen: I don't like their waffles…..I do like their pancakes though.
Bill: So you go to the International House of Pancakes to get waffles, and the Waffle House to get Pancakes.
Karen: A tangled web we weave, husband.
Bill: So true….
Logan: I guess we fight too…
Morris: Yeah….
Logan: All I have is confectioner's sugar…..
Morris: I just have some Mrs. Dash.
Logan: Hmm……en guarde!
Logan flings a handful of sugar in Morris' face.
Morris: Why I oughtta! Take this!
Morris sprinkles Mrs. Dash on Logan.
Logan: ARGH! My eyes!
The two cities continue to have war with each other until night fell……everyone is either lying down or dead.
Jack: Okay……I won't steal your grapes anymore.
Tony: Fine…..you can have Tom Lennox back.
Jack: Can I have Nadia.
Tony: What?! You can't have her!
Jack: Hey man, I'm making sacrifices too!
Tony: Yours doesn't count! No deal….
Jack: Fine……can I have Michelle?
Tony: NO!
Jack: Okay, okay……..Morris?
Tony: No, dammit!
Jack: Fine…..you big meanie……
Chloe is walking back into the castle.
Chloe: ….who left this urinal cake here?!
Jack wakes up to find himself in a pile of diapers.
Jack: Ugh…….gross.
He sees Tony and Michelle still zonked out. Tony snuggles up with a giant diaper…eewwww…..
-TONY'S DREAM-
Space……the final frontier…….These are the voyages of the U.S.S Kentucky Fried Chicken. To boldly go where no man has gone before…….
The spaceship zooms by.
STAR BOOM: The Series!
Starring:
Tony Almeida as Captain Tony Almeida
Baxter The Talking Cougar as Number 2
Michelle Dessler as Counselor Michelle Dessler
Morris O'Brian as Lt. Morris O'Brian
Milo Pressman as Lt. Commander Milo Pressman
Bob Newhart as Lt. Commander Admiral Billy Prescott
Sally Field as Lt. Commander Admiral General Secret Service Captain Sandra Buttermilk!
And Chloe O'Brian as Nurse Payne!
Star Boom is not filmed in front of a live studio audience….because they're in space, duh...
Tony: Captain's Log 867-5309……this is day 1,223 on our voyage to seek out new planets and crap. Tensions are running high with the crew, and only I can be the voice of reason. Soon these people are going to drive me insane with their stupidity…
Baxter: Uh, Captain. If you're going to do your little space journals, could you not say them out loud to yourself on the bridge!
The crew is glaring at Tony.
Tony: Whoops!
Morris: Captain, I'm getting a distress call from a ship under attack.
Tony: On screen….
An image of Nadia appears.
Tony: Not her, the football game! I'm missing the kickoff!
Michelle: Captain, I think she's more of a priority.
Tony: Fine.
Nadia: This is Captain Nadia Yassir of the U.S.S Dairy Queen, our ship is under attack and we need assistance…
Tony (on his radio): TOUCHDOWN!
Michelle rips the headphones off his head and tosses it to the side.
Tony: Very well, Captain Yassir. How much?
Nadia: ….what?
Tony: How much?
Nadia: How much what?
Tony: How much are you going to pay us for our services?
Nadia: You have got to be kidding me? We need help or we'll die! You expect us to pay you!
Tony: Uh, yeah. We have to make a living somehow….
Nadia: You monster!
Tony: Sorry. Life saving request denied. Almeida out.
-Click-
Michelle and Baxter look at Tony.
Tony: Damn, now I don't know who won….
Baxter: That wasn't very smart.
Michelle: Yeah, Captain. Why are you such a Jerkwad?
Tony: Because that's how I am, Michelle……that's my life. And nobody can change me. Not you, not number 2, anybody!
Michelle: If you say so.
Milo: Captain, we're approaching a strange planet.
Tony: Oh good, let's go investigate.
Baxter: Uh, Captain. We should probably look into this planet first before just beaming down there.
Tony: Nonsense. My away team will include me, number 2, Counselor Dessler, and……one other person.
Morris and Milo sit there.
Tony: Don't either of you two want to come?
Morris: No thanks, I want to live.
Milo: Ditto.
Tony: Worthless, fine, I'll take Nurse Payne.
On the strange planet Cameron Diaz IV, Tony and his away team beam down to the surface.
Baxter: Uh, Captain?
Tony: What now?
Baxter: I don't think this was a good away team choice.
Tony: How so.
Baxter: Well, the captain, a cougar, a counselor, and a nurse just doesn't seem right. I mean, what's Michelle going to do? Talk to kids about not using Marijuana?
Michelle: I do more than that, jerk!
Chloe: Why did I have to come along, I have enough sick people to deal with on the ship!
Tony: Human shield.
Chloe: Nice…
An army of aliens approaches the group.
Baxter: EEP!
Tony: Take us to your leader…or we'll kill you.
The aliens draw phaser rifles.
Tony: Attack!
Tony and Baxter attempt to draw their own weapons which they did not bring along…
Tony: Oh pudding pops!
Chloe throws a bottle of Tylenol at one of the aliens. –BONK!-
Tony: Is that it?!
Chloe: You have no room to gripe!
Michelle: I'll handle this.
Michelle walks up to one of the aliens.
Michelle: Now kids…Marijuana's bad, mmkay?
Aliens: Mookey, Shchlenflock Mook Nanananana.
Tony: Don't talk about my mother!
Baxter???
They grab Tony and the others.
Tony: Uh oh, this looks like the end of our adventures.
Chloe: That's a surprise….(Rolls eyes)
What will happen to our heroes, find out next time on Star Boom: The Series!
Tony wakes up to Jack hitting him on the head with his shoe. –BONK!-
Tony: OW!...Dammit Jack, I was having an awesome dream.
Jack: Really, was I the hero who saved the day?
Tony: Uh, no……man, and it ended in a cliffhanger too. I'm going back to sleep….
-ZZZZZ-
Alien Leader: Those humans sure were delicious!
Alien Soldier: I don't know, that Nurse tasted like beef jerky…..
Alien Leader: Who wants Ice Cream!?
Alien Group: We do!
Tony wakes back up.
Tony: Hmm, that did not end the way I wanted it to. Oh well, Michelle! Guess what? I had this cool dream I was the captain of something and all sorts of other cool stuff happened, well not really, but….
Michelle: ZZZZZZ…..
-MICHELLE'S DREAM-
Michelle is relaxing on a tropical resort island.
Michelle: Ahh…..peace.
Fabio: Would you like another coconut, my love?
Michelle: Yes, Fabio.
Fabio: More 'I can't believe it's not butter' for your bagel, my love?
Michelle: Tee hee….yes, please.
Tony: I'll take some too!
Michelle: ACK! Tony! What the hell are you doing here!? Can't you see I'm trying to cheat on you with Fabio!?
Tony: Hmm….wise choice. I'll take some butter now….
Michelle: I'm here on vacation. Go away!
Tony: Oh Michelle, I wanted to tell you about this dream I had! We were in space, and Chloe tasted like beef jerky! And….
Michelle: I don't care, shoo!
Tony: Fine, I'll leave. I'll make friends with someone else.
Tony picks up a volleyball.
Tony: I'm going to call you 'Wilson'!
Michelle: Anyway, where were we?
Fabio: I was about to slather 'I can't believe it's not butter' all over my muscles for you, my love!
Michelle: Oooh, how….odd. But go ahead.
Wilson the volleyball whaps Michelle in the head. –WHOMP!-
Michelle wakes up, she slaps Tony.
Tony: OW! What did you do that for?!
Michelle: Because you threw your stupid volleyball at me!
Tony: Hey, leave Wilson out of this!
Michelle gives Tony a strange look then lies back down.
Meanwhile……
Everyone has passed out at CTU from Chloe's Explosive Gas Sandwich. She is face down on her desk, drooling on her keyboard….yeesh…..
-CHLOE'S DREAM-
The audience starts to clap.
Chloe: Hi and welcome to 'Chloe!', America's favorite talk show. If you don't want to watch; whatever, I wasn't trying to impress you anyway.
The audience claps.
Chloe: Could you people not clap, it's giving me a headache.
Silence….
Chloe: Great. Now anyway our first guest is a woman scorned that she lost her man to some floozy. Everyone welcome Kate Warner…
The audience claps as Kate Warner walks on stage and sits in one of the chairs.
Kate: Hello, Chloe.
Chloe: Now Kate, tell us what's wrong. I really don't care, but I need the paycheck…..
Kate: Well, Chloe, it all started when….
Chloe: Too long, shorten it up a bit.
Kate: Well, 33 months ago….
Chloe: Shorter.
Kate: Last Christmas…
Chloe: Shorter.
Kate: Last month…..
Chloe: Keep shortening…
Kate: The day before yesterday…
Chloe: Oh, what happened?
Kate: Well, I was really sad that things ended with my boyfriend Jack Bauer.
Chloe: Kate, that happened a long time ago. Why are you telling us now?
Kate: Well, you wouldn't let me tell you the entire story….
Chloe: Interesting….go on.
Kate: Well, I saw him canoodling with his new hussy, The daughter of Secretary Of Defense James Heller!
Chloe: Jack left you for James Heller!?
Kate: No, his daughter, Audrey Raines.
Chloe: Oh……..
Kate: I loved Jack, and I think this Audrey is…….
Chloe: Bear in mind if you say 'Witch' I will have you killed.
Kate: Uh…..evil?
Chloe: There you go.
Kate: Well, I know if I can confront him today to show him how much I care, maybe there will be a chance still….
Chloe: Talk about wishful thinking…
Kate: HEY!
Chloe: We'll talk with Jack and his hussy friend….after this message…..
The audience cheers….
Chloe: Ugh……clapping…..
BANANAS!
Chloe: Wow what a worthless message….Welcome back to 'Chloe!' we were talking to Kate Warner about her eating disorder….
Kate: What?! That's not why I'm here!
Chloe: But first, let's bring out her crappy ex-boyfriend, and his crappy new toy, Jack Bauer and Audrey Raines.
The audience boos as Jack and Audrey walk to their seats.
Chloe: Now Jack, your ex, Kate, is distraught over the fact that you left her for some floozy.
Audrey: Um, I'm right here…….
Chloe: Any comments?
Jack: Kate, we ended our relationship right before season 3 started. It's over, get a life!
Audience: BOO!
Chloe: Could you guys stop making noise….ugh…..
Kate: Jack, I loved you, you are my world!
Chloe: Oh barf…..Audrey, you are being accused of stealing Kate's 'man', what do you have to say to that?
Audrey: Well, heh, I just think Jack wanted to stop playing with little girls, and find himself a real woman!
Audience goes nuts.
Chloe: Shut up…..so Jack, Audrey just called you a pedophile. Any response to that….
Jack: GAH!
Audrey: WHAT!? No, that's not what I meant……
Kate: See! She's a manipulative skank!
Audrey: I'm getting sick of your mouth!
Chloe: Girls, girls. There's no need to result to violence…..(Makes a hand gesture to one of the stage hands, who runs up to place a couple of baseball bats on stage).
Kate: You'll pay for ruining what we had!
Kate grabs a baseball bat and swings at Audrey.
Audrey: AAAHHH! What the hell is wrong with you!?
Jack: Man, this always happens……I'm cursed…..
Chloe: Yeah, that's it. We'll be back with our next guests, after this Public Service Announcement.
-Commercials!-
Nadia: Don't do drugs!
Morris: Yes, dahling. They are very bad….
Morris takes a puff of his cigarette then takes a drink of scotch.
Morris: Oh yeah, that's the stuff….my life has just temporarily gotten better! Nothing can ruin my day now!
Nadia: Morris!? You can't do that on an anti-drug and alcohol PSA. That's hypocritical!
Morris: You're point….-PUFF! SWIG!-
Nadia: Ugh….
Chloe: You're watching 'Chloe!' our next guest is a former first lady, whose nuts! She is also concerned about her husband's involvement with the terrorists! Let's welcome Martha Logan!
Martha Logan walks on stage and takes a seat, the audience claps.
Chloe: Hello, Mrs. Logan, thanks for coming on the show.
Martha: Hi, Chloe. I just want to….
Chloe: We'll be right back after these messages…
Martha: Uh…..
-Commercials!-
Audrey: Hey, is that yogurt!?
Karen: It sure is.
Audrey: I better have some too! I'm getting married in 5 minutes….
Karen: Oooh, I hate to be in your shoes.
Audrey: Tell me about it, they're waaay to tight.
Karen and Audrey laugh hysterically.
Karen: Heh….heh……Why am I friends with you again?
Chloe: Welcome back to 'Chloe!' our guest Martha Logan is about to tell us all about her estranged marriage to former president Charles Logan…..
Martha: Thank you. I….
Chloe: We'll find out more…..after this!
Martha: -Sigh-….
-Commercials!-
Tony: You ready to go out on our date?
Michelle: I sure am!
Tony: You're going to be excited to get in my car.
Michelle: Why is that?
Tony: I got myself a new air freshener.
Michelle: Uh, ok….
Tony and Michelle get in the car, Michelle starts to choke.
Michelle: -Cough- -Cough- Oh my god, what is that horrible smell?!
Tony: My air freshener.
Michelle: It smells like rotten fish!
Tony: Well yeah, Long John Silver's made it.
Michelle: You got a Long John Silver's fish air freshener.
Tony: Yup!
Michelle: You….are….an…idiot…..
Chloe: Welcome back to 'Chloe!', we're here with Martha Logan….
Martha: -Groan-….
Chloe: Whose husband is out of control, let's find out….
Martha: …..
Chloe: …..
Martha: ….
Chloe: …go on…
Martha: Thank you…..I…
Chloe: …and watch this word from our sponsor!
Martha: Son of a….
Chloe: Oh wait, that was it. You can continue, Martha….
Martha: Are you sure?!
Chloe: Yes!
Martha: Well, Chloe my husband is out of control. He was really sweet when we got married….
Chloe: Which was eons ago…
Martha: grr…..anyway, something's happened to him, and now has devoted his life to terrorism.
Chloe: Whatever. Let's meet this schmuck. Charles Logan, come on down.
The audience boos.
Logan sits next to his wife.
Chloe: Now Charles, may I call you Charles?
Logan: Um…..sure…
Chloe: So Bob, why did you join the ranks of national terrorist? Can't you see it's tearing your wife apart?
Logan: It's more complicated than that! You wouldn't understand.
Chloe: Let's get some input from the audience. Yes, you…..
Shamalika: Girl, you need to ditch that looser, and get yourself a winner! A real man! Someone who can give you the ruhspect and attention you, a real woman, deserves! Am I right yall!?
The audience goes nuts, Chloe wretches.
Chloe: Oh brother…
Audience member: You go, girl!
Chloe: Who said that?! I will not have any of that on my show!
Other audience member: Yeah, tell him, girlfriend.
Chloe pulls out a gun.
Chloe: Next person to tell it how it is gets shot!
The audience remains quiet…..
Chloe: Well that's all for today's show….
Martha: WHAT!? We didn't even get to say anything…
Chloe: On tomorrow's show, Somebody's pregnant, Somebody's the father, and there's a talk show host that couldn't care less. See you then!
Martha: This is ridiculous!
The audience cheers.
Chloe: I really need to stop having studio audiences.
Join us for tomorrow's show….
-SWOOSH-
Chloe: So….Lambchop, you're pregnant and one of these men could be the father.
Lambchop the sock puppet is joined on stage by Doyle, Morris, and Milo.
Lambchop: That's true. One of these men is definitely my baby's daddy!
Chloe: I have the test results…..in my hand…..
The audience gasps.
Chloe: Who the hell let you people back in?!
Then on Friday's show….
Chloe talks to a man in his 50's who is suffering from extreme delusions.
Chloe: So, Mr. Van Pelt, you say this happens every Halloween?
Linus: Yes, Chloe. The Great Pumpkin comes by every year on Halloween night and showers kids with candy!
Chloe: Sounds like a load of crap…..
Linus: We'll it's not.
Chloe: I mean, your sister's a psychiatrist. You should consider visiting her…..you know….because you're nuts….
That's tomorrow….
Chloe lifts her head up from her keyboard, which has made a ton of key impressions on her face.
Chloe: Oh…..my head……stupid sandwich…..
Chloe gets up from her desk and attempts to walk towards Morris' desk, tripping over Karen's body in the process. –TRIP!-
Chloe: OOF! –CRASH!-
-KAREN'S DREAM-
Karen walks inside her home.
Karen is looking around a candy store.
Karen: Ho hum, I sure do hate being poor….
Karen looks up at the TV; A News reporter is talking about something with a picture of Bill shown on the screen.
Reporter: And in today's news, famous candy maker Billy Wonker is giving a once in a lifetime chance to 5 lucky children to explore his factory and have the chance to win a lifetime supply of chocolate.
Karen: -Gasp- I love chocolate! And I'm a kid….sort of….
Reporter: In order to win, there are 5 golden tickets spread across the globe, if you find it, you will be invited to tour Billy Wonker's Chocolate Factory.
Karen: Yes!
Karen runs up to the counter.
Karen: One Wonker Bar please!
Clerk: That'll be a nickel….
Karen: Oh crap, forgot about that….hold on…..
Karen runs outside and tackles a newspaper boy standing on the side of the road.
Karen: Sorry, I need this.
Karen takes a nickel and runs back inside.
Karen: One bar please!
The clerk hands her a bar of Wonker Chocolate. Karen opens it, no ticket, she takes a bite.
Karen: Ew! This chocolate is old! Can I get a different one?
Clerk: Sure.
The clerk hands her another bar, no ticket.
Karen: I see a nut in this one, I'm allergic, another one please.
After 17 bars of chocolate.
Karen: I've got the golden ticket! I must tell my family!
Karen runs home. She burst through the door.
Karen: Mom, Grandpa, Aunt Bessie, Cousin Joe, Uncle Cliff, Stepfather Andy, Sister Agnes, 4th Stepcousin twice removed Bob, I've WON! I've won a golden ticket to tour Billy Wonker's chocolate factory! YAY!
Woman: Who are you?
Karen: Oh yeah, I don't know any of you people. Must have the wrong house….oh well, I have a factory to tour, suckers!
Karen runs off.
At Billy Wonker's factory, everyone has lined up to celebrate the event.
Karen, Milo (who's pigging out on chocolate), Kim (a spoiled brat), Audrey (Who's smacking her gum), and Jack (who's obsessed with television) stand before the entrance. Bill walks out, the crowd goes wild.
Bill: Aren't you people a little old to be children?
The group: …..no.
Bill: Oh good, come on in then.
Everyone runs in. Billy Wonker takes them down a hallway. At the end of the corridor, he opens the door which leads to a gigantic room filled with chocolate rivers and all sorts of crap that is edible.
Bill: I'm going to sing a song…..-ahem-
The 'kids' take off running.
Bill: HEY! I was about to sing, dammit!
Karen eats some of the candy grass; Milo is over by the chocolate river, scooping it up with his hands into his mouth.
Bill: Could you not do that, I don't know where your hands have been.
Milo: But….-slurp!-….I love chocolate!...-slurp!-
Bill walks over and nudges Milo with his foot, pushing him into the chocolate river. –SPLASH!-
Milo: ACK!...mmm….chocolate…..
Audrey: Look, he's about to go up in that tube!
-SWOOP!-
Bill: Oh well, better call out the Loompa Ooompa's
Kim: The what?!
Chloe walks out to the group covered in orange paint and sporting a green wig.
Jack: Oh god, you look ridiculous! HA! HA! HA!
Chloe: I hate you all.
Bill toots on a whistle.
Chloe: What?
Bill: Sing a song.
Chloe: WHAT?!
Bill: Sing a song in relevance to the fat kid getting sucked up in the tube.
Chloe: I'm not your slave!
She walks off.
Bill: Hmm….okay, let's move on.
The walk down another hallway, entering an invention room.
Bill: I've created all sorts of crap here!
Audrey: Ooooh, I want to try this!
She picks up a piece of gum and pops it in her mouth.
Bill: Uh……I wouldn't….oh who cares?
Audrey: Wow……it's like a ton of meals in one! I taste……a breakfast burrito……..a ham sandwich……now I'm eating dinner, roast beef and baked potato!...mmm, now it's desert! Wow…..blueberry pie!...oh, I don't feel so good.
Audrey starts to swell up and turn blue.
Kim: Uh……
Audrey: What's happening?!
Audrey swells up into a giant blueberry.
Bill: Well, crap. Oh Loompa Ooompa!
Chloe approaches the group.
Chloe: What?
Bill: This stupid girl turned herself into a giant blueberry; send her down to the 4th floor to be squeezed…..
Chloe: I'll do better than that.
Chloe takes out a needle and pokes Audrey, who explodes! Blueberry juice goes flying everywhere. –POP! SPLASH!-
Jack: Ugh….
Bill: Oh my…..
Kim: That's gross!
Bill: Moving on…..
They enter another room.
Bill: This is the squirrel room, there are squirrels in here.
Kim: I want a squirrel!
Bill: Get bent!
Kim: I said, I want a squirrel!
Bill: Uh, no!
Kim: I WANT A SQUIRREL!!!!!
Bill: NO!
Kim: AAAAAHHHHH!
Kim falls to the floor in a tantrum.
Kim: I WANT ONE! I WANT A SQUIRREL NOW!!! NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!
Bill pushes Kim over the railing into the squirrel pit. –SPLAT!-
Kim: ACK!
An army of squirrels come out and they pounce on Kim, eating her. –MUNCH! MUNCH!-
Karen and Jack grimace.
Bill: Hmm, don't remember that happening. Moving on….
They enter the television room.
Jack: Allright!
Jack plops on the couch and turns on the tv to The Golden Girls.
Jack (singing): Thank you for being a friend…..
Bill turns off the tv. –CLICK!-
Jack: HEY!
Bill: This way……Now this invention is really cool. I can use molecular crap to teleport chocolate inside people's televisions!
Jack: I want to try it!
Jack hops on the teleporter.
Bill: Oh good grief…
-ZAP!-
Jack appears on the television with The Golden Girls!
Jack: ACK!
Karen: Are you going to get him out?
Bill: Normally I would've, but he's fine in there….
Jack: HELP!
Bill: Well, congratulations! You won!
Karen: YAY!
Bill: Quick, to my glass elevator!
Bill and Karen run to the elevator. Bill presses a button and the car flies upward, through the roof of the factory. The glass elevator flies in the air.
Karen: Wow! This is wonderful! How do you land?
Bill: Land?
Karen: Uh…yeah. Land?
Bill: …….
Karen: We're going to crash, aren't we?
Bill: ………yes.
Karen: Oh……hmm……
The glass elevator hits the ground and shatters into a million pieces. –CRASH!-
Karen wakes up in the middle of the CTU main hall of operations.
Karen: That was the best dream I have ever had.
Chloe is at Morris' desk, she tries to poke him with a ruler. –POKE! POKE!-
Chloe: Morris! Wake up, you lazy oaf! Geez….
Chloe looks up at the fax machine.
Chloe: What's this?
She reads the fax saying that it's from Audrey and giving an address to where she's located.
Chloe: I have to tell Jack.
She turns around and trips over Morris' body. –WHOMP!-
Chloe: Ow…..dammit….
-MORRIS' DREAM-
Playing 'The Brady Bunch Theme'……
Here's
the story, of a girl named Chloe
Who had 3 very unfortunate
looking girls…
Chloe: How rude….
They
all had hair of dirt, like their mother
and the personality of a
bag of sand….
Chloe: HEY!
Here's
the story, of a man named Morris
who had 3 ugly children of his
own…
Morris: I resent that remark…
They
were four men, living all together
and Morris drinks way too
much….
Morris: I do not!
Till
the one day when the lady met this fellow.
Then they got married
then broke up, and then he started selling women's shoes.
Then
they were working at CTU, then he built a bomb for Abu Fayed
because
he used a power drill on Morris shoulder, then Chloe made a nasty
remark about it
and then they broke up again
and now Chloe
realized she's pregnant,
and now they're back together
again
and that's the way they all became 'The O'Brian
Bunch'!
'The O'Brian Bunch!' 'The O'Brian
Bunch'!
That's the way they became 'The O'Brian Bunch!'
With Karen Hayes….as Alice!
Morris comes home from work.
Morris: Guess what kids, we're going to Sears!
Children: YAY!
Morris wakes up to Chloe strangling him.
Morris: URK!
Chloe: Morris, I will kill you if you keep dreaming about us having 9 kids, and Karen as our live in maid!
Morris: Dahling, how did you know I was dreaming about that?
Chloe: You were singing that stupid theme song in your sleep!
Morris: Oh….
Chloe: Morris, look at this.
Morris: Oh right, I saw that right before I went to sleep.
Chloe: We have to get a hold of Jack.
Chloe gets on the phone.
Jack: Mr. Bauer's house of love! This is the king speaking!
Chloe: WHAT!??
Jack: Oh god, Chloe! Uh…..what's goin on?
Chloe: Uh…..Jack, we know where Audrey is!
Jack: Really!?
Chloe: She sent us a fax from this address, 224477 Maple Hill Blvd. I think she sent it from an office building.
Jack: Okay, I'm surrounded by baby crap at the moment.
Chloe: Excuse me?
Jack: But I'll be there as soon as I can, I'll call you back so I can get the layout of the building. –Click-
Chloe: Hmm. I wonder if Sherry is asleep too.
Chloe and Morris walk across the floor and up the stairs to the 2nd floor glass office, stepping over the bodies of Nadia and Milo.
-MILO'S DREAM-
Milo walks into CTU.
Everybody: Good morning, Milo!
Milo: Hi everyone!
Milo walks up the stairs to the 2nd floor glass office, and into Director Nadia Yassir's office.
Nadia: Oh Milo! I'm……glad you're here!
Milo: Really?
Nadia: Yes, Milo……I've longed for you!
Milo: I know….
Nadia: Milo! I can't stop thinking about you…..let's forget about stopping terrorists and run away together!
Milo: Okay!
They walk outside where Chloe is standing.
Chloe: Milo, CTU's smartest and sexiest field agent, we have a situation.
Milo: It can wait Chloe!
They run downstairs.
Jack: Milo, I, Jack Bauer, the humble nerdy computer tech, just found something interesting.
Milo: I don't care!
Milo takes a handful of Skittles and throws them in Jack's face.
Jack: ACK!
Milo picks up Nadia and starts to carry her out of CTU. Everybody claps.
Chloe kicks Milo in the head. –WHAP!-
Milo: oh…….man….damn you Chloe!
Milo looks up the stairs.
Milo: Man, I don't want to climb those, I'm too tired.
-NADIA'S DREAM-
Nadia is relaxing on a tropical island.
Nadia: Ahhh, this is the life.
Fabio: Hello, Nadia, my love. Would you like some 'I can't believe it's not butter?'
Nadia: No, I'm allergic to butter. I'll take a Mai Tai though….and some crackers….and make it snappy.
Fabio: Yes, my love!
Fabio runs off. Milo plops down next to Nadia.
Nadia: Oh crap a kangaroo! Milo, why are you in my dream?! Go play in the shark infested ocean!
Milo: I'm tired of doing that. I've come to rescue you, my sweet baboo!
Nadia: Don't ever call me that again. Seriously Milo, I'm trying to relax. Go home……
Milo: Actually, I wanted to ask if you'll marry me…
Nadia: WHA..WHA…WHAT!?
Milo: I said, 'Will you…..
Wilson the volleyball whaps Nadia in the face. –BONK!-
Nadia jolts up out of her sleep.
Nadia: That was weird……too weird…..
She turns to see Milo lying next to her on the stairs.
Milo: Nadia, did you hear me?
Nadia: Huh?
Milo: I asked you if you'd carry me. Up the stairs, I don't feel like walking.
Nadia: Ugh….
Nadia stands, proceeding up the stairs.
Milo: Ah crap….oh well; guess I'll just lay here.
Chloe and Morris walk into the 2nd floor glass office, Sherry gets up off the floor.
Sherry: Hey, what happened?
Morris: Chloe made everyone pass out.
Chloe: What!? No I didn't! My sandwich was….rigged!
Sherry: Either way, we need to get back to work. Chloe, did you get a hold of Jack?
Chloe: I don't really want to know where he is…
Sherry: Well, try to get his exact location so we can send backup.
Everyone leaves the office and proceeds downstairs. Chloe trips over Milo's body. –THUD!-
Chloe: ow….
Sherry: Milo, Morris, get Kim Bauer and her dog off the floor and put them in the medical room so they can rest….
Baxter (mumbling): ….im…..not….a….dog…….
-BAXTER'S DREAM-
A few years ago, Baxter was walking through the forest, enjoying Cougar life. Suddenly, a hunter shoots Baxter with a tranquilizer and drags him to his truck. He drives off…..
Later….
Baxter is chained out in a backyard somewhere. Billy the Psycho kid comes out.
Billy: Now listen here, dog! You're going to be a good dog while I'm having my party!
Baxter: I'm not a dog….
Billy: And stop that talking thing…….hmm….wait a minute; that gives me an idea.
At Billy's birthday party.
Billy and his friends are surrounding Baxter.
Billy: Go on, talk!
Baxter: ……
Billy: This stupid dog can talk.
Susie: Billy, I just think you're crazy.
Billy: Talk you stupid dog!
Baxter: ……
Randy: Let's go back in and eat cake!
The kids run back inside.
Billy: You made me look like an idiot!
Baxter: Well, it wasn't that hard…
Billy: GRR! No dinner for you, you stupid dog….
Billy walks back inside. Baxter lies down and goes to sleep.
Earlier today…..
Mother: Billy, aren't you going to play with your dog?
Baxter: I'm not a dog….
Billy: I don't need that stupid dog, I hate him! I have a federal agent I can play with now!
Baxter: Oh screw this!
Baxter yanks continuously on his chain until it breaks from the post. –SNAP!-
Baxter: Freedom! Now I can get back home and finish the dinner I was cooking…
Baxter runs and leaps over the fence.
Billy: Mom, have you seen my 'Full House' DVD's?!
Baxter lifts up, awake, and shakes his head.
Baxter: God, I hated that kid.
Chloe: Oh good, you're awake.
Baxter: Yeah.
Chloe: Well, if you want us to take you back to the forest or whatever, we can do that.
Baxter: Oh…..um, I don't care.
Chloe: Or you can stay, I don't care either.
Chloe starts to walk again, tripping over Kim's body. –SLAM!-
Chloe: That's starting to make me mad….
-KIM'S DREAM-
When evil strikes the city. Only one courageous woman can stop the forces of evil.
Singers: IT'S AWESOME GIRL! And her sidekick DANGER CAT!
Kim and Baxter run into The First National Bank of Los Angeles, wearing their superhero tights.
Baxter: These are not very comfortable.
Kim: Look, The Sticky Finger Bandit is about to strike!
Milo the bandit is at a bank teller.
Milo: Money! Now! MWA, HA! HA!
Kim: Not so fast, evildoer!
Milo: Oh no! It's Awesome Girl! Take this!
Milo throws a stapler at Kim. She dodges it.
Milo: Crap!
Kim takes a breath and blows ice breath on Milo, freezing him.
Baxter: You did it, Awesome Girl!
Kim: I know!
AWESOME GIRL!!!!! And her sidekick DANGER CAT!
Jack: Help! Someone stole my man purse!
Morris the thug runs down a boardwalk on the beach. Kim and Baxter stand in his way.
Morris: Bloody hell, it's Awesome Girl!
Kim: That's me!
Kim encases Morris in a big block of ice using her icy breath.
Baxter: Is that all you know how to do?!
Kim: Uh…..let's go!
AWESOME GIRL!!!! And her sidekick DANGER CAT!!!
Audrey: Someone took my baby!!!!!
Nadia runs down a back alley holding Audrey's Cabbage Patch Doll. Kim and Baxter land in front of her.
Nadia: Oh nuts! It's Awesome Girl!
Kim: That's me!
Kim freezes Nadia using her icy breath!
Baxter: Good lord, get a new power for cryin out loud!
Kim: What?
Baxter: And what is my superpower?
Kim: Uh…..you're my sidekick?
Baxter: That's all!?
Kim: Hey, it's my dream, selfish.
IT'S AWESOME GIRL!!!! And her sidekick DANGER DOG!!!!
Baxter: I'm not a dog, idiot!
Kim: Up, Up, and Away!
Kim jumps up then falls back to the ground. –CRASH!-
Baxter: Yeesh…..
Kim wakes up in a medical room at CTU.
Kim: Where……where am I?
Chloe: You're in the medical department place. So you can rest…..
Kim: Oh…..have you heard from my dad?
Chloe: He's in deep crap….
Kim: Yeah, he usually is…..
The gassy fumes get ventilated out of CTU, everybody starts to wake up. The guard proceeds to take Charles Logan to a holding cell.
Logan: What a nice dream. I dreamt that I conquered the world.
Guard: Yea, yea, of course you did.
Logan: Hmph……
Meanwhile, Audrey was tied to a chair again, passed out when Rolando Callahan drugged her.
Audrey: (Loud Snoring)
-AUDREY'S DREAM-
Audrey: Ah, I love being rich and engaged!
Doyle: Yes, it is nice, my dear….
Rich bastards Audrey and Doyle are about to get married, but before that they want to sail on the maiden voyage of the mega cruise liner, Titanic.
Doyle: Let us go aboard and do rich people things!
Audrey: Yes…..
They get on board. Meanwhile, Jack and his vagabond friends Morris and Tony….
Tony: We resent that remark!
Morris: Seriously, dahling.
…are about to stowaway on the massive vessel.
Jack: Sounds good to me! Let's roll.
Jack and his friends get on board.
Jack: Okay, let's mingle.
All of the lower class folk gather in the Class F or whatever ballroom where they can dance.
Milo: We don't care about those upper class peoples and they're money! Let's do a jig!
They all start dancing. Upstairs…
Doyle: Yes, being rich is wonderful! I just love money….
Audrey: I'm bored….later….
Audrey wanders downstairs to the F class ballroom and wine cellar…or whatever.
Audrey: Hi!
Jack: Hello?
Audrey: Want to dance!?
Jack: Sure, hey later, can I draw naked pictures of you?
Audrey: Well, we just met, so I don't see why not…..
They dance and spin around then go upstairs.
Audrey: Okay, so you are going to 'paint your picture' right?
Jack: Yes, I'm a skilled artist.
Audrey: Okay!
Director: CUT! Okay, Audrey off the stage…Send in the 'Stunt Butt'!
Another woman comes in to pose naked while Audrey grabs a bagel.
Director: Okay, done. Audrey, get back in there.
Jack: That was fun; do you want to go make love in that steamy room over there?
Audrey: Oh, why not?
Meanwhile….
Morris: Man, I'm bored! Where the hell is he?!
Tony: Yeah, he was supposed to grab us a drink….jerk….
Later, Jack and Audrey are on the front of the boat.
Audrey: Wow, this is so romantic? And as a reminder, don't push me off like you did last time!
Jack: I don't know what you're talking about. (Nervous laugh).
Later, Audrey went to brag to her friends.
Audrey: I met this guy in lower class, we danced, and he drew a picture of me naked!...well, using a stunt butt of course.
Nadia: I don't know, Audrey. You just 'met' the guy.
Chloe: Seriously, dahling….DAHLING!? What the hell…..
Chloe whips out her script, flipping through a few pages….
Chloe: Okay, what moron has me talking like Morris?! I will rain down fiery death upon them! (Shaking her fist)
Doyle approaches Audrey at the dinner table.
Doyle: Audrey, are you cheating on me?
Audrey: Uh……no?
Doyle: Really…..?
Doyle puts a laptop on the table, pulling up EBAY.
Doyle: Then where did this 'Naked Picture Of Audrey Painted By Jack While We Were On The Titanic' portrait come from!?
Audrey: He's selling that?! What a jerk….wait, Doyle, it's the 1940's, where the hell did you get this?!
Doyle: Nevermind that, I'm going to have to kill this….Jack!
He storms off….
Later, Morris and Tony are standing on the deck. Tony finishing his 'Big Gulp' drink, he throws it over the side.
Morris: AHH! Dahling, what did you do that for?! You can't litter!
Tony: Chill, officer, it's just water.
Bill, the captain, is….captaining…
Bill: Heave ho!
One of the crew members runs in.
Crew Member: Captain! There's a Big Gulp cup straight ahead!
Bill: Oh hell, turn the ship!
The ship turns just in time to dodge the cup, and then hits an iceberg. –CRASH!-
Bill: Crap…..
The ship starts to sink….Jack runs downstairs to get Audrey.
Audrey: Jack, what are we going to do!?
Jack: Hop on!
Jack pulls out his Rocket Pack! Him and Audrey fly away to safety.
The End.
Audrey wakes up, still tied to her chair.
Audrey: Well, that dream turned out alright….
Back at CTU, Chloe, Morris and the others were watching 'Audrey's Dream' on Morris' portable television.
Nadia: ….yeah; that was crap.
Milo: I've seen Titanic, and that whole charade was like, 10 accurate!
Morris: Definitely full of herself.
Chloe: Remind me to kill her when she comes back…..
Back at the Safe House, Bill is out in his car passed out to the sounds of Enya.
Bill: ZZZZZ….so soothing…..zzzzzzz
-BILL'S DREAM-
Bill (narrating): It's 1947, in the rough city of….who cares what city it is? My name is Bill…..Bill Buchanan. And I'm a detective. It was a dark and stormy night on the stormy night of Sunday, February 12th. I got a call about a murder of some rich billionaire at 4040 Maple Street Road Blvd. I was on the case, mainly because I haven't eaten dinner yet. A detective's got to keep his strength up too, you know.
Bill walks up and rings the doorbell. Karen, the Maid, answers.
Karen: Oh, I see I'm a maid again. Oh well, guess I can't escape it. Welcome sir. I see….
Bill: I'm from the Buchanan Detective Agency. I'm here about…..the murder…..
Karen: Oh swell, come on in, detective.
Bill enters and takes off his coat.
Karen: Dinner is almost served, please take a seat.
Bill: I'm not here to….oh wait, yes I am. Okay!
Bill walks into the dining room where he meets the other guests.
Baxter (wearing a plum colored suit): Hello, friend, I'm Baxter Prunejuice, Professor at the Liberal Arts Academy of….Fine Arts.
Chloe (wearing a blue dress): Chloe TurkeyBurger, I am a news reporter, I'm sure you've heard of me.
Bill: No….
Tony (In a green suit): Anthony Gangrene, I'm an insurance salesman.
Michelle (Red Dress): Harlot….Michelle Harlot….I'm a private dancer.
Jack walks in wearing a Mustard Colored suit.
Jack: General Mayonnaise, it is an honor, sir.
Bill: And what do you do?
Jack: ….I'm…..a general?
Bill: Oh.
Karen: Dinner is served!
Karen and a few of the cooks bring out bags of McDonalds Happy Meals.
Bill: Sweet…..
Then Charles and Martha Logan enter.
Karen: Hello, master.
Bill chokes on his McNugget.
Bill: Aren't you supposed to be dead?!
Logan: Of course not, ha! Ha! What gave you that idea?
Bill: I was called here…..
The guests: We were called here too.
Bill: Hmm.
Logan: Well, let's eat.
Later, after eating, the group joins up in the lounge.
Logan: Okay, I'm about to show slides from me and Martha's trip to Dollywood.
Guests: -Groan-
Logan: Okay, let's start the show.
The lights shut off for a brief moment before coming back on. Charles Logan is on the floor….dead! DUHN DUHN DUUUUHN!
Tony: AIEEEEK!
Bill: Oh right, that's why I came here.
Martha: Oh no! Charles!
Bill: What's wrong, Martha? You don't sound so surprised….DO YOU!?
Martha: I would never kill me husband…..today……
Bill: Really?! He never listened to you when you swore that the telephone conversation between you and David Palmer back in season 5 actually took place, and he thought you were coo coo, and threatened to take you back to the home! Sounds like a motive….does it not!
The other guests agree.
The lights go back off, and then flicker back on with Martha on the floor, dead! DUHN DUHN DUUUUUHN!
Bill: Hmm, blows that theory all to hell. Well it's a good thing I know who the real killer is!
Everyone: You do!?
Bill: Yes, join me in the lounge everyone!
Chloe: We're in the lounge.
Bill: Oh, then I'll go ahead and point out that it was none other than Charles Logan's Private Dancer, the girl who left him for someone worth more….Miss Harlot!
Michelle: I didn't do it!
Bill: Prove it!
Lights off…..Lights on!
Michelle is on the floor, dead. DUHN DUHN…
Chloe: That's getting annoying…
Bill: Well, I know it had to be……The Gardener.
In the conservatory….
Milo: Hi friends!
Bill: You kill Charles Logan because he wasn't paying you enough to support your wife and 11 children.
Milo: How did you know that?
Bill: Angry, you killed Charles Logan, then Martha Logan so he would get his money from the will, and then Miss Harlot….just to throw us off.
Milo: Uh….
Lights off, Lights on. Milo dead.
Bill: Dammit.
15 minutes later…..
Bill: Ok. Mr. and Mrs. Logan, Miss Harlot, Milo the Gardener, Morris the cook, Mr. Gangrene, and General Mayonnaise are now dead. That leaves Mrs. Turkeyburger, Professor Prunejuice, and the Maid.
Lights off, Lights on. Everyone else is dead besides Karen, the maid.
Bill: Karen!? It was you!?
Karen: Yeah.
Bill: But why?!
Karen: They're pigs! They're extremely messy, and most of them don't wash their hands when they use the restroom.
Bill: Hmm….I see your point.
Karen: Yeah.
Bill: Well, with everyone dead and all…..you want to go grab some breakfast or something….?
Karen: I'd love to.
Bill and Karen step over the dead bodies in the lounge and leave the mansion.
Bill: It feels like something is missing….
Wilson the volleyball flies out of nowhere and smacks Bill in the face. –WHAP!-
Bill jerks up from the steering wheel in his car.
Bill: What am I doing here?
Bill looks at the Safehouse.
Bill: Oh right……
Bill gets out of the car, walking into the house to see Doyle, Tom, and Noah watching TV.
Bill: Hey guys.
Doyle: So what did you guys dream about? You know, since we didn't get any focus on what we were dreaming about.
Tom: I was president.
Noah: I wasn't president.
Doyle: Fabio kept bugging me to try his stupid 'I can't believe it's not butter'……
They sit there for a second.
Doyle: Yeah, maybe it was better that we didn't.
Bill: So, what's the plan?
Noah: We'll we would like to be escorted to the airport so we can get back to Washington D.C.
Doyle: Sounds good.
Doyle stands up as a crashing sound is heard. –CRASH!-
Doyle: What the?
Doyle draws his gun, he slowly strafes into the kitchen where 5 gunmen where waiting, they open fire.
Doyle: YIKES!
Doyle dives back into the room.
Doyle: Out the back door!
They start to run when more hitmen show up at the back, they have no choice but to go upstairs.
Tom: What are we going to do up here?! We're sitting ducks, you can't shoot them all.
Doyle: I don't know, let's keep moving.
They run down the hall as the screen splits down at 10:55:55. Bill, Tom, Noah, and Doyle take refuge in a bedroom. / Audrey drinks a cup of Folgers Coffee / Logan is sitting in a holding cell / Kim and Baxter eat onion rings in the CTU cafeteria / Chloe and Morris are working at their computers / Nadia, Milo, Sherry, and Karen are discussing something / The diaper van pulls into an office's parking lot.
The driver gets out of the diaper van, Jack sneaks up behind him.
Jack: Judo Chop! –SNAP!-
The driver falls to the ground.
Jack: Allright, gang….
Tony and Michelle pile out of the van as well.
Michelle: God, I need a shower.
Jack: Let's finish this.
Tony: Yay!
Jack, Tony, and Michelle proceed toward the office complex.
Back at CTU.
Milo: Yeah, Karen wants to head back to D.C to get things back in order with Homeland Security. I'm going to drive her to the airport.
Karen: Cause I'm important like that.
Nadia: Okay, we'll see you when you get back.
Milo: Allright, you ready?
Karen: Yuppers!
Milo and Karen walk out of the building.
Chloe walks up to Sherry and Nadia.
Chloe: I went ahead and sent backup to the address I gave Jack. This is possibly the place Rolando is holding Audrey hostage.
Sherry: Good….
Nadia: Oh, Milo forgot his phone. Hmm….
Nadia picks up Milo's cell phone and leaves the building.
Chloe walks back to her desk to find a very indecent picture of Morris put on as her Windows desktop wallpaper.
Chloe: ACK!...Morris! Did you do this!?
Morris: Guilty, dahling!
Chloe: Quit trying to get me fired and get back to work, ugh!
Nadia exits CTU and walks out in the middle of the parking lot, she spots Milo's car.
Nadia: Milo!...Milo, you forgot your….
Somebody comes up behind Nadia and grabs her, clamping her mouth shut.
Nadia: errrph!
The assailant walks Nadia to Milo's car, opening the back door to get in.
Milo: Huh!? Oh, hey Nadia….who's that with you?
Milo adjusts his rear view mirror to see Mandy holding a gun to Nadia's head.
Milo: Oh crackers……
Karen: Hey, I know you! You were that weird girl back at that prison thing!
Nadia: Start driving, make any attempt to get help, and I blow her head off.
Milo sits there; shocked……..Karen puts an Oreo in her mouth.
10:59:57
10:59:58
10:59:59
11:00:00
Fred: Thank god that's over.
Paul: I thought it was good.
Sam: Me too.
Fred: Now how much money do we have to spend on next week's episode?
Paul: …….none!
Fred: Crap.
-LATER WHEN FILMING-
On a cardboard backdrop with the giant letters 'CTU' written on it.
Fred (Dressed as Jack): Chloe, I need the schematics on the terrorist hideout.
Paul (Dressed as Chloe): Certainly!
Sam (Dressed as Morris): Seriously, dahling!
Fred: Oh forget this…..
Fred storms off stage….
NAP TIME IS OVER! (YAY!) A NEW HOUR OF 24 CONTINUES……
-SWOOSH-
Chloe walks up to the 'Copy Room' door.
Chloe: Why is this locked?
Morris: Oh, the floor's wet.
Chloe: They locked the door just for that, please!
Chloe opens the door and gets rushed away with a gigantic wave of water. –SWOOSH!-
Chloe: AAAGH!
Morris: I told you it wasn't dry yet.
-SWOOSH-
Sherry: This operation is crucial to the lives of thousands. If we don't get that code……that many people will die.
Tony: I GOT IT!
Nadia: You did!?
Tony: I won an online raffle with 2 tickets to go see Dora The Explorer Live! Wow!
Sherry and Nadia glare at Tony.
Tony: Can you believe it! Dora the freakin explorer! Man, Michelle is going to love me….
Sherry and Nadia exchange looks.
-SWOOSH-
In the office complex.
Michelle: Okay guys I think Rolando is right behind that door…..where's Jack?
Michelle and Tony turn around to see Jack sitting on top of a copy machine 'Copying Himself'.
Michelle: Jack!? What the hell are you doing!? That is so unprofessional; tell him Tony……Tony?
She looks back to see Tony standing in line.
Tony: Come on, I'm next.
Jack: Wait your turn….
Michelle: -Sigh-…..idiots…..
A BRAND NEW HOUR (WITH THE PLOT) OF 24, NEXT WEEK…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep……beep…