Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that jazz, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No bootleg copies of 'The Muppets Take Manhattan' were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 17
11:00pm – 12:00am 'A Hostage Situation'
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!
Fred and Sam were drafting this week's episode. Paul walks in.
Fred: Where the hell have you been?! You're more than an hour late!
Paul: Sorry, sorry. I was introducing my mom to everyone.
Fred: Uh….your mom is here?
Paul: Yeah, it's Bring Your Mom To Work Day, right?
Fred: Where did you get that idea?! We don't have themed days anymore; we've lost too many writers.
Paul: Whoops….well, don't get mad….
Fred: What did you do?
Paul: I kinda……let her…..write this week's episode….
Fred slams his head on the desk. –WHAP!-
Paul: Don't worry; she used to be a writer!
Fred: And for what, may I ask?
Paul: Her Retirement Home's humor column.
Fred: Ugh…
-LATER-
Old Jack: The following takes place between nap time and bingo…
Old Tony on his walker walks into Jack's room.
Tony: Jack, we've got a situation. We believe terrorists are going to set off a nuclear device at this afternoon's shuffleboard tournament.
Jack: Dude, I'm in my 80's, give me a break! Don't they have younger people to do this thing now?!
Tony: No, Jack…..you're the only one.
Jack: Fine, I'll be there after I watch Murder, She Wrote……..
Jack turns on the t.v.
Jack: Oh crap, I missed it. Okay, let's go.
Jack: The following takes place between bingo and bath time. On the day of the national shuffleboard tournament.
Jack hits a terrorist upside the head with his cane. –WHAP!-
Jack: Who are you working for!?!?! TELL ME NOW!!!
Jack's dentures fall out, hitting the floor. –CRASH!-
Terrorist: Uh….ew!
Jack: Dats not suppose to happen? Isn't it?
Tony shakes his head.
Fred: Come here…..
Paul: No, you're going to hit me….
Fred: ….yes…..yes I am……
Beep…..beep…..beep……beep……..bepepebpebepbepbpepbepbepbepbe……24!!!!!
Chloe: Previously on 24……..
-SWOOSH!-
Bill enters the safe house. Doyle, Noah, and Tom are watching TV.
Bill: Sorry I'm late; I feel asleep listening to Enya.
Hit men start gunning down the place. –BANG!-
Doyle: Upstairs!
They seek refuge in a bedroom.
Tom: What are we going to do now?! We're trapped!
Doyle: Uh…. (MIKE DOYLE AND FRIENDS)
Bill: -Ahem- (AND BILL BUCHANAN)
-SWOOSH-
Chloe takes a bite out of her mighty gas sandwich, everyone passes out. –POOF!-
Chloe falls face first on her keyboard. –SMACK!-
Chloe: Ow…..
Sherry: Get a hold of Jack, find out where everybody is. We have to find Rolando Callahan and stop him from whatever he is doing. I have to go wash my hair! (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
-SWOOSH-
Karen: I'd like to go back to Washington D.C. (KAREN HAYES)
Milo: I'll drive you to the airport.
Nadia runs into the parking lot and gets attacked by Mandy, who forces her into Milo's car.
Milo: Hello.
Mandy: Drive or she dies.
Karen: Oh no! What are we going to do!? (KAREN HAYES)
Milo: Hey! You don't get two intro squares in one recap, cheater! (THE GUY WHO IS DRIVING KAREN HAYES TO THE AIRPORT)
Milo: Ugh….
Karen eats an Oreo Cookie.
Karen: A balanced part of a nutritious breakfast! (KAREN HAYES' OREO COOKIE!)
Milo: Will you stop it already?!
-SWOOSH-
Jack gets into the back of a dirty diaper truck, which for some odd reason he keeps ending up in.
Tony and Michelle are running through the street chasing after him.
Michelle: Wait for us!
Tony: Stop that crap-mobile!
Jack: ACK! I stepped in something!!! (JACK BAUER)
Jack, Michelle, and Tony approach the office complex.
Jack: Let's rock and roll! I know Audrey is in here!
Karen (popping up): And knowing is half the battle! (Gives a thumbs up) (KAREN HAYES)
Jack: Damn you! You're not in this scene, go away!
Tony: The following takes place between 11:00pm and 12:00am.
Jack, Tony, and Michelle hurry across the parking lot of the mysterious office complex to investigate mysterious office complex things going on. That and Rolando just might be here.
Jack: Okay, let's go in.
Michelle: Would that be wise, Jack? There could be guards.
Jack: What office building has guards?
Security Guard: Hello!
Jack: AAAAIIIIEEE!
He jumps in Michelle's arms.
Michelle: Jack…..You're….too…..heavy…..URK!
They tumble to the floor. –CLUNK!-
Tony steps up to the Security Guard.
Tony: What I think my friend is trying to say is….
Tony waves his hand in front of the guard. Jedi Style!
Tony: These are not the droids you are looking for!
Guard: What?
Tony: These….are not the droids you are looking for!
Tony waves his hand in front of him again.
Guard: What are you saying? These are not the droids I am looking for? What?
Tony: YES!!!!! IT WORKED! In your face, Skywalker!
Michelle: God I hate you.
Guard: You guys are a little freaky. I'm leaving.
He walks away.
Tony: Well, Michelle, aren't I just the coolest!?
Michelle (To Jack): I really hate how it looks as if he's right but it always ends up just being luck that saves the day.
Jack: Well Michelle, if fishes were wishes, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas!
Michelle: I'm going alone. I'll see you two later.
Michelle gets up and walks into the complex.
11:03:12, at the safe house.
Doyle takes a peek out of the bedroom door to check if the coast is clear. Which surprisingly, it is.
Doyle: Well, that's always good.
Doyle opens the good just a little bit more before fully stepping out into the hallway.
Doyle: Okay, we're clear.
They proceed back down to the living room.
Bill: Hmm….
Doyle: Yeah, those men were trying to kill us. You would think they would come into that room, they knew we were in here.
Bill: I'm afraid I don't have any answers, Francine.
Doyle: WHAT!?
Bill: Well, now we just need to get the president on a plane so he can get back to D.C. I'm sure Jack is taking care of Rolando as we speak.
Doyle: Bill, Air Force One just blew up two episodes ago. I wouldn't think the president is ready to go back on another plane.
Noah: We'll be fine.
Tom: EEP!
Noah: Yes, we do need to return to D.C. as quick as possible.
Doyle: Okay, we'll head to the airport. But first we need to watch 'Friends'!
They plop down on the couch.
Bill: Oh I love this one; this is the one where Chandler makes a sarcastic remark!
Doyle rolls his eyes.
11:07:23, a car zooms by.
Miranda: Harold, did you remember to pick up the chocolate covered pretzels at the grocery store?
Harold: Yes, they were delicious!
Miranda: You ate them!? Those were for the party guests!
Harold: Oh well!
They both laugh……boring! Okay, in the car behind them.
Karen: Hello! And welcome back…..
Milo was driving Karen to the airport so she can get her happy butt back to Washington D.C. Well, Mandy showed up and threw a wrench in their plans.
Mandy: Hello. (Waves)
She does this by taking Nadia hostage. Now Mandy has to get to the airport so she can escape.
Karen: And I have Oreos! (KAREN HAYES OREO COOKIES!)
Milo slaps his forehead! –SLAP!-
Milo: Ow…..
Mandy: Okay, here are my demands. You drive me to the airport and then escort me on a plane. After I leave, you can go. If you try to get help, the girl dies.
Karen: Oh please! I'm too young to die!
Mandy: I'm referring to the one back here.
Karen: Oh…..whew, thank god.
Nadia: Karen!
Karen: What? Oh right……um…..you'll never get away with this!
Mandy: I actually think that I will.
Karen: Oh screw it, I tried.
Nadia scoffs and sits back in her seat.
11:10:23, at CTU.
Chloe walks over to Morris' terminal.
Chloe: Morris, I'm a little concerned about Nadia. She's been gone for a while now.
Morris: And….
Chloe: All she had to do was run Milo his cell phone out to his car. You don't think anything happened to her, do you?
Morris: And….
Chloe: Morris, are you even listening to me?
Morris: Yea, dahling, I already took the trash out.
Chloe: What are you doing?
Chloe walks behind his desk, Morris is playing a game on the computer.
Chloe: What is that?!
Morris: It's a computer game, Nancy Drew, Yeesh!
Chloe: I know, Morris. You can't play that! You'll get in trouble….
Morris: Nonsense. It's quite fun actually. You see, I'm online with millions of people from around the globe!
Chloe: Good for you. You just need to get back….
Morris: It's called Super Awesome Quest: Online! Hey, you should get it too! Then we can both play!
Chloe: I already have to deal with you at work; I don't think it would be any fun at all. I'm leaving.
She stops and turns back around.
Chloe: And I suggest you stop playing that thing or Sherry is going to get pissed.
Morris stops for a second.
Morris: Hey! Sherry got my invite! Now were both playing on the same team!
Sherry waves to Morris from the 2nd floor glass office. Morris waves back.
Chloe: Unbelievable! (She storms off)
Morris: You'll be back….
11:14:34. Chloe is storming back to her desk / Jack, Tony, and Michelle are sneaking down a hallway / Milo is still driving / Kim and Baxter are buying some food in the CTU cafeteria.
Kim: So, what are you going to do when this is all over?
Baxter: Hmm, I don't know. Go back home I guess.
Kim: Ah….
Baxter: You?
Kim: I don't know, I'm really good at babysitting, I'll probably do that……hmm…..maybe not…..
A piece of dust crumbles on Kim's head.
Kim: The hell?
Baxter: What's wrong?
Kim: The ceiling is falling apart.
Baxter: Nah, I'm sure it's nothing…..aw crap, there's a hair in my mashed potatoes!
Kim: Are you sure it's not yours?
Baxter: I resent that remark. I'm going to complain.
Baxter grabs his tray and walks to the lunch lady. More dust falls on Kim.
Kim: -Cough- -Cough- What the hell is that?!
Baxter comes back and sits at the table.
Baxter: Heh, heh, heh. She gave me extra potatoes; I should eat here more often.
Kim: I have a feeling that something bad is going to happen.
Baxter (sarcastic): At CTU!? Are you serious?!
Kim: Okay, okay. I see your point. You know it probably is just my imagination.
Baxter: Hey, that same hair is still in there! She just….'covered' it….how rude!
11:16:02, at the office complex. Jack, Tony, and Michelle approach an elevator.
Jack: Ok.
Jack presses the 'Call' button. The doors open, they get in, the door shuts. Okay, that's about it on that one….
Jack presses the 17th floor button.
Tony: How do you know that's the one?
Jack: Because it's the highest.
Tony: That don't mean squat!
Jack: Yes it does!
Tony: How so?
Jack: In every location where there's a bad guy and there are a lot of stories in the building, the main bad guy is always on the highest level. God, Tony, play a videogame!
Tony: Well, he just may want you to think he's on the highest level, when in reality it would be a trap.
Michelle: You really think he'd go to that much trouble?
Tony: Well sure!
Jack: Okay, the 17th floor. Let's go Angels!
Jack, Tony, and Michelle jump out of the elevator, striking a Charlie's Angels pose! They get shot at. –BANG!-
Jack: ACK! Get back in the elevator!
They turn around and jump back in, the door shuts just in time.
Jack: Whew. Okay, that didn't turn out good.
Tony and Michelle: You think!?
Jack: Okay…..from the top.
The doors open. Jack, Tony, and Michelle jump out and pose 'Charlie's Angels' style. –TINK! TINK! TINK!-
Michelle: What's that noise?
Jack: AAAH! GRENADE! Get back in the elevator!
They run back in as the door shuts. –KABOOOOOOOM!-
Jack: Whew….
Michelle: We really need a different strategy.
Jack: Ok……one more time!
Michelle: Ugh….
Jack opens the door. The three of them jump out and pose 'Charlie's Angels' style.
Jack: Hmmm……looks clear.
A man drops down from the top of the elevator and grabs Tony.
Tony: URF! –YOINK!-
Michelle: Tony!
The door closes.
Jack: Hmm…..okay, on to plan B.
Michelle: What's plan B?
Jack: The same exact thing we're doing in Plan A….just without Tony.
Michelle: Jack! We have to save him.
Jack: Oh all right. Let's start off with the snack machine.
Michelle: What?
11:19:42, in a mysterious room in the super mysterious office complex. Rolando enters the room Audrey is tied up in.
Rolando: Did you have a nice nap?
Audrey: Meh….
Rolando: Well, Jack Bauer is here.
Audrey: He is!?
Rolando: Yes, too bad I'm going to have to kill him.
Audrey: What did he ever do to you anyway?
Rolando: Something….so terrible….that if I tried to even begin to explain this complex tale….your head will explode.
Audrey: Oh neat….try it anyway.
Rolando: Okay, well, a long, long time ago.
Audrey's head explodes. –KABOOM! SPLAT!-
Rolando: Ewww! It's everywhere! Gross!
Okay, now back to reality.
Rolando: It's none of your business, good day to you!
Rolando storms out.
Audrey: What a nutball…..
11:22:12, back at CTU.
Morris and Sherry were shooting messages back and forth to each other and laughing on Super Awesome Quest: Online. Chloe, on the other side of the room, is tapping her fingers on her desk.
Chloe (in thought): Man, I'm actually bored……what kind of terrorist attack is going on now anyway?! Yeah, the president was almost assassinated 7 hours ago, which Logan turned out to be the culprit, who was working with Agatha, who were both working for Callahan. But Logan's in holding, Agatha's croaked, and Jack is going after Rolando to get Audrey. Why am I here? It's not like Jack has called me for anything important. I mean, geez, I've been here since 7 this morning……..I wonder how much fun that game Morris is playing….no! You are not jealous of Morris! Gross! Get a hold of yourself, Chloe….you're better than that.
Angel Chloe appears on her shoulder. –POOF!-
Chloe: Oh no, it's you again?! Didn't I already have a run in with you back in episode 4?
Angel: That doesn't matter. You must resist temptation Chloe, Jack needs you to stay by the phone in case he needs you!
Devil Chloe appears. –POOF!-
Devil: Yeah, Chloe, like you needed him. Don't forget about all those times he avoided your call after him and Doyle tried to confront Adam Logan.
Chloe: You're right! To hell with Jack…..
Devil: Now go play some games!
Chloe: I should……no…..I will…..
Angel: But Chloe!
Chloe: No, you're right. I have to stay here.
Devil: But what other opportunity are you going to have to kill Morris without legal repercussions?
Chloe turns to the Angel.
Chloe: Yeah, you lose.
Chloe throws the Angel into her paper shredder. –RIP!-
Angel: EEK!
Chloe gets up out of her desk and walks back over to Morris.
Chloe: Okay, you win. I want to play now.
Morris: I thought you say that, dahling.
Morris opens up a draw and gives her the game, in its own box.
Chloe: You bought an extra copy because you knew I would end up playing it?
Morris: Happy anniversary, dahling!
Chloe: You got me this for our anniversary! Oh, that's it…..
Chloe storms back to her desk, opening the box, putting the disk in her computer to install the game. She waits for a bit. –DING! FINISHED!-
Chloe: Hmm…..that was fast.
She starts up the program.
Chloe: Let's see, need to create my character. Female, of course. Hmm, should I be human or an elf? Hmm……I'll be human.
She clicks around for a couple of times before finally getting into the game.
Chloe: My name, hmm. Okay….'COBRIAN34'…..
That name is already taken. Choose another.
Chloe: Okay……'Chloe444'.
That name is already taken. Choose another.
Chloe: 'ChloeOBrianatCTU3322'.
That name is already taken. Choose another.
Chloe: Damn. name is already taken. Would you like us to pick one for you?
Chloe: As if I have a choice? Fine.
-SUPER AWESOME QUEST: ONLINE-
Chloe walks into a village full of people.
Chloe: God, I'm getting a horrible feeling of Déjà vu. I hope I'm not back in Kieferlot again, that was just horrible!
Morris walks up to her.
Morris: Hello, dahling.
Chloe: Hi Morris. I see your name is 'Kerflanderbelt'. What the hell kind of name is that?
Morris: Dahling, it's a fantasy setting. You want to be realistic…..Why is your name 'Ratgirl44'?
Chloe: What?! Oh, damn that auto namer!
Morris: Come with me, dahling. We have Super Awesome Quests to complete.
Chloe: Oh joy, oh rapture……
11:27:54, on the road again.
Karen is messing with the radio.
Nadia: Oooh! I like that song, turn it back.
Milo: You like them!? They suck!
Nadia: No they don't.
Mandy: Actually can you just turn off the radio? I have a headache.
Karen turns it off.
Karen: Hey, I have an idea. Let's play I-Spy!
Milo: Ugh….
Karen: Okay, I'll go first. I spy with my little eye……something…….blue.
Milo: That billboard.
Karen: Nope.
Mandy: My boots.
Karen: No.
Nadia: …..The sky?
Milo: It's 11:30 at night!
Nadia: Oh……um…….the pond?
Karen: Nope.
Milo: I don't know. What is it?
Karen: The Smurfs!
Milo: WHAT!?
Karen: Yeah, the Smurfs! I love them, they're so cute. Except for Smurfette, she's a tramp!
Nadia: Karen, there are no Smurfs out there.
Karen: Oh…..is that how you play the game?
Everyone groans.
Milo: Now what?
Karen: Oh! I have another game.
Mandy: Swell.
Karen: Okay, let's see…..I have scrabble!
Everyone: No….
Karen: Monopoly?
Everyone: Hell no…..
Karen: Okay……I have 'The Wheels On The Bus' on tape. We can sing along….
Everyone: Scrabble!
Karen: Oh goody….
11:33:12, Karen is setting up the scrabble board, pieces are flying everywhere / Doyle, Bill, Tom, and Noah are driving to the airport / Jack has his hand up a vending machine trying to loosen his '3 Musketeers' bar that got stuck, Michelle groans / Chloe and Morris are fighting monsters in the Oprah Highlands.
Nadia: Okay, Karen, your turn.
Karen puts some pieces on the board.
Nadia: …..SHABOINKLE!? That isn't a word, dammit!
Karen: Yes it is!
Nadia: It's not! Bill tried to use that word when we played earlier. You know what; I hate this game…..
Meanwhile, at the airport.
Doyle: Okay, here we are.
The car pulls into the airport parking lot; the 4 of them get out and walk inside the terminal.
Doyle: Okay, we'll just need to set you up a personal flight back to D.C. and…..where did everyone go?
Doyle looks finds Bill, Tom, and Noah at a Pac Man Machine.
Doyle: Oh grapes….
Doyle walks up to them.
Doyle: Uh, I don't think we have time for that now….
Bill: Hold on, I'm going for the high score.
Doyle: Ugh……
Tom: Look out for that ghost; it's coming around the other way.
Doyle: Oh brother….
11:35:23, back at CTU.
Baxter sits down with a bowl of soup.
Kim: Got tired of having hair in your mashed potatoes?
Baxter: Yeah, they need to get new cooks.
Kim: You know, where did this cafeteria come from anyway? I don't remember it being here last time!
Baxter: How long has it been since you were here last?
Kim: Season 5. The place got fumed with nerve gas.
Baxter: What is with this building? They should consider moving.
Kim: Yeah…..
Baxter: Ugh….there's a hand in my soup! That's it; I'm going to Subway…..
Baxter takes his food back as Kim starts heading to the door, a big clump of the ceiling falls and barely misses her. –CRASH-
Kim: ACK!
A guard comes running.
Guard: Is everything okay?
Kim: Well, I….
Guard: Ok, good….
He runs off.
Kim: Uh……
Baxter walks up to Kim.
Kim: Ok, I think this place is falling apart. We need to tell Sherry.
Baxter: Okay, but after I eat this nutritious yogurt.
Baxter opens the yogurt and a mouse crawls out.
Mouse: Squeek!
Baxter: Ew! Gross……God, I hate this place……
He pops the mouse in his mouth.
Kim: UGH! Did you just eat that mouse!?
Baxter: uh……….no?
Kim: ….
Baxter: ……..yes……..
11:40:31, back at Super Awesome Office Complex!
Jack and Michelle approach another hallway, with a huge suspicious looking door at the end of the corridor.
Michelle: That's got to be it! Audrey's probably in there; Tony might be in there too!
Jack: Yeah…….(something catches his eye, he wanders off.)
Michelle: I just don't know how we are going to get in there and rescue them without attracting too much attention, what do you think, Jack?...Jack?...Huh?
He's gone.
Michelle: Oh great. Jack, where the hell are you?
She walks past an office door, Jack is sitting down.
Michelle: Jack, what the hell are you doing?!
Jack is watching 'Ducktales' on the tv.
Jack (singing the theme): Life is like a hurricane, here in…Duckburg,
Michelle: Jack?
Jack: Race cars, lasers, airplanes. It's a…duck-blur!
Michelle: Jack!
Jack: Might solve a mystery…
Michelle: Jack!
Jack: Or re-write history…Ducktales! Ooooh!
Michelle: Jack?!
Jack: Every day they're out there making Ducktales! Ooooh!
Michelle: Hello?!
Jack: Tales of daring do bad and good Lucktales.
Michelle: Are you even listening?
Jack: D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you! There's a stranger out to find you. What to do? Just grab on to some Ducktales! Ooooh!
Michelle looks for something to hit Jack with.
Jack: Every day they're out there making Ducktales! Oooh! Tales of daring do bad and good Lucktales, oooh!
Michelle grabs a bat and raises it over Jack's head.
Jack: Not pony tales or cotton tales, no, Ducktales! Ooooh!
Michele strikes, -WHACK!- Jack falls to the floor.
Jack: OW!!! That smarts…..
Michelle: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
Jack: I was watching Ducktales…..ooooh! Everyday they're out there making….
Michelle pulls a gun on him.
Jack: I'll be quiet.
Michelle: Can we continue on our rescue mission now?
Jack: Aw, but Fraggle Rock is about to start.
Michelle grabs Jack and drags him along.
Jack: EEK!
Jack and Michelle approach the mysterious door; they can hear Rolando talking on the other side.
Jack: See?! I told you this was it.
Michelle: Let's listen…..
They both press their ears up against the door.
Guard (on the inside): What do you want me to do with him?
Tony (on the inside): Please, take the girl, just don't touch my face. It's my moneymaker!
Audrey (on the inside): Tony, you suck….
Michelle: It's Tony and Audrey. They are in there!
Jack: Well duh….
Michelle slaps Jack.
Jack: Ow…..okay, let's bust on in.
Michelle: Wait! You don't know how many people are in there.
Jack: It'll be okay on!
Jack and Michelle burst into the room posing 'Charlie's Angel's style', which doesn't quite work with just the two of them.
Michelle: You know this doesn't quite work with just the two of us, now we just look stupid.
Jack: Oh beans!
The guards grab Michelle and Jack, tying them up to chairs next to Tony and Audrey.
Jack: Audrey, you're safe!
Audrey: I'm glad you're safe too!
Jack: I was worried you turned into a witch!
Michelle: And we were worried that the witch plot was NEVER going to end!
Audrey: Well, I'm fine now.
Jack: Okay, we'll get you out of here. I have a really cunning plan…..
Audrey: What's that?
Jack: Hey Callahan!
Rolando walks up to Jack.
Jack (crying): Please let us go!!!!! WWAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Rolando: Man, get some help…….for your head. (Walks off)
Audrey: Uh….that didn't work.
Michelle (to Audrey): Believe it or not, that's one his more intelligent plans.
Jack: What?! I've had successful plans. Like earlier today, I remember when…..
Michelle: Jack, we don't have time to turn this week's episode into a clip show! We have to get out of here!
Jack: Okay…..I got it! I'll call my horse!
Michelle: What?
Jack: I have a horse to come rescue me whenever I call for it. Michelle, shimmy over and grab the whistle out of my pocket.
Michelle scoots over next to Jack, she manages to reach her finger into Jack's right pocket and pull a whistle out. She throws it up in the air as Jack catches it with his mouth.
-LOUD WHISTLE!-
Tony: Ow…..
Suddenly, Jack's horse, Starlight, comes running into the room, shortly before jumping out a window. –SHATTER!...SPLAT!-
Michelle: Well that was pointless…..
Jack: STARLIGHT!??! NOOOOO!!
Audrey: What now, Jack?
Jack: That's okay, I have a backup horse!
Michelle: Dammit, Jack. What the hell is a horse going to do?
Jack: You just wait and see….
-LOUD WHISTLE-
Tony: Ow……..are my ears bleeding…..?
Suddenly, Jack's backup horse, Mr. Snuggles, comes barging into the room…..before jumping out a different window. –SHATTER!...SPLAT!-
Jack: Mr. Snuggles!? NOOOOOO!
Michelle: What the hell is wrong with your horses!? They keep killing themselves!
Jack: That's okay, because…..
Michelle: Jack, if you say you have another horse, I'm going to shove that whistle down your throat.
Jack: Uh……….okay let me get back to you on that one.
Michelle: -Groan-
11:46:12, Morris and Chloe are fighting monsters in SUPER AWSEOME QUEST: ONLINE / Tom is trying to beat Bill's score in Pac Man / Milo and friends are approaching the airport / Doyle just ate a rancid turkey sandwich.
Doyle: Ugh, this is disgusting! –SPIT!-
Meanwhile, in SUPER AWESOME QUEST: ONLINE!
Morris and Chloe are in another field of some sort.
Morris: Okay, Ratgirl, go get em!
Chloe: Fine.
Chloe walks up to a giant fire breathing dragon. Chloe pokes it with her sword. –POKE! POKE!-
Dragon: Hello!
Chloe: Uh….hi!
The dragon eats her. –GULP!-
Chloe: AAAHH!
Morris: Hmm, that didn't work.
Morris runs back into the city. Chloe appears.
Chloe: Ugh….what just happened?
Morris: Every time you die, you are 'reborn' back here.
Chloe: I see, that doesn't sound so bad.
Morris: Well, dahling, also every time you die you lose 'experience'.
Chloe: So…..you become stupider?
Morris: Bluntly put, yes.
Chloe: How many times have you died?
Morris: Several thousand…….let's continue.
Morris and Chloe walk back onto the field.
Morris: Now, from the top.
Chloe: What should I do?
Morris: Poke it!
Chloe: Morris, that didn't work last time, I turned into his dinner!
Morris: Well, that's what you're supposed to do whenever you come across a huge monster…..you 'poke' it.
Chloe: I don't know.
Morris: Trust me.
Chloe: That's what I'm worried about…..oh okay.
Chloe walks up to the giant fire breathing dragon. She pokes him with her sword. –POKE! POKE!-
Dragon: Hello!
Chloe: Uh…..
The dragon eats her again. –GULP!-
Chloe: Noooooo!
Morris: Hmm…..
Chloe is 'reborn'. Morris shows up. She slaps him. –SMACK!-
Morris: Ow.
Chloe: Dammit Morris, I told you! I got eaten again!
Morris: I just don't understand why it's not working.
Chloe: Why do we have to fight 'this' particular monster?
Morris: Personal reasons, I have a vendetta against this said monster.
Chloe: …..
Morris: ……
Chloe: This is the dragon that killed you all those times, wasn't it?
Morris: It was.
Chloe: And every time you 'poked' this monster, he just ate you again and again, didn't he.
Morris: He did.
Chloe: Well, did it ever occur to you that poking doesn't work, or you're just not strong enough! Gosh, Morris I don't even play the game normally and I knew that!
Morris: You don't get it Chloe; the world depends on us defeating this dragon.
Chloe: The same world who is under terrorist threat and were too busy playing stupid computer games?
Morris: Uh…..yes?
Chloe: That's it, I'm logging off.
Morris: Dahling, you can't do that!
Chloe: Morris, this isn't fun! All I've done was get eaten by a dragon.
Morris: Please, dahling, just one more time.
Chloe: -Sigh-….fine, but one more time.
The dragon approaches Chloe. He hands her a sword.
Dragon: Hello! This belongs to you, you dropped it.
Chloe: Oh thanks.
Dragon: No sweat.
Chloe: ……
Dragon: …..well?
Chloe: -Groan-…….-POKE!-
The dragon eats her.
Morris: Aw, it almost worked that time.
Morris runs back in the city.
Chloe: I'm leaving.
Morris: Oh come on!
Chloe: I have work to do Morris, so do you. I'm leaving this crappy game.
Morris: Oh all right, party pooper!
Chloe and Morris are back at CTU…..well, they were always there just…..oh you know what I'm talking about.
Chloe: Well, thank god that's over.
Kim and Baxter enter the main hall.
Chloe: Oh hey, I forgot you two were here….
Kim: Chloe, I'm about to go talk to Sherry, we have a serious problem.
Chloe: What?
Kim: Chloe, I'm about to go talk to Sherry, we have a serious problem.
Chloe: No, I meant 'What is it'?
Kim: What?
Chloe: The problem?
Kim: Oh…..
Baxter: The cooks in the cafeteria are horrible!
Kim: That's not it!
Baxter: Well……
Chloe and Morris nod in agreement.
Kim: I believe the building is falling apart.
Chloe: Hmm, okay, let's go talk to Sherry.
Baxter: Hey, is that Super Awesome Quest: Online?
Morris: Why yes it is! Care to join me?
Baxter: Why yes I would!
Morris: Sweet!
The both get on computers.
Chloe: Okay 'We'll' go talk to Sherry…..idiots.
Chloe and Kim make their way up to Sherry's office.
11:50:12, at the airport.
Milo's car pulls into the parking lot. He gets out, so does Karen. Mandy has Nadia at gunpoint which is hidden.
Milo: What are you going to do once we get to the metal detectors?
Mandy: You'll see.
The four of them cross the parking lot and enter the terminal; they walk past Bill, Doyle, and the others who don't notice them. Doyle is trying to beat Tom's score.
Doyle: I hate this game! Stupid ghosts…..
Milo and the others are about to approach the ticket counter when they get stopped by Bill.
Bill: Hey guys! What are you all doing here?
Mandy throws a towel over her face to disguise herself, putting her gun against Milo's back.
Milo: Uh….well……our friend…….'Susie'……we were just dropping her off at the airport.
Karen: Hi husband!
Bill: Hi wife!
Karen: They were dropping me off as well, so I can return to D.C.
Bill: Yeah, Agent Doyle and I are taking the President and Tom back as well.
Karen: Oh they're here? I'll go say hi!
Disguised Mandy coughs.
Karen: Oh……I'll say hi to them later when we get back.
Bill: Okay, we'll I hope you all have fun. See you back at CTU.
Karen: Oh, Bill!
Bill turns back around.
Bill: Yes, wife?
Karen: Shaboinkle!
Bill nods and walks back to Doyle and the others as the screen splits down at 11:55:04. Milo and the others approach the boarding terminal / Kim and Chloe are searching Sherry's office, she's gone / Morris and Baxter are playing SUPER AWESOME QUEST ONLINE / Audrey, Tony, Michelle, and Jack are tied up at Rolando's Office / Tom gets the highest score on Pac Man / Charles Logan makes tally marks on the CTU holding room walls.
Tom: YES!
At the office.
Rolando: So Mr. Bauer, do you think I would forget what you did to me?
Jack: Uh…..What?
Rolando: Well, you see…..
Everyone's heads explode. –KABOOOOOM! SPLAT!-
Rolando: Man, I should probably stop telling people these things.
Fred: -Ahem!-
Paul: And…..rewind!
Jack: What?
Rolando: Do you remember Jack? 25 years ago?
Michelle: Talk about a grudge.
Jack: 25 years ago?...Yeah, I was a teenager. Oh! I was working part time at Happy Burger!
Rolando: Yes, well…..I was one of your customers. And I ordered a burger.
Jack: Happy Burger.
Rolando: And this particular burger….
Jack: Happy Burger.
Rolando: Was not a very good burger….
Jack: Happy Burger.
Rolando: STOP SAYING HAPPY BURGER!!!!
Jack: Sorry.
Rolando: I asked for 'No Onions' and what did you do…..you put a whole onion on there! I was deathly allergic, and swelled up like a balloon.
Jack: That sucks.
Rolando: I will get my revenge.
Michelle: Why are you taking it out on the country? Just torture Jack.
Tony: Yeah.
Audrey: Sure.
Jack: HEY! Jerks…..
Rolando: Because your country loves Jack Bauer.
Jack: Aw…..they do?!...I feel loved…..
Rolando: And yet despite all his screw ups, he's still running around saving the world.
Michelle: So…..you hate Jack?
Rolando: Yes.
Michelle: Because he sucks at everything.
Rolando: Yes.
Jack: I don't feel the love anymore.
Michelle: He is a screw up……who is trying to save the world……and the thought of a screw up saving the world makes you mad?
Rolando: Yes.
Michelle: So……you're trying to 'endanger' the world…….to justify the fact that Jack is too incompetent to do so himself.
Rolando: Uh…..yes.
Michelle: That doesn't make any sense.
Audrey: Yeah it doesn't.
Tony: I concur.
Rolando: Enough! You all will eventually die in here.
Rolando storms out of the room.
Tony: What a loon!
The group is about to board the plane.
Mandy: Go first.
Milo, Nadia, and Karen board the plane. Mandy starts to board when a shot rings out. –BANG!-
Mandy: HUH!?
Mandy looks and sees Doyle shooting at her.
Mandy: Oh crap.
Mandy runs on the plane. Doyle runs to a guard.
Doyle: We'll take care of her; get the president and Tad on a private jet to D.C.
Tom: IT'S TOM, DAMMIT!
Doyle and Bill run after Mandy, boarding the plane. Mandy bursts into the cockpit, holding a gun at the pilot's head.
Mandy: Take off, now.
The plane starts to move slowly away from the airport. Doyle and Bill run in the cockpit.
Mandy: Sit down, or both of them die.
Doyle: Damn……ok, we'll be back.
Doyle and Bill walk back to their seats with Milo, Karen, and Nadia.
Nadia: Hey, we're glad you guys are here. How did you know we were in trouble?
Bill: Karen said our 'Secret Code' word if one of us was in trouble.
Nadia: 'Shaboinkle'?...THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS?!
Karen: Well, we really don't know what it means. That's just what we use.
Nadia: So……it might not even be a word.
Karen: It's a word.
Nadia: You don't know that!
Bill: It's a word!
Nadia: Ugh……
Back at CTU. Chloe and Kim walk back into the main hall.
Chloe: That's weird; I don't know where Sherry is.
Kim: Hmm……
Baxter: Dude, why do you keep getting eaten by that dragon?
Morris: It's……for personal reasons.
Chloe: Don't ask, just let him get eaten.
The building starts to rumble violently. –RUMBLE!-
Kim: AHHH!
Chloe: Oh crap! The building is falling apart!
Morris: Dahling, we have to evacuate……how many people are here, 6 total?
Chloe: What about Logan? And Sherry?
Morris: We have to get out of here, or we'll be trapped!
The ceiling begins to cave in. –CRASH!-
Kim: EEP!
Chloe: Yeah, you're right, we'll die if we don't get moving.
Chloe, Baxter, Morris, and Kim run out of CTU as the building caves in. –CRASH!-. Logan digs his way out into the open.
Logan: I guess I'm free.
Logan looks around to check if anyone is watching. He walks over the rubble proceeding to the street for an escape. Not too far off is Sherry, under a giant piece of debris, unconscious.
11:59:57
11:59:58
11:59:59
12:00:00
At the retirement home, everyone is playing Bingo.
Old Milo: Okay……I-22……………B-4………..B-12…………O-62…………
Old Karen: BINGO!!!!!
Old Milo walks over to Karen.
Old Milo: What is this?
Karen's Bingo Pad is covered with scrabble tiles spelling the word 'Shaboinkle'!
Old Milo: Karen, none of these match the numbers I've been reading! And those tiles aren't even a part of the game.
Old Karen: Oh……That's how you play the game!?
Old Milo: -Groan-……….
Jack's dentures fall out again. –CRASH!-
Jack: Aw nuts!
Tony: Dude, get some tape…
Fred: I thought I told your mother to stop writing!
Paul: Well, she's kinda already written out the plot for the next 5 seasons.
Fred starts to cry.
Fred: Why me…..
Paul: Hey, don't worry. Jack gets his dentures fixed next episode. I peeked at the script….
Fred: I hate you so much…..
NEXT TIME ON 24!
-SWOOSH-
Doyle: You have got to land this airplane, now!
Mandy: No.
Doyle: Well, I'm all out of ideas.
-SWOOSH-
Chloe: Morris! Logan has escaped!
Kim (dressed as Morris): Dahling, that is terrible!
Chloe: Kim, what the hell are you doing?
Kim: Budget cuts, I have to do double roles in this episode.
Chloe: What?
Baxter: That's just disturbing.
-SWOOSH-
Jack and the others are still tied up. Jack blows his horse whistle again for the 500th time.
-LOUD WHISTLE-
Jack's new horse, Rosie, walks in.
Jack: Okay, girl…..now……stay...
Rosie the horse stands there for a second, and starts to inch over to the window.
Jack: No, no, no, no, no……back………baaaaack…..
Rosie starts inching back over to Jack…..then a little to the window, then to Jack……..
Jack: That's it……..a little closer……..and…….
The horse walks up to Jack, he pets her.
Jack: There…..
Michelle: …..
Jack: …..
Michelle: Now what?
Jack: That's it. I just wanted to pet the horse.
Michelle: YOU MADE US SIT HERE AND WATCH HUNDREDS OF HORSES KILL THEMSELVES JUST SO YOU CAN PET ONE!?!?!?
Jack: Yes, because nothing is more calming then petting a horse.
Michelle: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
Rosie turns around and jumps out the window. –SHATTER!...SPLAT!-
Man in the street: Where the hell did all these dead horses come from?!
Jack (To Michelle): Look what you did.
Michelle: -Sigh-…….
AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24 NEXT WEEK…….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…….beep……