Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that goodness, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Roseanne action figures were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 18
12:00am – 1:00am 'Planes, Trains, And Weinermobiles'
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!
Paul and Sam walk into the writer's room. Fred is banging his head on the desk. –WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!-
Paul: Something wrong?
Fred: We are getting slaughtered.
Sam: OH NO!
Sam runs out of the room flailing his arms.
Paul turns back to Fred.
Fred: ……in the ratings.
Paul: Oh.
Sam runs backwards into the room, arms flailing.
Sam: Okay, I'm better.
Paul: What's killing us?
Fred: That annoying show on NBC…..Heroes!
Paul: Aw, dude, I love that show!
Sam: Me too!
Paul: I watch it all the time!
Fred: Fools! You're supposed to be watching 24!
Paul: Uh……when does it come on?
Fred: The same exact time as 'Heroes'!
Paul: Oh no……this is awful.
Fred: Exactly.
Paul: How are we going to watch 'Heroes'?!
Fred: YOU DON'T WATCH 'HEROES'!!
Paul and Sam: WHAT!?
Fred: Watching it boosts its ratings, and it lowers ours. Simply put.
Paul: Ah…..
Fred: We need a course of action; this week's episode needs to steal the show away from 'Heroes'. Come up with something good.
Paul and Sam look at each other, and smile. They run off.
Fred: I'm already starting to get a bad feeling about this.
-LATER WHEN FILMING-
In recent days, a
seemingly random
group of individuals has emerged with
what can
only be described as
"special" abilities.
Previously on…Zeroes…….
(Paul and Sam are intensely watching their 'work'; Fred has his face buried in his hands)
Chloe: Okay, I'm going to do it.
Morris: Go, dahling.
Morris starts filming with his camera.
Chloe falls off of a giant oil rig and splats on the ground. –SPLAT!-
Morris: EW!
Chloe gets back up and pops her arm back into place. –SNAP!-
Morris: Double EW!
Chloe: See, I can't die! There's something wrong with me! I heal instantly!
Morris: Hmm…..
Morris grabs a sword and lops off both of Chloe's arms. –SHANK! SHANK!-
Chloe: Now why did you do that for!?
Morris: There you go, Wolverine, heal from that!
Chloe: Good going, Morris….
Tony runs into Michelle's cubicle at work.
Tony: I have the power to mess with the space-time continuum and travel! Watch!
Michelle: Whatever.
Tony clenches his face reeeeal tight.
Michelle: Uh…..don't try to hard Tony, you might pop something.
Tony: Errrrrrrgggg……
Tony disappears.
Michelle: What the hell?
Tony reappears in some other room.
Tony: I did it!...uh…..I can't move.
Tony realizes he's stuck in a wall.
Tony: Oh crap!
He looks over to see the x-man Nightcrawler stuck in a wall next to him.
Nightcrawler: Hello, friend.
Tony: Who are you?
Nightcrawler: My name is Kurt Wagner, but in the Munich circus I was known as….
Tony: Yeah, I don't care.
Bill: Hello Milo!
Milo: Hi!
Bill: Why are you here?
Milo: To study your….ability…….tee hee!
Milo: Heh, heh. Now all I have to do is take this guy's brain and his ability will be mine! HAH!
Bill: What?!
Milo: Uh, nevermind. Okay, let's see.
Milo walks up to Bill and removes the top of his head, taking out his brain.
Bill: So, what are you doing with my brain?
Milo: Hmmm, I guess I can eat it. It does look kinda yummy.
Milo puts a bib on and sharpens his utensils.
Milo: So anyway, what's your special power? –MUNCH! MUNCH!-
Bill: Oh, it's a special power indeed. I have the ability to conjure oatmeal!
Milo: ….What?
Bill: Yeah.
Milo: uh……that power sucks………you know what?…..I'm leaving.
Milo walks to the door to open it, a massive amount of oatmeal avalanches on him. –RUMBLE!-
Milo: ACK! –SPLAT!-
Join us next time for an all new episode.
-CLICK!-
Sam: Ooooh! I can't wait!
Paul: I'm going to watch it again!
Fred: You made the show like heroes!?! Why?! Hell, why am I acting like I'm surprised? I should've seen this coming. I'm going home…..
Fred gets up and walks out.
Sam: ……..he doesn't want to admit he likes it.
Paul: The path of a '24' writer is never an easy one……..
Sam: Damn skippy!
Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..bepbepbepbepbepbepbpebpebep…..24!!!!!
Sherry: Previously on 24……
-SWOOSH-
Something explodes. –KABOOM!-
Chloe: Jack, what are we going to do?!
Jack: This way!
Jack and Chloe run down a hallway. He frantically puts in a code at a sealed door. It opens. –SHWOOP!-
Jack: Hurry!
Jack and Chloe escape into the room with the door shutting behind them.
Chloe: Uh, Jack?
The room is empty, except for a cardboard box.
Chloe: What the hell are we supposed to do with this?
Jack: Chloe, you know how I always said I wanted to do something with my life?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Well, I have…..I present to you…….My time machine!
Chloe: Oh crap, not this again.
Jack: Hurry, Chloe. We're running out of time. Get into the time machine. We'll go forward to the future after all of this has blown over and we'll be safe. We can start our lives over again. We can rebuild CTU!
Chloe: Uh…….Rebuilding CTU isn't really the kind of 'new life' I would like to start.
Jack: Hurry Chloe! Get into the time machine.
Chloe: Fine! Fine!
Chloe crawls under the cardboard box, appropriately labeled 'Super Time Machine. By Jack Bauer: Age 40'. Jack crawls in the box with Chloe.
Jack: Hang on tight…..it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Chloe: Whatever.
Jack: ZOOOOOOOM! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! REEEEEEEER! WAH! WAH! WAH!
Chloe: What the hell are you doing, Jack? Do you have to make those sound effects?!
Jack: Uh….it's called 'Using My Imagination'. God, Chloe, watch an episode of Reading Rainbow, geez!
Chloe shakes her head.
Jack: Okay…..here we go!!!!!!
Later….
Jack and Chloe crawl out of the cardboard box.
Jack: This is it Chloe…..The Future!...It's…..just like how I imagined it!
Chloe looks at the clock.
Chloe: Uh Jack……it's 4:00.
Jack: Yeah.
Chloe: We got in the box at 3:00.
Jack: Yeah.
Chloe: We've been in there for an hour.
Jack: And here we are…..IN THE FUTURE!
Chloe: No you moron! We just sat in a stupid cardboard box for an hour!
Jack: But we are in the future, are we not?
Chloe: AAARGH!
Chloe storms out of the room.
Jack: I'm awesome…..
Paul: Okay, that didn't happen.
Fred: Well duh…..
-SWOOSH-
Doyle peeks out of the bedroom.
Doyle: Looks like its clear, we can watch television now.
Bill, Noah, and Tom: YAY! (MIKE DOYLE AND FRIENDS).
-SWOOSH-
A car drives by, on it's way to the airport.
Milo: Ready Thelma?
Karen: Ready Louise!
Milo: Let's go!
Milo and Karen drive the car off the canyon. –CRASH!-
Paul: That didn't happen either.
Fred: Will you please stick to the storyline!
Mandy (in the backseat): Take me to the airport!
Milo, Mandy (in disguise), Karen, and Nadia are walking through the airport. (MILO PRESSMAN AND FRIENDS)
Karen (shaking her hands): SHABOINKLE!
Bill: After them!
Bill, Doyle, and a bunch of guards, wherever they came from, start making chase. Mandy and the others board the plane, as well as Bill and Doyle.
Mandy: Get this plane moving, now!
Doyle: Crap!
-SWOOSH-
Kim: CTU is caving in!
Baxter: There's a nail-file in my burrito, gross!
Kim: You need to stop eating here. (KIM BAUER)
-SWOOSH-
Chloe: Morris, help! I'm being eaten by the dragon!
Morris: Never fear, my busty wench!
Chloe: Did you just call me a wench?
Morris: I'll save you!
Morris runs up with his sword, the dragon picks him up and…..-GULP!-
Chloe: Ugh…. (MORRIS O'BRIAN AND RATGIRL44)
Chloe: HEY! That's not my name, jerk!
-SWOOSH-
Jack: We have to save Audrey! Let's go inside this office complex!
Michelle: Okay, there's two guards up ahead, now what? Guys?...Guys?
Tony hops up behind a desk.
Tony: POST-IT NOTE FIGHT!
Tony and Jack start slinging post-it notes at each other. –WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!-
Jack: Ow! (JACK BAUER AND FRIENDS)
Michelle: That's it! I'm calling in sick tomorrow……
CTU falls apart. –CRUMBLE!-
Chloe: This is bad!
Sherry lies unconscious, Logan escapes the rubble and out to freedom.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT WEEK, FIND OUT….oh wait, that's this episode?...ok, keep rolling! Keep rolling!
Karen: The following takes place between Midnight and 1:00am.
The plane is flying through the air over Los Angeles. What's going on inside the airplane? Let's find out….
Mandy: Oh, just holding the pilots hostage so I can make a cool escape. But those CTU morons are getting in my way!
Doyle: She's probably talking about us.
Bill: How rude!
Mandy walks out into the main cabin of the plane. She pulls out a gun.
Mandy: Nobody move or I'll shoot! And it will hurt!
Milo: Can we at least talk?
Mandy: No.
Milo: Meanie!
Mandy goes back into the cockpit. Nadia is held hostage up with the pilots.
Nadia: Yes, because I can't go 5 seconds without being held hostage. I'm just as bad as Audrey.
Meanwhile, Audrey was….
Audrey (talking to Jack and the others at Rolando's): So anyway….
Okay, enough with her, meanwhile back on the airplane…
Audrey: I really hate it when you do that.
Milo walks over and sits next to Doyle.
Milo: Okay, we have 3 choices of in-flight movies.
Doyle: Shoot.
Milo: Okay, we have an obscure foreign film that Jack did a long time ago. He plays a secret agent on his majesty's secret service. James Bauer 0024: The Man With The Golden Libido.
Doyle: Pass.
Milo: We have The Chronicles Of Nadia: The Lying Bitch And Her Wardrobe.
Nadia: I HEARD THAT!
Doyle: Maybe.
Milo: And last we have From Justin To Kelly: The Tale Of Two American Idols…..
The both shudder.
Milo: Yeesh.
Doyle: Let's start with Jack's movie first.
Milo: Okay.
Milo pops the movie into the player.
'The James Bond Theme Plays'
Jack walks out on screen, pulling out his gun and shooting. –BANG!-
Cameraman: OW! MY FACE!
Jack walks up to a bar on the beach. A beautiful woman emerges from the ocean, approaching the bar.
Woman: Hi!
Jack: Hello.
Woman: My name is Holly Berries! What's yours?
Jack: My name is Bauer…….James Bauer…….and you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Holly: Really!?
Jack: Yes! Let's go this way!
Jack and Holly run over and jump into a nearby bed…..in the middle of the resort bar…..wherever that came from.
Man: Can you get rid of this bed? It's kinda destroying the ambience.
Jack enters a hotel, he snaps a guard's neck. –SNAPPITY!-
Woman: Bauer! What are you doing here?!
Jack: Gasp! It's Demolition-Debbie!
Debbie: That's right! Prepare to die, James Bauer!
Jack: And you……are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!
Debbie: I know.
Jack: THIS WAY!
Jack and Debbie run over and jump into a nearby bed……good lord, man, take a break!
Jack: I'm back from my trip to the Alps, Moneyhennypenny.
Moneyhennypenny: Yay!
Jack: And you…..are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen……today.
Moneyhennypenny: Oh, James!
Jack: THIS WAY!
And they jump into the bed…..where the hell are all these beds coming from?
Doyle: That movie was crap!
Milo: I know; what a waste of life…..okay, moving on.
The Chronicles Of Nadia: The Lying Bitch and Her Wardrobe!
Nadia: I the snow witch will destroy this land of……whatever. I have in front of me the sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve! What are your names!
Yakko: I'm Yakko!
Wakko: I'm Wakko!
Dot: ….and I'm Cute!
Nadia: Whatever! You, the tall one! Go get me some fruit! You, girl, run to Macy's and buy me a new blouse. And you, the middle child, come with me to the Ice Palace and I'll give you one of these creepy looking European cake things.
Wakko: I love those!
Nadia: MWA HA HA HA!
Nadia turns off the tv. –CLICK!-
Milo: What in the name of Regis Philbin was that garbage?!
Doyle: Uh…..yeah?
Nadia: It was a student film I did……for……student film……class……How the hell did you get this anyway!?
Milo: They were offering it on the in-flight movie.
Nadia: That's just great!
Mandy: Hey! I didn't release you yet! Get back here in the cockpit like a good little hostage.
Milo: Better do what she says, Nadia.
Nadia: You know, when did you guys plan on saving us?
Doyle: We're getting there.
Milo: Okay, all that's left is From Justin To Kelly.
Doyle: Forget that! Let's just move on to saving everybody.
Milo: Works for me.
Doyle and Milo walk to the back to strategize, passing by Bill and Karen who are eating peanuts.
12:05:22, at Rolando's House Party.
Tony: I wish.
Rolando enters the room.
Rolando: Hello gang.
Jack/Audrey/Michelle/Tony: Hi Rolando!
Rolando: Okay, Jack. Here's the thing. I'm going to hand you a gun, you have to shoot each one of your friends.
Jack: Go on.
Michelle: HEY!
Rolando: If you fail to do so…..I will release this deadly toxin into the city's water supply!
Jack: So?
Audrey: But Jack, tomorrow, err today, is the day of the big Los Angeles Water Festival! We can't go on having the water intoxicated!
Jack: Oh crap, we have to deal with the water festival!?
Audrey: Actually no, it's not until 4:00pm; the season will be over by then.
Jack: Whew, that's good.
Rolando: So, what's it going to be?
Jack: Man, I don't know…….Do I get a commercial break to decide?
Michelle: Jack, we haven't done a legitimate commercial break since like….episode 1 or 2.
Jack: Oh man……..what if I say 'No'?
Rolando: I told you…..I release the toxin……then I'll kill your friends anyway for you not being a good sport!
Jack: My friends?...Gasp! I hope you don't mean The Babysitter's Club; they're the only friends I have!
Michelle: HE'S TALKING ABOUT US YOU IDIOT!
Jack: Oh.
Rolando: I'll give you about 10 minutes to decide, because I'm nice like that.
Rolando leaves.
Jack: Okay, now what?
Tony: Hmm…..
Michelle: We have to get untied from these stupid chairs, and then we can take Rolando, get some answers, and stop him in the end from releasing the deadly toxin into the city's water supply before it ruins the Los Angeles Water Festival…..whatever the hell that is!
Jack: We just need a miracle.
The doors fling open. –WHAP!-
Jack: We're saved!
Rainbow Brite storms in, clearly pissed.
Jack: Uh oh…..ok we're not.
Michelle: What did you do now, Jack?
Rainbow Brite: Jack Bauer, I'm suing you for everything you got!
Jack: Swell.
Audrey: What did he do?
Rainbow Brite: He killed my horse, Starlite!
Michelle: Jack, did you kill Rainbow Brite's horse?
Jack: Well if you want to get technical, the stupid horse killed itself.
Rainbow Brite: GRR!
Michelle: Jack?
Jack: Yes Michelle?
Michelle: Apologize to Ms. Brite for making her horse jump out the window.
Jack: No! I don't wanna….
Michelle: Jack?
Jack: …..
Michelle: ……
Jack: Okay…….I'm sorry for making your horse jump out the window.
Rainbow Brite: Thank you for your apology, but I'm still going to sue.
Tony: Listen……Rainbow?
Rainbow Brite: What?
Tony: ……You want to untie us!
Rainbow Brite: …..what?
Michelle: Oh crap, he's doing his Jedi thing again.
Tony: You want…..to untie us.
Rainbow Brite: ….I want…..to untie you…..
Michelle: Holy crap…..
Rainbow Brite runs and jumps out the window. –SHATTER!...SPLAT!-
Jack: Well that was unexpected.
Michelle: Remind me to never seek psychological help from either of you two.
Jack and Tony: Done.
Audrey: Hey, I think I can wiggle out of these restraints!
Michelle: Really?
Audrey: Yes………almost……….alllllmost……….there!
Audrey rubs her wrists.
Tony: Woo hoo!
Michelle: Allright! We can finally end this thing and get some sleep!
Audrey unties Michelle, Tony, and then Jack.
Jack: Let's go!
Michelle: Wait! I have an idea…….let's sit back down and pretend to be still tied up!
Tony: What?!
Michelle: If we barge in there, he'll have guards. If he comes back here, which he mostly does alone, he'll be under the impression that we're still tied up that will give us the upper hand!
Audrey: Good point.
Michelle: Hurry, let's sit back down, I hear him coming.
12:10:33, CTU is in shambles.
Kim: CTU is in shambles.
Ugh….
Chloe: This is bad, really bad.
Morris: Yup.
Chloe: Okay, let's try to collect as much information as we can. Maybe we can set up shop somewhere else and resume operations.
An ambulance pulls up.
Medic: Are you guys allright?
Chloe: Well, we….
Medic: Good.
He runs off.
Chloe: Why do people keep doing that?
Another Medic: We have someone over here, under some of the debris.
The medics put Sherry on a gurney and wheel her on the ambulance, they drive off. –ZOOM!-
Baxter runs up.
Baxter: Uh hey, your prisoner has escaped.
Chloe: Logan!? Oh crap….
Morris: Not to worry, I can find him.
Chloe: And how's that?
Morris: Watch!
Morris pulls out a map of California.
Chloe: Where did you get that?!
Morris: I saw this on that tv show Charmed, dahling. It's really easy.
Morris gets a crystal tied to a string and dangles it over the map.
Chloe: What are you doing?
Morris: It's called scrying, I use this crystal thing to track whoever it is I'm tracking. The crystal will land on the part of the map where Charles Logan is hiding.
Chloe: Uh, Morris?
Morris: Shh, dahling! I've almost found him.
Chloe: …..Morris?
Morris: Just a second…..ooop, lost him…..okay……okay….
Chloe: MORRIS!
Morris: Yes, dahling?
Chloe: Are you sure it will work seeing how you don't have any special abilities of any sort?
Morris: Uh…..
Chloe: Thought so. Let's start getting our stuff.
Morris walks over to his desk.
Morris: Hey! My computer is still on! I can still play SUPER AWESOME QUEST: ONLINE!
Chloe: Morris!
Morris: Hold on, I'm going to……oh…..no, just got ate by that damn dragon again. Okay, coming.
12:15:22, Chloe and Morris dig through the wreckage / Logan is walking down the street / Medics are working on Sherry / Milo is yawning on the plane.
Milo: Yawn!
Doyle and Milo stand outside the door leading to the cockpit.
Doyle knocks on the door.
Mandy: WHAT!?
Doyle: Mandy, this is Agent Mike Doyle…..
Milo: And Milo.
Doyle: You are completely surrounded.
Mandy: I have control of the plane; you don't want to make me angry.
Doyle: Crap.
Milo: Crap indeed.
Doyle: We have to think of something.
Milo: Yeah.
Doyle: Hmm…..
Milo: I got it!
Doyle: What?
Milo: We knock out one of the stewardesses!
Doyle: Beg pardon?
Milo: I will run in the back, bonk one of them with this frying pan….
Doyle: Wherever that came from….
Milo: Then I will disguise myself as one of them; pretending to be delivering food to the pilots in the cockpit….
Doyle: Uh…..
Milo: I will be like "And tonight's entrée: Fried Twinkie!" When I reach for the food, I pull out a baseball bat, smack Mandy upside the head, take control of the plane, and everything will be a-ok!
Doyle: Fried Twinkie?
Milo: What do you think?
Doyle: ……How do you fry a Twinkie?
Milo: Um……just tell me what you think of the plan….
Doyle: Whatever……
Milo: And I'm off!
Meanwhile, Bill and Karen where eating peanuts.
Karen: These peanuts are not very good.
Bill: I agree.
Karen: We need to do something about this.
Bill: I agree…
Karen: I have an idea!
Bill: Do tell.
Karen: Okay…..here's the plan….I'll run in the back…..and knock out one of the stewardesses.
Bill: What?
Karen: It'll be easy……I'll run back there…..knock out one of them with this month's issue of Highlights Magazine. Hijack the snack and beverage cart as well as her clothes, come by here. Offer 'you' some peanuts. You will grab enough for both you and I, I'll ditch the cart and the disguise and we'll have fresh peanuts in no time!
Bill: Go for it!
Karen: I will! Go Team Karen!
Bill: Team Bill.
Karen: Uh….um….Te…..Team Karen.
Bill: Team Bill!
Karen: Why the hell should it be 'Team Bill'?!
Bill: Because I have higher billing on the cast?
Karen: I came up with the plan! It should be Team Karen!
Bill: We should compromise on this.
Karen: We should.
Bill: How about…..Team Kill! It's a cross between Karen and Bill.
Karen: Hmm…..seems….too intimidating.
Bill: Team Baron?
Karen: oooh, I like that! Team Baron away!
Karen runs off.
12:20:44, Meanwhile, back at Rolando's Room.
Michelle: Man, what's taking him so long?!
Rolando walks back into the room.
Rolando: Hello friends.
Tony: HI ROLANDO!
Everyone glares at Tony.
Tony: Oh we're not greeting him anymore……man, nobody tells me anything!
Rolando: What have you decided?
Jack: Well, the thing is…….I can shoot these people……
Tony: Jack is officially off the Christmas card list.
Michelle and Audrey: Agreed!
Jack: But…..how will I know you won't release the deadly toxin….anyway?
Rolando: You have my word!
Jack: Man…….this is tough…..
Michelle: Jack, you seriously can't think about trusting this jerk!?
Jack: You're right! TAKE THIS!!!!
Jack hops up out of the chair and pull outs the gun.
Jack: HYA!
He hurls the gun at Rolando, missing pathetically. The others look at Jack dejectedly.
Michelle: Jack, that was pathetic.
Audrey and Tony: Yeah……
Jack: Hmm…….can I try that again?
Rolando: Sure!
Rolando hands Jack the gun.
Jack: Thanks.
Rolando: No prob.
Jack: TAKE THIS!!!
Jack opens fire. –CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!-
Jack: Click?!...No bullets!?
Michelle: Hmm…..
Jack: Well, I was better off going with my original plan.
Jack hurls the gun….at nobody……
Jack: He's gone!?
Michelle: Crap!
Audrey (at the window): Look!
The others join Audrey at the window; they see Rolando running across the parking lot.
Tony: Oh poodles! He's getting away!
Audrey: Hey, we can go out the fire escape!
Michelle: Let's get moving.
Michelle crawls out of one of the many broken windows. The others follow, one by one, down the fire escape and into the parking lot as well, Rolando peels out.
Jack: We need a ride, fast! Before we lose him!
A flashy pink sports car pulls up in front of the group.
Ken: Hiya Audrey!
Audrey: Hi Ken!
Ken: Wanna go for a ride?
Audrey: Sure Ken!
Audrey hops in the car, it peels off.
Jack: HEY!
Audrey (singing): I'm a Barbie girl, In a Barbie wooorld! Wrapped in plastic….It's fantastic!
Fred slams Paul's head on the desk. –WHAP!-
Paul: Oww……
Fred: How dare you use that stupid song! Get to deleting!
Paul: Heh, heh, I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!
Fred: GRR……
Rewind!
The group stops in the parking lot.
Jack: We're going to need a ride fast!
Another flashy pink sports car pulls up.
Ken: Hiya Tony!
Tony: Hi Ken!
Ken: Wanna go for a ride?
Tony: Sure Ken!
Tony hops in the car. It zooms off.
Jack: Oh cheese and rice!
Tony (singing): I'm a Barbie girl, In a Barbie woooorld. Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic!
Fred: DAMMIT, PAUL!!!
Paul: Okay, no more….
Rewind!
The group stops in the parking lot.
Jack: We're going to need a ride, fast!
They wait…..
Michelle: Oh good, I was afraid that….
The sports car pulls up.
Ken: Hiya Jack!
Jack: Hi Ken!
Michelle: ARGH!
Michelle grabs a baseball bat and starts beating the crap out of Ken's flashy sports car. –WHACK! WHACK! CRASH!-
Ken: HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Michelle: Stop….-WHACK!-…..getting….-WHACK!-……in……-WHACK!-…….our…..-WHACK!...way!
Ken: I'm going to sue you, you crazy broad!
He peels off.
Michelle (To Jack): I guess we're both getting sued.
Jack: It sucks to be us.
Tony: Look! The diaper truck!
Tony points out the diaper truck they arrived in.
Michelle: Great!...Though I can't believe I'm actually saying that.
Tony: I can hotwire it!
Michelle: Tony, you don't know how to hotwire anything.
Tony: I led quite an interesting life before I met you.
Michelle: Oh thanks, jerk!
Tony walks up to the Diaper Van….which detonates. –KABOOOOM!-
Tony: AAAACK! (He flies backward)
Michelle: Tony!
She runs toward him.
Michelle: Are you still in one piece?
Tony: Yeah, I'm good.
Tony gets back up.
Audrey: Now what are we going to drive?
Jack looks around until he notices……
Jack: We're saved!
Michelle: What?
Jack: It's the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile!
Michelle: Oh….no…….
Jack: Come on guys!
Jack busts the driver's side window of the Weiner-Mobile.
Michelle: I can't believe this……
12:25:31, back on the airplane.
Milo walks into the back cabin of the airplane.
Stewardess Amy: Hi!
Milo: Hello…..
Milo conceals his frying pan……Karen shows up in the back cabin as well.
Amy: Hi!
Karen: Hello…..
Karen conceals her non intimidating copy of Highlights Magazine.
Amy: Sorry about the slow service, I'm the only one on board. We've had several people call in tonight.
Milo: Oh, that's too bad.
Karen: Yes…..too bad, indeed.
Amy: Oh, I'll be right back.
Amy walks off.
Milo: What are you doing here?
Karen: What are you doing here?
Milo: I asked you first!
Karen: I asked you second.
Milo: I have higher cast billing!
Karen: I'm cooler than you are!
Milo: That was rude!
Karen: Listen, I need this Stewardess.
Milo: What!? No, she's mine!
Karen: Okay, what for?
Milo: We're trying to find a way to stop Mandy and save the day, what about you?
Karen: Bill and I need peanuts!
Milo: Uh…..I think our crisis trumps yours.
Karen: Nope, Team Baron will prevail. Step aside.
Amy: I'm back
Milo: Great!
Karen: Really Great!
Milo: I'm happy.
Karen: I'm happier!
Milo: Shut up!
Karen: You shut up!
Amy: Oookay. I'm going to get some snacks ready.
She turns away to load the tray with snacks and drinks. Milo raises his frying pan. Karen pulls Milo away.
Milo: URK!
Amy: Is something wrong?
Karen: Nope….nothing at all.
Amy: Oh good……
Karen folds up her magazine, raising it over Amy's head.
Karen: Steady……..steady…….
Milo: NO!
Milo tackles Karen. –CLUMP!-
Karen: No, she's mine! Peanuts are at stake!
They start wrestling on the ground.
Milo: Our lives are at stake, I…..have…..to……knock out the stewardess!
Amy: What!?
Karen: What are you going to do dressed as a stewardess? (Shoves her hand in Milo's face) –WHAP!-
Milo: OW!...Yeah, well what about you?! Why can't you just ask for new peanuts? Why do you need to knock her out?
Karen: Hmmm…..I guess you have a point.
They stop fighting, standing up to dust themselves off.
Karen: I'm sorry, Milo. I was selfish.
Milo: No need to apologize, I understand what it's like to get crappy peanuts.
Karen: Truce?
Milo: Truce!
They shake hands, Amy the Stewardess stands there not knowing what to do.
Karen: We've come to a truce.
Amy: That's good.
Karen: Can I have a fresh bag of peanuts?
Amy: Of course!
Amy hands her the bag.
Karen: And now we have decided that Milo can take the opportunity to knock you out and disguise himself in your uniform.
Amy: WHAT!?
Karen: Here you go Milo, you'll need this.
Milo: Thanks.
Milo whaps Amy upside the head with Karen's Highlights Magazine. –WHAP!- She falls to the floor.
Karen: Works every time.
Milo: Well, we got what we needed.
Karen: Go ahead and do your thing.
Karen walks back to her seat.
Bill: That took a long time!
Karen: I ran into some trouble.
Bill: Did Team Baron succeed?
Karen: Yes Bill……yes they did……
Bill: YAY!
Karen shuffles past him and sits down opening her bag.
Bill: Hey, did you get my peanuts?
Karen: Hmm….no I forgot……well, we can split these.
Bill: Okay.
Karen opens the bag and pours some peanuts into her hand, handing the remainder of the bag to Bill. –MUNCH! MUNCH!-
Karen: Hmmm…..
Bill: …..yeah…..
Karen: These aren't very good either….
Bill: …..yeah…..
Karen: Maybe it's just the peanuts.
Bill (shaking his fist): Mr. Peanut! Your days are numbered!
Karen: Nobody can escape the wrath of Team Baron.
Milo exits the backroom dressed as a stewardess, wheeling out a beverage cart.
Milo: How do I look?
Doyle: Like an idiot.
Milo: Good. This should work.
Milo walks up to the cockpit door. –KNOCK! KNOCK!-
Mandy: Who is it!?
Milo: Housekeeping!
Mandy: What?
Doyle shakes his head.
Milo: Oh, I mean…..bag of peanuts or ice cold beverage?
Mandy: Uh….I'll take an RC Cola. What do you guys want?
Pilot: Peanuts.
Co-Pilot: I'll go for a bag of chips.
Nadia: Diet Dr. Pepper.
Mandy: Ok, we'll have that.
Milo rolls on in.
Mandy: HEY! IT'S YOU!
Milo: Oh crap….
Mandy holds her gun up to the pilot's head.
Mandy: Close the door or he dies.
Milo: Uh….uh……well……try and stop the benevolent powers of Peanut Allergies!
Milo takes a handful of peanuts and throws them in Mandy's face.
Mandy: ……
Milo: Now we wait……..
Nadia shakes her head.
Mandy: I'm not allergic to peanuts, you fool!
Milo: Uh…..can you pretend?
Mandy fires her gun. –BANG!-
Milo: EEP!
Milo dives out of the cockpit.
Doyle: I take it you failed miserably.
Milo: It was a sure proof plan!
Doyle: Uh…..no it wasn't.
Milo: Okay, can you come up with something better?
Doyle looks over at one of the passengers.
Doyle: Yeah…..I can.
12:30:31, Doyle and Milo are discussing their new plan / Jack is driving the Oscar Meyer Weiner-Mobile / Chloe, Morris, Kim and Baxter are walking down a sidewalk in some neighborhood / Logan is running through a grassy field (still).
Michelle: Jack, where exactly are we going?
Jack: I don't know, Michelle…..all I know is……is that everything is going to be ok!
The Oscar Meyer Weiner-Mobile zooms by and into the sunset.
Audrey: Where did that sunset come from? It's 12:30 in the morning!
THE END.
Michelle: Uh….Jack?
Jack: Michelle, what's wrong?
Michelle: Are you forgetting something?
Jack: Uh……….no.
Michelle: We were going after Rolando…..
Jack: Oh right………well crap we have to start the show over again…..
Michelle: Oh brother….
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that goodness, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Roseanne action figures were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 18
12:00am – 1:00am 'Planes, Trains, And Weinermobiles'
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!
Fred: You have got to be kidding me.
Paul: It's the only way……
Fred: Just resume the show from where you left off.
Paul: It's out of my hands now, Paul.
Fred: Ugh….
Sam: And away we go!
Beep…..beep…..beep……beep…….bepbepbpepbepbepbpebpepbepbepbe……24!!!!
Jack: Previously on 24……
-SWOOSH-
Jack: We were driving! (JACK BAUER)
-SWOOSH-
Nadia: We're held hostage on this stupid plane. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
-SWOOSH-
Chloe: CTU is falling down! Aaaaah! (Uh…MORE OF THE COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
Audrey: The rest of the episode takes place between 12:30am and 1:00am.
Meanwhile, back in the Weiner-Mobile.
Michelle: Wow, that was really unnecessary.
Jack: Well……where to go……
Jack's phone rings. He answers it.
Jack: Hello?
Chloe: Jack, it's Chloe.
Jack: Oh hey, it's been a while since we last talked.
Chloe: Yeah, crazy……
Jack: Yeah.
Chloe: Jack, CTU has fallen apart and we've moved operations.
Jack: To where?
Chloe: Let's see, Morris managed to pull up a new location where we can hide.
Morris: Yea, dahling, even though you kicked me off of playing SUPER AWESOME QUEST!...
Chloe: Uh, Morris, the address?
Morris: Oh right, we are going to 5544 Fatbird Lane.
Chloe: Jack, you got that?
Jack: Oh….hold on Chloe, I have another call on the other line.
Chloe: WHAT!?
-CLICK!-
Jack: Yello?!
Man: Hi, may I speak to Jack Bauer?
Jack: This is him.
Man: Hi, I'm a telemarketer and I have a great deal to offer you! You are qualified to win a brand new car!
Jack: Oh boy! What do I have to do?!
Man: Listen to me talk and offer you endless specials and promotions for you to get sucked into.
Jack: Great! Hold on a moment.
-CLICK!-
Jack: Chloe?
Man: No, it's still me.
Jack: Okay….hold on….
-CLICK!-
Jack: Chloe?
Chloe: Yes.
Jack: I'm going to have to let you go, I have a telemarketer on the other line.
Chloe: WHAT?! You're cutting me off for a telemarketer?!
Jack: Yeah, he's offering me a free car….
Chloe: Jack, that's a steaming pile of….
Jack: Okay, we'll be there at CTU after I get my free car.
Chloe: Ugh….
Jack hangs up. Chloe, Morris, Kim and Baxter are walking down some neighborhood.
Morris: Okay, it's just around this corner.
Kim: Finally, my feet are killing me.
Kim thinks for a second, than plops down on Baxter.
Baxter: AAHH! What are you doing? I'm not a horse!
Kim: Oh come on…..
Chloe: Are you sure this location will work, Morris?
Morris: Oh course dahling.
They reach a house.
Chloe: This place doesn't look so bad.
Morris: Okay, in the backyard we go.
Chloe: The….backyard……
Morris: We have to be quiet, don't want to wake anybody.
Chloe: Morris, people live here?!
Morris: Well, duh!
Chloe: What are we going to do?
Morris: Just follow me.
The four of them walk into the backyard, stumbling upon a….
Baxter: ….a tree house?
Chloe: You have got to be kidding me…..
12:35:02, back on the plane.
Doyle walks up to the door to the cockpit, he knocks. –KNOCK! KNOCK!-
Mandy: What now?
She leans up against the door.
Mandy: What do you want?
Doyle: Uh…..there's someone here who wants to see you.
Mandy: Who?
Doyle: Uh……..Look, it's Tom Cruise!
Mandy: Really?!
Mandy flings the door open……and yet….no Tom Cruise.
Mandy: Hey! I've been duped! That's it….
Mandy cocks her gun, she sees Milo (in disguise) raising his hand.
Milo: Miss! Can I have some peanuts?
Mandy smiles and saunters over to Milo, sitting next to him.
Mandy: Hi there…..
Milo: Hi……
Mandy: Are you a photographer? I love photographers!
Milo: Uh…..yes I am…….
Mandy: Can I see your pictures?
Milo: Uh…..yes!
Milo pulls out his photo album.
Milo: This is a collection of my best work….
Mandy flips through some pages……
Mandy: Uh…….
She flips through some more of the pages, then looks on the cover of the book which clearly reads 'The Cat In The Hat By: Dr. Seuss'.
Milo: Uh……
Mandy (giggling): Nevermind that, follow me…..
Mandy grabs Milo's hand and leads him to the back.
Milo: Uh oh…..
Doyle: Yes!
Doyle gets up and runs into the cockpit.
Nadia: Doyle! What happened to Mandy?
Doyle: She's 'preoccupied'. Pilot guy, land this plane now!
Pilot: Okie Dokie!
The plane starts to slowly turn around to return to the airport.
12:40:44, at a train station.
Logan tries to cover his face as he walks into the lobby of the station. In the crows of people, he sees Martha Logan.
Logan: Hello Martha.
Martha: Charles.
Logan: I really appreciate this.
Martha: Whatever, Charles. I can't believe I'm actually helping you…..after what you've done!
Logan: Oh, come on Marti, give me a break! I'm a changed person…..seriously!
Martha: I don't know….
Logan: Listen, last time we saw each other, all I wanted you to do was to call the friggin Suvorov's, and you stab me in the neck!
Martha: I was doing the world a favor.
Logan: But come on, I really didn't deserve that…….seriously!
Martha: You know what, I don't think I can help you after all; you need to go back into police custody.
Logan: Oh, I don't think you'll want to do that, Martha.
Martha: ….why not?
Logan: Well, if you turn me in……I'll have to turn you in, because I know you escaped from the institution.
Martha: ……I don't know what you're talking about.
Logan pulls out the WANTED POSTER with Martha's mug on it.
Martha: Oh……about that.
Logan: So it's settled, you help me escape, and none of us has to turn the other one in.
Martha: That's kinda…..blackmail, isn't it.
Logan: Sort of, but either way…….
Martha: ……I really don't want to go back there……ok, I'll help you…..but don't try anything funny.
Logan: Promise….
Martha: Okay….here's our tickets. Let's get on board.
Logan and Martha walk past the ticket counters and board the train.
12:44:11, Logan and Martha are sitting down in their seats / Jack runs a red light in the Weiner-Mobile / Chloe, Morris, Kim, and Baxter are setting up things at CTU-Tree House / Milo busts out of the restroom and Mandy pulls him back in.
Milo: EEE!
Meanwhile, in the Weiner-Mobile…..
Michelle: Jack, you just ran a red light……
Jack: We'll be fine…..
(The police lights appear in the rearview mirror) –WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!-
Jack: Hmm……
Michelle: Oh great.
Jack: Don't worry Michelle; I have this under control….
Michelle: That's what I'm worried about.
The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile pulls over to the side as the following police car does the same, the officer steps out of the car and approaches Jack and friends.
Officer: Hello….
Jack: Hello officer, was I speeding?
Michelle rolls her eyes.
Officer: You ran that red light back there….
Jack: Oh, whoops!
Michelle: Uh, Jack, tell him who you are….
Jack: Shh, I got this.
Jack: So…..how much will it cost for me to get out of this?
Michelle: Jack….
Officer: Sir, I don't take bribes.
Jack: Oh…..well, can I offer you a drink then?
Jack pulls out a martini glass and a shaker.
Michelle: Oh good lord…..
Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?
Jack: No, but we can! Cheers, mate!
Officer: I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car, sir.
Michelle: Dammit!
Michelle leans over.
Michelle: Officer, this is Federal Agent Jack Bauer, we're all apart of CTU.
Officer: Show me some ID.
Michelle: Oh……ID………Id…….uh……..
Jack: Oh right, Rolando took our badges away from us.
Michelle: Crap.
Officer: Step out of the vehicle, now.
Jack: What should I do? Let's take a vote. Tony?
Tony: Run for it.
Jack: Audrey?
Audrey: uh……..I can call my dad….
Jack: Michelle?
Michelle: I hate you.
Jack: We're going with Tony's idea, bye!
Jack slams his foot on the pedal and the Weiner-Mobile peels off –SCREEEEEEEE!-
Officer: HEY!
Michelle: Jack, that was really stupid!
The officer runs back to his car, getting on a radio.
Officer: I'm going to need backup, I have a renegade Weiner-Mobile on the run!...What are you laughing at?...Shut up!
12:50:11, meanwhile on ze plane, ze plane!
Doyle: How far are we?
Pilot: We are approaching the runway now……
The plane zooms by as it comes up on the airport.
Air Traffic Controller: Okay you are clear for landing.
Pilot: Yay!
The plane touches ground, meanwhile in the bathroom.
Mandy: What the?!...HEY!...you're not really a photographer! You're that one idiot!
She pulls out a gun.
Milo: EEP!
Mandy: What the?!...HEY!...We've landed, oh crap.
Mandy bursts out of the restroom and runs up front to the cockpit, bursting through the doors. –WHAP!-
Doyle: HA! HA! I have foiled your plan!
Mandy shoots both of the pilots. –BANG! BOOM!-
Doyle: Uh…..
Mandy: You'll pay for this.
Mandy raises her gun at Doyle, Nadia kicks her in the shin. –FOINK!-
Mandy: Urgh!
Mandy tumbles as Doyle tackles her, they wrestle.
Doyle: God you're strong……
Mandy: Thanks…….
With the pilots down, the plane starts to veer off the runway, heading toward the airport.
Nadia: Uh…..guys?
Mandy and Doyle are slapping each other. –SLAPPITY!-
Nadia gets up and walks over to the pilot's seat, she 'moves him out of the way' and sits down.
Nadia: Ok...I've got to stop this thing, and fast before the screen splits down to…..
The screen starts to split down at 12:55:12…..
Nadia: Crap a duck!
Nadia is fiddling with controls / Doyle and Mandy are now thumb wrestling…whatever / The plane is zooming toward the airport / Milo closes the restroom door so he can actually use the restroom / Bill and Karen are watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer / Jack is speeding in a high pursuit chase with the Oscar Meyer Weiner-Mobile / Michelle's face is buried in her hands / Audrey and Tony are playing 20 Questions / Sherry is being operated on in the E.R / Logan and Martha are looking out the window of the train / Chloe and Morris are working on something at CTU-Treehouse / Kim and Baxter are napping.
Jack: Okay, I think I managed to lose them…….
Michelle: Oh good for you!
Jack: Oh look, we're here!
The Weiner-mobile pulls up in front of a house.
Jack (unbuckling his seatbelt): Ok, everybody out.
Jack, Michelle, Tony, and Audrey step out of the 'Vehicle' and approach the house, a sign on the fence reads 'CTU this way' with an arrow.
Jack: Uh……
Tony: Hmmm……
The group follows the sign and proceed into the backyard, where the treehouse is.
Michelle: This can't be it……
Morris hangs a sign out the window reading 'THE NEW CTU!'
Michelle: Ugh…..
They walk forward and climb the ladder into CTU-Treehouse.
Chloe: Hey guys.
Kim: Hi dad!
Jack: Hi daughter!
Michelle: Seriously, a treehouse?!
Audrey: It is kinda cozy in here.
Chloe: It's Morris' fault, but we have to make the best of it I guess.
Baxter: It does seem really familiar…..I can't put my paw on it……
Jack looks out the window, where a young boy exits onto the back patio.
Jack: EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Chloe: Jack, what the hell is wrong with you!?!
Jack points nervously out the window.
The others crowd around the window.
Baxter: -Gasp!- IT'S HIM!
Michelle: Who?
Jack: Billy The Psycho!
Chloe: WHO!?
Audrey: Who's Billy The Psycho?
Michelle: Jack, I'm confused.
Morris: Oh, dahling, I know who that is!
Jack: That's the little tyrant that made me watch Full House this morning when I was kidnapped!
Chloe: My head hurts….
Jack: He was also working in cahoots with Ima Mole when she blew up CTU this morning too!
Chloe (Sarcastic): Well I tried to warn everyone. "Oh her name's IMA MOLE!? That doesn't sound suspicious at all. OH WELL!" (Walks off)
Audrey: Do you think he knows we're here?
Jack: Nah!
Billy looks up at the 8 people crowding his treehouse.
Billy: HEY!
Tony: Jack, I think we've been spotted…..
Jack: Don't worry, just stand very still……
Chloe: Jack, he's not a dinosaur! He can probably see us in the gaping hole in this stupid treehouse!
Jack: Chloe, are you negative about everything!?
Chloe: Hmph!
Back on the plane.
Doyle and Mandy are now arm wrestling.
Doyle: I……must……win……
Mandy: Over……my…..dead……body!
Nadia: I don't know how to stop the plane, we're going to crash!
Doyle and Mandy get up, they bicker over the controls.
Doyle: It's this button!
Mandy: No it's this one!
Nadia: Hurry up already!
Doyle: We can just turn the plane.
Mandy: I don't know…..
Doyle: You don't know!? You know, for a terrorist, your not very well prepared.
Mandy: I'm not a terrorist.
Doyle: WHAT!? Yes you are!
Mandy: Am not!
Doyle: Am too!
Nadia: HELLO!? Airport up ahead!
Doyle and Mandy glance forward, the airplane runs itself through a giant glass window of the airport. –BIG CRASH SHATTER!!!!!!!-
Doyle, Mandy, and Nadia go flying forward. –WHAP!-
Doyle: ACK!
The plane is halfway through the airport, people are running around in a panic, screaming.
Doyle: Oh…..my head…..
Mandy: Ouch…….
Bill enters the cockpit.
Bill: I just want to tell you both 'good luck'. We're all counting on you……
He leaves……
Doyle puts his head back down…….
12:59:57
12:59:58
12:59:59
1:00:00
NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24!!!!
-SWOOSH-
A terrorist enters the treehouse.
Terrorists Hubert: HA! HA! I have come to kill you now!
Jack holds his sword up in the air.
Jack: I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!
Chloe: No you don't'…..
Jack: Chloe, what did I tell you about being a Negative Nancy?
Chloe: A WHAT?!
-SWOOSH-
Doyle: Chloe, it's Doyle, Mandy has escaped. I repeat 'Mandy has escaped!'.
Doyle falls out of the plane.
Doyle: AIIIIEEE!!!! –SPLAT-
Karen hits her 'Call Button'.
Karen: Miss! More peanuts, please!
-SWOOSH-
Jack and the gang are held hostage in a warehouse.
Rolando: I have you now, Mr. Bauer. My accomplices will make your deaths slow and painful, ha!
Suddenly, The Weasels From 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' drive in.
Jack: What?
The weasels get out and open up a mysterious barrel.
Michelle: Oh my god, It's DIP!!!!!!!
Tony: What now?!
Bill: I read that laughter can kill them! So all we have to do is make them die laughing…..
Michelle: Hurry Jack, take your clothes off!
Jack: That was extremely rude and uncalled for!
Michelle: I thought it was rather humorous myself……
Chloe: Must….kill……the writers…….
24 CONTINUTES WITH AN ALL NEW HOUR, NEXT WEEK……beep……beep…….beep……beep…….beep…….beep……..