Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that great goodies, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No cast members from 'Step By Step' were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 19
1:00am – 2:00am 'Carnivale'
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!
Fred: Welcome to another thrilling episode of 24.
Sam: This episode has been brought to you by the letter H.
Fred: What?
Sam: That's…..what the show has…..been brought to them by……
Fred: What are you talking about? The letter 'H'? What the hell does that mean, anyway?
Paul: This show has also been brought to you by the number 12.
Fred: -Groan-
Big Bird, Elmo, Bert, and Ernie walk into the writer's room.
Fred: Uh…..
Big Bird: What the hell do you think you're doing!?
Paul: …….uh……
Elmo: Yea! Elmo doesn't like copyright infringement!
Fred: uh….How…..did you get in here?
Big Bird: We've been watching your little 'Show' you have going on here, and we're tired of you ripping off everything.
Fred: What are you talking about?
Big Bird: Well, we've seen you make your Rainbow Brite, Barbie, Brady Bunch, and references to god only knows what else. But you leave Sesame Street alone…….or else!
Fred and Paul look at each other.
Fred: Or else……..what?
Elmo: We're going to mess you up!
The writers fall over laughing.
Paul: HA! HA! HA! HA!
Big Bird: ………
Fred: Heh, that's rich.
Sam: Tee hee!
Big Bird: That's it! Okay men……grab em!
Fred: WHAT!?
Elmo grabs Paul, Bert grabs Ernie.
Big Bird: Uh……..
Bert: Oh right….sorry.
Bert grabs Fred, Ernie grabs Sam.
Fred: What are you going to do to us!?
Big Bird: Teach you guys a lesson!
Fred: Great.
Big Bird: Take them away!
Fred: ACK! You can't do this! Don't we have security or something!?!
They leave as Big Bird walks around the writer's room.
Big Bird: '24' will now be under my control, MWA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Meanwhile, the writer's are being dragged down the halls of the FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!
Sam: What are we going to do?
Fred: Hell, I don't know…..
Paul: Initiate Opening Title Sequence!
Fred: Oh, shut up……..
Beep……beep…….beep…….beep…….bepbepbepbepbepbepbepbpebpepbe……24!!!!
Bill: Previously on 24……….
-SWOOSH-
Mandy: Fly this plane now!
She leaves, Doyle enters.
Doyle: Land this plane, now!
Pilot: AAAAH! I don't know which one to do!
Doyle: Oh geez….. (MIKE DOYLE AND FRIENDS)
-SWOOSH-
Milo: I have to knock out this stewardess in order for us to take the plane down!
Karen: Bill and I have to get fresh peanuts! So I need to knock her unconscious!
Amy The Stewardess: Uh…..do I get a say in any of this?
Milo and Karen: NO!
Amy: okay……… (AMY THE STEWARDESS WHO IS ABOUT TO GET KNOCKED UNCONCIOUS BY……)
Karen: Her Royal Highness….. (KAREN HAYES)
Karen: That's right!
Milo: Ugh….. (MILO PRESSMAN)
-SWOOSH-
Michelle: We have to get out of here!
Jack: I have an idea. (JACK BAUER)
Various horses jump out the window and kill themselves.
Jack: That didn't work……
Rolando escapes and flees off.
Audrey: He's getting away.
Jack: Not if I can help it.
The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile zooms by. (THE OSCAR MEYER WEINER MOBILE)
-SWOOSH-
Chloe: Jack, its Chloe. CTU has fallen apart, Sherry is hospitalized, Logan in gone, and we've moved operations into someone's tree house. This night has officially turned to crap. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
Jack: On our way!
-SWOOSH-
Jack: Where did you find this place?
Morris: I 'Google-d' it.
Jack: Good for you.
Michelle: Hey, who's that?
The group crowds around the window of the tree house and see Billy The Psycho Kid enter the backyard.
Jack: Zoinks!
Billy: HEY! (BILLY THE PSYCHO KID WHO KIDNAPPED JACK WAY BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON AND FORCED HIM AGAINST HIS WILL TO WATCH ENDLESS EPISODES OF 'FULL HOUSE' WHICH DAMNED NEAR KILLED HIM)
Jack: Amen to that, brother.
Michelle slaps her forehead. –SMACK!-
-SWOOSH-
Doyle: This isn't over….
Mandy: No, it's not……
Doyle: It ends tonight…..
Mandy: It does…..prepare to be destroyed.
Doyle and Mandy proceed in playing an extremely intense game of Candyland!
Nadia: What are you guys doing!? We're going to crash!
Doyle: You know, I forgot how to play this….
Mandy: It's friggin Candyland! It's not that hard, Yeesh!
The airplane crashes into the airport, the Candyland board goes flying.
Doyle: Oh well, that's okay, I have Scrabble!
Nadia: Oh crap, anything but that!
Doyle: Who said you were playing?
Nadia: Rude!
People are running around the airport screaming.
Chloe: The following takes place between 1:00am and 2:00am
People are running around the airport screaming….still. Meanwhile, back on the plane, Mandy wakes up after being unconscious for 10 seconds.
Mandy: I have to get out of here, now's my chance!
Mandy gets up and stumbles out of the cockpit, she steals a bag of peanuts from the snack cart while making her way to the back of the plane. She reaches in an overhead compartment to grab a bag. Reaching the exit, she opens her bag pulling out explosives to line the exit door with. After arming the door, Mandy reaches over to a side compartment and pulls out a bomb arming it.
Mandy: It's a good thing all these things were on the plane already. I would've never got it past airport security!
She pulls out a black jumpsuit and puts it on, followed by a helmet and some goggles. With the explosives ready to blow, the holds a type of detonator in her hand, set to explode the C4 stuff outlining the door so she can escape. She presses the detonator…….
-KABOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!- Confetti flies everywhere!
Mandy: What the hell!?
She looks over at the bomb that reads 'Party Bomb'.
Mandy: Oh, dammit! They put in the wrong bomb!
Doyle wakes up and notices Mandy is gone.
Doyle: Uh oh.
He bursts out the door and sees her swarming in a sea of confetti. He runs to the back of the plane, grabbing a bag of peanuts off the snack cart.
Mandy: Oh, screw this!
Mandy gets up and opens the door; she jumps for it, splatting on the runway. –SPLAT!-
Mandy: Ow….
She manages to get herself back up, and walks around for a bit. She notices a man driving a luggage cart.
Mandy: Uh…..HEY!!
The man pulls over to her.
Mandy: Can you give me directions to….
She knocks him unconscious, throwing him out of the vehicle.
Doyle: Mandy! Stop! Don't run away!
Mandy: Yeah, right!
She hops in and drives off.
Doyle: Dang……oh, I guess I can go check on Nadia.
He heads back in.
Karen: That was a terrible flight.
Bill: It sure was……
Milo: Yeah.
A man approaches Milo.
Photographer: Those are my clothes, jerk!
Milo: I don't know what you're talking about.
Photographer: GRR!
The man grabs Milo and drags him to the back.
Milo: EEK!
1:05:12 CTU2…..or is it 4……I lost count.
Michelle: What are we going to do about this kid?
Jack: I know, we'll kill him!
Baxter: Works for me…..
Michelle: No, no….we can't do that……
Billy enters the tree house, fuming.
Billy: What are all you people doing here?!
Chloe: Uh……
Billy (to Jack): Aren't you the guy I had held hostage yesterday morning?
Jack (wearing a fake mustache): Nope, don't know what you're talking about.
Chloe (ripping it off): Take that off… -RIP!-
Jack: Ow…..
Billy (to Baxter): And aren't you the dog I used to have?
Baxter: Don't remind me….
Billy: Either way, get out or I'm telling!...Just kidding……I'll just kill you all.
Morris: Confident little runt, isn't he?
Michelle: Listen, we are in the middle of a major operation, we just need to use your tree house just for a little bit.
Chloe: Michelle, don't trust him! He worked with Ima Mole!
Billy: Uh……who?
Chloe: Oh, stop pretending you forgot!
Billy: I was brainwashed!
Chloe: You are so lying!
Billy: Am not!
Chloe: Are too!
Billy: Am not!
Chloe: Are too!
Michelle: Enough! Listen, can we please use this…..place…..we'll be out of here in no time.
Billy: What do I get out of it?
Michelle: Whoever we bring in you get to torture personally.
Billy: Allright! You guys can stay. However, I want to be up here with you guys as well.
Chloe: Uh….
Michelle: Whatever, we just need to find Rolando.
Billy: I can help!
Billy leaves the tree house.
Michelle: Ooookay. Anyway, has anybody heard from Bill and Doyle, or Nadia and Milo for that matter?
Chloe: Before CTU collapsed, Milo went to go take Karen to the airport, Nadia went after him because he forgot his phone and we never heard from her again.
Michelle: Okay, get Doyle on the phone.
Michelle looks out the door of the tree house to see Billy dragging someone across the backyard; he throws him up against the fence. –WHAP!-
Terrorist Ed: Traitor! What do you think you're doing?!
Billy: Where is Rolando!? –SMACK!-
Terrorist Ed: I won't tell you!
Billy: Very well…..MOM!!!! Where's my TV?!
Mother: It's in the garage, sweetie!
Billy: You'll talk…….
Billy runs off.
Jack: Uh oh, I know that look. Hide!
Jack hides under a desk.
Billy wheels out a television set and pops a tape in.
Terrorist Ed: Uh….what are you doing?
Billy: Trying to get you to talk…..
Hanna Montana starts playing on the TV.
Ed: AAAHHHHH!!!! Anything but that!
-TV-
Hanna Montana: Oh, I love being a super star singer! I'm rich, beautiful; Billy Ray Cyrus is my dad. Life is super swell!
Weird Friend: Is that your…..final answer?
They both laugh.
Terrorist Ed: MY EYES!!!!! Okay……I'll tell you……….he has a secret hideout at the Circus a few miles north of the highway. He's there now…..
Michelle: Wow…..he's good.
Jack: Whatever.
Billy climbs back up to the tree house.
Billy: There you go.
Michelle: Thanks!
Jack: Okay, we need to get ready to go to this Circus place. Chloe, you're deathly afraid of clowns, so you better go with me.
Chloe: Great, thanks. (Rolls eyes)
Jack: And…….Tony and Michelle.
Tony: YAY!
Michelle: Fine. But remember guys, we're not there to play.
Jack: Yes we are.
Michelle: Jack! No we're not.
Jack: Okay.
Michelle turns around. Jack nods his head 'Yes' to Tony. He grins.
Michelle: Jack!
Jack: What?!
Michelle: We're on business!
Jack: Fine, fine!
Michelle turns back around. Jack holds up a sign reading 'We're going to play at the circus! YAY!' Tony smiles. Michelle shoots back around as Jack flips the sign over reading 'I 'heart' Michelle'.
Michelle: Hmph!
Jack: Okay, team let's go!
Jack, Chloe, Tony and Michelle leave.
1:15:23, Jack and the others steal Billy's mother's car / Doyle and the other's are sitting in the airport terminal while paramedics are running about / Logan and Martha are riding in the train / Audrey chills in at CTU with Kim and Baxter while Morris is randomly typing.
Doyle is sitting with Nadia, Milo, Bill and Karen. His phone rings. –RING!-
Doyle: Doyle.
Michelle: Mike, it's Michelle.
Doyle: Yes?
Michelle: We have a lead on Rolando that Jack and I are heading toward.
Tony: What are we, chopped liver?
Chloe: Pretty much.
Michelle: CTU has collapsed and has moved their location. Get a hold of Morris for the address.
Doyle: Okay, is Sherry there?
Michelle: She's in the hospital.
Doyle: Ah….
Michelle: Oh, and get Karen on a plane back to D.C to keep her safe.
Karen: Being the most important cast member, that is a priority!
Milo: Oh shut up!
Karen: You shut up!
Milo: GRR!
They start slapping each other, making Bill spill his nachos.
Bill: Oh great, thanks a lot.
Michelle: Put Bill on the phone.
Doyle hands Bill his phone.
Bill: Hellooo?
Michelle: Bill, you are now appointed as director of CTU.
Bill: Hooray!
Michelle: You, Nadia, and Milo go ahead and head back to the tree house when Morris gives you the address.
Bill: Tree house?
Doyle grabs the phone.
Doyle: Okay, we'll get on it. –CLICK-
Michelle: Uh….I wasn't done talking, jerk!
Doyle: Okay. Karen, I'm going to escort you to a plane to get you back to D.C. Because I'm sure Noah and Tom are pretty peeved about not getting any screen time these past few episodes.
Bill: And Nadia, Milo, and I will head back to CTU.
Doyle: Sounds like a plan, now I just need to get CTU's new address.
Bill: Does anyone have a napkin; I have nacho cheese all over my pants.
Milo: Because of Karen!
Karen: Oooooh, you'll pay for that!
The start slapping each other again, making Bill spill his Coke on himself. –SPLASH!-
Bill: Man, I should probably just get new pants.
1:20:33, on the train.
Charles and Martha Logan are sitting across from each other.
Logan: So……how are you?
Martha: Fine…..I guess.
Logan: Great…….so………how did you escape?
Martha: The neglected to put bars on my bathroom window.
Logan: Idiots.
They both chuckle.
Martha: What about you?
Logan: I guess when CTU blew up yesterday morning the people putting it back together didn't know what they we're doing…..
Martha: Oh well….
Logan: Where is this train going, anyway?
Martha: You know, I never bothered to check.
Logan: Oh well, I don't care. Just as long as it takes me far away from here.
They both sit there when Logan notices someone in the next cabin who looks familiar.
Martha: What's wrong?
Logan: There's a man up there…..he looks familiar……I can't put my finger on it though.
Martha reads the newspaper, turning to the comics.
Martha: Oh, Marmaduke, you're so crazy……a lot better than Apartment 3-G or Mary Worth, those aren't funny at all.
Logan: They're not meant to be.
Martha: Oh.
Logan: I got it! That's Harry Love!
Martha leans over to look.
Martha: The President Of Australia? Are you sure?
Logan: I'm pretty sure; I don't know the woman who's with him though.
Martha: -Gasp!- Charles, you don't think that Australian President Harry Love is having an affair do you?
Logan: I don't know, Martha, maybe.
Martha: We should ask.
Logan: WHAT!? You don't ask someone that!
Martha: Why not?
Logan: You would honestly walk up to a man and ask 'Excuse me, are you cheating on your wife?!'
Martha: It's the polite thing to do, Charles.
Logan: No it's not. That's probably not him anyway.
Martha: I don't know, Charles that looks like secret service with him.
Logan: I know, go find out.
Martha: Are you sure?
Logan: Yeah. But don't ask him if he's having an affair.
Martha: Oh all right.
Martha gets up and walks over to the next compartment.
1:25:01, Billy's Mom's Car pulls up to the entrance of the Carnival.
Jack: There's nobody here.
Michelle: Well, yeah, it's almost 1:30 in the morning.
Jack: Oh.
Chloe: God, I hate these things.
Jack: Come on Chloe, I'll try to win you a stuffed bear!
Michelle: Remember Jack, we're not here to play…….is that a cotton candy stand?
Jack: It is.
Michelle: Oh, I love cotton candy!...No, we have work to do.
Jack: Come on, Michelle, he's not going anywhere. He doesn't even know we're here.
Tony: And look Michelle, Ski Ball!
Michelle: Aw, I love Ski Ball…….well; I guess one game won't kill us.
Jack: That's the spirit!
Meanwhile, someone is spying on the group with binoculars. The man gets up and runs into a nearby shack.
Man: Mr. Callahan, we have company.
Rolando: Is it Bauer?
Man: Yes.
Rolando: You know what to do…..
Man: Yes……..actually I don't.
Rolando: Are you serious? We went over this a hundred times!
Man: Sorry, I must've forgot!
Rolando: Ugh…..
1:30:12 Jack, Tony, and Chloe are throwing balls at milk jugs / Bill, Nadia, and Milo are driving back to CTU / Doyle is escorting Karen to a helicopter / Logan is watching Martha talk to who he thinks is Harry Love.
Doyle: Okay, Mrs. Hayes, Buchanan, or whatever you're going by. This helicopter will take you back.
Karen: To Washington D.C. Won't that take forever?
Doyle: No, it's a really fast helicopter.
Karen: Oh, that's good then.
Doyle heads off as Karen boards the helicopter.
Pilot: I'll be right back, Mrs. Hayes, Buchanan, or whatever. I have to run to the restroom.
Karen: Have fun.
Pilot: Oh, and I'm going to set you up on videophone, the President wants to speak with you.
Karen: Oh goody.
The pilot sets up the videophone for her before heading out of the plane. Noah appears on screen.
Noah: Karen, it's good that you're safe.
Karen: I'm glad I'm safe too.
Noah: Uh….right. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize.
Karen: For what?
Noah: For not believing you earlier, when you tried to warn us.
Karen: Huh?
Noah: Before the press conference.
Karen: I'm not following.
Noah: Geez. You said you received a call from David Palmer…..
Karen: Oh right. Then you didn't believe me and I knocked out a maid and pretended to be her then got kidnapped then worked at IHOP got thrown in a prison, escaped with CTU, got held hostage again…
Noah: Yeah, we don't need a recap.
Karen: Well fine.
Noah: Just, with everything that has happened today, I should've believed you.
Karen: So you do believe that David Palmer called me!
Noah: No…..because that still doesn't make any sense!
Karen: Then…..why are you calling me?
Noah: To wish you a good flight.
Karen: Thanks………David.
Noah: No problem…..
Noah rips off his mask to reveal himself as David Palmer………WHAT?!
Fred: You are not bringing David Palmer back!
Paul: Please?! He's the only decent president we've had, and one that has lasted more than 1 season.
Fred: How's that?
Paul: Well, first we had David Palmer, who was great but resigned after season 3 and got shot in season 5. Then Prescott took over and then got blown up in a plane, then Logan took over and he was evil, then Wayne took over but got blown up while giving a speech, who is now comatose, then Rolando took over and he's evil, then Ronald took over and got shot by Robot Sherry Palmer…
Fred: Enough, we don't need a recap.
Paul: Well fine.
Fred: Where the hell are we?
Paul: Remember, we were captured by the denizens of Sesame Street at the beginning of the episode.
Fred: Are you serious?! We're still in that stupid subplot?! Give me a break!
Big Bird: HEY! No talking back there!
Fred: Ugh……Just……re-do it.
Paul: Fine.
Noah: Whatever, see you when you get back here.
Karen: Okily-Dokily Neighborino! Say hi to Tom for me.
Tom: What, do I not get any lines?!
Noah: You get that one.
Tom: Ugh…
Noah: And that one…..
Karen turns off the videophone.
Karen: Where the hell is that pilot?
1:35:04, Back at Morris' Castle…..
Baxter: Morris' Castle?
Morris: Yes, I changed the name. It's much better in my opinion.
Baxter: You know, that isn't going to fly when Chloe or Michelle get back.
Billy The Psycho: Yeah, I've only been a part of the group for 30 minutes and even I knew that.
Morris: Well, Chloe and Michelle aren't here, now are they? I'm in charge now, dahling. (He sticks his tongue out) So…….pppppppbbbbbbttttt!
Baxter: Dude! Stop spitting, you're getting germs everywhere!
Morris: By the way, kid, that reminds me. You don't have any soap in your tree house bathroom to wash my hands with.
Billy: What's soap?
Baxter: OH THAT'S JUST GREAT! (Cringing) Ooooh, the germs…….the germs…….I feel icky……
The phone rings, Morris picks it up.
Morris: O'Brian.
Chloe: Morris! I just got a confirmation call from UPS on my cell phone saying they couldn't find the address to Morris' Castle!
Morris: Oh, it's really easy to find. If they just take the side road down….
Chloe: That's not the point! Change the name back to CTU, or at least something not incredibly stupid!
Morris: How about Chloe's House Of Eternal Doom and Suffering!?
Chloe: It has a nice ring to it, but forget it! Just change it back to CTU….
Morris: Fine, bye dahling.
He hangs up.
Baxter: Well…..
Morris: She loves it….
A car whizzes around the corner and stops in front of a house.
Bill: This looks like it.
Nadia: This is where CTU is located now?
Bill: I followed Morris' instructions. Let's check it out.
Bill, Milo, and Nadia get out of the car and walk up to the front door of the house.
Bill: I thought we were looking for a tree house? Oh well.
Bill reaches for the doorbell when Milo slaps his hand away. –SMACK!-
Bill: OW! What the hell did you do that for?
Milo: You can't just go on ringing people's doorbells at (looks at watch) almost 2:00 in the morning, people could be asleep!
Bill: This is a matter of national security!
Nadia and Milo: It is?
Bill: We need to get to CTU and stop Rolando Callahan from hurting any more innocent animals!
Nadia: I beg your pardon?
Milo: Well, it's rude to wake up whoever is in there!
Bill: Then what do you suggest?
Milo: You throw a stone at their window to get their attention.
Nadia: I think waking up the residents of this house is a little better than damaging their property, Milo!
Milo: Watch!
Nadia: Milo, you can't throw a rock up there!
Milo: Oh you're just bitter about what happened last time.
Bill: What happened last time?
Nadia: Forget it.
Bill: No! (Whines) I wanna know! Cooome oooonnn…….. (Jumps up and down)
Nadia: Oh fine, roll the flashback.
-FLASHBACK-
Nadia is asleep in her bed, with her My Little Pony comforter…..which is just disturbing.
Nadia: It's comfortable, jerk!
Suddenly, there's a tap at the window. –TAP!-
Nadia: Hmm? Oh well, it's probably nothing.
-TAP!...TAP!-
Nadia: Hmm…..oh well, I guess I can see what it is…..
Nadia slowly gets out of her bed to investigate the mysterious tapping at her window.
Nadia: Hey…..someone is tossing a rock at my window…..oooh, how romantic!
Nadia opens the window.
Nadia: I have opened this window, my prince charming!
Suddenly, a gigantic boulder comes flying through the window, crushing Nadia. –SPLAT!-
Nadia: Uuuuugh…..
Milo: Whoops!
Milo was standing outside with several workers and his Medieval Catapult.
Worker: Shall we load another one, sir?
Milo: No, we better skedaddle…..I fear my days are already numbered after this stunt. Run for it!
They haul……
-FIN-
Bill: Was he trying to ask you out for a date or something?
Nadia: Actually he misplaced his 3 Musketeers and for some odd reason he thought I would know where it was.
Bill (slightly kicking the ground guiltily): The 3 Musketeers that was lying next to the copy machine?
Nadia: Yeah, that was it…..HEY!
Bill: Uh….ringing doorbell!
-BING! BONG!-…..
Bill: ….
Nadia: That boulder hurt, you know…..
Bill: Yeah, well we all have problems, Nadia….
Nadia: Hmph!
The door opens, Billy's mother stands there.
Mother: May I help you?
Nadia: Um….hi I'm Nadia Yassir…..
Bill: And I'm Captain Fantabulous! Destroyer of Evil, Bringer of Peace!
Nadia shoots him a confused look.
Nadia: What the hell are you doing?!
Bill: I decided it would be best to use an alias. So we don't blow our cover….
Nadia: We're not under cover, stupid!
Bill: Oh…….she's Captain Fantabulous. (Pointing to Nadia)
Nadia: Ugh….
Mother: May I help you?
Nadia: We are from CTU….
Mother: C….T…U? Never heard of it…….
Bill: We were trying to find…..(he looks at a sheet of paper)…..Morris' Castle.
Nadia: What?
Mother: Hmmm…..sounds like something my son would come up with. He's in the backyard up in his tree house with some friends that look old, like her……but not as old as you…..
Nadia: HEY!
Bill: Why thank you. I do look quite good for 27, don't you think, Nadia?
Nadia (gritting her teeth): You are not 27!
Bill (to the mother): Jealously is a terrible thing…….it can cause crow's feet!
Nadia: You have grey hair!
Bill: It's platinum, my dear.
Nadia: God, I hate you!
Mother: Well, he's in the back. Bye!
She closes the door.
Nadia: All that and we could've just broke into the back yard.
Bill: It's common courtesy. This way, grandma!
Nadia: AND STOP CALLING ME 'GRANDMA!'
A rock bonks Nadia in the head.
Nadia: Milo! I'm going to kill you.
Milo is standing off to the side with his Medieval Catapult and his workers.
Milo: Crap! I hit Nadia again! I'm in trouble now!
Worker: Shall we load up the boulder, sir?
Milo: No! Haven't you learned anything from last time!?
Worker: No….
Milo: Well, neither have I. READY……AIM………..
Bill opens the fenced gate into the backyard and proceeds on through as Nadia gets squashed by another boulder. –SPLAT!-
Nadia: BLLLECK!
Milo: Damn! I suck at this.
Bill walks though the back yard and up the ladder into the tree house.
Morris stops him at the door.
Morris: The password?
Bill (smiling confidently): I'm the director now; I don't need a password!
Morris: Oh crap, that's right. Go on in……
Bill walks into 'CTU' and sees Audrey, Kim, and Baxter.
Bill: Well, this is depressing.
Audrey: Thanks, we love you too…..
Milo (with bandages from Nadia-beatings) and Nadia (with…..boulder……marks?) enter CTU as well.
Bill: Try to pinpoint Jack's location and send backup as soon as possible. We can't let Rolando get away, I don't know how much more beauty sleep I can lose.
Nadia: Feh!
Bill turns to Billy.
Bill: Uh…..
Billy: Hi!
Bill: Uh…..
Billy: Why are you staring at me like that?!
Bill: What….is…..that!?
Billy: Hey!
Morris: Oh, dahling, this is the kid's tree house. He's letting us use it until we find somewhere else to play.
Bill: Well, he can't stay.
Billy: Why not?!
Bill: Because you're a kid! Begone!
Kim: Hey! I'm a kid too!
Baxter: No you're not!
Kim: Yes I am!
Audrey: Yeah, Kim, aren't you 30-something by now?
Kim: WHAT!? I most certainly am not!...I'm a perky 17 year old innocent girl with hopes and dreams for the future!
Baxter and Audrey try their best to keep from laughing.
Kim: Shut up……
Billy: My tree house, I stay!
Bill: You can't be up here! Shoo! Shoo!
Billy: You'll pay for this…….dearly……
Billy The Psycho storms out of the tree house, fuming. Morris and the others look at each other nervously.
1:40:12, Meanwhile, at The Carnival Amusement Circus Park…..
Tony and Michelle are standing at the 'World's Strongest Man' game.
Michelle: Okay, Tony. The object of the game is to take the giant hammer….
Tony: What giant hammer?
Michelle (sighs): The one in your hand….
Tony: Oh….
Michelle: And 'hit' the target as hard as you can. And get the little thing to go all the way to the top and hit the bell. If you win……you win something!
Tony: Sounds good.
Tony swings the hammer down as hard as he could.
Tony: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! –SMASH!-
Michelle looks at Tony.
Tony: How did I do?
Michelle: Uh……pretty bad.
Tony: I did?
Michelle: Yeah, Tony……you didn't hit the target……you weren't even close.
Tony: Hmm…..
Tony pulls out his gun and shoots the bell. –BANG!...DING!-
Michelle tenses up as Tony holsters his gun.
Tony: Yay! I win!
Michelle: Tony! What are you doing? If you go around shooting things we might get spotted.
Tony: Oh……..
Michelle: Well…..you win that giant stuffed bear.
Tony: Yay!
Tony runs over and grabs the bear, handing it to Michelle.
Michelle: Aw….thanks Tony.
Tony: Okay, my shoes are tied! Thanks for holding that for me….gimme!
He jerks the stuffed bear out of Michelle's hands. –YOINK!-
Michelle: HEY!
Tony: Kidding…..kidding……
Michelle: Hmph…..Okay…..let's go see where the others are at.
Tony and Michelle are walking through the deserted amusement park.
Tony: You know, if there's nobody here. Why are we playing the games for prizes? Can't we just….take them?
Michelle: Now what would be the fun in that?
Meanwhile, Jack is ready to throw a ball at the target….with Chloe in the dunk tank.
Chloe: Jack! I really, really, don't want to do this. The water looks very cold…..
Jack: Steady………steady…….
Chloe: Jack! Are you listening to me!?
Jack: Ready…….aim……
Chloe: JACK!?
Jack: HYA!
Jack hurls the ball…..missing terribly.
Chloe: Whew!...Okay Jack, fun's over. I think we need to…..
Another ball whizzes past the target.
Chloe: EEP! Jack, stop it! I want out of here!
Yet another ball whizzes by.
Chloe: Jack, for the record, you throw like a girl. But besides that, let me out of here!
Jack: Oh, screw this…..
Jack walks up and presses the target with his hand. Chloe gets dumped into the icy cold water.
Chloe: AHHHH!! COLD!!!! EEEEE!
Jack: Man, I hate how these games cheat you…….
Meanwhile, back with Tony and Michelle.
Tony: Where the hell are they?
Michelle: I don't know…..they should be around here somewhere?
A gunshot rings through the air, a bullet barely missing Tony. –BANG!-
Tony: EEEE!
Michelle: What the?!
Tony and Michelle spot a guard aiming at them.
Michelle: Crap! Rolando must know we're here!
Tony: You know, I never had an Indian Taco…..I wonder if they're any good…..
Michelle: We don't have time for that.
Michelle searches herself…..
Michelle: Dang, I must've left my gun in the car…..or the Oscar Meyer Weiner mobile….
Tony: I have a gun.
Tony slowly reaches for his gun, aiming it at the shooter.
Tony: Do you feel lucky……punk!?
Michelle: That was lame…..
Tony pulls the trigger……AND NOTHING HAPPENS!
Michelle: What?!
Tony (yelling in her ear): HE SAID "NOTHING HAPPENS!!!"
Michelle: Ow…..dammit Tony! You have no bullets.
Tony: Yeah, I have 1.
Michelle: You 'had' 1.
Tony: No 'have'.
Michelle: 'Had'.
Tony: 'How'?
Michelle: 'HOW'?!
Tony: 'Who?!'
Michelle: Shut up! You 'had' 1 bullet, and then you shot the ringer to win me the bear…..
Tony: Well, it was my bear…..
Michelle: Forget it! Just run before we get killed…..
Tony: About that….
Michelle: MOVE!
Michelle grabs Tony and they bolt across the emptiness of the park into a nearby building. The shooter walks calmly after them.
Michelle: We should be safe in here….
Michelle turns around to see a hundred visions of Tony before her.
100 Tonys: HI MICHELLE!
Michelle: Oh god, what was in that cotton candy!?
Tony: Isn't this cool Michelle? There are mirrors everywhere.
Michelle: Oh…..it's the 'House Of Mirrors'……oh wait….I hate these……
Michelle steps forward before smacking into her reflection. –SMACK!-
Michelle: Ow……
Michelle's Reflection: Watch where you're going! (Storms off)
Michelle: Okay, now I'm losing it…….
Chloe climbs out of the dunk tank trying to dry herself off.
Chloe: I'm going to kill you one of these days, Jack.
Jack: That's our Chloe! HA! HA! HA!
The Studio Audience laughs.
Chloe (looking around, confused): Where's that coming from?!
Rolando's voice sounds over the P.A speaker.
Rolando: Mr. Bauer….so glad you could join us.
Jack: He's getting away!
He turns to a group of Superheroes behind him.
Jack: Ready, JUSTICE LEAGUE!?
Batguy: My legs hurt…..
Blunder Woman: I have bunions!
Spider Dude: My nose is cold!
Jack: God, you people suck! Well, Chloe I guess it's up to us.
Chloe: Super….
Jack: Come back here!
Jack runs off towards the Ferris Wheel.
Chloe starts to walk off before a clown steps in front of her.
Chloe: EEP!
Bozone The Clown: Hey there little girl; would you like a stuffed animal.
He pulls out a switchblade knife. –SHINK!-
Chloe: AAAHHH!
Chloe knees the Clown 'Where It Really Hurts' and takes off running the other way.
Clown: URG……(He falls to the ground).
Chloe is running as fast as she can through the park. She looks around before taking refuge in a nearby building.
Chloe: Whew…..
Tony: Hi Chloe!
Chloe: Oh, hey Tony.
She turns around.
Tony: Hi Chloe!
Chloe: Uh………
Chloe slowly spins around to find hundreds of Tonys surrounding her.
Chloe: Ugh, this is nauseating….
Michelle: Chloe! Are you okay?
Chloe: Yeah…..where are you…..I'm trapped in these stupid mirrors…..
Michelle: So am I….
Tony: I'm not!
Michelle: Shut up, Tony. Yes you are.
Chloe, Michelle, and Tony walks around trying to find their way out, bumping into their reflections. –BUMP!...BANG!...CRASH!-
Chloe: Ow, dammit……
Michelle: Okay Michelle, you can do this…..
Michelle places her hands on the mirror and slowly guides herself through the maze.
Tony: Uh….Michelle?
Michelle: Not now, Tony. You're breaking my concentration.
Tony: Michelle?...I think there's someone else here…..
Michelle: Huh?
Michelle turns around to see the shooter right behind her.
Michelle: ACK!
He points his gun and pulls the trigger. –BANG!...SHATTER!-
Michelle: Huh?
The mirror in front of her shatters into a million pieces.
Michelle: That was close…..
Gunshots followed by shattering mirrors start being heard. –BANG! BANG! CRASH! SHATTER!-
Chloe: Who the hell is doing that?!
Michelle: It's one of Rolando's hitmen, we have to get out of here.
Tony: MARCO!
Shooter: POLO!
Michelle: Oh, for crying out loud.
Chloe is feeling around the mirrors in a panic for an exit.
Chloe: Come on…..come on.
The mirror in front of her breaks. –CRASH!-
Chloe: AHH!
She turns around and runs smack into another mirror.
Chloe: OOF!
Tony: You guys! I found the exit!
Michelle: Get help or something.
Tony: Aw, but I wanted to get a corn dog on a stick!
Michelle: TONY!
Tony: Oh fine….
Tony turns to run before being stopped by Bozone The Clown.
Tony: Oh biscuits!
The clown holds up an AK-47 machine gun at Tony.
Bozone: Say hello to my little friend….
Tony: Oh, now that was lame…..oh crap….
Tony runs back into the hall of mirrors.
Tony: Michelle, Chloe, hit the floor, now!
They all drop down to the ground as Bozone lets loose a barrage of bullets into the house of mirrors; billions of shards are flying everywhere. –KASHATTER!-
Chloe (pieces falling over her): ACK!
Tony: Man, this guy is going to have bad luck forever…….
The shooter (the first one) gets shot and falls to the ground next to Chloe.
Chloe: Oh!...
She quickly crawls to the downed gunman and grabs his pistol. Managing to squirm her way to a clear shot of the clown, she pulls the trigger. –BANG!-
Bozone: Urk……..(He collapses)
Chloe: Whew……
Michelle and Tony get up in the empty room now filled with shards of broken mirror.
Tony: Well, this thing is much easier to navigate now……
Michelle rolls her eyes.
Tony: Hey, where did Jack go?
Chloe: Oh crap, he ran after Rolando to the Ferris Wheel!
Michelle: We better get moving…..
Tony: Can we still stop by the corn dog on a stick stand?
Michelle: Fine, whatever.
Tony: Cool!...
1:50:23, back on the runway.
Karen is still sitting in the helicopter….
Karen: Geez, that pilot sure has been in the bathroom a long time…..
Karen starts to move when she hears people talking.
Karen: Hmm……time to be……sneaky…..
She grabs a nearby glass, wherever that came from, and holds it up to the side of the helicopter so she can hear the conversation more clearly…..what?!
Man 1: So…..did you kill the chopper pilot?
Man 2: Yeah……Good thing his clothes fit me.
Karen: EEP!
Karen gasps, before shoving a Fig Newton in her mouth. –MUNCH!-
Man 1: Will the Homeland Security Woman know?
Man 2: She shouldn't. But don't worry…..I'll take care of her….
Karen: Double EEP!
Man 1: President Love should be back in the city by now. I hope he gets Bauer for what he did yesterday?
Karen: Triple EEP!
Man 2: Uh…..what did he do again?
Man 1: He killed the Australian Consul.
Man 2: Oh right……man, he's really bad at that…..
Man 1: Oh well……I'm not worried; the person he is going to take hostage will have Jack running right into his trap…….
Karen: Oh no! This is terrible…..I'm missing Wheel Of Fortune!
Karen hurriedly makes her way over the pilot's seat onto his side of the chopper where the man can't see her. She opens the door, sliding out very carefully.
Karen: Uh…..
Karen drops to the runway. She looks around, not knowing what to do next.
Karen: I have to warn Bill! But……how do I get out of here?
She takes off running down the runway as the screen splits down at 1:55:03. Karen is running as fast as she can / Doyle gets on a bus back to 'CTU' / Jack is looking around the Ferris Wheel for Rolando / Chloe, Tony, and Michelle are on their way to the Ferris Wheel as well. Tony, eating his corn dog on a stick / Bill is on the phone while Baxter, Morris, Kim, and Audrey are playing Uno / Milo and Nadia are looking up something on the computer / Logan is reading a magazine, as Martha finally gets through talking to the mysterious man. She heads back to her seat / Tom and Noah are watching 'Bringing Down The House' / Sherry is still being operated on at the hospital.
Karen stops by the side of the road.
Karen: I have to get a taxi……oh! I know!
She rolls up one of her pant legs to show off some 'leg'.
Karen: TAXI!
A taxi cab zooms by, losing control as it flies off the nearby bridge. –CRASH!...SPLASH!-
Karen: Well, that didn't work. I guess I'll try it the old fashioned way.
Karen (flailing her arms): TAXI!
Another cab stops by. She gets into the back seat.
Driver: Where to?
Karen: …….Take me to CTU!
Driver: The Counter Terrorist Unit?
Karen (sarcastically): No, Morris' Castle. Of course The Counter Terrorist Unit!
Driver: Right!
The driver hits the accelerator as the cab peels out.
Back at 'CTU'.
Bill: So Jack has tracked down Callahan at an amusement park, huh?
Morris: Right, dahling. (Turning back to the game)…..Draw Forty!
Audrey: FORTY!?
Baxter: I never did like this game…….
Kim: GIN! (She lays her cards down)
Morris: That's not how you play, dahling!
Nadia stands up.
Nadia: What's that smell?
Baxter: Something……burning?
Bill: Oh crap.
Bill and the others rush to the window, as Billy is on the ground laughing.
Billy: Burn, suckers! Ha, ha, ha!
Bill: Oh, that little weasel!
Kim: Mr. Buchanan, the tree house is on fire!
Bill: Grab as much stuff as you can!
Morris: I got a keyboard!
Milo: I got a mouse!
Audrey: I got this CD of 'The Best Of Pink Floyd'.
Bill: We're set! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!
They run out of the tree house as it starts to collapse. –CRASH! SIZZLE!-
Back at the Carnival Amusement Park Fun Land.
Jack: Damn…..he must've got away.
He gets on his phone as someone shoots it out of his hand. –POW!-
Jack: YIKES!
Jack sees Rolando and starts to chase after him. Rolando boards one of the Ferris Wheel carts, pulling the lever on his way.
Jack: Crap!
His car rotates upward as Jack dives into another car. He climbs out on top, using the white metal railing to climb upward.
Rolando: Man, this guy is nuts.
Jack: Just…….a little bit……more…..
Rolando looks around for Jack.
Rolando: Hmmm…..
He turns around to Jack's foot slamming him in the face. –WHAP!-
Rolando: ACK!
He falls down as Jack pulls out his gun.
Jack: It's over, Callahan.
Rolando: Far from it, Bauer. It's only a matter of hours before the deadly toxin will be dumped into the city's water supply. And everyone will die…..as well as it will make today's Water Festival turn to ruins.
Jack: UGH! You were serious about that?! Man, you villains can't ever give a guy a break!
Rolando: Well……
Jack: It doesn't matter. I'm taking you in…..and we'll stop the…..water…..toxin…..dumping…..thing….or whatever just in time. I save the day; we go on with our lives for about 4 years until we start the cycle all over again. That's how it works here on the show.
Rolando: Guess again…….
Jack suddenly feels something sharp hit his buttocks. –SHOINK!-
Jack: YELP!
Jack spins around to see another guard holding a tranquilizer gun.
Jack: Oh….that……stinks……..oooooh…..everything keeps spinning……uuuuggghhhh….
Jack collapses in the cart as Rolando grins. The cart stops at the bottom as Rolando climbs out.
Rolando: Take Bauer and throw him into the van….
Gunshots ring out again as the guard falls to the ground. –BANG!-
Rolando: ACK! Dammit…..hey, someone get Bauer on the friggin van.
Two other guards hop out and grab Jack's unconscious body, dragging him away. They throw him inside before hopping in themselves, taking off.
Michelle walks up; she kneels to the downed guard.
Michelle: Okay, get up. You did good, Tony.
Tony rips off his mask as he gets up. Chloe approaches the two of them holding an electronic device of some sort.
Michelle: We're lucky you where able to put a tracking device into that tranquilizer bullet, Chloe.
Tony: We're luckier that your pockets were big enough to hold this type of technology.
Michelle rolls her eyes.
Chloe: Yeah……with this we can head back to CTU and plan our strategy. We have to hurry though; the signal will die off in 20 minutes…..
Michelle: Let's move.
They turn around and run back to the car.
Meanwhile, back on the Train.
Logan: …..well!?
Martha: ….well what?
Logan: What did you find out?
Martha: That they were lovely people.
Logan: Did you get their names?
Martha: Oh yes. The woman is Princess Zelda, and the man is Super Agent Secret Squirrel.
Logan: THOSE NAMES ARE FAKE!!!
Martha: What?
Logan: That man is Harry Love! He's lying about his identity! Which is stupid because everybody should know who he is……
Martha: Then who is the woman with him…..?
Logan: I don't know……
In Love's cabin, Harry pours himself a cup of coffee.
Harry: Coffee?
Marilyn Bauer looks up from the magazine she is reading.
Marilyn: Yes, please…….
He pours the coffee into her cup as she stares out the window of the train.
1:59:57
1:59:58
1:59:59
2:00:00
Big Bird is on the phone as Paul, Sam, and Fred are tied up.
Big Bird: Yes…..demolish the CTU set and replace it with a Candy Store. And make this week's episode emphasize on the aspect of 'Sharing' and 'Caring For The Elderly'.
Fred: Oh barf…..
Big Bird gets off the phone. He approaches the group.
Big Bird: '24' is under my complete control.
Fred: Fine! I don't care. Just let us go!
Big Bird: Um…….no.
He walks off as Fred's head drops.
Fred: I can't believe we're still being held hostage by friggin Big Bird!...But not to worry, we can still get out of here……
Paul: Oh my god; is that Grover?!
Sam: And look, Cookie Monster!
Paul: Wow, I am star struck.
Fred (sighing dejectedly): ugh……..I……can still get out of here…….
NEXT WEEK: ON AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24…..
The writers are still held hostage by the residents of Sesame Street.
Fred: Of course!
Paul: Sharing rules!
Fred: SHUT UP!
But enough about them…..WITH 5 EPISODES LEFT IN THE SEASON……ALL THE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED……HOEFULLY.
Chloe: 'Hopefully'!?
-WHERE THE HELL DID MARILYN BAUER COME FROM?-
Jack: I thought she was dead!?
Chloe: Yes, our wonderful 'CSI's' came to that stupid conclusion back in episode 6! Good going….
Tony: I could've sworn she was! I mean...she died in every possible way! Shot, stabbed, strangled…..whacked upside the head with a bedpan……
Michelle: We probably shouldn't quit our day job….
Tony: ….as Country Western Singers?!
Michelle: Uh….no. At CTU…..moron.
Tony: Oh…..
-IS ROLANDO GOING TO GET AWAY?-
Rolando: I would hope so……
-WHAT IS HARRY LOVE'S INVOLVEMENT WITH THIS?-
Harry: Like I'm going to tell you!
-RUDE……AND FINALLY…..WHAT FOOD ARE THEY GOING TO SERVE AT THE LOS ANGELES WATER FESTIVAL?-
Tony: Funnel Cakes!
Bill: Onion Rings!
Kim: ….water?
Milo: Karen's Famous Green Bean Casserole!
Nadia: Milo, for the last time….she doesn't know how to make that!
Milo: Then why is it so famous?
Nadia: …..hell, I don't know……..
24 CONTINUES WITH AN ALL NEW HOUR, NEXT WEEK…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep….