Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that happy stuff, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No candy corn was harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!
The 24 Parody Project
Episode 23
5:00am – 6:00am 'It's The Great Pumpkin, Jack Bauer'
AT FRED'S HOUSE.
Fred is sitting in his living room.
Fred: Ah, I love Halloween. It's so much fun!
His doorbell rings.
Fred: Oooh! Trick or Treaters!
Fred walks to his front door grabbing a bowl of candy on his way. He opens the door to find….
Fred: Oh crap…..
Paul: Hi Fred!
Sam: Hola!
Fred: Please tell me you're not….
Paul: Trick or Treating? Heck yeah!
Fred: Uh, no. That's not what I meant….uh……Are you dressed as Jack Bauer?
Paul: I sure am! You see, Sam? I told you he would get it!
Fred: That's just awful…..(Looking at Sam) And what are you supposed to be?
Sam: I'm Kiefer Sutherland!
Paul: I think you did a good job.
Sam: Thanks!
Fred: How the hell are you Kiefer Sutherland?!
Sam: What do you mean? Don't I look like him?
Fred: That's completely stupid! You look like Jack Bauer!
Sam: Well…..they share some qualities. But I don't see how they're related…
Fred: HE'S THE ACTOR THAT PLAYS HIM!!!!
Sam: What?
Fred: AAAAARRRRGH!...Calm down Fred……-Whew-…….anyway, why aren't you guys a little old to be 'Trick or Treating'?
Paul: Yeah, you're never too old to Trick or Treat!
Fred: Uh…..huh…..yeah, well. See you at work.
Paul: Hey, aren't you going to give us any candy?!
Fred: Oh, fine.
He puts some Granola Bars in their sacks.
Paul: Uh…..
Sam: I love Granola!
Paul: Not that we're not grateful…..but…..don't you have something……that……doesn't suck?
Fred: What?
Sam: He means actual candy.
Fred: Uh….no?
Paul: Hmm, oh well. I guess we have enough candy as it is.
Fred: People actually gave you candy. That's rich…..
Paul: I think we can call it a night.
Fred: Yeah, we have a lot of work to do tomorrow. We have to write out 24's Season Finale…..
Paul and Sam look at each other.
Fred: Oh come on! Don't tell me you already wrote it without telling me?
Paul: Uh……..sorry. We didn't mean to write it without you. It was an accident.
Fred: YOU DO IT EVERY WEEK!
Paul: Oh, right….
Fred: Ugh….. (He closes the door).
Sam: Hey, we didn't get any granola bars!
Paul: And with that I shall ring this doorbell again…….Press!
Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…….bepbepbepbpebpebpebpebpepbepbpebpepbepbepbe…….
Paul: Hmm…..What a strange sounding doorbell…
Sam: I think my Butterfinger bar has staples in it…………ow……it does……oooh, that smarts……
Beep…..beep……beep……beep……bepbepbepbepbepbepbepbepbepbep…….24!!!!
Jack: Previously on 24….
-SWOOSH-
Chloe: This is the address that Jack was tracked to.
The house explodes. –BOOM!-
Tony: EEK!
Michelle: I don't see Jack here, even pieces of him. I think this was a trap.
A helicopter shows up and opens fire. –RATATATATATATA!-
Karen: I think you be right….
-SWOOSH-
Bill: Karen, it's Bill, I'm in prison.
Karen: Sucks to be you.
Bill: Uh, can you come…..you know……rescue us?
Karen: Oh, sure! We're on our way!
Michelle: Swell… (MICHELLE DESSLER AND FRIENDS)
-SWOOSH-
Bill: Morris, who are these people! They're eating my food. You know how I don't like that…
Morris: They're just guests. It's a party, relax! It's not like we're going to get arrested.
The doorbell rings.
Cop: It's the police!
Morris: Whoops…. (BILL BUCHANAN AND FRIENDS)
-SWOOSH-
Mandy: Come with me.
Marilyn: But I don't wanna!
Mandy opens the door to find presumably dead Adam Logan.
Adam: Hi!
He hits her upside the head.
-SWOOSH-
Adam: I want my money.
Rolando: Well, there isn't any!
Adam: That sucks.
Jack: Marilyn, I have a plan to get out of here. We have to follow this plan. Operation 'Grab a toilet seat and knock out a guard'. (JACK BAUER)
-SWOOSH-
Noah: Tom, I got off the phone with Karen, making your near death experiences in the forest looking for her completely in vain!
Tom: Oh, how lovely.
Noah: Now we can get some sleep.
Tom: We have to go to the Presidential Breakfast!
Noah: You have got to be kidding me! (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)
-SWOOSH-
Sherry (On the phone): CTU has been rebuilt?...That's wonderful. We'll be on our way there shortly. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)
Nadia: Michelle, where are you guys?
Michelle: We have to go rescue Bill. We have important information about Rolando Callahan…
-SWOOSH-
Jack: Why is George Mason here?
Sherry: He's 'Death'.
Jack: Oh.
Nadia: Jack, we got a lead on Harry Love.
Jack: Ok, Doyle, get a team ready. We leave in 10 minutes.
-SWOOSH-
George (on the phone): So if I take this guy with me, it'll release my contract with these other losers……great, who is it?
George picks up Jack's photo out of the fax machine.
George: Come on, this guy is Jack Bauer, he doesn't die…ever! –Sigh-…..
Morris: The following takes place between 5:00am and 6:00am.
The Assault Helicopter flies through the early morning skies in Los Angeles towards the oddly named Azkaban Correctional Facility.
Michelle: Why is it named that?
Chloe: I don't know. It just is…
Karen: How are we going to break in and rescue Bill?
Michelle: I'm not sure. Judging by the marquee I doubt they'll just let us in….
Chloe: I might be able to pull up some schematics for the building. Hold on….
Chloe leans over and picks up her laptop. She opens it to find….
Chloe: Oh crap….my computer has a virus! Aaah!
Computer: Warning! You're Computer Has Been Infected With The Nina Myers Virus! Bwa! Ha! This program has performed an illegal operation and will be followed by the 'Blue Screen Of Death'. Toodles!
Chloe's laptop explodes. Whip cream splatters all over her face. –SPLOOK!-
Chloe: Ugh….the hell?
Tony: Yeah, sorry Chloe. That was my fault. I tried downloading Super Awesome Quest: Online and it just messed it up!
Chloe: Fine time to tell me this information now, Tony!
Tony: Sorry….
Chloe: The Nina Myers Virus?! God, won't that woman just go away! Yeesh……man, stupid whip cream. I got it all over my face…..
Karen slowly raises her finger to Chloe's cheek.
Chloe: Don't even think about it…
Karen's finger backs off.
Meanwhile, at Azkaban Prison.
Bill has his hands clenched around the bars in his cell. Morris and Baxter are playing Battleship.
Morris: I-33
Baxter: Go fish….
Morris: What?
Baxter: Go fish…..
Morris: Dahling, its Battleship, not 'Go Fish'…
Baxter: Oh….
Morris: Your turn.
Baxter: N-41
Morris: Bingo!
Baxter: Huh?
Morris: What's wrong, dahling? That's how you play the game…
Baxter: I don't think so….
Bill (to the Security Guard): …..Psst!...Hey!...Psst!...Pssssst!...Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…….
Guard: WHAT!?
Bill: Oh nothing…..
Guard: What do you want?
Bill: No, it's no biggie….
Guard: Seriously, what do you want?
Bill: Well, I was wondering since I was in here and all, if I get a free phone call….
Guard: You already got your phone call!
Bill: No I didn't.
Guard: Uh, yeah you did.
Bill: Nope, I'm sure of it!
Guard: Geez, okay, come this way.
The guard opens the cell door and escorts Bill to the phone. He picks it up and dials a number.
Back on the copter, Michelle answers the phone.
Michelle: Dessler.
Bill: Bill, its Michelle! I'm calling from the prison…
Michelle: Huh?
Bill: I'm calling you to give you the building schematics for the so you can plan our escape.
Guard: WHAT?!
Bill: Uh….I said, I'm holding a tea party for the Queen….so bring your best hat with you?
Guard: Oh come on, you didn't even try to cover that up.
Bill: Do you have to stand so close?
Guard: Well, I guess not. But make it snappy.
Bill: Great, thanks. (Back on the phone) Now Michelle, when you get here…What were you arriving in again?
Michelle: A Helicopter.
Bill: Good, you'll stick out like a sore thumb. Anyway, you will land the copter at the heliport at the east end of the building. When you get to the door, the pass code is '135'….
Michelle: How do you know that?
Bill: That's how they brought us in. I have a keen sense of memorizing things! Now, get in and take the first left and you'll get to our cell. Good luck.
Bill hangs up.
Guard: Are you done now?
Bill: But….don't I get a phone call?
Guard: You just got off the phone!
Bill: No I didn't.
Guard: YES YOU DID! I just saw you hang up the phone.
Bill (plugging his ears): La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Back at CTU, Jack is downstairs in the CTU Food Court. Audrey and Kim are eating food. –MUNCH!-
Kim: Hi dad!
Jack: Hey, Kim. Audrey.
Audrey: Hey Jack.
Jack: What are you guys up to tonight?
Audrey and Kim look at each other.
Kim: It's been a long day……very long.
Jack: Well, you two relax here. I have to go get rid of the bad guy and resolve everything; and I better hurry too because it's almost been 24 hours before this whole mess started!
Kim: We'll be fine.
Doyle enters the food court.
Doyle: Jack. We're ready.
Jack: Good. Let's swing by the 'Cell Block Department'.
Doyle: Meh?
Jack: I need to speak with Charles Logan.
Doyle: Feh?
Jack: I need to see if he has any more information that could help us with either Callahan or Love.
Doyle: Bleh?
Jack: And maybe….just maybe…..he can help us.
Doyle: uh……what?
Jack: Let's roll.
5:05:11, back in the CTU ACTION ROOM!
Nadia: Action Room, huh?
Milo (jumping up): YAY!
Milo's outburst sends Nadia flying out of your chair. –WHAP!-
Nadia: Ow….What the hell are you so excited about?
Milo: We got our morning shipment!
Nadia: We get shipments?
Sherry shrugs.
Milo gleefully runs to the door and greets the deliveryman with a big box.
Milo: Signing…..and…..done! Awesome, thanks!
Milo takes the box and carries it for the total of 2 feet, dropping it with a thud. –THUD!-
Milo: Nadia, hand me one of those box knives.
Nadia tosses it to Milo. He catches it and starts stabbing the box incessantly. –SHUNK! SHUNK! SHUNK!-
Nadia: Uh, Milo? You run the knife across…..
Milo: Like this?
Nadia: Yes Milo…..very good. (Rolls eyes)
Milo: Costumes!
Nadia: I beg your pardon?
Milo: They sent us costumes…
Sherry: That has to be a mistake.
Milo: Nope, it's for us…..oooh, this is gonna be fun.
Sherry: Great……
Nadia: I'll be quitting now.
Sherry: ….
At the White House.
Noah and Tom are sitting at the Presidential Breakfast. Not much going on here….
Noah: This is boring, what are we doing here?
Tom: Uh…..well, we are…..trying to…..uh….
Noah: …..
Tom: Okay, I have no idea why we're here.
Noah: Well, find out. I'm tired, Tom. This whole staying up for 24 hours business is for the birds!
Tom: Well, if I may remind you, you did take a short nap a few hours ago.
Noah: That doesn't count. Just find out why we're here.
Woman: Hello, Mr. President!
Noah: Hello…
Woman: You know what this is all about, right?
Noah: Uh……
He nervously looks at Tom.
Noah: Yes I do!
Woman: Great.
The woman grabs a microphone.
Woman: Everybody, I'm glad you joined us for this extremely early celebration…
Applause…. –CLAPPITY!-
Woman: Welcome to the Early Breakfast Presidential Inauguration Ceremony.
Noah: Uh….
Tom: Okay, hmm…..
Woman: Well, you're the longest surviving President this season, so we might as well make it official!
Noah: I'm not expert. But I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to go like this….
Tom: I'm sure it's a new procedure, nothing out of the extraordinary.
The woman walks up.
Woman: Okay, Mr. President. I need you to put on this Ceremonial Robe.
Noah: Uh, what now?
Woman: I need you to wear this robe while we dance around you singing the Inauguration Song.
Noah: That's ridiculous!
Woman: Are you going to be this nation's president?
Noah: Well, yes….but….
Woman: With all do respect sir; we have guidelines to abide by….
Noah: I suppose.
Woman: Where is the first lady?
Noah: There…..kinda….isn't one…..
Tom: Well, there could've been Lisa Miller…..but we won't touch that one….
Noah: That would be nice.
Tom: Yeah.
Woman: Hmm….okay, Mr. Lennox. You will have to fill in. Put on this Swedish Dress…
Tom: Dress?
Woman: Yes.
Tom: I'm not wearing a dress. I refuse!
Woman: But you have to.
Tom: No I don't.
Woman: Uh….yeah you do.
Tom: No.
Woman: Yes!
Tom: No!
Woman: Yes!
Noah: Just do it Tom.
Tom: GAH!
Meanwhile, at Logan's holding cell.
Logan: You want me to what now?
Jack and Doyle are standing outside Logan's prison cell.
Jack: Logan, I need to know if you have any information about Harry Love or Rolando Callahan before we head out.
Logan: I might, I'm not telling you anything unless…..
Jack: You can come with us to confront Love. We can try to use you as bait.
Logan: Okay, I'll tell you what you want. But I want Immunity for all my actions in the past.
Jack: Nope, you can come with us!
Logan: I don't want that, I want Immunity.
Jack: Nah, Immunity is really annoying and inconvenient; especially for us good guys.
Logan: Well, duh. That's why all the villains ask for it whenever we're cornered.
Jack: Stupid laws……
5:10:12, Back at the Prison. The helicopter lands at the heliport.
Michelle: Strange, you would think there would be some alarms going off or something.
Chloe: I've scanned the exterior of the complex and yeah….oddly enough there aren't even any guards out here or anything. I guess the coast is clear….
Tony: Okay team! Let's go!
Tony hops out of the helicopter.
Michelle: Who made him boss all of a sudden?
The rest of the group piles out of the vehicle and sneak around to the east wing of the facility. They approach the door.
Chloe: Okay, let's see how hard it'll be to get in here.
Karen grabs the handle and opens the door.
Chloe: Great, now I feel even more uneasy….
The group proceeds inside and down the hall. They approach yet another door.
Tony: And this door should be just as easy to open.
Tony reaches for the handle which electrocutes him. –ZAP!- He flies back a couple of feet.
Tony: YEOWCH!
Chloe: Swell. Okay, all I need to do is hook up this decoder and…..
Guard: Hey, who's there!?
Chloe: EEP!
Michelle: Hide!
Chloe and Michelle run off, Tony and Karen fail to get away.
Guard: You two! Hold it right there.
They freeze.
Karen: Dang, they caught us…..
Tony: Well, uh…you see, kind sir….we….
Guard: Are you two The Talent Show Coordinators?!
Tony and Karen exchange looks.
Both: Yes, yes we are.
Guard: Excellent. It's not much longer to show time! You guys are late! Come with us.
Tony: Uhhh……
Michelle and Chloe peek around the corner.
Michelle: We should probably save them.
Chloe: Probably……
Back at CTU. Jack, Doyle, Logan, and some unimportant extras as backup. George steps in their way.
George: Jack.
Jack: George.
George: I just want to tell your group…good luck.
Jack: Way too suspicious….
George: I mean, I just want to say you are doing a smashing job. Put er there, pal….
George extends his hand. Jack slightly squints suspiciously.
Jack: Okay, I suppose a friendly handshake couldn't hurt anything, it's not like I'll die…..Initiating handshake.
Jack reaches his hand out…..
Sherry: Jack!
Jack: Yes! (He walks off)
George: Damn!
Sherry: Oh nevermind, I forgot.
George slaps his forehead.
Milo: Can we wear the costumes now?
Sherry: Oh about that. I got a call from Division….
Milo: AHHH!
Milo runs and jumps out the window. –CRASH!-
Milo: Oh right, we're on the first floor.
He climbs back in.
Sherry: Anyway…..Unfortunately, Division told me about the costumes, and that they are actually our work uniforms.
Nadia: Uniforms?! AHHHH!
Nadia runs and jumps out the window. –CRASH!-
Bob The Window Guy: I'm getting tired of fixing this window! Quit it!
She climbs back in.
Sherry: Well, enough of that. Go ahead and put these on.
Milo puts his Werewolf costume on.
Nadia: What the hell is that?!
Milo: These costumes are awesome!
Nadia: You can't expect us to actually work in these things!
Sherry: Rules are rules, Nadia.
Nadia: Oh, please! You're Sherry Palmer; you do nothing BUT break the rules.
Sherry: Hmm….you're right. But you might as well put these on anyway. No point in wasting them.
Nadia pulls out her Raunchy Nurse Outfit.
Nadia: I should've seen this coming.
Milo (Wolf): Great let's do some pointless computer work!
Sherry (putting on a Tall Marge Simpson Blue Wig): These are a little silly….whoa….losing balance….
Sherry falls over. Nadia groans.
Somewhere else, there's a knock at the door. Opening….
Bouncer: Mr. Australian President.
Harry Love: Hello. I….hope I'm not too late.
Bouncer: Not at all. Your costume is over there.
Harry: I don't recall there being a costume…
Bouncer: It's a Halloween Party, sir.
Harry: It's Halloween?
Bouncer: Uh….sure. Come on in…..
Harry walks in and grabs his 'Grim Reaper' costume.
Harry: Hmm…..
5:15:23. Audrey and Kim are eating their food / Tony and Karen are being escorted down the prison hallways / Jack, Doyle, and Logan are driving / People are dancing around Tom and Noah as part of the 'Ritual of Presidential Acknowledgement'.
Noah: I am officially convinced that this is not how they do things.
Meanwhile, at one of Rolando Callahan's many hideouts, Adam Logan and Mandy The Assassin Without A Last Name, are in the bathroom….bathrooming!
Mandy: What does that mean?!
Adam: Okay, Mandy. Are the explosives ready?
Mandy: Sure.
Adam and Mandy arm the prison door with explosives. Adam readies the detonator.
Adam: Okay, stand back.
They step away from the door as Adam presses the shiny red button. –BOOOM!-
Adam: That went well.
They step outside to find the guards down from the blast.
Adam: Even better than expected. Let's go, my dear…
Mandy: I'm not your dear….
Adam: Oh……
Meanwhile, back at CTU's Food Court.
Audrey: Those were some really good burgers.
Kim: Yeah, for being made out of Squirrel Meat they weren't half bad.
Audrey: Yeah…..made form what!?
The Manager approaches them.
Manager: I need to talk to you ladies.
Audrey: Oh the food was great and the service was wonderful.
Manager: Well, that's good and all. It's just that you never paid for your food.
Audrey: I…didn't know we were supposed to.
Manager: Oh nice! So you just get free food huh? I guess the world likes Free Counter Terrorism Service as well!
Audrey: Uh….that's kinda completely different…
Manager: Hogwash. Now you two will have to work off your tab. In the kitchen….
Kim: BUH!? Kim don't understand!
Manager: Get to work! Your costumes….er….uniforms will be supplied.
Kim: Ewww.
Kim and Audrey follow the Manager behind the counter at 'Happy Burger'.
Kim: Wow. You guys have these giant novelty hamburgers! Color me 'Impressed'.
Manager: These are your uniforms.
Kim: Color me 'Going to vomit'…..
Manager: There are customers waiting. Get ready.
Audrey: How the hell are there customers?! This is a federal building for crying out loud!
Kim: This burger is really sweaty….gross……
Meanwhile, back in Prison.
Bill's cell opens. Karen and Tony enter with a box full of useless crap.
Bill: Hello, Wife!
Karen: Hello, Hus…..er….
Guard: I'm getting suspicious….
Karen: Uh….Guy who looks like husband!
Tony, Baxter, and Morris clap. –CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!-
Bill: Good cover.
Karen: Thanks husband!
Guard: Getting even more suspicious.
Karen: Well, you prison mates. We have a lot of work to do!
Tony: She's right.
Bill: What do you have planned?
Karen: We are your talent coordinators. We need to get you guys ready for the First Annual Early Morning Azkaban Prison Talent Show….
Bill: Say what now?
Baxter: I have a feeling we were better off letting someone else rescue us.
Morris: Meh…..
Karen: Okay, let's get to practicing on our act. Husband, right this way.
Guard: GRR!
5:20:11, back at CTU.
George: I have to kill Jack. There's no way around it. It's the order of life. But how to get away with it so The Powers That Be won't notice….hmm…..(snaps) Got it.
He gets up and walks over to Milo and the others, apparently doing nothing.
Nadia (to Sherry): All you add is peanut butter?
Sherry: That's it.
Nadia: Wow, how interesting.
George: Whatever. Anyhoo, Milo, can you come this way please?
Milo walks over to George.
Milo: What is it, George?
George: I may have a way to break the loophole.
Milo: What loophole?
George: Between you, Sherry, and Myself.
Milo: Huh?
George: Haven't you been paying attention to this stupid sub-plot?!
Milo: Not really.
George: Well, at least you're honest. Anyway, I have to go kill Jack.
Milo: You're going to kill Jack! WHA!?
George: Keep it down, will ya? I have to take his soul….
Milo: And do what with it?
George: Oh, you know a little night on the town. Dinner, dancing, and maybe a late night movie. WHAT ELSE DO GRIM REAPERS DO WITH SOULS!?
Milo: Uh…now you're yelling.
Sherry: You know we can hear you; you only walked like, 2 feet away from us.
Nadia: What's this about you killing Jack?
George: Good going, Milo.
Milo: I didn't do anything!
George: Well, Sherry, at lease you've been paying attention. I think I have a way to break this thing we have going on.
Sherry: I'm listening.
George: The Powers That Be sent me my next contract, and it's Jack.
Milo: Jack who?
George pulls out a gun and shoots Milo. –BAM!-
Milo: ERK! (Falls)
Nadia: Uhh….
George: Don't worry about him, he's fine.
Sherry: You can't kill Jack, George.
George: Okay, if you say so!...No, Sherry. I have to. It's what I do.
Sherry: Well…..can't you at least wait until he's solved whatever it is that he's doing.
George: This can't wait, Sherry. I must leave now. But I can't have you both following along. So….I need Milo to pretend to be…me….just for a little bit.
Milo: Yes, because if I do recall, I have Grim Reaping experience.
George: Oh, bah! Like you would call it that! Just, take these clothes. We'll trade.
Milo: But I wanna be the werewolf!
George: MILO!
Milo: Oh all right.
Nadia: Let me make sure I got this right. The omnipotent Powers That Be will destroy the world due to its imbalance if the three of you are separated due to a loophole in the contracts from the souls you were supposed to take from the already dead Milo and Sherry?
George: Yeah.
Nadia: They can tell if you guys split up?
George: Well, yeah but…..
Nadia: But they won't notice that A) You're gone. B) There are only two of them here. C) Milo's dressed as you?
George: You're right, Nadia. You are going to have to be Milo.
Nadia: WHAT?!
Milo: Careful, Nadia. Being me is not an easy task.
Nadia: That's stupid! Why can't Milo be Milo!?
George: Uh…duh, Nadia. He's pretending to be me…
Nadia: I mean, Why can't I be you?
George: Because Milo is playing me already. Besides, who will play Milo?
Nadia (shaking her fists): MILO, DAMMIT!
George: I don't have time for this. I must be off.
Nadia: My head hurts……
Back at Harry's Halloween Hideout, in the car.
Jack: Okay, we're here. Let's hit it….
The three of them get out of the car and approach the building.
Bouncer: Password?
The three guys look at each other.
Jack: uh…….The Love Boat?
Bouncer: You got lucky, go inside.
Jack: Woo hoo!
They go inside the house to find everyone dressed up.
Jack: Ooooh, a Halloween Party! My favorite.
Doyle pulls out a calendar.
Doyle: Is it Halloween?
Jack: Oh, its 24, like anybody ever knows what day of the year these episodes take place on.
Doyle: Hmm.
Jack: Okay, they have supplied us costumes. We have a 'Grim Reaper' costume…..a…..'Grim Reaper' costume……hey, all of these are grim reaper costumes.
Logan: What a rip-off!
Jack: Oh well, might as well put them on while we're here. Now remember men, we are looking for Harry Love.
Logan: Uh, didn't we have backup.
Jack: They were only contracted to appear for a few minutes.
Logan: How could I not have guessed?
Back at the Prison.
Chloe and Michelle approach another door.
Chloe: Oh man, I need a special hack for this one. This door probably leads to the control room. We can disable the alarms and break out Bill and the others.
Michelle: What do you need?
Chloe: My computer.
Michelle: Hold on.
Michelle whips out her phone and dials CTU.
Nadia (picking up): CTU Yassir….
Michelle: Nadia, its Michelle. We are at a dead end and need to hack into this door and it can only be done with Chloe's computer.
Nadia: Um…well. The tech guys kinda goofed and Chloe's computer is just a cardboard box with a hole in it.
Michelle (to Chloe): Did you catch that?
Chloe: Yes. –Sigh-…..okay, use Morris'.
Nadia walks across the floor to Morris computer. She types some stuff.
Nadia: Okay, ready.
Chloe sends Nadia the information.
Nadia: Hmm…Chloe I'm looking at this and it shows that no pass code was givin for the door.
Chloe: That's impossible.
Nadia: Oh wait…..the door is on its initial installation mode, you have to give it a code first.
Chloe: Oh for the love of snow!...okay……
Chloe presses some numbers.
Chloe: Got it.
Nadia: Now put that code in again, and you should be set.
Chloe: Okay.
A bird flies up and bonks Chloe in the head. –BONK!-
Chloe: AAH! I forgot the code!
Michelle: Now what?
Nadia: -Sigh-, hold on…….okay…..and…..its…….9.
Michelle: Go on….
Nadia: That's it.
Michelle: Man, that bird must have hit you pretty hard.
Chloe: Shut up. Okay, and….we're in the control…..
Chloe and Michelle enter, much to their horror.
Chloe: ….room?
They stumble upon the Prison Auditorium.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen may I have your attention please! Here on their world tour its 'A Little Bit Of Sunshine!'
Chloe and Michelle exchange puzzled looks as Tony, Karen, Morris, Bill, and Baxter walks on stage.
Michelle: Oh God, I can't watch this!
Chloe: I can! (She takes a seat, grabbing a handful of popcorn out of the bucket from the Prisoner sitting next to her) –CHOMP-
Tony: Okay, everybody!
Morris: Dahling, these costumes are itchy!
Baxter: Was it really necessary for me to put on a 'Cougar' costume? Just sayin….
Cherry music starts to play. The group shuffle to the left and right.
Tony (singing): I think I'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name!
Karen/Bill/Baxter/Morris (singing): I hear you now!
Tony (singing): I just can't stay inside all day; I gotta get out, get me some of those raaaays!
Karen/Bill/Baxter/Morris (singing): Everybody's smiling!
Tony: Sunshine Day!
Karen/Bill/Baxter/Morris: Everybody's Laughing!
Tony: Sunshine Day!
Karen/Bill/Baxter/Morris: Everybody seems, so happy today……
All: It's a Sunshine Day!
Someone fires a gun at the stage. –POW!-
Tony: Ahh, I don't think they liked it.
The prisoners start throwing chairs and booing.
Prisoners: BOOOO!
Karen: Okay, let's hurry up and do our next song…
Prisoners: BIGGER BOOOOO!
Chloe: Sad thing is, that this is going a lot better than I expected.
Michelle: Yeah, they could have wanted an 'Encore'.
Chloe shudders.
5:30:12. Prisoners are still throwing things while Tony and Company do The Charleston / Jack in Grim Reaper disguise, is climbing a staircase / Audrey is flipping burgers in her giant burger outfit at 'Happy Burger' / Noah and Tom are finally eating breakfast.
George arrives at the party. The bouncer stops him.
Bouncer: What is the pass word?
George: Uh…..
George runs for it.
George: Wait, I'm 'Death' I could've taken care of that brute. Oh well! Hmm….this looks like a Dress-up party. Good thing I'm wearing this stupid Wolf Costume.
On the other side of the house….
Doyle, Jack, and Logan, who were split up, regroup in the kitchen.
Doyle: Jack, did you have any luck finding Love?
Jack: Not really, I mean I'm kinda seeing Audrey, but I'm not too sure if it's going anywhere….
Doyle: I'm talking about The President Of Australia, you idiot!
Jack: You're the idiot.
Doyle: Real mature.
Jack slaps Doyle.
Doyle: Ow….Don't slap me, stupid! (He slaps Jack back)
Jack: Ouch…..Don't call me 'stupid'…stupid! (He slaps him back)
They engage in a slapping match. –SLAPPITY!-
Logan: Ladies, please! We have more important matters to attend to! Well….you have more important matters to attend to….I'm just here…..
Jack: You're right. I'm sorry.
Jack slaps Doyle.
Doyle: GRR!
Back at CTU again…
Marilyn Bauer is in the bathroom washing her face. She grunts as she rubs her arm, which is still stinging from something Adam injected her with. She stares at herself in the mirror for a couple of seconds, then leaves the restroom. Well, that's about it for CTU for now, let's see what's going on In the magical land of Corrections!
Karen, Tony, Bill, Baxter, and Morris are still getting assaulted with thrown objects. They retreat offstage.
Morris: Dahling, the stupid songs aren't working!
Karen: I knew this would happen.
Baxter: Uh….then why did we do it?
Karen: Because I'm the Talent Coordinator! I'm responsible for this disaster! Think of the reviews, they could kill my career.
Tony whispers in her ear.
Karen: Oh right……We're 'Pretending'…..okay. I have a new plan.
Bill: What's that?
Karen: We ditch the singing, and show off our acting talents!
Tony: I don't know. We're not very good actors.
Karen: …..
Bill: …..
Baxter: …..
Morris: …..
Tony: ……are we?
Karen: Of course we are!
Tony: Okay then….
Karen: Let's get out there and act our butts off! I've prepared this script.
She hands everyone a copy.
Karen: We have….no time to remember the lines. So everybody get dressed and let's go!
She walks back on stage to the endless sounds of booing.
Prisoners: BOOOO!
The others join her.
Baxter: Uh….I don't know about this script.
Announcer: And now, everyone's favorite couple and their crazy adventures. It's 'I LOVE KAREN!'
Karen walks about dusting off some stuff. Morris walks on stage dressed as an elderly woman.
Karen: Oh, Good Morning Ethel!
Morris: Ethel!?
Karen: Billy is going to be home soon from practicing with his band. I have to perform in the show with him tonight. But he insists that I'm a talent-less hack!
Morris: Oh, well…Karen, what are you going to do?
Karen: I think you mean…What are 'WE' going to do?
Morris: Oh no, Karen…I'm not getting involved with another one of your crazy schemes!
Offstage, Bill's about to step on.
Tony (miffed): Why do I have to be Fred Mertz! I'm half his age!
Bill: Because Karen's my wife, duh!
Tony: Hmph!
Bill walks on stage in the 'Living Room'.
Bill: Karen, I'm home!
Karen: Oh hello, honey. How was your day at work?
Bill: Awful.
Karen: Look on the bright side; you could be one of these smelly prisoners!
Prisoners: BOOOOOO!
The prisoners start to charge the stage.
Karen: Oh, they loved it! They really loved it.
The group runs off stage, Bill grabs Karen on the way. –SWOOP!-
Karen: EEK!
In the hall outside the auditorium.
Michelle (looking at a map of the building): How's it going in there?
Chloe: They did a rip-off of 'I Love Lucy' and now they're being chased by everyone.
Michelle: I hope Tony wasn't forced to play 'Fred' again, he hates that. The same thing happened to him in Junior High.
Chloe: Uh, now they're coming this way…..
Michelle: Okay, the control room is up this hallway to the right. Let's move!
5:35:11, CTU.
Milo waves Sherry over.
Sherry: What is it?
Milo: George's gave me this phone and it's ringing!
Nadia: Most phones ring, Milo.
Milo: It's….The Powers That Be!
Nadia: Oh brother….
Milo: Play along……-ahem-……(He answers it)….This is George Mason speaking……..uh huh………uh huh……….Where's Milo?...(Nervously looks at Nadia).
Nadia: -Sigh-……Hi, I'm Milo and I'm really annoying! Blah, blah, blah!
Milo: No I'm not!
Sherry and Nadia smack Milo in the head. –WHAP!-
Milo: I mean……that was Milo all right……
Sherry buries her face in her hands.
Milo (on the phone): Uh huh…….uh huh……..uh huh……great!...Will do…….Don't worry…..Bauer will be taken care of……..Goodbye!
Nadia: Well?
Milo: He says 'Keep up the good work'…..
Nadia and Sherry exchange looks again.
Downstairs, in the Food Court.
Marilyn walks up to Kim at the counter of 'Happy Burger'.
Kim: Oh, Hi Aunt Marilyn.
Marilyn: Hello Kimberly. Is Audrey around? I need to ask her something really important.
Kim: She's in the back thawing some hamburger meat. She'll be out in a few minutes.
Marilyn: Great. Could you tell her to meet me in my room?
Kim: Sure……
Marilyn walks off.
Kim: Why does Marilyn get a room?
The Manager walks up.
Manager: HEY! Where's your burger outfit?!
Kim: I'm sorry, it's Hot and Itchy!
Manager: Well, I think you worked off your bill. You may go.
Kim: Thanks!
Kim takes two steps and knocks over a stack of dishes. –CRASH!-
Kim looks at the Manager and laughs nervously.
Manager: ……Those dishes weren't cheap.
Kim: Funny, because they look it! Ha, ha, ha….
Manager: …..
Kim: ….ha,…….ha……
Manager: …….
Kim: …..I'll put the suit back on.
At the White House.
More people are dancing around the President, who is getting fed up with this whole charade.
Noah: People are dancing around me still; I'm getting fed up with this whole charade!
Anyways……
Tom: Sir, if you'll excuse me for a second. I'm going to step outside for a breather.
Noah: Hurry back before they start the Running of The Sheep….
Tom: Uh….of course, sir.
Tom gets off his throne, which isn't as big as Noah's of course, and makes his way through the crowds of people. He opens the door to the hallway and clears his head for a moment.
Tom: Ahh, peace and quiet. Man, I don't know about anybody else, but I can sure go for some sleep!
Tom looks up to see a suspicious individual leave the broiler room. He looks around before closing the door. He walks away quickly.
Tom: Huh?
Tom proceeds to the broiler room door and enters. Inside, he starts to check out the place.
Tom: Hmm, nothing out of the ordinary……huh, what's this?
Tom gets a closer look at one of the pipes. He ducks his head to scope out the other side to find a small cassette tape secured by scotch tape.
Tom: What the?
Tom peels the tape off the surface of the pipe and takes a close look at it.
Tom (reading): …David Palmer phone conversation…….?...-Gasp-…….This must be what Karen was talking about. Good thing I came to this conclusion at this point in the story's final chapters. Now, I must go see what is on this tape!
5:40:12, back at the Halloween Party. Jack and Doyle are bobbing for apples.
Logan: -Sigh-, are you two finished?
Jack: Blub, blub, blub.
Doyle: Blub, blub, blub….
Logan: Swell……..Hmm?
He turns and see's someone who looks a lot like Harry.
Logan: That sure does look like him…..well, my instinct on the train was spot on. I'm sure I can get lucky again.
Logan starts to walk off.
Logan: I'll let you know if I find him……morons……
Jack (blubbing underwater): He's the moron…..
Inappropriately named Azkaban Correctional Facility, the girls find the Control Room.
Chloe: Finally!
The door opens automatically.
Chloe: We need a special hack to get into the Auditorium but the room that controls everything opens with ease.
Michelle: A lot of things don't make sense anymore….
Chloe: Let's end this.
They go in, Chloe approaches the key panel.
Chloe: I can use this device on it to deactivate the alarms.
Michelle: Where are all the guards? Hmm….they're probably dealing with the riot from Tony's 'Performance'….
Chloe: Oh crap!
Michelle: What's wrong now?
Chloe: This device was also infected with The Nina Myers Virus!
Michelle: Wonderful….
Chloe: And that means……
-WOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!-
Michelle: It did the exact opposite and set the alarms off….
Chloe: And it opened all the other prisoner's cells, which means…..major riot.
Michelle: Stupid Nina Myers!
Chloe: We better see if we can make it safely back to the helicopter. Hopefully they'll find their way there…
Chloe and Michelle run out of the control room. Prisoners are running rampant through the halls. Tony's group reaches a fork in the hallway.
Tony: Left or Right?
Bill: I think Left.
Tony: You sure?
Bill: No.
Tony: Ah…..
Baxter: Well, we need to think of something fast! They're gaining on us!
Tony: Uh….let's try right.
The take off, colliding with Chloe and Michelle. –WHAP!-
Chloe: OOF!
Tony: Ow…..
Bill: Good to see you guys are okay.
Michelle: Same here. The exit should be this way.
Bill: Oh, you mean to the Left?
Tony: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's just keep moving. Come on…..
They burst outside onto the heliport. Tony jumps into the pilot's seat as everyone boards frantically. Tony flips some switches as the helicopter's blade start to rotate.
Tony: All right! Everybody on board?
Michelle: Yeah, we're all present. Just get us out of here.
Tony: Not without 'Roll Call'. Karen?
Karen: Here!
Tony: Bill?
Bill: I'm here.
Tony: Chloe? Are you here?
Chloe: Shut up, Tony.
Tony: Morris?
Morris: Present, dahling.
Tony: And Baxter.
Baxter: Yeah….
Tony: And finally, Michelle? Are you here?
Michelle is glaring at Tony. A blood vessel is about to pop in her forehead.
Tony: I'll take that as a 'yes'. Now, everybody stand for The Pledge Of Allegiance…….I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United….
Michelle: Tony, get this thing off the ground before we get killed!
Tony: Oh, fine…….
The helicopter rises off the ground as the prisoners, guards, and dancers from the talent show run outside and start beating the crap out of each other.
Michelle: That was too close….
Karen: Ahhh! I forgot my box of Cracker Jacks!
Michelle: Keep flying….
CTU…..at the 'Happy Burger' to be precise….
Audrey comes to the front counter after thawing hamburger meat at almost 6 in the morning.
Kim: Oh, Audrey. Marilyn wanted to see you.
Audrey: Oh…..okay…..wait, That means I can take this thing off! YES!
Audrey takes her Hamburger Suit off and cheerfully skips away from the food court.
Kim: Lucky…….
Back at the White House.
Tom enters the Oval Office.
Tom: Okay, gotta find a tape player….where is the tape player…..
Tom walks over and opens a closet, junk is everywhere.
Tom: Great, man….where is it?...Great, found it!
Tom pulls out a tape player, which doesn't have batteries.
Tom: Crap.
Tom runs out of the oval office and down the hall, he passes by a secret service agent.
Tom: Ooh! Secret Service Bob! Do you have any Double A's?
Bob: Sure, they're some in my pocket.
Tom: That's convenient…
Bob hands Tom the batteries, and he hauls back and pops them in the tape player.
Tape: General Kenobi, you've served my father in the Clone Wars…
Tom: Boring!
He pushes the 'Fast Forward Button'.
-TAPE-
David Palmer: Hello Karen….
Karen: Hi David! How's it hanging?
David: Good. Listen, I have some things to tell you. They are a matter of National Security and you are the only person I can tell this to.
Karen: I'm listening….
David: Good. Now the following crucial information is brought to you by Allstate Car Insurance. Allstate…..are you in good hands?
Tom: -Groan-…..
Back at the house party.
Logan opens the door to the roof. He see's Harry Love outside on the phone. He turns around to see Logan.
Logan: EEP!
Harry: It's You!
Logan: No it's not…….I'm just a figment of your imagination……ooooh, you're dreaming…..
Harry: Shut up! I don't know why, but I get the feeling that you're following me! And I can't have you intervening with my plans anymore.
He slowly reaches to his side.
Logan: Uh……uhh……
A gunshot sires off. –BANG!-
Logan: Erk……oh wait…..I'm fine….
Harry clenches his chest and stumbles around; he loses his footing and falls over the edge of the roof. Logan rushes over and looks to the ground as Harry hits the ground. –WHAP!-
Logan: Ehh….
He turns back around to see Jack holding the smoking gun.
Logan: Jack?
Doyle busts down the door outside.
Doyle: Jack!? Did you just shoot Love? What the hell were you thinking!? You didn't have to kill him.
Jack ……
Doyle: Jack, are you even listening to me!?
Jack slowly turns around and heads inside, the rood door closes as Doyle and Logan stand outside on the roof.
Doyle: Jack!...Hey!...
The screen shrinks down at 5:54:12. Doyle and Logan stand there on the roof. The exchange looks, confused. / Jack puts away his gun, walking down the hallway. / Tony is flying the helicopter. Karen has her guitar out singing campfire songs, Chloe is trying to flush out the Nina Myers virus from her computer / Audrey leaves the restroom and proceeds to go meet Marilyn / Kim is tapping her fingers on the counter / Martha Logan is leaving the CTU-Massage & Spa Parlor / Nadia, Milo, and Sherry are watching something on their computer and eating Flaming Hot Cheetos / Rolando is sitting out in his car / Noah is bored to tears at the Inauguration, he eats a grapefruit / Tom finishes listening to the tape, he pushes stop and picks up the phone.
Tom is dialing CTU, Nadia answers.
Nadia: CTU Yassir….
Tom: Nadia, This is Tom Lennox….
Nadia: No thanks, we don't want any.
She hangs up. The phone rings again.
Nadia: CTU Yassir…
Tom: This is Tom Lennox from the White House!
Nadia: Oh, hello.
Tom: I have important information I received from a conversation between Karen Hayes and David Palmer.
Nadia: I'm listening.
Tom: A few years ago, back when Charles Logan was running for President and David was up there giving him 'Support' or whatever; David stumbled upon some papers about 2 experimental drugs that were being created by Charles' brother, Adam. One is a drug that lowers your blood pressure and gives off the illusion that the person taking the drug is 'dead'. This drug was going to take a few years to work all the kinks out and by the time it was, it was sold to Rolando Callahan. Rolando had his own evil plans to release the chemical toxin into the city's water supply that were about to be blown out in the open. So he faked his death. Then enter Ronald Applebee.
Nadia: Who the hell is that?
Tom: Ronald Palmer. David has Ronald, his old College roommate, pose as one of his brothers so he can get on the White House staff and put more priority into finding Adam and Rolando then eventually Harry Love, who they were also affiliated with. Someone found out that Ronald was a 'Palmer Imposter' and was going to send someone to kill him, so that's why he was going to build a robot to protect him. Why it was built to resemble Sherry Palmer was beyond anyone's guess but here's the thing. What nobody knew was that somehow, one of the chips inside the robot contains a number; this number is the Chemical Toxin Machine's Security Override Code. If Rolando activates that machine, having that code is the only way we could stop it from killing millions of people.
Nadia: So how do we get it?
Tom: Well, here is where it gets kinda strange….
Nadia (sarcastic): Now you're saying it gets strange!?
Tom: Well, when the producers switched out Robot Sherry with Human Sherry to save money.
Sherry: Hmph!
Tom: They somehow….left the chip inside the real Sherry.
Nadia: Huh?
Tom: The security code is inside Sherry Palmer…..
Nadia: How do we get it out?
Tom: I don't know, it's microscopic. But you guys need to find a way to get it out of there. There's only 1 episode left so I'm sure he's going to activate the machine soon if not that he's already done it.
Nadia: Okay…..I have a question. David Palmer knew about all this and he hasn't been on the show in forever?
Tom: Don't ask questions, Nadia.
Nadia: Geez, okay, okay. We'll find something. Hold on, one more thing. You said there were two experimental drugs. What was the second one?
Tom: Some type of mind control serum, I don't think they ever finished it though. Apparently Rolando was supposed to purchase that one as well……
Audrey walks into Marilyn's room.
Audrey: Hi Marilyn, you wanted to see me?
Marilyn: Yes, I did.
Marilyn grabs a lamp and whaps Audrey upside the head with it. –WHAP!-
Audrey: OOF!
Audrey falls to the floor and Marilyn drags her body off somewhere.
Back at the house. Jack is washing his face in the bathroom. The door slowly creaks open as George Mason stands in the doorway.
George: Jack?
Jack: …..
George: I'm sorry I have to do this, you being the main star and all. But….it's for the greater good.
George puts his hand on his shoulder and Jack falls to the floor….dead…….
George: Hmm……that was easy. Now to wash my hands…..ugh, these people don't have any soap. That drives me insane when that happens!
5:59:57
5:59:58
5:59:59
6:00:00
Fred: That is what you call a 'Halloween Special'?
Paul: Yeah.
Sam: Spooky, huh?
Fred: I hate you both….
He walks out the door.
Sam: Thanksgiving's right around the corner you know.
Paul: Oh, don't worry. I have all the holidays covered.
Sam: Even Kwanzaa?
Paul: Especially Kwanzaa!
Sam: Wicked cool……
THE SOMEWHAT NOT SO EXCITING CONCLUSION TO THE 2 PART HALF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL SEASON FINALE OF 24…..
-SWOOSH!-
What will happen? Who will die? And what other crappy movie parodies can the writers rip on this time…….
And coming up next, A Timeless Family Classic about Friendship…..it's Audrey's Web……
Audrey the Spider is chillin on the farm. With Milo Pressman as Wilbur the pig.
Milo Pig: Hello, Audrey. Do you have any inspirational messages for me today?
Audrey: No…..nothing for you today, Wilbur…..but I must say……you look very nice today…..if not……delicious.
Milo: Uh…..thanks……
Audrey: I would almost say you look good enough….to eat.
Milo: WHAT?!
Audrey: I can't take this anymore!
Audrey puts on a bib and pulls out a knife and fork.
Audrey: Come here. Mama's gonna have some sausage!
Milo: AAAAIIIIEEE!!!!
She chases after him with blood lust in her eyes…..wow that was horrible…..
PART 2 OF THE SEASON FINALE CONTINUES….RIGHT NOW……..or whenever you go to the next chapter. Whichever seems more realistic to you……beep….beep…..beep….beep…..beep….