II.
It's about 5 am when they wake up. Neither can tell if it's the other who woke her up. They stay still in the dark. Because they're ill at ease. Because Alicia's head is about to explode. But also, mostly, because if they move, they'll chase away the perfect, blessed moment they're in. During the night, Kalinda put a plaid on them because they were both shivering. With cold and so much more. Alicia's body is coiled against Kalinda. She stares at her hand laying on Kalinda's naked belly. Their clothes creased during the night and Alicia can't be completely sure her hand is on nude skin. She must be dreaming. She can feel the butterflies in her stomach, waking up slowly. Definitely, they're not part of a mourning process. They're precursors of a rebirth.
She wants to caress the soft dark skin. And as she's not sure she's not still dreaming, she lets her need take the lead. It's shy, gentle, silken. She never felt like that before. She can tell Kalinda's awake thanks to her just-a-little-too-jerky breathing on her neck. And by her small fingers tensed on her shoulder. It helps Alicia thinking about something else than the migraine beating her whole body. And she doesn't want to think about the painful thoughts she had so many times. The ones about her being attracted to Kalinda, in which she asks herself if it's not just about wanting to punish her husband. In brief, Brain : Stop.
She caresses Kalinda's belly, draws the shapes of a hip, of the offered navel, inspects every parcell of the golden skin from the tip of her fingers. Kalinda's deconstructed breath in her ears is like a reward. She tells herself she'd like to discover the hidden parts of her body. Up, and down her belly. She never did – or even wanted – that before, but there's some kind of an archaïc memory showing her the path. She slides her hand under Kalinda's blouse. She shifts her own body to free her other hand and very softly, she unbuttons the blouse and opens each tail slowly, holding her breath. A sigh of contentment escapes her lips : it really was worth it. She raises her eyes to meet Kalinda's. Her gaze is…Intense…Well, she's not sure how to read it. She's not sure she wants to understand it either. Instead, she lays a trembling hand on her chest. Kalinda's lips open on a silent moan. Their eyes meet again. There's something urgent in Kalinda's. In Alicia's are sparks of desire.
She slides her free hand on Kalinda's back and unclasps her bra. She withdraws reluctantly her hand from the heat of Kalinda's perfect breast, to hold her sitting on the bed. Then, she pulls away the blouse and bra and pushes Kalinda gently against the pillow again. And, as if she'd done that a million times, she leans in and presses her lips on Kalinda's.
She's barely aware she might smell alcohol. But she doesn't care. She doesn't want to think about anything but what she's doing rightnow. She won't let consequences or extrapolations penetrate her thoughts. And Kalinda's hands tied around her neck, and her lips parting slightly are sufficient to deduct she doesn't care either. Under their half closed eyelids, are fireworks. Inside their bellies, waves of heat, and something humid and less romantic between their legs. But so good.
Kalinda's body is warm and tensed against hers. She vaguely feels like ripping off her own clothes but this kiss is so…Inesperate, desired, needed. It was so strongly fantasized that clothes can wait.
Alicia feels like she remembers the gesture, the manners. Even if she never kissed a girl before. Never kissed like that before. Their mouths find each other. They both moan, mesmerized. They didn't talk but everything seems said as well.
Finally Alicia breaks the kiss, she still has in mind to discover the round and full and golden breasts she barely saw a minute before. She absolutely needs to caress them, to tease them, to watch their nipples grow hard while she licks them. Under her touch, Kalinda's body shudders slightly.
Where her tongue is not, her fingers, her lips, sometimes her teeth are. It's all about kisses and gentle bites, caresses and breaths. She can't stop licking, tasting, sucking.
At one point she remembers that a few minutes before, she wanted to discover what was under Kalinda's skirt. She slides an adventurous hand between the warm thighs. They immediately open and at the same time Kalinda misses a breath. Her head rests on the pillow, eyes almost closed, lips opened on a silent plea. Alicia doesn't know how to proceed and yet, the same second her fingers lay on Kalinda's sex, she knows where, when, how and how much.
She strokes gently, drunk with wonder. She penetrates with her fingers, slowly and carefully. Kalinda's mouth utters a sound between a moan and a sob. She moves slowly, escorted by Kalinda's hips. She's thrilled. They both are actually. She dreamt this so much, even before she was aware of it, that living it for real is almost too strong. By the intensity of the waves on her body, she can tell Kalinda is ready to come. She's near crying, not sure if she's ready.
But when she feels the vibrations around her fingers, when she sees the small golden body arching, when she hears Kalinda's incoherent whimpers, she understands it's all she's been looking for. She lets a tear fall from her cheek as she watches Kalinda's orgasm. Thanks to her, for her. For no one else.
She looks at her for long minutes, still, letting her fingers inside, barely breathing. She can't go to what's next to come. She finally realizes Kalinda's watching her, dark eyes wide open. She takes her hand back slowly and lays down next to Kalinda.
Not a word was exchanged since they woke up. Kalinda does her best to break the silence, in a low, gentle voice :
« -Are you…ok ? »
Alicia opens her mouth but nothing escapes, barely the discreet ghost of a sob. Kalinda brings her close to her. She's still shaking from her orgasm and it makes her irresistibly vulnerable. Alicia is shaking too, and crying. Kalinda puts her wet lips on Alicia. Just for the touch. It's a safety kiss, used when words are missing. Kalinda slides a small and warm hand on Alicia's back. But she withdraws, scared, sits and says, tears in her voice.
« -I can't. »
Something explodes in her head. Kalinda sits next to her and asks :
« You can't…what ? »
Alicia turns her head to face her. She wishes she were able to say « You're beautiful, so beautiful it hurts. And I'd like to stay in this bed with you forever ». Instead, there is this memory which is not really a memory because she wasn't there. But it's haunting her, it makes her say
« -I can't let you… fuck me. »
Her last words repeat indefinitely in the cold silence that follows.
« -Is it because…I slept with Peter ? »
Alicia's whole body quivers when she hears her husband's name.
« -Yes…It's because I did it. »
She's certain Kalinda is about to stand up and leave. Because it's not a good excuse. She just did exactly the contrary…But Kalinda stays, and tightens her gripstronger. Stronger that somewhere in her brain, she thinks she'll keep the marks of Kalinda's fingers on her arms for days.
«-Alicia ?
-…Yes ?
-Let me try.
-…Try what ?
-To make you forget and forgive. »
Alicia doesn't answer, stunned.
« -I just…I can't just be the woman you fucked after getting drunk, just to take revenge on your husband. I…I deserve to be someone else. »
Alicia shakes her head. There's this sob trapped in her throat. And her ego or something like that prevents her from thanking Kalinda right now. Thank you for trying. She manages to articulate :
« -But, how ? »
Kalinda is relieved, this means « yes, let's try. Your turn » She only says :
« -Let me take care of it. »