A/N: So… it's been again a LOOOOONG time since the last time I published anything. I'm kind of in between jobs and suddenly I found myself with a lot of time to work thanks to my freelancing schedules so… yay! That'll give me some time to work on writing chapter with a little bit more… consistency? Anyway… yay!
I've edited this chapter cause… I re-read it and thought there were a couple things off I needed to polish a bit but the core, the point of this chapter is still there. So re-read if you want or not…
Disclaimer: The anime, movies and manga by the name of Inuyasha do not belong to me; as well as its characters and plot. On the other side, this fan fiction… is MINE! And I'm not making any money out of publishing it… just the hope and joy it gives thinking that someone… somewhere is reading it… and he or she likes this enough to COMMENT …or LIKE or FOLLOW… just the thought of it… is so… heart warming (tearing up), I'm happy with just that…
But if you wanna make my day and comment or follow or like… GO AHEAD… I beg you! TOT
Anyway… Enjoy!
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Chapter 7
Fear and love
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"SESSHOMARU-SAMA!"
Sesshomau woke up with a start to realize he had fallen asleep watching over the young woman in front of him. Looking up he immediately saw said woman shaking harshly, a hand over her chest and the other covering partially her face, it was lifting the hair from her bangs while pressing the strands tied to a pony tail at the back with strength, messing her style more than it already was.
They had been moving up the trail for the longest time now. After leaving the shrine they walked on the same narrow path but it wasn't long before the young human stopped them for the first time to rest and would continue to do so the rest of the day a handful of times more. The ex-youkai remembered the trip up the mountain to have lasted barely a night, back when he came to meet the witch, but now that he thought about it, he had ran up the path rather fast and he didn't calculate that this time; his companion was human and further more, weak.
Weak… the mere thought made his skin crawl. Whatever that nightmare had been about it had caused her to be sick for long and now, even thought she was no longer ill she was still suffering from the after effects; she looked and probably felt weak and tired, she still had nightmares or flashbacks, compared to the way they had started up the mountain when she had barely stopped to take a breather and then moved on was appalling. Sesshomaru could only hope that they covered enough ground the next morning so she wouldn't have to suffer anymore… and then again, he was also hoping they never reached the end of the road, never got to face that wretched woman who could very well kill Rin with the flick of her hand or even worse, damn her like she had cursed him.
"I´m sorry… did I wake you?" the youngster asked sheepishly. Despite having those nightmares she was sort of back to her natural calm, happier persona, even if just for a moment, which comforted Sesshomaru a little. "I don´t think I can sleep anymore… I´ve been sleeping all day…" she murmured and the wolf growled back making her laugh and snort. "Yeah… I think my body agrees with you…" turning her eyes up towards the sky she seemed lost for a moment in her own memories. "I used to look at the skies for hours before I fell asleep… wondering where he was, wondering what he was up to… even before he left me with Inuyasha and Kaeda-sama, I was used to waiting for him with Jaken and Ah-Uhn, looking at the stars… thinking about him"
A shiny tear ran down her cheek and he moved from his spot to rest against her legs in an effort to comfort her, she in turn petted his head and kindly smiled at him, lopsided but a smile was a smile.
"I never thought it would happen…" she bitterly admitted "I just thought… no one would ever kill him… he´s Sesshomaru after all… he´s so powerful, he´s so… impressive and strong and… he´s… he was…" more tears fell down her face to gather under her chin and then fall on her clothes. "I wanted to see him at least one more time… ask him for one more gift before we parted… if only he had come that day…" she stopped herself in the middle of her whispered rant and laughed a bitter laugh, then, she looked down at him "but it´s Sesshomaru-sama we´re talking about, right? Why would he do anything anyone ever asked him to…?"
Just because it was you who asked… his mind answered without a doubt.
"I just wish I could see him again… one more time… so I could remember him the way he used to be, the way he was for me, instead of these horrible nightmares…"
I would give anything to grant your wish… Again his mind supplied an immediate answer.
A soft breeze brought a familiar scent towards the couple and lifting up his eyes the wolf saw with clarity how the fog they had been prey to the night before was crawling down the mountain, covering everything in white.
"We should be fine…" she murmured but still gathered her legs closer to herself and wrapped her arms around them for comfort. "I know we're going to be fine…" her voice was terse and Sesshomaru saw her eyes shine with unshed tears.
She is afraid…
Instinctively he thought of giving the woman his furry pelt to borrow but it was then that he remembered the state he was in, which basically explained why they where in that God forsaken place anyway. He grimaced and tried not to growl as to not frighten the girl anymore, still a low rumbled came out and the little thing trembled and looked at him with uncertainty. He had to do something to help her, had to do something to reassure her of his presence there and his desire to protect her. Thinking for a moment on what to do he decided to move, she reacted instinctively to the closer presence of a 'dangerous' animal but after their eyes met she calmed down again and Sesshomaru resumed his repositioning, coming to stop directly beside her, tail bone right beside her left hip and his head parallel to her legs, in a sort of sphinx pose he would be able to watch over her and be aware of any and all dangers.
Their proximity was somehow exhilarating. He couldn't help remembering the dream he had had under the influence of the fog and now feeling her scent so clear and her heat so pleasantly close his mind wanted to go back to that place in his unconsciousness where the two of them had met in ravenous desire. A hand on his head surprised him out of his reverie, making him look up at the young woman now petting his head.
"I hadn't noticed you have a really soft fur… it reminds me of Sesshomaru's mokomoko"
Her words were partially whispered and mumbled but he understood them. Again he felt like screaming to get her to recognize it was him, but there was no way he could do it.
The white puff had finally caught up to them and covered most of their campsite, it was still possible for him to see the woman sleeping beside him so he tried to remain calm. Her hand had stopped its caressing movement shortly after it started and was now resting limply over his back.
Her scent… he studied with a few deep breaths, flowers and musk… he mused, his feelings nicely heady and somewhat dizzy. I wonder how she tastes like in real life.
His eyelids felt heavy.
Rin…
The warmth surrounding them grew warmer and was somehow cocooning them.
My beautiful Rin…
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He didn't notice the moment his eyes closed but the sudden darkness startled him almost instantly to overdrive. Opening his eyes in panic he looked around to see there was no one in the vicinities; everything seemed to be perfectly calm.
Studying the situation he tried to adjust his senses to pick at the different sounds of the forest; he noticed the soft chirping of birds, the gentle sway of the branches in the wind and the murmur of a river nearby. Indeed, everything was calm and peaceful, he had to wonder; why had he felt so restless? Was there a reason for him to feel uneasy or suspicious? Even, leaving those emotions aside, why would he feel anything at all…?
His train of thought brought him to an immediate halt when he remembered the cursed forest he was supposed to be in.
There were no birds in said forest…
No wind moved those accursed trees…
Nor was there a river to quench anyone's thirst
He was definitely not in the forest.
Another thought crossed his mind in a blink and he turned completely around to look for his human companion finding her obviously gone. She was no where to be seen and taking a little more time to study the situation he noticed something else that was painfully obvious.
He was his former self again.
Remembering the dream from last time he felt his hands clench and his eyes narrow, looking around the forest with suspicion. They weren't supposed to be affected by the fog this time, the girl had said so and they had naively believed her words. Could this be causing Rin more pain? How could he wake up and get her to wake up too…?
Laughter passed close to where he was and he twisted around on uneasy legs to look for its source. For some reason he felt as if he hadn't been standing in two legs in years, even thought he had been in animal form for so little time. His body felt sluggish, slow and clumsy. Oh, how the mighty have fallen… the joke passed through his mind and he felt like punching himself, somehow even his own self felt different… actually, not much different from the wolf creature he had become, as if…
More laughter rang around him and this time he found the youngsters creating the ruckus. Kids were running around the edge of the woods, near the stream probably going to pick up water. The sun was setting as everyday and he felt in the air the subtle scent the humans had brought with them.
There's a human village nearby…
The idea made him cringe for a moment. His last encounter with humans hadn't been all so good and he couldn't help wondering. If this was another dream brought by the fog, then, what did that witch had in mind for him tonight? Even thought he was certain his dreams had its roots in his own conscious or subconscious mind there was no denying the hand of the old bat in them. After all, there was no way he would indulge in such ideas on his own, he was a creature of discipline and perfection. There was no way he would succumb to human weaknesses such as a carnal temptation… no matter how beautiful and seductive it was.
Rin…
Again he thought of the woman possibly suffering through another night of terrors and felt his claws digging into his palms, nearly drawing blood.
The witch will pay for what she has done…
He started to walk towards the human scent and as he walked he noticed to his (not) surprise that he was back in Inuyasha's forest. As night fell he got closer to his ward's former home and to the boisterous sound of a human celebration.
From afar he managed to catch the gist of what was happening. There was the slayer and the monk, the little kit and the fire cat as well as Inuyasha, his mate and their children. For a moment he wondered where his ward had gone or if she would appear in this dream at all… when he saw her come out of Inuyasha's hut dressed in a beautiful summer kimono and a beautiful headdress woven in between her long tresses, arranged high on her head. She looked breath taking. For a moment he actually forgot how to breathe and was further shocked to discover he knew exactly what was going on.
This was her 16th celebration… her birthday celebration… the one request she had asked of him he had decided to leave unfulfilled. Oh… the witch would pay for this torture. His decision had been for the best back then and he would remain by it. It was far better that he didn't show up… it was all better for both of them… He appreciated the human girl, he enjoyed her company and cared about her as a father would his child but there was no denying the different worlds in which they lived, to where they belonged. She was human and he… was a demon…. Or used to be.
Staring at her in amazement she saw her greet her guests with an ample smile… that didn't quite reach her eyes.
She was still waiting for him…
The thought stabbed his heart viciously and the way she laughed at something the monk said made the knife twist over it repeatedly.
For how long did she wait for him?
For how long was she going to hope for him to appear before she gave up?
He felt one of those pesky human emotions crawl inside him like a pest.
Guilt… I feel guilt
He admitted and continued to stare.
She was beautiful. His mind moved to other topics, trying to scape from the reality he had created for himself and pretty much conscious of what he was trying to do. Still… the thought wasn't so comfortable too and it soon made his eyes wonder about her shape so elegantly covered by the fine silk he had gifted her in his previous visit. The color suited her, he was pleased, the obi was also quite adequate, he accented and smiled, Jaken had done it right with that one, not that he would say anything about it to the little imp but it was true. The toad knew his tastes and knew what he was doing when he bought that outfit for Rin… and now that he thought about it… why would the little idiot consider purchasing something so… delicate… and elegant… when she would've been using it in such a place.
Those royal colors and the delicate patterns; they seemed to fit perfectly with the ones he usually wore at court, if she had worn his gift at the palace they would have definitely looked as a pair; as if those colors were announcing her as his mate, as if making her of his family just by the obvious use of those colors and patterns in combination so similar to his own. His feet were moving forward and he didn't feel strong enough to stop them.
Rin…
She looked angelic, her skin so fair, her face so sweet and kind, her hair so soft and glossy… it made painfully obvious how just one touch from him would tarnish that purity and destroy her completely… then again… it was also clear how her inner light was the strongest and brightest he had ever seen in a living creature; he was certain at the same time that just a touch from her would be enough to vanish the darkness from his soul forever.
She was perfection embodied…
Dressed in such finery and walking so elegantly, talking so gently yet familiarly… she appeared like the perfect lady… and she could be… yes… she should be…
Lady of the West…
The tittle suited her more than anyone in the world… and he agreed with himself wholeheartedly, there was no place in the world where she would belong better than in his palace, surrounded by beauty and power, a compelling contrast of their different natures. The most dazzling contrast to his past and his present…
She was the one thing he was missing…
Too late he noticed his feet had taken him closer than he would have liked. She saw him approaching and a smile, a true smile, grew on her face like a beacon of hope and happiness, and he simply glided towards it. Outside his appearance betrayed nothing, yet inside he fought against the desperation he felt that demanded he ran to her like a man to water after years in a dessert. She called to him like a dancing flame to a moth… oh, and he was rather glad to be the proverbial moth…
"Sesshomaru-sama"
She whispered tenderly and moved to direct him towards his seat at the head of the table. Giving him the position of honor in her (own) celebration.
"Rin" he simply acknowledge not knowing what else to say.
The thought of her and the closeness of her feminine shape and the lovely scent of flowers she carried… and the magic of the moonlit night bathing her glimmering eyes… it was too much, it was too dangerous to stare… or to continue to do so for any longer. Bracing himself on years and years of self-restraint and discipline he glanced away from her, to focus on the other guests in front of him and was pleased to see faces that could detour his thoughts from his instinctive stupidity.
The monk was grinning idiotically and was soon given a hard slap by the woman beside him, who (strangely enough considering their past encounters) didn't smile or frown at the demon, then there was the kit who looked at him with uncertainty and perhaps a touch of fear, not something he minded at all but perhaps not something he should indulge to provoke tonight… then, of course was his brother. The half-blood was looking at him with something similar to rage… but not quite so, it was different from any other expression he had ever worn against him. What was it?
He disapproves of me…
The thought startled and insulted him, something that got him to frown and glare back at the hanyou, almost instantly, but quickly he tried to calm down, reminding himself of the reality outside of the bubble he was in for the night.
This is nothing but a dream… even his own responses to me will be exactly what that vile creature of a woman thinks appropriate or what my own memories can gather for her. This means nothing to me…
Pleased with his assessment of the situation he went back to 'reality' calmer and more comfortable in the situation. But such emotions were shortly lived when upon turning to his side he saw her again, sitting comfortably beside him serving him sake from a medium sized jug.
"Sesshomaru-sama… it would please me greatly, if you would do me the honor of participating in tonight's feast," she said with her eyes casted down "I prepared this myself, for you…"
It was pretentious of the human to pretend him to eat anything handmade by filthy… humans… or so he tried to tell himself. But, again it was something he couldn't hold in his mind after looking at those eyes and the almost imperceptible tremble of her lips. She was anxious to know what he thought of her 'feast'. She had surely worked all day and had probably worked the entire day before to prepare this meal she had cooked for his sake. It was almost drugging to be on the receiving end of so much reverence and love.
Love…
The human emotion was no longer hidden from him, and for the first time he could actually look at her with unveiled eyes. In deed, she had been in love with him from a young age and he had done nothing to deter her, nor anything to encourage her. She had loved him for himself… had loved him on her own… and now that he knew about it there was very little he could do to show her some measure of affection before the night was over and they were back to their real predicaments, but everything else considered, he thought to at least try.
"I am already pleased by your efforts, little one," he murmured as low as he could so that the rest of the party could not hear it. Even if, he knew, Inuyasha would still catch it… or could still catch it.
She blushed ever so sweetly and turned to face the other side in embarrassment. If so little made her heart flutter so much, what would happen with more affectionate or passionate words? His mind wondered… without his permission.
Moving his eyes to the different dishes laid out in front of him he noticed that the rest had been also given something, but he could tell those were obvious human-meals whereas his were quite different and he remembered seeing similar plates in his own palace. There was a wild boar-like demon and meat from lesser bird-demons of different kinds; there were also dishes with different vegetables and wild fruit.
He delayed the inevitable no more and lifted his chopsticks to place several portions from the variety of food on his plate. A bowl of rice was also placed beside him, it was steaming hot and it smell pleasantly of the earthenware used to prepare it. Sesshomaru was sure the efforts to build tonight's dinner had been more than he deserved and he could only hope it was his dream and not how it had actually occurred, and after tasting the first bites of food he begun to feel quite uncertain of his previous decision to forgo the celebration in real life.
"Most delightful, Rin" he stated, brief yet heartfelt and the girl smiled brightly at him barely capable of containing her joy. It was, he decided, pointless to hide his opinions when they would only be shared with the Rin from his dreams and perhaps the all-seeing witch. "It's quite delicious"
"Thank you, Sesshomaru-sama"
The meal moved on with her happily relating him all that she had done during the week and for the past months since the last time they saw each other. He listened while eating and from time to time gave her his opinion on the different topics addressed. Not once did she mention possible marriage prospects or did the rest at the party dare mentioned them, still, everyone shared some way or another their thoughts, somehow managing not to breach the intimacy of his moment with Rin.
"It's quite late Rin, would you mind if we excused ourselves?" the demon slayer said after a while and moved to pick up the sleeping kids from the ground. Her husband soon followed after carrying another youngster in his arms.
"Sure, rest well Sango-san, Miroku, good night"
They left then and soon the miko did the same, although she had to insist a 'little' bit more for her mate to follow her. The half-blood was still threatening him (or trying to do so) with his eyes, causing the miko to frown, until, his brother was eventually shoved against the dirt ground with only one word. How pathetic, Sesshomaru thought and fought back a snicker on Rin's behalf. Inuyasha still noticed it and glared harder as he growled under his breath.
"Oh for crying out loud Inuyasha! Please, stop behaving like a child and come quietly!"
Her words worked to get his attention and at her tone he decided to back down (for now) and he moved, reluctantly, from the table to the side and towards his hut. Not of course, without glaring one more time and demanding Rin came inside soon afterwards.
"I apologize for Inuyasha's attitude… I don't know what came over him" she murmured a few seconds later in a hushed tone; probably unsure of Inuyasha's reaction if he managed to hear her.
"There's no need" he assured her "He is but as foolish as he has always been"
Rin smiled jokingly while looking back at the hut where his half brother was. After a moment she lowered her gaze and her smile grew rueful and with longing. "But he's only like that because he cares about me"
The demon lord weighted her words for about a couple seconds before he sighed unperceptively and pushed the thought of his brother away. It was probably just some human thing he would never understand.
"Is being a fool the norm for humans who care about another?"
The question startled the girl for barely the time that took her to bat her eyelashes oh so innocently to clear her view. She answered immediately, the rueful smile gone, replaced by more longing and open sadness.
"I believe so… yes… for most" he detected a touch of regret in her voice; turning around, he saw her blush prettily, probably embarrassed by her own answer. Perhaps he should be more careful in the way he spoke to her.
She looked so beautiful and the blush dusted her tanned skin making it look rosy, giving her an air of youth and purity he liked on her.
She's but a child after all… he tried to convince himself, yet at the same time his eyes noticed how the touch of reddish pink moved from her cheeks down her slender throat towards the showcased skin of her ample bosom. The obi marked her figure perfectly, accentuating the small of her waist with those round breasts up, spilling sensually from out of the fabric circling her waist and the flare of her hips, those last mentioned… so round and full, perfect for pleasure and bearing pups.
She will have many human children… he tried to distract himself, yet again his mind wondered over the softness beneath those clothes and if her blush would cover her breasts too like it was covering her neck.
I need air… he thought, while another part of him reminded him that they were outside sitting under the stars, swathed by as much fresh air as they would get anywhere else.
Perhaps walking then…
His stoic face gave none of his frenzied emotions and thoughts away; as he moved up to leave the table, the woman beside him was startled again and wobbled up with difficulty in her getup.
Now that he thought about it, it was peculiar that she would be dressed in so many layers… but then again it was normal for a summer, fine, royal court kimono to be composed of many different undergarments and kimono layers. It was the reason why the ladies in any court would be either thin and delicate or rough and strong… when it came to youkai, they were definitely strong, a reason of pride in their partners.
Rin stumbled only slightly while getting up but moved then graciously to follow him.
"Rin" he called and she smiled warmly at him, his thoughts again betrayed him and he focused his stern expression forward, into the woods. "Walk with me".
His words were strong and left no room for questioning, but then again, Rin had never questioned his orders or his authority… ever.
Leaving the table they moved away from the human village and Inuyasha's hut to enter the forest and go deeper into it, to their usual spot by the river. The walk was calm and quiet, she followed his step without trouble and was actually breathing easily beside him, her eyes casted down and forward, he couldn't really look at those chocolate orbs since they were covered by her eyelashes. Now that he looked at her face a little closer those black eyelashes of hers framed her eyes quite prettily, they were even curved slightly back making those jewels look bigger and still a little childish.
Ravishing…
The unbidden thought surprised him again because of the warmth it made him feel and the certainty of the possessiveness he felt over her. It was not good and he growled between greeted teeth, unconsciously fighting his thoughts.
"Sesshomaru-sama?" the reason for his stress answered with caution and worry.
"Rin" he spoke immediately "It is to my understanding that you haven't chosen a man from Inuyasha's village to wed, isn't it so?"
"Hai… Sesshomaru-sama"
Her voice trembled with disappointment and a tang of sadness but Sesshomaru was not deterred "You are older now, you are free to decide where you wish to live. With the hanyo and the miko or with the taijiya in the hunter's village" she looked like she would say something but he didn't let her as he continued on "You might chose a man from among them when you feel it is appropriate, you already have my blessing and as my ward I trust your judgment of character in this matter"
He turned around and saw her lip tremble in panic. There was no going back now…
"Do not look for me, Rin, your life will continue on among your kin as I have decided and you shall decide how to live it yet still among them"
Tears were shinning brightly in her eyes, barely contained. He could see her shoulders tremble with the effort it took to hold herself together.
"Will this be the last time we see each other Sesshomaru-sama?"
A clean break…
"Yes"
It must be a clean break…
He studied her expression for a moment longer and saw how it changed. Suddenly those tears were no longer there and instead an expression of confidence and decision overtook her.
"May I speak freely? Sesshomaru-sama?"
Something told him it was a bad idea but he decided to ignore it and so he made a slight nod with his head for her to carry on.
"You've given me so much Sesshomaru-sama… even my own life you gave back twice, I couldn't ask more from you and yet… I feel so sad to part with you forever"
"Rin" he tried to warn her
"But I will do as you desire, I will live my own life and honor all you did for me and all you taught me forever…"
He knew it; Rin would never go against his wishes.
"I just…" Sesshomaru felt his spine stiffen slightly, "I know it's inappropriate and wrong… of me… but… I wish… I wish for one last thing" there was hope in her sparkling eyes, "one last gift from you, to be able to live forever with these memories of our time together"
"Rin…" he tried to warn her off again but it didn't work, his voice failed him and it came out breathless and shivering.
"I wouldn'task formore… just… justonekiss" she continued, talking faster and nearly tripping over the words.
A kiss…
"Youdon'thave to doanything… I… I only ask that you close your eyes… and… let me…"
Her conviction was still there, but he could tell her previous confidence was leaving her.
It is only fair… he suddenly thought. After all she's given this Sesshomaru, it is only fair that I give this to her.
Without uttering a word, the youkai lord walked towards the tree he used to rest against and lowering himself to a sitting position he braced himself against the rough bark. His legs were crossed in front of him and his hands were as, usual, wrapped in front of his chest. Closing his eyes, he silently consented to the girl's last wish.
One kiss… the thought sent fire to his very core. If it's only one kiss it should be fine. He felt his hands itching to grab the girl nearing him slowly. If I don't touch her it should be just fine.
He heard the youngster move to finally face him and descend until she was facing him.
It's only one kiss…
He felt her warm breath hitching as she nearly fell over and his hands instinctively moved for a split second to try and catch her. He forced them down as he felt her finding her balance again.
It's nothing more than a kiss…
Her hands were now bracing her against the tree behind him, leveling her for what she was about to do.
Surely it wouldn't be her first kiss… right?
He felt her doubt her actions for a couple seconds and for those couple of seconds he thought she might actually retreat and ran away.
One goodbye k…
Before the thought finally worked its way to completion the contact of her mouth against his deleted all coherence from his brain. For a moment he forgot how to breathe and after remembering said vital action and forcing his body to act on it, he noticed the girl had her lips basically smashed against his own.
Her first…
His tongue darted out to trace her bottom lip before he could stop it… (If there was any chance he would have eventually come to the idea of stopping it) but the young woman in front of him was startled enough to lose her balance completely, her hand sliding against the tree trunk, scrapping it in the process but only barely before the weight of her body pushed her down towards the ground in seconds.
The expected impact never came. Before her body touched the forest floor beside him, his hands had moved on their own on instinct to catch her. General instinct? No, definitely not, he would only do these kinds of things for Rin… and it had been Rin falling after all; falling right into his arms.
Their eyes met for a few shuddering breaths, (no more than a few seconds) while his brain tried to catch up with the emotions barreling against her expression.
Mine
And how he would never regret it if that was the last sane thought to cross his mind.