Chapter 3: Appearances...
A/N: Shepard's motto is "What could possibly go wrong?"
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Asari underground base.
The bowls laid empty on the tray, and their conversation showed no sign of losing momentum. After a while, it circled back around to the topic of the famous game.
"So..." Alice asked, "What's the difference between the real and in-game asari?"
Nel briefed her. "The part about our lifespan is true. We run republics... We have biotics, but it is more like telekinesis, don't expect singularities... We do meld, although I wonder how he found that out... I really don't want to know..."
Kali chuckled. "Maybe something happened in that bathroom? Oh, yeah, you noticed we're a lot less uptight and snobbish, right?"
Nel rolled her eyes. "Oh. Goddess. Well, we say Goddess... We are the most advanced race around... besides that... most of the rest is fiction, of course."
"You mean there are no Reapers, right?"
"Can't say for sure," Nel said. "but there are certainly no mass relays, no citadel. Eezo and the mass effect do exist, though. You could say the game is based on a true story, in a way..."
Alice sighed. "Phew, that's reassuring..." then, pointing at her empty bowl, she asked "What was in there?"
"Studying you includes eating local," Kali replied. "and fortunately, we're mostly compatible on food. Making sure no-one gets poisoned is part of my job."
Almost as an obvious afterthought, she excitedly added "And if they do, I get to autopsy them!"
"COME ON!", Nel sighed...
Kali went on. "Alright, alright. Well, what else? I'll give you more details some other time. Oh, most of us can't stand chocolate."
Ch'ara and Nel winced in disgust. Kali seemed strangely amused, though. Alice thought something must have been lost in translation.
Ch'ara raised, walked to the kitchen, and came back with four cookies.
Alice was dying to ask about interstellar travel, but swallowed it.
"And... about those blue babies?..."
Ch'ara laughed. "Oh yeah, the blue babies. Kali...?"
Kali enthusiastically lectured about her job. "I should have mentioned my specialty is what your people like best, I guess: food, and sex!" She cleared her throat, and went on. "Sorry about my language, in my line of work, I tend to be… exposed to... stuff. I mean, your... sexuality, and related things. You know, like watching your porn... and, of course... *ahem* hands-on experimentation! Pretty interesting if I may say. So, yeah, what was the question?"
Ch'ara reminded her. "The blue babies."
Kali laughed. "Oh, yes! It doesn't result in babies, but... it does feels pretty good!"
She bit her lower lip, blushed, nodded several times, all the while not looking at Alice.
Alice blurted "You mean you really... uh... with humans?" and by mid-sentence, she had understood everything. She should have known! The whole evening was a blind date. With a gorgeous, funny, fascinating alien scientist.
Alice's eyes met Kali's stare. Alice stopped breathing. Kali seemed about to put her foot deeper in her mouth. Nel was utterly embarrassed.
Ch'ara guffawed "Come on! Making babies by looking at each other in the eyes..."
After regaining their breaths, the others nodded... Kali kindly provided the exact scientific term. "Yes. Bullshit."
Alice tried a change of subject again. "You look human, you act human, I mean your body language is spot-on..."
Nel explained. "That took a lot of training, but we have to blend in. When I go back to asari worlds... my friends make fun of me. I am kind of goofy at being an asari by now... We all are, here, I guess. And if you went there, yes, you would probably end up insulting people or causing all sorts of misunderstanding without knowing it, even without speaking a word."
She directed an accusatory look towards Kali.
Kali blurted out "WHAT? Yes, OK, I got slapped for trying human pickup tactics."
Ch'ara picked up her cookie, and teased "This one is imported from home. Take a bite, that will give you a taste of the unknown".
The human considered her cookie, examined it, smelled it with curiosity. It did look like a cookie, with a faint smell of fish. She took a bite, chewed, then looked at it in surprise.
"Damn."
The outside was crunchy, salty, with a little bit of hot chili pepper ; the cream inside had the taste and texture of raw oysters. And it left a sweet, fruity aftertaste, with a very slight whiff of turpentine. That was the weirdest dessert she ever had... and although she couldn't decide if it was delicious, disgusting, or just extremely unusual, she still ate it all and licked her fingers... out of courtesy, curiosity, but mostly because it really was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It felt great.
"That was... alien. But in a nice kind of way."
The asari looked at each other, seemingly satisfied the human could handle it. Nel took a portable terminal that was laying on the table, extended its screen, and...
"Well, let's start slow, see if you are ready. My sister's summer barbecue party."
She flipped pictures... A swimming pool with lots of people in, mostly asari in what seemed to be swimsuits... and a couple of three meter long green earthworms, also wearing swimsuits. They held their cocktails with long tendrils coming out of (hopefully) their heads.
Alice watched each picture at length, trying to take in every detail. It was fascinating. Nel explained who was who, answered Alice's questions, told anecdotes...
Nel's sister did look like her. The guy manning the barbecue was a twelve-legged spider. The aliens sunbathing on reclining seats looked even weirder, although they seemed to be wearing sunglasses, which made them look awesome. There was a tentacle monster with a huge number of likes and tags.
Everything seemed perfectly normal and fine. Alice slipped a glance towards Kali. She didn't look that alien anymore. Maybe... exotic? Kali waved a tentacle from the back of her head at Alice, and smiled.
Alice reached the last picture, still not believing it. She had dreamed of epic space adventures, perhaps wandering the galaxy with her own ship, but somehow, she had forgotten to dream about all the little details. Aliens were real... they were people, they were having dinner together, everything was normal, she probably had a date with one, and they posted pictures on... Holy shit.
"You have facebook?"
Ch'ara laughed. "It's scalpbook," she said. "You didn't invent social networks..."
Nel seemed a bit embarrassed at Alice's lack of freaking out after seeing the alien aliens. She said "Hm, okay, you are a quick learner... Let's tell you more, see if you scream or something."
Kali knew this was her cue. She moved slightly but visibly closer to Alice on the couch, smiled, then explained "Ok. We lay eggs, by the way. About... this big..." – she pretended to hold something in her hands, about half the size of her head, nodded to Alice, and went on. "And after hatching, we breast-feed the baby..." – she cupped her breast. "Although those produce enriched blood, not milk." – she opened her mouth, showing her sharp canine teeth. "It seems we evolved from a vampire species. Thanks Goddess we have functional nipples, and..."
Nel grabbed her wrist, silencing her before she could tell too much. Alice choked a bit, nervously rubbing a hand on her neck.
Kali shrugged, rolled her eyes, and threw her arms up, in a perfect human gesture, then complained "WHY NOT?"
The xenobiologist seemed a bit miffed over the human getting grossed out by something that small. She grumbled about how some creatures from Earth were way more fucked up, and mentioned the sex life of bed bugs and hermaphroditic flatworms, and "girl, get it over with".
Other people in the room chuckled, sighed and commented. "Oh Kali, always so subtle." – "Girl, need a glass of tomato juice?" – "maybe a transfusion?"
Ch'ara worried. "Are you alright?"
Alice worried a lot more. She asked "Did you bring me here to … suck my blood?"
"Goddess NO!" Nel blurted. "That would be so rude! And... also very illegal."
Kali turned fully towards Alice, and gently placed one hand on her thigh. "Well, unless you ask, and even if you do, since it's... very intimate and kinky stuff... it would need lots of trust and knowing each other. So, definitely not on our first date."
Alice reluctantly managed to remove her hand from her own neck, while Kali giggled.
Ch'ara shared a tender look with her lover, then added "It's also a part of the bonding ceremony... well, the most intense part."
Kali pragmatically went on with "Yeah, well. We're aliens, OK? We also find some of your stuff quite disgusting... like killing each other or eating animals."
Alice choked. "Wait. You're... pacifist vegan vampires?"
Nel tried to calm things down, lecturing "That vampire ancestor was a hundred millions years ago... you were tiny monkeys at this time, so I guess it would be a draw. It is much more practical to be able to eat... well, normal food, anyway. So, here, we're mostly vegan. At home, we grow meat in tanks. So we don't have to kill it, which solves the problem. We're nice girls... you know..."
Alice sighed. "Phew... appearances, eh? *ahem* Was all this...a joke?"
Nel and Ch'ara showed their wrists. On the tender side where all the veins run, there were indeed two little puncture scars, and a discreet, yet elaborate bonding tatoo.
Alice's endless stream of disappointing exes flashed back into her mind.
"Shit. That does say a lot about commitment" she said.
She was a bit embarrassed and looked towards Kali, who interpreted this as a question, and began a passionate exposé of her findings, with lots of explicit gesturing, and of course trying to explain about the meld... after a while she noticed the human was not really listening, instead being mesmerized by Nel and Ch'ara, snuggling together into the couch, lost in each other's eyes, obviously completely in love.
Kali whispered "Yes, that's something we have in common..."
Right at that moment, Nel and Ch'ara's eyes turned black. Kali sighed, mumbled something, raised, grabbed Alice's wrist, and began to lead her out.
She froze at Nel's call "Hey Kali... it is late, you take care of Alice, alright?"
They said their goodnights. Ch'ara and Nel left the room.