may flowers

An unlucky number to end on. I hope you've all enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sticking with it, if you have.

Chapter Thirteen

She closes her eyes and counts to ten.

The world around her is busy. New York doesn't stop for anyone. The air of the city is thick with pollution and clings to her skin as she breathes out slowly, calming the erratic patter of her heart. Places a hand on her stomach to make sure she's breathing for real, not just faking, like her therapist taught her.

"Kate?"

The little girl tugs on her hand with wide, sad eyes. She tries to smile, think of something encouraging to say, but she falls mute. Alexis simply waits, watching her.

"C'mon," she finally manages.

Not for the first time, she is grateful that Alexis is mature for her age. Of course, she loves the moments that Alexis allows herself to simply be a child, the moments when she and her father revel in the innocence of the young. But right now, she doesn't want innocence. Can't do innocence. Not when this is going to hurt so badly.

The grass is still damp from the rain that had fallen that morning, so she lays her blazer down on the ground to sit on as a blanket. She crosses her legs and Alexis plops herself down into her lap without asking, and Kate's arms wrap around her small frame easily. As though they've been doing this for years.

"This is my mom. Johanna Beckett," she tells her.

Alexis sighs. "That's a pretty name."

"She was a beautiful woman... she was killed when I was nineteen."

"Oh."

Alexis looks away from Johanna's grave to Kate. She looks exactly like Castle, Kate thinks, when she's sad - that same kicked puppy look that makes her scars hum and replace her hands with band-aids. It's the eyes. And, oh, how she has missed Castle's eyes. They're the thing she misses about him most. They're so expressive, his eyes, and the way he had looked at her had always made her think that maybe she was worth fixing. It's been eight days since he left her. And still, at night, she thinks about the way he looked at her when daybreak would first filter through the city in the morning.

"The killer was never caught."

"But Daddy says you're the best detective in the world," Alexis says, confused. "You always get justice. Don't you?"

Kate's eyes water and her throat stings. "Most of the time. But not… not for her."

Alexis looks back at the grave. It's simple, and understated, and less than her mother deserves. But her father had been drinking, and she had been spiralling, and there had not been much closure in death.

"It's why I became a detective. I actually wanted to be a lawyer, like my mom and dad. But then I joined the police academy because I wanted to catch her killer."

"But you didn't."

Kate takes a jagged breath and kisses the top of Alexis's head. "No, I didn't."

"And it's why you were shot?"

Alexis twists again, resting her hand between Kate's breasts, making the fabric of her shirt rustle.

"Yeah… And I never found the guy who shot me, either. It's why I had so many nightmares, you remember how I told you about that?" She asks, waiting for Alexis to nod. "It's why I had to have therapy. I still go."

Alexis's eyes go wide. "But you're so happy, Kate."

She smiles, cupping Alexis's cheek with her palm. The tears spill from her eyes even as she berates herself for it. She'd wanted to stay strong for Alexis, teach her that there is no shame in weakness, that needing help isn't wrong. Most days, she doesn't know how to remember these things herself. The least she can do is make sure Alexis never has to feel an inch of what she does herself.

"You and your dad make me very happy, Alexis. And a lot of time in therapy has allowed me to see that I can move on and be happy even if my mom's killer is never caught. For a long time I didn't think that was possible."

Alexis goes quiet and rests her head on Kate's shoulder. Kate smooths a hand along Alexis's side, settling on her hip and gripping her tightly in a side hug. It's late, and darkness is spilling across the sky, and Kate watches as an elderly woman presses a kiss to her fingers and lets them linger on the grave in front of her. New York never stops. Everyone has their own story. She wishes this hadn't been her own, but it's all she's been given.

She'll make it work. Someday.

"So there's nothing wrong with me? For - for needing to go to therapy like you and daddy suggested?"

"Oh, Alexis, no," she presses Alexis back softly so she can see her face. "There is nothing wrong with you. You are absolutely perfect, and we just want to make sure that you're happy. That's all that matters. That's all we want."

Alexis nods, sniffling a little as they both cry. "What do the words on the grave mean?"

Kate laughs, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. "Truth conquers all things. It was my mom's favourite saying."

"I like it."

Kate kisses Alexis's forehead softly. "Me too."

Alexis's therapist is a young woman who looks like she couldn't have been long out of college, but has more degrees and awards than Kate can think to count. She and Castle had looked her up online weeks ago, before everything had fallen apart, and Doctor Wright's good reputation had been undeniable. One of the best child therapists Manhattan had to offer.

When she first walks into the hallway, Kate is shocked at how friendly she is. In a way that is completely natural. Her black hair tumbles in curls around her shoulders and her smile makes her cheeks round and soft, dark eyes stable like the earth. She holds her hand out for Alexis to shake, holding her smile.

"You must be Alexis. I'm Doctor Wright, but you can call me Hayley if you like."

Alexis accepts her hand shyly. "Hello… Hayley."

"And you must be Alexis's parents," the doctor surmises, turning to Castle and Kate.

"Oh, no. I'm Alexis's father. Richard Castle. This is Kate. She's not…"

She doesn't look at him. Can't. Feels a pressure against her sternum that she can't shake off. "I'm a friend of the family."

She accepts Doctor Wright's firm handshake shakily. The waiting room is adorned with toys for the younger children, the wallpaper bright and cartoon animals smile all around them. Still, the place unsettles her - she's too used to dread curling in the pit of her stomach when she thinks of therapy. Too used to the idea that she's going to fail, that she is not improving enough, when mental health can't be ignored like all of the other times she's been hurt.

"It's good that you came. Support is extremely important for Alexis at this time," Doctor Wright says, before looking down at Alexis. "Do you want either of them to come in with you, sweetie?"

Alexis looks down at her feet and shakes her head. Kate doesn't hold it against her, and looks down at her own feet as Castle leans down to brush a kiss against his daughter's forehead.

"We'll be right outside this whole time. You need us, you just say the word," he tells her.

Alexis nods silently, following Doctor Wright into her office, disappearing behind the door as it closes. Kate turns and makes her way over to the chairs, sitting down and crossing her arms across her chest. She feels Castle sit next to her and watches the way the other parents in the room sit with worried expressions, discussing medication and weekly appointments and spending more time with their children. It's not an environment she had ever thought she'd be in. It's too quiet and sad.

Kate watches the receptionist as she picks up the toys littered across the floor, scooping them up in her arms before depositing them in the treasure chest themed toy box in the corner. A little boy with blonde hair and a sweet smile steals one from her arms before she can, sitting down on the carpet and running the toy car along the ground. He must be the younger sibling of a patient, she thinks. And then he looks up, over at a set of parents sat behind herself and Castle, asking his dad to come play with him with pleading blue eyes. And it's too early, and too late, but she had been picturing her own children with blue eyes.

"Thank you for coming. It means a lot to Alexis."

Her eyes dart to his hands, curled in his lap. It's the closest they've been in weeks. She can feel the warmth of his body brush against her shoulder.

"Of course. I wouldn't have missed this."

It's the first time they've been alone in so long and she can't help herself. Reaches out to take his hand in hers.

"Castle…"

His hand pulls away quicker than lightning, and then he's on his feet.

"I'm going to get something from the vending machine."

Kate sighs, looks up at the ceiling, and blinks away her tears.

They settle into routine. Alexis is recommended weekly appointments with her therapist, so every friday afternoon she ends work early and picks Alexis up from school. They spend a couple hours together to help cheer her up and ease any anxieties she has about the appointment, before meeting Castle at the therapist's office. At which point, the young girl follows her therapist into the office, and she and Castle do not speak. Her cheeks still burn from his rejection, and for five weeks she learns how physical closeness is nothing in comparison to what they used to have.

Sometimes, Alexis asks why she no longer stops by the loft, why she never has dinner with them or accompanies them during movie marathons. Every time, she has an excuse lined up on the tip of her tongue, ones she and Castle had agreed on. She's busy with work, is having dinner with her dad, has a meeting to go to. Soon enough, Alexis stops asking. The guilt does not go away.

"You can stop bringing her."

They're alone in the waiting room except for the receptionist and at first she thinks she's dreamed the words. But then she looks at Castle and finds him looking at her and all of the breath leaves her lungs.

"What?"

"Alexis. There's no point continuing like this. It's unhealthy for her. She needs stability and honesty."

"You're the one that wanted to lie to her."

"She's my daughter."

Her hands shake as she bites back the angry words that rise like bile in her throat. He's glowering and she clenches her teeth, hoping it will hold back tears, because she refuses to cry in front of this man. Too many nights she has spent alone crying for him, too many nights he'll never know or care about and she refuses to give him any more. But Alexis -

Alexis needs stability. She needs routine. She can't just leave her life, abandon her when she's so vulnerable. So long ago, she had wondered what her role would be in Alexis's life. Worried that he thought she would be comfortable taking the place of her mother. And she doesn't want that. She doesn't want to be Alexis's mother, because that's not what she is. But she's not just a friend of the family either, and she's not just going to be pushed aside when it feels like that little girl needs her. Someone who understands what she's going through. And Alexis is her last link. Her last link to Castle.

"You can't just push me out. That's not good for Alexis, she needs - "

"She needs her family."

"I am her family," Kate protests hoarsely.

Castle laughs bitterly, shaking his head and she lifts up onto her feet to pace the residual anger away. She knows he's watching her, and she waits for him to say something, to give in. Allow her this one thing.

"Can I take her out for lunch tomorrow? To tell her that we broke up and that I can't… that you won't…"

Kate scrubs a hand over her eyes. She has to give them up.

It's not working.

"I don't think it's a good idea, Kate. It's probably best if it comes from me."

Her eyes are watering when she looks over at him and at the sight he rises to his feet. She takes a step back.

"I love you, Castle. And I love that little girl, and your mother, and I want to be there. I want to be part of your family, Rick, I - "

The door to Doctor Wright's door opens and she swipes her tears away immediately. Alexis looks a little happier than usual and skips over to her, wrapping her hands around Kate's hips and propping her chin on her stomach to smile up at her.

"You're looking happy," Kate remarks, running a hand through the girl's hair. Getting a little long, in need of a haircut.

"Daddy and I are going to the Hamptons this weekend. Paige is coming too!"

Kate crouches down until she can wrap her own arms around Alexis. In the background, she hears Doctor Wright telling Castle time away will be a good thing for Alexis. Her grip on the young girl grows a little bit tighter.

"Kate?"

"Have a great time, Alexis. Say hi to Paige for me?" She pulls away, cupping the young girl's cheek.

"I'll see you when I get home. You said Lanie wanted to go out for dinner with you and me again!"

Her eyes flicker to Castle and he shakes his head. She looks back to Alexis and makes sure she plasters on the biggest smile she can muster.

"I think your dad has better plans."

Two weeks pass and Castle doesn't contact her to change his mind. There's no way she can fight him. After all, Alexis isn't hers. She only knew them for eight months. Dated him for five of those. It'd been a minor fraction of the life she lives. And yet, sometimes, when the looks from the boys get too pitying over lunch, she takes herself to central park and watches other families and thinks of them. Of what they could've had. June, and the children catch bugs and have picnics and she finds herself missing something that she never had fiercely. Her father had known Castle made her happy. She had known that. It seems everyone did but the man himself.

Lanie pours the wine as she opens the windows of her apartment for the cool summer breeze. She loves the heat, loves walking around her apartment with no socks on and the wooden floor cooling her feet. Loves wearing shorts and tying her hair up and soaking up the sun. She wonders where he is now, if he likes the summer half as much as she does. She thinks he must do, if he owns a place in the Hamptons.

"You have got to get out more, girl," Lanie says as they both settle on the couch, wine in hand. "It's been what, seven weeks? I refuse to let you become the girl who sits around all night moping over a guy."

"I do not mope, Lanie."

"Then what do you call this?" She asks, gesturing to her cluttered coffee table. Littered with takeout cartons and bottles of wine and more than a couple romcom DVDs.

"The life of a single woman in her thirties."

Lanie rolls her eyes. "Honey, I know you love him - "

"Lanie, please. I don't want to talk about it. Him."

Her friend reaches out to wrap a hand around her knee and Kate takes a gulp of her wine. She really doesn't want to talk about Castle. Because if she does, it makes what's happening real. She can't just pretend that this is all a bad dream. If she talks about it, then she has to face how she really feels, and she's reached a point now when she's able to think about him and even though it hurts she can still carry on. She doesn't want to ruin that progress.

"Fine. You give yourself an ulcer. But I need to rant about Javi, because let me tell you…"

Eventually, their conversation turns away from men and onto the strangest cases they've worked. The hours pass easily, and she smiles, and lets herself have fun without thinking about how much better life would be if after this she could go to him and tell him about her girl's night with Lanie, and fall asleep to the sound of his breathing, and wake up to his teasing about her drinking too much wine.

"Katherine Beckett, what is this?"

Lanie rounds the corner wielding the Nikki Heat manuscript.

"Were you looking through my stuff?" She hisses.

"I was looking for a corkscrew to open the new bottle of wine! It's not my fault you left this in a drawer that's easily accessible."

Kate stands and peels the manuscript from Lanie's hands, clutching it to her chest protectively. She'd forgotten about it, figured she had hidden it away safely in her bedroom, away from Lanie's prying eyes. After all, she reads it often.

"Kate," Lanie says softly, moving closer to hug her. "Is this the book he wrote about you?"

Kate sighs, still clutching the manuscript as she buries her face in Lanie's shoulder. "It was supposed to be. He's not publishing it anymore. He took up an old offer to write some spy novels instead."

Lanie rubs her back comfortingly and she curls her arms tighter around the manuscript. The pages are growing a little dog eared. Already, she's worried about ruining it. It's the only copy besides his. It's precious. The only real thing she has left of him beside a couple t-shirts he'd left in a drawer and his toothbrush and photos on her phone that she still can't bring herself to delete.

"I want to say he's a bad guy for the way he's treated you," her friend says, pulling away. "But honey, he wrote a book about you."

Kate looks down and traces the dedication.

To the extraordinary KB, and all of the light she brings.

It's almost two in the morning and she knows that she shouldn't be breaking into his apartment. Logically, she knows it's not the right thing to do. But Lanie had left a little after midnight and there had still been half a bottle of wine left, and now her hand is a little numb as she uses the key she'd forgotten to return to break into his apartment. The door opens a little easier than she'd like and she stumbles slightly, catching herself before she manages to fall.

Quickly, she sheds her heels before she can grow too noisy. Jeez, what is she doing? She is a cop. This is exactly the kind of thing people get arrested over. And at this point, she doesn't think she'd be surprised if he called the police. It'd be interesting to explain to Gates why she was arrested, drunk, breaking into her ex-boyfriend's apartment at two in the morning because it turns out she's a little more needy when it comes to him than she'd like.

Her hips bump the sofa as she tries to make her way through the front room quietly and she grimaces. The door to his office is closed, but through the bookcases she can see a dim light. White light, and she figures he's awake. Probably writing. He does that a lot. Sometimes she'd wake and have to convince him to come back to bed because she couldn't stand sleeping there without him. The bed was too big just for her.

Kate takes a deep breath, resting her forehead on the door. She could just go. Pretend this moment of weakness never happened.

She opens the door.

Castle jerks up from his seat when he sees her, laptop clunking from his legs onto the desk. She sways slightly, shoulder bumping the doorframe and suddenly all of the words she had planned to say feel foreign in her mind.

"Kate?"

She's frozen, staring at him with the key in her hands. Something. She had come here with the plan to say something.

He moves around the desk until he's standing in front of her, and she thinks he should be angry. If he had done this to her, she would've kicked him out in an instant. Instead he forces her to look up at him, fingers curling around her jaw.

"Are you drunk?"

Her head feels heavy and she rests it in his hands, no longer trusting herself to hold it up. Things are spinning, but she's not quite sure if it's because of him or the alcohol. She's not sure which one she'd rather.

"Lanie came round. Had wine. Some shots? I think. I don't know. She left and I had more wine," she tells him, tongue thick in her mouth and then his arms are around her and the world is moving and she's moving with it. In his arms? She's in his arms.

"And you drove here? By yourself?"

He's laying her down on the sofa, and she wraps her arms around his neck, refusing to let him stand. "No. Walked."

"You walked here on your own? Drunk? Jesus, Kate."

"I miss you. I miss you so much, Castle," she tells him, gripping him tightly. "And I miss Alexis, and Martha, and I miss you all the time."

"Kate," he murmurs. "Let me get you some water. You need to sleep this off."

Kate wrenches herself until she's sitting upright even as the world spins, tugging on his arm until he sighs and sits down next to her. For the first time in weeks, she can wrap her arms around him like she used to. Rest her forehead against his neck, lips at his sternum. Feel him close and surrounded by his warmth and this is all she wants for the rest of her life. This closeness. This warmth. He's the first man she's ever fought so hard to keep.

"You're the first person I'd seen a future with, Castle. For so long my only plan for the future has been catching my mother's killer. But you - "

"Kate. You're drunk. Please."

"You know I mean it. You do."

He pulls away and she doesn't reach for him. Refuses to keep acting so needy if he's so determined to push her away.

"You lied to me, Kate. You lied. Jesus, Kate, these guys shot you, and put you through Hell. They endanger your life and those around you and you thought it was okay to do that? To put Alexis in danger like that?"

Kate rests her head in her hands as they tremble. She hadn't meant to do this. Lose him to her mother's case like she did everyone else. They'd had such a good thing going for them.

"I didn't… I didn't lie," she says, but her mind is blurry. "I wasn't investigating. Not really. I made that whole board years ago. Before I met you. And I - I don't know how to let go Castle. I don't know if I can. I'm trying, I want to try. Castle, I want to let go. I do. There was a case in May - and it was to do with my mom and I - I just wanted to come to you and see what you'd say because you always know what to say but I knew I couldn't, and I pushed to far and Castle I'm trying."

When she begins to cry, he's back again, and she's not sure if her vision is blurring or if he's crying too. His arms rope around her and she wants to push him away and drag him closer at the same time and all she can wonder is how they managed to get into this position. They were so good, so happy. And she knows she can be happy without him, but she doesn't want to be without him. Not over something she's been working on for so long, even before she had met him.

"I'm sorry," she slurs. "Castle, I love you, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied. I know. I know that."

"Shh," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to her temple and she grips him tightly. "I didn't - I don't want you to quit finding justice because of me, Kate. Your mother deserves justice. I just want you to keep me in the loop. I want to help you. You - you need someone to make sure that you don't get swallowed up in this, someone who is sure you won't end up in danger. That's all I want, Kate. I know we hadn't even been dating long but I'd been thinking about asking you to move in, and then to find out you'd kept that from me... I can't describe how that felt."

"I would've said yes."

In a moment of blind hope, she lifts her head and her mouth finds his. He doesn't push her away, and she's sure she's messy because she's drunk and has missed him fiercely and then he kisses her back and her toes curl as a sob rips out of her. Oh, God. She's missed this. Him. She's missed him so much.

Too soon, he pushes her away gently.

"Let me get you some water. So you can sober up. You can stay in the guest bedroom, you shouldn't go out on your own like this."

He leaves her on the couch with her I love you's and she glowers at his retreating form. Fine. Fine.

She bumps into walls and doorframes on her way into Castle's room, grabbing an old t-shirt of hers and some shorts she'd left in her drawer to sleep in. As she pulls on the shorts, she trips, falling straight onto the mattress with a huff. She's far more drunk than she had originally thought she was. She finally gets back up on her feet, however, and tries to march in a straight line in the kitchen, where Castle passes her some water and insists on walking her up to the room.

"Castle, I'm not two. I can walk upstairs just fine without you hovering around me."

"Listen, Kate, you're drunk. I just think it's better if we talk about this in the morning, so that I know you mean it."

"You know I - "

"Kate," he says, setting his hands on her shoulders. "You're drunk. We'll talk about this in the morning."

In the end, she lets him walk her up the stairs. The alcohol impairs her sense of balance and she stumbles a few times but he's there to catch her, warm hands spanning her waist as if there had never been any distance between them.

"Goodnight, Rick," she murmurs when they reach the top, turning to look at him with her heart in her hands.

He smiles and despite all of the budding anger inside of her, she loves him.

"Until tomorrow, Kate."

Morning comes around earlier than she'd thought. In her drunken state last night, she'd forgotten to close the blinds, so she wakes to a throbbing headache and groans when she finds the room completely filled with white light. Instead of reaching for the water on the bedside cabinet, she shoves her pillow over her head and presses her face into the mattress. Hoping, maybe, if she stays here long enough both her hangover and memory of last night will go away.

Some time after, she hears the door open and close again with a soft snick. The smell of coffee grows thick in the air and she knows it's him, but is too embarrassed to move. God, she'd poured her heart at his feet and he had pushed her away. After she had broken into his apartment at two in the morning drunker than she'd been since she was in college.

"I made you coffee," he says, settling by her hip and she groans. "Figured you needed it."

"You don't have to be nice to me, Castle. I know you want me to go."

Even as she protests, he lifts the pillow away from her face and forces her to look at him.

"Kate. Did you mean it?"

She sits up, reaching out to place a hand on his leg. He watches her earnestly and oh god, she's missed him looking at her like she's more than he could've ever dreamed. Has hated all this distance between them. She should've explained herself sooner. Apologised sooner. And he should've listened to her side of the story.

But they're here now.

"Kate."

She reaches up and cups his cheek with her palm.

"Yes. Yes, Castle," she whispers. "I meant it."

His kiss tastes of coffee.

It feels like home.

The End