For the benefit of the story I have changed the date of Johanna's death to make sure it fits with the storyline. Hope you enjoy this new chapter!
My shoulders are slumped as I walk through the corridors of the school. The dull cream walls feel suffocating as I dodge the over excited students littering the halls and I can't help but feel relieved when I arrive at my first class five minutes before the bell allowing me to take a seat right at the back of the biology class.
The bell eventually rings and students begin to pile into the small class room and the benches soon become crowded however not one person takes a seat next to me or not even the seat after that. People must think I am disgusting. They can't look past the greasy hair and the sunken cheeks. I don't let it get to me though sometimes it is better for people not to know the truth, it lets me pretend for a few hours that my life is normal.
Biology passes quickly and it isn't long until lunch time. I pick up my bag and make my way out of the geography classroom and reluctantly towards the lunch hall. Several people push past me muttering apologies in their mad rush to the lunch hall. Before I walk into the hall I make a quick examination of the tables and notice a rowdy group of boys shouting at my usual table. Why? Seriously. Why? Could I not even have one day without any hassle? I quickly walk out of the hall exasperatedly and make my way out of the entrance to the school. Looks like I will be skipping lunch again. I decide to take a walk up to the florists to buy something for my room and hopefully cheer myself up.
The walk doesn't take long and I soon find myself outside the small florists, the sweet smell of flowers filling my senses. The wind picks up so I quickly grab the handle of the door and make my way inside. The smell increases now that I am inside and my eyes involuntarily shut as I take a calm, relaxing breath hoping to ease the tension in my muscles. The sound of the door opening at the back of the shop draws my attention and I look up to find the owner of the shop making his way towards me with a friendly smile, his grey hair combed back neatly.
"Hello, amico" Antonio pronounces in his thick Italian accent before wrapping me in a hug. I feel myself relaxing in his embrace as the tears build up in my eyes. His grip tightens reassuringly around my shoulder as he senses my sadness before he lets me go with tears of his own present in his eyes.
"You look more like your beautiful mother every day." his eyes shine with adoration as he looks into my wet eyes.
"She would be so proud of you. I certainly am" Antonio doesn't realise how much his words mean to me and I feel my chest constrict. After my grandfather died when my mother was young Antonio became somewhat of a father to my mother, making sure she was well fed when her mother, my grandmother, had to work late nights. After my dad became an alcoholic Antonio stepped up to make sure I was ok, treating me like one of his own. I find myself being the adult so often these days that being around Antonio lets me step down and let someone take care of me. I grab his wrinkled hand and give it a firm squeeze.
"Thank you." a lone tear leaves a glistening path down my check before I have the chance to wipe it away.
"Why don't I make you a sandwich. In the meanwhile feel free to make up a couple of bouquets. Maybe you could take one up to your mothers grave. I got some lilies freshly delivered today" his kind eyes sparkle as he makes his way into the back to make me a sandwich. I used to work here during the holidays when I was younger so making a bouquet is a piece of cake however the thought of making one for my mothers grave leaves me feeling slightly depressed. I walk over to the lilies and pick up a bunch before adding a few red roses to add some colour. I walk over to the desk and pick up the green string before sorting them into a perfect bunch and tying the string to secure them in place.
Antonio walks back in with two cheese sandwiches on a plate and a jug of water. He sets them on the desk then makes his way to the front of the store where he picks up a bouquet of pink orchids and walks back to the counter with a light spring in his step.
"I thought you might like to take this home with you" he say as he sets the orchids on the desk. Pink orchids are my favourite flower and ever since he found out this information he started stocking them in his store.
"Thank You. These will look great in my room." I say as I pick up a cheese sandwich which Antonio pushed towards me.
For the next couple of minutes we find ourselves in a comfortable silence as we both eat our sandwiches. My empty stomach turns from the foreign feeling of food in my stomach and I force myself to eat slower. I think back to the last time I ate and come to the conclusion that it was yesterday lunch time. Its not so much my choice but with my dad not working and my weekend job at the coffee shop not paying much we quite often go hungry for a couple of days at a time. I refuse to spend any of the money I inherited from my mum on food or rent and I most certainly don't let my dad spend it on drink. After mum died a friend of dads offered us one of his farm houses where I only had to pay a small bill for rent every month, my wages still barely covered it and it only leaves me with little money each week for food.
"Kate, I know I shouldn't encourage it but if there is nothing interesting going on at school then I have a few things I need help with here" Antonio says in mock seriousness. We both know Antonio thinks education is a waste of time and that it is more beneficial to be working. My hopes are raised ridiculously high with the thought of skipping school and an involuntary smile makes its way onto my face
"I shall take that as a yes then" Antonio chuckles causing deep wrinkles to appear at the corner of his eyes and I find myself laughing back.
"Where would you like me to start" I say eagerly.
"Maybe you could start with getting rid of all the withered flowers" the way he says it makes it clear that the decision is up to me.
"Sounds good to me." I have become very accustomed to working in the shop so without any more questions I get on with the job. The soft sound of jazz coming from the speakers relaxes me into a pleasant frame of mind as I begin to pull out all the dead flowers from the different flower boxes. My fingers waver as I reach the lilies, my mums favourite. I pull out the withered lilies and run my fingers over the soft petals contemplating its short lived life. I quickly put the flowers in the plastic bag and move on to the next shelve, preventing the emotions from rising up.
It doesn't take me long to make my way around the brightly coloured shop having filled up a few plastic bags of dead flowers whilst Antonio has swept and mopped the floor. I have always loved how much Antonio cares for his shop. He doesn't have a partner or any kids so this shop had become his only love until he took in my mum. I make my way out of the back door and empty the contents of the bags into the compost pile then I make my way back inside to find Antonio sitting at the counter reading an old book which looks like it has been well read.
"Is there anything else you would like me to do?" I ask in a kind tone.
"No, you have done a great job. Why don't you go and take the flowers to the cemetery?" I am secretly happy when Antonio suggests this. I have been looking forward to visiting my mum for a few days now and I am grateful for the opportunity.
"Thanks, that means a lot." I smile up at him.
"Give her my love." Antonio says as he once again enveloped me into an embrace.
"Of course. Have a good day" I say as I pick up the lilies and orchids from the counter.
"You to Kate" he shouts after me as I make my way out of the shop, the wind whipping my face as I make my way across the road giving Antonio a brief wave through the shop window before making my way down the brae and towards the local cemetery.
My thoughts drift back to Rick and my eventful morning. I grip my coat tighter around myself as a shiver makes its way down my body and this time I am sure it isn't from the wind. Trying to take my mind off of Rick I take my phone out of my jean pockets and look through the missed calls quickly realising that they are all from my dad. It is not unusual for my dad to phone me when he gets drunk, either to insult me or tell me how much he loves me. Just before I lock my phone I notice a text from an unknown number, my heart racing as I read it.
Hey Kate. Hope you are having a good afternoon, can't wait for tomorrow! Oh it's Rick by the way X
My heart stutters as my eyes land on the kiss, telling myself that he is just being friendly, trying to keep my hopes in check. I spend the rest of my walk trying to think up a reply. I type my text into my phone just as I reach the entrance of the cemetery.
Hey Rick, looking forward to it. See you tomorrow X
I stuff my phone back into my pocket and take a deep breath and make my way into the cemetery.
The neatly ordered rows of grave stones are surrounded by overgrown grass and yellowing flowers. I make my way up the thin path clutching the flowers to my chest and letting the tears overflow. I am not ashamed to cry here because it feels natural. Its the only place where I can cry without people asking questions.
I final reach my mothers grave stone and I let my fingers run over the engraved lettering of my mothers name which reads:
Johanna Beckett
1958-2004
And now these three remain:
Faith, hope and love
But the greatest of these
Is love.
My legs buckle beneath me, my knees landing painfully on the grass sending stabbing sensations to my hip. My fingers slide down the hard granite and land in my lap as the sobs build in my chest, threatening to explode. I arrange the fallen lilies and roses at the bottom of the gravestone whilst rubbing at my eyes where the tears are spilling out of, not bothering to stop them trailing down my face because I am passed the point of caring. I bow my head as the sobs come on full force my whole body shaking with the exertion and my fingers twitching looking for someone to hold me, but no one comes. The pain in my chest becomes unbearable and I fold into myself, my fingers clawing at my chest as the ugly cries continue to make there up passed my mouth.
I stay like that for a while the sobs eventuating dying away in the sound of the wind. The tears had stopped a while ago but the sobbing has left my muscles feeling sore and the odd spasm in my chest makes me aware of how weak my body is. I don't feel the need to say anything to my mum, sometimes it is best to just soak in the peace and let my emotions take over. There is nothing I would want my mum to hear anyway, everything has gone quickly downhill since she died and I doubt she would be very impressed.
I pick myself up from the grass ignoring the way my knees groan in protest and pick up my orchids. With one last glance at my mothers gravestone I make my way back down the path and towards the entrance. I pull out my pocket mirror from my bag and shy away from my blotchy face. There is nothing I can do about it now and I left my makeup at home so I will just have to keep my head down, go home and try to avoid anyone seeing my face.