A/N: This chapter is for Beautyandharmony, sorry to keep you waiting Love. ;)
Zoe
I've got a body pillow smashed against my back, and another my front, while I lie on my side under my favorite blanket, crying quietly into my pillow. I feel my babies moving around and want to enjoy it, feel my heart ache to share it with Raphael… But there's a growing distance between us that leaves me feeling like we're standing on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon. We're hardly speaking. He doesn't cuddle with me, he hasn't felt the babies move, and he hasn't acted interested like he did with Anton and Andrea.
The fight we had in the living room was probably the most we've spoken this week. He goes through the motions but there are no emotions. He's shut off to me and I miss him horribly. I always thought being separated from him would be the worst thing that could happen to us. I was wrong. Having him right next to me physically but completely checked out emotionally is torture.
I don't try to read him and I haven't reflected on our bond. It's there but it's a quiet breeze rather than the gale force wind it usually carries. Fighting is the only thing that will come of me pushing him to talk to me, and I won't beg him to care about these babies. My fingers dig into the soft fluff of the pillow, no, I won't try to force him to want them, or to care about me.
There's a knock on the bedroom door that briefly draws me from my thoughts. I wipe away my stupid, hormonal, tears and sit up, "Come in."
Exodus sticks her blond head in and her smile fades, "Oh, Zoe. Are you okay?" She slips in the door and crawls onto the bed next to me.
I bite my lip and look out the window as tears escape me. Damn tears. Damn hormones. I wipe them away. "I'm fine."
She wraps an arm around me and I lean against her, feel my resolve waiver, and cry. I sniffle and swipe away my tears with the back of my palm. My insides are drained, as though it's a hundred degrees outside with no breeze and I'm climbing a mountain but am only halfway up. Exodus holds me and I close my eyes, drawing comfort from her just being there. We sit like this, I don't know how long, but it must have been a while, because now there's another knock on my door.
"Come in," Exodus says. I look at her, she shrugs, and smiles at me, "Why not?"
I echo the gesture then snuggle up against her, my large belly pressing against her smaller one.
Karai sticks her head in, "Donnie's looking for-" She looks at the two of us and frowns. She comes in, shutting the door behind her. "He hasn't come back yet?" She crawls up on the other side of me and scoots up close, wrapping her arm around me too.
I shake my head, "No. It's fine…" He'll come back, then we'll fight, and there will be more not talking. I swallow the lump in my throat but more tears slide down my cheeks. No, I'm not in a rush to get to that.
Karai has her head on one of my shoulders and Exodus the other. They don't say anything we just hold each other and I feel loved, despite the missing piece of me that's currently off somewhere doing who knows what.
There's yet another knock on the door.
"Come in!" Karai and Exodus say in unison. I look at them and they both smile, "Why not?" They say together.
April sticks her head in, "Don is looking for-" She frowns as her eyes sweep over the three of us, "Aw, Zoe, he hasn't come back yet?" She stomps in and kicks the door shut with such force the three of us jump.
"Wow April, get that door." Karai laughs.
I giggle despite my tears.
"Well I'm sick of their shit. I thought I was mad at you girls, but I realize now that I'm fed up with Raph's brooding and Donatello's doom and gloom. This is ridiculous." She looks at me, "and you deserve our support. This family can do better than this shit and I'm sorry for my part in it." She squeezes up between me and Exodus.
"Hey that's my spot!" X protests.
"Share, please." April smiles at her and Exodus curls up to April, April cuddles up to me and Karai leans her head against my shoulder again.
We must've dozed off because I find myself stiff when I stir, hearing the door open, "Zoe, Don's waitin' to check you out." It's Raph's voice. "What's goin' on in here?"
I open my eyes and glance at the sleeping girls draped around me. As if you care? I look in Raph's distant crystal green eyes, my chest tightens and I know I'm about to say things I may regret. "They decided they're not afraid to love me no matter what might happen. It's too bad you don't feel that way Raphael. Now go away." I look away from him toward the window as a few traitorous tears escape me.
Suddenly I feel strong arms lifting me away from the comforting warmth of my friends.
"Hey!" Exodus and Karai protest.
"Raph!" April groans.
"Look at me Zoe." He's holding me up in his 'you will listen to me', eye to eye position.
I close my eyes warily and, already feeling drained, shake my head, "Just go away."
"Fuck no. Open your eyes and look at me." He holds me there and I don't resist, but I don't look at him either. My body aches everywhere, I was warm and for once felt like someone supported what I'm doing, and here you come along and take that away from me. You take my cookies, my friends, you don't talk to me…
He shifts me to where I'm cradled in his arms and I draw my own across my chest and glare at my belly. And now we're moving, out of the room and down the stairs. "I'm not going to do this with you. I'm not." He says as he sits me down on the table in Don's lab.
I lift my chin and glare at him, seeing Donatello in my peripheral, "No you're right, you're not."
He leans over so he's eye to eye with me, "What the hell are you talkin' about?"
"What you're not going to do with me. You're not in this with me at all." I look in his eyes and feel my chest tighten. Why does he keep asking me these questions? Why does he look as confused as I suddenly feel? My resolve is slipping, making room for self-doubt.
He frowns, shakes his head, "Here she is Don. Do your thing." He sits down in the rolling chair next to the table and crosses his arms over his plastron.
Don stares at us for a few minutes. Raph and I aren't looking at each other. I'm sitting on the table, my belly making me uncomfortable as I stare at the wall of lab equipment in front of me. How did this happen? How did we plan this, this gift for Antonello, only to have it go so wrong?
"Mike was right." Don says finally and I feel his eyes scan me over.
"What do you mean?" Raph grumbles.
"Not to talk about you like you're not here or anything Zoe, but you look like crap."
"She does not." Raph snaps at him.
"Not like that Raph, look at her. Look at her. You need to look at her. You and I, we're wearing her down and that's the last thing she needs." He stands up and puts his hand on my shoulder.
I look into his amber eyes, skeptical until I recognize the old Donnie, my loving brother, has returned to me.
"I'm sorry Zoe. My fears for you, and my fear of failing you, my brother, your kids and this family, they took over me and I've been taking it out on you." He shakes his head, "Not anymore. I promise. I'm still going to look out for you, but I will be me, your brother. I'm with you not against you." He wraps an arm around me and I find myself hugging him back and hoping that maybe we are rounding a corner.
He releases me, looks at us both then starts adjusting his equipment. "Alright Zoe, we're at twenty weeks. Let's see how things are looking."
I lie back on the table, inch my t-shirt up and lower the waistband of my yoga pants. Don squirts the gel over my belly then I feel the light pressure of the wand as he moves it around. He doesn't turn on the sound of their heartbeats. It's a strange, frantic, overlapping noise and he knows it makes me a little nervous.
Don laughs a little and I realize I've still been staring at the wall. I notice Raph was looking at the floor beside me and we both look at him.
"They look really good Zoe. Really good," he smiles at me and the sincerity in his eyes soothes my battered nerves.
"Really?" I ask, hopefully.
"Yes. I want to get a measurement, weight and blood pressure on you. I also think you should start easing into the idea of more bed rest. Start with an extra hour in the morning and another hour in the afternoon. As long as you aren't having any complications we'll just make those changes for now. But they look good and their really active."
They look good. We're fine, all four of us. My heart skips a beat as a great wash of relief cascades over me. "Thanks Donnie."
He measures me then checks my weight.
"Are you taking the vitamins I gave you?"
"Every day."
"I'm going to do some blood-work. You look paler than usual." Don opens a cabinet and pulls his blood drawing supplies.
"If that's even possible," Raph grumbles.
"And I'd like it if you gained a little more weight. But please, not by cookies alone." Donatello's bedside manner has returned and I'm feeling much better, as he draws my blood, then checks my blood pressure.
"You're blood pressure is perfect." Don shakes his head then looks from me to Raph, and back, "I told April I'd give her a break from Rachel this afternoon. So I'm going to go check in with her." Abruptly, he walks out of the lab without looking back.
Raph and I sit in silence. I can feel him staring at me, and I chew on my lip, waiting. I won't make the first move, not after he threw a fit, disappeared for hours, then yanks me from my friends… He's right by the door, so I have to walk by him if I want to leave the room. There's an ever present ache in my chest, one that even the support of my friends, my family, cannot quell. I can't remember ever feeling this disconnected from him, even with the bond we share, I just feel alone.
"I don't know what to say." He says finally.
Well that's nothing new. I nod. "Say how you feel."
"You know how I feel."
I look at him and I can't help how my heart hurts. I want so badly for him to be happy again. I want my unguarded love back. "No Raphael, I don't."
He shakes his head and rubs his hands over his face, "What the hell Zoe? What do you want from me?"
I go to get off the table but I lose my balance and he reaches out to steady me. The second his hands wrap around my arms I feel it. I admit I tuned right into him. I'm tired of him not touching me. I'm sick of him not talking to me. I'm fed up with him being there, but not. His fingers are searing into my skin with the love that he's struggling to contain as he stands over me and I lean my head against his plastron. "I just want my best friend back. I want my love back. I want you."
"I'm right here." He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head.