Zoe

Three Weeks Later

"Mommy, I can't see the snowman. I can't see him!" Andrea is spinning around in circles while looking down at her shirt. Every time her back flashes by me I see the snowman print on it.

"Drea' it's on backwards. Let me help you." I reach out to her, but she screams back at me.

"No I can do it! I do it myself!" Her blue eyes flash with frustration and her little teeth peek out from behind her curled pink lips as she swats my hands away.

"Okay, okay. First take the shirt back off." I sit on the edge of the bed and rub the aching ligaments below my belly. I feel like I'm nine months pregnant now. I try to sit up straighter and resist the urge to groan, instead letting out a resigning sigh.

Andrea spins around and around, "Mommy! I can't get it off!"

Fortunately, Raph chooses this moment to walk in with Anton perched on his shoulders. "What's going on in here? I can hear Drea' squealin' from downstairs."

I take a deep breath and look over at him, my voice echoing my constant state of exhaustion and discomfort, "She can't get her shirt off, she put it on backwards and she won't let me help her." I shift uncomfortably as I feel babies brushing up against one another. I thought feeling one baby move was awesome, this just feels like a competition for space.

"Let Daddy help ya Drea,'" He lifts Anton and places him next to me. Antonello immediately begins jumping on the bed. Andrea stops spinning and stands dutifully while Raph helps her fix her shirt.

"Why wouldn't she let me do that?" I rub my face. Anton continues bouncing on the bed and begins bumping into me. "Antonello please, stop jumping on the bed."

He ignores me, bouncing higher.

"Anton, knock it off. Come on you two, Sofu wants to tell you a story this morning after breakfast." Raph wraps an arm around Anton and another around Andrea. He looks at me with serious eyes, "Don wants to talk to us all this morning."

I raise my eyebrows, "Everything okay?"

"I think so. Maybe. I think Don wants to talk about… what's to expect the next couple of weeks." He glances at my belly while adjusting the two squirming kids under his arms, then turns, using his foot to open the door further. He calls to me from the hall without looking back, "No stairs, so I'll come back for ya in a minute."

He acts like he wants to be close to me, but I've come to suspect that maybe he's afraid for how vulnerable that will leave him if all hell breaks loose. I understand, but I still miss him. I sigh. At least he and Donnie aren't biting my head off anymore.

I scoot back on the bed and pull my body pillow up under me, then I feel the strain on my lower back muscles trying to hold me on my side, so I reach over and pull another pillow up behind me. I groan. I haven't even gotten out of bed yet and I'm already tired. Well I got dressed then got back in the bed, so I don't know if that counts as getting out of the bed or not.

"Zoe?" Raph says softly.

I lift my head a little, "Yeah?"

"I came back for ya. Donnie's got everyone in the lab. You ready?" He stands over me and I feel his eyes looking me over.

"Sure, let me just pry myself from this comfortable pillow so that I can go be the center of yet another humiliating public announcement." I bury my face back in the pillow, rubbing against the soft cream color pillowcase, before resting my cheek against it.

"We just want you to be okay Z."

I feel his fingers brush the hair back from my face and my heart jerks. He's hardly touched me, aside from any assistance he provides. This is a particularly small but sweet gesture, leaving him open to the well of emotions he's trying to suppress. But the moment is fleeting, as he next scoops me off the bed and I opt to lean my head against his massive shoulder, accepting the ride downstairs.

He sets me down as he reaches the last step, knowing that I refuse to be carried around beyond them. After all, I'm no wimp.

I wave good morning at Splinter as he tells the children a story in the play area. He smiles at me but doesn't stop, so as not to draw the children's attention to me. I catch a glimpse of Rachel sleeping in the pack n play. Raph takes my hand and leads me to Donnie's lab, which is very crowded and strangely very bare.

"What happened to all of your stuff Donnie?" I ask as Raph and I slip in and take a spot by the door. I like being close to the door. It's bodes well should I feel the need to bolt… or pee, whichever comes first. Leo and Karai are standing on the other side of the table next to Mike and Exodus while April lingers near Donatello who's standing next to his desk jotting some things in a notebook. He puts his pen down and looks up.

"I've stripped the lab down to bare necessities until all babies are delivered. I'm going to start sanitizing this room several times a day. I need everyone to stay out of it unless I've asked you in."

Donnie, as usual, doesn't feel the need to introduce today's topics and just delves in. He looks at Karai, Exodus and then me. "We've been really lucky so far with the three babies that we have delivered. I should've been preparing for the chance that one of you would need surgery this entire time. And I had studied it for an emergency situation but I'd hoped it would never happen. But ninety percent of triplet births are delivered by caesarean. That's as much an act of caution for everything that can go wrong if you try to deliver them naturally. Chances are good that not all babies will be head down. There's also a chance for placental abruption. I could go on. The point is I really go back and forth as to what is the best way to get them here." Donatello looks me in the eye now. He'd been glancing around the room taking in each of our family members. He was probably checking to see if everyone was paying attention. I noticed he looked at Mike and Exodus twice each. Yeah, he's making sure they're listening. And as I sneak a peek I see that they are.

"Zoe, this choice should actually be yours to make. There's risk no matter what you choose. You can try to deliver them naturally, but only if they are all head down, and as each one comes the other could still flip. You're blood pressure is great so far, so that leaves you with more options. I would push for a c-section only I'm uncertain about how sterile I can keep the environment and I fear risk of infection." Don rubs his face.

"So here's the thing. If we end up delivering these babies through a c-section and honestly even if we don't, or even if it's half one way and half another, I'm going to need everyone's help." He smiles a little, "It's kind of like a mission actually. Exodus you and Splinter will be on childcare. Please, do not any one leave this room or enter it, without sterilizing each time. Karai and April, you will be my immediate help." Donnie sighs, "Now I'm glad you attended those midwife classes with Zoe when April was pregnant with Rachel." He rubs his face, "Anyway, I'm also assigning each of you a baby. Leo, you're on baby A. Raph, baby B. And Mike you're on baby C."

"Wait, we're going to be in here while you've got Zoe cut open?" Leo swallows, as if the reality of the situation just hit him.

Donnie frowns at Leo, "Yes. I can't take care of Zoe and three babies at the same time, and I can't tie April and Karai up with a baby when I may need them to help me. Everyone in this room has a vital role. There can be no passing out either, so if you think you might, just don't look." Don is eyeing each of us carefully as if he is about to lead us into battle.

This is so embarrassing, I hate being the center of attention, I loathe being the patient, and I just want this all to be over with.

As I shift uncomfortably, trying not to grunt and sigh, I notice April pressing her lips together, her brow furrowed. She blinks, licks her lips and finally speaks. "Don, I'm worried about whether or not I can handle looking at my friend cut open." April's voice is soft and her eyes sink to floor as if she's failed him.

Don strokes her shoulder, "You can do this April."

"Are you sure?" She looks at him, a deep frown on her thin pink lips.

As I glance around the room, I see various emotions in each of their eyes, fear, worry, concern, and I'm sorry that I need their help, but I'm not sorry for wanting these babies. "Yes April, I've seen you in crunch time and you step up. You'll be fine." I answer for him, reassuring my sister. She can do it, she's done it before, she helped me when Raph knocked Donnie out during Antonello's birth.

Don looks at me as if he's about to throw a wrench in my newfound resolve, "Zoe, there's two types of anesthesia for a c-section. And although it's less common I'm opting for general."

What? His words hit me like a slap across my face. My eyes widen, "But then I won't be awake!"

"I know, but I can't have you jumping off the table and I don't think you'd take well to being strapped down." He puts a hand on each of my arms, "Do you honestly feel that while in labor you will stay in control and be able to tolerate being strapped down to a table? Without any doubt, whatsoever?"

Flashbacks of years worth of lab procedures, including the last time I found myself strapped to a table with Stockman and Darius Flint threatening Andrea's existence, caused me to reel. My world tilts on its axis and I sway.

"Zoe?" Don slips his hand behind my back and I feel Raph switch him places.

"Lean on me Z, I've got ya." I feel his arm around me and I cling to him while my heart slams hard against my breast. I'm losing control of this whole thing. I'm losing control. I won't, I don't, I can't control what happens. I look up at Donatello, "I don't have any control over anything right now do I?"

Suddenly I understand how Raph feels.

Don doesn't answer me and I'm glad. Control has always been a struggle for me and I was so grateful Raph helped me obtain it, and in turn he grew and developed more of his own. We spent hours, weeks, months and now years training together. Every challenge we encountered in and outside of the dojo was yet another test of control, his of his temper, mine over myself altogether, and we had both grown so much.

And here I am faced with losing it again.

Donnie's gaze shifts to Leo, then flickers over each of our family members, "I need to meet with each of you, to go over what your individual responsibilities will entail. Karai and April, you two meet with me daily from here on and we will go over everything and practice and discuss different scenarios. Leo, Mike, and Raph, we'll meet weekly to go over what to do with and expect for the babies."

The sound of my pulse swishes through my ears in a near deafening rhythm, my heart still beating so hard I can feel it and the sensation is unsettling. "Are we done Donnie? I need… I need a minute." Raph lets me go and I duck out of the lab without waiting for Donatello's answer.

I make my way to the backdoor, struggle to get my sneakers on then slip into my winter coat. I sense Raph following me and decide I'm fine with that. I shut the door silently behind me and head for the barn/dojo. It's almost spring, but there's eight inches of snow on the ground and I feel it soaking through my walking shoes. A bitter wind scrapes against my face and I welcome the feeling anyway. Feeling anything is better than the wretched emptiness I'm becoming accustomed to.

I wrap my fingers around the latch to the barn door and step inside. The dojo has always served as my sanctuary… well for as long as I've been with the boys anyway. In my old life the dojo was as much a battlefield as any other. I look around and feel the ache of loss. I miss working out, pushing my body to its limit. I miss the sweet reprieve from my emotions as they surrender to the fatigue I placed on every muscle.

Settling myself in the center of the wrestling mats I try to sort out my thoughts. I want to give my son brothers. He needs them, he deserves them. This isn't a mistake. It's just more than what we'd hoped for. I refuse to believe I've made the wrong decision when at first it had felt so right. I started out so sure. Now… now I feel my confidence slipping, giving way to fear. There is nothing I hate more than fear, except maybe the idea of losing control. And the two infinitely go hand in hand.

I sense him slip in. He's not going for his usual brute, head on approach. He's opting more on the side of ninja stealth, which I appreciate, because his movements imply thought over impulse and they are both beautiful and graceful. He sits alongside me, never making a sound.

We haven't been alone in a couple months. He's been keeping himself busy with the kids or training. When he comes to bed I'm usually fast asleep and he's been getting up before me. To some extent I'm as guilty of avoiding him as he is me. I will leave a room when he enters it. I avoid looking him in the eye. I don't reach out to him. I don't speak first and he doesn't usually speak unless he has to… but then he's always been that way. And then it dawns on me.

"I'm sorry Raph."

"For what?" he rubs the back of his head.

I feel the tears brimming in my eyes and I make myself look at him, he deserves that much. "It's been me keeping you at bay this whole time. Hasn't it?"

He looks from the mat into my eyes and I know I'm right. "What tipped you off?"

I feel the dam faltering within me. I bite my lip and swallow the ever growing rock in my throat, then look in his eyes and see nothing but love and understanding looking back at me.

What have I been doing?

"Shit Zoe, I wasn't going to fight you the whole way. I know it's my thing, but not with you. Not when you've got the Berlin wall built up around yourself." He reaches up a large green hand and strokes the side of my face.

What am I doing? What have I been doing? "But the only one I've been shutting out is you." I shake my head and lean into his hand, closing my eyes as I try to make sense of the tangled web that are my emotions. I feel tears slip down my cheeks.

"Wanna tell me why?"

I try, but I can't see through the waterfall pouring from my eyes. I growl and swipe them away, "Fucking hormones. I'm so sick of crying all the time." I take a deep shuddering breath and will myself to look him in the eye and admit my faults. "I don't really know why. I didn't even realize I was doing it until just now." I shake my head and my hair falls in my face. "I'm losing control over everything Raph. It's all starting to unravel and that scares me. I hate that feeling and I don't want you to think less of me for it."

His thick green fingers gently push the hair back from my face, cupping around the back of my head and lifting upward so I look him in the eyes. "Think less of you for what? I don't understand Zoe."

I take a shuddering breath, "I'm losing control. I was so determined, so sure, and you and Don were just so- I felt like you two were going to prove to me that I was making a mistake and I knew this couldn't be a mistake. I didn't want you guys to be right, so badly, that I put up a barrier between us. I didn't want you to be right and the closer we get, the more I realize how little control I have over the outcome, and that makes you right." My chest feels wet inside as if the tears were pouring within me.

"It doesn't matter who's right Zoe. This isn't a right or wrong, or a proving someone right or wrong, thing. This is just me, not wanting anything to happen to you. That's all this is and all it ever has been." He kisses the top of my head before wrapping his arms around me, pulling me against his plastron.

"I'm losing control Raph. It scares me. What if I fail you? We worked so hard for me to be in control and its being taken from me." I weave my arms among the wrap of his and lean into him.

"Just forget the control thing for now Zoe. You've got to let that go for now. This isn't one of those things you fight. This is life throwing us a curveball. All we can do now is ride it out." He leans back to look at me.

The warmth in his pine colored eyes melts my insides. If he could just pull me into them with him, wherever it is that he is, it's where I'm meant to be. I find myself speaking words I've not thought through but know that I mean, "If the worst should happen, I'll still be with you. I can't see how our souls could ever be apart. I just won't have a body anymore."

"Don't talk like that," His eyes flicker with the idea of my death, before steeling with his resolve, "that's not an option Zoe." He sighs and rubs his face.

I sigh and lean my head against him again. "Are you as emotionally drained as I am?"

He laughs a little and I feel my tension release. "Are you kidding? How long have we been together?"

"Oh yeah, you're drained just trying to contain that shit." I laugh and he does too, wrapping his arms tighter around me. He rests his chin on the crown of my head. Seconds later, I stretch my legs out in front of me and lean back a bit to give the wiggling babies more room. He moves his cheek against mine and we watch the strange movements rolling over my abdomen. I move my hand over his and lower it over my belly.

How different this is from what we had already experienced twice before. He wasn't able to feel either Anton or Andrea this early on, but with so many little bodies in there right now, it's easily done.

"I can't believe there's three of them." He kisses my cheek then nuzzles me affectionately.

"Mmmm, I've missed cuddling with you."

"Well don't stop anymore." He graces my neck with tiny kisses, and chuckles as I find myself purring.

"Never again."