Z28

Zoe

I don't know who I am, or who I was, but I don't sleep around. Well if I did before, I won't do it now. I like Ansgar, he's good looking, witty, and… Oh who am I kidding? I'm dripping wet and digging my fingernails into my palms trying to stay focused when he talks, but my insides are just a quivering, trembling mess. It's like I want to just rip off his clothes and throw myself at him. Agh!

Closing my eyes, trying to calm myself, I sit on his couch, knowing that after two weeks of dating he's got to be thinking I'm a tease. Surely, there's some time frame for these things. But when I kiss him, something… something is missing. It's like my body wants him but my hearts not in it.

"Red or white?" he calls from the kitchen.

Red or white? Red like blood? Blood. Why am I thinking about blood? Red, red, red like fire, like passion, like crimson scraps of fabric in my clenched fist? Then I feel something, my heart throbs, aches like its fractured. I can just see the thin fraying material crumpled, bleeding over my hand, the color reaches a place deep within me, and it stirs… my… soul. Every night I've had that dream, every night, I see strangely shaped shadows behind the curtain of my eyelids, and I reach for something I just cannot grasp. It's right there, on the edges of my mind, burning me, singeing my fingers, searing a hole through me.

"Zoe?" Ansgar's voice interrupts my thoughts, and the thrill of my fantasy flees me, leaving merely lust in its wake; and I feel like I'm dying a little inside.

He stands over me, his chiseled features easy on the eye while doing nothing for my heart. "Ansgar, no one will be straight with me. They tell me I'm a mother," I run my hands over my face, as I think of the beautiful, sweet and very sassy little girl. She looks enough like me that I believe it, even feel drawn to her like my body knows it, but I just can't remember her. My toes curl, my hands clenching into fists and I curse, "Who doesn't remember giving birth to a child? Who can't remember that?" I huff, my chest puffing out then deflating, my adrenalin spiking, my voice picking up, "Who, who, can't remember the man she made that child with? Who?" Tears slip down my cheeks, "Who? Who does that? Why can't I remember him? Why can't I remember her? My own child, and someone they tell me loves me, and that I love, and I feel it," I smack my chest, "I feel my heart aching for someone they won't put a name to, someone they won't tell me how to find, and I want to know, I want to know, I want to…"

I'm lost in my head. Red, red, red. I close my eyes and all I can see is the damned color, and briefly on occasion one other around it, a deep emerald green. "Ansgar," I shake my head, push away his hands as he reaches for me, "I'm sorry, but I just, whoever he is, I have to find him, because even if I can't remember..." I press my lips together, swallow and feel the words slip from my lips, strangely; love without a face, without a name, but right, oh, so, right, and every part of me inside and out knows it. "He's where I belong."

Ansgar can't hide his initial shock, his hurt. He sinks onto the couch beside me, stares at the floor. We sit in silence a long while before he sets the wine glasses on the coffee table, and finally speaks. "I can make you happy Zoe, you'll see. We were- No, we are meant to be. Trust me. I'll take care of you and Andrea. We can, we can, even have more children if you want. We can build a life together Zoe, and it will be peaceful, normal, calm… Everything you need. If you just let me love you, you'll feel it, in time, it will come."

I ponder his words, his offers. I taste the words in my mind, peaceful, normal, calm… peaceful… normal… calm. My eyes drift over my arms, every fine scar adorning them. I run my fingers over the tiny lines that mark my throat, pausing over the large bite marks that cover my shoulders. Fire, flames, passion... red. Words that stir feelings in me surface. And I feel it, that desperate ache in my throat. My fingers drift to the huge star like scar in the middle of my chest, my eyes close. "I don't want to make myself feel something Ansgar. I shouldn't have to."

He lets out a small huff. "Even now you choose him over me, and the thing is, he can't give you any of the things I can Zoe. He can't even take you out in the light of day. He can't take you to a restaurant. He can't walk Andrea to school. He can't go to the damn grocery store… He can't get a paying job. There is no normal, no easy, and for damn sure with that temper of his, there is no calm and certainly no peace, not with him."

I rush to the French Doors leading to his balcony, and throw them open, desperate to feel the bite of winter air on my face, to dry my tears, to numb the ache, to stop the scream building inside. "How would I know Ansgar? How would I know who he is, or what he's like? How can I make decisions when I don't know? They say he loves me, and just the thought-"

"I love you!" he yells as he crosses the room, grabs me into his arms, presses his lips hard against mine; like that will make me feel it.

But it doesn't.

And right now, even though I'm sorry for him, not even the lust thrives.

His lips are warm, and small. His tongue sweeps my mouth and it feels… wrong. Gently I push him away.

To my surprise a strange sound erupts from his chest. An inhuman sound. He grips my biceps, pushes me into the balcony wall.

"Technically Zoe, you are mine for the reaping, to take whenever and wherever I want. Designed just for me. But I'm nice to you, I'm good to you. I'll be kind to you. You just have to let me. But if you won't, I can take it from you. Please don't make me do that. Just give me what's rightfully mine."

My stomach turns and I push my hands into his chest. "What are you talking about? Why? What?" Panic tingles throughout, worms its way through my blood surfacing in my skin, "I want to go home. Let me go."

He thrusts his hips against my pelvis and I feel his erection, "You are already home, Zoe. I'm right here."

There's a sound coming from me now, one that sounds like his.

His lips curl into a smile that flashes his canines, his eyes flicker to something inhuman then back to brown and my fingers curl back as I thrust my palms into his chest. To my shock he goes flying through the open doors landing on his butt in the middle of the living room.

When he gets to his feet, moves toward me, I glance over the balcony at the four stories below then down at my casted foot and curse under my breath. I don't know how I did that, but I doubt I'm going to pull off scaling a building.

"Zoe, if we just make a physical connection, we'll be bonded and you will understand. It will all make sense to you. That feeling you desire, it will come, I promise." He's quick as I try to dart around him, slowed by the bulk on my leg. He gets his hand on my arm, pulls me to him, "Zoe, I want you to submit, give me permission, it's only fair, it's only right, then you'll understand."

My teeth clench, my heart is slamming against my chest and he's slipping away, changing into something not as normal as he promised. I have to get away. Think. Think. Fuck. I don't even know who I am, how can I possibly?! I look in his terrifying cat-slit yellow eyes, and am at war with myself; this isn't human, he isn't human… and yet I don't care. That's not significant. It's irrelevant. "Ansgar, I need to go home, to tell them, to demand they let me meet this man."

"HE'S NOT A MAN!" Ansgar's voice is nearly doused out by his cat-like roar. He gives me a hard shake and my head throbs, "AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HUMAN!"

I close my eyes. That's not significant. Irrelevant.

"I need to find out for myself. And if you'd stop acting like this, let me finish, I will make you a promise."

His grip loosens, "Promise?"

My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach, any hope for myself dwindling, dangling by a twig; that I will meet this person and even if I don't remember, if I just feel, something… well, "If I meet him and I don't feel complete, if I don't feel like he's the piece I'm missing, I will return to you and you can have me." I shrug my shoulders. "It won't matter after that. I don't know who I am anyway, and I have to put Andrea's needs before my wants. And if you can provide for her, be a good father to her, then that's a good option for me." I reach up and stroke his dark cheek, "Now tell me what you know about me, because I should be terrified of this-" I motion to his eyes, "these cat eyes, and the sound coming from you. And the sound I made," I wave my hand toward the balcony, "out there. But I'm not."

When he blinks his eyes are human brown again, "You promise? It would help, it would be a true and fair decision if you, let me make love to you. Then you're choice will truly be yours and not the will of what you are."

I stare at him wondering if he's just focused on fucking me. "Tell me who I am and," I shake my head, "then we'll talk about the sex thing." Is that all men can think about? I don't know who the hell I am and all he can think about is prying my legs apart? Fuck!

"You may want that glass of wine, it's a long story…"

I left a horny Ansgar just after two in the morning. I'd decided I couldn't sleep with him, because my heart wasn't in it. It was what my body wanted. It was primal. Not that an emotionless fuck mattered. It just wasn't what my heart wanted. It was the connection, the missing piece. That was all that I would accept, and if I met him and didn't feel it, well then I'd let Ansgar have me.

He wouldn't tell me about this man, not what he was, where he came from, nothing. Not even his name. No one would even tell me his name, just that he loved me. I rub my hands over my face, and sigh, "Who doesn't come see their injured, mindless lover?" Who does that? Why wouldn't he come, if he loves me so much? And why do I want to meet him even though he's seemingly abandoned me?

My one shoe makes an odd shuffling sound over the pavement, my crutches along with it making for a bizarre rhythm. The streetlights hold a blurry golden glow around them, and I look up the sides of the apartment buildings scanning the various lit windows, my gaze drifting up higher to the shadows of the rooftops.

I'm a freak. According to Ansgar, I'm not human, I just look it. My friends had to steal my blood samples from the lab the entire time I was in the hospital so I wouldn't be found out. He wouldn't tell me anything about them, my friends, just about me. And what he told me about myself, well that was fucked up enough. Maybe I was better off without a memory. I could just start my life over.

Ansgar's promises crept into my head. Normal. Peaceful. Calm. And Andrea deserved all of that. Every child should have that. My phone buzzed in my pocket.

Karai: Zoe where are you?

What is she my mother?

Zoe: Walking home, why?

Karai: I just assumed you were staying at Ansgars. This is New York, Zoe. You can't be out walking the streets at two in the morning by yourself. You've got a cast on for fucks sake! Get a cab and come home.

I roll my eyes; shove the phone in my pocket. "Why? I need the fresh air."

The phone rings.

I fish it out of my pocket. A blocked call. I scoff, yeah right. I hit decline, but right as I shove it in my pocket it starts ringing again.

Fine, I'll play. I swipe the screen, "Hello?"

"Ya need ta," there's a grumbling sound before the man's voice speaks again, "ta," he sighs. "Please stay on tha sidewalk, in the streetlights, till ya get home. It ain't safe, what your doin. I don'" his voice hitches and I feel moist heat spring to my eyes. "I don' wan' nothin' else ever happenin' ta you. I-" there's a long silence and it occurs to me that I'm being watched. He can see me.

"Who-"

I search the empty streets, my eyes flittering over apartment windows. Nothing.

The line goes dead.

A few seconds later my phone vibrates.

Unknown Caller: I love you Zoe. I want you to be safe, and happy. It's okay if you want. If you need to go. It's okay.

I hit reply but a message pops up saying the number is disconnected. How the hell can it be disconnected? I just got a damn message from it! My fingernails scrape across the plastic before I reach back and launch it into the wall of a nearby apartment building. I wince when it shatters into tiny pieces. "I'm stronger than I look." I say to myself.

As I hobble home, in the streetlights, so my stalker can see me, I secretly hope he'll come out and talk to me. Maybe he'll know who I am, how I got so fucked up. I ponder that incredible voice; it provokes a feeling within, one that has me wanting to beg him to keep talking and never stop… even though that wouldn't seem right, since he is after all stalking me.

"Not that there's anything right about me anyway."

I'm beginning to think I must've lived life on the edge, maybe that's why one of Ansgar's promises was normal and calm.

My thighs flex, pressing together, my stomach dips as I recall the sincerity, the sound, oh that sound. My blood heats, steam rolling off my skin as the freezing air meets my flesh. That was the voice of someone who cares, someone risking something precious for someone they… love.

A/N: It was really great hearing from Shell, Stitcherbell, Beautyandharmony, and Smapolopi last chapter! I love hearing you reactions to each chapter. I get caught up writing the story and wonder what it's like from the readers POV. You guys are the best for sharing your thoughts w/ me, thank you! :)