Z29
Raphael
Since the night she'd damn near drove me mad, walking home alone, two weeks ago, with a casted leg, at two in the morning… since I told her it was… okay… I'd managed to… fuck. I hadn't changed a damn thing. I was lying to myself, and my family, telling them I could do this. All I'd really done was live with disgusting, skin crawling, sickening feeling that I'd just given her my blessing to fuck Ansgar. As if she even needed it. Fuck.
She's taken to looking out the windows and opening all of the blinds on her own lately. I kind of like that, I get to see her face more. My heart aches. She gazes toward the rooftops every night as if she's searching for something but doesn't know what. I had to duck behind a vent the other night, I thought she might see me and I didn't want to scare her.
A cruel wind blows and I feel the sting of icy air biting against my flesh in all the places exposed. Shit its cold out tonight. My phone vibrates and I look away from where Zoe is staring out her bedroom window; her open window. What the hell is she doing? It's fucking cold as hell out, Andrea will get sick from the draft. My phone buzzes again. I glance down at it.
April: Andrea is sleeping on the couch Raph. Don't worry, just enjoy the view. ;)
Unbidden tears spring to my eyes. I'm thankful for every member of my family, especially April at this moment. I swallow an ocean's worth of useless emotions and do exactly what she says. My heart leaps to my throat when Zoe starts climbing out onto the fire escape in- Is she wearing one of the old shirts she bought me, one that I refused to wear? Where'd she get that? I guess it musta been in with her clothes.
She struggles to get her casted ankle through the window. I try not to laugh when the wind carries her curse words up to me, and for the first time since all this happened I feel a little warmth taking root at the bottom of my heart.
Karai is lurking in Zoe's bedroom door, she pulls out her phone and seconds later mine is buzzing.
Karai: Aren't you getting something special tonight? What is she doing?
I'd reply but I don't want to miss a moment. The sight of Zoe's bare legs causes my tail to stir and I curse the damn thing because it's pointless, yet my body remembers the feel of her as if I'd only held her seconds ago. My tail jerks again and I grit my teeth.
She climbs the two flights of the fire escape, to the roof, awkwardly in a limp one, two, clunk, one, two, clunk rhythm; but with classic Zoe determination she makes it. You're at the top, now what will you do? The wind blows harder where she stands, my shirt flutters against her, skimming her thighs, flashing the outline of her breasts; her loose red hair blows about her and I catch sight of the scar on her scalp and the shaved part, before she grasps the long strands in one hand and tilts her chin in my direction.
My heart is pounding. God I want to hold her. She's just a rooftop away, so damn close. Briefly I close my eyes and swallow the lump in my throat. Seconds later when I look back, she's gone. Where the fuck?
I scan her rooftop but don't see a damn thing, my stomach turns and I make myself check the ground. Thankfully she didn't do that. I shake the thought from my head and decide I'd better look around for her. Karai, X, and April had done a good job swapping out Karai's blood for Zoe's but if they missed anything there'd be a new set of assholes looking for her. She really isn't meant for the human world, anymore than I am. She's always at risk, always will be.
There's a knife in my heart, piercing my desires while I try to make myself do what's best for her. I'd long burned out the anger for what I couldn't undo; I had Andrea and the boys to think of. In the end, if she chooses Ansgar, I think he'll keep her safe. And I'll just… I swallow the lump again, cursing myself. I'd been so sure I was done with these feelings but saying so has done nothing to make them go away.
I get to my feet, turn to leave…
And there she is, staring at me. I step back, almost falling off the damn roof myself, she's caught me so off guard. Fuck, that's the second time she's done that to me since I've met her and I think for a second, amid the frantic beating of my heart, that she may be the only one who can.
Her kunoichi training has been so ingrained upon her it's one thing none of us believe has changed. Karai admitted testing her reflexes on more than one occasion and told me she was as quick as ever.
"It took me a while to find you," she says, standing barefoot, holding her hair in one hand, the shirt whipping around her legs in the bitter wind.
My heartbeat becomes an audible sound in my head, and the damned thing is slamming against my plastron. I fear she's going to hate me, scream at me for stalking her and send me away forever. But some part of me is amazed that she's looking at me a lot like she did the night I met her; seemingly unafraid and carefully studying me from head to two toes. It occurs to me to ask, "Do you remember me?" Then I immediately brace myself for her answer.
She steps closer, and I can see in her eyes that she doesn't, but at the same time she says, "I can feel you. I can't explain it but," she motions to her heart, "here, I hurt for you, I-" she blushes, glances to the dirty concrete beneath her feet, "I want to be near you. I need, you close by." She closes her eyes and shakes her head, "that can't be right, can it?"
My breath is fleeting, my insides feel wet and drained like I've been crying for hours, and I can't take my eyes off her. My fingers throb with the need to pull her to me, "It's more right than you know." I rub the back of my head and my beanie shifts. I tug it back down and ask her, "You're not scared of me?"
Her eyes fly up to meet mine and the clouds shift, allowing the moonlight to catch them. They shine the way I love them best, like polished chrome. I see there's hope in them, and it fills me like she's sharing it with me. Then I realize… she is. It's our bond.
Her skin flushes a dark red. "No. I've actually, uh," she bites her lip and I take a deep breath trying to get my tail under control. "I uh, dream about you. I mean, your, they could be... I know you, I can feel it, and there's, I-" she rubs her face, swiping away a stray tear and I see the fall before it hits her. Her lip trembles and she bites it, her chest is heaving and she reaches out a hand toward me, opening her palm.
Taking her hand, I guide her close, feeling the tears slipping away from us both. She clings to me and I try to be sure I don't hold her as tight as I want, as I usually could, not wanting to scare her or hurt her; all the while I'm savoring everything I've missed about her, her sweet scent, her soft skin, her silky hair... She takes a deep shuddery breath and stills. I loosen my grip, worried she's about to freak out on me.
"Cedar and sweat, the canvas jacket, it doesn't belong. Cedar and sweat, though," she reaches a trembling icy hand under the jacket, runs her fingers over the grooves and scars of my plastron. "Do you care if I?"
She pulls her hand away, then grabs the zipper, looks to me and I nod, "Anything you want Zoe, whatever you need."
The air stings when it hits me and I want to wrap her in the jacket, get her out of the cold, but I won't push her in any way; I've waited too long as it is and it's going too well, better than I'd hoped. Her tiny frozen fingers trace every scar within her reach. "I have these too, all over." Her hands feel so good, so close. I catch another whiff of honeysuckle, my heart dips and my eyes water.
Her gaze falls to my weapons and I watch her, wondering if her control has fled her, but she tips her head to the side and with coherent eyes motions to them. I hand her one, but she wants them both. She holds them, studies them for a minute before she begins toying with them, twirling and spinning them, and I see her body remembering the kata she falls into, just shy of perfect for the damn cast on her foot. She tosses them to me with a little gleam in her eye, a little harder than what she should've and I think she knows it; I snatch them from the air with one hand and feel compelled to tease her a bit.
"Not bad for a-" I don't get to finish for she limps up to me, grabs the tails of my bandana, jerks my head down to her and presses her lips hard against my mouth. It's all I can do not to pull her closer to me, weave my hand through her hair. With an aching, weary heart I release her when she breaks the connection, turning her head away.
"I'm sorry," she whispers, and I move to step back from her but she grabs the jacket, pulls me closer and I'm so damn confused. "I have these, visions, images, of you, and I feel like, like, I'm so close to remembering." She releases me. "And you smell and taste familiar to me." She puts her hands over her lips and steps back, "I'm so sorry, you must think I'm, I- I don't even know your name." Her eyes fill with tears as she presses her lips together. "Do, do, the girls, know you? Can you, come home with me? Would you want to?"
I'm trying to remember what Donnie told me to do, but my mind is reeling, so I just tell her the truth, "Yes, they know me. They just didn't want you to be scared, in case you didn't remember me."
Her eyes widen, "Wait. They said they'd tell me, when the time was right, you're not," she points a violently shaking hand toward her bedroom window, "the baby, Andrea, you're-" She presses a fist against her lips and closes her eyes. "Can you tell me who I am? Who these people are and how it all fits together?"
What the hell am I supposed to do now? I rub my face, "I can answer all of your questions Zoe, and if you want me to I will, but maybe you should give yourself time to remember on your own."
She rubs her face again, wipes the back of her palm over her eyes, "What if I never remember?"
"You will," as I say the words, that I hadn't thought through, only felt, I believe them and I'm surprised I know the answer to her next question too.
"How do you know?" She chokes out, taking deep breaths to stop the flow of tears.
"Because you're an empath and I'm… well, a lot of shit to you actually." I rub the back of my head again, "You wanna go inside and talk for a while? I don't know about you, but I'm cold as fuck."
She laughs, her eyes glossy with tears, but the curve of her mouth, is genuine and it reassures me. "Yeah, but I gotta tell you, I'm a little slow with this fucking cast. I mean, I don't know why they took it upon themselves to fuck with my ankle, it was just ligaments, it'd be fine, and since they did, I keep having to go back." She motioned to her foot and the perfect echo of her from almost six years ago made me fall in love with her all over again for the thousandth time.
"You care if I touch you?" I hold my hands up, "I mean I used to carry you around a lot, up fire escapes, into sewers, crazy places really."
"Sewers?" she cringes and I flash her a crooked grin then watch her step toward me, wrapping her fingers around mine, "Go ahead, something feels right about this too."