Lyrics are from Let Love in by Goo Goo Dolls.

Just a reminder: I love to hear song requests! And if you'd like to hear the song, there's a download link on my LJ post.

I'd also like to apologize for the length of time this chapter took to post. I've been suffering through 90+ heat and my laptop kept overheating. Sorry!

Where We Begin

Watanuki dreamed that Haruka–san sat on the steps to the temple and smoked his cigarette, looking at Watanuki as he approached through eyes that were two shades too dark to make his heart race. Watanuki sat next to Haruka and looped his arms around his knees, waiting, because tonight of all nights he had no idea what to say to Doumeki's – Shizuka's – grandfather.

"It will be hard, Kimihiro–kun," Haruka finally told Watanuki on an exhale, smoke ringing the air around his shoulders. "Saving Shizuka. He's very stubborn."

Watanuki gripped his knees. "But so am I." He shook his head, hair batting against his cheeks. "I can't let him be so lonely. I… I need him to be happy." And laugh. We need each other to laugh. He recalled the soap in Doumeki's short bangs, the see–through patch on his white t–shirt where one of Watanuki's splashes had landed. God, I… "I need him, Haruka–san."

Haruka took a long drag as if he hadn't heard Watanuki's voice crack. "He can't run from you." He turned to look Watanuki full in the face, eyes grave. "You're the only thing he can't hide from." Watanuki nodded, overwhelmed by all the things running through his mind. Yuuko's words echoed again: It is up to you to walk or wander. His mind always ran free in these dream–states, and there was one thing throbbing at the center of it tonight. Shizuka, Shizuka, Shizuka. "But," Haruka continued, "Once you begin, you can't pull away. It would break him, and he wouldn't recover." Those eyes were leveled at him again. "Do you trust yourself enough?"

I will save him. Watanuki nodded, believing in Haruka's guidance and his own pulsing ache.

Haruka smiled and Watanuki recognized it as the same one that kept slipping through the chinks in Doumeki's armor. "Time for you to discover more of your hitsuzen, then," Haruka said.

Watanuki woke up with his heart pounding; he threw off his blankets and strode to the bathroom, realizing he'd only been asleep an hour. He winced as he turned on the light and twisted the knob for cold water over the sink, splashing his too–hot face. Doumeki Shizuka, I need you. God, it was a relief to admit it. Watanuki leaned on the sink, knowing Haruka was right: he was in it for the long run or he wasn't in it at all.

Then he thought about Doumeki's seldom–seen grin, Doumeki's rolling laugh, Doumeki's warm hand in his. The things he had all to himself, the things no one had ever experienced with Doumeki Shizuka before. Watanuki went to turn off the tap and discovered his hands were shaking. He was scared, so scared, but it didn't seem to matter. He needed Doumeki; it was fact. And he wasn't going to let Doumeki suffer in loneliness.

Watanuki paced across his bedroom to the window, figuring it was early enough to see the sunrise. He definitely wasn't going back to sleep, despite the scant hour he'd achieved. It will be hard. Am I prepared for that? He hated his own uncertainty. Do I trust myself enough? The stars began to blink out, the horizon started to glow, and Watanuki's eyes caught movement.

Doumeki was marching across the courtyard, his face roiling somewhere between pissed and determined. Am I dreaming again? His heart began to pound as he ran to unlock the door to the apartment building before Doumeki smashed through it.

It was tomorrow, Watanuki realized, and it was the day to save Shizuka.

You wait, wanting this world to let you in
And you stand there, a frozen light in dark and empty streets

He needed to be rational. Breaking down the door would get him arrested. Screw rationality, his mind shouted, get to Watanuki! Doumeki knew if he slowed down, his courage would slip and he'd retreat again. Although he wasn't sure what he was going to do once he got to Watanuki. If Watanuki was even awake. He's awake, dumbass, the voice just wouldn't shut up, He's waiting for you.

For some reason, Doumeki didn't doubt that at all. Watanuki was standing at his window, and something was bothering him enough that Doumeki could see through that eye – and if something was bothering him, well, it was reason enough to check up on Watanuki. Besides, Watanuki had flirted, hadn't wanted Doumeki to leave; Doumeki knew that he had been the coward. He was done with that. He wanted to see Watanuki every day; he wanted to be next to him, to eat his meals with him; he wanted Watanuki to glow up at him again. Kimihiro, he thought so fiercely he knew he was completely out of control.

Doumeki didn't give a damn; he had a door to break.

But the door opened as soon as he reached it and Watanuki stood there with no glasses and an unbuttoned shirt. He lifted a hand at Doumeki as he halted right in front of the door. "Shizuka?" Watanuki said, his voice low. "Did you forget something?"

Something deep inside Doumeki snapped and he pushed the door aside, closing the space between them in two long strides.

And you smile, hiding behind a God–given face
But I know you're so much more
Everything they ignore is all that I need to believe

Doumeki's hands planted on either side of Watanuki, trapping him against the wall next to the door. His golden eyes were dark from the lack of light, thin rings surrounding too–wide pupils; there was a shadow covering his face and Watanuki held his breath, startled by the depth of him. Doumeki was so intense that the air around him was spitting and hissing with fire.

Watanuki straightened bit by bit, bringing his face inches from Doumeki's. If you do this, it's for real. "Did you forget something?" He repeated slowly, trying to regain his breath.

Doumeki's face was carved from stone. "Yes," He responded, equally slowly. "I did." Watanuki could feel his breath puff against his cheeks, and they locked eyes, noses almost touching. Doumeki's eyes crackled and burned against his face and Watanuki lifted his chin to find air – anything to grasp onto. He's so close, so close I could… Did he dare? He'd expire in the heat if it kept up.

Doumeki closed his eyes, leaning down just enough that their foreheads brushed. "Kimihiro, can I…?" Watanuki nodded to feel contact again, making their noses rub just a little, amazed by how such a simple touch could make his vision swim. So close. He nudged Doumeki's nose again, making the other boy open his eyes, and Watanuki's panic subsided as Doumeki leaned in the last half–inch and pressed his mouth to Watanuki's.

A hum of lightning shot to Watanuki's toes and back up again; Doumeki's mouth was so warm against his closed lips – skin to skin – effortless but full of things Watanuki had never known before. He was painfully conscious of his nose pressing against the side of Doumeki's, of the heat radiating between their cheeks; it was simple yet so amazing to want and be wanted back that Watanuki didn't know how he had gone without it.

Doumeki dropped his right hand from the wall and slid it down Watanuki's arm until he caught his fingers, twining them together. Watanuki pressed harder against Doumeki's mouth until he could feel the indent of his teeth and Doumeki pushed back, his body rigid as rock but vibrating with a minute energy that Watanuki could feel all the way to his spine. Doumeki, Watanuki realized, was the only person he'd trusted in a long time, and as he reveled in Doumeki's warmth he thought, how could I ever have doubted you? Doumeki was the one piece of the puzzle that gave the rest of it significance; the phantom picture that was so blindingly clear that Watanuki wondered how he could've missed it before.

And you're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in

Doumeki pulled away gently because, despite every nerve ending in his body cracking to life, there was a trill of dread settling in the base of his skull that was telling him to give Watanuki the chance to clock him across the face. But Watanuki just stared up at him, eyes wide and cheeks flushed, his fingers tight across the back of Doumeki's hand. He looked surprised and pleased, not the sputtering mess Doumeki expected him to be.

So Doumeki bent down again, the adrenaline pounding in his veins, but he was glad of it for once. Watanuki's skin smelled so good and there was nothing compared to the rush – fear wasn't the reason for it this time, thank god – and Watanuki met him halfway, as eager as Doumeki. The edge of Watanuki's lower lip slipped against his and Doumeki caught it, pressing down into Watanuki as the kiss deepened; a real kiss this time. Their mouths worked against each other and their teeth slid together, making something feral inside Doumeki claw at his stomach. The knot that had been waiting there ever since the first time he'd held Watanuki's hands broke apart and surged, infiltrating his blood so thoroughly that Doumeki knew he'd never experience another thought that wasn't interwoven with Watanuki.

But then Watanuki was pulling away, putting distance between them by pushing his free hand against Doumeki's chest. "Wait, wait," He panted against Doumeki's mouth, and the trill of fear exploded from its hiding place and the hallway became very, very cold.

Doumeki pushed off the wall, intent on Watanuki's face. His eyes were wild again, darting past Doumeki's face and back. Heaven help me. He'd just ruined everything. But it might've been worth it.

"I… I don't think," Watanuki stuttered, swallowing hard as Doumeki's heart sank, "This doesn't make sense."

What was there to make sense of? He was pretty sure Watanuki had enjoyed that, too. "What?"

"We can't do this, we're not even friends," Watanuki said.

Doumeki felt anger begin to simmer. "What the hell do you mean by that?"

"We're rivals," Watanuki stated, brandishing his last defense.

"Maybe to you, we are," Doumeki told him as his anger ebbed, replaced by annoyance.

Watanuki blinked up at him as Doumeki bent again, determined to pick up where he left off, but Watanuki said, "Wait, wait!" and slid down the wall and away from him. Doumeki clenched his fist at his side as Watanuki tugged on his hand, pulling him toward the stairs. "Can we talk about this in privacy?" Watanuki said, a pleading edge to his voice, and Doumeki nodded and followed him up to his apartment, watching Watanuki's profile in the light that was spilled from the open doorway. He made his way to the sitting room as Watanuki went to make tea, and as Doumeki sat down he thought, I'm going to lose him and it's my fault. It scared him so badly he had to close his eyes against the pain, but he remembered Watanuki's fingers clenched against his. I will not let this fall apart. Light poured in through the window, cutting streaks across the undisturbed mahjongg tiles, and Doumeki listened to the kettle whistle and remembered resolution, caught in a chaotic world for too long.

Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

Watanuki served Doumeki tea and tried to be rational: kissing Doumeki was fantastic, but it would change things and he wasn't sure if it was for the best. They wouldn't be able to go back. You can't go back anyway, dummy, he thought as he recalled Haruka's advice. It's done and over with, so deal with it.

Alright, so he needed a plan, and he needed to come up with it quick. Watanuki took a deep breath and sat down next to Doumeki, whose face had gone indecipherable. Just try not to panic again.

"Right. Well…" Of course, Doumeki had to be staring at him like the world was about to end and it was all Watanuki's fault. The words stopped halfway out Watanuki's throat. He looks like I'm about to crush everything he's ever worked for. Oh, god, what if he was? Watanuki did a quick review of the past ten minutes and realized that he would've come to the same conclusions Doumeki apparently had. Time for a new approach, dumbass. Maybe you should just kiss him again. "Are you sure this is what you want?" Watanuki glued his eyes to his teacup because he was afraid of the answer; there had been Doumeki's death–grip on the door the night – this morning – before. Doumeki was so still Watanuki couldn't even tell if he was breathing.

"I want you." The ceramic cup scraped against the table as Doumeki tightened his grip. "I want you safe, I want you smiling, I want you in my life." Watanuki's stomach tightened so quickly it almost hurt. Does he really mean that? Watanuki raised his gaze only to be locked to Doumeki's serious eyes. "I wasn't lying when I said that. You do the needing, I'll do the wanting – I just want you," He hesitated, eyes flickering away for just a second, "Just you, Kimihiro." He finished quietly.

Watanuki's heart jumped to his throat, rediscovered gravity, and dove right back to the pit of his stomach. What if he discovers it's not enough? What if he regrets this later? Doumeki seemed so certain but Watanuki knew better; Doumeki never had a relationship like this before, neither of them had – what if they discovered it was a passing infatuation, fueled only by the bizarre edge it seemed to have? Reality would disintegrate that in a heartbeat. Watanuki remembered his parent's marriage well enough; it had not been based off midnight kisses and supernatural rescues. He looked at Doumeki and thought, I can love you, but there's something better for you than shielding me for the rest of my life, no matter what you say. I'll be lonely again, but at least you'll be better off. It'll be worth it, right?

I can love you. "Are you sure, Shizuka?" The name still felt unfamiliar in his mouth; it rolled against his tongue like foreign candy, sweet and unexpected. But Watanuki knew he could get used to it, could savor it over and over again.

"I'm sure," Doumeki said, reaching a hand out. "Do you trust me?"

Watanuki slid his palm into Doumeki's – always so warm – and nodded. "I do." That's one thing I'm sure of.

Doumeki's face softened in his relief, and the smile that followed washed away all of Watanuki's doubts. He squeezed Watanuki's hand and leaned toward him, tentatively kissing him for a third blissful time. This is right, Watanuki affirmed, and kissed Doumeki back.

I wish, wishing for you to find your way
And I'll hold on for all you need
It's all we need to say

Watanuki didn't pull away, thank god. The relief made Doumeki dizzy, but that was probably from the kissing, too. And from hearing his name spoken like that again, so familiar and affectionate. Doumeki slid his free hand up Watanuki's neck as Watanuki kissed him eagerly, turning the longer kiss into a succession of short, quicker ones that landed haphazardly on Doumeki's mouth. Thank god, thank god, thank god, Doumeki thought with each one, letting Watanuki's hair slide through his fingers. Sunlight was blazing into the room, lighting up the nooks and corners and the highlights in Watanuki's hair. Watanuki's eyes squeezed shut as he gripped Doumeki's shirt at the shoulders, and Doumeki watched the light play across Watanuki's face, amazed that this was finally happening. Why do people do this with their eyes closed? They're missing the point.

Watanuki pulled away with a sigh, resting his forehead against Doumeki's. "I could do this forever."

Which made Doumeki smile. "We do have all day."

Watanuki frowned. "Except I have to be at Yuuko's…" He trailed off as he sat back, horrified. "Yuuko!"

Doumeki's exasperation bubbled again. He'd just made Watanuki forget everything else for the moment; why did memory have to come back and spoil it? "You don't have to be there for a few hours at least."

Watanuki shook his head. "No, not that. She'll know." Watanuki looked so stricken by the idea that all of Doumeki's misgivings crashed back in like a tsunami. "And she'll never let me forget about it!"

Doumeki felt his head snap backwards like he'd been struck open–palmed. "Is there something wrong with remembering?" He'd just confessed how he felt without a word of reciprocation from Watanuki; he'd just made an absolute fool of himself. Something more painful than panic clogged Doumeki's throat, making his next question come out choked. "Do you want to forget already?"

Watanuki stopped mid–way through his checklist of humiliation to stare at Doumeki. "No, not like that! I don't want to forget, but Yuuko knows things like this!"

"If you don't want to forget, then what's wrong with her knowing?" Oh god, this hurts.

"She reads yaoi, Doumeki!" Watanuki exclaimed, missing Doumeki's wince. "She'll never let me live it down! And if she knows…" Watanuki stopped again, the horror on his face compounding further. "Himawari. She'll figure it out, she can read us like an open book."

Insult to injury. "You, maybe," Doumeki spat out, disgusted with Watanuki and his crush but mostly himself. Get out, get out, get out. With whatever dignity he had left, Doumeki got to his feet and headed for the door. I can't believe this. He'd lost control of the situation and it ended up where it always had: he was furious, terrified, and he ached so bad he could feel his tea bubbling in the back of his throat.

Watanuki just stared up at him like he was crazy, oblivious. "Where are you going?"

Doumeki paused at the door to look back at Watanuki – his hair mussed, lips bright, eyes shimmering – and thought, alone again already. "You can forget on your own."

I'll take my chances while
You take your time with this game you play

Doumeki was livid. Oh, god.

"Wait!" Watanuki scrambled to his feet and dove toward Doumeki, his hand on the doorknob. "Don't go!"

Doumeki paused, and Watanuki saw why he was really leaving: Doumeki was absolutely miserable. I've hurt him already. Watanuki swallowed the self–loathing that welled up. "That's not what I… I don't want to forget." Doumeki waited for more, hand still on the knob. "It, well, it was wonderful. The first thing that's felt right in a long time." Doumeki still didn't drop his hand. "Shizuka, I'm sorry, please, don't leave."

He let go, and Watanuki breathed a sigh of relief. But Doumeki was staring at him, so he crossed the room to stand in front of him. Of all the things he'd been through, nothing was as frightening as Doumeki giving him that cold look.

"Is this," Doumeki darted a hand between them, "what you want?"

Of course it was. "Yes!"

"Then why don't you trust in it?"

Because nothing's ever that easy. "Do you realize how people will react?" Watanuki swallowed, trying to force it out without his words going haywire again. "Aren't you worried how they'll label us?"

Doumeki met his eyes with a steady gaze. "If that's what it means to be with you, they can call it whatever they want."

Watanuki felt his heartbeat flutter. "Can we just… keep it between us for a while? You know, until we figure the rest out?"

Doumeki's jaw tightened, and his hand wavered toward the door again, but he clenched his fist and dropped it at his side. "You want us to be a secret?"

"No!" Watanuki protested. Oh, god, please don't leave. "Shizuka…" But Doumeki's eyebrows tightened even more, and Watanuki realized he may not be able to fix the mistake. As Yuuko had said before, the ball was rolling, and it wouldn't be stopped until the bottom of the hill.

But I can't control your soul, you need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay?

Doumeki stared at Watanuki and tried to fathom the most giving yet complicated person he'd ever encountered. Watanuki was the wild card of Doumeki's life; the only thing that made him lose control and forget to be rational. Watanuki made him learn panic and desperation, but he'd also led him to discover connection and elation. And Watanuki wanted a little more time to figure this out. To Doumeki, there was nothing else to comprehend, but for all the things Watanuki had brought into his life, he could stand to be discreet for a few days. It wouldn't kill him, but losing Watanuki over a stupid point might.

"People are going to know if they don't already," Doumeki said. "But if you want to be less than obvious about it, fine."

Watanuki smiled faintly. "Thank you."

His whole life was going to be like this, conceding arguments to Watanuki to keep him happily within social boundaries, and while that particular thought didn't thrill Doumeki, the idea of spending all his time with Watanuki did. They'd lost everything that was important to them; they'd both been blinded by self–pity and lost perspectives; they were never going to get any of it back but they might be able to rebuild it anew together. A clean state, Doumeki thought, I don't want to be lonely anymore.

"Besides," Watanuki said, still trying to smile, "I don't want to be killed by a horde of envious freshmen when I'd hardly had the chance to learn the perks of this."

Whatever barrier hung between them broke, and Doumeki took half a dozen steps to get within range. He leaned in close, wanting Watanuki to not protest his touch, but stopped inches away, still afraid. "Kimihiro, is it alright…?"

Watanuki rolled his eyes. "Yes, you idiot," he said, and wrapped his arms around Doumeki's ribcage and kissed him.

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to live without
The only way to see again is let love in

"I just…" Watanuki confessed as he pulled back. "I wouldn't be able to stand losing my best friend. You're all I can count on, Shizuka." He swallowed hard, his earlier realization coming back to smack him in the face. "I need you."

Doumeki leaned in close, noses touching. "I'll be your friend."

Watanuki tightened his arms. "Promise?"

Doumeki looked him in the eyes, and he was Shizuka, his Shizuka, solid and contrary and reliable, his hands biting into Watanuki's upper arms. "I promise, Kimihiro. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." He closed his eyes. "Just promise me we're in this together."

"We are," Watanuki said, the idea startling. How long had it been since he'd been part of an "us"?

"Alright." Doumeki said, leaning his cheek against Watanuki's temple. Watanuki closed his eyes to feel it better. This will work. We can do this.

"Together." Watanuki said.

"Together," Doumeki confirmed, and Watanuki resolved to tackle the rest of the problems they faced later, because he was devoting the next few hours to discovering the aforementioned perks.

He got back to kissing Doumeki.

The moment we decided to let love in

(Because love is powerful, but it is never perfect.)