Glimpses. Flashes. Burn.
I was in this dream world that I couldn't wake up from.
I would dream of Joseph and burning and I begged him to stop but he wouldn't.
Then sometimes I would dream of Carlisle…
"…..she pulled her central line out, put pressure on it!…Bella…you are safe….come on Bella….wake up…"
I would dream of Dr. Whitlock too…
"I need restraints over here! She is going to hurt herself further….Bella…you are safe…wake up….you are dreaming…"
And Emmett…
"Come on little sis…we are all here waiting for you to wake up…please….Dear God, Please! Hasn't she been through enough?...Please Bella…wake up…I'll give up anything…I wish I could switch places with you…"
And two times of Alice…
"Oh Bella! I have missed you so much but you need to wake up so I can tell you that! And so I can hug you over and over! I know I am not suppose to tell you I love you but I do…in a good way though….never ever in a bad way…come on Bella…I have so much shopping to do with you…"
And then…
I had dreamt Alice placed my hand on her tummy and said, "You have to be here when he or she is born. No one knows yet besides Jasper. You are the first one I'm telling….so you need to wake up….because I am not having this baby with out you…."
That last dream had felt real. Too real…but it made me feel happy….until I dreamt of him again…
"It burns! Burns! Please stop! You win, you win! Please just kill me! Please…" I struggled but something was keeping my hands restrained at my sides.
I tried to fight... "It burns! I am sorry….please…I can't take it anymore…just make it end!"
"Bella! Bella….stop fighting…"
"It burns, I am sorry! Just kill me…you win…" I wanted death. He told me I would beg for it at some point…he won.
"Bella, open your eyes. You are in a hospital, you are safe, no one is hurting you…open your eyes sweetheart…"
I opened them a smidge, I didn't want to see his face again…but it wasn't Joseph that stared back at me, it was Edward.
"There you go, it's me Edward. You are safe, no one is hurting you." He smiled at me.
"What? No…burns…stop…no…wait…" I was confused. There was something in the back of my throat and tickling my nose, I tried to bring my hand to my face. I wasn't able to, I looked down at my arms, they were tied to the railings.
"I'm sorry! What did I do? I'm sorry! What's wrong? I'm sorry!" Tears were streaming down my face but I didn't understand. Had I been bad that they had to punish and restrain me? Did they burn me? I pulled at the restraints.
"Bella, you did nothing wrong. The restraints were necessary for your protection."
"What? Why?" I didn't understand, I didn't know what was going on. I pulled harder at the restraints.
The door swung open and Carlisle walked in, he took a moment to take the scene before him in. "Bella, honey. Stop fighting. You are safe…"
I was terrified, "What did I do? I'm sorry! Please!"
"Bella, I will take the restraints off but first you need to calm down. You were trying to hurt yourself and we had to use these so you wouldn't."
I was sobbing but I managed to take a deep breath before I spoke, "I don't remember, I don't understand." I closed my eyes. Maybe I will still dreaming, just maybe. Please, stop. Air in, air out. No. No. No.
"Bella, please look at me." Carlisle requested. I slowly opened my eyes and looked into his. My vision was slightly blurred from my tears.
Carlisle knelt down to my level, "Bella, look. I am taking the restraints off. But please, try to slow your breathing down." I watched him as he undid the restraints.
"Bella, you are safe. Do you remember where you are?" Edward asked me.
I shook my head, "Umm…yea…a hosp…a hospital." I think.
"That's right, can you tell me your name?" Asked Carlisle.
"I am no one, I know…"I started automatically, "No. Wait…Bella."
Both Edward and Carlisle smiled.
"That's right. Your name is Bella Swan. Do you remember my name?"
"Yes, Dr. Cullen. Carlisle Cullen."
"And what about him?" He asked, pointing to Edward.
"Edward."
"That's right sweetie. You're doing well."
Edward brought a tissue to my cheeks and starting to dab my tears away. I looked towards him and felt a tug from my nose.
Panic rose through me again, "What is this? Why? Did I do something wrong?" There was a tube going into my nose and I could feel it in the back of my throat.
"No honey. You didn't do anything wrong. You have been a little out of it for a while and you were trying to hurt yourself…" Carlisle explained.
"I don't…I don't remember…"
"It's okay but in order for you not to hurt yourself we had to use the restraints and the tube in your nose helped us give you food and nutrients."
I looked at Edward, "You forced me?" I wasn't angry, I was just sad that it had gone this far and I didn't remember any of it.
"I'm sorry Bella, we had to. We couldn't let you starve to death. It was the easiest way, please don't be upset."
"I'm not." I lied. "I'm just confused. I don't remember…." Another tear fell down my cheek, Edward wiped it away.
"Thank you."
"How are you feeling physically?" Carlisle asked.
"I don't know. Umm…fine I guess."
"Are you in any pain?"
"No." Yes, I was always in pain.
"Okay sweetie. Is it okay if I go get your brother? He will be happy to know you are awake," asked Carlisle.
I nodded, "Yea."
He left in search of Emmett.
"I want this out." I told Edward, pointing to the tube in my nose.
"Bella, that's not my call. It's Carlisle's, he is your doctor."
"But…but you have medical knowledge do you not?"
"Yes but…"
"Do you know how to take this out?"
"Yes but I am not a doctor and I don't work at this hospital. We will talk to Carlisle when he gets back, okay?"
I sighed an irritating sigh. Edward laughed lightly.
"What's funny?" I asked curiously.
"That noise you just made, you sighing. That was totally the Bella I remember."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Bella, I know it might not seem like it now but things will get better. They will never be like they were before you were abducted but you are still you. It will just be a journey to find yourself again but you will. You are already getting better, even if you may not realize it."
"I hope so."
Carlisle and Emmett came in. Emmett was smiling from ear to ear.
"Bella, do you remember who this is?" Carlisle asks.
"Emmett, my big teddy bear of a brother who loves me, the right way, to the moon and back," I smile at him. I hadn't even realized I remembered him.
"Oh Bella!" Emmett walks quickly to my side, "Can I hug you?"
I nodded and he hugged me. He held on tight but didn't hurt me. He cried. I cried. He laughed. I laughed. I felt safe in his arms.
Once he let go he asked me, "How are you doing, Bells?"
I looked at Carlisle, "I want this out, now." Indicating to the tube in my nose. Everyone laughed. But me.
"In a little bit Bella. I will let you visit for a few moments while I go get Rosalie and then I am going to do a quick exam on you before we make any decisions. Then after words Jasper and I are going to come in and talk to you."
"But why? Did I do something wrong?" I asked anxiously.
"No honey, just try to relax. Everything is fine, I promise you. I'll be right back."
Once he left Emmett started to ask questions, "So Bella, you remember me then?"
"I know who you are and I have some memories of you yes. But there are still a lot of black spots in my memory. I'm sorry if I caused you any pain…"
"Bella, stop. You have nothing to apologize for. You have done nothing wrong…I am just happy that are you are back. I have missed you so much."
"But you cried. And I caused you and Edward to fight…"
"Bella, that wasn't your fault. People argue, people get upset but that doesn't mean it was your fault."
"But if someone gets mad, it is my fault. Burn, love, burn…" I could feel myself being pulled by the fog.
"Bella, stop." Edward placed both his hands on either side of my face and looked me straight in the eyes, "Repeat after me."
"My name is Bella Swan."
I was scared, I could feel myself slipping so I did what he wanted, "My name is Bella Swan."
Beep, beep, beep…it started again.
"I am at a hospital and I am safe."
The fog threatened stronger but I didn't want it to win, "I am at a hospital and I am safe."
"I am a strong and beautiful person."
Beep, beep, blip, beep, beep…..I blushed, "I am a strong and beautiful person."
"I am safe."
"I am safe." The fog was clearing.
Edward just looked at me for a few moments, "Are we alright Bella?"
"Yes, how did you do that?"
"I just got you to focus on your reality."
"Thank you." He let go of my face, I missed his touch. No, yes. Beep, Beep, Beep.
"Will someone turn that damn beeping off?" I covered my mouth, I couldn't believe I said that.
They both started laughing but Edward reached behind me and it stopped.
"I am sorry."
"Bella, no. You did nothing wrong. You can ask people for things, no one will punish you."
I was hesitant, "What is that noise? It's very annoying and it only comes on at the worst times."
"It's your heart monitor. When your heart rate gets a little too fast it starts to beep so the doctors and nurses are aware.
"Oh."
Carlisle came back with Rosalie, "Alright boys, out. I'll come find you after we are done. Okay?"
Both Edward and Emmett nodded.
Emmett gave me a kiss on the cheek, "Take care Bella, I'll be back."
"So Bella, how are you feeling?" asked Rosalie.
"Fine."
"Are you in any pain?" Carlisle asked.
"No." Yes.
"Honestly?"
I hesitated, "I'm fine."
"Bella, we can't help you if you aren't honest with us."
"I said I was fine," I snapped.
"Okay, well we are going to do an exam today like before but a very thorough exam, from head to toe," Carlisle said carefully.
Beep, Beep, Beep…. "Bu…But why?" I knew what he was saying, he was saying that he had to do another between my legs exam.
"You had a lot of burnt areas of skin when you first came to the hospital and we have to keep a very close eye on them so they don't get infected. You have been here for a little more than 3 months now and they are almost completely healed but we have to do one more check and I will be testing for infection and diseases. If everything goes well today there shouldn't be any more internal exams."
"Burn, I just don't under…stand…I don't get why I am still…here…burn, oh baby burn," I stuttered as I wiped away my tears.
Carlisle pulled up a chair next to my bed and sat down, "Sweetheart, you were very sick when you first came to the hospital. Your heart has stopped two times,"
"Really?"
"Yes, once in the woods and then again while you were in surgery. Like I said, you were very sick. We had to give you a lot of medications but we also had wean you off the drugs that you had been given too. On top of that you had some pretty severe burns to your vaginal and rectal areas."
I looked down at my hands ashamed, burn. Oh baby, burn, you know it. Trash, ruined.
Carlisle continued, "Considering everything that you have been through, you are doing extremely well. You are a very strong person Bella."
"No, no I am not. I'm ruined, trash."
"No Bella you are not, you are beautiful and strong and an amazing women."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course, you can ask me anything. Don't ever be afraid of that."
"And you will be honest with me?"
"Yes."
"Will I ever be able to have children?" I don't know why but I needed to know.
He sighed, "We don't know yet. There doesn't seem to be any damage to your ovaries or uterus that we can see but there are so many other factors that can come into play. You were given a lot of medicines, that some aren't even barely in the experimental stages yet so we don't know what the side effects are. Also, you have been severely malnourished. Even if you would be able to get pregnant we won't know if you would be able to carry to term. There is damage to your cervix but we won't know more until down the road. You will not be able to have sexual intercourse for a very long time due to the injuries…"
"No, I don't want to ever do that again. I don't think I will ever want to anyways…I had just wondered. Thank you for being honest." I whispered.
"You are welcome. But even so it's not a definite no. We will know more as time goes on, okay?"
I nodded. I knew I could never be in a normal relationship. I knew no one could ever love me that way again, even if it was the right way.
"Is it okay to start the exam?" he asked carefully.
"I guess," I knew I didn't have a choice. They may have not burned me yet but I knew that they could force me to do things.
"Alright, I will explain everything. And when we get to a specific part of the body I can explain what injuries you had there to if you want."
"I guess," I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.
He started with my head, looking into my mouth, ears, nose and eyes. He told me I had had a small laceration to my left cheek, only needed 3 stitches which had already been removed and he didn't think there would be much of a scar. He listened to my hearts and lungs with an instrument he called a stethoscope. He said I had had an infection in my lungs and an irregular heartbeat that was most likely due to the drugs I was on. But my heart was back to normal and the infection in my lungs was gone. I had 3 broken ribs which were almost healed but they would continue to be sore. He moved his hands around my belly pressing gently. He told me I no longer had a spleen, whatever that was. Said that I didn't necessary need it but I would have to be careful to try not to get sick. I had to have surgery to fix my liver but that was okay now. He checked my legs, they were still ugly colors but not like they use to be.
"You had a lot of bruising and burns all over your body but nothing life threatening. They are still healing but you will have some scars."
Scarred and ruined.
"You okay to continue?"
I nodded, unsure. Burn. I know he hasn't hurt me so far but I feel like its going to come. Burn, oh baby burn for me.
Rosalie helped me get situated on the bed when I felt something between my legs, then I realized the feeling of something inside me, panicked, "What is that? What is it? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! What happened, what did I do? Burn, no. Please, no burn!" Tears pricked my eyes.
"Bella, calm down. It's a catheter that goes into your bladder…" Rosalie tried to explain.
"But…but why?"
"Remember how we told you that you were out of it for awhile?" Carlisle asked.
Air in, air out. Beep, beep, beep. I nodded frantically.
"This was a way for you to go to the bathroom without urinating all over yourself."
I pulled up my gown, there was a tube taped to my leg. The wires or central line as they had called it was gone. But there was a huge tube that disappeared in between my legs.
"Get it out! Get it out! Please, get it out! Burns! How it will burn!" I begged. I didn't like it. No. No. No. Beep, beep, beep…Air in, air out, air in, air out.
Rosalie put her hand on my shoulder, "Honey, please calm down. Carlisle will take it out but we have to get you situated okay?"
I nodded. I let her help me move lower in the bed and she put my feet in the stirrups again.
Carlisle again situated himself slightly between my knees, "Alright, you are going to feel some pressure but I am going to remove the catheter now."
I shuddered at the sensation and I made a horrific sounding noise.
"Bella, it's out. Now you are going to feel me touching you."
For some reason, I couldn't handle this. Sobs were wracking my body and I couldn't seem to control my breathing.
"Bella, I need you to try to take nice deep breaths."
"I…can't…please…burn…I'm….sorry….please…" Small black spots were starting to cloud my vision. This wasn't like before. This was different.
I saw Carlisle stand up, "Rosalie can you call out to the front desk and see if Jasper can come in here with 1 mg of Ativan?"
She nodded and reached behind me and somethin made a long beep noise, "Nurses station, how can I help you?" said a unrecognizable voice.
Rosalie answered, "Hi, this is Rosalie. I am in room 304 with Dr. Cullen. He has requested Dr. Whitlock come in here with 1 mg of Ativan IV push please?"
"I'll send him in right away," said the voice.
"Thank you."
"Bella, we are going to give you something to help with your breathing. We need to get this exam finished, you are safe remember that. I will not hurt you," Carlisle reminded me.
Jasper came in then, "Hey Bella, not feeling so well?"
"Nnn…no…I'm sorry….please…don't…..bbburn….i'm sorry…"
"Hey it's okay, I am just going to give you this medication which should help you catch your breath and relax a little."
I nodded, I was scared. I was more scared because this wasn't the fog pulling me under. I was very well aware what was going on. And that scared the shit out of me.
Jasper started to push a liquid through one of my IV's.
"Thank you Jasper. We need to get the internal exam done and I don't believe she would have done well with the speculum."
"Just give this a few minutes."
They continued to talk and I was finally able to catch my breath. I felt relaxed, a little sleepy but I felt a lot better.
"Feeling better Bella?" Jasper asked.
I nodded sluggishly, "I'm sorry."
"You did nothing wrong. I am going to step out so Carlisle and Rosalie can finish. Just remember that you are safe and no one is going to hurt you okay?"
"Yea."
Carlisle and Rosalie talked me through the rest of the exam. I didn't like it when Carlisle had put the speculum in but it was only in for a few moments. The medicine that had given me wasn't strong so I could still tell what was going on. It did make me sleepy though.
"Alright Bella, all done. You did amazing," he said.
I nodded, my eyes closing. This wasn't due to the fog, I was in a happy place. I was tired but in a happy place.
"Rosalie can you get her situated back into bed and we will just let her rest for awhile?" I heard Carisle ask. "I am just going to run these swabs up to the lab."
"I'll take care of it."
Rosalie helped me get comfortable and covered me up, "Sleep well Bella. We will be here when you wake up. Alice is going to come and have dinner with you, she missed you terribly. But rest for now."
My eyes were closed but I smiled. And dreamt of Alice. I couldn't wait to see her.
A/N: Please review, I like to know how I am doing! I hope you all have enjoyed this adventure so far! :)
I just wanted to make a note that Bella has no sense of time. So some of these events might seem to go too quickly but as it says in the story she has now been in the hospital for 3 months but she only remembers a handful of events. She knows her days and nights as lights and darks. And she doesn't even realize the things she remembers but we will get to more of that in the next chapter!