It had been two weeks since I had fallen in the bathroom. It also had been two weeks since I have left my bedroom. Jasper has spoken words of post-traumatic stress disorder and severe depression. But no, I am just angry. And confused and lost,burn. I was told after James had left the house with Aro, I had relapsed into a catatonic state once more. I shivered at the thought of James. I would have bursts of rage but then sit completely dormant for many hours after. I vaguely remember falling in the tub. But the memories I had were bleak and scary, I remember thinking I was back at his house again being bathed by Barbara, thinking that being saved and taken in by the Cullen's all had been a dream.
Even though I had not left my room or have hardly spoken since I came home from the hospital, I still had allowed Carlisle to work with me on physical therapy
and listened to him when it came to my medications and eating habits. He told me on more than once occasion that if I fall ill or become weaker, they will have
no other choice to send me back to the hospital. I also want to be strong enough to take care of myself, healthy enough to not depend on anyone but myself.
Now as I lay half awake in my bed, I can hear a strange sound. I slowly sit up in bed and rub at my eyes. The first thing I notice is that there is a lock chained around the handles of the door that leads to the balcony. I start to panic, always afraid of being held captive once more. But before I can worry about this much further, that noise becomes louder. It's coming from my closet. It sounds like someone is hurt so I carefully get out of bed and start walking towards the noise, using my walker of course.
As I get closer, I can see two legs. Male legs, they are trembling. "Hello?" I ask.
No, answer only a noise that would normally come from a dying animal. I walk into the closet and see Edward. He is sitting up against a dresser, his hair is
greasy and wild.
"Edward?" His eyes whip to mine but they are unable to focus on me or
on anything. His eyes are wild and crazed. He has dark circles pooling around
his lashes, the rest of his face pale.
"You are not real, you are a dream! I am sorry I couldn't save you!" He says but he is looking beyond me. To someone or something that is not there. He pulls at his hair, "I'm sorry! I can't, it's not fair. You are not real, you are not real…"
"Edward, what's wrong?"
Again he doesn't answer but starts to rock back and forth, slamming his head against the dresser. I'm starting to become frightened. Not frightened of him but for him. There is something certainly wrong and I am worried. I should go get someone. He needs help.
"Are you hurt?"
"Stop! You are not real! I killed you! I'm sorry." He yells into the air.
I am torn, I do not want to leave him, afraid of hurting himself but I'm afraid if I don't get help he will end up hurting himself and possibly me. I finally make the decision to go get help before something worse happens. I slowly turn around and make my way to the hallway. I have no idea where anyone is, I am not even sure anyone is home. Once out in the hallway, I notice the door to Carlisle's study is open. It's never opened unless he is inside. They must have heard my walker because before I am even halfway across the hall, both Jasper and Carlisle emerge from the room.
"Bella, what's wrong?" Carlisle asks, concerned, "Are you hurt?"
"I'm fine," I reassure them both.
"It's Edward."
"Edward?" They both ask, confused.
"There's something wrong, he's shaking and mumbling and isn't acting right."
Carlisle doesn't wait for any further information before he bolts into my bedroom.
"Are you okay to walk back?" Jasper asks me.
I nod at him and we both head back towards my room, he patiently stays by my side.
Once back into my room, I can hear Edward again. "She's not real! But she's there! I can see her! I know she's not real! Dad, why?" I hear him yell.
"Edward, she is real. She is safe, you saved her."
Jasper goes into the closet and I am not far behind. "What's going on?" Jasper asks.
"I think he is hallucinating but I'm not sure why."
"Edward, look at me." Jasper demands. Edward tries but he is having a hard time focusing.
"When was the last time you slept Edward?"
"Can't. No, sleep. Can't." I have never seen Edward like this. I feel bad for him, I'm the crazy and screwed up one. Not him.
"Do you know the last time he has slept?" Jasper asks Carlisle.
"No, he has been in Bella's room the last few nights. But I'm not sure if he is actually sleeping or not," Carlisle answers him. I see him check Edward's pulse, he doesn't look pleased with the results.
"His heart rate is too high. Can you go get me my bag?" He asks Jasper.
Edward has his knees to his chin and is still shaking and rocking back and forth. But is no longer hitting his head on the dresser.
"Is this how you found him?" Carlisle asks me.
I nod, "What's wrong with him?"
At the sound of my voice, Edwards head snaps to me but his eyes are still unfocused. "Not real, dead. Not real, dead…" he repeats quietly.
"I think he is sleep deprived along with the panic attacks he has been having, I think his body is literally too tired to function properly."
"Panic attacks? Edward?"
Carlisle doesn't get a chance to explain further before Jasper is back. He hands Carlisle his bag.
"Edward. I need to listen to your heart okay?" Carlisle tells him. He doesn't answer. He just keeps rambling. "Shh son. Just for a moment so I can hear your heart." Edward stops talking for a moment. But as soon as Carlisle is finished he starts rambling and breathing heavily again.
"What's his heart rate?" Jasper asks.
"174." by the look on Jasper's face, I know that is not good.
"Do you think he has taken anything?" Carlisle questions.
"I'll look around his room but see if he can tell you."
Jasper leaves and Carlisle goes ahead and tries to get a blood pressure on Edward. I just stare frozen to what is happening. Edward has stopped rambling but is still breathing heavily and shaking.
"Edward? Have you taken anything? Any drugs or over the counter medicines?" He doesn't answer. Edward and drugs? No. He wouldn't. Would he?
Jasper returns, "There were a bunch of empty energy drinks and empty packets of caffeine pills. And this." He toss's an orange pill bottle to Carlisle.
He looks at it carefully. "Alice's Ritalin?"
"Yea. I don't know how many he may have actually taken because she doesn't always take it. The script was filled a week ago and there are 12 gone."
I remember Alice having to take it so she could concentrate. She was easily distracted and unusually hyper. This medicine helped her stay focused and do better in school.
"Edward, did you take any Ritalin?" Carlisle asks him.
"Dead, alive. Not safe….have to stay awake….just a ghost…" was his response.
We all just looked at him, dumfounded to what he is saying.
"I think if we get him to sleep, his heart rate will come down. His blood pressure is good but we will have to keep an eye on it." Carlisle says.
"Well I think we will have to sedate him to get him to sleep."
Carlisle sighs, "I know." He reaches into his bag and brings out two vials and two syringes.
"Haldol and Ativan?" Jasper asks. Carlisle nods and draws up the medication.
"Edward, we are going to give you some medicine to make you feel better."
"No, no, no….dead…I killed her….save her…I can't…" He doesn't hear as he continues to ramble. He doesn't even flinch as Carlisle injects him with the medications.
"Bella, come on. Lets get you sitting." Jasper suddenly says.
"I'm fine, I need to make sure he's okay."
"He will be, I will let you know if anything changes. Come on,"
I realize I am starting to feel slightly weak from standing so long and I allow Jasper to help me to the window seat in my room. It's dark outside but the moon is bright and the Cullen's have a beautiful view.
"You okay?" he asks me. I nod. I am not sure what I am feeling.
"Okay, I am going to help get Edward into bed and then I will be back in to check on you." I nod again, there isn't anything left to say.
He disappears into the closet and after a few minutes, him and Carlisle are supporting Edward by his arms as they help him to his room.
I notice the lock on the balcony doors once more. I don't know why they are there. It makes me nervous. Burn, oh baby burn. I try not to think about it too much but it's mocking me, burning me. My heart starts to beat faster, my breathing becomes quick and then Jasper comes back but I barley notice.
"Bella, what's wrong?" I see him follow my stare. "Bella, you are okay and safe. No one is holding you captive, the lock is on there for your safety."
"But why?" I ask, distastefully.
"Bella, sometimes you sleep walk."
"What?"
"Sometimes you have nightmares and sleep walk."
"What does that have to do with the lock?"
"One night you were sleep walking and walked out onto the balcony. You started to climb over the railing and almost fell over."
"Edward was sleeping in here that night," I assumed. I knew someone slept in here every night with me but they didn't come in until I was asleep.
"Yes."
"And he blames himself?"
"I think so."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
Everything was my fault. "Jasper, do you think I will ever be normal again?"
He took a seat at the opposite end of the window seat. "Bella, what do you think is normal?"
"Anything but me."
"Scientifically I guess there is a normal but in my personal opinion there is no such thing. Each person is unique, each person is different."
"Well I am sure if you look up the word abnormal in the dictionary there is a picture of me." I shivered, remembering what I looked like, ruined, scarred.
"Bella…"
"No, just leave. Please, I would like to be left alone."
"Bella…"
"I said I was done talking and I am done listening, leave!" I screamed at him.
He nodded at me and quietly left.
I was tired. Tired of trying, tired of talking, tired of trying to be normal, tired of living. I was hurting everyone around me, I was causing others to hurt themselves. Edward would not be like he is right now if it wasn't for me. As tears streaked my cheeks, I found my way to the closet, a death grip on my walker. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, what my plan was. I wasn't sure if I was even going to do anything but I needed to have some control. I wanted the option to make the decision if I wanted to be in this world any longer. I found myself rummaging through Carlisle's medical bag. There were a bunch of pills, I grabbed a bottle and took them back to my bed. I shoved them into my pillowcase and lay down. I found myself drifting into slumber; only to be woke up by the image of Edward, shaking and sick in the closet. What had my life become? What had I done to the people that lived in this house? I think this went on for hours until I finally fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up next, there were beams of sunshine coming through the windows. It didn't make me feel better.
I looked around the room; Jasper was asleep on the couch. Someone always watching, babysitting, worrying when my mind would falter next. I fell back into the pillow, exhausted from the previous night. I could feel the tiny lump from the bottle that was hidden inside. I looked the at the lock on the balcony doors again. Still mocking me, still burning. It was then I had made my decision; I lifted my blankets away from my scarred, ruined body but was stopped by a knock at the door. It woke up Jasper. They didn't wait for a response to open the door. Everyone knew I wouldn't respond. Silence was my friend and my enemy.
It was Carlisle, he looked upset, not angry but worried. My eyes went to the closet door, it was closed. Someone had shut it, someone had been in there.
"Morning Bella, morning Jasper."
"Morning," Jasper mumbled as he rubbed at his tired eyes.
"How are you doing this morning, Bella?" Carlisle asked me. He brought his hand to his chin and looked at my intently, his bright blue eyes boring into mine.
I nodded, too afraid to speak.
For a moment he didn't say anything, just kept his eyes locked to mine. My heart started to flutter.
"Bella, honey. I need you to give them back to me."
I gave him my best confused look, he sighed.
"I know you took them, I hope you haven't taken any."
"What did she take?" Jasper asked, his eyes alert now.
"There is a bottle of pain pills missing from my medical bag."
He knew.
"Is that true?" Jasper asked.
I didn't say anything, I tried to keep my expression calm. They both continued to stare at me, waiting for my reaction. I looked back and forth at the two of them.
"Can you tell me if you took any?" Carlisle asked me.
I didn't answer.
"Bella, I need to know if you took any of them. They can be very dangerous and can cause a lot of problems if not taken correctly, even death can occur."
"Isn't that the point?" I whispered.
"Bella, why did you take them?" Jasper asked.
I didn't answer again.
I looked at them with pleading eyes, please let me be. Please let me do this, please, I wanted to tell them.
I knew I wasn't going to win this, another decision taken from me. They had chosen that I would live, not me. I didn't want any of this.
I carefully reached into my pillowcase pulling out the bottle. I held them in my hand for a moment, I held the way out in my hands and they were going to deny me of it. It didn't matter what I wanted.
Still holding the pills, I slowly removed the blankets covering me and swung my legs over the edge. Neither of the men moved, they hesitantly stood by waiting for my next move. They were far enough away from the bed that this was my only chance.
I made the movement to seem like I was throwing the bottle to Carlisle but never let them go, "Here," I said quickly. It caught them both off guard for a moment, just long enough that I used all my strength and darted to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me, locking it. Locking them out, locking my decision in the bathroom with me. I took a brief moment to catch my breath then made my way over the to the sink. I knew I only had moments. I was sure they had a key to door. I slowly looked at the mirror, seeing the stranger stare back at me only confirmed my decision.
I opened the bottle and poured all of them out into my hand. I took a glass from the sink and filled it with water.
"I'm sorry Dad," I said as I heard frantic knocking on the door. I quickly threw all the pills in my mouth, taking a swig of water, swallowing with one final gulp.
"I'm sorry Bella, I'm sorry I couldn't save you." I told the stranger in the mirror. I slowly made my way to the floor, tears of relief and happiness flowed freely.
Frantic knocks and screaming were coming from the other side of the door. "Bella, open this door right this second or I will break it down!" Screamed Emmett.
"I'm sorry Emmett! I'm sorry I couldn't save Bella! I'm sorry for hurting you!" I screamed at him. "I want to be with Dad!"
The knocking and screaming stopped. Then I heard a click and watched as the lock turned on the knob. Emmett stormed in, closely followed by Carlisle and Jasper.
Emmett saw the empty pill bottle, "What have you done?!"
I scooted back against the shower door, "Please just leave me alone! You all made the decision for me to live, I don't want to! It's my decision, my choice! Please leave!"
Carlisle picked up the pill bottle and read it carefully, "Emmett you need to leave."
"No! Why? I am not leaving!"
"You need to leave, please send up Rosalie."
"No! I am not leaving her!"
"Please, Emmett. Every minute counts and we are going to have to do some things to Bella that you don't need to see."
You could see the conflict in Emmett's face. Please leave, all of you. Just please, let me do this.
"Bella, I am sorry for failing you. I am soo sorry…" He turned to leave. Pain, I was still causing pain. No matter what I did. I was the failure, not him.
Carlisle followed behind him, I didn't know why.
Jasper crouched down in front of me, I tried to move away but I was already up against the shower door, there was nowhere left for me to go.
"Please just leave and let me be…"
"Bella, as a doctor and a human being I cannot do that."
"Why?"
"Because you are ill. If you were healthy you wouldn't be making this decision."
"How do you know?! This is me, this is who I am! I just want to be with my Dad….is that too much to ask?"
"Bella, you were denied that option. You were denied of a lot of things…"
"It's funny how life is, ya know? I was denied so much but so much was forced upon me. You have no idea what I have been through! If you were me, you would want the same thing!"
"I am not saying I wouldn't and you are right, I don't know what you have been through completely because you won't speak of it."
"You want to know? You want to know that I was forced to have sex numerous times! You want to know that I was burned almost on a daily basis! Hot irons forced inside me only because he loved the smell of burning flesh! He told me that he was burning away my sins! You want to know that numerous men just laughed at me when Joseph would hurt me! You want to know that I was drugged out of my mind every day and secretly I was grateful for it because it made everything hurt just a little bit less. Is that what you want to know?" I was sobbing by the end of my rant.
He flinched but calmly spoke, "Yes, Bella. That is exactly what I want to know because holding everything inside is not healthy, what you went through is horrific but we can't help you if you don't talk to us."
I don't know how much time had passed but I was starting to feel the effects of the medicine. I remembered this feeling and it was nice.
Carlisle came in just then, carrying his medical bag along with other supplies, Rosalie behind him. My breathing starts to quicken and my heart starts to pound in my chest.
"How is she doing?" Carlisle asks Jasper.
"I think she is starting to feel the effects of the medicine, were they quick dissolve tablets?"
"Yes that's why Bella, we have to do things right now and you may not like it."
"No! Leave me be! Please, I am begging you!"
"Bella, I already told you, we cant do that."
I was started to get really dizzy, the medicine taking on full effect. I closed my eyes.
"Bella, stay with us." Carlisle said to me, I could feel his fingers on my wrist. I tried to open my eyes. Numb, peace.
"Let's lay her down." I heard him say, hands on me, I was numb, it was okay.
I could feel someone getting a blood pressure I think, fingers on my wrist, something touch my chest.
"Bella, we need to stick a tube down your nose so we can help the medicine bind up. Rosalie, can you start an IV?"
No. Please, no. Feel a tickle at my nose, I'm choking, I'm trying to fight, I cant breathe.
"St…op…"I gurgle.
"Jasper, hold her hands down."
No! No! I scream at them in my head, I try to kick my feet, I pull at my hands. A dark thick blanket starts to creep into my mind.
"Her breathing has slowed! Rosalie is that IV in?"
"Yes!"
"Give her the Narcan!"
"She needs oxygen….Bella? Bella? Can you open your eyes?"
There is a pressure in my chest. I don't mind, it's welcoming. No more burning, no more trying, no more pain, no more anything. And it makes me happy, the end.
But it wasn't the end. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. No!
My eyes snap open, expecting to see a hospital room but that is not where I am. I am in my room but not in my bed. I take a moment and try to focus on my surroundings but as soon as I move, my head starts to pound with pain. I close my eyes for a brief moment but then slowly open them. This time I move my head very slowly. I am in a hospital bed. I have one of those IV thingy's in my hand again and a tube in my nose. The heart monitor beeps quietly in the background and Carlisle is walking towards me.
"Bella, how are you feeling?"
"I don't know, burn, oh baby." I whisper. The last memories I have before I woke up come flooding through my mind. Oh. Wait? No. Oh.
"Why didn't you let me die?" I ask him angrily.
"Bella, besides a million ethical reasons and the law, I care for you deeply. No one wants you to die. And if you don't allow us to help you, we will have no choice but to send you to an institution." He has an authoritative edge to his voice. I messed up, I messed up badly. I wasn't going to admit that I didn't want to die anymore because that would be a lie. But I didn't want to be institutionalized. No, burn baby burn. No. I can't.
I was speechless.
"I am not telling you this to make it feel like a threat, I know it is common to have suicidal thoughts after a traumatic event but…"
"Traumatic event?! Is that what you call it? Because I like to call it my life! This isn't something that happened once, this happen for 10 years! What that man did was not an event, it was a traumatic eternity…one that will never end…"
"Bella, it has ended. Now you have to allow yourself to heal. Your body is doing great but your mind is fragile."
"Yea, as in I can't control when I will lose it."
"But when you took those pills, you weren't out of your mind. You were extremely lucid, you knew exactly what you were doing. If you were having an episode, this may not be so serious."
Emmett walked in through the door, his eyes wet and puffy but he tried to give me a big smile, "How are you feeling?"
Disappointed, a failure, horrible, scared, "Fine."
"So Carlisle has told you what will happen if you don't allow us to help you."
"You can't force me, I am an adult!"
"Then start acting like one Bella. All you do is sit and mope. I understand set backs and the issues you are going through but you want to be able to make decisions and take care of yourself? Then do it!" Emmett said angrily.
Power of attorney, those words popped into my mind. I remember what they mean. "But I don't have that option do I?"
"What do you mean?"
"When Jasper and Edward were arguing before Aro came to the house, I heard one of them say you have power of attorney over me. I don't have a choice in anything I do, do I?"
Emmett looked shocked.
"Is this some secret that I am not suppose to know about?"
"Bella, Emmett was granted that so he could make important decisions that you weren't and still aren't capable of making. You were never denied anything you wanted…" Carlisle answered.
"Yes I was! I wanted death but you took that from me!" I screamed at him, pointing my finger.
"Bella, you are sick. Sick people get help. Emmett has only made legal decisions and things like that, he hasn't forced anything upon you and if you were to be institutionalized it would not be because of him, it would be because of me. As a doctor I can have you committed for a 72 hour evaluation and with the evidence I show them, you would most likely stay longer."
I was so angry, why were they doing this?
"I am going to send Rosalie up so she can take your IV out and get you moved into your normal bed. Or you could come downstairs and spend some time down there."
"Umm, yea I'll pass."
"It's your choice," Carlisle reminded me.
As they both turned to leave, I remembered something. "How is Edward?"
"He is fine, he was just exhausted and took too many energy supplements but he is fine."
I nodded, I was happy he was okay. But my anger resurfaced and I crossed my arms over my chest and rolled to my side, towards the wall.
Rosalie did come up and remove all the medical stuff from my body. She tried to make conversation but I didn't respond. She left when I was comfortably in bed and changed into fresh clothes.
For the next 3 days, everyone came to 'visit'. Besides Edward, he never came. I figured he was mad at me, disgusted with me. I didn't have anything to say to anyone else. For 3 days, I watched the door hoping Edward would come and visit. For 3 days I didn't eat, shower, or get out of bed besides for toilet time.
On the fourth day, that all changed. On the fourth day Edward came to see me but it didn't go the way I thought it would. He came stomping into my room. He looked angry.
"Bella."
"Edward?"
"Get up."
"What?"
He walked over to my bed, ripping away my covers, "I said get up, now."
"No!"
"Bella, if you don't get up, I will take you out of the bed myself."
"Edward, leave me alone! Just leave. Please."
I went to lay my head back down on the pillow but before I even realized what was happening, I was being picked up and carried to the bathroom.
He set me down on my feet, the cold tile jolting me completely awake, "Get a shower," he told me.
"What?"
"I said get a shower."
"Why? No! I want to go back to bed!"
"Get a shower, Bella." Me and him had a staring contest for what seemed like an hour, I knew it wasn't going to win.
"Fine, but get out!"
"You know I can't do that. I will sit over there by the window facing away, remember you are safe and no one is going to hurt you."
"Uggh," I knew I wasn't going to win this either so after he was turned away I stormed into the shower with all my clothes on and slammed the door shut. I undressed in the shower and threw my clothes over the side. I sat down on the shower stool and bathed. I took my time, I was angry that he was making me do this.
"You don't come see me for days and then think you can come in here and tell me what to do!" I screamed at him.
"Bella, I couldn't come see you. I needed to calm down because I didn't want to upset you any further…"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry," I said as I turned the water off, it seemed my anger was instantly washed away with the water, swirling away down the drain.
He threw a towel over the side, "I am not angry at you. I was angry at myself, I feel like I failed you."
"Thank you for the towel but why would you feel like that? It's not your fault," I dried myself off and wrapped the towel around my body.
Edward was facing the window, away from me, when I came out of the shower.
"Bella, all I want to do is be there for you, to help you, to keep you safe and I failed."
"None of this is your fault, it's no ones but mine. I am so sorry for hurting everyone, I just wanted to make a choice of my own."
"Is it okay if I turn around?"
"Yea," I blushed.
He slowly turned around and gave me a small smile, "Bella, please tell me what I can do to help you?"
"I don't know, Edward. I don't know what I want, what I need. I don't know where to start. If I feel like things are getting a bit better, I hit a huge pot hole and everything falls to pieces."
He slowly walked over to me and grabbed my hands, "Let's start with dinner."
"What?"
"Today is Carlisle's birthday and…"
"Today is his birthday?" I asked, remembering how I yelled at him this morning to leave me alone.
"Yes and we are having a family dinner. It will only be 8 of us and a friend of Carlisle's and his wife."
Strangers, burn oh baby burn.
"Its okay, Bella. You don't have to if you don't want to. His friend's names are Eleazar and Carmen. They are friends of Carlisle and friends of Jaspers too. I trust him and he has been a friend of the family's for a long time. But it's up to you, you are welcome to join us for dinner or I can have dinner with you up here."
I felt guilty being so mean to Carlisle on his birthday but I wasn't sure about meeting strangers. I also didn't want Edward to miss his father's birthday dinner. Burn oh baby burn, no. Please. Wait. I am okay, I am safe.
"Okay."
"Okay what?"
"Okay, I will go down for dinner."
"That's great, Bella. Remember you are safe, you remember that?"
I took a deep breath and nodded my head.
"Okay, let's get dressed."
Edward gently pulled at my arm, and I followed him into the bedroom, Alice sitting quietly on my bed.
"Is it okay if Alice helps you get ready?"
I nodded. She walked over to me and replaced Edward's hands with her. I still needed help getting around. Lying in bed for 3 days had delayed my physical recovery quite a bit.
"Okay, sweet girl. I will see you downstairs. You are safe and no one is going to hurt you, I promise."
Edward left, closing the door behind him.
"Are you okay, Bella?"
"Yea." I noticed a light blue dress lying out on the bed. It was very pretty, "Is that for me?"
"Yes, isn't it lovely?" She beamed, clothes were here passion.
Once Alice helped me dress, she dried my hair and gave me a very complicated but beautiful braid. She handed my walker to me and we slowly headed down stairs via the elevator. We made our way out onto the back deck, once the door opened all eyes were on me, burn oh baby burn. I closed my eyes as my cheeks burned red.
I felt a cool hand on my cheek, "Shh, Bella. Remember you are safe, no one is going to hurt you," someone whispered in my ear. I slowly take a deep breath and open my eyes to Edward. I smile.
"Come on, let's sit down." He encouraged, a grin plastered on his face. I looked around the large table as Edward ushered me to an empty seat.
"Thank you for joining us Bella," Carlisle said.
"Happy Birthday Carlisle," I tried to apologize with my eyes.
He nodded, I think he understood.
I was introduced to Eleazar and Carmen, Edward gave me a reassuring squeeze. Dinner went by smoothly, I ate a small meal. Esme brought out a massive cake and we sang happy birthday. I felt true happiness, I joined in the conversation. I didn't say much but I felt I belonged, apart of the family. Presents and drinks were brought out, I had water. Everyone was talking and laughing. Edward stayed by my side the entire time, giving me a reassuring squeeze every now and then.
Emmett and Jasper were standing by the railing while Emmett was telling some outrageous story when I heard him say loudly, "I told him he could suck my dick..." he laughed loudly.
Instinctively I threw myself to the ground, on my knees, the hard concrete burning my skin like a hot iron, lowering my head, "Yes sir. Joseph, my master."
My hands start to shake, tears start to form. Not again, I thought I was done. The fog creeps, usually an enemy but a friend right now. Burn, oh baby burn. You know it's the way you like it. I'm so sorry, please be quick.
Someone grabs my hands, "Bella, Bella. It's okay, you are safe, remember?"
"No! Burn oh baby burn! I'm sorry! Loving time will be great, I will be good."
I feel fingers on my chin, raising my head.
"Open your eyes, my dear."
I'm shaking and it's starting to get hard to breath but I obey. It's Edward. All I can hear is silence, it hurts my ears. I look into his eyes.
"Bella, repeat after me. My name is Bella Swan."
Tears spill as I realize my mistake, "My name is Bella Swan."
"I am safe."
"I am safe."
"No one is going to hurt me."
"No one is going to hurt me."
"Are we okay?"
I look around, everyone is silent, staring, so still. Embarrassment flushes my cheeks like a hot flame, "I'm so sorry!"
"It's okay, you did nothing wrong. Are you okay to stand?"
I nod, my knees burn. I take Edwards hands and slowly stand. I look down, my knees, they are bleeding, small red rivers flowing to my feet.
"I am so sorry Bella," Emmett's face is full of guilt.
"It's okay, it's not your fault. I am sorry for ruining your party Carlisle."
"Bella, you didn't ruin anything, I promise," He smiles at me, I try to smile back but I am so embarrassed that I cant keep it there for more than a second.
"Come on Bella, let's get some bandages on your knees. Is it okay if I pick you up?" Edward asks.
"Yes," I whisper.
He carefully picks me up, I close my eyes burying my head into his chest. I don't want to see the pity on everyone's faces. I feel us walking through the house for a moment before he sits me down. I open my eyes, we are in the downstairs half bath.
"Are you okay?" Edward asks me.
"I am so stupid."
"You are not stupid, it's what is called a trigger Bella. Your body instinctively reacted to a trigger."
"But why? I hate it!"
"This is why you need to talk to Jasper. He can help you with this, I promise. He is the best and has a lot of success with trauma victims."
"But what if I fail, what if he fails…what if there isn't enough help out there for me?" I cry.
"Bella, you don't see it but you have already made a lot of progress."
"I tried to kill myself!"
"Yes, but that doesn't mean you haven't made progress. There are going to be set backs and hurdles. I think you wanted to kill yourself because you were angry and scared, not because you truly wanted to die, you wanted to have control over something and that is how you handled it. It wasn't the right way but now all we can do it move forward…"
"I'm sorry! I just don't know what to do!"
"Let us help you."
"I don't know how!"
"Well first off, let me clean out the wounds on your knees and put bandages on them, is that okay?"
I nodded. We were both silent while Edward bandaged my knees. I only hissed at him once when he poured the peroxide over them, it stung. Not burn, sting.
"Are you okay to go back out?" he asked me.
"Eleazar probably thinks I'm crazy and Carlisle is probably embarrassed."
"First off, Carlisle is not embarrassed, he cares for you and nothing you do would ever embarrass him. And Eleazar would never think you were crazy. We wouldn't have invited him if he were ever able to think that. He is a doctor too, he knows a little bit of what happened to you. He would never think you were crazy."
There was a knock at the door. "Come in," Edward answered.
Jasper poked his head inside, "Everything okay?"
"Yea, I'm sorry," I said.
"You have nothing to apologize for, Bella. It was a natural reaction that was caused by a trigger, something that we can work on, right?" he said carefully, his eyes swiftly meeting Edwards before returning to mine. Edward nodded to an unspoken question.
"Yea."
"Good. Now lets get back, we are going to make s'mores!" He placed my walker in the door way and quickly turned around to head back.
"S'mores?" I asked Edward. I hadn't had a s'more for a very long time, my mouth started to water.
"They are sort of a favorite of Carlisle's, it's a tradition for his birthday every year."
"Sounds yummy," I smiled.
"Okay then, let's go."
Edward brought my walker over to me, "Are you okay to walk? I can carry you if you'd like."
"Thank you but I would like to try to walk."
The bandages pulled as I walked but it wasn't a pain I couldn't handle. We made our way out onto the deck where everyone was surrounding a small fire pit, roasting marshmallows.
I sat down on an empty chair and Carlisle gave me a big smile, "Here Bella, you can have the first one!" He handed me a s'more, a roasted marshmallow with chocolate smashed between two graham crackers, also known as heaven in my mouth. I looked up and saw Edward staring at me.
"What are you looking at? Never seen a girl enjoy chocolate before?" I smirked.
"Not one so beautiful," he answered.
I smiled but I felt my cheeks flame red.
"You have a little something on your lip," he carefully swiped his thumb across my bottom lip, there was a spark, a flip flop of my belly, and his thumb left a tingle sensation on my lip. I swore I saw him blush too.
"Thank you," I whispered. Everyone was in conversation; I knew they didn't want to make a big deal about my earlier departure.
As I sat and watched the interactions of these people, I started to have conflicting feelings of happiness and sadness. I was happy because I was now truly safe and with my family. I was sad because I had missed all of this; I was taken from my family, from a happy life, from people that loved me. I felt tears starting to form, when Edward grabbed my hand and squeezed. I surprised myself when I didn't pull back, I embraced his touch. We sat there, far past sunset. Everyone was happy, I was happy. I prayed it could stay like this forever.
Eventually I yawned.
"Are you ready for bed?" Edward asks.
I nod. I am sleepy. He stands and offers his hand, "Good night everyone we are heading to bed."
"Okay, Good night Bella, good night Edward," Carlisle says.
Rosalie brings my walker to me and Edward helps me stand. Everyone says there good nights and we head to my room.
As I sit on my bed and I cant help but have tears fall.
"What's wrong?" Edward is worried.
"Nothing."
Edward kneels in front of me and takes my hands in his, "Then why are you crying?"
"I don't know…" I say honestly.
"There has to be a reason, dear."
I shake my head. After a moment of silence I build up enough courage to ask him a question, "Do you love me Edward?"
"What?"
"Do you love me? Right here, right now. The me that is sitting in front of you, do you love me?"
"Yes I do, very much."
"You can tell me."
He waits a moment but quietly says, "I love you Bella."
"I love you too, Edward," I whisper.
"You do?"
I nod, "I never have stopped, it just got lost in the fog."
"Doesn't that word upset you though?"
"Not coming from you."
"Oh Bella, is it okay if I try something?"
I freeze, I don't know what he means.
"It's okay, I promise. I am not going to hurt you, you are safe. Do you believe me?"
My heart starts to flutter, but it's a good flutter, "Yes I trust you."
He slowly lifts my right hand and presses his soft lips to the back of hand, my belly flip-flops, my cheeks flush, my head spins slightly. I don't pull away, I feel a smile grow.
Too soon Edward lifts his hand, "How was that?"
"Amazing." I breathe.
I hear a knock at the door, its Rosalie. She if here to help me get ready for bed and give me my night time medications.
Edward stands to leave.
"Wait? Will you be back?" I ask him.
"Of course, my love," he kisses my hand again and leaves. Rosalie's eyes grow big but she doesn't say anything. She makes polite conversation as she hands me my medications and helps me into my night clothes but she doesn't ask any questions. She stays with me until I fall asleep. I try my hardest to stay awake, to see if Edward comes back but part of my med regimen is a sleeping pill. I know as much as I want to stay awake all night with Edward, my body cannot afford that. So I eventually fall asleep with dreams of Edward dancing in my head. I love you Edward Cullen.
A/N: So I apologize for the major delay in updating but I just started college again and it is kicking my butt. I haven't been to college in 6 years…so it is taking a little bit to get back into the swing of things. Please review, I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you.