I do not own American Dad, or the lyrics to a classic cartoon.
Opening Act
"Guys I have some bad news. I did not plan an opening act sketch for you guys. I'm deeply sorry. Instead, we'll show you past clips with the parody of the theme song from Duck Tales. Enjoy" I appear on screen.
The scene shifts to various clips of American Dad.
Life is like a hurricane because it's long and hard
Race cars, weapons, aliens, what a dumb herd
Might solve a mystery
Or rewrite this dumb story
American Dad! Woo-oo!
Everyday this show's getting better
American Dad! Woo-oo!
Tales of daring do better and nothing rhymes with better
American Dad!
D-d-d-danger! Watch behind you!
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do, just grab on to some...
American Dad! Woo-oo!
Everyday this show is getting better
American Dad! Woo-oo!
Tales of daring do better and nothing rhymes with better
American Dad!
Not pony tales or Brony tales, no,
American Dad! Woo-oo!
End of Opening Act
Act 1
The scene takes place at a local gym called Langley Falls Workout Gym. Steve and Zoey are sitting at a juice bar. Both of them are wearing workout clothes.
"Gee Zoey, I can't believe you ran for one full hour nonstop" Steve said.
"Thanks babe; that's the benefit of joining the soccer team. We do a ton of running and it's nothing special" Zoey added.
"I wish we can do something more fun with our relationship" Steve wondered.
"What do you have in mind?" Zoey asked. However, they encounter a group of hot cheerleaders with a guy walking inside a gym. There was a girl who was a brunette, a girl with long pink hair, a girl with short red hair, and a girl with long blonde hair. The guy had short black hair.
"Who are they?" Steve wondered.
"Let's go find out" Zoey answered as they approached the cheerleaders and their male friend.
"Hi, I'm Zoey and this is my boyfriend Steve. Who are you guys?" Zoey introduced.
"Oh hello, we would introduce ourselves but we'll take forever" the guy said. He is voiced by Brian Donovan.
"I don't mind" Steve added.
"Okay then, allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Sally" the girl with the brunette haircut said as she posed. The intros are similar to the ones from "Introducing the Naughty Stewardesses". A fancy limo drives by and it reads "maintains a 5.0 GPA". (A/E She is voiced by Colleen Villard).
"My name is Marie" the girl with the long pink hair said. The same limo appears, but this time it reads "has an older brother who she beat in arm wrestling". Her voice actress is Philece Sampler.
"My name is Kelly" the girl with the short red hair said. The limo now reads "thinks Seth MacFarlane can go suck an egg". She is voiced by Lara Jill Miller.
"My name is Yesenia" the last girl with the long blonde hair said. The limo reads "sorry, I can't think of anything right now, all the good quotes and facts are way too similar, plus pen wants to fulfill the 3000 word limit". Her voice actress is Tifanie Christun. "And together we are…"
"THE RISQUÉ ADMIRERS!" all the cheerleaders cheered and posed with the motto.
"I like the sounds of that!" Steve blinks at the audience with his left eye as it lights a gold shine.
"Steve, you have a piece of gold on your eye" Zoey said as Steve leaves in pain while screaming.
"Hey ladies, you forget about me. I'm David, the leader of the Risqué Admirers" the guy said.
"What do you guys do?" Zoey asked.
"That's for me to know and you to find out" Sally said.
"You're wearing a cheerleading uniform. You must be cheerleaders then" Zoey said.
"Fine you win" Marie snapped. "Want to join us?"
"I guess" Zoey answered.
"Trust me; your boyfriend will love you ten times" David added.
Meanwhile, at the Smith household, Jeff is walking around in a circle while holding a piece of paper.
"Jeff, what are you doing?" Hayley asked as she is holding baby Mary in her arms.
"Babe, I have to attend this stupid mandatory talk about public health. It's so boring. I don't want to hear people talk about crap nobody gives a damn" Jeff answered.
"Jeff it sounds like fun. Maybe you can convince them that pot isn't as dangerous as it seems" his wife added.
"Babe, I got to let you know on a secret. I'm afraid of public speaking" he said.
"What are you talking about?" Hayley asked.
"Ever since I was a little boy, it was like a living hell to me" Jeff recalled.
Flashback
We see a six-year-old Jeff doing a book report in front of his first grade class.
"Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her turds and gray" Jeff announced but everyone started laughing out loud.
"Oh no I messed up. No, my mom bought me those pants" he cried as he wets himself and runs away from the class"
Flashback Ends
"(Laughs) I'm sorry. I just thought the story was cute" Hayley said.
"Babe what am I going to do? If I don't go, I'm going to keep getting these stupid reminders until I gave in" Jeff wondered.
"Excuse me, but do I hear someone who's afraid to talk to people in public?" it was…Roger disguised as Dr. Penguin.
"Dr. Penguin, what are you doing here?" Hayley asked.
"Well Jeffrey, it seems that you have stage fright" Roger said.
"That's not true, okay maybe I do" Jeff surrendered.
"Come to my office in an hour and I'll help you out. Right now I'm helping a kid who got a Texas wedgie from his dad" Roger said as he left.
"What's a Texas wedgie?" Jeff wondered.
"Trust me, you don't want to know" Hayley said in a sad tone.
Meanwhile, Zoey is showing off her dance moves in front of Sally, Marie, Kelly, and Yesenia.
"Wow girl, I didn't think you have it in you" Sally complimented.
"Thanks, I do a lot of exercising a lot, so dancing isn't that hard for me. I wanted to be a cheerleader, but you know how busy I am" Zoey added.
"I'm sorry girl, but you have skills" Marie said with a smile.
"How is this going to make my relationship with Steve better?" Zoey wondered.
"Because we need you and your boyfriend's help to help solve a mystery. We're not just hot cheerleaders; we're also detectives" Yesenia said.
"Okay, like what mystery? Did someone cheat on you?" Zoey added.
"It's nothing like that. Although we have something like this and I don't know what it means" Kelly hands Zoey a piece of paper.
Zoey reads it out loud, "If you are reading this, I will find them and destroy them once and for all. They have no business being better than everyone and everything thing else. I will find the stupid stars and destroy them once and for all! Sincerely, SB"
"What stars is this person talking about?" she wondered.
"I don't know. I thought you know" Marie said.
"I'll ask Steve for help" Zoey added.
"Hey guys can I join?" it was…Tammy from Bob's Burgers.
"Sorry, no disgusting bitches allowed" Sally snapped.
"Screw you guys (farts), ouch my ass" Tammy leaves as she holds her butt as she continues to pass gas.
"(Sigh) somebody get the Febreze" Zoey ordered as she and the girls cover their noses.
End of Act 1
Act 2
Steve is working out at the Smith garage. He is doing some heavy weightlifting. Zoey is watching him
"Steve, do you know who SB is?" she asked.
"It's definitely not Snot or Barry or Toshi. I wish it was Vince though" he answered.
"You see Sally wants us to travel with them to figure out this mystery. I'm hoping your parents are okay with it" Zoey begged.
"I will but I'm going to need a plan though" Steve requested. "How did you convince your parents?"
Flashback
"Mom, dad, I need to go somewhere. It will probably be day though" Zoey said.
"Is it a World Cup mystery?" Zoey's dad asked, off-screen.
"Maybe" she answered.
"Be safe honey" Zoey's mom said, off-screen.
Flashback Ends
"Now it's my turn" Steve said.
Later, the Smith family and Jeff are eating dinner.
"Honey, I'm sorry but you can't go. I don't know where the location is or what the mystery is about…unless you take some snacks with you" Francine said.
"All right mom" Steve cheered.
"Son, why would you want to go if you don't know what, where, why, or when the mystery is about?" Stan wondered.
"That phrase isn't grammatically correct, but anyways, Zoey's got new friends who are willing to work with her. I heard something about the stars being killed" Steve answered.
"Are you guys going to Hollywood?" Hayley wondered.
"Honestly sis, I have no clue. I don't even know who SB is" Steve said.
"Well whatever happens, bring us back a souvenir honey" Francine said.
"Gee mom you're the only one excited about it" Hayley said.
"My little boy is all grown up" Francine answered.
"You think you can help me find a body there?" Klaus asked.
"Nice try fish" Steve said.
Later, Jeff is sitting on a therapy chair as Dr. Penguin is taking notes.
"You see doc, I wet my pants, my armpits, and the body when I talk to people in public. It's very scary" Jeff said.
"You see Jeffrey, public speaking is a lot like a box of chocolates because you can't tell what the hell is going on there" Roger said.
"That's a terrible usage to Forrest Gump" Jeff snapped.
"Fine I suck at quotes, but anyways, Jeff you are better than this. You will march down to that talk and take it like a man. This is what you will need to do" Roger said as he…drops Jeff's pants down and put him on a diaper and he pulls his pants back up.
"I'm not a baby Roger!" Jeff shouted.
"There, now you can piss your pants while saying whatever the hell you want" Roger said.
"This is not going to work" Jeff said as he removed the diaper and throws it away. "Can't you just go there for me?" he suggested.
"You know what? I think I can help you with that" Roger said as he…took out a device that connects his throat and Jeff's throat.
(Drilling sounds)
"There, is that better?" Jeff (with Roger's voice) asked.
"It does! Oh man, I'm an alien. Not cool dude, but thanks" Roger (with Jeff's voice) said.
"I'll do the talking while you don't mess with my body" 'Jeff' said.
"You have my word" 'Roger' answered back. "Go have fun in the talk."
Meanwhile, Steve, Zoey, David, and the Risqué Admirers are flying inside a jet plane.
"How awesome is this? We're going on a trip. We need to find this SB guy and confront him once and for all!" Steve said.
"I'm glad you love our plane. This is a very special family plane we take and it's going to be fun" Sally said.
"Are we going to Hollywood?" Steve wondered.
"Only one way to find out" Marie said as the jet plane lands to the ground. The seven friends walk about, trying to figure out who wrote the letter. With not much luck, they resumed back to the plane.
"Okay it looks like celebrity stars aren't being in danger of being attack, but what does he mean when he said stars?" Steve wondered.
"The sky perhaps" David answered.
"David, there's like a million stars in the sky. There's no way that the mystery jerk would kill the sky. I find that hard to believe" Kelly said.
"Guys, I figured it out. His name…is Sean Benedict!" Yesenia announced.
"Let's go to Switzerland and finish this fool once and for all!" Steve shouted as the plane flies off.
Later, 'Roger' is watching TV in the living room. Hayley joins him.
"Hey dork of the sky, give me the remote" she demanded.
"Sure babe" 'Roger' answered.
"Did you just call me babe Roger? I'm married and you should know that already!" Hayley shouted. "Wait a minute, are you Jeff or Roger?"
"Babe it's me Jeff. Roger went to the talk for me. I can sit here and hang out with my beautiful wife" 'Roger' said.
"Or you can get the hell out of here and give me back my husband!" Hayley screamed.
"Yes ma'am" 'Roger' leaves.
Meanwhile, they arrive at Switzerland and they found the office of Sean Benedict.
"(Laughs) why would I do that? I don't have time to do that. When I meant stars, I mean the stars AND stripes" Sean Benedict said.
"Are you taking to attack our country? I'm going to tell my dad and have the CIA arrest your ass!" Steve threatened as he takes out his cell phone.
"Wait just a minute; I'm not going to attack a country. I want to attack…the United States men's soccer team" Sean responded.
"Why would you want to do that?" Zoey asked.
"You see the United States think that soccer is the least popular, yet many kids play that sport so many times. A lot of countries, especially the South American and Europeans, detest the yanks. Therefore, I'm doing them a huge favor and destroy the U.S. men's national team once and for all!" Sean announced.
"You're a monster!" Zoey cried.
"Oh and by the way, the women's national team will be dead too and there's nothing you can stop us! If you don't mind, I have a party to attend" Sean laughed as he left.
"Dad, where are you?" Steve calls on his phone.
End of Act 2
Act 3
"Son, what seems to be the problem?" Stan answered the house phone.
"Dad, this guy named Sean Benedict is threatening to attack the United States men's soccer team because he thinks that the USA should never play soccer" Steve explained.
"What, you're telling me the leader of international football, I mean soccer, is trying to hurt our national team?" Stan freaked out. "Son, stay where you are, the CIA and I will be on out way" Stan said as he hangs up the phone.
"In the meantime, let's go to the party. I have fancy clothes for us to wear" Sally said.
Meanwhile, 'Jeff' attends the health talk.
"…and that is why we should limit the amount of salt we consume in order to lower high blood pressure. Any questions?" someone in front presented his talk.
"Okay is there anything that anyone would like to talk about?" he asked.
"I do" 'Jeff' said. "(Clears throat) I think marijuana should be legalized. In fact, what is most likely going to kill you, weed or cigarettes?" he asked.
"Weed!" everyone answered in unison.
"WRONG! What does weed actually do that will sent you to the hospital or to the graveyard? Nothing, that's why! Why are we spending so much cash on something that will cause lung cancer and sent us to the emergency room? Has anyone ever died from smoking pot? Is there any nicotine in it? That's right you fool, marijuana is okay! We just smell weird, but that's it. If you have a problem with that, go tell the rest of us hippies! Peace!" 'Jeff' leaves.
(Cheering)
"Good job man" 'Roger' cheered.
"I guess now I don't need to be afraid anymore" 'Jeff' said. "Wait a minute, I'm never afraid. All right, let's switch back to normal" 'Jeff' takes out the device and he and 'Roger' switch their voices back.
"Much better" Jeff said.
"Next time, don't ask for my help" Roger said.
"Watch this" Jeff said as he enters the conference room with a standing ovation.
"Thank you all, I'm here until Thursday!" Jeff announced. "Hippies rule!"
(Cheering)
"I made Jeff a show-off! That's my boy!" Roger cried in a cheerful tone.
Meanwhile, Steve, Zoey, David, and the Risqué Admirers attend a fancy party. The guys had black tuxedos and the girls had black short fancy dresses.
"Remember, if you see Sean Benedict, you know what to do" Sally instructed as they pretended to have a good time at the party.
"Gouda cheese, my favorite" Zoey said as she picks out the cheese with a cracker and eats it.
"There he is" Steve said as Sean Benedict was leaving for a moment.
"Let's follow him" he told his girlfriend as they left and followed him. However, a bunch of guards stopped them.
"Where do you think you're going?" one of them asked.
"Ladies!" Steve shouted as the Risqué Admirers attacked the guards with their cheerleading moves.
"Damn they're hot, but not as hot as my girlfriend!" Steve exclaimed as he and Zoey continue to find Sean.
They finally found him in his office, where he takes out a bunch of weapons and grenades.
"Oh hello children, you care to join me in bombing the national teams?" Sean asked.
"LEAVE THEM ALONE BENEDICT! I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!" Bullock shouted, off-screen. There were the helicopters from the CIA as Stan and Bullock arrived as the perfect scene of the crime.
"Never! I must fulfill my wish! Stop me or else!" Sean takes out a missile weapon, but Bullock snatched it away with a claw and breaks it.
"Damn it" Sean cursed, but he was slammed down by Stan.
"I know what's going on. Mr. Benedict, you are officially under arrest for attempted murder to the United States men's and women's national team! Bullock, take him away!" Stan instructed as his boss took the handcuffed president of international football and the rest of the CIA agents arrest his crew members as well.
"I knew you guys would save us! Thanks daddy!" Steve ran and hugged his dad.
"I'm just glad the United States men's and women's national teams are all right. The CIA will make sure nothing bad will ever happen to them ever again. Son, you should have told me this earlier, but you didn't know, so it's okay" Stan said.
"Thanks dad, can we go home now, along with taking some of our friends with us?" Steve wondered.
"Absolutely, but who are they?" Stan asked.
"Hello Mr. Smith, my name is David and these are my sisters: Sally, Marie, Kelly, and Yesenia" David announced. "We would do our intro, but there's not enough time."
"Hi kids, now everyone get inside the helicopters. I'm taking you guys home" Stan ordered as they went inside.
"Wait a minute, they're your sisters?! I thought they were your girlfriends!" Steve shouted.
"Yeah, we just like tricking people just for fun" David said as he walked with his sisters.
"Steve, I have to say that this was so much fun. I'm so glad we were able to solve this mystery. I realize that our relationship can only get more exciting. Why don't we get married right now?" Zoey suggested.
"What?!" Steve screamed.
"Just kidding (laughs)" Zoey and Steve start to make out as they went inside the helicopter. Steve attempted to unzip her dress, but Zoey slaps his hand.
"Sorry, there's people around" she said.
"My bad" he said as the couple continues to make out.
Meanwhile, Jeff and Roger return home, only to find an angry Hayley wearing a pink bathroom sitting on the couch.
"Okay who is who? Which one is the real Jeff?" Hayley wondered.
"I am. Your middle name is Dreamsmasher. Our daughter's name is Mary. We're both hippies. We both love weed. Your dad hates us being together, and you don't like wearing bras sometimes" Jeff said.
"That's all I needed to hear" Hayley said as she ran and hugged her husband. "Next time Jeff, imagine everyone wearing underwear. That will reduce your fear of public speaking."
"I can't or else I'll get a boner. You know how I feel" Jeff said.
"All right I'm out of here. You guys can (bleep) on your parents' living room. Peace out!" Roger said as he left.
Hayley seductively removes her robe and it falls to the ground, but the scene shades to black.
(Credits scene)
The scene shows the Risqué Admirers doing cheer-leading dances.
"Coming soon to TBS: a brand new series from the creator of 'American Dad'" there was a montage of the cheerleaders swimming in bikinis, hiking, driving fast cars, and jumping off windows.
The Risqué Admirers
The Risqué Admirers
They are so hot
And you are not
The Risqué Admirers
The Risqué Admirers
They are so cool
And you're a fool
"The Risqué Admirers: NOT coming soon to TBS" the announcer said.
End of Credits Scene
End of Act 3
If you guys were wondering who these actors were, Brian Donovan, Colleen Villard, Philece Sampler, Lara Jill Miller, and Tifanie Christun play Davis, Sora, Mimi, Kari, and Yolei, respectively, in Digimon. Plus the voices sound very similar to their characters on the show. So yeah, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Read and review and peace out my friends!