Disclaimer: I don't own the Office.
Chapter 2: Lions, Tigers, and Bears (Oh My!)
"Everybody ready?" Michael cried for the umpteenth time. He was standing at the mouth of the hiking trail, sneakers tied, back pack secure, and foot tapping the damp ground impatiently. "I want to get to the top of this sucker by dinner time!"
"But Michael, this pamphlet says it's a four hour hike to the camp site, and it's only 8am right now," Phyllis said. "We'll be there by lunch time."
Michael shot her a dirty look. "Bonding time, Phyllis," he said heatedly, looking pointedly from Jim to Dwight and back. "Bonding time."
Phyllis hung her head and pocketed the pamphlet.
"Okay, while we're young, people!" Michael shouted as he started up the path.
"Michael, wait!" Dwight called urgently. "I just realized I have a voice mail on my cell phone!"
"Can't you check it while we walk?" Michael moaned.
"No way! This must be important! No one ever calls my cell phone!" Dwight exclaimed.
Pam and Jim exchanged knowing looks while Dwight activated his voice mail. Dwight's eyes widened behind his gigantic glasses as he listened to the message. Cradling his phone on his shoulder, he pulled a pen out of his shirt pocket and scribbled a number on his hand. He pocketed the pen and snapped the phone shut loudly when he was done.
"Who was it?" Angela breathed, fluttering at his elbow.
"The zoo," Dwight said importantly. "They need the help of a sheriff with the experience of a purple belt and knowledge about black bears, seeing as one's escaped from its enclosure and they need to lure it back." He grinned smugly. "Obviously, I fit the job description perfectly. The zoo keeper, Mr. Lyin, said I should call and ask for Mr. Behr."
"How'd the zoo get your number?" Oscar wondered.
"They must have seen Dwight's ad in the Scranton Times," Jim said, winking discretely at Pam. Pam covered her mouth to smother her giggles. The previous Christmas, Dwight had destroyed his cell phone after a failed CIA operation. His number had changed with his new phone, so Jim had convinced him to include it in an ad in the news paper, which had also listed his martial arts status and efficiency with pepper spray. "Just in case somebody needs the help of a professional," Jim had told him.
Dwight dialed the number he had written on his hand. He held the phone to his ear, straight-faced and somber, waiting for someone to pick up.
"Yes, hello, this is Dwight Schrute. Can I speak to Mr. Behr please?" He paused for a moment while the person on the other end said something, looking confused. "No, I'm an adult…no, I'm not kidding….What's so funny about needing to talk to Mr. Behr?...I don't want to talk to a bear, I want to talk to Mr. Behr!...Mr. Behr? He's the guy who needs a trained purple belt to help put the bears back in the cage…Mr. Lyin left me a message. He read my ad a few months back and said I should call…Mr. Lyin, the head zoo keeper, called…No, not a lion, Mr. Lyin!...What do you mean, 'the head zoo keeper's name is Alice?'"
"Let's go," Michael said while Dwight, very frustrated, continued to argue over his cell phone. "I think Dwight can talk and walk at the same time."
"MR. BEHR NEEDS ME!" Dwight screamed at the receiver.
Pam looked at the camera, fought back a grin, held a straight face for two seconds, and then dissolved into peals of laughter.
"I got a call from a zoo once," Creed told the camera. "They told me I was banned from Animal Kingdom forever. I still don't see what's wrong with putting a penguin in the polar bear enclosure. What else do those bears have to eat? Better the penguin than me."
"Yeah, we figured the old fashioned zoo prank would be a good warm up for Dwight," Jim told the camera, grinning. "It was one of the first things we thought of yesterday. I just left Dwight a message on his cell, and gave him the number to the local zoo. They think he called to talk to the animals…Dwight's such an idiot." Jim suddenly sat up straighter, looking over the camera. "Oh, Michael's waving me over. I guess it's time to start hiking." He graced the camera man with a classic Jim-shrug before trotting over to the rest of the group.
"Michael, I'm tired," Kevin huffed. "Can we stop and rest? There's a clearing right ahead."
Andy complained, "But we've only been going for fifteen minutes!"
"That's what she said!" Michael said with a snort.
Andy continued, "But seriously, we shouldn't have to stop for Kevin. He needs to work off all those M&Ms, anyway."
Kevin tried to hide his party bag of M&Ms behind his back.
"C'mon, Andy. Let's stop for a while. Now is as good a time as ever for bonding games!" Michael reasoned.
Andy perked up a little. "Bonding games?! WOW! What're we going to do?"
"How about nap time?" Stanley suggested in a monotone. "I always bond best when my eyes are shut."
Michael punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Stanley the Manley, you're just a hoot sometimes," he chuckled.
"I'm serious," Stanley said seriously.
"Fine, then we'll play a game where you can keep your eyes closed, you…you…," Michael spluttered to find an insult properly describing Stanley. "You…you LAZY PANTS, YOU!" he snapped. Stanley sighed while Michael glared at him.
"Pair up!" Michael ordered. People gravitated towards each other. Andy made to go to Michael, but Dwight beat him to it.
"Michael, I'd be honored to be your partner," Dwight said.
Michael shrugged. "Sure, get over here."
"How about you come to me, Michael."
Michael raised his eyebrows. "I'm the boss. Just get over here!"
"I can't."
"Don't be stupid, walk over here," Michael prompted. But Dwight wouldn't budge.
"If I move," he informed everyone, "the mountain tiger's will eat me. Jim said they're attracted to motion. As long as we're hiking, I'm safe, but when we've stopped, I need to draw an anti-mountain-tiger protection circle." Sure enough, Dwight had used a stick to draw a circle around himself in the dirt. "You should all protect yourselves, too!"
Most of the employees grinned knowingly at Jim while Michael rolled his eyes at Dwight and his protective circle. "Dwight, don't be ridiculous," he sighed. "There's no such thing as mountain tigers."
"But I saw pictures, on the internet!" Dwight cried. "They're a big threat to ignorant hikers! Quick, Michael, into my protective circle, or you'll be mountain tiger meat!"
"Tigers are the only kind of cat I don't like," Angela told the camera. "Fangs are vulgar."
"As long as the mountain tigers don't eat my M&Ms…" Kevin trailed off, looking nervous.
"Of course mountain tigers don't exist," Jim told the camera. "I just took some pictures of mountain lions off the web, photo shopped tiger heads onto them, and boom! Dwight was convinced." He sighed contentedly. "It's just too easy sometimes."
By the time the interviews were over, Dwight had been coaxed out of his circle and stood next to Michael, much to Andy's displeasure. Everyone else waited to pair up until Michael finished issuing directions.
"We're going to have a scavenger hunt!" Michael twittered enthusiastically. The employees' faces fell, but he plowed on, oblivious. "One person in each pair will be blindfolded" – he brandished a fistful of bandanas – "and the other will be given a list of items." He raised his other fist to show a sheaf of papers. "The blindfolded person has to collect all of the items on the list and bring them to me. The team who finishes first gets to lead the way up the mountain!" Dwight and Andy looked positively euphoric at the thought of winning such a prize. Everyone else just looked bored.
Pam reached up and tapped Jim on the shoulder. "Want to be my partner?" she asked hopefully, swiveling back and forth slightly, hands clasped behind her back.
Jim pretended to think it over. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well…I don't know…" he drawled.
Pam grinned at him. "Well, suck it, Halpert, 'cause you have no choice. Now go get our blindfold," she ordered firmly, although her smile undermined the effects of the order. Jim raised his hand in a salute before taking a bandana from Michael.
"I'll be your partner if you wear the blindfold," he reasoned.
Pam scoffed. "Yeah, we'll see about that. Now get a blindfold!" Jim trotted off.
"Gee whiz, Pam!" Jim chirped upon his return, making a show of scrutinizing the bandana very closely. "This blind fold has your name written all over it!"
"Does not," Pam huffed.
"Does too," Jim said, folding the red material carefully into a long strip. "Maybe you'd be able to see it better if it was right on top of your eyes." He trapped her between his chest and his arms, ignoring her protests as he tied the blindfold tightly across her face. He stepped back when he was done, and she stopped writhing.
Her fingers danced across the back of her head in an unsuccessful attempt to remove the blindfold. "You should be blindfolded!" she cried.
"Maybe next time," he said. "Ladies first, you know."
She swung her fist, meaning to punch Jim, but, being blindfolded, missed him by about a foot. They broke down laughing.
"Ahh, young love!" Phyllis whispered into Stanley's ear, one eye on the happy couple, as she tied his blindfold for him.
"I don't even need to see to know you're talking about Pam and Jim," he said grumpily.
"But they're just so cute together!" Phyllis gushed.
Stanley opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Michael.
"LET THE GAMES BEGIN!" he roared, and the pairs meandered away reluctantly across the clearing.
Author's Note: Thanks to those of you who have reviewed! If anyone can think of a creative prank to work into the scavenger hunt bit, which will be the next chapter, let me know. I have some ideas, but yours might be better. : )