I don't own anything except for my OCs.
Opening Act
Hayley wakes up from her bed. She checks on her husband Jeff and her daughter Mary. She kissed both of them on the forehead. She goes to the bathroom to take her morning shower. Later, she covers herself with a pink towel and goes back to her room. She gets dressed in her normal outfit. Peaceful music was played during her routine. However, the music stopped as something was wrong.
(Baby crying)
"Jeff, what's wrong?" Hayley asked.
"Uh, nothing! Mary has gas, that's all" Jeff lied, off-screen. "Crap, what's wrong tiny? Daddy Jeff is here!"
End of Opening Act
Act 1
The scene takes place at the Smith living room. Hayley is holding on to a crying baby Mary.
"Babe, what's wrong with her?" Jeff asked.
"Jeff, where's her pacifier?" she asked back.
"I don't know babe. I thought you had it while you were taking a shower" he answered.
Stan and Francine walk in.
"What's all that racket?" Stan wondered.
"Dad, it's okay. Mary lost her pacifier and she needs it to be calm. I got this under control. I hope" Hayley said in a negative tine.
"Come here honey, it's your grandma Francine. Aren't you a sweet little angel?" Francine cooed her granddaughter as she was holding her, although it did not stop her from crying.
"Guys, what's going on in here?" Roger asked as he and Steve walk in.
"Guys, please leave us alone. Mary is a little cranky right now" Hayley answered.
"Cranky? That baby is throwing a huge temper tantrum!" Steve snapped.
"It's her binky, you guys. Once we find it, everything will be under control" Jeff suggested.
"Steve, it looks like there's a mystery going on. DO you know what that means?" Roger asked.
"You betcha Roger! This looks like a job for…" Steve added.
"WHEELS AND THE LEGMAN!" Steve and Roger shouted in unison.
Cutaway
The intro of Wheels and the Legman plays. Steve is Wheels and Roger is Legman. There were scenes involving Steve and Roger shooting at criminals. It ends with the two avoiding an exploding yacht with the title card reading: "Wheels and the Legman: Created by Stephen J. Cannell".
Cutaway Ends
Steve and Roger pose with their detective outfits.
"Oh no, not this crap again!" Klaus shook his head.
"What's your damn problem?" Roger asked.
"It's the same crap over and over again. You two bicker and then one of you has the lost item and it's so boring. Get over it already!" Klaus argued.
"Not this time fishy. It's not on my butt. Wait, what are we looking for?" Roger asked.
"We're looking for Mary's pacifier" Hayley answered.
"Oh that's right, well come on Wheels. We got a mystery to solve" Roger said as he and Steve left.
"Hayley, if Mary doesn't stop crying, I'm giving her a spanking!" Stan threatened as everyone glared at him.
Later, Steve and Roger are hanging out at their custom made office at the garage.
"Okay Wheels, what do we know?" Roger asked.
"Well Legman, my niece lost her pacifier. It's the only thing that will calm her down. Plus, it makes her ten times cuter. She's a cute as Maggie Simpson" Steve explained.
"Wheels, do you think we suck at solving mysteries?" Roger asked.
"To be honest Legman, we do" Steve answered. "Let's face it; we're slow, dumb, and stupid."
"I know you are but what am I?" Roger taunted as Steve frowns.
"I have an idea. We can recruit someone to help solve this mystery. We need somebody who's smart and fierce. I know the perfect person" Steve suggested.
Later, there was a…detective wanted poster outside of the Smith garage. A lot of people were in line.
"Let's see here: Wheels and the Legman and Fatboy. Nah, too slow. Next!" Steve ordered as Barry left.
"Wheels and the Legman and…a creepy old man?" Roger asked as Herbert from Family Guy shows up.
"Hello, you boys like some popsicles?" Herbert asked.
"Pen, where are you?" Steve asked.
"Sorry guys, he showed up for no reason. Sir, let's go. I erase you!" I said, off-screen, as a pencil shows up and erases Herbert away.
"Thank you" Steve said.
(A/E You're welcome!)
"This is going to be a long day" Roger said.
Later, Steve and Roger are sitting down on the floor, looking bored.
"How are we ever going to find Mary's pacifier?" Roger asked.
"More importantly, why didn't my girlfriend Zoey applied?" Steve wondered.
Footstep noises were heard as the person walked inside the garage. It was Steve's girlfriend Zoey Wilson. The song "Nothin' on You" by B.o.B played.
"Oops, that must be my new ringtone. Hello?" Roger answered his call.
"Hi Zoey" Steve ran as he hugged and kissed his girlfriend.
"Hi Steve; I am so sorry for being late. My family had phone problems" Zoey explained.
Flashback
Zoey's dad tries to call somebody on the phone.
"Stupid phone, why won't you call me?!" he screamed at the phone. Inside the wires of the phone, there was a virus…with a wife and a son, for some odd reason, are having a picnic.
"Isn't this fun dear?" the virus said, who is voiced by Seth MacFarlane.
"It is dear" his wife answered, who is voiced by Rachael MacFarlane.
"Mom, dad, can we play tag after our lunch?" their son said, who is voiced by Tara Strong.
Flashback Ends
"I'm just happy you're here" Steve said as he hugs her.
"Steve, you look so hot in that suit and tie. You look even hotter with your shirt off" Zoey said in a seductive tone.
"Steve, I ordered a pizza. It will be coming…well hello there. You're perfect! Let's see here: a nice chest, nice butt, nice legs, and cute hair. You're perfect! Welcome to the club!" Roger cheered.
"What club?" Zoey asked.
"Zoey, how would you like to join Wheels and the Legman?" Steve suggested.
"Sure, but who's who? I'm confused" Zoey asked.
"All your questions will be answered in a bit young lady, but first, Steve, get back in the wheelchair! You're Wheels, remember? You're not suppose to break character, damn it!" Roger growled.
"Roger calm down, I had to stand up to hug and kiss my girlfriend" Steve explained.
"You can do all that smooch making out later. Right now we need to find Mary's pacifier, but first, Zoey, put this on" Roger said as he gave Zoey a light blue blouse, navy blue short skirt, and black heels.
"What am I supposed to be?" Zoey asked.
"As part of the Wheels and the Legman gag, you are now…the Third Wheel" Roger explained.
"I don't get it" Zoey said.
"Here you go" Roger gives her…a tricycle.
"Oh God!" Zoey shouted.
End of Act 1
Act 2
Zoey walks in, wearing her new outfit.
(Wolf whistle)
Steve looks at his girlfriend as he is blushing like crazy.
"You look hot girl!" he cheered.
"Thanks Steve. Okay what are we actually doing now?" Zoey asked.
"Zoey, we're going to find my niece's pacifier. This morning, Mary will not stop crying unless she finds her pacifier. All I know that it's pink. The question is who or what took it? What we are going to do is walk around town and find every culprit that knows baby Mary and demand them to give us back her binky" Steve explained.
"Now remember Zoey, your role is to seduce the culprits until they confess" Roger added.
"Excuse me?!" Zoey shouted.
"Zoey, you are what they call you, the sexy cop. I'm the bad cop and Steve is the good cop. That's how it works" Roger explained.
"Leave her alone Roger!" Steve shouted.
"What? It's the only way to find your niece's binky. What do you say Zoey?" Roger asked.
"I'm a teenager, not a whore!" Zoey snapped.
"Fine you win. Solve this mystery the boring way then" the alien surrendered.
"Thank you" she sarcastically said.
Later, Wheels, the Legman, and the Third Wheel, walk around town, trying to find the missing pacifier. Steve is rolling with his wheelchair. Zoey is riding on a tricycle. Roger is…riding on a motorcycle.
"Oh come on!" Zoey shouted on top of her lungs.
Later, they arrived at…Barry's house.
"Steve, why are we here?" Zoey wondered.
"Zoey, Barry babysat Mary last time and I promised him a party size sausage and pepperoni pizza for himself as a token for appreciation. Maybe he stole the pacifier and wants it so that he could be a baby again. It's not how that works, you know" Steve explained.
"Hello, oh you must be Steve's imaginary friends?" Barry answered the door.
Later, he was tied up while sitting on a chair.
"Guys, whatever I did, I didn't do it! Don't make me go uh-oh in my pants! I swear I didn't take anything!" Barry cried.
"Where's her pacifier?!" Roger shouted.
"I don't have it. I don't even know what that thing is!" Barry screamed.
"It sounds like he's lying. Okay Barry, we're not going to hurt you, isn't that right Roger?" Zoey asked the alien.
"No promises" Roger answered.
"Guys, Barry's innocent. I searched his whole house and nothing. He's clean" Steve said.
"Okay, I guess you're okay" Zoey told Barry as she unties him, although Steve's fat friend is around by her chest and legs.
"Steve, can I have her if you guys break up?" Barry suggested.
"I don't think so" Steve said as they left.
Later, Jeff and Hayley are playing peek-a-boo with the crying Mary.
"Babe, this isn't working. Mary will not simply stop crying. Maybe there's something that she can chew on to get her to calm down" Jeff suggested.
"Jeff, her pacifier is the only thing that will get her to stop crying. I hope Steve and Roger finds it soon enough. Look honey, do you want to watch Barney and Friends?" Hayley suggested as she turns on the TV. Surprisingly, Mary calmed down.
"I hate you, you hate me, you all wish that I was dead" Barney sings, off-screen.
"Oh crap, it's that episode where Barney becomes emo. Oh crap, where the hell is that pacifier?! Here Mary, Hayley will feed you with her chest" Jeff suggested as he removed Hayley's shirt, revealing her black bra. Jeff tries to remove her bra, but she slaps his hand.
"Jeff, knock it off" Hayley snapped as she puts her shirt back on. "Honey, it's okay. Mommy and daddy will get you your pacifier back. I promise."
Later, Steve, Zoey, and Roger went back to the office at the garage, looking extremely tired.
"Wow, nobody knows where Mary's pacifier is, huh?" Steve asked.
"Maybe we should just buy her a new one. I don't think she'll mind" Zoey suggested.
"I guess we can do that" Steve agreed.
"My butt hurts from riding on that stupid tricycle. Do I look like three years old?! I don't think so! I'm 17, damn it!" Zoey shouted.
"Guys, we can't give up. Let's go back around town and find that pacifier. It has to be somewhere" Roger suggested.
"We tried that but nothing Legman. How about we buy her one?" Steve asked.
"This isn't going to work. I know; Steve, did you hide it inside your pants?!" Roger shouted as he lowered Steve's pants down, revealing his white briefs. Zoey blushes.
"Roger, what are you doing?!" Steve shouted.
"Is it inside your undies? Is it?" Roger asked as he looks inside Steve's underwear.
"Nope, you're clean" the alien said as he pulled up Steve's pants.
"Zoey, you need to take my advice more seriously. In order to solve the mystery of the missing pacifier quickly, you really need to be sexy! Like this for example" Roger explained as he rips Zoey's skirt, revealing her pink panties. Steve's face turns lava red after seeing his girlfriend in her underwear. Zoey covered herself with her hands.
"What are you doing, you pig?!" Zoey screamed as she retrieved her skirt back and dons it.
"Roger, this is supposed to be our mystery. You're trying to make us look ridiculous! This is not the Roger show, okay?! If you're not going to be serious, I guess we can call it quits then. I can't take this anymore. You want to embarrass us? It's not happing to us. Come on Zoey, let's go find my niece's pacifier somewhere else" Steve suggested as he stood up from his wheelchair and he takes his girlfriend with him.
"Wheels come back. You're not supposed to break character, remember?' Roger pleaded, but the couple left.
"Fine, you guys won't be laughing once I find Mary's pacifier!" Roger shouted as he laughed evilly.
(Sniffing)
"Huh, I probably shouldn't have farted when they left. You smelt it, you dealt it!" the alien laughed as he jumped.
End of Act 2
Act 3
Roger is walking around at the garage.
"How am I going to prove them wrong? I know I'm always right. I just have to show them who's boss" the alien told himself.
We see Steve and Zoey walking about town, asking people about Mary's pacifier. Everyone all shook their heads no. This was done with the song…actually I can't think of one. Here, play the instrumental theme song of 6teen.
Meanwhile, Roger is playing on his computer.
"Where is Mary's pacifier?" he asked while typing on the computer. Steve and Zoey arrive.
"Roger, we need to talk" Steve said.
"Listen you guys, I'm sorry for what I did. I know it's wrong to make you do things that make you uncomfortable. I just want to spend time with you guys, that's all. Zoey, you don't have to do anything sexy if you don't want it. I hope you guys will forgive me" the alien suggested.
"Sure why not? I forgive you" Zoey said.
"Why don't we ask Mark? I remember he babysat Mary while Hayley and Jeff went out last time" Steve suggested.
"Good idea, babe" Zoey agreed.
"Roger, I'm going to need my wheelchair" Steve said with a smile.
"If you don't mind, I would like my tricycle, please" Zoey requested with a smile as well.
"This looks like a job for…"
"WHEELS AND THE LEGMAN AND THE THIRD WHEEL!" the three said in unison.
Later, they arrived at Dunkin Donuts.
"So this is where Mark is working?" Steve questioned.
"Yeah, he's working there for now until he finds something that he enjoys doing for a living" Zoey answered.
They go inside and they see Mark.
"Hi guys, what can I do for you?" Mark said.
"Hey Mark, we were wondering if you…you know…uh" Steve tried to talk to him, only for Roger to threaten him…with a water gun.
"Puts your hands in the air! Where did you take the pacifier?!" Roger screamed.
"Excuse me?!" Mark questioned.
Later, he was tied to a chair.
"Marcus Johnson…" Roger was interrupted.
"That's not my name. My name is simply Mark Johnson" he argued.
"Whatever. Tell me, where is Steve's niece's pacifier?!" Roger demanded.
"I don't have it. Now leave me alone. Second of all, what's with the water gun?" Mark wondered.
"This is why" Roger shoots him with…hot sauce.
"Oww, it burns!" Mark cried. "Mmm, it's good actually!"
"Damn it. Okay then Zoey would you mind?" Roger asked as Steve's girlfriend jumps in.
"Mark, everything is going to be okay. If you don't have it, where is it?" she asked.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know where it is" he answered.
"(Sigh) Steve, please forgive me. Okay Mark, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Which do you prefer?" Zoey said as she walks around him in a sexy way.
"The hard way" Mark answered.
"Okay then" Zoey…unbuttons her blouse, revealing cleavage and parts of her pink bra. She continues to walk around him.
"Zoey, what are you doing? Are you actually being the sexy cop? If he doesn't have it, then we should just leave him alone" Steve suggested.
"Quiet babe, I know what I'm doing" Zoey said.
"Are you going to confess or not?" she asked.
"I do not have her pacifier!" Mark shouted.
"You don't know when to stop. Okay then, you left me no choice!" Zoey sits down on a chair and starts crossing her legs multiple times.
"Oh my God Zoey, what are you doing?" Steve asked.
"I'm making Mark confess that he took Mary's pacifier" Zoey explained. She widens her legs as she was about to reveal her underwear in front of Mark, only to be stopped by someone.
"Mark honey, I found this pacifier from the wind. I don't know who has it, but make sure somebody gets it back. Oh you must be Mark's new friends. Hello, I'm Joanne. It's nice to meet you" a lady with long blonde hair wearing a blue dress and matching heels walks in. She is voiced by Nicole Kidman.
"Mom, can you help me? I'm tied up" Mark demanded, but Steve and Zoey untied him.
"Hi I'm Steve and this is my girlfriend Zoey. We're extremely sorry about this. You see, my friend Roger and I were trying to find Mary's pacifier, but we ended up going bananas and this is what happen. Mark, I'm really sorry Zoey tried to seduce you" Steve said.
"Mark, I'm deeply sorry. I got a bit carried away with being the sexy cop that I forgot what we're actually solving. I hope you can forgive us" Zoey said.
"Well, I did see what kind of undies you were wearing Zoey, so yes I'll forgive you guys" Mark said.
"It's my fault to. I should have made a poster that somebody lost a pacifier and for someone to retrieve it. Here you go. Thanks mom for taking care of it" Mark said as he gives Steve the pacifier.
"Thanks man" Steve said. "Roger isn't there something you would like to say?" he asked the alien.
"Nope" Roger refused but Zoey kicked him in the groin.
"Okay I'm sorry for making you look like a dork Steve. I'm sorry for forcing you to be the sexy cop Zoey. I'm deeply sorry for keeping you hostage Marky! Friends?" Roger offered a handshake.
"Sure man" Mark accepted his apology, only to kick him in the groin.
"You guys are so cute. Who wants some chocolate doughnuts?" Mark's mom asked as Steve, Zoey, and Mark left.
"…and so, we found Mary's pacifier and thank God Mark was being a good sport about it. Mary never cried out of control ever again. There was peace and quiet in the Smith household and everything went back to normal" Steve narrated as the scene shifts to him, Zoey, and Roger sitting on the couch watching TV. All of them had their normal outfits on, while Roger simply had a t-shirt and jeans. Hayley walks in, while holding on to baby Mary, who is sleeping and sucking on her pacifier.
"Thanks you guys! I love you all, even you Roger" Hayley said with a cheerful smile.
"Well, we did it you guys! We solved the mystery of the missing pacifier! Let's watch some TV" Steve suggested.
(Credits roll)
"You don't think Mark is upset with us, was he?" Zoey said.
"I have a feeling he is" Steve answered.
The final scene shifts to Mark, who is smiling for some odd reason.
"Thanks for looking after the pacifier, mom. I finally got to see my pen pal in her underwear. Now I can move on" he said.
"Son, that's not nice. Maybe it's time you get a girlfriend" Joanne answered.
"You're right mom. I hope Steve will help me" Mark said.
"I'm sure he will. You want the rest of these leftover doughnuts?" she asked.
"I'm good, thanks" he answered.
"Sorry guys, I can't help it. I promise not to interfere. Pen, if you see me interfering, kill me off, just like Brian from Family Guy. I'm serious!" he begged.
End of Act 3
Even though this was supposed to be funny, it was harder than expected. Oh well, it's done and next week will be the two part storyline involving the Smiths and Wilsons going to Japan. This is pen123, signing off!