Disclaimer: I absolutely do not own The Office.
Author's Note: This chapter is going to be a bit shorter than the others. It's basically here to bridge the gap between the hike and dinner time. As always, reviews and ideas for pranks are more than welcome!
Chapter 4: What's For Dinner?
"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!" Andy sang jovially as he led the dispirited employees up the mountain.
"Are we there yet?" Kevin moaned for the umpteenth time.
"Almost," Phyllis replied, whipping out her map. "We only have a few more minutes of walking!"
Everyone cheered, with the exceptions of Michael, who was too busy having the time of his life to want the hike to end, and Andy, who was too busy whistling theme songs from Disney movies to waste his breath on whooping. In the better part of an hour, Andy had sung through most of the hits of the Lion King, Aladdin, and Toy Story, and had just scratched the surface of Snow White.
After winning the scavenger hunt, the small amount of power allotted to Andy by Michael as a prize immediately went to his head. Since then, Andy had called breaks every 20 minutes to engage in "bonding activities," including dodge ball, freeze tag, and rock-paper-scissors – and he had even suggested spin-the-bottle.
Andy's enthusiasm had delighted Michael, who had participated enthusiastically in all of his and Andy's games. But, seeing as all of the Yes-Man's pit stops had caused a would-be four hour hike to drag on for over ten hours, the rest of the Dunder-Mifflinites were definitely not as pleased with the hiking excursion as Michael. The general lack of toleration for the bonding games was clearly demonstrated by the fact that most of the employees had confessed to spending the trip contemplating the best ways to commit suicide on a remote mountain trail.
"The coolest way to die on a mountain…" Dwight trailed off, stroking his chin pensively. "Probably getting eaten by the people you're traveling with once you get lost and are desperate for food and turn to cannibalism as a last resort." Misinterpreting the camera man's look of disgust as a look of approval, Dwight added smugly, "You asked for cool, I gave you cool!"
"I think starvation would do me in pretty fast," Kevin informed the camera somberly, stomach growling. "I wonder what's for dinner…."
"Just listening to Andy singing," Karen said promptly. "An hour of 'Lovefool' and I'd be a goner."
"We're here!" Andy announced, stepping out of the thick woods and into a large clearing. The light of the setting sun that filtered in from the canopy of leaves above was soft and pinkish, reflecting off the surface of the stream that wound its way along the far end of the clearing. A series of several, small log cabins flanked the left side of the camp. Logs surrounded a mammoth fire pit, perched directly in the middle of the camp. Three wooden picnic tables filled the right side of the clearing. Aside from a water pump at the back of the camp site, the area seemed devoid of plumbing.
The employees dropped their heavy back packs on the ground with a series of groans and muttered curses.
"My bag just felt heavier and heavier as the day went on," Dwight complained, stretching his arms up over his head and twisting to crack his back. "I guess hiking really tired me out."
Pam and Jim exchanged knowing glances. They had, of course, shoved rocks into Dwight's back pack every time the group had stopped to play games. Due to Andy's status as a maniac, the stops had been frequent. Alas, Dwight's bag currently weighed as much as a small lawn mower.
"My feet hurt," Stanley complained.
"What's for dinner?" Kevin wondered.
"I have to pee!" Kelly announced. "Where's the restroom?"
Michael spread his arms wide in a gesture that would have made Moses proud. "Nature is your bathroom, Kelly," he boomed mystically.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Kelly squealed indignantly.
Michael tossed a roll of toilet paper at her. "Watch out for poison ivy," he advised her as she stormed off into the trees. Meredith promptly stopped sipping her drink, choosing sobriety over a full bladder that would, inevitably, lead her into the woods after Kelly.
"This just got so much better," Pam sighed, flopping down onto her back pack.
Jim plopped onto the ground next to her. "At least Andy stopped singing."
This was true; he was now preoccupied with a bit of gum stuck to the bottom of his sneakers.
"I'm thirsty," Pam said absently.
"I've got water." Jim's hand was swallowed by his massive bag, and resurfaced clutching a white water bottle. Before handing her the bottle, he lifted it to his lips and squeezed the bottle, hard. As the contents of the bottle entered his mouth, his eyes widened in shock, and then he spluttered.
"What's wrong?" Pam demanded, concerned, while Jim spat mouthfuls of translucent goop onto the ground.
"Not…water!" Jim choked, now wiping his tongue on the inside of the sleeve of his sweatshirt. "Soap!"
"Soft Soap, to be exact," Dwight informed the camera proudly. The noises of Jim gargling water could be heard in the background while Dwight brandished two very empty bottles of hand soap. "I buy them in bulk at BJs. They have great prices. And the stores are very clean. Like Jim's mouth."
"Yeah, I think Dwight put the soap in Jim's water bottle," Oscar said, smiling slightly. "Makes sense, after that phone call at the bottom of the mountain – and I think I saw Jim putting rocks in Dwight's bag earlier – but still…I never expected Dwight to seek revenge on Jim for his pranks," Oscar admitted. "I just thought he was a nark, not a retaliation kind of guy."
"When I was a kid, my mom cleaned my mouth out with soap if I said something dirty," Michael told the camera forlornly. "I wouldn't have said 'shit' when I was four if I knew hand sanitizer tasted like that…."
Jim grimaced. "Oh yeah, that soap tasted heavenly. I think it was Milk and Honey. Yum. Way better than Cucumber Melon, in my opinion." Switching from sarcasm to being quite serious, Jim declared with narrowed eyes, "Dwight is so going down."
"So!" Michael quipped upon Kelly's return from the woods. "Everybody pick a little cabin thing to sleep in! I think it's four to a hut."
People immediately scampered off with their bags to pick their cabins. Jim and Pam ended up in a cabin with Angela and Dwight, and they couldn't decide if this was a good or a bad thing.
Once everyone had set up their sleeping bags and air mattresses on the floors of their cabins, the Dunder-Mifflinites congregated around the fire pit. Dwight had already started a roaring fire. The staff plopped down on the logs and chatted, warming their hands, while Dwight poked around in the flames with a stick. Finally, Michael emerged from his cabin, two large grocery bags in his hands.
"Dinner time!" Michael called, raising the bags so everyone could see.
"What's for dinner?" Kevin asked eagerly.
"Squirrels!" Michael chirped gleefully.