Pain – Chapter 4

"…is awake… Gary… Gary…"

A voice just kept pumping through his head. Pain ached through every side, feeling his skull will get crushed from pressure. Soft booms could be heard through the constant disorienting ring and occasional call of his name.

"Gary… Gary. GARY!"

Garrus eyes burst open in a sudden, light painfully entering his head from the sudden departure of darkness. His vision cleared up, the first he sees is his friend kneeling beside him, his own back leaning at the wall of a nearby building. His hand flew to his head, trying to relieve his throbbing head.

"Paul? Where… where are we? What happened?" Paul opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted by the thunderous blast of a nearby cannon. The round flew through the air, hitting a titan on the legs as it passed a fork in the road a few hundred meters ahead. It fell face down, but continued to crawl inch by inch towards them.

"You were knocked out for a good ten minutes since we found you! The surviving cannon squads are trying our best to hold the titans at bay while the civilians run through the gate. What happened back there?"

Garrus tried to remind himself of what happened, when his mind started throbbing, accompanied by a painful sore at the back of his eyes. Nothing entered his memory, nothing but hurt.

"I… can't remember. I must have hit my head hard." Another two 10 meter classes came from the fork, walking slowly towards them.

"Can you fight, man?" Paul held out a hand for his friend to grab, who took it to be pulled up.

"Yes, I can take it. What we do we have to do?"

"The Corporal said we got to help out with this baby right here!" Patting on a cannon a few steps from both of them.

"They're short on living people at the moment, and we're one the remaining guys who have the know-how to load a cannon."

"Gatling! Skillen! Josik! Get that cannon loaded and ready NOW!"

Garrus shouted affirmative, taking a rammer beside him while another soldier cleaned the inside with a staffed sponge. Paul ran to take a cannonball from a pile nearby as Garrus pushed a bag of gun powder into the barrel. After securing the round deep inside the cannon, Paul fixed up the wicker at the end. Both young men stood behind the cannon, waiting for the corporal to give the order. The titans made it halfway through the road as they loaded the cannon

"Fire!"

All five cannons launched their high-explosive rounds down the street. Only 2 successfully hit their targets and the only confirmed kill being a much smaller 4 meter titan. Some soldiers began stepping away from the approaching titans, inching closer to the gate.

"You idiot! What were you aiming at?!" The Corporal angrily shouted at one of the gunners.

"We can't hit moving targets with these things!" The titans just kept closer and closer. Even Paul took a few steps towards the gate.

"Who cares?! Get the next round loaded now!" A few of the cannon engineers who had control of their body, including the both Garrus and Paul, started to reload their cannon again. The Gunner that the corporal shouted at remained petrified.

"I can't!" There was a deep clink of metal chains before the rumbling of concrete as the inner gate behind them began lowering itself. The gunners by the road stared in shock as the gate continued to go down.

"The gate is closing…" One soldier slowly turned his body and taking a few steps towards the gate before heading into a full sprint.

"No… They're leaving us behind!" A few soldiers began following the first's soldiers example, some others hesitating between staying and retreating.

"Hey! Return to your positions! That is an order! Get the cannons loaded and prepared for another strike!" The Commander turned to the two young soldiers who had just finished preparing their cannon's wicker. Garrus stepped back behind the cannon as Paul reported to their officer.

"Sir, gun loaded and re-" Heavy footsteps silenced his voice as everyone looked around for the source of the sound. Every step was like a cannon from a distance being fired, and the gunners were sure they were the last unit in the area that was operational. From a destroyed arch near the road fork, an odd 15 meter titan emerged. Its body was covered in some kind of brown carapace, white short hair and glowing yellow eyes on its head. Unlike the other titans, which keep their horrifying teeth usually visible, this aberrant didn't even have a visible mouth.

Everyone took a step back as the titan took a kneeling like position. Suddenly it burst into a sprint, running straight towards the gate and their position.

"W-w-what… is it d-doing?" One of the gunners ask, still staring in disbelief at the dangerously approaching titan. The Corporal was the first to regain his senses

"Fire!" The Cannons fired their rounds once more, one hitting the titan directly in the chest. But it just continued running, as if the round never hit it in the first place.

"What?! It's not working!" The titan just continued accelerating. It wasn't planning to eat them, but rather reach the other side of the inner gate before it closed.

"Run! Hurry!" The gunners didn't need to be told twice as they abandoned their positions and run towards the gate. Garrus was about to run towards the gate as well, but he noticed how near the titan was to them already. They would never make it in time. Paul was still standing at his position, his shock-filled face unresponsive. Garrus took hold of the waist of the still gunner, desperately getting them to move.

"Paul! Move out of the way! It's going to ram us!" He successfully pushed his friend out right before a shockwave brought by one the titan's feet thrown them up into the air and into the entrance of a nearby alley. Fragments of broken road, wall, and cannons scattered every, raining heavy, solid projectiles all over the area.

On the ground, Garrus tried to stand up but couldn't feel his left leg, a sharp piece of wood from a cannon wheel running right through it. He looked around to find Paul, only to find his friend under the very barrel of the cannon they were loading a few seconds ago. He limped to him, his own leg's pain drowned out by the need to see to his fellow soldier.

Paul's entire waist was being crushed by the cannon, the large mass of metal pushing right through his body. More pieces of wooden shrapnel was sticking out from his chest. Blood was splattered across the wall while lines of the red liquid ran from his mouth. His eyes were shut closed in pain as he groaned. Every breath he took was accompanied by a similar groan, clear signs his lungs were damaged.

Garrus knelt by his friend, trying to push the cannon off his waist, but it was too heavy for his weakened state to do anything. Paul opened his eyelids weakly, looking up to his friend as Garrus continued to push.

"Paul, stay with me. We're going to roll this thing off you, you hear me? Push on my mark!" Garrus continued to push but noticed Paul wasn't doing anything.

"Gary… I can't feel my arms, much more my legs. It hurts… everywhere…" Garrus fought to keep his tears inside, thinking it is not the sight his friend needed right now.

"Don't worry. The medics are just on the other side of this wall. I'll carry you while we fly over that damn thing. We'll be safe, I'm sure of it." Paul's drooping eyes just stared at his friend before he gave a short chuckle, scaring Garrus more than surprising him.

"You know… a scout veteran told me how dying soldiers… seem to know their time is up when they see their reflection… in the eyes of their comrades. I can't believe he was right." He began coughing up blood, some spilling into Garrus' white pants, who really couldn't care less about his uniform but couldn't worry more about his fading partner.

"Paul, that's just a rumor! You'll l-live, alright! I-I-I'll find a w-way." He couldn't help himself anymore. Garrus started tearing up. His partner-in-crime, his training-mate, his good friend, the one who seemed to always be smiling no matter what, was dying. There was no denial in him anymore, but he felt so useless that he can only stare and gawk.

"I think this is a better way to die… than getting chewed on. Not the glorious, falling-in-battle type of death that I thought of... where songs would be sung about me while women all over the walls wished for a second of this great… hero's time." Same old Paul. He's going down the way he lived. Garrus grinned through the tears.

"Y-y-you bastard. You sick, sick, bastard. You're dying and that's what you're thinking about?" Paul just laid his head down, and started to close his eyes.

"But you know what, man? You were right." A different smile shown from his face. Not the flirty grin he puts up or the stupid smirk when he forms stupid ideas. Just… a pleasant smile. "There was always that one girl in my mind that I couldn't shake off… no matter how hard I tried to forget…"

And his breath stopped. He died with a smile, refusing to let this world conquer who he was. Garrus just stood up, his face expressionless, tears ran dry. He looked at where the gate was, watching as titans walked through the massive hole.

They haven't noticed him yet but not for long. With 3DMG still intact, he launched himself up Wall Maria and into the docks where a last ship was loading who they can. As he walked closer to the boating area, his leg grew in pain more and more.

Battle lines were forming around the last boat. Some civilians gave up trying to board and started heading to Trost, either by walking, running, or horseback for the few rich. Garrus can see broken lines of cannons formed around the broken gate, trying their best to withstand the onslaught of titans. He walked up to one of the commanding officers before giving a salute. The Officer and the soldiers around stared at him, or rather his leg, some in disgust, and most in concern.

"Private Gatling, ready to ser-ARGH!" There was a sudden crunch in his leg as blood burst out from a newly formed crack. The wooden stake penetrated deeper than he thought, tearing through the bone. The pain was unbearable. Excruciating. It was if it was getting stung by thousands of wasps while smashed by a whole set of sledgehammers all at once.

The commander's concern turned to repulsion and distraught, instantly kneeling by the soldier at an attempt to calm his writhing body.

"Medic! I need a medic over here! Get him to the boat, now! He's just titan fodder over here!"

That was the last thing Garrus heard before his sight faded into darkness.

In a few seconds, he found himself conscious in a black setting, only being to see his own body. He walked around aimlessly, appearing to never even going anywhere. An image started forming in front of him, two figures taking shape.

His mother and father stood in front of him, their back turned. He called out to them, but he heard nothing come out. They both turned around, blood dripping down their eyes yet acting as if they were normal, or what one would consider normal if it wasn't for their faces. The older woman had a look of brokenness and hate, staring Garrus down with such anger.

"HOW. COULD. YOU. I trusted you! We trusted you! You were supposed to bring your brother back! Yet you let him die! In front of you, even!" Every word pierced Garrus in the heart, yet he remained even more confused as before. Brother? He didn't understand. What did he know about Matthias? While trying to think it through, his father stepped closer.

Never before had he seen an expression of disappointment and anger on the man who he called dad. The glares his father was throwing at him was sharper than the blades he carried.

"I thought you were a man. I had such high hopes for you. Hopes that you would be someone great. I was wrong. You are a failure. A shame to those who you call family and friends. You never became a man. You are less than an irresponsible child. You're a bastard!"

Garrus grew even more hurt and confused. Why were they angry at him? What did he do? Both figures faded as smaller one took its place, taking the form of his sister. Her head had a nasty hole, blood flowing out in strands. Her face showed fear and distrust, looking at him as if he were a titan. He tried to step closer to her, but she took two steps backwards, crying in distress.

"Why, Gary! Why did you leave him?! Why did you leave me?! You said you would protect me when you came back, that we would all be together again…" Garrus tried to shout 'I did! I was! And I will bring us together again!' but no words came. He tried to reach for his sister again, this time reaching for a strand of her hair before being pounded painfully by several images, forcing him to close his eyes. He saw the rubble in the kitchen, Venus laying on the ground, her eyes shut closed.

As he opened his eyes, still unable to process what he has seen, he saw a large crowd of men and women wearing the same uniform he was. Their faces were darkened as they looked at him with blades in their hands. He can remember a few of them as he looked around. Some were fellow cadets from the 99th, but they had bloodied and severed arms and legs. He recognized Lieutenant Alawak, a large wound running through her glare-filled face. He saw her, the girl in a scout's uniform, bloodied with a large wooden stake puncturing through her chest, also giving eyes filled with hatred.

When he turned, he saw Paul on his broken feet, his lower body completely battered. Marks of blood was around his smirk, one filled with hostility and malice, his eyes reflecting the same emotions.

"They always said we have to trust our comrades in the field. And I did. I put my life in your hands like you placed yours in mine. And for what?! I saved you! You couldn't even push a damn cannon off me. Then you leave me there to die, doomed to become titan chow!" Garrus pain and confusion grew and grew as every soldier around him shouted at him, forcing him to cover his ears from the pain. Yet he can hear every stabbing word Paul said.

"I thought you were my friend!"

"I am!"

"I believed that you would always watch my back!"

"I did!"

Paul raised his fist, the smirk turned to a snarl of gritting teeth. He ran towards Garrus, the fist turning into bone like the rest of his body started to turn, along with all the other soldiers.

"I trusted a TRAITOR!"

When his punch reached Garrus, another set of images rocked his mind, sending him to the ground. Painful pictures shone in his eyes. He saw cannons firing by the gate, a titan running towards them, Legs under a cannon, a calm smile on Paul's face.

It all stopped and silence returned. Garrus was already in a fetal position when regained control of himself. His environment still black. The pain in his heart remained, and he still did not understand why they spoke of such.

Streaks of red started appearing throughout the black blanket. Some started becoming drops while some continued to flow, forming a shape. The markings of the red liquid formed something like a chin, the very top lied red outlines of teeth. Garrus followed one trail that kept doing the chin, into what appears to be a neck before heading right down his feet.

And to his surprise, he saw Matthias sitting on the floor. He did not look like the others. There was no wounds, no blood coming from any area. He also held that same face he had when his baby brother looked at him curiously. Garrus sat down to his brother's level, still wondering why he felt so much guilt looking at him. The young child turned his sideways by a tiny bit, biting one of his fingernails.

Garrus was still confused with everything that happened so far. He could not make sense of it all. Until Matthias spoke one word.

"Gary?"

The tearing in his heat burst in pain a thousand fold. These images that formed in his mind were more like real-live memories replaying over and over again. He twisted on the ground, incapable of controlling himself as they all flashed.

The Rubble.

The Hand.

The Titan.

The Teeth.

The Blood.

Blood. Blood everywhere. It dripped down through all the black walls of the room. It covered him. It was everywhere. From the blood arose a monster. One with hidden face, only teeth seen. It was titan, but it was… shorter. 3 meters. Like the one from the alley. Its face finally cleared, revealing the head of the 12 meter by the gate at the first time they witnessed someone eaten.

He pulled, struggled and fought to get his body moving, but he just remained still. The titan grabbed him with both its hand, edging him closer and closer to its mouth. He tried screaming, cursing, and crying even, but no sound came out. Only silence by the tightening of his throat.

Chomp.

Garrus almost jumped out of bed with a stir, sweat covered his entire body. His breathing was heavy, taking in large gulps of air before releasing it out. His hands were shaking as they held onto the bed's frame, digging his nails into the wood. Where was he? He looked around to see he was in a small room, the symbol of the Garrison on the wall. A small lamp was lit on top of a table to his left. The small window to his side revealed the darkness of night, with some light coming from the torches outside.

He felt like there was someone beside him. He turned to his right to Venus, a bandaged wrapped around her head. She was sitting on a chair beside his bed, looking at him worryingly.

"Gary? Are you okay?" She tried to reach him before he flinched an inch away from her, looking at her in distress as his breathing increased.

"Gary?! You're scaring me! What's wrong with you?" He look at his sister again. No open hole in her head. No blood. Just her, not scared of him but scared for him. He suddenly lunged forward, embracing Venus with a tight, shaking hug.

"I'm sorry, Vivi. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you. I'm-" He was interrupted as Venus returned the hug, burying her face onto his chest.

"I'm okay, Gary. A little bump to the head, but fine." She giggled a bit as she tried to soothe her brother. She was not used to him being so jittery, so petrified. Venus can tell something was wrong.

"You look like you had a nightmare. A bad one. Mama and Papa said that when you have bad dreams, you just continue to hug someone until it all goes away." Garrus was about to relax until he remembered his parents. Where are they? Were they all right?

The door suddenly opened to reveal his father head, looking worried but then filled with relief after seeing Garrus. His mother soon followed, covering her face as she found her baby boy again. Both parents tried to hold back tears as they ran to their son's bed, but failed when the fact he was awake hit both of them again.

"GARRUS!" His mother was the first to hug her son, causing him a little pain in the chest but that was dwarfed by the peace he found in his mom's hugs. His father pulled a chair nearby to sit by the bed, his hands grabbing his son's uninjured left arm.

"We were worried sick! You came onto the last boat with us, in such pain I couldn't even look at you for a few seconds before screaming." His mother must have had an endless supply of tears, as he lost count how many times she had cried on him since he came back to Shiganshina.

Shiganshina. The Gate. Mat-

His train of thought was interrupted by the squeezing of his hand by his father, who looked at him with such joy.

"We seriously thought we were going to lose you. The amount of blood you lost was astounding. It's a miracle you survived. When they said you lost your leg, we assumed that you would soon follow. But we held on to you, Gary. We knew you were a fighter." Garrus, though felt comforted by his words, was confused about what he meant by him losing a leg. Right before the memory returned to him.

He pulled his sheets up slowly, seeing a bandage around his left knee that was once connected to his foot. It all made sense why he felt so sore in his lower body. He didn't really know what to think about it as he stared at the bloody stub. Despair since he can't fight anymore? Anger at the titans for taking his leg away? Relief that his foot was the only part of him that perished? He just stared at it blankly before his father pulled the blanket back down his feet, covering it once again.

"Now is not the time for you to think about that. You are still in recovery, the wound still a bit fresh. And don't worry about being a limp for the rest of your life. The Garrison has given you this wooden prosthetic" His father raising a peg-like looking piece of wood "for you to wear once it heals up."

Garrus had to ask where they were. He still had no idea where in the walls could they be.

"Dad, where are we?"

"We are in Trost, more specifically a hospital. You were out for a whole 3 days. Vivi was in charge of making sure you drank lots of water while your mom and I did what we can to help our fellow refugees." His mother gave a sad look outside the window, only now revealing a sea of tents.

"You were one of the only garrison to make it out of Shiganshina alive. By the time we reached Trost, titans already swarmed out of the district and began to roam into the rest of Wall Maria." His train of thought suddenly started up again.

Shiganshina. The Gate. Matthias. The Titan.

"Matthias." He gave a small whisper, but it can be heard by the other three occupants in the room. Everyone stiffened as they heard the name, silence resounding in between all of them. His parent's eyes saddened, looking down on the ground. Venus turned to stare into the wall, her eyes revealing a similar depression.

Garrus suddenly crawled into a fetal position, tucking his head under his arms, hiding in shame.

"I'm sorry." He whispered softly. His mom looked up a bit, putting her hand on his back.

"Garrus, it's not your fau- "

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" His chants started getting louder, his pillow getting soaked by the tears falling. His voice was so broken, so full of despair, so saturated with guilt.

He was weak. He was a coward. He was a failure. He just kept crying out, more emotion entering every apology.

"I'm sorry! I'm s-sorry! I'M SORRY!" Both his parent only watched in pain, their hearts breaking by the sight of their eldest in ruin. Venus was the first move, getting off her chair and squeezing her brother, tears also falling from her eyes. It disturbed her seeing the strongest boy she knew wrapped in himself like a fearful baby and she felt so powerless, not knowing what to do.

The Gatling parents soon joined their daughter in doing their best to comfort Garrus, as his shouts of apologies turned to stuttering whispers, drowning in hiccups and tears. Their eyes were also waterlogged, feeling the same despair of helplessness, just being able to hug him and nothing more.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry… I'm s-s-sorry…"

A garrison soldier quietly opened the room, about to ask them to be quieter until he saw the entire family at the bed, his fellow soldier's face in deep anguish. Even if he was stationed in Trost, it was almost as if he felt a fraction of what they have experienced in Shiganshina just by watching them. And it was already a horrible feeling. He silently closed the door, trying to keep his mind from being too disturbed.

Once again, the Gatling family was reunited in an embrace, but their tears were now filled with brokenness than joy, and eerily lacked one more member.

Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin. (duh)