A Gift for Flora Chapter Three
The household was back into some kind of rhythm after the couple of tumultuous weeks. Erin and Katie were back into the normal routine of work and child care and everyone else had returned to their lives. Everyone except Flora. She hadn't been ready to go back to the hustle and bustle of the hospital. The loss of Caroline had hit her hard. They hadn't needed a blood tie for mother and child to be close.
Erin had taken Katie to child care for the morning so Flora set about going through her mother's things. She made a start on the chest of drawers deciding what to throw out and what to send to the Op Shop. Underneath the clothes in the top drawer she found an envelope with her name on it. Inside was a beautiful necklace holding two intertwined rings. She knew these were her mothers' wedding rings. Caroline had worn it around her own neck for the last five years ever since the arthritis in her fingers had taken hold. The attached note simply said 'For Flora xx'.
"Oh mum"
Putting the necklace on, leaving the sorting and fetching the red leather bound book, Flora once more settled into Caroline's old rocking chair. Opening up the book she smiled at the two photos facing her. She must have been about a year old in both. A funny little thing with fat little legs. Good job those were a thing of the past. In the first photo she was standing hanging onto Eden the dog she had grown up with. Eden had been highly protective of Flora and the little girl had loved him to bits. The second photo was one she knew well. It had been taken on her first birthday and a larger version stood on the piano downstairs. It was of her and her two brothers and showed her being held in William's arms laughing at Laurence blowing raspberries at her. A happy photo of them all.
The smile still on her face she turned to the next letter.
January 2016
My dearest Kate
It's a year. A year since my life was complete and then torn apart. A year since I was given the gift of Flora on the day I lost you. How are you supposed to mark the public joining of two people in love, death and new life within twenty four hours. As I have discovered there are no manuals to follow for this Kate. So to paraphrase Frank Sinatra I have done it my way.
Do you remember the day you dragged me up Stoodley Pike? You made me put on those hideous boots and made me slog up a muddy trail in the pouring rain with water trickling down my neck and pooling somewhere in the region of my knickers. Torture is what it was yet you were in your element laughing at my discomfort, dismissing my moans and skipping through the puddles. You were like some demented four year old high on E numbers…. And I couldn't have loved you more. When we got to the top the rain suddenly stopped, the cloud cleared and there spread out below us was god's own country. Do you remember I turned to you and you caressed my face between your gentle hands and kissed me with such intensity I lost my breath and time stood still.
I remember Kate. I remember as if it was yesterday. I decided to honour our commitment to each other and your life by going back to the top of the Pike. You know I am not religious but somehow it seemed fitting to be on high as if the height would bring me closer to you somehow. Now its winter and as you know it does get very cold. This season we have had a lot of snow, but I did my homework and took Laurence off to the hiking shop to help me get the right gear. I even got those hideous boots out. I didn't tell him why and he just thought his mother was losing more of her marbles. I did tell Gillian where I was going in case I didn't return and someone knew where to look. I know it sounds like a totally daft idea when put onto paper but I know you would understand Kate. It felt right.
I think the universe understood too my love. The sun shone down on our anniversary day. It was one of those beautiful crisp winter days that only we can have.. clear air bright blue sky and the sun sparkling off the snow that has been lying for the last two weeks. You could see for miles. Now I must admit I did have a few qualms about going off on my own and the universe was looking after me in that too. When I got to the bottom of the path there waiting for me were William and Laurence. Gillian had spilt the beans because she was worried. They all thought I shouldn't be on my own on that day of all days. Well that was Gillian and William's view. According to Laurence I apparently have a lousy sense of direction and can't be let out on my own and it would have been far too embarrassing to call out the Mountain Rescue. Whatever it was very kind of them and I admit it was lovely to have the company.
When we got to the top they gave me space and time on my own. I sat on the base of the Pike where we ate lunch that time. I read out my wedding poem.. no not my love is like a jeep..the real poem and then your poem. Your words brought me to tears just as they did a year ago and I swear I felt your hand wiping them away as they fell.
It was not the only thing that brought me to tears that day. When we got home Laurence and I were on our own in the kitchen. He told me it was wrong of him not to have gone to our wedding and he was sorry. He wished he could turn back the clock and have me happy again. He is still a real shit much of the time but now and again we get glimpses of the man I hope he becomes. We are all doing our best to be a family and I do think he is genuinely fond of our Flora.
Talking of Flora and I know you must be impatient for news of her, you wouldn't believe how much she has grown in a year. She was crawling before I knew it and into everything. We have had to make the whole place baby proof which drives my mother nuts. It's not only Flora who can't get into drawers and cupboards. Since 'The Colic' went she has been a happy baby and now full of giggles and squeals. Her favourite game at the moment is to be raced round the garden on William's shoulders. She squeals so loudly they can hear her in Halifax.
She took her first steps on her birthday. Oh Kate I wish you had been there. It was wonderfully funny. She had been dragging herself to her feet for a while using anything she could find. On this occasion it was Eden (oh have I mentioned Eden. He's the resident boofhead Springer spaniel. I know I said I would never get a dog but Gillian brought him round and I couldn't resist him. He is wonderful with Flora and good for all of us). Anyway Flora dragged herself up using Eden. Suddenly she lost her grip when he decided to chase a fly and her little fat legs went off on their own accord. The look of surprise on her face was priceless. Five steps and she landed on her backside and started to cry. Of course she got lots of praise and an extra (little) bit of birthday cake for being such a clever girl.
She is going to be a bright thing just like her mother and she seems to have inherited your love for music. Nothing soothes her quite like Bach playing in the background. That and the Beatles especially George songs. Well the girl has taste.
We gave her a little birthday party. It's not Flora's fault that her birth and your death are so inexorably intertwined for me. I won't have her missing out because of it. I am the grown up here. Gillian and the Halifax crowd came over. I still don't know whether I love that woman to bits or she is the biggest pillock out. She drives me to distraction but then does something so kind it floors me. As the anniversary came closer she couldn't have been kinder and I have been grateful. Anyway the birthday was light-hearted and fun and enjoyed by all.
It was a pity your mum didn't make it over Kate. She hasn't been well and we didn't see her in the summer. I must try and take Flora over next year but you know me and planes. It will take a lot of pills! Perhaps Laurence would come with us in his summer break. He goes to university in a few months you know. He's put in for Leeds and wants to live at home to all our surprise. I thought he would be itching to leave. Not that Flora and I ever see him even now. He is quite the social butterfly and is heavily involved in the local theatre company. He is supposed to be studying but I am not convinced there is much study. There is only so much nagging a mother can do.
The school Christmas concert was interesting to say the least. I don't think I am being biased when I say the choir has really gone to pot. Like all of us they have lost their way without you. And where on earth can I find a languages teacher with your talent? I've been through two already.
The last year has felt as if I am living in a soap opera at times. I am not angry with you anymore Kate but some days the sense of loss feels like a massive anchor round my neck dragging me down. I still rail against the unfairness of life. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Bringing up Flora on my own was not part of the plan.
It's not as if the connection is lost. You live in the very depth of my heart and soul. I know that with absolute certainty. It's the external manifestations of that connection ...your laugh..your smell..your touch..that are beginning to fade and sometimes I can't bear that. I can be brought undone by the smallest of things.' Will You Still Love me Tomorrow' came on the radio the other day and I dissolved into a blubbering mess in the middle of the kitchen. Lots of strong Yorkshire tea was needed before I could go on. But on I do go Kate. You would not expect anything less.
Wherever you are my love I will find you when my time comes. Wait for me. Until then I remain your
Caroline xx
Flora shut the book and lost herself in her thoughts. The depth of Caroline's love for Kate had never dawned on her before. Caroline had been right. True connections were born not made. How lucky had she been to have been brought up by this woman and how lucky was she to have found Erin. She was truly blessed.