A gift for Flora Chapter four
The early mornings were Flora's favourite time. Those hours when the world was quiet and thoughts could rumble around in her head undisturbed. She slid out of bed so that she wouldn't wake her partner. Picking up her mother's letters she sat herself once more in the old rocking chair, put on the little reading light and took herself back in time.
January 2020
My dearest Kate
And so five years has passed and still I think of you daily. Will that ever change I wonder. Don't get me wrong I am not stuck in the past and I don't wallow in misery far from it (that would be a slur on this bond of ours) but there is not one single day when I don't look to tell you my news or wish you were here in body not just mind and spirit. As the years have gone by the anger has completely left me and I can dwell on the good stuff (and there is heaps of that) and laugh at the memories. Our love is a privilege and has taught me so much about myself and the world in general. I am ever grateful. I use the present tense deliberately because as I have found the love doesn't die with the person. We just express it differently.
Mindfulness Kate, being in the moment when I can has helped me cope and stopped me being crippled at times. Who would have thought me the consummate scientist would go all zen but I can't lie it has helped enormously and in my defence there is some really good science to back it up. I am not that good at it yet and I am sure you would be on the floor laughing at me but meditation has become part of my daily ritual.
We now have a family ritual on THE DAY too. As you may have guessed from previous letters I now don those hideous boots every year and pull myself up Stoodley Pike. The boys accompany me and this year for the very first time we took little Flora with us. Laurence took her off to the hiking shop and got her fitted with her own little pair of hideous boots. I have failed with that kid Kate I don't know how but she is the biggest tom boy imaginable. She loved the boots so much so that she wouldn't take them off. Here I was thinking about the joys of bringing up a girl, you know teaching her about elegance, the pleasure of shoes that kind of thing and I get a tom boy. The universe slapping me in the face for gender stereotyping I suspect.
Anyway off the four of us went. Oh and Eden the ever mad spaniel. It is a day the universe does not dare to spoil. Every year we have had the most beautiful weather. Flora reminded me of you skipping and laughing her way up until about half way when the legs started tiring and she ended up on Laurence's shoulders then William's shoulders until we got to the top. Once there I left them to eat the soup and sandwiches we carried while I went off and read our poems. They are still as moving for me as they were on that day five years ago. Did we write well or what my love. Straight from our hearts.
Our princess (as Alan calls her) started school in September. Can you believe that Kate. I can't. She is one smart cookie just like both her mums. She is reading already and loves it. I now have to be read to at bedtime though I have persuaded her to take turn and turn about. There are only so many times I can hear 'A Minute's Peace' (about an elephant in case you didn't know) which is the current favourite. She is a delight you know once we got through The Colic (Laurence still talks about that period) the terrible twos and the thunderous threes.
School has been a lovely experience for her. I sent her to the little primary school just down the road. It has a nice feel about it and I had heard really good reports about the Head. She is good though I get a sense that I frighten her when I go to talk about Kate. I don't know why. I think I've mellowed being a mum again. I will see about Sulgrave nearer the time. I want the fit to be right for her. It turns out she is quite the miss popular in her class even if she is a clever clogs.
Now I have some sad news for you my love. We lost your mum in the autumn. Your mum hadn't been well for some time. Perhaps you already know this. Perhaps the two of you have joined forces to keep an eye on us here. Who knows. For the last five years I have been convinced death is not the end. Your presence is too clear for death to be the end. I guess others think I am as mad as a hatter though for thinking that but I don't care.
I was glad that Flora and I had been out to visit her in the summer. Yes I have managed to conquer my fear of flying. The boys plan to get us all to Australia next year. 24 hours. Might be a few hours too far but we will see. We had a great three weeks with your mum. She and Flora bonded and her loss has saddened us all.
I guess I had better bring you up to speed with the rest of the clan. William is still ploughing through his PhD. One year to go. He is talking about being an academic and I think it would suit him down to the ground. He remains the gentle soul he has always been. I often think I would have given up over these past years without his calming influence. Funny he has more of you in him than his waste of space father and you aren't blood related. How can that be I wonder. He has a new girlfriend Emma and you know Kate I think she could be the one. She is a scientist which of course I approve of and is about to finish her PhD.
Laurence has surprised us all with his acting talent. He did finish his degree at Leeds and then got head hunted or whatever it is in acting. He has lived in Manchester since the summer and is one the stars of some tv show aimed at adolescents that I couldn't watch in a million years. I can't even remember what it is called. It's hilarious going out with him. Everyone keeps stopping him for photos. You know those ones people take on their phones grinning inanely. I must say though he is remarkably patient with the attention and he daren't get too big headed because he has lots of family to pull him back down to earth.
Gillian is a grandma again. She still gets herself into scrapes and I am usually called to bail her out but I have to admit Robbie seems to have been good for her and they are still together. She and I have tea in Hebden Bridge once a fortnight. It's good for me to get out. Between Flora and school I don't have much time. I am also having to spend more time ferrying Mum and Alan to doctors' appointments. I don't mind. They are happy in the flat and I don't want them in a home. It is nice to have a bit of company next door. Since the boys left Flora and I rattle around in this big old house. I could downsize I guess but I can't bear the thought of moving. There are too many memories tied up in these walls.
Flora is growing more like you every year my darling. It's the eyes and that smile I think as well as the spirit that shines through in everything she does. I know you can't be very far away when I look at her. I love her you know very much. Sometimes I feel I have to love her for both of us.
The family will be here soon. Everyone has been here for a break and they all met up with the Halifax crew today over at the farm. Flora wanted to see the sheep. Dinner is back here and I am supposed to be cooking so I had better go. So Kate my dearest until we are together again I remain your
Caroline xx
Flora rocked herself in the chair taking in the words her mother had written. She remembered the first time she had been taken up Stoodley Pike even though she hadn't understood the significance until later. They had gone up most years since except for a few occasions when the weather had been too bad. Even when Caroline had not been able to her brothers had insisted the kids went up often joined by other members of the clan. She couldn't wait to take little Katie up.
The door burst open and her young daughter raced in noisily ready to start her day. Those peaceful morning hours had ended and Flora quietly put the past aside to focus on the present. She would return to her mother's letters soon enough.