Chapter five

One of the advantages of being off work for a while was that Flora had time to indulge in one of her favourite pastimes, cooking. She was a natural cook not bothering much with recipes but always managing to turn out something delicious. She had spent the afternoon making a chicken pie that was a favourite with everyone in the family. She had done it as a special treat as this was to be her last day off. Tomorrow she was to return to the rough and tumble of surgery at the Royal Infirmary.

The door banged and in came her niece Annie, William's oldest girl. Jo was studying at Leeds and it had been agreed that Annie would babysit for Katie when her mums were both working the same shift in return for board and lodging. Annie loved Katie and the feeling was mutual so all were happy with the arrangement.

Getting Annie to set the table Flora decided to snatch fifteen minutes with her mother's letters while the pie cooked. Once in the bedroom she rescued the book from its resting place, took it over to the rocking chair and began to read.

July 2023

My dearest Kate

Yes I know it's unusual for me to write at this time of year but I have something I want to run by you. It's been over eight years since we lost you. How would you feel if I met someone. Oh I might as well spit it out. I have met someone who I think could be special and I want to tell you about her so that we can both be comfortable with it.

It's been a long time since I have really enjoyed the company of another woman. There's Gillian of course but she is my friend not my companion I know she will shag just about anyone (being with Robbie has curbed this but you never know with that woman) but there are places not even she would dream of going. I hope. Sorry I am being bit flippant. It's the nerves acting out. Big breath.

I met Joanne at a conference two months ago. She is a Head over in Oldham, a very good Head in a rough school by all accounts. Anyway we were sitting next to each other for two days and got talking. She has a science background like me and we found we had a few things in common.

I like her Kate. She is quick and witty in a dry humour kind of way. Very no nonsense in her approach but at the same time not unkind. We have met up a few times in Hebden Bridge which is fast becoming one of my favourite spots. I wish we'd been there together. You would have loved it. Sorry I digress. She has also been over to ours a couple of times. Flora seems to like her, at least hasn't taken a set against her. She has even survived the Halifax lot. She got the measure of Gillian very quickly. The look on Gillian's face after one exchange was priceless.

I have been on my own for a long time now my Kate. I don't know that I want to go into old age on my own. I accepted long ago that you were the great love of my life and there was not going to be anyone who could fill the gap. There is only one soul that is eternally joined to mine, I know that but surely though there is a place at a certain age for a sound relationship built on a solid foundation of mutual respect and friendship. I think I could have that with Joanne. I know it won't be the grand passion, that was you, but we could be good for each other. I lost my lightness of being the day you died. A little glimmer has returned since I met Joanne. It could also be good for Flora too though I hold to my promise to you the day you died that she would come first in my considerations. It will need to work for our daughter too.

I don't know if things will go anywhere but I do want to try and I guess in a roundabout way I am asking for your blessing wherever you are. Your star, the star that was shining bright on that day you left us is shining bright tonight. Perhaps that is the sign.

Whatever this new step may bring know with certainty Kate my dearest that until we are together again I do and will always remain your

Caroline xx

Flora reflected on her mother's words. Was there only ever one great love in one's life, one person whose soul was joined to your own. She thought of her partner Erin and how she might cope without her. She wondered if the universe could bring along someone who compared. The love they shared was very strong and they were very happy together, but this bond her two mothers shared felt to Flora like no other she had known. She had never seen them together and only heard stories from William and Gillian who both spoke of the depth, yet she had been somehow aware of it all her life. It had given her a sense of security that remained to this day.

Turning the page she began to read the next letter.

January 2025

My dearest Kate

A decade has gone by Kate. Ten whole years. Ten years without you, ten years of bringing Flora up on my own, ten years of her not knowing her mother, of you not knowing your child. Ten whole years. If you are getting a sense that l'm a bit cross you'd be right. I am cross. Life isn't fair. Why you why us.

What about all this mindfulness I've been doing for years I hear you ask. Well it's very hard to be mindful with a house full of noise. I'll tell you about that later. What's set me off though is it looks like we won't be able to go up The Pike tomorrow. We've been up every year Kate and tomorrow is such an important milestone. It can't be the first year we miss. It just can't be. Bloody British weather. It's all this climate change you know. Things are all over the place.

Yes yes I can hear you… breathe Caroline breathe. Ok I'll move on.

The house full first. The boys always come back at this time for The Pike walk. This year though we have rent a crowd for Flora's tenth birthday. The boys have both brought their partners and Laurence has added a couple of extras from his actor mates. We are having a big party on the day and the Halifax hordes are coming over for it. We all felt we needed a bit of lightness together. The last twelve months have been rough.

We lost Mum and Alan within a month of each other in August and September. Alan went first. His heart finally gave out. He had been poorly for a bit and just didn't pick up. He died in St Mary's ironically. Mum just couldn't cope without him and died peacefully in her sleep a month later so it was all a bit much for Gillian and me. I miss them both. They had lived with us in the little flat all this time. Oh I know my mother could be a real pain in the backside and I never fully forgave her for not coming to our wedding but she was my mum. I didn't like her very much at times but I did love her. She mellowed in the last few years and clearly loved Flora to bits. They both spoilt that child at every opportunity. Mum wasn't averse to trying to undermining my authority either but luckily Flora isn't an easy child to manipulate even by a doting grandmother.

Gillian was a right mess when Alan died. I am glad she has Robbie to lean on though she was over here leaning on me a fair bit. Between you and me Kate my shoulders are not as broad as people think. She is better than she was and is full into party mode. She really can be manic sometimes. I feel though with her Flora and the boys all grieving I haven't been able to. I suspect that's part of the reason I am cross right now. I don't think I was ever allowed to grieve properly for you all those years ago.

Flora took it pretty hard too. She has grown up with them and misses them badly. I often found her in there playing scrabble like her mum used to. I am hoping she will bounce back a bit quicker than us oldies.

I was grateful that mum and Alan were here for William's wedding to Emma. It turns out she was the one and they seem very happy together. We had the wedding here in Harrogate and Flora was a very delightful bridesmaid. We actually got her into a dress for the whole day without too much moaning. The wedding was the last time we were all together and I am grateful it was such a happy day. It has been a beacon of light in a dark year.

In October Joanne and I broke up. We never got to the stage of living together. Neither of us wanted to move which in hindsight was very sensible. I think we both knew it wasn't going to last the distance. When it came to it Kate I had to be honest with her. I had to tell her my soul was spoken for. I did no do love her but deep friendship wasn't enough for her. She wanted her spirit to belong with someone and I couldn't give her that. You have my spirit in this life and the next ad infinitum. You are my lives partner my love. Nothing I can or want to do about that.

Don't be sad about the breakup will you. I am not. I have a very rich full life and quite a strong circle of friends now thanks to you. You taught me I can do relationships whatever shape they take. Then there is this chaotic extended family of ours. That takes any spare energy. I don't feel lonely and in the moments when I do I can still feel your presence. Not that I say that to anyone but you. I have a persona to keep you know. The sane grown up one. They think my mindfulness is nutty enough.

On to some happier stuff. Our Flora is top of her class. I know you would be very proud. The teachers think she is destined for big things. Takes after both her mums. Brilliant at science stuff, maths and music, very good at English but hasn't really taken to languages yet. Seems to have been influenced by Laurence telling her she doesn't need a foreign language as everyone speaks English. He can be an arrogant twerp even now. Don't worry I am working on it though I could do with your help!

She is turning into quite a beauty as she loses that little girl look. Still the Tom boy though. She thinks shoe shopping is worse than the dentist (heavy sigh). I am NOT looking forward to puberty and William has already stated what he will do to any boy who comes sniffing around. I did ask what he will do if it's a girl. He's gone away to think about that. She remains a very popular young lady despite being called a nerd by her brother. Sometimes I can't keep up with her social calendar and she's not quite ten. We did have an unfortunate incident just before her grandparents died where a new kid in the school started on her about her heritage and me being her mum. I left the school to deal with the child which they did quickly and quietly. It did spark a few family discussions with her on what she might deal with as she gets older. Really Kate I would have hoped in this day and age we would be past such prejudices but I guess its steps forward and then backwards.

After talking it over with Flora and the boys we, well Flora really, decided that she go to Sulgrave next September. I am going to retire in the summer so she won't have to put up with being teased about Dragon lady being her mum. Oh didn't I mention that before. Yes me retiring. Don't worry I am not going to atrophy. I've got a few thoughts on how I am going to keep my brain ticking over. I am looking forward to it. A new chapter in my life.

I sometimes wonder what kept me going after you went my love. One of us had to stay for Flora I guess. It should have been you though. You wanted to be a mother so much. I tell the kids to cherish those they love every day because life can be so transient and uncertain.

Now I am getting maudlin Kate my dearest so I will sign off. Until we are together again I do and will always remain your

Caroline x

Postscript

Did you have a word with someone Kate? By some miracle the weather improved so much we were able to go up The Pike. The usual crowd (me and our kids) and several members of rent a crowd came with us this year. Even Gillian, Raff and young Calamity turned up. They all had the good sense to let me go off on my own to read our poems. When I got back Gillian had lugged up wine and we toasted you our mums and Alan. It felt nice acknowledging all of you.

The party yesterday was also a huge success. The Halifax lot brought a karaoke machine and we had a ball. Even I got up and sang Dusty. I can belt out a tune and in tune if I do say so myself. It was a late night and rent a crowd are still in bed so it's just me and a cuppa while I finish this note. Xxx

Flora smiled at the photos her mum had attached to the page. One showed her in all the finery of the bridesmaids dress. She remembered it had taken three shopping trips to get a pair of shoes they both agreed on. The second was a picture of all of them rugged up at the top of Stoodley Pike doing one of Laurence's silly group poses. The annual walk was such a big part of all their lives. The last was her mother singing karaoke. In the last part of her life she could often be heard singing along to old pop songs blaring out on the sound system. Not long after her grandparents had died Flora had come in to find her mother crying to one of them. Her mother had brushed it off and William had told Flora the story of her mothers at her grandparents wedding.

The smell of cooking penetrated Flora's thoughts. Shutting the book and carefully tucking it back in the drawer she brought herself back to the present and went downstairs to feed her family.