Chapter 7

Flora couldn't wait to dip into her mother's letters again. While her mother Kate had been spoken about all her life, to read the enduring love story of her parents through these letters was a joy beyond compare. Words didn't do justice to how she felt, as she read about her growing up being threaded through the love of one mother for the other. She had been unable to explain to Erin or her brothers, the effect it had on her. One day she would let them read the letters, but for now they were her very special gift. She settled into the old rocking chair and began to read.

January 2033

My dearest Kate

Another big year passes without you here and I wonder yet again about the meaning of life, the universe, everything. Is it just a series of random acts and one of those took you away from us far far far too bloody soon? Or is there a hand guiding what happens to us all? If that's the case I'll be having more than a few words when my time comes, that's for sure. Bloody screwed up guide, that's all I can say. They must have lost the master plan that day eighteen years ago. It shouldn't have been you, not then, not that way.

Yes my darling it's been eighteen years. Our girl became an adult yesterday, and what a fine young woman she is too. Now as you well know there were a few moments along the road when we could have all cheerfully given her way. Then suddenly when she hit seventeen, the obnoxious mouthy brat we had all endured started to disappear and this beautiful intelligent funny warm young woman emerged from hiding.

As Flora has been growing up I have been giving a lot of thought to that old nature versus nurture argument. Are we a result of our genes or is it our upbringing? On reflection I think it's both. Flora is so like you in her looks and her mannerisms that it takes my breath away. Her smile brings me up short and has brought tears to my eyes because it transports me back to you. She's musical and very good at piano and organ which she loves. She was a natural with her French which was fortunate as she was also bone idle when it came to practice. My influence comes into play when I look at Flora's academic interests. She is a scientist through and through, and I am so proud of that. One of the offspring had to follow me, and the other two are lost to the arts. She has decided to become….. wait for it….. a doctor. Yes that's right a doctor. Well not a real doctor but one of the medical kind. Fancy that eh. She says it's because of what happened to you. She wants to prevent other families going through such pain and loss. Will be very useful having a doctor in the family as we get older. Gillian needs her own now, the number of times she manages to get herself hurt on that farm. The latest is stitches in her leg from an unfortunate encounter with a haybailer.

Anyway after blitzing every chemistry, physics and biology exam she has ever taken, Flora will be off to Manchester in the autumn. I thought she might go to London and stay with her big brother in his fancy big house in Twickenham (top TV stars get paid squillions it seems), but no she wants to stay in the North near her dear old Ma. Manchester has a great medical school and she will be able to come home regularly, so I am happy.

We gave our girl a big coming of age party. The house was packed. Everyone was there. Brothers, partners, children, the whole Halifax gang, school friends, lots of school friends. Notice I don't mention anyone special for Flora. There doesn't seem to be anyone yet. I have an inkling Kate that she bats for our team. There was a girl who came round a lot for a while but then the visits stopped. Flora was quite upset, but didn't talk about it. I haven't asked her anything either. I figure she will tell me when ready. She shares willingly with me since she turned into a decent human being, but I give her room to talk when she wants. I don't know how I will feel about her being gay Kate, if I am being honest. I am proud of being a lesbian. I regularly speak about it in the media, as it is often a central theme in my plays (more of them later). I think writers have a responsibility to mainstream and normalise our lives as much as possible in drama, not kill us off in weird sub plots. I don't care who knows about me so speak up whenever I can. Yes I know, it took me forty six years to even open the closet door and now I'm way out and waving. I was a slow learner and bringing me out into the light is one of the many things I have to thank you for my love.

Oops I digress as usual when I start thinking of us. Back to Flora. What I will worry about is what she will face in the wide world. We may be in Yorkshire (as you once forcefully observed while I struggled to find the closet door) but homophobia is still all around us you know. Often covered over but still out there. She is a strong resilient young woman though and she will always have her loving family on her side whatever path she chooses in life. I have been able to give her that for you my dearest Kate. She missed out on you and that should never have been, but she has been surrounded by a loving family.

I got the birthday bash catered by a new business that's just started up in Harrogate. Good old fashioned English food. It went down well judging by the amount everyone ate. Laurence arranged band so the dancing (if that's what these young ones do) went on half the night. I was waiting for the neighbours to complain but no one did. They all love Flora round here and a few dropped in for a drink. It was quite a night. You would have loved it my dearest one. We could have danced all night. Yes even at our age.

You do realise I am now sixty five don't you, and before the laughter starts just remember it was your sixtieth birthday too. I've got your rocking chair right here next to mine! I wonder what you would have been like Kate. Would you have let your hair go grey? I can't see you bothering with hair dye and grey would have made you look so distinguished. I bet you would have had lots of smile lines but few age wrinkles. Of course to me you would have always remained very very pretty.

I guess I'd better bring you up to speed with the family happenings. We are grandmothers several times over now. Oh by the way do you want to be called Grandma or Nana or something else? Let me know what you think. I am called Gran. I am not a fan but it made me feel a bit younger in the role than the alternatives. It is a role you know and I love it. I get to be 'good cop' all the time, can play fairy godmother to my heart's content and best of all can hand them back after a few hours. I think I play the role very well.

To give you a quick headcount. You know about William's two. Annie started school in September and is a lovely child. She and I have lots of fun together. James has entered the terrible twos which is a sight to behold. He can silence a room with one scream. I keep reminding William it will pass. Flora had a good set of lungs at that age. I remember her silencing a restaurant once when she didn't get her way and being so mortified as I took her out. People thought I was abusing her. The new addition to the family is Laurence's little boy David, born six months ago. He hasn't been an easy baby due to the colic. Took me back to Flora's colic… the time from hell. William thinks it's poetic justice given what a prat Laurence was during that time.

William is still an academic at Oxford and loving it. His big news is his success as an author. Last year his début crime book was the top seller in the UK. He is becoming as famous as his little brother but unlike Laurence, is very uncomfortable about it all. Laurence is now star of stage and TV screen. Who would have thought it. He played King Lear in the West End at the end of the year to rave reviews. It certainly pays well. His house is very swanky. Makes our Harrogate house look a little tired. I don't know how I will manage in this big old house on my own when Flora goes, but I can't bear the thought of selling it. Too many memories stored away in these old bricks.

Gillian feels the same about the farm. She just can't give it up. Robbie is retired now so helps out and Raff who has done very well for himself (something in IT) pays for a farm worker, but she still insists on being out with her sheep most days. Gary tried to help at one stage and I heard the row from here. He hasn't tried again.

I haven't told you about my growing fame have I. My science radio shows are still going strong and I love them. Talking science with like minds is bliss. However they aren't what is bringing me fame and fortune (well not fortune). It's my plays. After the success of my radio plays I've been commissioned to write the school stories as a six part series on the Beeb. You realise that the plays are largely autobiographical don't you. Our courtship will be immortalised on TV. The Headmistress seducing the gorgeous languages teacher, or was it the other way round. I hope you don't mind. It is a beautiful love story you know. We were so hopelessly in love weren't we my love. How else did you put up with my massive insecurities. I know we had a couple of hiccups along the way but the true connection could not be denied in the end.

Despite my advanced years I still made it up The Pike this year. Rent a crowd came with me, no doubt to make sure I got there and back in one piece. I don't know why they were worried. The weather has been very mild and I am quite fit even though I say so myself. Gillian joined me and we proudly formed the OAP back of the pack duo, dawdling up nattering over old times all the way. By the time we got to the top the rest of the family had a lovely picnic set out for us. The day has such a rhythm to it after all these years. When I first walked it, I was in such deep deep mourning that I thought I would never recover. I thought climbing Stoodley Pike would bring me closer to you. Do you remember me telling you about it? The family were waiting for me at the top that first time. It was a wonderful way of remembering you. Now it is a joyous experience, a celebration of life, of your life, of Flora's life, of all our lives. This year each of us who knew you shared a story for Flora. I believe the absence of you has weighed heavily on our daughter as she has grown up my love. We have done our best all of us because of the love we feel for her, but just as there will always be a part of me that is missing, so there is for her.

Laurence told of the time he thought we were doing it on the floor when you were in anaphylactic shock. Do you remember? I knew my kisses had an effect but that was a bit over the top. William told of the day he realised we loved each other because of the way we looked at each other. Must admit I had a tear in my eye when I looked at Flora and saw your beautiful brown eyes looking back. I told two stories. The first was of our joyful anticipation at Flora's birth, our hopes and dreams for her, and how proud you would have been of her. I told her I believed you looked down on us every day and how some little part of you was always present with us. I do really believe that my love. The second tale was of the joy I felt the day you came back to me, the day you walked back into my mother's wedding party and asked me to dance. Roberta Flack was playing. Do you remember? Even to this day I still can't listen to that song. I seem to remember not a lot of dancing that night but a great deal of kissing. I made Laurence blush when I recounted that part of the story. Mmmm what a night. For ever wasn't a mighty long time in this life though was it my darling.

Until we are together again in the next life my dear sweet soul mate, I do and will always remain your

Caroline xx

Her mother's letters were now bringing Flora's own memories flooding back. Her mum had been so proud when she had decided to be a doctor. She had grown up knowing what had happened to her mother Kate and it had been a deciding factor in a decision she had never regretted. Someone very wise had once told her that way leads onto way and it had. The decision to be a doctor had lead to her life changing in so many ways.

Flora thought back to her eighteenth party. It had been a huge night, one she would never forget. Surrounded by the love of her family she had felt very blessed that night. Growing up without her mother had been a weight in her heart from an early age, one she had thought she kept well hidden from her mum, just as she thought she had hidden her heartache at the breakup of her first romance. As she was finding out though, her mother's intuition was unerring. The letters were revealing how much her mother instinctively knew about those around her. Flora felt hugely privileged to have been brought up and loved by this extraordinary woman.

She tucked the book away in its drawer until the next time. As she got ready for hers shift she was aware of a tiny ray of light breaking through the grey that had surrounded her since her mother's death. Helped by her mother's gift, the first little step in healing had been taken.