Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII or anything in it.
A/N: Sorry, I know it's been awhile for this update but this chapter is a monster (10K). But what could I do, can't cut 'till the lemon. And I'm rushing, sorry there's probably more errors now. I need to finish this thing up before Nov 1 because I'm not writing any fanfic in November.
Cloud flipped the keycard between his fingers as he walked down the hallway. Thirty-fourth floor of the ShinRa Tower, and the card keyed for the General's quarters that had allowed him to control the elevator up to this level. Cloud smiled. It was nice up here. Even the hallway was posh. And Sephiroth was going to be soooo surprised to see him, even if it was five in the morning. He was two days early, after all. Colonel Kuhn had dismissed him a tad early from his Location Month in Corel and he had just managed to jump on a transport home. And he thought of Midgar as home, now. After graduation when all the cadets were given their assignments he would be assigned to Midgar. He'd be given third class quarters, but he expected to spend most of his time up here.
Cloud paused in front of the door, savoring the anticipation. It had been a pretty hard, austere month in Corel and Cloud was looking forward to Sephiroth's attentions, to lie in his arms for a few hours, maybe lounge around in that tub later. But what he missed most was probably the man's voice. And someone to talk to, someone he could talk to easily instead of clamming up like he normally did. As he was still trying to survive his cadet training without special favors he had only talked to Sephiroth on his allowed phone time of twice a week. During those phone conversations he yammered away about everything he was doing. The General didn't say much about his days, he was mostly working, much of which Cloud didn't have the rank to hear about. Sometimes he had talked about Zack, but the young First Class was spending more time with Aerith and Seph had said outright that he was lonely.
Cloud smiled as he slid the card into the reader. He'd take care of that in a hurry. He stepped in and dropped his bag near the door, and was about to remove his boots, but something was wrong. The smell, specifically. As his mako level came up his sense of smell had sharpened, and there was something definitely out of place here. Some new and offensive chemical was present.
"Seph?" he called out. Surely the General already heard him open the door, and either assumed it was him or was preparing an attack.
"Cloud- you're early!" The joyous note in his voice made Cloud smile. But the sounds coming from the back of the apartment were also confusing. Who was he talking to back there? It wasn't nice whatever it was, some grousing, and he heard a distinctive 'out!' at least once.
Cloud took a few steps forward, his boots for the first time printing the ivory carpet, until he could see the bedroom door. It opened and two rather harassed looking females came out. Very exotic, artificially enhanced, barely dressed females.
"I'm sure you're quite capable of calling your own cab. Out." Dressed in his maroon silk robe Sephiroth was physically shooing them down the hall.
The lead girl tottered on her four inch spike heels and rolled her eyes at her friend.
"He's a good lay, but what a bastard," she hissed. The other nodded her head in agreement.
"Oh, hi sweetie!" one crooned, finally noticing Cloud who was standing in the living room with his mouth hanging open. She reached a red enameled clawed hand to touch his face and Sephiroth knocked it away.
"Out," he repeated, holding the front door open.
The girls left in a huff and Sephiroth sighed, then reached out with his own hand to touch Cloud, only to have it knocked away as well. His eyebrows shot up in surprise.
"Wha.. wha.." Cloud stammered, motioning to the door through which the offensive owners of the chemical odor had disappeared. A bright angry flush rose to his cheeks as his nose picked up another scent, the smell of sex, Sephiroth's semen at least, and something else pungent that he supposed was from the women. He'd never been with a woman and had no desire to, but the mixed smell was all over Sephiroth.
"Cloud, what's wrong?" Sephiroth asked.
Cloud stared at him. This was Seph's idea of lonely? As soon as Cloud was gone for a few weeks a couple of floozies so easily filled the vacuum? Obviously the General didn't care at all who shared his bed. Was their time together of so little importance? Maybe just… convenient for the man?
"I can't stay here," Cloud said flatly and picked up his bag.
"Cloud-." Sephiroth touched his shoulder and Cloud whirled and flung Sephiroth's arm away from him.
"Don't touch me!" he bellowed. "Don't talk to me! Don't call me, don't come see me, unless you mean to order me to fuck you!"
"Gaia, Cloud, no!" Sephiroth backed up at the blonde's sudden fury, a mildly horrified look on his face. "Cloud, I don't understand this."
"Figure it out yourself," Cloud said bitterly, flung the front door open and took off at a dead sprint towards the stairs. Sephiroth considered following, he should be able to catch him (although he had no idea Cloud was that fast) but he guessed it would do him no good. Cloud was obviously in no mood to talk to him. He went back into his apartment and picked up his phone.
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"So what in the name of ShinRa is so important that I have to be here at six am?"
Zack's sleepy frame fell into his desk chair. It was his office but his commander was already in it, ensconced in the guest chair, arms crossed over his chest looking sullen.
"Cloud and I had a fight."
"Oh. Your first fight, congratulations. How cute."
"This isn't funny Zack. He is really angry."
Zack sighed. "What'd ya do?"
"Why do you assume it was me?"
"I know you. He's back, then?"
"Yes, came back early, about an hour ago. You know I went to that party of Rufus' last night?"
"Yeah, the annual executive debauch?"
Sephiroth nodded.
"You didn't fuck that Turk you take after every year, did you? That redhead?"
Sephiroth scowled. That annual drunken tumble always resembled something of a fight. It was a good thing he'd given it up before he wound up killing the man.
"No. Cloud had expressed some jealousy before so I figured out I should not do that."
"Good," Zack said.
"But he seemed upset over the party favors I brought home."
Zack blinked a few times. Maybe he was still asleep. "Wait, backup. Party favors? You mean HoneyBee girls?"
Sephiroth nodded. "They're paid through the night. I always take two home."
"And…Cloud saw you with them?"
"There were still there when he came in. I had them leave right away."
Sephiroth was expecting another "good" comment from Zack, but what he got instead was Zack working his jaws much the way Cloud had earlier with no sound coming out.
"Why did you do that? Take them home, I mean," Zack finally said. "You knew Cloud was jealous."
"They're girls." Sephiroth said simply, frowning.
Zack let his forehead hit his desk and stayed there for several seconds. Good grief, he hadn't spent much time examining Sephiroth's sexual attitudes. Maybe he should have.
"Seph, you don't get one of each, or some of each, you get one."
Sephiroth shook his head, looking honestly perplexed. "How can he be jealous over girls?"
"You had sex with them!"
"But they didn't mean anything to me!"
"Well, you used the same…parts with them that you do with him! It's the same thing."
"My body? This is about my body? What is that to me? Had I any attachment to my body I would have never survived my youth! This hand-" Sephiroth stood up holding out his right hand, now extremely agitated, "This same hand that I have strangled men with and cut men to pieces I use to caress him, you would say that is the same thing because it is the same part of my body? I love Cloud. The thing I give him is in my heart and my mind and that I share with no one! What right does he have to be jealous?!?"
Zack shook his head. Sometimes Sephiroth's odd point of view was hard to argue with. He was sure there was something wrong in Sephiroth's logic, at least as far as human beings worked, but he'd have to give it some thought to root it out of there.
"OK, calm down, please," Zack said. "You just have to trust me here, the only important point is that Cloud views this the same way I do. You were unfaithful. You betrayed him."
Sephiroth sat back into the chair, a painful understanding coming across his face. Betrayal was something he understood. He understood the unforgivability of it.
"Seph, sometimes this can't be fixed."
The green eyes shot up in alarm.
"Zack, this has to be fixable. Tell me you can fix this."
Zack shook his head. He wasn't sure Cloud should forgive him. He knew how sensitive Cloud's nature was; this was probably devastating the poor kid. Sephiroth with all his odd problems was maybe more than Cloud should be expected to handle. He watched Sephiroth's face, enough pain there that in any other man he'd expect to see a glisten in his eyes. But not this one. Never a tear did he shed. Zack knew why, after so much field work with him, some in the dry dusty desert, he knew why. And as he watched the strange feline eyes they did the thing that always made him flinch a little even when he was prepared. The milky white inner eyelid swept from the inside corners out. Then they did it again. Zack had never seen it occur with that kind of frequency. He thought it must be his version of weeping.
Gaia, what did they do you? Zack's chest squeezed painfully. Cloud had been the first thing in Sephiroth's life that seemed to really make him happy. To soften him in any way.
"I'll try to talk to him."
Sephiroth's gaze shot up hopefully.
"But you have to promise to be patient. This could take awhile to even know if he can recover or not. And for now stay away from him."
Sephiroth nodded, relieved to be receiving some direction.
"And try not to think about him too much right now. Try to work. Go find something to kill, that always keeps you busy."
Zack looked at Sephiroth's face for a long moment, a little uneasy to be the one giving orders. A little uneasy that his commanders visage had gone blank.
"Thank-you, Zack," Sephiroth said, and strode out of his office.
Zack blew out a breath he'd apparently been holding and then headed over to cadet barracks.
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The second year cadet barracks was deserted; the place even smelled stale for not having been occupied for almost a month. All the second years were still out on their Location Month assignments. All except one. Zack carefully approached the lone cadet near the left side of the room.
"Cloud?" he said gently. The form didn't stir. Zack stepped gingerly around the bunk and sat down next to the boy. Cloud's hands were buried in his face.
"C'mon, Cloud, look at me."
Cloud brought his head up, wiping wetness down his face as he did so, his blue baby shiners red with irritation. Zack felt a squeezing behind his own eyes in response.
"How could he do this?" Cloud said.
His voice was hoarse, probably from sobbing, and Zack was pretty sure that that this was the wrong time to try to defend Sephiroth's actions in any way.
"I don't know," Zack said.
He reached cautiously around Cloud's head and shoulders and pulled him close. Cloud allowed the contact and pressed his face into Zack's chest, making no sound or movement, his hands fisted and pulling hard at the back of Zack's shirt. Zack felt the warm tears wet his shirt and looked around the empty barracks. The bunks next to Cloud would belong to his friends, Anthony and Thom. There were a few other cadets that Cloud was friendly with. But none of them were here now. And Cloud had nothing to do for the next two days. Zack thought that he better find some work for the kid.
"Hey Cloud, there's no sense staying here by yourself. Why don't you crash with me for a few days. You have all your stuff ready?"
Cloud sniffed and nodded. "I wasn't expecting to be sleeping here."
"OK, grab your bag, c'mon. You can get settled in, take a shower, nap maybe, if you can, I know that can be hard right now..."
"Thanks," Cloud said, looking up and smiling weakly. It sounded like Zack understood pretty well how he felt.
"Then I'm going to put you to work. Can't have you lazing around, you know, this is the Soldier program after all."
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Zack's apartment was nothing like Sephiroth's. It was in the West residential building, which lacked any sort of style on its own. Zack's quarters were haphazardly decorated, if one could call a few posters and a beer sign decorating. The carpet was a well worn shag of orange and green. The furniture likewise looked quite lived in.
"You wouldn't know by the look of it, but that couch is stupid comfortable," Zack said. "Sometimes I don't even make it to the bed."
He noticed Cloud eyeing the carpet.
"I know. Hideous, isn't it? On of these centuries ShinRa is going to get around to updating these units. Thankfully I won't be here to see it. This is still my Second Class lodgings. First Class is over in the East building, it's less convenient, or you can get a stipend towards a place in town. I haven't decided what I want to do yet.
Cloud nodded rather absently. He tended to forget Zack had only been First Class for a few months, so easily did he take to the job and so ubiquitous was he at the General's side. The thought of Sephiroth mad his stomach hurt.
"OK, I'm going to run back to the office, take care of some things and get your schedule arranged. I'll be back in two, maybe three hours. Make yourself at home, I sure you can find everything, it's all pretty, uh, standard."
Zack looked around, seeming suddenly uncomfortable. Cloud got the impression he didn't have many house guests.
"Its fine, Zack, really. Thanks."
"OK, great. You have my PHS number, call if you need anything, and if you can't sleep, I recommend the movie channel. Shameless, gripping, take-your-mind-off-yourself violence and drama twenty-four-seven.
Cloud nodded. Zack did know how this felt.
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"Did you talk to him?"
Zack jumped at the sound of Sephiroth's voice. Even with his enhanced hearing he sometimes still didn't hear the General sneaking around.
"No. I held him. He cried on me. He is really un-ready to talk about you, at least in any positive way. I've put him up in my apartment and am getting some assignments ready for him until the rest of his cadet group comes back."
"I want to see him."
"Absolutely not! You agreed to be patient, remember?"
Sephiroth nodded.
"Why aren't you out killing stuff?" Zack demanded.
"I'm heading out now. There's a nice big nest of Zolom on the eastern border of the city that needs clearing out. Is that acceptable to you?"
Zack shut his eyes. Patience, patience, they all needed patience right now and he shouldn't be the first one to be running short on it.
"I'm sorry, sir. But I am going to ask one more thing of you, and only because I care about you. I expect you're distracted right now. Please don't go alone."
Sephiroth considered. He didn't like it but Zack was right, his game would certainly be off. And he did have a candidate for First Class that needed observing.
"I'll bring Cho."
Zack nodded approvingly. Cho was a sharp, focused fighter, with the kind of dedicated attachment to the General befitting a First Class. He'd look after Sephiroth.
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"I don't want to hear it Zack."
Cloud dropped the bar into the catch and rolled out from under it. Zack came around from the end, wondering why he even bothered spotting for the kid, there didn't seem to be any weight Cloud wasn't stubborn enough to push through, even at his max. And speaking of stubborn, Zack had been trying carefully to broach the subject of Sephiroth all week with zero luck. They returned the heavy iron disks to their pegs and moved over to the dumbbell area. Zack shooed a Third Class over so they might have two benches next to each other. Cloud selected a pair of 40 pounders; he was going up one notch today from his normal thirty-fives on this one. For Soldier he was still picking out of the shallow end, but closer to the middle now. Zack was way down at the deep end selecting his weights. Cloud sighed; he'd probably never catch up to Zack even if he made First Class. Zack was just big; he carried more muscle than he needed even given his enormously heavy weapon choice because he just enjoyed having all that mass. And he loved the gym, an affinity of which Cloud previously had no understanding. But since the Soldier base in Corel where he had done his Location Month had almost nothing to do during time-off, he himself had taken up quite a gym habit and now found it relaxing. Especially now in his constant state of upset.
Both men sat at the ends of their benches and leaned forward with a dumbbell on each side of their feet on the floor. Cloud reached down and hoisted his, but Zack waited.
"I'm just saying it might not hurt to hear him out," Zack said, "Oh, up a little, keep your torso at forty-five degrees."
Cloud corrected, and Zack frowned, wondering if Cloud had messed up his form just to distract him off the topic. He waited for Cloud to finish his set.
"Stop, Zack. I mean it. I can't think about him without remembering scenes that used to make me feel good but now hurt like hell. I can't look at him without that smell invading my nose all over again, that smell of him and those two whores wafting off of him. Do you know what that's like?"
Zack imagined going down to Aerith's church and seeing some other sexual partner leave, smelling her fluids and the other man's both on her. He shuddered and picked up his weights to drive the image and the imaginary smell out of his mind.
"I'm sorry," Zack said when he finished his set. "I just hate seeing you unhappy. And he's driving me insane, all of us really."
"Why don't you tell him to go pick up a couple of girls then!" Cloud said hotly, "I know what you'd say Zack, if I gave you the chance. That it's not his fault that he's odd, that he does things. That he feels differently about things. Well I need somebody who feels the same way that I do. Our time together was important to me. Our sexual," Cloud hissed in a whisper, "time was important to me. In way that it's clearly not for him. He was my first." Tears sprang unbidden to Cloud's eyes. "I had been hoping he would be my last." Cloud stood up to leave.
Zack grabbed a handful of the back of Cloud's shirt, stopping his progress. "OK, I quit, promise. Finish your reps." Cloud sat back down and the two continued their routine in silence.
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The nights were the hardest, when Cloud lay in his bunk with nothing to distract himself. And he always lay awake for at least an hour. It didn't seem that it was possible to make himself tired enough during the day to avoid this particular hour of hell. His mind replayed for him unbidden every intimate word and gesture from Sephiroth. All the times he felt loved, now felt false and humiliating. He listened to the other cadets near him, snoring softly. Thom and Anthony, one enduring injections the other a sexual act for which he had not taste and now injections since he had started shining- they both seemed lucky to him now. He wished he would have never known the General, it would have been far better. Whoever said that 'better to have loved and lost' thing was an idiot.
Then, just as he would start to drift off to sleep, his mind would play the meanest trick of all. It would imagine in a very convincing sense that everything was alright, that he was in Sephiroth's arms once more, that they talked and laughed and exchanged secret earnest glances across the room, and he would wake up wildly happy before his conscious mind brutally reasserted the truth over his more fanciful sleeping self. These things would never happen again. Maybe Sephiroth had loved him, in his own strange definition of love, but it was not a love Cloud was going to be able to survive. So every night he polished and honed his resolve to throw himself into his studies, he forced himself to review the day's material in his head, until gradually the concentration of facts and figures and tactics filled every corner of his mind and squeezed out his self pity, and he slept.
Days went by for Cloud in this fatigued haze. For an entire week they reviewed for their final book exams, a process that took a week in itself. After book exams was one last hurdle, a week's worth of field tests known as Final Camp. It was also a chance to get to work with the First Class Soldiers, since they traditionally ran the camp without any Second or Third Classes to buffer between them and the cadets. It was the only time in the year to see such a high concentration of First Classes; they would come from all over for this event. The end of the camp marked graduation for the survivors. Most cadets who made it that far did pass, that was about twenty out of the original forty that Cloud started with two years ago. Every few years a cadet was dismissed or held back during the testing period, normally for disciplinary issues. But the cadet who scored the highest over all the testing got to actually choose where he was assigned after graduation. Cloud had found himself the front runner for this contest at some point during the book exam week. He really wanted, needed that award. He needed to be able to choose anyplace but Midgar. He thought maybe Corel or Rocket Town. He would miss Zack, but maybe he could visit his mother more. He was attracted to Wutai because it sounded exciting, but rejected that option because Sephiroth was at the Wutai base quite often.
Zack had not given up in his obvious desire to bring him and Sephiroth back together, although his efforts had been more subdued as of late. Cloud was unsure whether this was in deference to his exams or Zack was slowly letting the matter go. Or maybe it was Cloud's defensive tactic of getting up and walking away every time Zack tried something.
"Hey, you know what I heard? The General actually goes to Final Camp with us!"
Cloud looked over at the group off to the side of where he, Anthony, and Thom were walking. He had been hearing this all day; the whole group was fretfully excited over the idea of the top commander being at the camp. Twice he had found himself caught up in their excitement, his heart giving a little jump at the thought of the great General, war hero, legend, before he reminded himself that this was the same man he was trying to avoid. At these times he found it felt rather surreal to think of himself having been with Sephiroth in any personal way. He supposed he was gaining some distance.
Anthony and Thom both looked at him apologetically. Cloud shrugged. It wasn't their fault after all. And he appreciated them, but there wasn't much they could do for him. Like the people around a new amputee, they tried to be friendly, cheerful; hoping that if they didn't look at the ugly stump everything would be normal. And Cloud supposed it would, eventually, but the Hell Hour every night argued otherwise.
They were heading back to the showers after the endurance test. It had been a grueling two hours and Cloud had won another top mark. He was in good shape after a very physical month in Corel, and even though his mako level had been sagging he was still near the top of the class. He wasn't stabilized yet, so until that happened he would continue to sag. In another few weeks he would have to start on injections.
"You two go on without me," Cloud said to his friends. "I need to do some stuff."
"You're not going to run after that, are you?" Anthony asked.
Cloud grimaced. He knew it sounded crazy, but he hadn't quite reached that level of exhaustion he knew he needed. "Just like a little... cool down thing. You know, my fucking head full of broken glass and razor blades."
The other two boys nodded and went on, shaking their heads as they walked.
"Cadet Strife, may I see you?"
Cloud shut his eyes. That wasn't a request. He straightened himself up to a respectful posture and turned, keeping his face neutral and eyes lowered to about the General's chest. All the other cadets must have cleared the area; they were alone in the big training hall.
"Cloud, will you look at me?" Sephiroth asked.
Cloud did so, and was dismayed at the amount of disruption in his body at the sight of those green eyes. Gaia, what a traitor his body was. His heart leapt excitedly in what Cloud couldn't be sure wasn't joy, his knees felt suddenly absent, and even his sex, which hadn't so much as sported a morning wood in the last two weeks moved slightly. Cloud forced his will to be master of his body, forced himself to hold Sephiroth's eyes. Oddly enough Peterson's rules of troop placement in combat started rolling in his head. All that late night ruminating seemed to be good for something.
"Cloud I'd like a chance to explain myself to you."
"Of course sir. If you're ordering me to stay and listen."
Sephiroth was taken aback by the cold formality of Cloud's tone. Two weeks ago he had seen an intensity of anger he hadn't known Cloud was capable of. Sephiroth felt lost, confused, and wondered if he knew the young man in front of him at all.
"I only offer to explain if you listen of free will, cadet."
"In that case, sir, I request to be left alone. Am I dismissed?"
Sephiroth pushed back a bright seed of anger. He was sure Zack would say this was the wrong time for anger. This would be the time for... disclosure? Opening of the heart? Sephiroth made a guess.
"Cloud, I love you."
"Well I don't. Love you." Cloud's eyes burned a fire fierce and cold at the same time, a hint of green tainting the blue. "I never did. Just some... adolescent obsession. It's time I did my last bit of growing up."
Cloud held the General's eyes, which were now more hostile and terrifying than he had ever seen them. But he held them. He had to. His whole sanity depended on it, and if he couldn't get Sephiroth to leave now he was going to crumble and fall into his arms and beg to be loved again. And the whole thing would start all over, culminating into this same, horrific pain. He would repeat the mistakes of his mother, constantly going back to the unfaithful man who eventually left her. Left them both. He needed to end this right here so he could maybe get on with some semblance of a life. It was all he had wanted, really, to be Soldier. He hadn't come looking for all of this.
Then quite suddenly he was seeing Sephiroth's back, that familiar sight of his swinging hair retreating away from him, only this time he wasn't following. He let Sephiroth walk out the door, and for a long minute his stood stone still in place. Then he dropped to his knees and laid his head in his hands on the floor, and wept one last time.
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Camp was less uncomfortable than Cloud had anticipated. They had decent sized tents, each with three or four cots in them. Cloud, Anthony, and Thom managed to get a tent together. The camp itself was a large expanse of field just outside of the Midgar boundary, just on the other side of the wall from Blue Street, a famous block of bars, strip clubs of all kinds, and brothels. Most of the cadets couldn't quit talking about what ways they might slip their superiors and get over that wall for a night. Of course this was no easy consideration, given all of their superiors were First Class. All but two First Classes were present, Wutai needed a strong First Class Colonel at all times, and a situation in Rocket Town had demanded another stay there. A First Class none of them knew, a guy named Malik from Mideel, was in specifically charge of grading them for the entire week.
And of course the General was there. Cloud was grateful to find Sephiroth avoiding him, although he felt oddly lonely every time the General turned away when Cloud was in the vicinity. But he dismissed these feelings as best he could. This was what he had wanted, and it had worked perfectly. Even during an activity appropriately named 'Cadet Toss', where the cadets demonstrated their rolling and landing skills after being tossed twenty feet through the air by various Soldiers, Sephiroth had traded himself out with Colonel McIntyre when Cloud's turn came up in his line.
"Sorry, kid," Gavin said, expecting the typical cadet disappointment for missing out on getting to do something with Sephiroth. "Looks like it's just me."
"I'm happy with you, sir," Cloud said, hardly believing what came out of his mouth. Was he just relieved to have avoidied being thrown, handled by Sephiroth? Or was he flirting?
Gavin smiled, those dimples coming out on his cheeks. "Well at least it's good practice," he said, "In case you get thrown out of a truck."
Cloud actually laughed a little, the colonel had remembered him from that trip on Ambush Day. Gavin grabbed onto Cloud's collar and the back of his belt and threw him. There was no way for cadets to land the thing on their feet, the throws were too shallow. The goal was to roll then regain their feet as soon as possible. They were scored on the time it took between when some part of their body hit the ground and when the cadet was upright. A visit to the materia healing table at the end of field counted against them. It was entirely up to an injured cadet if he wanted to get healed or not, but they had to take take ten tosses. Cloud rolled and was up almost immediately, now smiling a little. Cloud watched another cadet roll to his left, also righting himself quickly and smiling. But the smile faded to a determined line when he saw Cloud. Jens. Jens was his closest competition for that first place spot, and apparently a good roller. Cloud pursed his lips as well on his way back for another toss.
After the Toss they had lunch, and Cloud walked alone moodily to the mess. Jens had scored higher than him on the Toss and now they were tied. They had already done sword and navigation, Clouds top two subjects. He didn't see how he was going to win this thing and get his choice of where to relocate. Not if he couldn't get some sleep, his restless nights were taking their toll and he had been feeling run down.
"Cloud Strife, right?"
Cloud looked behind him as Gavin McIntyre caught up to him with long legged strides. The colonel frowned at him.
"Why the long face, your performance was stellar on the Toss."
"Not good enough, sir," Cloud said. "All my best subjects are finished. I won't be able to hold on to the top spot the rest of the week."
"Well there's no shame in second." Gavin had slung an arm around him and Cloud was conscious of its heat and weight. It felt... nice.
"I need that top spot. I want to be able to control where I'm assigned."
"And where do you want to go," Gavin asked, and amused light in his eyes.
"Anywhere but here," Cloud said.
"You don't like Midgar?"
Cloud shook his head.
"What do you think about Junon?"
Cloud looked up sharply. Thom had spent his Location Month in Junon and raved about it. Especially the Soldiers there, very friendly and easy going, like their commander.
"Junon sounds great. I haven't been there."
"Your Thom's friend, right?"
Cloud nodded.
"I'm going to request he be assigned with me there. I could request you as well. From what I've seen you'd be a fine addition to our unit."
"Really? You can do that?" Cloud's face brightened, and he saw Gavin's do the same. He wasn't insensitive to the nature of the colonel's attentions; the man seemed to be on the lookout for a friend but he didn't seem particularly focused, or the pushy type for that matter. And the idea of Junon was a good one. Thom would be there, and the command was so well run Sephiroth rarely visited.
"I've never been refused a request yet," Gavin said, "But don't tell Thom, nothing is settled until it's settled."
Cloud smiled at him. This might actually work, Gavin was one of the General's favorites, and he had to assign Cloud somewhere. By his recent behavior it didn't seem likely Sephiroth wanted him in Midgar. At the moment Cloud was worried he'd get assigned the Northern Crater.
"Thanks, thank-you, sir!" Cloud said, smiling. He saluted the colonel and trotted over to the cadet table.
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"Just wait here for a bit. And don't let them see you."
"Let who see me? Zack!"
But Zack was already moving away from Cloud, and only turned the put his fingers to his lips in a silencing gesture. Cloud waited. The young Soldier had hijacked him right after his shower and now for some unknown reason he found himself crouching in some bushes. Shortly voices came towards him, two First Classes. Cloud froze, they passed by without seeing him, but they didn't go very far.
"Hey Zack!" Cloud recognized the voice belonging to Griegos. "You going to light the fire? We've got enough cadet gathered wood to keep us all night."
Cloud heard some noises, then there was a sizeable campfire lit.
"Nice to have wood gathering minions," said the other voice that sounded like Cho. "Hey, Malik, pull up a log."
More Soldiers arrived, until the area around the fire was full of them.
Only too late Cloud realized what Zack had done. He had hid him in the underbrush very close to a First Classes gathering. He couldn't leave now; if he so much as twitched they'd hear him and assume he was eavesdropping on them. Which he was, whether he wanted to or not.
He cursed Zack in his mind, not even daring to whisper his profanities under his breath. Neither did he dare look; someone would catch the glimmer of his shiners through the brush. So he kept them shut and listened. He listened to them discuss the days work. He could identify every First Class by voice by now, and was surprised to hear some of what he would consider the nicer ones having a good laugh over cadet pains. Even Zack off and on. Although he did have to admit that thing with Jeremy and the fire materia was pretty damn funny. He supposed anything could funny once you got passed it. He occasionally heard Sephiroth's low, smooth voice, and it gave him goose bumps to hear it in the dark with his eyes closed. But unlike the others his voice held no mirth or humor.
"C'mon, Seph, lighten up. This is our night, First Class bonding and all that," Gavin McIntyre's voice said, and Cloud heard the sloshing of liquid. Cloud realized they were drinking. Some of them probably started before they arrived, probably accounting for some the joviality and loosened tongues.
Sephiroth accepted the flask from Gavin and took a swallow of the fiery liquid. He hadn't brought a flask of his own; he was worried about having to handle alcohol and being around Cloud both. But he did need to lighten up. This was their night. The whole week was important to the First Class group, to spend time with each other and with their General. To take that fearful edge off, to keep them open with him. Familiar. Comfortable. Critical when they needed to be. But tonight was particularly invaluable. Tonight they were allowed to tease him, ask him anything, even play that damn game...
"I wanna play Stump the General!" said Marcus, a seasoned First Class veteran currently assigned to Wutai.
Zack grinned. It was only a matter of time before somebody suggested that.
"No." Sephiroth really was in no mood for this tonight. Actually he never was in the mood for this game.
"C'mon, General, it's a tradition. You promised we always could. Once a year." Marcus was not going to let this go.
Sephiroth sighed unhappily. He couldn't remember how this thing got started. His platoon had been doing it in the war as a means to entertain themselves. They would ask the oddball silver haired new guy basic social questions to which he tried to construct a logical answer. Apparently his answers were hilarious. Sephiroth had allowed the game to continue because it taught him many things, and had been told it worked both ways. His First Classes claimed they could learn more about him in five minutes of this activity than a year working with him. But it was always, always painful for him.
"Go ahead," he said.
"OK, I have one," Marcus said, "It's been worrying me for a while. Imagine you have a bunch of guys stranded for a few weeks, say from storm in the northern crater. And some of them, um, eat their fallen comrades to survive. What do you write in the letter to the families of the deceased?"
Sephiroth thought for a minute. He knew there was some trick here, or Marcus wouldn't have asked the question. It seemed obvious to him, letters to the family of the fallen were best if they were straight forward and he'd been writing them for years. But from the look on the faces around him there was something particularly "sensitive" about this situation.
"I tell the family what how honorable they were even after death that their bodies were used to save their comrades," Sephiroth said, using the "euphemistically sensitive" language he had learned over the years. Surely this would be close to the mark. But Marcus just stared at him.
"You'd tell them, parents and whatnot, that their son was eaten?"
"Of course."
There was a universal groaning around the circle. Sephiroth looked around him at the combination of cringing and laughing. Apparently his answer was not close.
"ShinRa will have your head!" Gavin howled. "You can't tell people that."
"Why not?"
There was more howling.
"You just can't," Marcus said, "If you guys ever have to eat my dead body, and please, feel free if you need to."
Several of the men made a mock retching noise
"But I beg you General, please, do not write my mother and tell her I've been eaten. Say something about how the remains were identified but not suitable for funeral."
Sephiroth scowled. "I'm supposed to lie? What's wrong with being eaten?"
More howling. Less grimacing this time.
"It's just not accepted. I can't explain it," Marcus said, "You write these letters all the time, how do you manage?"
"I have several stock letters I work from. Anything new I run past Zack."
"Thank-you, Zack."
Zack stood up and took a bow to some sporadic clapping.
"I got one," Griegos said. "You meet the girl of your dreams. Or boy, whichever your fancy is rolling lately, and you go to meet her mother. The mother comes out with this Gongagan cabbage dish-."
"Hey!" Zack interrupted.
"I hate cabbage" Sephiroth said.
"I know you do, but she serves this thing, and says 'this is my grandmother's recipe' or some such shit. What do you do?"
"I say I do not like cabbage," Sephiroth said, still thinking of his distaste for the stuff.
The group laughed, good naturedly this time. Sympathetic, Sephiroth decided. This was one they also could fall prey to.
"The guy who is not bothered thinking about eating a dead body would risk his relationship rather than choke down a little cabbage?"
"It's important?"
"Oh yeah," several answered.
Zack smiled. Now was a good time.
"OK, my turn," Zack said. "Let's say you've found this love of your life, a young man. Can you, some night, bring two women home to your bed?"
"Argh, I know this one," Sephiroth growled. "The answer is no."
"Oh, I don't know. Some guys are OK with that," Marcus said.
"Hah, see Zack, this one's not that easy!" Sephiroth said, jabbing a finger in Zack's direction.
Zack smiled and waited. Nathan, sitting on the ground so he could lean against Marcus' legs, gave Marcus a look that could peel paint.
"I mean, if you had an agreement or something. Not that we'd ever have an agreement like that, of course." Marcus leaned down and kissed the man on the ground in front of him. Sephiroth looked away out of envy. Those two had been together for years, since the war.
"No agreement," Zack said, "Just a total 'I love you' thing."
"Well then, no," Marcus said. Other Soldiers nodded, thinking this was probably the right answer, even if they didn't keep men themselves.
Wallace, thinking of his own young Trent back in a cadet tent, studied the General. He seemed peculiarly affected by this question. And the man had been unusually good humored for several months, until a couple of weeks ago when he had turned as mean as a chocobo in heat.
"You didn't do this, did you General?" Wallace asked.
Zack, who had taken up a position standing behind Sephiroth nudged him in the back with his knee. When this produced no response Zack leaned down to the General's ear.
"You should talk to them, Seph. These are the guys who love you."
Sephiroth shut his eyes. "I did." he said.
There were several cringing "ooohs" and one low whistle.
"And your young man, he caught you?" Wallace asked.
"He came in shortly afterwards. Not that it would have mattered; not understanding it was a transgression I would have told him. Or rather, had I known it was a transgression it would not have occurred in the first place." Sephiroth said bitterly.
"So I gather this didn't go over well," Wallace said.
"No."
"Is this why you've been busting our balls the last two weeks?" Niven said. "You've been insufferable, and I've been taking it out on cadets. Sorry sir, but I'd like to suggest that next time you keep it in your pants."
"It's not-." Sephiroth said sharply, then calmed himself as Zack gave him another jab in the back with his knee, "It's not a matter of control. I can do without for long periods and have done so. It was merely a habit. Rufus throws a party once a year, and when I leave he always says 'General, why don't you take a couple HoneyBees with you' and I do."
"And this didn't strike you as cheating?" Nathan said, leaning a little harder into Marcus who stroked his cheek.
"No. Because they were female and he was not. Because I did not love them as I did him. Because nothing about it felt the same to me."
"You love this young man, then?" Nathan asked
"I did, do, more than anything in the world."
"And you can't reconcile?"
"He is lost to me." Sephiroth hung his head so that his long silver fell to the earth in front of him.
"Seph I'm sorry," Gavin said. Apologies were murmured all around.
"Go to bed, all of you. Or reconvene at some other location; I don't want to hear anyone for the rest of tonight."
There was a smattering of moaning complaints, but the group dispersed, some chancing a touch to Sephiroth's shoulder before going. Eventually only he and Zack remained.
"Was it really necessary to put me through that?" Sephiroth asked.
"I think so, though as always I am sorry to see you suffer."
"I guess I should expect to suffer. It's what I was born into."
"I don't think you should be giving up on Cloud," Zack said, "He'll come around."
"No, Zack. I appreciate everything you've done for me. Everything you've tried to do for me. But he doesn't love me."
"Seph that's not true."
Sephiroth smiled, but it was a sad and bitter smile. "He told me so. Do you think Cloud is prone to telling lies?"
Zack paused, but there was no way around this one. Cloud was about the most straightforward and honest guy he knew.
"No," he said, shaking his head sadly. "I'm sorry."
"It's alright. Of all the things I do well, I think surviving pain is my forte. But this awful sadness at having lost the thing I treasure most, that's never going to heal up, is it?"
"Not properly," Zack said.
"That's what I thought. Good night, Zack."
"'night, Seph."
The General turned and walked away, erect and proud as ever, the bright sheen of his silver hair disappearing into the shadows like a ghost. Zack sank down onto one of the logs and put his face in his hands.
Cloud watched from his place in the brush, watched Zack's inert form and wondered if the Soldier was weeping. And suddenly he realized he himself was crying when the wetness of his tears touched his neck. Every hint of anger had left him; even the most painful scenes of his nighttime hell were free of hurt and resentment, replaced with only a sadness that blanketed him like a wet snow. Sadness for Sephiroth, for Zack, and for himself. Sadness for what he had lost. He believed now entirely what Zack had been trying to tell him, that Sephiroth's transgression was in a way accidental, spawned from lack of experience and connection with his own human kind. Cloud on the other hand had inflicted his wound willfully, knowing completely what damage it would cause. Because he had been afraid of further pain. Because he had been a coward.
Cloud stepped forward into the fire circle.
"Zack?"
Zack looked up, pressing his eyes before he did so, and Cloud was unable to tell that the shining violets had been filled with tears.
"Hey kid," Zack tried for brightness, but it came out false and brittle. "I'm sorry for dragging you out here; I guess I misunderstood. I really thought you still had feelings for him."
"I lied," Cloud said. "I lied when I told him I didn't love him."
"Oh, Cloud. Gaia, you shouldn't have done that."
"I know. Which tent is his?"
Zack frowned at Cloud. "I'm not sure I want to tell you if you're just going to go aggravate him."
Cloud shook his head. "I know there's no chance he would take me back. I know he doesn't forgive lies. I just want to tell him the truth, that's all, and then I'll leave. I think he deserves to know the truth."
"Shit yeah he does," Zack said. "It's the big one, on the end."
Cloud picked his way carefully past the rows of First Class tents. He knew they would hear him regardless, and hopefully they would assume it was more of their kind still turning in. He stopped at the entrance to Sephiroth's tent.
"Seph?" he asked quietly. Silence greeted him, although he was sure Sephiroth heard him. "Can I come in?"
More silence. As it spun out he considered that he might just have to leave, go back to his bunk.
"Come in, Cloud."
Cloud stepped gingerly though the heavy canvas flap. The tent was plenty tall for him to stand up in, and had not only a cot but a table and chairs, and two battery operated lanterns bathed the place in a delicate glow. He wondered if this was what Sephiroth's tent looked like during the war, making plans and holding council with his officers around that tiny table. It was certainly more extravagant than the last tent they had shared. Tent, lightweight pack, nylon, two-man. Two affectionate men. A fresh wave of sorrow assaulted him at the thought that they would never share that again.
Cloud forced his eyes to settle on Sephiroth's. They were as cold and blank as the last time he had seen him, when Cloud had spurned him to make him go away, and he had. For good. Remorse bubbled up from somewhere in the pit of his stomach and threatened to drown him.
"I'm so sorry," he managed to say, his voice thin and cracking. "I'm sorry. I lied to you. I always loved you. I love you still." He had to stop and blink back tears, swallow and clench the muscles in his face to keep from breaking down entirely. And he had to lower his eyes from those cold, green orbs.
"I just thought you should know." Cloud turned to leave.
"Cloud?"
Cloud stopped, standing still to listen. Whatever the General had to say to him he would just have to stay put and take it.
"Come here."
Cloud turned slowly, frightened, nauseous, and when he saw Sephiroth's hand stretched out, he was heartbreakingly hopeful. For a moment he couldn't move and his face twitched in confused directions. Sephiroth took a step forward and Cloud fell into his arms, finally sobbing big, wet tears that dropped into the General's hair. He was being held, comforted, his tears were being wiped away and small kisses lighted on his head. All the warmth and happiness he had been craving were right here in Sephiroth's arms. They had been here all along.
"I'm sorry, I don't know why I did it," Cloud said between sobs, "I was just hurting so much, but I still wanted you, wanted everything to go back to the way it was, wanted everything to be real when I was sure it wasn't. I needed you to go away, so I said it."
"It was all real, Cloud, every bit of it."
"I know that now. I'm sorry I hurt you." He looked up finally into Sephiroth's eyes.
"I didn't actually buy the never loved me part." Sephiroth said. "But it was clear you meant to be rid of me and that did hurt. Because it seemed I wasn't suitable, or deserving, to have something like this. Because it was my own actions that made you push me away." He paused to put both hands on Cloud's face. "I promise you, I will never, ever do that again. But Cloud, I'll do something else. Sure as shit, I'll do some thing that I don't even know-."
"I know," Cloud interrupted him. "I know, and I promise you I'll make it through the next one, whatever it is. That's really the last little bit of growing up that I needed to do; to know I have the strength to make you that promise."
Sephiroth sighed and pulled Cloud in so tight that for a moment Cloud thought he might bruise a rib. But it didn't matter. He couldn't remember ever feeling happier. He thought back to the First Classes and their Stump the General game. He laughed a little.
"Maybe I should make you a list. Stuff Sephiroth should not do," Cloud said.
"That would be extremely helpful."
Cloud looked up at Sephiroth. The man was serious. Well, he thought, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. A very Zack-like solution in fact. And maybe a good mind-broadening exercise for him, to think of all the things Sephiroth might be confused about. He would have to put things on there like, who knows, 'no sex with animals'.
They smiled at one another and their lips met lightly, tentatively caressing as if they were bruised. But soon passion slipped into their kiss and their mouths opened and were pressed firmly together, and tongues became reacquainted as both moaned softly.
"Will you..." Cloud was surprised to have the words catch in his throat. As if he'd never done this before, never asked anything sexual of Sephiroth before. "Will you?" Was the best he could get out. "I want to feel that I'm yours."
Sephiroth smiled, gazing into Clouds blue eyes. His beautiful blue eyes, it had been so long since he'd seen them full of warmth, rather than cold or even greened up and angry.
"You'd be hard pressed to talk me out of it now." Sephiroth pulled Cloud towards his cot. "Not exactly a proper bed," he said.
Cloud laughed. "I could be happy my whole life with you in a two-man tent."
Sephiroth smiled, remembering that amazing night. He stroked Cloud's cheek. "And I'm sorry now that I didn't pack any lube."
Cloud got a thoughtful expression on his face, then pulled out of Sephiroth's arms. "Will you wait?"
Sephiroth nodded and Cloud ducked out of the tent. He wondered where the kid was going. If Cloud pulled some lube out of his gear he worried was going to become suddenly and dangerously angry. But Cloud returned not with a bottle but a ziploc bag. The bag had something mildly greenish in it.
"What is it?"
"Olive oil?" Cloud said, not questioning it's identity but rather whether it would be suitable or not.
"Did you just raid the mess?"
Cloud nodded.
"Bad cadet," Sephiroth said, but accepted the baggie and set it carefully so it would stand upright on the trunk by his cot. He wrapped his arms around Cloud and kissed him again, thinking the boy was a bit taller than he'd last held him. Well it had been six, no almost seven weeks. He pulled Cloud's shirt over his head and was greeted with another surprise. Cloud had filled out quite a bit. No longer were his muscles hinting under the skin, they stood out starkly, the indentations sharp between them.
"You've gotten bigger," Sephiroth said as he ran a hand over Cloud's bare shoulder and back around the triceps.
"I'm going to get bigger yet."
"I know. You're going to be Soldier; I need you well muscled." Sephiroth tore his eyes away from Cloud's torso to see him frowning. "What's this for?" he asked, a thumb caressing the downward slant of Cloud's lips.
"Do you... will you still find me attractive? When I'm older, heavier? A muscle bound Soldier?" It hadn't been lost on Cloud that Sephiroth had chosen a very young, smooth, and quite effeminate version of himself. And that he wouldn't look that way forever.
Sephiroth chuckled. "Cloud, I've always thought you were beautiful, but in truth I've been waiting for this." He stroked his palm down Cloud's side, feeling the hard obliques just under the skin until he found their edge where they joined hips. He undid the first two buttons on Cloud's fly so his pants dropped an inch, exposing the ridge farther, his fingers tracing up and down that diagonal indentation on each side that formed an arrow to his groin. Sephiroth's hands rose again, up this time over the latimus dorsai on the sides of Clouds' back, then hooked behind him again to pull him in for another kiss. Cloud slid his hands under Sephiroth's shirt, caressing those same muscle ridges, coaxing Sephiroth to let him pull his shirt off. When he reached for his lover's fly Sephiroth did the same and they pushed and tugged at each other's pants until they dropped to the tent floor. The stood there for a long moment, kissing with their feet wrapped in fabric and their heated bare skin pressed together. They moved their hips side to side, letting erect members rub against one another until Cloud groaned in a desperate and almost painful way. Then Sephiroth took a step towards the cot and almost toppled them both, forgetting his ankles were still tangled in his pants.
"Oops." Sephiroth shook himself free and was happy to see Cloud laugh. He was never, ever clumsy, or forgetful, unless Cloud was in his arms, a fact in which Cloud seemed to take particular glee. He scooped Cloud up and dropped him onto the cot.
"You know how I want you," Sephiroth whispered.
Cloud nodded and stretched, bending his knees up while Sephiroth moved over him. Sephiroth was still admiring Cloud's new body, this time his hands running up and down rounded quadriceps and hamstrings. He kissed the inside of Cloud's thighs, alternating between one and the other, working his way downward until his cheek brushed fine blonde pubic hair on Cloud's testicles.
Cloud moaned and lifted his head at this touch, Gaia, it had been so long since he'd been touched, and he wasn't going to be able to sit still through too much of it. He reached over onto Sephiroth's trunk and grabbed the baggie and handed to Sephiroth.
"Already?" Sephiroth asked. Cloud gulped and nodded.
Sephiroth wasn't about to decline, as much as he was enjoying savoring Cloud. He dribbled some of the oil onto himself and spread it up and down and around his shaft. It proved messy but gloriously slick, and he pressed the tip of his penis to Cloud's entrance. He felt Cloud pucker at first before he remembered to relax, then he slid himself gently in. Cloud clenched again around him.
"Did you forget how to do this?" Sephiroth asked. Cloud laughed a little and Sephiroth could feel the movements from the inside of the cadet's body.
"I think I'm just over excited," Cloud said.
"Hmmmm," Sephiroth covered Cloud's erection with the oil and with one hand gripping the edge of the cot took to stroking Cloud himself. He wanted to do part. He moved his head and dipped his shoulders until long silver strands fell in front of him unto Cloud's torso, knowing that Cloud loved this. Cloud put both his hands on Sephiroth's broad shoulders as he began to pant rapidly, and tilted his head up again so he might watch just as he released and caught his own fluid under the chin.
Sephiroth smiled and grabbed a handkerchief from the top of his trunk and wiped the spot clear. He gave one or two more gentle thrusts, watching Cloud enter his sleepy phase. He really should finish, but...
"What's wrong?" Cloud asked, a hint of worry in his voice. Sephiroth had never had... trouble coming with him before.
Sephiroth shook his head slowly. "I'm afraid that if I finish you'll disappear, like a dream."
"I'm not going anywhere, Seph, I promise. I promise." He caressed Sephiroth's face with both his hands. Imagine that, the only truly fearless creature on the planet was afraid of something. He was afraid of losing Cloud. "C'mon, it's OK."
Sephiroth leaned his face into one then the other of Cloud's palms, then increased his stroke in earnest until his release took over his body, purging two sob like exclamations from his throat. He rested and panted for a minute, enjoying Cloud's sleepy, smiling face below him.
"Are you tired?" Sephiroth asked.
"Yeah. I haven't been sleeping well."
"Me neither. Stay a little while. I'll wake you up and send you back to your bunk before roll call. I don't want to make a spectacle of you in your last few days as a cadet.
He separated from Cloud and rolled him over on top of himself so he could hold him while on his back. For the first time in three weeks both were asleep almost immediately.