Perfectly Free

Chapter 2

by Kate04

Sharon had come home early for once as they had closed their case and finished their paperwork shortly after lunch. Chief Taylor had told them to call it a day and, if possible, take a long weekend. He had been going on about their overtime again and for once she was inclined to take him up on his offer of having Robbery-Homicide cover the next few days for them, unless their presence was absolutely necessary. Three days of peace and quiet sounded like heaven to her at this point. The last few weeks had been hard on her nerves with Andy's injury and his subsequent struggle to recover. When she had gotten the call a few weeks ago, her heart had stopped and she had not been able to breathe freely until she had seen him with his eyes open, grumbling at something Provenza had said to him.

She had spent two nights in an uncomfortable chair in his hospital room, unwilling to leave his side unless work had forced her to. Taking him home with her had been done as much to keep an eye on him as for her own peace of mind. She had not been able to imagine how she would get any sleep, knowing that he was alone in his house halfway across the city.

Sharon had not expected to enjoy having him with her so much. The last time she had let Jack sleep in her bed had been almost a decade ago, and back then she had had a hard time getting any rest with another person next to her. With Andy it had been different. His presence had been reassuring, his warmth comforting and oddly familiar. He had simply blended into her home as if he had always been there. Their evenings together had been exactly what she had always wanted and seldom got; cuddling in front of the television, endless conversations, listening to Rusty talk about his day or simply holding each other, enjoying each other's company.

Rusty's relatively easy acceptance of Andy's presence had surprised her, and she had been so proud when he had just rolled his eyes and told her that she could not very well leave the guy to fend for himself, considering that he could barely lift his coffee cup in the morning. That had been all her boy had had to say about it, even though he had been a little awkward and cautious at first. Once he had realized that very little had changed for him, he had relaxed, including Andy into their interactions as if it was nothing special, as if it did not mean the world to her.

A long time ago, Sharon had come to terms with the fact that she might never find someone she would consider spending the rest of her life with, not after she had given up hope on her marriage. She had dated occasionally, and some of those relationships had lasted a little longer. The idea of living with someone, of considering a future with them, had never entered her mind.

Even when she had realized that she felt more than friendship for Andy, she had not thought that far ahead. That was why she had been so cautious, so reluctant to move forward even after they had started dating officially. She had known pretty quickly that she cared deeply for him, but at what point caring had turned into more, she could not remember. They had put one step in front of the other, carefully exploring their relationship, mindful of all the potential pitfalls on the way, until she had been comfortable enough to let go of "old-fashioned".

The realization that she had fallen in love with him had come the moment he had opened his eyes in his hospital bed and the solid knot of dread in the pit of her stomach had come loose. She had wanted to tell him, but the time had never seemed right, and as they had spent their evenings and nights and weekends together, it had not seemed important. Instead of saying the words, she had shown him how much he meant to her. As she had cared for him, ignoring his foul mood when the pain had been too much, or his frustration at not being able to do something too hard to contain, as they had gotten to know each other better than she had thought possible, Sharon had begun to understand that the idea of forever did not sound so farfetched at all.

When his doctor had declared him fit for limited duty on Friday morning, she had not expected to come home later that day to find Andy busy packing his things. The rational part of her had known that it would happen at some point, but her heart had ached at the thought of seeing him leave. Too many times had she seen the man she loved pack his bag and walk out of the door, leaving her alone and hurting.

Maybe she should have said something. She could have let him know that she would have liked him to stay. Talking had been impossible at the time, however. She had been choked up, painful, old memories paralyzing her. The tears had come once he had been gone. She had not cried long, however, feeling stupid for acting like a pathetic teenager. Instead, she had cleaned the condo, getting more and more agitated by the minute. Rusty had come home, taken one look at her and fled to his room. She had been irritable ever since that night, the smallest things setting her off and it took a great deal of effort for her to not let her state of mind show. Punishing other people for her own moods was not her style, even if it was hard sometimes.

It had been even harder with Andy. He had been all smiles and had attempted several times to ask her out, but she had not felt like it. Even if he had not meant to, he had hurt her and she had not been ready to talk about it. She felt silly for wanting something that was obviously not meant for her and she did not want to admit it to him or anyone else.

What she had not counted on was her son being fed up with her mood. When he came home and found her aggressively scrubbing the kitchen cabinets, he dropped his backpack on one of the barstools and marched up to where she stood on a chair. Reaching up, he tugged on her arm until he could reach the sponge with his other hand and took it away from her. Rusty simply stared at her for a moment, his arms folded across his chest and a brow raised as she tried to intimidate him with a dark glare. Then he turned away and busied himself with preparing two cups of tea, making sure the sponge was out of her reach.

With no other alternative, Sharon climbed off the chair, intending to get back what had been taken from her and resume her therapeutic activity. He sensed her approach, however, and blocked her way, turning around to face her.

"Sharon, could you stop cleaning the perfectly clean kitchen cabinets for a moment? There's something I'd like to talk to you about."

She might have objected to his snarky comment about her unnecessary scrubbing if it had not been for the tone of his voice. Something was troubling her boy and he wanted her help with it. Instantly shedding her annoyance, she placed a gentle hand on his upper arm, giving him a kind smile.

"Of course. Let's sit down."

Rusty finished preparing the tea and carried both mugs to the couch, placing them on the coffee table before he sat down next to her, turning slightly so he faced her.

"What is it, Rusty?" she asked, her voice heavy with concern.

She watched him as he clasped his mug between both hands, staring at the dark liquid, carefully blowing at the steam that rose from it. It was obvious that he was trying to figure out how to start and she let him, taking a sip of her own tea.

"Are you and Andy okay? You haven't spent any time together since he moved back to his own place last week. Did something happen?"

Closing her eyes, Sharon sighed. She should have known that he would notice something. Rusty was far too perceptive for his own good; it was only logical that he would pick up on her mood and figure out the reason for it.

"Rusty, there's nothing for you to worry about. We see each other at work every day. We're fine." She cringed inwardly at the way she sounded, knowing he would never believe her and, judging from the way he rolled his eyes at her, he did not.

"Yeah sure. Is that why you've been in such a cheerful mood lately? And working together is not really the same as spending time together, is it? You guys practically lived together for almost four weeks and suddenly you don't see each other anymore. I thought you liked having him here."

He sounded honestly confused and she could not blame him when she had problems understanding the state of their relationship herself.

"Yes, I liked having him here. In fact, I had started thinking that it might be nice to turn that into a more permanent situation, but Andy decided to leave."

Saying the words out loud hurt even more than thinking them and she had a hard time keeping the tears at bay. She tried to sound as if it did not bother her, but she could not fool him.

"Did you ask him to stay?" He looked at her as if he already knew what she would say and maybe he did as he was ready to interrupt her answer before she could even articulate it properly.

"Rusty –"

"I get it, okay? You've been there before and it never worked out for you. But he's not Jack, you know?"

When had her boy grown up? When had he become so insightful? He had gotten straight to the core of the problem. It was all about her past, about the issues Jack had left her with, and she knew that it was not fair to punish Andy for that. However, letting go of those issues was a lot harder than it sounded.

"I know he's not Jack. It's not that simple. Andy was the one who left. I didn't ask him to go." That was what it came down to. He had left and it simply would not stop hurting.

"How was he supposed to know that you wanted him to stay? Maybe he was waiting for you to ask. Have you thought about that?"

Sharon stared at him for a long moment, her thoughts circling around that night when she had watched Andy pack his bags. She tried to remember anything she might have missed at that time, any hint that he might have given her, but she came up empty. It was quite possible that she had not paid attention to any of that. All she could recall was the endless chant of he's leaving repeating over and over inside her head. It had drowned out any other thought.

She knew that Rusty was probably right, that she had treated Andy unfairly and subsequently put both of them through a lot of unnecessary pain. It was difficult to overcome decades of heartache, however, to put herself out there once again and risk getting her heart shattered one more time.

"You should go to him and talk. What's the worst thing that can happen? He tells you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore? How's that different from what you've got right now? The way I see it you have nothing to lose by trying."

She wanted to hug him. As he so often did, Rusty had not been afraid to say things as they were, opening her eyes to something she had been too scared to see. She needed to talk to Andy. It was something they had promised each other. Both of them had experienced what happened to relationships once one stopped talking to one another and they had vowed not to repeat that mistake. Instead of doing as she had promised, Sharon had tucked tail and run away at the first sign of trouble.

Finishing off the rest of her tea, Sharon gave in to her impulse and drew her son into a tight hug.

"You're absolutely right, Rusty. I've been a coward and I am sorry that you had to put up with my bad mood."

She released him and, grabbing both their mugs, she stood up and carried the dirty dishes into the kitchen, picking up her cell phone, keys and purse on her way back. Letting her hand rest on his shoulder, she returned his relieved smile.

"I'm not sure when I'll be back. Will you be all right?"

Sighing in exasperation, Rusty raised an eyebrow at her. "Seriously, Sharon? How old do you think I am? Don't worry about me, okay? You go and fix things with Flynn. You guys can stop for breakfast on the way over tomorrow. I'd love some of those blueberry waffles."

She could not help but laugh at his mischievous grin, ruffling his hair before she stepped back, ready to leave.

"Good night, Rusty. Don't stay up all night."

Ignoring his mumbled reply, Sharon walked out of the door, feeling happier than she had all week. She was determined to try and mend the rift that had appeared between them, even if it meant setting herself up to get hurt once more.

~TBC~