You stand outside of RESUS. Through the blinds you can see your brother. Your little brother lying on the bed still as anything. Hesitantly, you push open the doors and step inside. You don't move from where you are. All you can do is look. Slowly, you walk over to the bed. Ethan's hand is lying flat on the bed sheet and you linger your hand over his unsure of whether you want to hold it or not. The big brother in you comes through and you hold his hand in yours. It feels so cold to touch. You fall into the chair beside him and grasp his hand against your cheek.
When mum died, you were there for me.
When I stole your money, you were there for me.
When we both failed our exams, you were there for me.
When Taylor lied to me, you were there for me.
But, when you needed me, I wasn't there for you.
You watch him. If it isn't for the deathly silence around you, you could have sworn that he was just sleeping. He looks so peaceful. You take your other hand and stroke his forehead.
"Oh, Ethan" you begin to say, "Why did you have to drive? Couldn't you have let someone else drive instead?"
You know it sounds selfish, but you wish that someone else would have driven. You continue,
" I know I mustn't say that but, honestly Ethan? Couldn't you have let Connie drive? She was the one who insisted she drive, But, of course you being the gentleman had to offer instead."
You pause for a moment still stroking his hair.
"How am I supposed to cope without you, Eth? Eh?How am I supposed to live without you? I mean who's going to be the one to keep me in line so I don't mess up? Who's going to be the one to make sure I stay on track?"
You speak these questions aloud hoping to hear Ethan's voice answer them.
"I know I should have been a better son. I know that. But, I should have been a better brother too. I made a promise with myself that I would always protect you and look how that's turned out. I told myself I can't let anything happen to you. But, I did. I let you down, Eth. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry that I never told you. But, you are my little brother... and I love you."
You get up from where you sit. Leaning over, you gently take hold of your brother into your arms and cradle him against your chest. Laying him back down you place a kiss on his head and walk out of RESUS. You don't want to admit it, but you know that was your goodbye.