You stand on the podium facing all your friends. By their expressions you can tell they too are still trying to cope with the loss of Ethan. You look down. Your eulogy is in front of you. You know you're going to have to do this, but your hands tremble and your breathing is fast. You inhale deeply. You realise it's time to say goodbye. You begin,
"Ethan was a brilliant doctor, a kind man and a supportive brother. He was always there when I needed him. He would always be there to fix my problems. Ethan was just that person that everyone could get along with. He was that person you could always count on to be there. But, apart from being a good man he was also a nerd. I remember so many times when we would be talking about going to see a football match or something he would casually mention this new black and white movie he wanted to watch. He would then proceed to tell me about the whole story plot and who was who. Honestly, I got so bored with his nerdy mind that I wanted to kill myself... figuratively. But, that was Ethan for you. Always a nerd."
Everyone gives a small chuckle. You continue.
"He may have been a little bit nerdy, a little bit weird but, that didn't matter. That's what made him Ethan. I would be more worried if he didn't talk about anything nerdy. Even when we were young he was the same. While I was out partying all night, Ethan would have his head stuck in a book, literally. I remember one morning after I had been out all night I came back and found him slumped down on top of his desk with his face flat out in a book.
I never really thought much about what it would be like having Ethan not beside me, but when I left for med school two years before Ethan I though then it would be hard being parted from him. However, that's nothing to what I feel now. Yes, leaving him behind with what was going on with my parents was heartbreaking, but at least I knew he was just a phone call away. Not only that, but I would see him during holidays, during Christmas. Those days after I left for uni will be something I will always remember. Seeing my brother for the first in 6 months since being at uni brought a smile to my face and every time he wrapped his arms around me it made me feel happy to know he was happy to see me. Now it hurts even more. Knowing he won't be there at Christmas, knowing he won't be a phone call away. I never got to tell him how much he meant to me. We were so close back when we kids, close as any brother should be and I only wish we had the same relationship now as we did back then. You see when we were little our parents would always argue, but growing up with Ethan made it a bit more bearable. I knew I could always depend on Ethan to keep his promises and that's the one thing I regret. I never kept my promises I made him. There's this one promise that I feel guilty about not keeping. It was the day I left for med school. My parents were arguing as usually and in that moment I suddenly knew I could no longer stay. I told my parents there and then that I was leaving and I was never coming back again. I picked my bags and walked away from them and my brother. I sat at the bus stop lost in my own thoughts and I hadn't noticed Ethan had followed me. He sat next to me at the bus stop. And I remember him saying "Will I ever see you again?". I told him I wasn't sure. I said I wasn't sure if I would ever come back home again. He said, "Please, Cal. Don't leave me. All I want is my brother. I want my brother here with me because I love him." I saw tears were flowing down his cheeks. I gently took his face in my hands and swiped the tears away with my thumbs. I then said to him, how was I supposed to stay when dad was never proud of me. Those words Ethan said afterwards broke my heart. He told me, "But I'm proud of you, Cal." It made me sad to know what I was doing. To know that I was leaving my brother behind. But, it was then I made the promise to him. I brought him into a hug and told him as I had enough money to support myself I would come back for him and we could go away together. But, I never did. I never did go back for my brother.
Ethan had his whole life ahead of him. He wanted to settle down with a wife and kids. Now he'll never get the chance to have that. He'll never get the chance to watch his kids grow up. Ethan would have made a great father. And I'll never have him as my best man when I decide to settle down. Because that's what he was, he was my friend, my best man. But, most of all he was my little brother. He'll always be my little brother.
You turn towards the coffin as tears fall down your cheeks.
"Nibbles," You start, "Things may not have been smooth between us. We may have had our disagreements, our fights, words we'd never meant to say to each other but, we're brothers. We'll always be brothers. And I'll always be proud to be your brother. I promise you, you'll never be forgotten because you'll always be here, here in my heart. I love you."
You step down from the podium and sit in the front bench next to Lofty and Max.
"Well done, mate." Max whispers to you.
"Yeah, well done. He'd be proud of you." Lofty says.
You smile at them.
"I hope so." You whisper as the coffin is being carried out of the church.