Hey look, another chapter:D …Actually, I had this chapter written out a week or two ago, I was just having issues on whether or not it was to my liking enough to post it. Damn perfectionism. .

Jewlin-chan: Don't you just hate random cliff-hangers? I sure do. x3

Mix Golden Phoenix: Glad your likin it, even with all the gay parts. xD But I will say, comedy isn't the easiest thing to write, and I've been having a brain aneurism thinking up more oddball situations. O.o

Abbinator: Finally I get to win at something!

-:-Warnings-:- Nobody's playing dress-up, more language, more made up words, cheap excuses for humor and an equally cheap excuse for me to have Seph stab Xemnas again.(lime it up!)

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts and all its lovelies are property of their respective owner…damnit.

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The Un-Operetic, Transgenderized, Soapy, Nurse Digest

Or a better title:

In which some weird developments begin to take place.

----

"Yes, that's right, burn, burn and die you evil little shit."

Xemnas watched, with Dr. Frankenstein-ish fascination, as the corpse of the pest that had assailed him the previous night, went up in flames out in the hallway.

He still wasn't sure what it was precisely, but it could've been anything really, from an oversized hairy cockroach, to a mutated rat that Lucas might've accidentally set free (wink, wink, nudge, nudge. xD). Whatever it was, and he really didn't give a damn what it was, had bitten his leg and toke a chunk with it as it scurried out of the bed and onto the floor into some dark corner.

The silver haired Nobody wouldn't let Sephiroth sleep till he found it and killed it, seeing as he seemed to have better luck at finding rabid creatures without being bitten by them, and had thought the thing was dead after the swordsman skewered it on the end of his sword until it'd attacked him again when he'd gotten up to go to the bathroom. It now had a hole in its head the size of Texas, but that didn't seem to deter it from chasing him around the room.

But it didn't matter anymore, the thing was burning, and some small sadistic part of Xemnas had wished that he hadn't dropped a cannonball on it before he'd burned it. He would've liked to hear its screams of agony as it flailed down the hallway on fire, although, now he had to ask Sephiroth why there was a pile of cannonballs in his room.

After closing and bolting the door behind him, Xemnas trudged back into the bedroom and rolled himself up in the sheets. He'd been a little disappointed to find that his partner had already left when he'd woken up to re-kill the beast, but now that he had the bed all to himself he wasn't feeling too lonely, and better yet, the sheets still smelled like the musk Sephiroth had been wearing the day before. Xemnas liked the musk mind you, not the smell that was attached to the man…right? Right, we'll keep on feeding that delusion until Xemnas decides to join reality again.

"It isn't a delusion! I do like the smell of musk!"

Oh yes, of course, how silly of me, so then we should just ignore the fact that you've been sniffing the sheets for the past 15 minutes and blame it on an over-excited olfactory sense.

"Oh my, ever so sorry, we're you saying something? I had my head wrapped in sheets while you were prattling on about something or other."

….You little shit. Anyway, moving on.

Xemnas was just getting that thought out of his head, cocooned in a knot of sheets, and readily accepting the outstretched arms of the mistress of sleep, when something banging loudly on the door, killing his good mood.

He was thinking about just ignoring whoever it was that had the audacity to wake him this early in the afternoon, when it sounded like the banging was increasing with intensity, as if this person was using a…oh hell.

Scrambling out of bed, Xemnas tore through the living room and threw open the door, twisting to one side as, yes, he was correct, a small battering ram flew into the room along with a tiny squeaking woman.

Great, more freaks. It's too early in the morning for freaks.

Xemnas made a note to buy some Frosted Freaky Flakes so he could start out his day the freaky way, and watched the small woman gather herself up, fix her clothing and shoot Xemnas a disapproving look.

"You know, you're not supposed to do that."

"What? Open the door before you break it down? Silly me, what ever was I thinking."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. You're sarcasm is weak, sir."

The little woman in question, because her identity and description is being called into question because she's still a fuzzy face, wasn't really very much of a woman at all, more like a girl-child-woman if you asked Xemnas. But no one ever asks Xemnas anything. His input is rather trivial anyway.

"Oh right, and your little interjections aren't equally insignificant?"

Xemnas keeps forgetting that the Goddess controls the story and is therefore god of this fic, so if she wanted to turn him into a syphilitic Platypus, she could very well do that with much ease.

Xemnas did lots of sweating, and the story resumed with its promised girl-child-woman description.

She, the little girl-woman thingy, was just the cutest thing you could find around actually. She looked just like an expensive imported baby-doll; all decked out in a lacy dress in hues of purple and black Gothic Lolita darkness that anime and manga just love to throw around. She wore a pair of black knee high lace stockings and Mary Janes, had her blonde hair pulled up in two pigtails of insane curliness and volume, held tightly back from her face by fake rose and skull hair ties, and a pair of tiny bat-like wings stuck out from her back, twitching ever so often as she swayed before him. She had the prettiest little face, with those huge watery-doe anime girl eyes of clear cerulean, a small pouty mouth and lightly rosy cheeks.

Xemnas would've thought she was cute if she'd just sat there and kept her mouth shut.

"So, you're the new kid," she said in a voice much older than her appearance as she eyed the silver haired man looking very unpresentable wearing Sephiroth's sleeping clothes. "The chattering hens at the Guild have been talking about you."

"Saying only good things I hope."

"Yes, because here in Purgatory, we're just full of nice things to say about each other."

"Seems like your sarcasm is as undeveloped as your body."

The child glared at him, but for the most part, didn't do very much in terms of a response aside from pulling out a medium sized box from under the folds of her dress and handing it to Xemnas. He was a little worried about the fact that she'd just brushed off an insult like that, which was never a good sign, because she looked like the kind of woman…girl…that waited until they could get you with a crippling blow. Hey! Just like Zexion!

"What's this?"

"The uniform you'll be wearing while performing this particular public service job." She smiled…evilly.

"….What's in this box?"

"I just told you, your uniform." She smiled evilly…again.

"Your smile is very evil. What's in this box?"

"Down here, everyone has an evil smile. Now hurry up and get dressed, you're going to be late for work!" She said hurriedly, pushing him towards the bedroom, and plopped herself somewhere on the cluttered couch, kicking her legs and waiting for that tell tale scream of-

"Ack!! What the hells is this?!"

Ah, she loved that scream, that scream of complete humiliated revulsion.

"What's the matter? Having problems?"

No more than five nano-milli-deci-seconds later, Xemnas flailed his way around the corner in a uniform you'd only see in cheesy porn flicks.

Just 'cause the Goddess was having a rather stressful time thinking up anything remotely funny, without cliché, she had Xemnas wearing a white nurse's outfit, yes, one of those outfits, the one's with the fitted low cut shirt and short skirts you see unattractive porn stars wearing. But it looked better on Xemnas, because Xemnas isn't a pornstar and he is a man, and men in drag are funny to look at.

"You did this on purpose, didn't you?"

What? The Goddess needed something to cheer her up while she got through midterms, and trust me, this outfit was much better than the one she was originally thinking of.

"I can't possibly imagine it getting any worse."

"Who are you talking to?"

"The Goddess."

"Who?"

"She's the….The one who…Oh never mind, I've more important things to worry about, like beating the living tar out of you for making me wear this!"

"Hey now, it's not my decision what you wear and where you work," the girl put her hands up defensively, cackling madly. "But it's not like it doesn't look bad on you, even if you are half dressed."

"If you're talking about the garters, stockings, Stilettos and lacy underwear, I'm not wearing them."

"You did read the part in the Guild handbook about the-"

"Yes, yes, I know, Failure to wear all articles of a designated uniform will result in immediate disciplinary action, usually something along the lines of tarring and feathering, scalping, or being tied to a bed and spanked continuously(1)"

As Xemnas sulked back into the room and went to defile his great title as the Superior in the name of public service, the girl followed behind him as he was stretching out a white stocking and presented him with a vial of light purple liquid.

"What's this?" It looked sort of like NyQuil.

"It's an Alteration serum. I put a box of the stuff in that box with your uniform as well," she sighed, rolling her eyes a little. "I wasn't supposed to give this to you, but I didn't want to spend the next 3 centuries trying to erase the image of a man in that outfit out of my mind."

Staggering a little as he got to his feet, wondering how in the world women walked in these damn things anyway, he inspected the bottle then eyed the girl suspiciously.

"What will this do to me?"

"Just give you a shape that'll better suit that uniform."

"I'm assuming it'll turn me into a woman then."

"Don't worry, you won't look very much different, you'll just have different plumbing and some strategically placed peaches."

"….I can't pee standing up after I drink this can I."

"You must've been a genius in your past life."

--------------

Truth be told, this outfit could've been a whole lot worse if his measurements had been exaggerated and his cup size had been any larger than a C. He actually had to force himself to stop looking at his body in every reflective surface they passed in the Guild's large foyer.

Xemnas had just enough shape as a woman to make him attractive, but not enough to cause fits of orgasm upon observation, because despite this outfit, this is still a tasteful fic, and we've got Taste Standards set down by the Taste Committee that needed to be followed.

The girl had been right though, aside from his hair being slightly wavier, instead of the crazy jagged bird thing he usually had going on, his face being softer and more rounded about the edges, and his figure being compressed to something more delicate, he really wasn't that much different.

He missed his one-eyed trouser snake though. He'd shed waterfalls of tears when he felt lighter down there.

But it was only a temporary thing. He wouldn't be stuck like this, and if he was, well, he was just going to not think about it and instead take in the scenery as he stood beside a cluster of zombies, waiting for the girl to return with his assignment, said scenery being another building stock full of too much human activity. For a place full of dead people, there was entirely too much movement going on.

The Guild actually reminded him of a stock exchange, what with all this excitement, and unlike the Registrar, there was more of a workplace sort of atmosphere running about in the air. All the Guild's surfaces were coated with red and purple paint and gilded to death with gold leafing, most likely to make this place look more regal than it stood for. If it hadn't been for the significant amount of odd things wandering around him, he would've thought he'd been employed in a 5 star hotel.

"Here, take your key." Xemnas jumped and sent the girl a venomous look for startling him, but otherwise took the old key from the girl and stuck it in his shirt. Yet another thing breasts were useful for; storage.

"You really should announce yourself instead of sneaking up on people like that."

"Oh please, it's not like I can scare you to death," she said flatly. "Now keep that key safe since it's the only way you'll be able to get back into Purgatory, although from the looks of it I don't have to tell you that."

"It's like I've got an extra pocket."

"Glad you're enjoying yourself."

She led him through a high arched open doorway and into an eternal stretch of hallway lined with various floating doors that shifted about around them. As one door flew off a wall to who knew where, another door would fall into its place and a little green light would pop up to its left indicating an open doorway to the world of the living. That's right, the Upstairs crew.

"Alright, you see that door? The white one with the red cross on it? That's the door you'll be using to get to this job. I'm giving you a few more vials of that Alteration serum in case its effects wear out while your working, although I doubt it will, it's supposed to last for 24 hours or so. If you want to get rid of its effects, there's a sheet of instructions on how to do that in your uniform box. I'm also giving you this black book. It'll tell you everything you need to know about the place you're working in. It's basically going to be your Bible. Keep it, worship it, love it."

Xemnas placed the small black leather book in the side pocket of his skirt and the vial in his shirt before glancing queasily at the doorway.

"Don't worry about it," she said calmly. "I'm sure you'll be fine. Even if you are in that revealing outfit, just remember that you're a criminal, not a petite little intern."

"Thanks, that makes me feel so much better."

"Always a pleasure. Just remember that your going up into the world of the living to do your services, so don't do anything stupid like tell people your real name or win money out of people seeing who can kill you."

Xemnas nodded, still staring worriedly at the door, not at all comforted by what sort of insanity was going to eat him once he was through it. If his uniform was a nurse's outfit with its own gratuitous connotations, he could just imagine what sort of place they were going to send him to work in.

"Say, you wouldn't happen to know-" But the little waif had already left as he'd made to turn around to ask her if he should worry about this, decided that maybe his agitation was unnecessary and opened the door and stepped into the light within it.

--------------

Well this just about took the award for strangest work environment ever.

Somewhat Specific Hospital(2) itself, so said the name lettered in gold leaf on the building, was a gorgeous piece of modern architecture, all shiny and metallic and smelling of the year 3999 rounded to the nearest 10th. Her little black book had specifically told her that there was a ludicrous amount of money invested in this place, the staff and its facilities. But the personnel's personalities, well, that was a different story altogether.

Somewhere between picking up a new cart of various brightly colored pills to roll from one side of the hospital to the other just to appear to be working, Xemnas had noticed that there was a suffocating amount of drama coating the already thick layer of melodrama rolling about in this place.

After the Nth billionth attractive patient had been wheeled into a room with injuries so severe that it was impossible for them to still be alive, but they some how were, and had been placed beside another patient of equally impossible proportions, Xemnas was wondering just how much of her job she had to do, seeing as she didn't have very much medical background. She had been a scientist, but that would only get her so far.

"Nurse? Aren't you going to give me my second shot now?"

"Eh? Oh yeah, 'bout that."

Xemnas shook herself out of her momentary daze and jammed the second needle of stuff into her patients arm, ignoring the little yipping noise she made. While she was digging up a band aid, she couldn't help the feeling that she was being monitored, and as she turned around, found the brown haired girl giving him…er…her, the most longingly cheesy look.

Xemnas twitched. "What is it?"

"You look so…."

"I look so?"

"So…"

"So?"

"So…"

"Sooooooo?"

"So…………………….innocent."

And the award for most overly dramatic pause goes to-Oh right, smile and nod Xemnas, smile and nod. Xemnas did just that, as the little black book had told her to do a great deal of while she was here, and received another longing smile.

"I used to be innocent too you know, back in my day."

"Really now, what happened? Lose your virginity?"

A look of brutal and overwhelming shook crossed over her, as if she'd found her sister sleeping with her brother in the back of her Neon.

"Oh…um….I'm sorry, I was just kidding, I didn't mean that you-"

"It wasn't even my choice either! Mother was sick and Dad was still unemployed. I had to pay for the bills somehow! I couldn't offer anyone anything but my body, my naïve, and prepubescent little body, torn asunder by-"

"I'm sorry, this is really fascinating and all, but I've got to check on someone in room 8."

Somewhere in room 8.

"Are you the new nurse?"

"Yes I am sir," Xemnas said as cheerfully as she could, finding that she didn't have to try very hard to look cute. She'd been practicing in the bathroom mirror after she'd been allowed a break, and just for the added appeal, she'd pulled his wavy platinum hair back into pigtails. Hey, if she was going to be dressed like a baby prostitute, why not look the part all over?

"Aw, how cute you look, you know my daughter's in nursing school; she's such a hard worker."

"Is she now?" She distracted herself from the man's rambling by inspecting the legions of wax forming in his ear with an Otoscope. They were having a party in there, mixin Margaritas and doin the Cha Cha Slide.

"My son's also in nursing school."

"Really?"

"Yes, but I hate it that he always wants to wear the women's uniforms, you know, like the one your wearing now. It's so unbecoming of a man."

"…"

"I think he's gay you know, fruitier than a flaming fairy he is. I don't even know how he turned out like that, didn't I raise him well? Where'd I go wrong? Too many Broadway musicals-"

"You know what? I just remembered I left a kid with a brain tumor on the 3rd floor."

Somewhere on a level that wasn't the 3rd floor.

"It says here that you've already been here 4 times this week Mr…eh."

"Buckman, Buckman's my name sweet cheeks."

"Buckman, yes, um, you've already been here 4 times and there seems to be nothing wrong with you."

"I need a physical though, right? I need one of those."

"You've already had 2, Mr. Buckman."

"But last time I didn't have a prostate exam. I'm not getting prostate cancer just 'cause you people don't cover all your bases." The average looking dark haired man hopped off the examination table and sauntered over to his nurse, placing his hands on hershoulders and gave her a winning smile. "Now come on, wouldn't you feel horrible if you didn't check me out thoroughly and I had something going on up there?"

Xemnas raised an eyebrow, having a feeling she already knew where this was going.

"Come now, be a good little girl and-"

"You do know that if you receive a prostate exam, you're going to need an enema as well right?"

"I can-wait what?"

"Oh yeah, it's a new hospital procedure that's just been enacted. Ah, but this is the new stuff, we got a batch of this stuff in from Cuba. If you do have a cancerous substance growing on your walnut, then we mix up a cocktail and stick it right on up there. Tough enough to strip the paint off an oil tanker and kills the cancer cells instantly, although you might be slightly radioactive afterwards and the swelling will probably-"

Xemnas watched Mr. Buckman quickly vacate the premises and gave herself a little gold star.

--------------

After she'd given a tetanus shot to an angst ridden teen rambling on about his sexuality and attraction to cat-girls, and prescribed Monistat to a transvestite, her next job was to sit behind the desk in the Clinic and look rather uninterested while filing her ruby red painted fingernails, so said the little black book.

So far, she was doing an exceptional job. She'd basically had to play traffic cop, directing patients and walk-ins to their respective places, and oddly enough there was never a dull moment.

Between reading a copy of T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land that was randomly lying around, she'd met a woman with a child who'd survived being run over, twice, by an 18-Wheeler, a man who'd shot his wife to death and screwed up trying to kill himself and blown off his left nut, a woman who'd lost her family when a bomb exploded no more than two streets away when the ER was flooded with various parts of human beings, and then a child who claimed he could see into the future and went to tell a busty brunette that the tumor in her brain was at a terminal stage and the only one that could save her was the dreamy blonde American doctor.

Speaking of blonde people, there'd been one such man leaning very coolly against the desk for the past 10 minutes, and after Xemnas had sent another random sick person up to see Dr. Whatever The Hell His Name Was With The Russian Accent, she turned to him and gave him the most pleasant smile she could come up with.

"Can I help you sir?"

"Yes actually, could you pull this heart shaped arrow out of my ass? A damn little kid with wings shot me (3)."

I think I found the dreamy blonde American doctor.

Xemnas stared blankly at the man now standing before her, leaning on one of his arms and giving her the brightest pretty boy smile he could muster. He had insanely Herbal Essence shiny blonde streaked hair, bright blue eyes, and a Prince Charming sort of glow to him, or was that just the fuzzy dreamlike background that'd suddenly surrounded his figure. He was looking at Xemnas as if she was an Angel in disguise.

All in all, he smelled like a playboy, or the son of one, and that cologne he was wearing was probably something expensive enough that it should damn well attract droves of women. Luckily, Xemnas wasn't a true woman.

"Well…erm…I can't really help you with that. But if I see any naked kids wandering around, I'll be sure to point them your way," she replied with her best Go Away, Please Don't Bother Me smile.

"Well, then, could you give me a map?"

"What for?"

"Because I must be lost," he said dreamily, managing to lean very close to Xemnas without her noticing and brushed a finger along the side of her face, a rather charming little smile teasing at the corners of his mouth. "I thought paradise was further south."

As filled with cheddar as that line was, Xemnas couldn't stop the carefully placed blush from infecting her cheeks. Truth be told she really didn't know how to respond to that, so she just sort of sat there, gapping like a confused fish, or rather, a very cute confused fish seeing as she was now a woman and we can call Xemnas cute.

While the silver haired Nobody was distracted, the blonde doctor craned his head over the nurse's shoulder and began inspecting the tag on of her shirt. Xemnas thought that perhaps he was trying to cop a feel, but since he'd missed her chest, maybe he was trying to very un-sneakily look down the back of her shirt or something.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Yes, just as I suspected," the blonder wonder said pulling away and smiled brighter, if it was at all possible. "Made in Heaven."

"Em…" Xemnas was finding it difficult to form words for some reason. Scratching at his head, she shook herself a little then eyed the blonde man still looming before her. "Alright, who the hell are you?"

"Bond. James Bond."

"…"

"Heh heh, no really, I'm Dr. Kainwright, Adrian Kainwright," he said calmly extending his hand for Xemnas to shake, which she did, albeit very warily as she watched a gentle frown crease the blonde's face.

"And you must be Marley, I'm sorry, Nurse Newt."

"What the-how'd you know my name?!" Somewhere in the black book, it had said her work name within the hospital would be either Mitsy Mayflower, Hannah Hanover, or Marley Newt.

"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?" That and it also didn't hurt to look at her name tag, but the good doctor wasn't going to add that bit in.

Xemnas/Nurse Marley Newt, was just about to ask him if perhaps he was a telepathic Casanova, when he very stealthily moved back into the Nobody's personal space, ghosting over her lips and made some sort of thoughtful noise.

"Can you feel that?"

"F-Feel what?"

"There's some kind of sexual attraction between us, can you feel it too?"

Somehow, Xemnas was convinced that he'd done something to her in that brief moment, because even without a heart, he could hear the blood racing around heating his body to a good 4-too-hot-billion degrees. As his body refused to move, Dr. Kainwright brought a hand up to cup the side of her face, sending Xemnas into another stroke, and just before he got close enough for a legitimate kiss, Adrian felt a very sharp object jab at his neck and push his head away from his current interest.

"My, my, kitten's got claws," he said amusingly as he was forced to stand up and away from the desk, watching with some worried fascination as this nurse held him off with the point of a letter opener.

"Yeah, and kitten's got mad Cat-Fu skills."

Both Xemnas/Nurse Marley Newt and Dr. Kainwright looked over to the owner of the English voice, and the American doctor smiled thinly as a blonde with short buzzed hair, neatly groomed beard, ridiculously clear blue eyes and an earring traipsed over to them, hands stuffed lazily in the pockets of his white lab coat.

"So I see, Dr. Orlund."

"If I was you, I'd go find yourself a woman who needs a hysterectomy, that is, unless you want to live for the next three seasons."

"Good lord you're right man! I can't die yet! I haven't even wrapped up the Monica Heartland part of the story!" He turned back to Xemnas with a flourish. "My Angel, I must take my leave, I need to tell an obnoxious brunette that she has Huntington's disease(4) so that she'll cease her sexual advances on me and I'll be free to court you."

"Sure, take your time," Xemnas grumbled, and with the sound of violin music playing from some unseen area, Dr. Kainwright, Lady Killer Extraordinaire, had left the building.

Dr. Orlund sighed and leaned against the desk, watching the blonde man skip off and shook his head.

"I'd keep my eye on him; he's a crafty fellow despite his cheap lines. Strings in women like fish. We could put the circus out of business with people like him around. Although I really gotta wonder what a girl like you is doing in a place like this anyway," he said calmly, giving the silver haired nurse a cheeky grin.

"I could say the same for you, Dr. Orlund," Xemnas replied, elbows resting on the edge of the desk as she rested her chin on her laced fingers. "Or would you prefer I call you Luxord when we aren't on the clock."

The blonde gambler blinked suddenly at the nurse, then leaned in slowly to closer inspect the woman to see if it was really, no, it couldn't be, could it? The same golden eyes, tanned skin, silver hair and smile-

"Good god! Xemnas?! What the hell are you doing here?! You're supposed to be dea-Mffph!" Xemnas slapped a hand over the blonde's mouth, looking about herself quickly and sighed.

"Keep it down, will you?"

"Sorry, I just…I'm just…Wow…I just never expected to run into you in a place like this. You look…good, no, fantastic actually. I hardly recognized you 'cause you look so-"

"Luxord, if I even smell that you're hitting on me I'll have to castrate you."

"No, no! I mean that, in all seriousness, you actually look very nice in that uniform." He leaned in a little and eyed the area. "Actually, you're the only decent looking nurse around here. Everyone else looks like they should be working in a strip club."

"It's a hard thing, upholding the standards of taste and all, but someone has to do it," Xemnas sighed exaggeratedly. "But really, I look alright?"

"Smashingly."

"And you're not at all bothered by the fact that I'm a woman?"

"Well, I think that'll take some getting used to…a lot of getting used to….a great deal of getting used to-"

"Luxord, my eyes are up here."

"Yes, yes, so sorry, but anyway, it's not like you look that different, although, after what we've been through, very little is going to startle me."

"Speaking of which, it looks like another pandemic's just erupted," Xemnas said boredly as she watched another string of medical personal burst through the doors and cart stretcher upon stretcher of people this way and that.

"Damnit, and I just got on break too." Luxord cursed, eyeing a grizzly looking woman flailing this way and that and professing her love for candied yams. "Well, if you don't mind, perhaps sometime we should get together and catch up."

"I suppose." Xemnas really didn't want to do any catching up with any of her members, but Luxord wasn't too much of a bad guy, when he wasn't gambling away the Organization's savings. It was because of him that they'd been forced to wear those simple black robes instead of a nicer set of uniforms.

"Great, I know a good pub in Purgatory that serves a good pint," Luxord said over a wailing woman as he began to walk off towards the double doors at the end of a hallway.

"Alright, how does Thursday at 7 sound?" Xemnas said, handing over a 50 page stack of papers and a pen to a walk-in for him to fill out for the next 6 hours.

"Perfect. I'll meet you there." And thus the blonde man was swallowed up in the sea of drama and Xemnas returned to her task of filing her nails and looking very bored as the chaos of disease and melodrama circled around her like bad rice.

--------------

Sephiroth had come home late from the bar, a bar whose description is going to be just as vague as it was in the last chapter, but he'd been let off early when a sudden pandemic had swept over the building two streets down. For fear of infecting their patrons, they'd closed early and let him go home, and considering his work schedule, 11 at night was pretty early for him. Maybe this time he'd actually get a full night's sleep since he'd killed the thing that'd been lurking in the dark corners of his apartment.

As he ascended the stairs, waving off one of the band member's offer to listen to them play their noise this evening, scuttling quickly past Lucas' door as a sudden fit of insane screaming was drowned out by an explosion, the silver haired man eventually found his room after picking his way through some suspicious looking burnt debris littered beside his door and lumbered his way inside.

Tiredly, he stripped down to his black slacks and trudged his way towards the bathroom, pausing suddenly when he heard the shower running, and was about to go Rambo and dig up a meat cleaver from the kitchen, when he remembered that he now lived with someone else. He'd have to remind Xemnas that he needed to leave him a note saying he was here so he didn't accidentally decapitate him. But even if he didn't, he was already dead, so maybe his head would grow back or something.

Not bothering to knock, seeing as he refused to request permission to enter a space that he lived in, Sephiroth stood before the long counter top mirror, glancing to Xemnas' blurred form behind the shower door reflected within the mirror before rubbing a hand over his face with a groan. He seemed to have startled the man because he did that odd headless chicken flail thing, and then growled angrily at him as he resumed washing something out of his hair.

"Yes I know you live here, but would it kill you to knock at least? After all, we do live one floor above a rapist."

Sephiroth's eyes dilated. That wasn't Xemnas' voice.

In one fluid motion, he'd snatched a large knife from beneath the rug, god knows why it was there, flung the shower door open and stabbed the knife through the intruders neck, which turned out to be their hand as it rose to block the attack, seemed to realize their peril and tried to get out of Dodge by running between his legs. The silver haired schizo, feeling a bit of déjà vu over take him, reacted early enough to grab a hold of the fleeing figure's shoulder and pin them against the tiles of the shower wall, pausing suddenly when a flash of silver kept him from further strangling his victim.

"Xe-….Xemnas?"

The Nobody cracked open one of his eyes, and Xemnas stared once more into the face of death, thinking that this was becoming a rather unhealthy habit of meeting each other. His vocal cords were too traumatized to speak, so he just sort of hung there, trying to breathe around a hand cutting off his airway, yet again, and trying to decide if his spasming hand with the knife lodged in it was anything to be worried about.

And while he hung, Sephiroth took that moment to try and figure out when on earth the man had had the time to change into a woman, not that he was complaining, he made a very attractive women, all naked and wet-like, actually, he was wondering if it was alright to be mildly aroused by this version of him.

Meanwhile, Xemnas was trying to decide whether or not he should be worried about that look in the swordsman's eyes. It was that same look of pure fucking insanity that he'd given him in that white room, that look that froze up all his functions and turned him into a useless mess. He was very much fascinated by a look that could cause such a reaction from a heartless being, and it was that same look that was now roving unabashedly over his nude, womanly form, that made some small part of himself work itself into a fit and pass out.

The hand cutting off his oxygen loosened some and Xemnas ate a few shaky breaths, not daring to move while Sephiroth still had that crazy look in his eyes, and winced slightly as the throbbing in his hand intensified.

"This's punishment for eating a piece of that German chocolate cake in the fridge, isn't it? I swear I didn't take more than-"

Ah, but a hand to his lips silenced his freakey-outiness, and very thoughtfully that hand ran those nimble pianists fingers over his lips, tracing them, mapping them perhaps, along the gentle curve of his jaw and fingered the delicate tendon in his small neck. He didn't know how, but he was seeing spots, and just from his touch no less! What the hell kind of unfeeling being was he supposed to be, getting all hot and bothered by a confused psychotic?

Said confused psychotic was very much intrigued, yet confused, to see Xemnas in such a flustered state. He almost looked vulnerable, which, technically, he was, and as he stepped closer, running his fingers between the valley of his breasts and over his taught stomach, he could practically see the words Take me damnit!! flashing with neon green obnoxiousness in his eyes…or maybe he'd just imagined that so he'd have an excuse…or maybe it had something to do with the fact that he'd been close to cutting his head off and Xemnas was actually trying to say Take the knife out of my hand now damnit!!

Well, he had an alibi, even if saying "Your eyes made me do it" held about as much water as Swiss Cheese, he decided it would do and leaned down to press an experimentally gentle kiss to his lips, pulling back to lick at them, taste them, taste him…no her, he was a she now, so this was alright, wasn't it?

For some reason, Xemnas hadn't been expecting that, even if all forms of logic pointed to its inevitable outcome, and his initial reaction was to growl and start pushing back against the man, who was now much taller than him as he'd shrunken to a height of 5'5". A little irritated that he'd gotten that reaction, Sephiroth pushed the silver haired woman firmly against the slick wall with his body and silenced his (her?) protests with a more forceful kiss, keeping her still with one hand cupped tightly around his throat.

The Nobody's brain went into panic mode for a few minutes as it realized it was being molested, and then it slowly began to realize that it liked this feeling, so it decided that maybe molestation wasn't the right word for whatever this feeling was. Oddly enough, as confusion made a bonfire of his brain, Xemnas returned the swordsman's advances with equal force, not one to be outmatched, and was rather surprised at the pleasant little noise that left his throat as the silver haired crazy man managed to force his tongue into his mouth past his teeth, the sneaky little thing.

Xemnas slowly felt himself sliding to the floor of the shower, slowly felt himself loosing himself, getting lost in a tangle of things he didn't understand, couldn't understand, things that were unexplainable and irrational. After dragging his partner down atop him as he fell, and after he realized there was a bar of soap pressing up against his spine, he also realized, despite his logical mind kicking and screaming in the back of his subconscious, that he really didn't give a damn when those lips left his and a tenacious mouth began to suck viciously at his neck with vampiric fervor. He winced as he distinctly felt teeth biting into his neck, tasting him, marking him, and he reflexively dug his fingernails into Sephiroth's shoulders and neck as he moaned painfully, pulling at the long silvery hair tangling about his limbs as he cried out to the body that was running away with his mind. He needed that mind, without the mind, without the logic, there was utter chaos.

As if on command from his cry, the parasitic mouth left a trail of little marks along his collarbone and onward, downward, eliciting a sudden seizure from its victim as it began teasing a nipple to hardness and a strangled cry as he bit down gently on the tormented nub.

Mindlessly, the swordsman rocked his hips against the writhing Nobody beneath him, who let out a very confused moan but arched up against him none the less, wanting more, needing more, almost begging if it was possible for him to stoop to that level. It was only when Xemnas had his legs wrapped tightly about his waist, drawing him closer, his tongue probing the crevices of his mouth once more, that Sephiroth realized that something stiff was jabbing into his stomach.

Pulling back for a moment, he peered down and tried to figure out what a female Xemnas was doing with a male Xemnas' man bits, but as his eyes traveled upwards, he noticed that the female Xemnas had very sneakily melded back into the male Xemnas, who was currently flailing around beneath him like a burning snake, and his brain just sort of stopped working altogether as he realized what he was doing, or rather who he was doing, and stared stupidly into Xemnas' confused golden eyes and frowned.

"Wh-Why are you stopping?" A breathless reply. A disembodied reply. Had the man even heard it? Was it even his voice? Who was he now anyway? His mind had been kidnapped by the over-zealous chemicals in his brain, most likely to be raped and beaten in the back alleys of his subconscious.

Sephiroth had a mild seizure as he shook himself, trying to rationalize with his eyes and his mind that what he was doing was not what he was doing. This couldn't possibly be right. Why not? Because it just wasn't. Who says? No one says anything. So how do you know, what's right and what's wrong, if nobody's there to tell you?

He was coming back to earth and he realized this wasn't good, no siree bob, no matter what the hard headed other brain in his pants was telling him, there was no way you couldn't look at this and not call this sexual harassment. It isn't harassment if he wants it. But he hadn't wanted it, and he'd tried to get him off. You can't rape the willing. And here Xemnas was, giving him an almost expectant look, when only moments ago he'd tried to fight him off.

This was all backwards. Why was he looking at him that way? He wants it. Give him what he wants. He's delirious; he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't even look like the same snotty little brat. Take what you want then. But I don't want him. You don't? No. Lying to yourself is the first sign of denial-

"Sephiroth?"

Oh look! He's calling to you. Aren't you going to go to him? Aren't you going to give him what he wants? What you want? But he doesn't know what he wants. He's confused. It's better when they don't know what's going on.

Xemnas matched the swordsman's frown with his own as he saw a sudden shift take him over, forgetting for a moment that he was in a rather compromising position, as the man's eyes gradually lost their hypnotic insanity and gave way to a look of tranquil horror, as of one waking from a nightmare, or rather trying to as he seemed to be having some sort of internal angst trip.

Just as he opened his mouth to ask what was with the new breed of crazy in his eyes, Sephiroth pulled away from him suddenly and glided swiftly out of the bathroom, tailed momentarily by a dripping wet Xemnas who managed to grab a towel and hastily wrap himself with it.

"What the hell?! You can't just attack me, kiss me, dry hump me and expect that you'll get away wi-Sephiroth?"

Well that was funny, he'd come into the living room hadn't he? Wrapping the towel tighter around his waist, he scurried to look in the bedroom for him, the bathroom again, under the couch, the rugs, and searched all the hall closets before he finally noticed that the window was open.

Pacing over to it, he stuck his head out and wondered if the man went slightly emo and tried to commit suicide. It was a pretty long drop, since they were on the 6th floor, but seeing as there weren't any strawberry silver haired pancakes on the ground below, he looked all around the buildings face and wondered if a worm-hole hadn't opened up and eaten him.

Instead, he found a few long raven colored feathers on the rug beneath the window, and retrieved one for closer inspection. They didn't own any animals, and the feathers looked too long to be from any normal sized bird, and after rubbing his fingers along the shaft of one, decided that Sephiroth somehow ninja-ed his way out of this one.

"What the hell was that all about?" He muttered, sticking his head out the window again and sighed heavily, leaning his back against the side of the window frame and cradled the hand with its knife blade accessory. "If he was a virgin he should've just said so."

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Mille:Yay for midterms and illnesses getting in my way…well no, actually this chapter took longer due to over analysis. I still feel like this chapter lost a considerable amount of funny, but as I said somewhere up there, comedy's one of the hardest categories to write for.

(1): "tied to a bed and spanked continuously." This line came straight from straight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It was on one night, and for some reason that line stuck. O.o

(2): Somewhat Specific Hospital, if you didn't catch it, is a take off of the name of that soap opera I've never seen/watched seriously General Hospital. I just wanted an excuse to throw Xemnas into a soap opera setting and see how it worked. Might need some more polishing.

(3): Just one out of thousands of crappy pick-up lines I found on this site Some of these lines are just, wow, I just wanna meet the people who threw these things out there. xD

(4): Huntington's disease is another crappy neurological disease that causes brain cell degeneration. It's genetic and has no known cure. Now all of you still in High School can impress your Biology teachers with your knowledge. xD